“What’s he want?” Nick asked AJ, pushing the door open.

AJ grabbed the door and followed him into the lobby. “I have no idea. He just said he wanted a private lunch with everyone.”

“Kris is knocked up,” Nick smirked playfully.

“Or,” AJ countered heading to Conference room B, “isn’t – again.”

“He wouldn’t be calling a private lunch if she wasn’t again. Nah, she is this time.”

Brian and Howie were already at the table and greeted them both as they sat down. “Just like old times, isn’t it?” Howie asked. “Remember when we’d all meet for breakfast after a show and go over everything?”

“What do you mean, remember when? We just don’t do it over breakfast anymore,” Nick said, reaching for a roll.

“And we have more than us around the table,” AJ added. “I kind of miss that, now that you mention it.”

“Do you know what’s going on?” Nick nudged Brian.

Brian scrunched his nose and shook his head. “Not a clue. He didn’t say anything to me.”

Kevin walked in and he could feel the apprehension grip his stomach for a moment. There they were, sitting around, chatting, and almost in a blink, he could see the kids they were when he first met them. Now, they were broad shouldered, grown ups, living on their own and dealing with their own lives. And he had to remember, they were grown-ups now. It wasn’t what it was, like it used to be. They were all grown ups now, making their own decisions.

“I don’t know, Aje,” Nick said looking over at Kevin but leaning towards AJ lowering his voice. “You may be right after all.”

“Hey,” Kevin said, putting a smile on his face, quietly taking a deep breath. He took a seat at the table under everyone’s watch. “They didn’t bring the lunch in yet?”

“We’re early,” Brian said, sipping his water.

“That’s a first,” Howie laughed. “Since when aren’t we on Backstreet time?”

AJ sat forward, still looking at Kevin. “When we’re summoned to private lunch during a tour. What?”

“Let’s just chill and have lunch first, Al,” Kevin said quietly, trying his best to pass a private, calming glance at him. Out of any of them, Kevin was most concerned about how Alex would take his news.

“Well, now, see, that’s not making me feel all that comfortable,” Alex answered.

“’S’all good, Al, okay?” He winked at him with a slight nod.

“Well, if it’s all good, let’s have it, then,” Nick said. “It’s just gonna be weird until you do anyway.”

“Alright.” Kevin swallowed and took another breath. “I’ve been doing some thinking – for a while now really – and,” he exhaled, giving a slow look at the faces around the table, “I think it might be time for me to,” he paused, “stop, after this tour.”

“Stop what?” Howie asked, furrowing his forehead.

AJ kept his eyes on Kevin, but answered, “Backstreet.”

“Not Backstreet,” Kevin corrected, “just me being part of it.” He could feel his heart beating a little faster and took a shaky breath taking in the expressions around him; confusion, disbelief. “It’s just that with everything that’s happened this last year – I feel like I need time.”

“Time is one thing,” Brian said, “quitting is something completely different.”

“You can’t,” Nick said simply. “No.”

“You see? This is why I wanted us to have a good lunch, chill out a bit before I brought all this up.” As if on cue, there was a knock on the door and a waiter came in with their lunches.

“Well, now you’re just gonna have to talk more through lunch and explain all this because I just don’t get it,” AJ said, leaning back as a plate was set in front of him. “Why now, when everything is okay? When everything is over?”

“That’s exactly why, Al,” Kevin said as his plate was set down. “Everything is okay, but we don’t know if everything is over yet. We don’t know for sure if it’s over. And to be honest with y’all? I got through it. I’m getting through this now, but when it’s over, and I get a chance to be on the other side of it, and really take it all in – when it really starts hitting me like it’s starting to? I’m not going to want to do it more.”

“You don’t know that,” Howie said. “And you don’t know how you’ll feel when this is over, Kev. You might be super-charged to keep going. How you’re feeling now? How many times have we been on a tour and wanted to be done with it? And we always change our minds. You’ll change your mind.”

~ Chapter Two ~

He could still feel the sweat sticking to his skin although temperature-wise, it had cooled down considerably. No breeze stirred, though, and he noticed that he listened for it anyway, listened for any sound in the still darkness. Down the street somewhere, a dog barked, perking the ears and lifting his dog’s head briefly lying at his feet before he looked across the room and wagged his tail lightly.

“Baby?”

“Did I wake you?” his voice filled with concern.

She came over and brushed her fingertips lightly across his bare shoulders. “No. I just rolled over to an empty bed and wasn’t expecting it.” She kissed the top of his head and wrapped her arms loosely around his shoulders. “It’s 2:30 in the morning – what’s keeping you awake?”

“Nothing. I don’t know really. Just not tired, I guess. Too much coffee with dinner.”

“It was decaf,” she reminded him, resting her chin on top of his head lightly.

“So much for that theory.”

“What were you thinking when I came in, then?”

“Why do the neighbors have a damn dog if they’re just going to keep it outside barking all night?” he replied. “Honest, Baby, it’s nothing.” He ran his hand over one of her arms softly. “Go back to bed. I’ll be in soon.”

She leaned over and kissed him quickly. “No, you won’t,” she said knowingly, “but I’ll hold a spot for you anyway.”

“I married you! You better!” he answered as she headed out the door, back into the darkness.

She stuck her head around the doorframe. “That’s such old news by now, Baby. What have you done for me lately?”

He turned and lifted an eyebrow curiously. “I thought I did a pretty good thing a few hours ago.”

She winked and blew him a kiss. “I just want you to do it again.”

“That can be arranged.”

Lying in bed as she slept, he stared at the sky, watching clouds become clear in the morning light. Was it really a year ago that he woke up at ‘oh-dark-thirty’ for some morning show to sign a bunch of autographs and sing in an unexpected downpour?

Something about that was special. Maybe it was that they’d been gone for so long, he didn’t expect so many people to stand in the rain and sing along. Maybe it was the energy of the downpour, watching everyone toss sensibility to the puddles and just enjoy themselves regardless of what it was doing. Even the hosts commented in disbelief that the crowd barely cleared out, even in the worst of the storm, as they toweled off after their performance.

He wanted to stay out there and keep singing, if he was honest with himself. Everyone out there deserved a lot more gratitude, but it was all they were allowed to do.

Maybe he was awake because that morning all he’d heard was screaming, and now, just coming up on a year later there was silence. Part of him wondered how much longer he’d hear screaming crowds. If he was honest with himself, how much longer he’d even want to and lately, he wasn’t feeling the need.

The fellas were starting to talk about getting back into the studio and he found himself ….not, Not sure how to discuss it with them in a way they’d understand, but how do you say ‘enough is enough’ without hurting anyone, or just not say anything, shut-up and deal for another round? But when was it enough? When did he start doing things for him again and not have to consider everyone else? Where was the line between loyalty and life anymore?

“Sleep, now, Babe,” she mumbled, resting her head on his shoulder. “We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

He kissed her forehead gently and rubbed her shoulder. “It is tomorrow.”

“Sleep,” she responded, turning away and drifting off.

“ 5:43, Kevin?” Kristin asked, squinting in the light and rubbing her shoulder tiredly. “Come on.” She stretched out her hand and wiggled her fingers for him to take it so she could guide him back to bed.

Instead, he went over and kissed her forehead gently. “It’s okay, you go.”

“No,” she said, slipping her hand into his and resting her head against his chest. “It’s not okay. It’s 5:43 in the morning and you’re not only awake, but you’re up and made coffee. You’re not the man I married,” she tried teasing.

He kissed the top of her head and wrapped his arms around her waist. “Go back to sleep,” he whispered. “We’ll talk about it later.”

“No.” She tugged on his hand and guided him upstairs, pulling him back into the bed. She settled in against the mattress and reached back, taking his arm and resting it around her waist. “Talk to me, Kevin. What’s wrong.”

“Nothing is wrong.” He smiled, sliding a slip of her hair away from her eye.

She shook her head against the pillow and ran her fingers through his hair, listening to the birds outside of the window for a minute. “I love you, Kevin, and I know something is on your mind. You’re not sleeping, you’re not here. Talk to me.”

“I’ve been thinking, that’s all,” he answered dismissively.

“Thinking about what?” She rolled over in his arms and pressed her back against his chest, pulling his arm up against hers, intertwining her fingers with his.

He hesitated, looking out at the pale gray sky, threatening rain again. “Well…” He exhaled, unsure of the words trying to form in his mouth. “I don’t know.”

“Kevin, please, you do so.”

“I want to quit,” as if saying it quickly would hurt less or be easier.

She turned back, looking intently at his face. “Keep talking,” she urged.

“We’re in a good place, Kris, right? Financially. And after these last few months, with everything— It doesn’t— I just— “ He exhaled, unaware that tears formed in his eyes until he blinked. “I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t want to wuss out on ‘em, but we always said we’d stop when we didn’t feel it anymore. And I just—don’t. But I don’t know how to break it to the rest of the fellas, and just thinking about the lawyers makes my head hurt. And what if I’m making the wrong decision?”

She brushed her fingers over his lips to quiet him before kissing him quickly. “I love those boys as much as you do. You know that, right?” He nodded. “You gave thirteen years, Baby. You never stopped working, you didn’t quit. You’re the only group of your kind left out of the legions that tried. You’ve broke world records, you’ve made amazing music, you were there for each other when no one else could be. Alex is alive because of you – he said it himself. You all have an amazing bond. Plus, you helped millions of people get through some crappy times, and you’ve made them laugh and sing. You gave it your all when the industry was putting brick walls up and managed to get hits. And you know what? You’re allowed to be tired, Sweetheart. You’re allowed to want something for yourself.”

“Us,” he corrected. “Our families, our—”

She shook her head, keeping her eyes on his. “No, Baby, for yourself.” He leaned forward and kissed her quickly, closing his eyes to her tenderness. “You’re allowed to want it for yourself.”

“I don’t know how to tell them,” he admitted. “I don’t want to be the reason Backstreet ends when they, the rest, are so ready to go on.”

“Tell them that. Tell them they’re not allowed to quit. Besides, it won’t be a shock to them. You’ve been talking a lot more about wanting to slow down, do other things.”

“It’s gonna freak us all out, you know that, right? Me included.”

“Nothing freaks you out.” She smiled. “You’ve managed to take everything that’s been handed to you in almost perfect stride, and with this last year, that’s been hard to do. It might freak a few of them out, but I doubt they won’t understand. I think they love you enough to believe your reasons when you tell them.” She reached up and wiped a tear from his cheek. “You’re allowed, Kevin. It’s okay.” She moved in closer, resting her head back against his chest. “It’ll be okay.”

~###~

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