Would he ever get a good night’s sleep again and stop asking such useless questions?

He tugged the strap of his knapsack back up around his shoulder and scanned the faces in the crowd through his sunglasses, baseball cap pulled low over his forehead. Not that anyone would approach him here. No one was expecting him and by the time they might have figured out who he was, he was already gone. What was it someone had said once? Not expecting ‘someone famous to be in their daily drudgery? It takes a moment for the mere mortals to catch on.’

Lately, he was feeling way too mortal.

“And would ya look at that, the prodigal son returns,” he heard from the bench near the window. “Or, should I say prodigal little brother?” A smile spread across Tim’s face and Kevin found himself in the middle of a rough, tight hug. “Welcome home, Kev,” he said brightly, releasing him. “Is that all your stuff, or is there another car load of suitcases to follow like usual?”

“The carload of suitcases comes with me only when I’m on tour and you know it,” he said, wrapping his arm around his brother’s shoulder. Still his brother. Still strong and solid beneath his arm, smiling and—his brother. “Or when I’ve got Kris with me because, you know, she may need to change her shoes six times while we’re sitting around in the living room getting drunk.”

“It’s sure good to see you, baby brother,” he said cheerfully, “and I know there are some other troops around here somewhere that can’t wait to see you, either.” They headed through the automated sliding doors out onto the crowded sidewalk, and Tim continued down with Kevin following just behind to get around an old woman fighting with a suitcase before she rammed directly into him. “Trace is…right there waiting for us.”

She came out of the car and hugged him warmly, kissing him hello. “Uncle Kevin!” Will called from the backseat, banging on the bottom half of the window excitedly. It all hit him quickly and he was trying to follow all the conversations coming at him, and soak in how everyone looked, especially the children. Will was a real little kid now, not a toddler like Baylee, although that was how he remembered him being. And Olivia sat in her car seat with wide, curious eyes, calmly watching him and stuffing Cheerios into her mouth as Tracey climbed in between them so Kevin could sit up front with Tim.

“Dull roar, folks,” Tim teased, “you’re overwhelming the poor guy.” He reached over and turned down the children’s music blaring from the speakers. “We thought we’d give you a real homecoming.”

Kevin laughed, looking around the car as Tim pulled away from the sidewalk slowly. “I haven’t had that kind of a welcome in a long time. And, dang, look at the size of them!”

“Don’t go talking about my c-h-e-s-t in front of the k-i-d-s!” Tracey teased, reaching forward to pat his arm playfully as Kevin blushed. “Oh, you are still so easy, Kevin. I know what you meant!”

“He meant us, ma. Uncle Kevin? Did you come in on a big plane, or a little one this time?”

“A real big one, Will.”

“Did you get to fly the plane this time?”

“What?”

“Did you get to fly the plane? Daddy said you can fly the plane.”

“Not one that big, buddy,” he answered. “Maybe someday, though.” As they paid the parking toll and drove away, Kevin glanced out the window to a plane taking off overhead. He did fly something pretty big, once, but not commercial, and now that he thought about it, pretty stupid. He had some training, but the other guys didn’t, and they all got to steer. What if something had gone wrong and the pilot didn’t get control back if one of them made a mistake?

Over and done with, Kev…and the pilots wouldn’t have put y’all in jeopardy. Get over yourself.

“Uncle Kevin? Can you buy a plane?”

“Will,” Tracey scolded, “let Uncle Kevin hear his own thoughts for a minute.”

“Can we buy a plane, then, instead?”

“An’ what would you do with a plane, Little Man?” Kevin asked, turning in the seat.

Will looked out the window, easily watching the scenery. “Daddy could drive me to school.”

He smiled, watching the relaxed, content expression on his nephew’s face. It was just that easy for him now. Everything in the world was open to him to dream about and become. Anything he imagined in his head seemed reasonable and feasible. Kevin remembered that kind of encouragement, even if they didn’t believe anything he said, the encouraged.

When did he stop believing? Or did he just give up? Give in? How much longer was he going to dream, re-invent himself?

~###~

Tim handed Kevin a beer as he stood outside on the patio, looking up into the sky. “So, let’s have it,” Tim said, sitting at the patio table. “You’re standing right in front of me, but you’re not even here.” Kevin turned and looked at him. “Oh, you’re doing a great pretend job and I’ll even give you a bit of travel tiredness, but I’m your big brother. I know you. So, let’s have it.”

Kevin took a long gulp of the beer and looked back up to the sky with a deep exhale. “Have you ever looked around at everything you have, did—and wonder what else you could have done?” He went over to the table and sat across from his brother, swallowing more beer quickly. “Some days, it just feels like I’ve been asleep. For years.”

“And other days?”

“Like it’s all just started.”

“Which days win the majority?”

Kevin looked at his brother through the tears in his eyes. “Lately? Limbo.”

“So much of one that you jumped on a plane at the last minute before going back into the studio to come visit us?” Kevin furrowed his eyebrows, wondering how he knew about the studio. He hadn’t talked to him in weeks. “Kristin called when your flight was delayed to let us know. We talked for a bit.”

“You talked for a bit,” he smiled doubtfully, “or did you interrogate her?”

Tim tilted he head to the side briefly and grinned. “Maybe a bit of both. Occupational hazard, you know? Don’t take it the wrong way, Kev? But when you call and ask if we’re free for a few days so you can come visit? Even if we’re not, which we were by the way, we would. You’re my kid brother. I’m here whenever you need me. And you coming here like this kinda says that you need me. That doesn’t happen all that often.”

He shook his head with a small smile. “More than you ever know, really, Tim. More than you ever know. You and Ger, are always there with me, in my head. Half the time whenever I was scolding one of the fellas, I wasn’t sure if I was thinking the thoughts, or merely repeating the same things you both told me over and over and over again. I wasn’t their big brother – you two were.” He gulped more beer, trying to force the tears out of his eyes. It was just too soon to get this deep, and this involved. He wanted to relax—to kick back—enjoy himself. But the truth was still staring at him and he wasn’t going to get to do any of those things until he admitted what was in front of him, what was nagging at him for these last weeks—months. “How much time do you think we all waste, Tim?” he asked with his voice cracking slightly. “How much time do we waste thinking we have more time? Thinking we’ll be able to make time up to people when the time they really need you—you’re just not there… Just…not.”

“What time are you referring to, Kev?” Tim asked, leaning his elbows on his knees, moving forward slightly to study Kevin’s face in the shadows. “When weren’t you there? More importantly, what would be different if you were? Would you not be sitting here asking these very questions that, hell, everyone asks themselves at some point?”

“Ain’t I a bit young to be having a mid-life crisis?” he tried to tease himself, but the laugh was hollow with the reality of the words. Maybe not a mid-life crisis, but it was something of that nature. Or, at the very least, it felt that way. “I just thought I was tired, you know? In the beginning. I just thought I was tired, that it would pass like it usually does. A few weeks off and I’d start missing it. But it didn’t happen. All I kept thinking was what I’ve been missing trying to have a career. I had a career. I did exactly what I dreamed of doing since I could remember. I went around the world and got paid to sing.

“And while I was doing all of that— I missed my wife, and my family, and the births of my nephews and nieces and deaths of grandpa, an’ uncle. It’s like I’m always showing up a day too late, a week late, a year…. And no one says anything because they’re all being supportive but honestly? What the hell have I done to deserve that kind of support? When do I have a responsibility to someone other than me?”

“And as always, you’re being too hard on yourself,” Tim replied easily, reaching over to put his hand over Kevin’s and squeezing firmly. “The thing about having a supportive family means just that. They’re supportive. They love you and they know that you’re doing the very best you can. That you give 110% of yourself to everything you do, and everyone you love. And that you’ve been that way all your life. What? You think that we forgot all those nights you sat in the Hall banging out keys on the piano teaching yourself what you were doing? You think we forgot all those times you scribbled in a notebook somewhere writing something down so deep, and so important to you that even you couldn’t find the words? That we never saw the exhilaration beaming off of you when you came off stage—and that includes the high school plays, Kev.

“Do you really think you’re the only one that had that dream, that desire, for you? Do you think you’re the only one that beamed with pride and accomplishment for what you were doing? Did the adrenaline blind you to our smiles and pride? Did it blind you to the way Kristin looks at you when you see her in the crowd? Does it blind you so much that you can’t figure out that love is love—good, bad, or indifferent? It’s there and it’s something that doesn’t come with strings attached.

“I ain’t gonna lie and say that sometimes we missed you. Sometimes we may not have been as understanding as we could have been. But the reality is, neither have you. And guess what, that’s called life. If you were a plumber, would you have been able to be here more? Maybe…maybe not. Maybe you wouldn’t have been able to afford a plane ticket and you’d have missed out on the same things. You’re just letting yourself catch up to all those emotions, wondering why you. Why did you get those chances, and the things you’ve been thinking about, those other dreams you’ve kept bubbling under the surface of things pretending you were solely content with in your life—all those things are coming to surface because, maybe, Kev, maybe you just want to do something else. How many times did dad change his career? It wasn’t solely to put food on the table. It was because he had other dreams, too. He wanted to succeed in other things. All this means is that, hell, you’re his son. And you might be ready to focus all that drive and energy you’ve been channeling into a career into a different path in life—be that a husband, a father, a brother, a friend—or just redefining the meaning of what you want out of life.

“And if you think no one is going to understand, you’re not looking hard enough. Because love is love, and support is support, and you of all people know what that means. You’ve never turned your back on your family, or your friends. You’ve been there—maybe it doesn’t feel like it, maybe you wanted to do more—but anyone that loves you as much as we do knows that you’ve given us everything you ever could and then some. You just have to stop thinking of those times that you didn’t have the chance to do what you wanted, and remember those times that you were. How sweet it was when you did come home. When you did hold your nephews and nieces for the first time. When you did visit your brothers and laughed until 3am over stupid shit we did as kids. Remember those times when you held Kristin all night. When you were so blinded with tears with love and emotion because she stood across from you and said ‘I do’ in spite of who the press said you were and what your schedule was like. She got into this before you were who you are now. She loves you for the man you are. She always saw the man you turned into and that’s the guy she married and loves. Seeing the both of you together makes other people jealous, you know that, right? That people who may not have the slightest clue of who you are look at the two of you together and see the definition of love.

“It’s not sold out concerts and top record sales, or how many shows you can do in a year—all of which are feats that you’ve accomplished and yeah, we’re proud of you for them because it’s something that made you proud. But what it’s all about is the smile it puts on your face, and how it makes you feel, and if it’s not what you’re feeling anymore, do you think we want you to keep on doing that? Why? What for? Why would we want you to be unhappy for any reason? If you want to take time out and wonder why the sky is up in the air, we’re going to be right behind you helping you find the answers, because that’s what people do when they love someone. And Kev? We do love you, and we’re going to keep loving you—even if you never sing another note, or do another dance step. It’s not what you do that we love, it’s just you, plain and simple. Does that help any?”

“Then why does it feel like I’m walking out on my responsibilities?” he asked, the weight sitting firmly on his chest and threatening more tears. “Either way, I just feel like I’m disappointing the people I care about. Like there’s no right answer.”

“You have to make it the right answer,” Tim said. “I’m not saying that the decision is going to be easy. Not by any means, but it’s a decision that you have to make for you and if you’re behind it, people will start to understand and respect it. It may feel like it sometimes, Kev, given the knowledge you have of the music industry and the experiences you had, but honest, people are good. People have a great capacity for understanding when you give them the opportunity to do so.”

~###~

"After 13 years of what can only be described as a dream come true, I have decided that it is time to leave the Backstreet Boys. It was a very tough decision for me but one that was necessary in order to move on with the next chapter of my life. Howard, Brian, Alex, and Nick will always be my little brothers and have my utmost love and support. I would like to thank the Backstreet fans for all the beautiful memories we have shared together and look forward to including you in the next phase of my life. I wish my brothers continued success and look forward to their new album."