Take It From the Break

Kevin

"Daddy?" I looked up from the computer screen to see 'My Littlest Annie' looking at me from the doorway with her wide blue-green eyes. "Mommy's on the phone."

I smile to her, trying to make it look like I don't mind talking to Kristin for Annie's sake, but I already know what this call could mean. Samantha and Annie were supposed to be heading out to LA next week to spend the summer with Kristin and Ben, her new husband. This call was going to be another excuse as to why I had to break our children's hearts and tell them they weren't going. Again. If I had $100 for each excuse I've gotten, I wouldn't have to worry about funding the foundation each year.

I tell her that too, which doesn't go over well, followed by, "you tell them this time, Kris. I'm tired of being the one to break their hearts." I am, too. Especially Sam, who doesn't seem to like anything about me anymore. I keep being told that it's just because she's 9 and she'll hate everything…which, really, isn't all that wrong either…but it still breaks my heart to see her give me that angry, stiff look. Sometimes, it's like looking in the mirror with her.

After I hang up the phone and throw the pen across my desk, I go into the living room. Samantha's stretched out on her stomach, her feet swaying in the air as she eats her cereal and Annie's sitting on the floor behind the coffee table, having her cereal. Both of them are watching 'Today', and it's then I remember why.

"There's Uncle Nick!" Samantha says, scooting up into Indian style and pointing at the screen.

Yup, there's Uncle Nick. The Simon Le Bon of Boy Bands, he's been called. Still entertaining, still married to the beautiful Rachel for the last eight years, three children, house in Stockholm, Florida, and Long Island. Still, basically, Nick, beaming and smiling as he talks to the host about the new single and album.

De-ja-vu…

"Girls…"

"Shh!" Samantha silences me with one of the patented stares before going back to the screen.

Uncle Nick…have to remember to be quiet while Uncle Nick is on. I sit on the couch behind Annie and settle back. I didn't want to answer my e-mails or think about grants anyway. Annie moves to settle in next to me and rests her head against me, smiling up with a wink.

"Yeah! Yeah!" Nick's saying. "It's been going great!"

"We all know that you started your career with the international sensation The Backstreet Boys…"

Samantha looks over at me with a smirk and rolls her eyes. "When my dad was probably cool," she says to the TV.

Damn it, I was! And I miss the rest of the question.

"They're all doing great," Nick replies. "I talk to them still."

'Christmas and birthdays,' I answer in my head.

"Alex produced one of the singles on my album." Alex Martin these days, and if you look at the Billboard Charts, eight of the top ten albums were most likely produced by him.

"What about the rest?"

"Well, Brian and LeighAnne are still running BriLeigh and producing, Howie's running a studio in Florida, and Kevin's working with the foundation he founded, in Kentucky."

'Thanks for not mentioning that I lost the state senate race, dude…'

'You're always going to be Senator Backstreet, Kevin…' That was my ex's kind way of saying 'you'll never have any credibility, Kevin.' 'You could have done more good by staying with the group…' Another way of my ex saying 'you dumbass, what were you thinking?'

I was thinking that we had two children to think of. I was thinking that the rest of us couldn't agree on what color the sky was much less which song to choose for the album. I was thinking that my mother was sick and might need us around. I was thinking there might have been more to me than just singing and dancing….

"Isn't he cute?" Sammie croons and I'm brought back to the present. 'Oh, fuck…no…' My ma was right. My kids are the greatest revenge for everything I've ever done. My oldest daughter has a crush on Nick. Could she have chosen better revenge? Sammie looks over at me and is finally smiling. "So, can we go see Uncle Nick and Aunt Rachel this summer instead?"

"Huh?"

"Ma canceled, right?" Sammie asks pointedly. "So, can we go see Uncle Nick and Aunt Rachel instead of spending the whole summer here?"

Annie pulls away and looks up to me in such excitement. The prospect of seeing Uncle Nick is apparently enough to make them forget about not seeing their mother, even if Annie doesn't remember Uncle Nick in the least. Looking at them, it breaks my heart again. Neither one of them seem upset, or even surprised, Kris canceled.

"We'll see." It's the patented answer, isn't it? It's not a yes, it's not a no, it's not even a maybe.

"Great," Sammie grumbles and drops back to her stomach, watching the TV. "Another summer of tree frogs. Whoopie."

"I said we'll see," I tell her.

"Shhh," she glares at me. "Uncle Nick's still on."

'Uncle Nick can take a flying…' I sigh and watch the screen, seeing a close up of Nick singing with his eyes closed tightly, his fist clenched to his chest, holding the mic up.

"He's so cute…"

What did I do to deserve this?


Nick

"AJ called to say he should have produced all of them," Heidi, my assistant, is telling me as we made our way to the limo through the crowd. AJ would call to say that. "Rachel called to say the girls were singing along and Lissa kept pointing to the screen saying 'daddy'." Is it possible for your heart to swell? Cause I'm pretty sure if it swells anymore I'm not gonna have any room in my chest anymore. "And Kevin Richardson called."

I stop, mid-step to blink at her. "Who called?"

"Kevin Richardson," she repeats easily, walking still as if that wasn't a bombshell. "He said to tell you that Sammie and Annie were glued to the screen, and Sammie still has a crush on you."

I force myself to move forward through the spinning of my brain. "Did he leave a number?"

Heidi searches through the sheets of paper. "Yeah." She hands me the slip of paper and there's the message. Sammie and Annie - glued to screen - Sammie - crush - Kevin Richardson - 859… Still in Lexington. 2685 Still the same number.

Sammie still has a crush on me? She has to be…damn, how old would she be now? Last time I saw her she was six, right? Annie was four…no, three? They were nine and six now? Shit, they were nine and six? How the hell did that happen?

Why the hell was Kevin calling? I'd been on Today before this. I'd been plenty of places before this. I'd tried calling…but he never answered the phone. Every year on Christmas and every October 3rd I called, but I haven't talked to him since…

Well, he wasn't quite himself. I have to tell myself that. He wasn't himself and just looking at him then, I knew that. He hadn't slept at all, his eyes were dark and red rimmed from crying. He had way too much to drink. Not that I blame him for that either cause I don't think anyone in their right mind would have gotten through that without some kind of drug. And if they did, they were still in therapy, I think.

"…we have to be at CBS by noon," Heidi continues as if I had been paying attention to her. I never pay attention to her. Most times I think she's just talking out loud to make things clear to herself and I'm just an excuse so people don't think she's talking to herself out loud.

"Do I have time to make a few calls?" I interrupt her scheduling monologue as we're escorted into the waiting car. I never know how much time I have in New York. Everything is so close and scheduling is packed so tight.

She rolls her eyes at me and sighs. Okay, so maybe she was talking to me. "I just said you have an hour. We're going back to the hotel so you can change."

"Cool, okay." She backs up on her Palm and starts the schedule again, as if I'm going to pay attention this time. But I choose to look out the window hoping to get that image of Kevin out of my head. His hair was a mess, he hadn't shaved, but what did it was his eyes. They were just fucking spooky. Totally lost and haunted. And he stank. Between not showering and the alcohol…he just reeked. Kevin, the one that was always so together. The one that never cracked…shattered into a million pieces and no one had a single clue how to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

"Should I just come get you?" Heidi asks impatiently. "You're not listening to a single word I say."

We're in front of the hotel and I turn to look at her. "Just come get me. Sorry."

"Listen to me, Nick. One hour. That's it."

"Sure."

"How long, Nick?"

"One hour." She does that. Makes me repeat things to prove I heard her. She's amazing.

Once I get into the elevator, I press my speed dial and listen to the short ring. "Josie speaking."

"Hey baby doll, it's daddy."

"Daddy!" There it goes again, my heart swelling with each high-pitched, chattery word she says. Half the time I can't make out a single thing she says, but it doesn't matter. I understand. It's all in the tone. I rock.

"It sounded great," Rachel says taking the phone. "What do you think?"

"It was cool," I say. "And Kevin called."

"Kevin?"

I have to laugh. "Okay, so I don't feel so stupid being amazed that he called."

"What'd he say?"

"Sammie and Annie were watching and Sammie still has a crush on me. Rache…you realize they're nine and six years old already?"

"Is that all Kevin said?"

"I didn't actually talk to him. Heidi did. But I got his number. Just not sure I should call."

"Call."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that," she says. "If he managed to get your direct number, he wants to talk to you." Hadn't thought of that. I'm just so used to people getting my number, I forget it's not easily accessible. "Call him. See what he has to say."

"That's what I'm afraid of."

"Nick, it's been two years. He's not going to call up, out of the blue, and be mean." This is why I love her. She's so dang practical sometimes.

So, I'm in my room now, sitting on the bed and looking at my cell with a million and half memories going through my head. Everywhere I look, it seems, I can see or attribute something of what I see to them: The Boys. We stayed here a few times. Day rooms… everything associated with travel and scheduling. It took me a long time to get used to doing it alone. And I hated every second of it when I was learning.

"Kevin Richardson." Shit, it is. When the hell did he start answering his own phone? "Hello?"

"Kevin…it's Nick…hi."

"Oh…hi…" IS that awkwardness in his voice? Nervousness? Is this really Kevin? "We caught your performance. You sound great."

"Thanks…" Thanks…is that all you have to say, Nick?

"Yeah…good song, too."

"Thanks." Again with the thanks! Come on, Nick… "So, Sammie and Annie caught it too?"

"Please," he chuckles, "they were late for school because they wouldn't leave. Well, Sammie wouldn't leave and Annie does whatever her sister does."

"They must be big, huh?"

Now that's a proud laugh. "Too big. You'd be amazed."

"Probably, but shit, mine are too big, too. Yours would just make me feel old, I think."

"Well…" There's that tone again. "I was wondering if you'd be around to see them at some point. They'd love to see you and I suddenly have all summer to entertain them thanks to their mother."

Their mother? That's cold.

"And Sammie asked if we could see you this morning." Part of me is excited by that, but my brain kinda went 'just Sammie wants to see me?' "I know it's been kinda weird between us an' all these last few years." Weird, like now. Then he sighs deeply and I can hear something squeak on his end. "Shit, Nick, I saw you this morning and thought…hell, I miss ya, man. It's been too long and the last time…was…"

"Can you go to Florida?" I interrupt. I don't want to go into the last time we saw each other over the phone.

"Uh…when?"

When? When, Nick? Why didn't you listen to the schedule? And the last thing I want to say is 'let me check my schedule.' We're halfway there…when? Shit, when? "End of June?"

"It is the end of June, Nick," Kevin laughs lightly. "Beginning of July? Or end?"

"When's good for you?" Screw it. I'll re-work my schedule.


Kevin

"Annie, sit down!" Damn, I sound like my father.

Annie points out of the window, her hair blowing up and out from the convertible. "But, Daddy! We're here! We're here! That's it! You said number 2-4-5! That's a two, four and five! Turn! Turn!"

"We're turning! Dang, Annie, chill out!" I have to laugh at the excitement. Oh, to have the excitement of a child again. Right now, I can feel my hands sweating with nerves. I keep thinking Nick - the little kid I knew a couple of years ago, but I know he's not that Nick anymore. None of us are those people anymore.

The gate opensd as soon as the car drives within sight of the camera. Again, the excitement of children. Annie squeals in wonderment and magic. Nick always brought about some kind of magic, didn't he?

He's done real well, too. The 'house' is a mansion, cars along the drive - they can't possibly all be his, can they? Then again, he always liked speed. That much hasn't changed, I'm sure. Once I bring the car to a stop, Annie's already flying out, followed by Sammie. By the time I get out, both of them are wrapped in an embrace. All I can see is the top of a blond head and the backs of my children. Then, the blond head lifts, and Nick looks right at me, his smile fading, but his face doesn't loose his excitement.

"Kev," he says, taking a step towards me. I mean to take one step, but end up practically diving against him in an embrace. He's holding on just as tight as I am, and there are tears in his eyes too when we break apart.

Annie slips her hand into mine and looks up in confusion. "Why are you crying, daddy?" she asks, tugging at my hand.

"We're not cryin'," Nick answers her with one of his patented smirks and a wink. "It's the sun in our eyes. You know, us pop stars, we always have sunglasses on."

"Dad's not a pop star anymore," Sammie corrects him.

Nick looks over to her and busts into a laugh. "Dang, Kev, she's your kid, isn't she? Straight and to the point, huh?" He tousles Sammie's hair and smiles down to her. She is my kid - my coloring, my temperament. She looks over to me in her usual boredom, but when she looks over to Nick, something switches and she blushes. Caught on Uncle Nick's radar, eh? I reach out and wrap my arm around her shoulder with a knowing smile to Nick. He's caught it too and adds a special wink. "Come on in!" he says, stretching his arm out to pat me on the back. "Rachel's getting the girls ready."

We try to keep things casual and light hearted through dinner, catching up on what we've been doing, who we've seen. His career's taken off, Rachel's band is still huge. The kids have a part-time nanny to help out when their schedules conflict, but otherwise, they're really hands on. And that's obvious because all three of their kids respect and adore them.

We're outside, sitting on the patio that meanders down to the pool, surrounded by lush greenery and palm trees. Beyond the pool is a large yard, and beyond that I'm watching the sun set over the Keys. Not to shabby for the little punk-brat I knew way back when.

Nick is suddenly across the glass tabletop setting a drink down and in one fluid movement, he's in the chair and his feet are up on the tabletop easily. "This is pretty amazing, Nick," I say to him, looking back over the grounds.

He glances over his shoulder and smiles easily. "Ain't it? I still can't quite get my head around it being mine…well, ours." He sips his drink and settles back, looking over at me with that excited smirk he gets. He could be eighteen all over again. "Man, I can't believe you're here!" I dip my head and lift an arm out in presentation. "It's just been too long, Kev. Really. I mean it."

It has…

Nick

It has been much too long. And looking at him, I can't help but figure how old he's gotten in the last few years. The jet-black hair has a few gray strands and there's that look of sadness in his eyes old people get. You know that look, right? It's not there when he's playing with his kids, though. He's the old Kevin I know when he's crouching down with his girls, play wrestling them into a hug and growling kisses into their necks as they squeal in laughter, even Sammie who's trying so hard to be grown up and show the world she knows everything there is to know. Kevin handles it all in his usual stride…well, it used to be his usual stride. I'm not sure if it's still usual. He kind of lost that stride last time I saw him.

"So…the girls are just too much!" This brings out one of his calm, knowing smiles.

"Aren't they a riot? And they were calm today. Wait till tomorrow when they've had a chance to rest up. You never knew there was actually a pitch as high as theirs once they start going off. Dogs from all over neighborhood come and sit on our doorstep," he laughs, sitting up a bit. "And Annie just does it to hear herself, God help me!"

"She's just too dang cute, that one. The eyes on her!"

"Kristin," Kevin nods. "Don't you think? She looks exactly like Kris around the eyes."

"Sammie looks exactly like you, Kev. I mean…exactly. That's gotta be freaky."

"More freaky than looking at Josie? Cause she is your spitting image, Nick. Right down to the ears."

I reach up and flatten a hand over them. "Yeah, but she'll grow into them. I did," I chuckle.

"Yeah, and your feet," he laughs. "Now that was an adventure - waiting around for that to happen."

"You should know! I kept tripping into you!" God, I had too. Were we really the same people? Is any of that possible? Any of it?

"More Howie than me," he corrects me with a laugh. "You sent Howie off stage more than a few times, little man."

Little man…Kevin just called me Little Man. It is Kevin in there under the polite adult sitting across from me. It's been forever since anyone's called me that. How come I hated it so much back then and suddenly feel like I might cry now that I've heard it again.


Kevin

He's got a strange look on his face, like there's a ghost behind me or something. Or maybe, I'm just the ghost? Maybe he doesn't want to hear about the past. How much I remember about it? Miss it…him…all of the fellas. I miss them all.

"I do too," he says with a nod, a slow flicker of a smile on his lips. "I miss them too."

"Shit, am I talking out loud now?" I ask.

"Nah, it's just…I get the same look on my face when I think about it sometimes too."

"You've seen 'em though, Nicky. I haven't seen anyone since…" Jesus, Kev! He knows! Out of anyone, he fucking knows! Say the Goddamn words! "…the divorce and...everything." There. See? The world didn't crash. It didn't end. You said it. On to the next milestone.

"Well," he stammers, looking like he's seen the ghost again, "that was just…it was…fuck, Kev, there's nothing to describe that."

No shit.

Hold it together, Kev. You're not going to break down on your first day here. Deep breath…don't think about that…just take a…. I end up choking and lean forward so I don't have to look at him, trying to get my head together. Just fucking chill out already, Kevin!

"You need some water?" he's asking nervously, his hand on my shoulder. Nice move, Kev… All I can do is finish choking and shake my head, waving a hand to signal I'm okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am.

"Wrong pipe," I sputter once I can, looking up to his frightened, concerned blue eyes, doing my best to show him nothing's wrong. I'm alive. I have two healthy, beautiful, smart, loving, wonderful, children sleeping upstairs. Everything is fine. It's all good. It's all good. I drop my chin again, attempting to take a deep breath and his feet disappear from my view. I hear the screen door slide over and moments later, he's back, setting a glass of water on the table next to me. "Thanks," I mumble, drinking half of it, feeling the cold as if it's slipping through my ribcage. "Sorry."

"It happens," he says, taking his seat across from me, watching me with those curious, cautious blue eyes full of fear. No, Nick, I'm not going to freak out on you again. I promise you that. I'm done freaking out about it. I just swallow it and move on now.

"Anyway," I cough, attempting to clear my throat, "I haven't seen anyone in awhile. Kind of…just got busy. Moving the foundation to Kentucky and all. Losing the state senate, that kind of thing."

"I still can't believe you didn't win," he says with a shake of his head. "2% margin had to just…hurt."

I have to smile at him, trying to be so cautious and careful of every word. I wish there was some way to just tell him to relax. I'm a hell of a lot better than I used to be. I'm not going to fall apart. Choke, yeah, but not fall to pieces.

"Yeah, it hurt. But…what can you do? I lost." I shrug, finishing the water and looking to the clouds still lit by the setting sun. "I've had time to really devote my energies on the foundation, so I guess it's all worked out. Managed to get a lot of contributors out of it, so it turned out okay. Besides, I don't think the girls would have wanted the attention. It's bad enough when someone mentions Backstreet and they have to hide their face in embarrassment. Heaven forbid! I'm just the boring dad, I've never done anything cool like Uncle Nick!"

"They didn't figure out you wouldn't know Uncle Nick without being in Backstreet?" he laughs.

"Doesn't matter, Nicky, I'm just a dad."


Nick

Yeah, like it's not the best thing that's ever happened to you, Kev. 'Just a dad,' my ass! And if there was anything in my power to give you back that time we lost, I would. Just so you'd never have that look in your eye when you think about us. Just so you could have stayed in our lives all this time, Kev. Just to make things the way you'd always dreamed they would be. Shit…maybe that's why he's avoided us all this time. He doesn't want pity.

"Wanna take a swim?" I offer, wondering if there's going to be anything to say that's not going to remind him of what's happened. "Best time of day for it." He glances to the pool in consideration. "Come on." I stand up and tap his shoulder. "I've gotta get the toys out of the water anyway."

"I'm gonna go up and say good-night, actually," he says, standing up. "You really didn't have to put us up, you know."

"Again, Kevin," I groan, rolling my eyes at him, "would you look at the size of this place? We have the room already!"

At least I get a smile from him without another protest. "Alright…besides, if I attempted to go anywhere my kids would never speak to me again," he laughs.

"Go say good-night to them already, will ya?" I shake my head at him and start down the path towards the pool. I don't want to say he's a shell of who he was… I mean, he's still Kevin. He still has that calmness around him, laid back and all that. But something is different. I'm trying the best I can not to act different around him. I really am, but it's like he's not…playing along? Catching on? Something… It's not like he's being real distant. We haven't had a problem talking since he's got here, really. But I still feel like there's something missing, and whatever it is, I don't think it has anything to do with me. I just think there's a lot missing from his life, in spite of how busy he is, and all the projects he's involved with.

Kevin

I roll over and open my eyes, feeling the weight in my arms and the familiar ache in my chest, telling me that I dreamt about it again. That's all I need to have the tears fill my eyes, and I hold my breath as if somehow that's going to make this pain nonexistent. The sheets are twisted around my legs, one pillow lies on the floor, the other down by my hips, and the fitted sheet is pulled off the corners. Closing my eyes, I pray I've managed to keep my mouth shut at least and not have been screaming during the nightmare. So far, so good, though. I don't hear anyone in the hallway… Then again, this place is so damn big; I get the feeling that even if I did scream, people would be hard pressed to hear it.

Judging by the light in the sky, it's barely sunrise, and there's no way in hell I'm going back to sleep again. My heart is still racing, and I can feel the cold sweat dripping down my back, feeling as if I've just run some kind of marathon. Adrenaline is pulsing through me despite how exhausted I feel, like I just swallowed a bottle of Vivarin with a six-pack of Coke.

I attempt to pull the bed back together without getting out of it, and roll heavily onto my back, coaxing myself to take deep, slow breaths. It's over. It's been over. It's been done. It's over. Slow, steady breaths, Kev…slow, steady breaths.

I try to listen for something other than my heart beating out of my chest, but the house is so still and insulated, I can't even hear the birds outside my window. Florida has birds…at least, it did in Orlando when I lived there years ago. I don't know about the Keys. But every place has birds. Hell, London had birds in the middle of the night…. They get confused by all the lights and think it's twilight. Poor things.

Then again, you get confused too, Kev. You dream it's all still happening.

Stop it!

Okay, so laying here isn't going to help me at all. Too quiet. So, I pull myself out of bed and make my way across the thick-carpeted floor, rubbing my hair flat, feeling the dampness from my sweating at the base of my neck and temples. Heading out of the room, I wander my way downstairs to figure out where they keep the coffee and the coffee pot. I down at least a liter of water waiting for it to finish brewing and take the mug into the entertainment room. It's definitely the most used room in the house.

I study the titles of the movies stacked along the one wall, and make my way around to look at the awards and pictures hanging on the opposite side of the room. Some of them are too familiar. Duplicates of the one's I have stored in a closet at home. A younger version of myself smiles, or smirks, back at me from cd covers on several. Then I hit the real photos, ones that weren't taken professionally, framed among the awards.

Were we really ever that young? There's a picture of all of us, framed and sitting on top of the white baby grand piano. I can't be more than twenty in it, medium length hair, clean-shaven. My arms draped around AJ, beardless, sideburn-less, sunglasses in place. None of our clothes fit right, they're hanging off us in that awful fashion of the 90's era. Nick is pretty much bleached blond in the shot, ears sticking out and all mouth. If he's thirteen in this shot, he hadn't been thirteen long. He's laughing so hard, in the process of doubling over, his arm stretched out to Brian, like he's almost hitting him in the stomach. Brian's also laughing, doubling over in the opposite direction from Nick, and Howie's between them, looking an awful lot like AJ, if you want to know the truth; clean-shaven, short hair, his arms separating Nick and Brian.

I don't remember this picture being taken. I don't even remember why we were laughing so hard. I pick the frame up to get a better look, wracking my brain for the memory, but it's just not there.

"Those were the days, eh?" Nick says from the doorway, holding his own mug of coffee.

I jump at least a foot, jumping back a bit more as the coffee sloshes out of my mug. "Shit!" I mutter.

"It's all right," Nick says easily, his voice still groggy. "ScotchGuard, man. Three kids…ScotchGuard is your best friend."

"You scared the shit out of me," I tell him, putting the picture back and turning to get something to wipe up the spill.

"Sorry," Nick says with a shrug. "I thought you heard me in the kitchen."

I come back with a damp rag and wipe up the spill. "This place is devoid of sound, you know that?" I tease him. "At least, it is at five in the morning."

"Most places are at five in the morning unless you're in Times Square," he informs me, plopping himself into one of the chairs. I head back out, rinsing the rag before going back to join him. "What happened to the Kevin that would sleep until three in the afternoon when given the chance? Don't tell me you've become an early riser in your old age!"

"Just old," I lie, trying to scoff. "Can't sleep in strange places well anymore. Guess I kind of got used to being in one spot." If today keeps up like it's going, I'm going to have a heart attack by noon. My body is ready to jump out of it's skin with everything. "When the hell was that picture taken?"

"Right before we went to New York to audition for RCA. Outside Lou's…"

The memory comes flooding back as soon as he says it. 'Say record deal!' Ha…not that time around! As soon as we said it, Brian reached out and launched a fist into Nick's stomach playfully. AJ decided he wanted to say 'millionaire' instead, Howie was caught in the middle of Nick and Brian and I was just amused by everyone around me.

"What's that saying? You've come a long way, baby?" he asks, mid-yawn.

"What're you doing up?" I ask, resting back into the couch, holding what's left of my coffee on my stomach.

"Eva woke up," he tells me. "It's not devoid of noise where I'm sleeping, dawg." Dawg? Did he just call me 'dawg?' I haven't even heard that in…geez, I don't know how long. "She takes after me, I guess. My mom says I always got up at the crack of dawn too."

"Hard to believe."

"Ain't it?" he snickers, sipping his coffee.

"My ma said my children were just desserts for all the things I put her through," I laugh lightly. "And as usual…"

"Ma was right," we say simultaneously.

"Doncha hate that?"

I shake my head. "Nope. Cuz I get to pass it on to my girls. Resentment is good, don't you think?" I laugh.

"Nothing is good at this hour," he grumbles, letting his head fall back with a groan. "Come on." He gets up and starts heading towards the patio doors. Every room on this floor somehow seems to head to the patio. Instead of stopping at the picnic table, he continues down the path towards the pool. Before I turn the bend in the sidewalk, he's making a splash as he dives off the deep end, coming up with a holler.

"Cold?" I ask.

His aim and technique has gotten a hell of a lot better over the years. I'm just barely past the gate and find myself getting drenched with him splashing me. No point in attempting to stay dry, so I decide to take a running leap, landing just next to him in order to pull him under.

The water is frigid, and I think it's the first thing that's been able to shake the lingering chills I've had since I opened my eyes. In between splashing and dunking one another, we race to the side of the pool a few times before making our way out. By now, the suns's up a bit more, beginning to warm my skin as I pick up my mug and finish the rest of the coffee.

Nick's disappeared into the cabana and comes back with a towel wrapped around his shoulders, and tosses one to me. "That's better." He's smiling brightly, and somehow, I find myself thinking he's not all that different from the kid in that picture. Bright eyes, broad smile, giggling… How did he get to be Peter Pan?

We each take a lounge chair and lie back and I take my first relaxed breath of the morning. Maybe this trip wasn't such a bad idea after all.


Nick

It so wasn't Lissa that woke me up. I heard him. Wasn't quite sure what it was at first. Just heard some kind of grunting, or cries, followed by silence. I thought it was one of the kids in my half-asleep state. That's what woke me up in the first place, but then I heard his door open, a little more awake to figure out that my girls don't have voices that low, and figured out it was him. I noticed his bed was torn apart before I came downstairs, and then when he jumped so bad, everything kind of clicked into place.

Whatever it was seems to have passed though because he's doing a good job of chilling out. Now, I just wish I could. He freaked me out and now I keep wondering what it was that he was dreaming…how often he does that…do his kids hear that…did I bring it on somehow…should I ask him about it…does he maybe want to talk about it? But then I look over at him and he seems perfectly fine. Ankles crossed, arms resting over his stomach, head back…perfectly fine.

"Remember that little apartment Howie, Bri and I shared?" he asks. "Dang, would you have thought this is where we'd be if anyone told us that twenty years ago?"

"Yeah, probably," I answer, laughing. "I was only thirteen, Kev. I'd have believed anyone. Hell, I believed AJ's stories for how long?"

He laughs loudly and looks over at me. "AJ's stories were real, though, Nicky. The rest of our stories were pretty iffy, but AJ? Happened just the way he says it did. Sick bastard." He keeps laughing.

"He's coming." There. I said it. So far, I'm still alive. I peer over, waiting to see if he's going to kill me. Instead, he's just kind of looking at me in shock. "What?"

"AJ's coming?"

"Yeah! Talked to him a few days ago and told him you were coming, and he booked the first flight out he could."

"Dang," he mutters, sipping his coffee and shakes his head.

Is that more fear? How can that be fear? It's AJ! "Been awhile, eh?"

"Yeah," he admits, watching the pool.

"Well, then, I'll just hit ya all at once then. The rest of the fellas are coming too. Brian, and Howie come in this afternoon. AJ's coming in tomorrow." He just looks at me. "We missed ya, Kev. What can I say?" I tell him with a shrug.

"You know what this means, don't you?" he asks, sitting up and bringing his feet down to either side of the lounge.

"You're gonna drown me?"

"Chili."

Hell, yeah! The Richardson's Family Chili! It's an occasion, for sure, man! And Kevin's at the helm! Hot damn!


Kevin

I was touched that all the fellas would be coming in just to visit, but as I stand here in the kitchen chopping and preparing, I heard the door open and oddly familiar voices in the foyer and my stomach jumped. How the hell can I be nervous about seeing Howie? Sweet D? Like there would ever be anything wrong between us? No matter how many years it's been, or whatever may have happened?

But it doesn't matter. I am nervous. I may as well have dropped off the face of the earth. Didn't even face them when I quit. I just left a message with management and forgot how to answer my phone. It was all handled so wrong. Cold.

"Could it be?" That's Howie standing in the doorway. I don't even have to turn around to know. "Is it really…?" But when I do, I'm right. It's Sweet D, and he's grinning like an idiot at me, virtually leaping across this huge kitchen and basically hurls himself at me in a hug. I don't breathe as he does it…well, not that I don't, I can't. He's got me in a bear hug that's constricting my ribcage, actually. "It's so good to see you!" he tells me, his voice muffled against my shirt before he pulls back to scan my face.

He's still Howard; hair is short and wavy, beard is slim and trimmed, dressed in trousers and a blazer, sunglasses stuck in his pocket. How did time skip over him? "Sweet Howie D," I hear myself saying, but it's not at all playful or teasing. It's almost downright emotional. "It's good to see you."

This time it's me pulling him into a hug. It's really happening. I didn't think it ever would. I didn't think I'd be able to face my life from before, but slowly and surely, they were all opening their arms to me.

"Who's daddy hugging?" I hear Annie's confused voice and release Howie to see her tugging at Nick's hand. He's standing in the doorway with tears in his eyes, too.

"Annie-darlin'," I say, crouching down and stretching my arm out, "this is an old friend of mine. You know that picture on Nick's piano of daddy and all his old friends?"

"Backstreet," she confirms with a nod before craning her neck to look up and scrutinize Howie's face. "You're Sweet Howie D, aren't you? I know from the picture. Uncle Nick pointed you out."

Howie crouches down and extends his hand. "Samantha?"

"Annie!" she protests, and Howie's eyes widen to me.

"I'm so sorry! You just look so grown up!" That smoothed things over. Annie's beaming at him and he winks to her. "That means you're Lil'Annie!"

"Just Annie, please," she corrects him politely and shakes his hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

That's my girl! So polite when she wants to be, always remembering her manners and impressing the shit out of everyone, if only they could see her when she's screaming around the yard like a Banshee. "The pleasure's all mine," Howie says, kissing her hand.

"Should I call you Mr. D?"

"How about Uncle Howie?" he suggests. "I think you're going to meet a lot of uncles while you visit Florida."

"Probably," she says. "Daddy has a lot of friends here." With that, she bounds out of the kitchen, screaming for Sammie. What was that I said about a Banshee?

"Kevin! That's Annie?" Howie asks in complete shock.

Nick steps up next to him and puts his hand on Howie's shoulder. "Wait'll you see Sammie."

"Where's Eileen?" Howie suddenly asks, turning around.

A beautiful brunette comes in from the hallway with a warm, endearing smile. "I was just waiting for the bonding moment to be over.

"Eileen, this is Kevin Richardson." He wraps his arm around her waist and kisses her quickly. "Kev, my wife, Eileen."

Shit, that's right! He got married! I think Kristin sent something…I hope she did, anyway. "So, you're the one that managed to get him to leave behind the bachelorhood? Congratulations!" I shake her hand and smile.

"And you're the infamous Kevin!" she laughs lightly. "It's wonderful to finally meet you in person!"

"See? They do so exist!" Annie interrupts, dragging Sammie by the hand behind her.

"Oh my God!" Howie exclaims, his eyes bugging out as he looks between Sammie and myself. "Samantha?"

"Hi, Uncle Howie," she says, tilting her head slightly to the side and blushing. "I was just teasing her, you know."

Howie heads over to her and she hugs him warmly. "You haven't met my wife. Eileen, this is Samantha and Annie, Kevin's girls." Seconds later, we are ambushed by squealing children. Nick's children as they rush into the room with excitement and giggles, attacking Howie and Eileen all at once in an abundance of hugs and questions.

There's a piercing whistle and everyone looks over to Nick, still with his fingers in his mouth. "Dull roar, okay? The baby is still sleeping. Take it outside, ladies, please. You can attack Uncle Howie later."

"Not before they say hello to Uncle Brian and Aunt LeighAnne!" Brian is suddenly in the doorway, opening his arms for the onslaught of hugs. "Whoa!" He falls over playfully and gets himself tickled before retaliation, and this time, at least, my girls can join in on the fun. They at least know Uncle Brian and Aunt LeighAnne.

"That's Richardson Chili," LeighAnne says with a smile, saying hello to everyone with a kiss and a hug. She stays by my side with her arm around my waist and leans her head against me. Support. She's taken me on as her support project again. Somehow, at family gatherings, she takes both Brian and myself on as 'husband' and takes care of us.

"Where's the tag-along?" I ask.

"He stayed behind," Brian says, hugging everyone. "The only boy? He'd rather die!" he mocks with a shake of his head. "Still in the kootie stage when it comes to girls."

"Took you long enough to grow out of it," I joke. "If it didn't come attached to a basketball, you didn't want any part of it either at his age."

"Shut-up," he laughs, landing his hand in my gut. At least this is somewhat familiar, but then I look around the kitchen and it seems as if I'm not quite here. Not with Nick and Howie in the room. And then Rachel joins us, settling next to Nick and I'm feeling very odd, old, and out of place. It's just too surreal, and I'm feeling very single for the first time in a very long time.


Nick

I can see Brian pass Leigh a look, and although I'm not sure what it means, I know it's about Kevin, mainly because Kevin's the only one that just said goodnight and left the room. The rest of us are still lounging on the patio, drinking and carrying on like usual. Tomorrow, AJ'll be here and I don't think all of us have been in the same state, much less the same room, in five years, even if Backstreet's only been gone for three. There were a few problems in the end with all of us, so we never quite made it. Maybe if we had, I wouldn't be the only one…

"So," Eileen says, looking around the table at us with unasked questions filling the air, "that's the infamous Kevin?"

"Well, it's Kevin," Brian answers, settling next to Leigh, lifting her hand up to kiss it quickly. "Infamous? Well…"

"He made it this far," I say defensively, sitting my drink down. "And for Kevin to make it this far…"

"But I don't get it," Eileen says with a shake of her head.

"You didn't say anything?" Brian asks Howie with a kick.

Howie shrugs and sits back, putting his arm around Eileen. "Kind of difficult to say something when I really don't have a good idea what even happened. One day he was taking time off for personal reasons, the next day a manager is saying he's out of the group and we don't hear from him again."

"That's what he told me," Eileen agrees. "One day, he was just out."

"More to do with everything in his life falling apart," I mumble, putting my feel up on the table.

"So, explain that," Brian tells me, kicking me now. "We know something went down when you saw him." All I can do for a moment is nod, closing my eyes to see Kevin staring back at me with haunted, wicked eyes. "Hey, Nicky…" Brian says gently and leans forward to tap my knee. I open my eyes to look at him, then the rest of us around the table. "You never did say what happened between you two." I shake my head slowly.

"Care to share?" Howie asks.

"Not particularly," I say quietly. "I don't think it's something…" What? Something he'd want to share. Wouldn't he have said something if he wanted everyone to know? Isn't it more than some kind of gossip? It feels like gossip. They weren't there. Would I even be able to get it across? What happened?

"Nicky," Brian starts, and sighs sadly, "I was there when he signed himself in." When I look at him, there are tears in his eyes. He was there. Unlike me. I wasn't. I left. Hightailed it out of there as quick as possible. Called in the Calvary named Brian and left.

"You know what he was like," I say with a shrug. A shrug? What am I? Thirteen?

Brian looks over to Howie and Eileen and sits back heavily. "Calmer than what you described," he says.

"That's because there was nothing left to destroy around him," I gripe. "He'd done all that already. Did you not see the state of the house?"

"You cleaned up," LeighAnn reminds me quietly.

"Kristin." And another shrug. There wasn't enough time to clean up all of it. "At least there were no sharp edges around."

"Nicky?" That's Howie's voice, and he's whispering in shock. Is it really possible no one's said anything to him about this? Not even Brian? He couldn't figure this out? Kevin-Calm-and-Cool Richardson falls off the face of the planet, and Howie couldn't figure out that something happened? "It was…that…bad?"

I look directly at him, stiff expression, feeling the tears in my eyes. "Worse." I can taste something in the back of my throat. The same taste I felt that night. I'm pretty sure it's fear. How do I get around this? He's right upstairs. He can probably hear. And if I say something… Kevin and I are awkward enough, how are they going to react to him tomorrow knowing?

"He seems fine," Eileen says, bewildered.

"He is fine," Brian tells her. "He's just not like he used to be, that's all."

"Well, how could you be, really?" LeighAnne says sadly.

Rachel takes my hand and squeezes it, passing me a gentle smile. "It was really hard," she says for me, looking at them. "And it really should be up to Kevin to say something."

Kevin

"Like what?"

As soon as I speak, I can feel all eyes on me. Fear, guilt, shame, questions…they're all present and accounted for. The same looks I've given myself on numerous occasions.

"Kev…I…" Poor Nicky. He looks ready to vomit.

I step closer and stand behind his chair, resting my hand on his shoulder easily. "I shattered." It's as plain as I can say it and quite possibly as true as I can get. "I just shattered."

"It's understandable." LeighAnne speaks up, as ever my protector. "You had just…I mean…"

I sit back down in the chair I vacated and take a slow breath. "You handle it like Kris, I suppose." Perform, more like it. She was hurting just as much as I was. More, maybe, but instead of breaking down, she choked it all back, squared her shoulders and gracefully took care of the girls, cleaned the house, made dinner. We weren't talking much by then…there really wasn't any reason for us to stay together. That's quite a sign, isn't it, Kev? I look around to everyone, attempting to sound calm. "'That's quite a sign, isn't it, Kev?' She was kind enough to wait two weeks, anyway."

"Nice," Nick whispers, shifting uncomfortably in his chair. It's grown dark without any of us knowing, and the only light is coming from inside the house. Our faces are in shadows, making it a little easier to talk. I can't see the reactions clearly. Only mine from the little memory I have of it all.

"He showed up and I was…" Looking at Nick, I'm at a loss for words, wanting desperately to apologize to him.

"Shattered," Brian says for me quietly.

All I can do is nod. "Shattered, yeah." It's my turn to shift uncomfortably in my seat. "I hadn't been able to get my head out of my ass. That's part of why Kris gave up. I couldn't recover. I couldn't get past…anything." I can hear my voice shaking and feel like an ass. I didn't come down here to get into this. I didn't come visit to rehash it all.

"Kev, it's okay," Brian's face is lit from the shadows, his blue eyes intent and sad as he looks up at me.

"It's okay?" I snap at him in disbelief. "How is it okay, Brian? How is any of that okay?" He doesn't deserve to be screamed at, and if I keep screaming, I'll wake the kids. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry…" The words rush out of my mouth. "I don't mean that."

"I know," he whispers back. "I know what you meant."

I stand up, and excuse myself quickly from the table. There's no way I can get into this. There's no way I can explain what happened without losing it all over again. It's different talking to a doctor. These are my friends. My helpless, scared and confused friends, unable to help or understand what went on in my head when I snapped into a million pieces. And regardless of them being able to, it's not going to change anything that happened. There's no way to bring any of it back, to keep it from having happened. And I don't want to go over all the questions of what I could have done differently again.


Nick

Brian's standing with his hands at his side helplessly, watching Kevin make his way down the path towards the pool. No one makes a sound for a long moment until I hear a sniffle. Rachel wipes away a tear from her cheek and I squeeze her hand.

"Damn," Howie whispers, more to himself, I think, than any of us. Yeah, Howie, none of us were expecting that either. "What do we do?"

"Give him a minute," Brian says decisively, moving to stand behind LeighAnne's chair and kiss the top of her head. "He probably hasn't talked about this in a long while."

"I woke up to him this morning. I think it was a nightmare or something. He didn't say anything about it. I wasn't going to mention it, but I think it's been on his mind awhile. Maybe coming down and seeing me made him remember it or something."

Brian glances at me briefly before looking back down the path. "It's not something he forgets, Nicky," he says quietly.

"I didn't mean to start anything," Eileen says with a shaky voice. Poor thing. Howie wraps his arm around her and pulls her close, whispering to her gently.

"I don't think you did, honey," Rachel says. "I think part of him expected to have to explain what happened to you all considering the way it was left. I just think he's going to have to figure out a way to get through saying it."

"There's a lot of emotions he has to figure out," Brian adds, still looking at the empty path. How helpless does he feel? I bailed, but he stuck around. Does he blame himself for not being able to help more, too?

"How do you leave someone two weeks after having a breakdown?" Howie asks, his voice full of anger and confusion.

Brian sits down in his chair with a sigh and shakes his head. "How do you stay when they're unresponsive and drunk?"

"They'd been having problems before that," Leigh adds. "I guess that was just the final push."

"They were having problems?" Howie asks. "Why didn't he ever say anything?"

"He took time off from the group, Howie," Brian says, blinking at Howie. "He moved back to Kentucky. What did you think that was all about?"

"I just figured…I don't know. When he didn't win, I just figured it would go back to normal."

"So did he, I think," LeighAnne says. "But he lost. And he was having problems with Kristin. Then his mother got sick… He never seemed to get back on his feet from one thing before another thing hit him. Something had to give."

"It was Kevin," Brian says.

"Someone should go talk to him," Howie says, looking down the path now too as he rests his head against Eileen's. They make a good couple, I consider as I look at them. She's been good for him, just enough space, just enough support. It's hard to find that balance, and I thank God everyday I found it so long ago with Rache. I don't know how I could have gotten here without her.

Brian picks up his drink and just slouches a bit further into the cushions. "Give him some time to get his bearings back," he advises. "He'll be okay."


Kevin

I can feel the breeze cooling the tears on my face as I make my way past the pool towards the rest of the yard. I don't have the slightest idea where I'm going, but I couldn't sit there and lose it in front of them, and I couldn't attempt to keep talking without losing it. Now that I have, now that I've had a good cry and calmed myself down, I have to go back and face them. I have to go back and attempt to explain it all as I watch them watch me as if I'm going to shatter all over again. Poor Nicky, man! I didn't want to get into it like this…so soon. I hoped we could have gotten around being awkward before I had to do any of this. Before I had to face him and that day all over again.

"Kevin?"

It's dark out here. It just dawns on me that they probably can't see me sitting against this palm tree looking out into the nothingness. And it's Nick's voice…probably the only one that knows his way back to the house.

"Right here, Nicky," I answer, seeing his figure come out of the path. I didn't make it too far off that path. Learned that lesson a long time ago. I stand up to meet him, wiping my hands on my jeans. "Sorry."

"You've been out here a while, we just wanted to make sure you were okay. I'll leave you alone…"

"No, Nicky, I'm sorry. For everything. For losing it back there, and losing it back then…for…" Where do the words form? I've been trying to figure out some way to say all this for years and magically, the words form? They're right there, spilling out of my mouth? "…everything, Nicky. You didn't deserve to have to deal with that. Me. And I didn't come down here to rehash it all and…"

"Kev, man, slow down," he says. He's made his way over to me and I feel his hand on my shoulder. There was a time when he had to stretch to do that. "It's all right. It's not like you planned any of it."

I lean back against the tree and rest my foot against it, sticking my hands into my back pockets. "I didn't mean to drag everyone into it like I did, Nicky. Just now. I didn't mean to drag everyone into like I did back then either. I bailed on everyone."

"Kevin, no!" Wow, that's adamant. "You didn't bail on anyone. You…geez, Kev! After everything that happened? We were worried! You reached a breaking point. That's all we thought…we still think…happened. You reached your breaking point and there was just nothing anyone could do to help. We're still kind of waiting around to find out how we can. Kevin, it doesn't matter how many years go by…we're still out there waiting for you to let us back in, man. We never walked away, or gave up. We just…"

"Ran out of options," I finish for him. "I didn't give anyone any options."

He sits down on the grass and starts pulling at some of the strands and I join him at the base of the tree. Maybe this might take awhile. I don't think I'm getting away with brushing it off anymore. "You never gave us many in the first place," he says somewhat hesitantly. "You always had that picture perfect vision." He cups his hands before his face, looking through them. "And you were never really satisfied if anyone fell short of that, you know, Kev? And least of all, you! You always pushed and pushed and pushed until it was the way you wanted it to be, and you never gave anyone any option to make it into what they wanted."

"You're not the first one to say that."

"No, probably not. But know what, Kev? When are you gonna listen to it? When are you gonna let someone make a mistake? When are you gonna just…figure out you can't control everything? Didn't you learn anything from what happened? You have no control over life, man. It just happens, even if you don't want it to. And it's been going on the whole time you've been hiding from it."

"I've not been…"

"Bullshit, Kevin! I haven't seen you for two years! Howie hasn't seen you for two years! AJ hasn't seen you for two years! You called me once since that night. And that was last month! Dude! We lived together for ten years! Ten years!" I'm pretty sure anyone along the coast can hear him, and all I want to do is hide. I never should have come. I never should have done this. Opened the wounds back up again. Maybe it was best to leave the ten years as they were - in the past.

I feel the back of his hand slap against my knee. "Who was the one that faced AJ's problem with no hesitation? Who was the one that looked at me and shook me to my senses when I started heading in the same direction? You dealt with all the management shit when we needed a single front or voice. You looked out for all of us for ten years and we never forgot that. All of us, Kevin, all of us, are better people because you guided us in some way. I'm an older brother too! Don't you think I know how much you've done for us? How much you looked out for us? And then, after all that…after ten years…you disappear out of our lives, and we're supposed to just accept that? Think again!" He hits my leg again, and then again with more strength. "We've been waiting for you to reach out to us since this happened! I'm not letting go now that you're back!"

If he could see better, I'm pretty sure he'd punch me right about now.

"Damn it, Kevin! You don't just… Fuck you, you asshole!" I'm laughing. Totally not the right response, I know, but I can't help it. It just came barreling out of me. "Fuck you!" he yells again, and in spite of not being able to see well, he piles on top of me with his fists flying. I think he's flailing them around in the hopes of hitting something, but he's not really trying. All I have to do is push him back and he's off me…and I'm still laughing. "What the hell? Are you really losing it this time? What the hell are you laughing at?"

"You! Jesus, Nicky! You!" I can't help it. Here we are, going over all the years we've spent together, looking at each other as if it was a lifetime ago, and in the dark, across from me, is the little twit, twelve years old, trying so hard to be tough and macho, sounding whiny and confused all over again.

We're still in there, those people we used to be. Those stupid, dumb-ass kids that have no clue how to handle our lives or what's happening in them, and every once in awhile, that façade of control and maturity we wear comes off, doesn't it? We let our guard down and become those confused kids all over again.

"Stop fuckin' laughing!" he huffs, shoving me, but his voice breaks into a giggle he tries to hide.

"Why stop now? I always laughed at you when you got whiny and pouty, dawg, since I've known you."

Nick

I sigh heavily, more out of familiarity than annoyance. He's right. He always did laugh at me when I attempted to push my weight around. I never did manage to hone that bellow of authority like he had. He speaks up and his voice booms fear into you. I speak up and…yeah, they laugh. I sound whiny, but dang it, I am pissed! I may not be able to scare him by raising my voice, but I am pissed.

I'm just as surprised that I was yelling at him. I came down here to just talk and see if he was okay. I didn't come down here to yell at him for abandonment issues -- that's what it sounds like, doesn't it? "Look, Kev…"

"I know, Nicky," he chuckles. I really wish he'd stop now. Instead he reaches out to pat my leg. "I'm sorry. I know you're serious. I just…I didn't know it went that far…or that's how y'all felt."

"What did you think we felt?"

"I just…I figured y'all had had enough anyway. I don't know. It's not like it was any fun by the time I left, right? We all went on and did other things. I didn't think anyone really missed it anymore besides me."

I just want to slug him! "How the fuck could you think that?"

"Have any of us really been hurt…"

"Yes!" I snap. "All of us!" That silenced him, anyway and it's so dang dark, I can't see the expression on his face. He's just suddenly quiet. "You can't say you haven't been hurt with us not being around? That you haven't missed us?"

"Of course I missed y'all!"

"Then how can you say none us have been hurt, Kevin?" I ask, interrupting him again. "You don't walk away, Kevin! You just don't!"

"Nicky…I'm sorry. I mean it…I'm sorry. All I was trying to do was make it easier on y'all."

"Well, you're a stupid fuck sometimes."

"Yeah, I know that." I blink towards his shadow, totally not expecting that answer. "And I've made a serious mess of a lot of things because of it. And I've hurt a lot of people because of it."

"So? What're you gonna do to fix it?"


Kevin

Fixing it has been the one question I've asked myself for the last two years. I still don't have an answer when I wake up the following morning at the crack of dawn. This time though, when I make it downstairs, Annie's already up and watching TV by herself. Well, she doesn't think she's by herself. Barbie is with her and apparently has a lot to say on the morning cartoon as it unfolds.

"Good morning, Princess," I say, going into the room to kiss the top of her head and tousle her hair. "You're up early."

"Barbie wanted to see this. She thinks he's…" she kneels up and points to the screen, "cute."

"She does, huh?" I watch the cartoon flash and blur. "What about you? You think he's cute too?"

"Nah. Boys are icky."

"Good answer," I laugh, tousling her hair again. "Do me a favor and keep telling me that, okay?" I head back into the kitchen to make some coffee and when I turn from looking out the window, Annie is standing in the doorway with a curious look. "What's up munchkin?"

"Daddy? Grandma told us that you used to be bestest friends with Uncle Nick, and Uncle Howie. And if," she pauses, her forehead scrunching together trying to figure out such complex thoughts, "if that's true, why do you feel sad?"

She overheard too much last night. Fuck! I sit down on the stool and reach out, pulling her up into my lap and hug her tightly. How do I explain this? I kiss the top of her head and hold her tightly, exhaling. "I'm not really sad, Annie. I just missed them."

"Why didn't you stay friends then?" she asks, those bright blue eyes looking up to question me.

"Know how you always want your friend Mindy to visit? But when she goes home, you like not having to share all your toys?" She nods, still looking up at me. "Well, that's kind of how daddy feels."

"Oh," she says, crinkling her forehead together in deep thought. "You always get sad when we ask you about them."

Out of the mouths of babes…

"Well, you can still ask me about them. I'm don't mind. Okay?"

She nods and squirms down off my lap, starting off back towards the TV. She stops and turns around with a big smile. "You have me an' Sammie."

I nod with a smile of my own, trying hard not to break into tears. "I know. And you two are the most important things in my life."

"Just sayin'." She shrugs and blows a kiss to me before scampering off.

I hear her say good morning and moments later, Nick is standing in the doorway looking at me with a smile. "Dang, that got me all chocked up."

I nod at him, still with a smile on my face, but ready to burst into tears any second. "She's amazing, isn't she?" I answer, rubbing my chin with a finger as I shake my head. I look over to Nick and move to pour the coffee now that it's ready, wondering what kind of damage I might be doing to them if they're picking up on my behavior. Have I been distant with them? Sending the wrong message? Does she and Sammie think they're not enough? Nick stands next to me, waiting to pour his own mug, but he's watching me curiously, an eyebrow raised. "What?"

"Your mind's going a mile a minute, man," he says with a knowing smile. "You're a good dad, Kevin. I've seen you with them. You're a good dad. She's six and has questions, and no one is perfect."

"Still…" I lift a shoulder and head back to the stool, dumping some sugar into the mug and stirring slowly.

He turns and looks at me pointedly. "You're a good father, Kevin," he tells me solidly.

"Thanks, Nick," I tell him quietly with a small smile before sipping the coffee. "What time's AJ getting in?" Change the subject, man. Nothing to dwell on here.

"Probably soon," he laughs with a shake of his head. "That's part of the reason I'm up. Nothing worse than waking up to AJ dive-bombing onto your mattress." I laugh, remembering all too well AJ's wake-up calls. "It's worse now!" Nick laughs with me. "He gets the kids to join in!"

"You say that as if I've never had the experience," I chuckle. "Remember, my kids are older than yours, dude."

The last time, Sammie was four with her hair in messy pigtails, squealing in giggles. I rolled over just in time to see him holding her over our bed before dumping her on top of me, and AJ dove in, between Kris and myself. He then started tickling Sammie to the point where she squirmed and kicked on top of me. I dumped her back onto AJ and started tickling her too and she thought it was the best day of her life. The rest of that visit she kept taunting AJ with 'bet you can't tickle me.' Of course, she lost the bet each time, but it didn't matter.

Squealing giggles from Sammie…when was the last time I watched her fall down in squealing giggles? She has the tendency to be much too serious about things, and is in such a rush to be a grown up I worry she's not taking advantage of being a kid. She knows it all, is always right and isn't impressed with anything, at least, not around me. And she misses Kris, but refuses to admit it. Maybe that's why she isn't carefree…she's been hurt in her short nine years…why haven't I considered this before?

"Earth to Kevin…" I look up and Nick's waving a hand in front of my face. "You need that caffeine mainlined, dawg?"

"When haven't I?"

"I was saying, once AJ gets here, we should head down to the beach and do some sailing or something."

"Trying to drown him the second he gets in?" I ask with a smirk. "That's not very polite, Nicky."

"Yeah…think I should wait until tomorrow?"

I nod in sarcastic approval. "Might be best. Which way would the tide drag his body anyway?" He shrugs in return and cracks up into giggles. He's still such a kid. Fuck, I missed him.

Nick

AJ hasn't released Kevin yet, and the longer he hangs on, the harder it is for the rest of us to keep dry eyed. At least we're all outside and wearing sunglasses. We can hide behind them, right? The kids are off playing in the sprinklers in the yard with Erin. She's getting such a bonus in her paycheck… I can hear the laughter from here and the rest of us have been able to sit around, soak up some sun, swim a bit, play basketball a little, catch-up. Reminds me a lot about the early years, when we were still getting to know each other and had all the time in the world, except this time, no one is calling us away to practice or rehearse. It's just us as us; who we grew into and realizing we've all done okay, considering…

"Dude!" AJ's finally stepped back and heads over to Brian to say hello and hug him before we're each greeted. "This here is just…fuck!"

"Where we all started?" Howie suggests, looking at us. It is too. We're all back in Florida for the first time since…probably our last tour. Geez, it's been that long? Geez!

Kevin takes his seat silently, looking obviously overwhelmed. His eyes are hidden behind sunglasses too, but it's not hiding anything. We all have the same expression, I think. I know I want to bust into tears for some unknown reason. My brothers are back. We're all here and no one has words to explain what we're feeling, not even AJ who always has something to say in awkward moments like this.

He goes over to stand next to Kevin, putting a hand on his shoulder as if to either hold him down or make sure he's real. I know I've wanted to do that these last few days, just to make sure he was real and not just my wishful thinking willing his image into shape. We settle back into our chairs and the awkward emotions pass by as AJ tells us about his adventures in the airport. It's AJ, there's never a routine flight in his life. There's never a routine anything in his life, to be honest.

I don't know where the hours go. We fall into a rhythm of talking, going between 'remember when' to present day, and back again. Our feet are planted firmly in the distant past and present somehow, and we're all relaxed and laughing about our adventures. It's been a hell of a life, when I let myself think about it. Between recordings, fans, traveling…the people we've met, places we've been. Some people have never been out of their hometown…and here we are, talking about being around the world in 100 hours. How is any of that possible? How the hell did any of us even survive?

That's when I take a good look at the faces surrounding me. They're how we survived. Each and every one of these people survived because we were right there with them as it happened. And I settle on Kevin's face, realizing just how much he tried to make us aware of the opportunities we had. He had the normal life, and knew what we had wasn't normal. He was the one that was always aware of how special it was and tried to make us see that.

Had we? Had we paid enough attention to it? Had he? Does he miss being 'special' now that he was back to 'normal'? How could he not miss the perks? Sure, it must be pretty cool to go shopping again, to be in a PTA meeting or something and just be another parent? But is he really okay with it? Do the other people know who he is? Whisper about him? Get that thrill of celebrity when he comes in? There's no way people don't notice him, even if they don't know he's a Backstreet, they have to notice he's fucking attractive. People always noticed that.

And then, suddenly, he jumps out of his chair as the sound of a scream peals out and my heart jumps out of my chest. I'm less than a step behind him as we all head to the yard where the kids were playing. Erin's bending over Sammie who is crying and holding her arm in between screaming at Erin to 'get away', when she sees her dad and calls out to him.

"She fell on the grass," Erin tells us nervously, as Kevin scoops Sammie into his arms. That's when I can see her arm is twisted oddly and we all know it's broken. He's mumbling to her, telling her everything is okay and kissing her forehead, looking over to me. Before asking, I tell him I'll drive and we're off to the hospital.


Kevin

I'm still sitting next to Sammie, smoothing her hair and quietly singing to her to keep her calm. It's been a long time since I've sat with her, singing this song. And even odder than that, is that it's one of Nick's from his first solo album way back when. Even as a baby, she preferred Nick, I consider with a smile, looking down to her.

I'm sure it's more of the adrenaline drop than anything, although the painkillers are playing a big role, but whatever is causing it, I'm able to relax now that she's quiet and calm. When I look up, Erin is standing in the doorway nervously, watching us.

"She's fine," I say quietly, smiling to her. Poor thing is positively white with fear.

"She just slid on the grass," she tells me again, shaking her head slowly in bewilderment.

I smooth Sammie's hair again and kiss her forehead before getting up from the bed. "She inherited her father's accident prone gene," I tell her, putting my arm around Erin's shoulder and leading her down the hallway. "Relax. I don't think you did it."

"I just feel so awful," she continues.

"Yeah, well, it's scary, but she's going to be fine." I stop and make sure I look into her eyes in an attempt to prove my point. "Really."

"Thank you," she says quietly, a weak smile forming on her lips. She's pretty now that I'm looking at her: straight brown hair, dark brown eyes, and deep red lips.

"Come on, I'll buy you a cup of coffee," I tease, heading towards the kitchen. She's telling me how it all happened, and all I can do is shake my head knowingly. "I wasn't kidding when I said she was accident prone," I reply. "We both have the most uncanny ability to land wrong in all situations."

"You're a lot more casual about this than I'd be." She slips onto the stool near the counter as I make some coffee.

I shrug. "Am I?"

"I'd be a stark raving lunatic if one of my babies had been hurt," she says.

"It was an accident. I'd be a stark raving lunatic if someone intentionally hurt one of my babies."

"Believe that." AJ's at the doorway watching us and it's just now I figure out that he's got to be wearing a wig or something. No way he has that much hair. He didn't have that much hair when I met him.

"Aje…" It's an age-old greeting that just falls off my lips.

"You should have seen him when someone intentionally picked on one of us back in the day," AJ continues, stealing the stool next to Erin. "And we were old enough to protect ourselves. Ain't that right, Kev?" I lift a shoulder indecisively. Was I over-protective? I don't think so. "Don't let him fool ya. He'd have your scalp if he thought you hurt her on purpose. Anyone that talks about momma's being protective of their young never saw Kev here being protective."

"I'm not that bad."

"Oh no?" AJ turns the question around. "Dude, I got you mad once. You'll note I never did it again." He looked over at Erin. "And that was, like, ten years ago, I'll have you know."

"I wasn't being over protective, you were being a total fuck-up. There's a difference between someone else trying to kill you, and you trying to kill you." I wag the spoon in my hand at him and drop my chin, realizing just now that I was playing the big brother…but I still don't think I'm being over protective.

His laugh and Erin's snicker makes me wonder differently, and AJ nudges Erin with his elbow. "See what I mean?" He wags his eyebrows at me playfully and I find a smile on my face. Dang, I missed him too. I've missed all of them, and seeing them makes me realize I missed them a lot more than I thought I did.

"So, what were you humming when I went upstairs?"

AJ turns to Erin and back to me. "Humming? Notes? Music? Coming from him?"

"Shut-up, dawg," I grouse at AJ and roll my eyes, leaning against the counter and listening to the coffee maker sputter.

"No, see, this guy here? He gave up on music. Not another note would pass his lips," AJ continues ignoring me. "He's never going to sing again. No point in it. Ain't that right, dude?" He watches me intently now and poor Erin just looks confused. Haven't I dealt with enough today? Did he have to bring that up now too?

"But he was…" She shakes her head, looking between us. "No, I heard him…"

AJ nudges her again with a laugh. "I'm yankin' his chain, baby."

"Oh." She blinks at me, then back to AJ. I just keep looking at AJ and exhale deeply, trying not to let this get to me.

"How do you take your coffee, Erin?" I ask, deciding to ignore AJ - like that's ever been possible.

"I take mine black," AJ pipes up, leaning his elbows on the counter. All I do is glance at him before turning my attention back on Erin. She looks positively uncomfortable and confused.

"Was that Nick calling you, dude?" I ask. He shakes his head and says 'no', but I shake my head in return. "No, I'm pretty sure that was Nick calling you. Why don't you go find out what he wants?" He goes reluctantly, but I know it's not over. He'll be back. In the meantime, I turn back to Erin. "Sorry about that."

Nick

I frickin' knew it! I knew I wouldn't get away without being dive-bombed by AJ at some point. Somehow, however, I thought he'd do it in the morning with the kids, and not in the middle of the night, in the dark, and by himself, full of giggles.

"You guys are so gross." Yeah, he dives onto the mattress and whispers so as not to wake up Rachel. Like she's not snorting laughter into her pillow? "I mean, really, eight years of marriage and you sleep like you like each other or something. Ew."

I lift my head from my pillow slightly and lift an eyebrow at him in the shadow. "You should try marrying someone you like next time, Bone." Not some barely-teenage thing you meet on the Vegas strip and decide you can't live without after knowing her a week. Freak. That marriage only lasted three months. At least he made a real attempt before giving up with Sarah…not that any of us were really surprised. We tried to support him, but I couldn't really swallow the 'saved my life' stuff. Rachel saved my life. Sarah just offered him an alternative to drinking, maybe?

"Dude, you know I've been pining for Rachel ever since you stole her away from me at the vending machines."

"Go away, dawg, I'm trying to sleep." I am so not doing this tonight. Eva's already been fussy all evening and Rachel and I were just getting comfortable.

"Dude, you gotta see this!" He's tugging at my wrist and pulling me partly out of bed before he stops and lets go. Half of me lands on the floor, my legs still up on the bed. "You're, uh, dressed under there, right?" he realizes to ask, and I hear Rachel snort harder.

"If you tell me it's one of those fucking Florida bugs, I'm gonna scream," Rachel groans next to me. Actually, I kinda think the Florida bugs are pretty cool. So does Josie and she torments the girls with them by holding them by one leg and dangling it in their faces. She's such a tomboy when she wants to be, my little diva.

"AJ!" I whine, pushing myself back into bed. There's a reason I wanted them all here, wasn't there? Because right now, I'm thinking I might prefer AJ in LA. "Dude, we have kids. Have some pity! They'll be up…"

He bounces on the bed on his knees, his hands firmly in the middle of my back. Who the hell gave him sugar? Caffeine? Hasn't anyone offered him Riddilin? Ever? "I saw a flirty bug… You will be so glad you saw this. Come on."

Flirty? Who the hell would be… "Erin and Kevin?"

"I think she likes him…" AJ sing-songed. "And dude is fucking hard up, because he was oblivious."

"She's like half his age!" If you can shriek in a whisper, that's exactly what I just did.

"Kevin was her favorite," Rachel says knowingly and AJ and I just stare her. How the hell would she know that? "What? She's prime Backstreet age. You think I didn't ask her that at the interview? I didn't want to take the chance on some weird obsessed Nick fan in my house!"

"But an obsessed Kevin fan is okay?" AJ questioned.

"She's hardly obsessed, Aje. She's never even asked about Backstreet, really. But, hey, he's down there… he's had a rough day…"

"Because she tried to kill his kid!" AJ cracks himself up.

Rachel reaches out and slaps him in the arm while protesting, "it was an accident."

"I bet she's making it up to him right now," I giggle with AJ. "Maybe it was all a ruse, to get him all vulnerable, so he'd fall prey to her charms."

"Dude, she could try that with me any time. I could entertain some nanny fantasies." Even in the shadows I can see his eyes sparkle in the thought.

I so don't need to know that, or even think about it! This would be one of those times when I don't want to remember all the stories I've heard about AJ and his sexuality…with our nanny. "Ew!" Rachel must have the same thought seeing as she says it at the same time I do.

"C'mon," AJ said, jumping up from the bed. "Let's go spy."

Okay, this might be fun and I'm out of the bed and following AJ like I used to. Really, it's all his fault. He made me. "Man, I haven't spied on Kevin and a girl in like 15 years!"

"Was this a habit?" Rachel asks coming to the door after us.

"Kevy taught me everything I know, darlin'. I had to add a little McLean flare to his moves… guess that's why Nicky kept striking out."

Hey! I did just fine, thank you! Who was in the bed when you came in here, AJ, huh? I slug him and throw my arms around Rachel just to prove my point.

"That is, until he met you, of course. Which move was it that worked? Was it the-"

There was a cry down the hall and Rachel sighs in disappointment. "We are continuing this conversation later. I'll get her, you two go and be idiots." I kiss her quickly, realizing yet again how much I love her, and follow AJ downstairs.

"He's flustered, man!" AJ whispers excitedly to me, turning his head to look down the hall. "I'm shocked he's not fuckin' stuttering!"

"What?" That is impossible! AJ and I used to do this all the time, didn't we? We wouldn't be able to sleep, and we'd sneak out of the rooms to explore the hotel, or spy on Kevin getting' his groove on. He and Howie had the luxury of being old enough not to have chaperones and could go to the bars. Howie was usually very sly about the whole thing, but sometimes…sometimes, watching Kevin hook up was an art form. He made it all look so dang easy. Really, it wasn't fair when it came time for the rest of us. He gave us such false expectations making it look so dang easy. I always wanted that confidence to just go over and talk to some pretty girl, but I was never that suave. I'd get tongue-tied and convince myself she thought I was some dork. Not that they were all that wrong. Rachel thinks I'm a dork, too, but she loves me. "No way!"

"Shhh!" he hushes me, clamping a hand over my mouth and looking over his shoulder. "Come on."

I start humming the theme to James Bond as we creep down the hallway and stairs, feeling fifteen all over again. We do our best Miami Vice moves, sneaking around corners and checking our clearance when we have to cross a room or hallway, and he leads me to the kitchen. We flatten ourselves against the wall just outside the door and AJ lifts a finger to his lips, shushing me.


Kevin

"What was he talking about?"

I slide a mug towards Erin and busy myself with getting milk and sugar out on the counter since she didn't answer me. "Long time ago," I say casually and slip into the stool AJ vacated. "Nothing. I'll take it up with him later."

"But you were humming…right?" She smiles at me with a giggle. "I know I heard you."

"Yeah."

"I thought so." She settles in the stool and nods slowly, stirring some sugar and milk into the mug. "It was sweet." All I do is lift a shoulder again, feeling kind of awkward suddenly. "He was right, wasn't he?" she says, resting her chin into her palm as she leaned on the counter. "You haven't sung much in awhile, have you?"

"No need, I guess," I answer, intently stirring sugar into my coffee. Why does it feel so strange to talk about singing? It's not like I hide from the fact of having been in Backstreet. I just don't make my primary living off of it anymore, that's all.

She exhales sadly and looks at me. "Wow…that's so weird."

"What is?"

"Just…I don't know. I guess I've been here too long. It's all anyone does between Nick and Rachel. The kids are always singing, there's always a guitar somewhere, or notes on the piano. There's always some kind of music around."

"That's because they're still in the industry. I'm not. I run a non-profit."

"I guess that's what's so strange, because I don't know you from that. You're still a Backstreet in my head, I guess."

"I haven't been a Backstreet for a long time." I do my best not to choke on the words as they come out of my mouth. That might have been one of the hardest things I've said.

"So, what were you humming up there? It sounded familiar." She looks down to her coffee, the question so casual.

"An old song Nick used to sing. It was something I used to sing to Sammie all the time when she was little." I chuckle under my breath and stare blindly towards the window. "I don't think I ever even knew the title, or all the words. I'd just sing the chorus to her over and over."

"Sing some of it." She didn't just ask me to sing, did she? I glance over to her, a smile frozen on my face. "Oh, go on…I don't think I know that one."

"I don't think so." I sip my coffee and settle my arms on the counter. "Maybe later." Maybe never. 'Who needs the world when I got you…' to my girls is one thing. It just didn't feel right to burst into song in the kitchen. And it was just unusually quiet. Then I realize it's well after midnight and most people were probably asleep in this big house. Sammie was okay and she had a fuss made over her once were home, the house settled down. The kids are in bed, Brian, LeighAnne, Howie and Eileen are back at their hotel, Nick and Rachel went up a while ago.

"Who's going to hear you?" she asks me, looking up at me with her head cocked to the side. She smiles slyly and leans closer to whisper, "I promise I won't tell anyone." I can't. The words won't come, the tune won't find it's way to my lips. I just sip my coffee again and shake my head with my own smile. She seems to give up, reaching out to touch my hand.

She's a kid. She really is just a kid. Can't be more than twenty-five. I'm aware of my age again as I look at her, but it doesn't seem to matter. My body is reminding me of how long it's been since I've had a casual conversation with someone that wasn't a close friend, board member or casual acquaintance. The last time I was on a date? The last time I was intimate? Held someone's hand, even? And she's probably half my age, isn't she?

"Think she'll sleep through the night?" she asks, motioning towards the door.

"Yeah, she's exhausted, poor thing, and on drugs. She's out."

"Want to go relax in the hot tub then?" This so isn't happening…or I'm just taking this all the wrong way. It's after midnight. I'm tired. She's young. "After your day, you deserve to relax a bit. And so do I now that I know you're not going to rip me to shreds." She hops off the stool and starts across the kitchen, pausing halfway to turn and look at me. "Come on. It's the perfect night for it."

Nick

I didn't believe AJ when he said Kevin kicked him out of the kitchen to be alone with Erin, but we're poised just around the corner, listening and covering our mouths to hold back the snickers.

Kevin? Flustered? Shy?

Erin? Our nanny? Propositioning him?

I never would have thought that in a million years, and as I listen to them, I'm a bit torn. She's our nanny…I never thought of her dating… Okay, this wasn't quite dating either…but…. Erin? Kevin?

AJ nudges me and sticks his head around the corner to see what's going on. They're still at the counter, and their voices have lowered slightly, but then Erin stands up and AJ bolts back around the corner, clasping his mouth as amusement fills his eyes.

"Let's go to the hot tub," he whispers devilishly, sinking into his shoulders with his giggles once it's quiet in the kitchen.

"No!" I whisper back, although if they're both outside, there's no reason to whisper.

"Oh, come on!" AJ says, turning to face me and look over his shoulder into the empty kitchen. "I just want to see if he'll do it. She's hot, man!"

"She's our nanny and it's Kevin! I don't need to see that! And if they want to get it on…" I close my eyes in confusion. This is just too bizarre. "No!"



Kevin

So, what do I do now? My body is buzzing, still not quite sure how this all happened, but I'm probably not going to be complaining about it. But what should I be doing other than making some small talk in the hot tub during a full moon with someone half my age? Well, okay, fifteen years younger than me is not quite half my age, but y'all know what I mean. First, and most importantly, what if Sammie wakes up? I want to be there. Second, if I stay here and someone else is up when I get back, they're going to ask where I was. Do I tell them I was in the hot tub with the nanny? Is this something she's allowed to do? But we're not really doing anything…well, not really. Sort of…

I close my eyes, letting the heat of the water sink into my muscles and feel the spray of the water cool on my face. It's been too long since I've been with a woman. Our feet meet under the water, innocently or not? Just the touch of her skin against mine feels incredible, and it's just…okay, it's not so innocent. Her toe just ran up my calf. I should pay attention to what she's saying.

I am so out of practice…

"See? Told you it was the perfect night for this, didn't I?"

I open my eyes and look up at the stars and moon, nodding. "It is."

That's eloquent, isn't it?

She moves from the seat across me, to the seat next to me and trickles water on my shoulder with a light giggle. "Must be pretty weird to see everyone again, huh?"

I look at her, wondering how much she knows, but she's innocently tilting her head, studying my shoulder and the beads of water on it. "Yes and no…hard to say."

"Nick mentioned it's been a few years since you have all been together."

"A few."

"Have they changed?"

"Other than AJ having too much hair?" Keep it light, Kevy. Stop staring at her lips, even if you are memorized by the way her tongue moves over them, or the way the corners turn up when she laughs. "Yeah, it's different. But we never spent a lot of downtime together. If we were in a hotel, or a tour bus or something I think it'd be different. Everyone's different when you have weird hours, little sleep, and running around like idiots."

"That explains college," she laughs.

Jesus…college…she's so young! What the hell am I doing here?

But as my brain asks that question, I turn my head to look at her, and find myself leaning closer to place my lips against hers in a slow, tentative kiss, part of me wondering if she's going to slap me. Am I reading the signals right? Am I just imagining this? Wishful thinking?

But as her mouth parts, and the kiss becomes something more, the rest of my body figures out I'm not imagining things. She's definitely responding…and so is the rest of me. It's almost embarrassing, but I'm thankful for the bubbles that hide most everything. It's been much too long since I've been intimate. Not since before Kris left, and we hadn't had an active sex life for a long time…

Her mouth finds my ear and I close my eyes, swallowing heavily, listening to her sigh as she moves even closer to me. "I think you need to relax," she whispers, switching ears. "I'm not gonna bruise or something."

I feel like some virginal teenager having his first time. "Good to know."

At least try to be smooth and sophicated, dude, okay?

I let my mouth find hers again, attempting to lose my thoughts in it, and let my hand slide down her back, one hand rests on her thigh. This is really going to happen, isn't it? My body seems to figure this out, head and hands finally communicating.

There really is a beautiful woman coming on to me…this shouldn't be difficult.


Nick

"Kevy…The Kevster…The Kevmeister…" AJ's chanting, doing some silly dance move after Rachel informs us that we can see everything from Eva's room. "Gettin' it on!"

"Shut-up!" I slap his shoulder. "He's not deaf!"

AJ points to the window. "It's closed, dude."

"You're anything but quiet, man!"

"You're both totally incorrigible!" Rachel giggles from behind us, holding a sleeping Eva against her and rocking slowly. "Let him have some privacy!"

"But Rache!" It's AJ that's whining this time. Ha! Not me, although I was about to whine the same thing. I'm not sure if I'm creeped out by Kev kissing our nanny, or amused by watching him be all flustered. There was a time when he'd already have her in bed and almost finished by now. Instead, they're kissing and whispering, and kissing some more, and whispering some more. She's going to give up on him if he doesn't make a move soon.

"AJ," she's scolding him. Good thing he protested and not me. "It may not have been difficult for you to get back into the swing of things after your divorce, but apparently, it's not as easy for others. The least we can do…"

"The least we can do is make sure he gets into the swing of things," AJ interrupts with that impish giggle, glancing back through the window. "And at the rate he's going…" He groans and shakes his head. "Come on, Kev! Make a move, dude! She's aging right before our very eyes!" He stands up and begins heading across the room. "Maybe he needs some help down there."

"Stop!" Rachel orders, pointing at him. "I will banish you to your own room if you take another step! Don't think I won't!"

"Don't think she won't," I laugh with a shake of my head. I can't imagine loving her more than I already do, and yet still, somehow, I always find myself loving her more.

There is a full body, visible, groan as he drops his head and shoulders and shuffles back to the window. "It's not half as much fun this way," he whines. "He's…oh, man! He is so totally screwing this up! Dude! Touch her, at least!"

I look over to Rachel with a grin. "This is so wrong, isn't it?" I ask her, watching her nod at me.

"And yet, you can't seem to move away from the window, can you?" she asks me in that all-knowing tone. All I can do is shake my head at her. "Well, move over and make some room boys. I wanna see too!"

"What?" That's coming from both AJ and me.

She puts Eva down in the crib and pushes her way in between AJ and me. "Well, if you're going to watch!" All we do is blink at her in question. "Are you kidding? Kevin's in the hot tub gettin' busy? I'll watch that any day!" We're still blinking at her. "He's still hot, boys!"

"She's such a traitor!" AJ mumbles to me, wrapping an arm around Rachel's shoulder as we watch and listen to their voices blend with the tub jets. "When was the last time he got it on, do you think?"

"Oh, geez! Like I want to think of that?" I slap AJ's shoulder and shake my head.

"You don't have to think of the deed, man. I'm just asking if you think it's been awhile or if he's had someone on the side?"

"It's been awhile. Are you kidding? You heard him. He totally lost his chops, even if he is about to bag our nanny."

He chuckles. "More like your nanny bagging Kevin."

"Hey," suddenly, AJ is full of seriousness, "someone needs to make him alive again, even if it's just one night. He's been treading water long enough, don't you think?"

Leave it to AJ to zone in on the thought we've been trying to figure out. Treading water…that's exactly it. Kevin's here, and we're seeing him in glimpses, but he's still not Kevin. He's still kind of quiet, watching us all and waiting for something. The only time I've seen him be completely open is when he's with his girls, holding nothing back in his adoration and I hate that he's nervous around us. Hate it.

Kevin and Erin head into the darkness towards Erin's place and I go with AJ to his room while Rachel heads back to bed. He turns on the TV quietly before dropping down in one of the chairs. "He's…" That's all he says, but it's enough.

"Weird, isn't it?" I sit on the corner of the bed and lean back on my arms. "It's like I know him, and don't."

"Brian said it got kinda hairy the other night."

"It's more…how he handled it, what happened when I was there."

"What did happen, Nicky?" We never even looked at the TV, and he turns it off, those soft, curious brown eyes turning on me.

There's my teenage shrug, and I turn my head away. "I watched him…give up, Aje. Give up and give in. After everything he'd gotten us through, all that insanity and mayhem that he was always so calm and rational about… Gone. I wasn't in the room longer than a minute, went in to say I was sorry about the election thing, and he just lost it. Like, he couldn't take one more person telling him they were sorry, and I just happened to be that last person."

I look over to AJ and he's watching me, leaning forward intently and nods slowly in understanding. "He was just sitting on a chair in front of the window when I walked in, and even from across the room I could smell the alcohol on him." AJ raises his eyebrows curiously. "Shot glass in his hand, he just kept pouring shot after shot, staring out the window. I said his name, and he turned his head to look at me, and Aje…I didn't recognize him." I can feel my stomach churn and my jaw tightens to keep the tears out of my eyes. "His eyes were so hollow, and bloodshot. He probably hadn't slept in days. He was so drunk I was amazed he was still conscious. Didn't say a word at first, and then I said I was sorry and he flipped the table over. Light, papers, glass, bottle of whatever…just flew at me right before he did."

He had my shirt in his fist and I was slammed back against the wall so hard I lost my breath. Still not sure if it was because of the strength, the shock, or just the stench of him that caused it.

"Totally out of his mind. He was just out of his mind, and then he went on and on about how I had no right to be sorry, that I had no clue what it was like to lose anything, and I was a spoiled bastard, and he couldn't stand the sight of me and my charmed life, and how I've always been coddled and had it easy while everyone else did all the work. I just came to rub it in, and I was going to tell him how big he screwed everything up for everyone…that it served him right for leaving LA and not recording." He barely had a voice he was so angry. It was raspy and low, and the most threatening sound I've ever heard. "I thought he was going to kill me."

AJ had no words to say and his face was blank with shock. All he can do is blink with his mouth partially open; as if he's trying to form words in a language he didn't know.

"And right before I thought he was going to strangle me, he let me go and fell to his knees, totally losing it. He just broke into tears, and I didn't know what to do, so I left. Kristin was outside the door and within an hour, I was in my hotel room trying to figure out what the fuck happened. Brian called to say he talked Kevin into going into a hospital for some rest and…that was that."

"You know he totally didn't mean what he said, right?"

I look at AJ in all seriousness, believing every word I was about to say. "He did. AJ, at that moment, there was no way in hell he couldn't speak anything but the truth. I reminded him of everything he didn't have, I think, if that makes any sense. Because I didn't have anything horrible happen to me, I only represented everything horrible that happened to him, and he hated me for it. He couldn't hide anything if he wanted to. He hated me, and meant every word."

Curiously, he drops back into the chair and blinks at me again for a minute.

"I mean…he had to hate me," I attempt to explain further, "but he hated everything and everyone: himself most of all. He'd taken all he could take and like I said before…he shattered. I think he feels bad for saying what he said. But I think he feels that way because he meant it. He got stuck babysitting and watching over me, and I went on my carefree, happy way while he obsessed over every detail, and tried so hard to get me to pay attention to the details. While I wasn't paying attention he, apparently, was keeping score."

AJ shakes his head doubtfully. "I don't think it was keeping score, man, but I do think you might be right about you reminding him of the things he's been through. Maybe that part."

"Dude, whatever it was, he scared the shit out of me, and up until a month or two ago, we didn't speak. You see him?" I motion towards the door as if Kevin's standing there. "He's still not quite normal."

"Nicky, how the hell do you stay normal after all that?"

"How do you change after all we've been through together? Does he really think we're not going to try and understand? That we're not interested in how he feels? What?"

Kevin

"So?"

I stop crossing the room and don't even breathe. Why do I feel like I was just caught coming in late on a school night? I breathe, slightly, realizing it's Rachel's voice coming from the darkness that's growing lighter with the rising sun. If it was AJ or Nick, I'm sure there would be no end to the ragging I'd get.

"Sorry," I say quietly, my voice sounding as tired as I feel right now. "I didn't mean to keep you up or anything."

"You didn't," she says, turning on the light beside her, Eva sleeping against her as Rachel reclines in the chair. "AJ did, more than you did. You are so busted, Kevy." I crinkle my face, wincing silently. If AJ knows about this, I am simply screwed. "I sent them upstairs to bed after you two got out of the hot tub."

"Them?"

"Nick too, baby." She chuckles as I wince again.

"Did anyone check on Sammie?" I ask her. "Is she o…"

"I checked in on her," she interrupts, shifting in the chair. "She hasn't even moved. She's fine."

"Want me to take her a minute?" I open my arms out for Eva with a smile. "I remember how tiring it can be staying in the same position with a sleeping toddler glued to you." There's a smile of relief as I lift the baby to rest her head against my shoulder. It's habit, I guess, to turn my head and kiss the top of a baby's head on my shoulder. I remember doing it with my girls at this age.

"Someone fed her Richardson chili," Rachel says, rubbing a shoulder and moving her head around in circles. "I'm either going to kill AJ or Brian. I know Howie wouldn't feed chili to a baby."

"Blame AJ," I say. "Brian knows better, poor thing." I kiss Eva's head again and settle into the chair beside Rachel.

"So, how'd it go?" She's not asking for gossip about what I was doing with Erin, is she? I turn and look at her, doing my best to not show any kind of reaction. "Oh, come on, Kev. We could see just about everything that happened in the hot tub from Eva's bedroom, and AJ and Nick overheard everything you said in the kitchen. I told you, you're totally busted."

"She's a nice girl." That's pretty non-committal, isn't it? I run my hand along the baby's back slowly, focusing on her. "Man, I miss them when they're this age." Change the subject now. See? I do remember some things about being with a woman. Never, ever kiss and tell. Especially to their employers. Dayum, I really just had sex with Nick's employee.

"Your girls are amazing," she says, pulling her knees up under her and turning to face me. "I can't believe how big they've gotten since we saw you last."

"I think that every morning when they come down for breakfast. I swear I could measure their growth in their sleep. Now I have to start thinking about Sammie getting her period." I shake my head, warding off all the panicked father thoughts that slam into me whenever I consider my daughter being old enough to be a woman, and me being the only parent she can go to. "I swear she was this big yesterday."

"Yesterday?" she teases doubtfully.

"Well, okay, probably not. But she liked me when she was this big anyway."

Her forehead crinkles in sympathy and she smiles gently. "She loves you, Kevin. She's just nine."

"Yeah, she's nine, but…I'm not her favorite person at the moment…for awhile now." Shut-up Kevin. A few hours of sleep in Erin's bed isn't going to cover all day. I'm well beyond tired and shouldn't begin any kind of conversation right now.

"She's nine, though, Kevin."

I lift a shoulder slightly and shake my head, watching Eva's bottom lip pout in her sleep. "It'll be fine."

"Can I ask you something?" Rachel shifts in the chair, studying me for a moment as I wait for her to ask me her question. I think I should just give up on any more sleep, shouldn't I? "What happened with Kristin?"

Fuck me! "What happened?" I consider how I should answer that, still trying myself some days to figure out what went wrong. "To be honest, Rachel, I'm not sure. We started off wanting the same things, but ended up… I don't know. We didn't want the same things, anymore, I guess." She only looks at me, knowing there's more. "Well, that's part of it anyway. When things got bad, they moved to worse, and by the time we got worse than worse, there wasn't anything left to keep trying for, I suppose."?

"I know it sounds like I'm prying, and I really, truly don't mean to," she says, turning her gaze to her daughter. "I was just considering how anyone could live without seeing…I mean… How can she not want to be part of those girls' lives? I was upstairs before with her and just couldn't even think of spending time away from my family. A week is like taking a lung. How does she do it?"

"Well," I think, biting my lips together and resting my head back and looking at her, "you start by not wanting to be pregnant in the first place. Then, having another because you think it might bring you closer when you feel like you're drifting apart, and when they don't fulfill your expectations, you give up on them and start all over again, I guess. I don't know." Dang, that sounded really bitter, didn't it? "I don't know how she does it either. I'm with you. I can't imagine not seeing them every day, even if Sammie's not pleased about it, and Annie's growing too fast for my liking. They're my life. They're the only things that kept me going for awhile."

I rub Eva's back gently, remembering those early days with my girls. I loved sitting up with them in the middle of the night when they were fussy and would finally sleep. I'd listen to the silence of the house and their breathing and just feel as if everything was going to be okay.

"I don't think it's fair she gave up on all of you," Rachel says with an edge in her voice, but still, somehow, cautious of what she was saying.

"I don't think she did. I think things got too complicated for her."

"Like they did with you and the rest of the boys?" she says, that fiery sarcasm creeping into her voice. "They never gave up on you, even when there wasn't any communication…"

"They never had to live with me, Rache," I explain softly. "They didn't have to put up with the day to day. You think I don't know part of the reason why Sammie's so hostile? She blames me for her mama going away."

"She doesn't…"

I nod, quieting her. "She does. She was six, Rachel. She doesn't understand 'complicated'. All she understands is that mama's gone, her daddy's sick, and she's with grandma until he wasn't sick anymore. It's too much for a six year old to understand. It's too much for a nine year old to understand. Hell, it's too much for a thirty-six year old sometimes." I look over to Rachel's gentle expression feeling my eyes water. "And what scares the shit out of me more than anything is that one day, she's going to think she wasn't wanted because she wasn't planned and that can't be further from the truth…and she already doesn't want to believe a word I say about the small things, Rache. What's she going to believe when I try to explain the big things? What's she going to think?"

There are tears in her eyes now, and she reaches out to touch my hand, squeezing it as hard as she could. "She's going to think 'at least I have my dad' because one day, she's going to know how much you've done to love her, Kevin."

I rest my head back against the chair and smooth a hand over Eva's head. "Can I quote you on that, Mrs. Connor?" It's as much dry wit I can come up with, and I turn my head against the chair, passing her a slow, small smile. She squeezes my hand again and wipes a tear from her cheek with her other.

Eva turns her head, fussing slightly and without a thought, I rub her back and begin softly singing in her ear. 'Who needs the world when I've got you…switch off the sun, the stars, and the moon…' It's the same song I was singing to Sammie earlier, and it was just an automatic reaction.

Before I realize what I was doing, I feel Rachel looking at me, and turn to see her eyes brimming with tears. "I missed you so much, Kevin," she tells me. All I can do is smile warmly in return and continue humming because if I attempt to speak, I'm going to be crying too.

Nick

"So, he really laid into to you, didn't he?" AJ asks, scratching the side of his cheek as he shakes his head. "He was pretty harsh with me, but not that harsh, man. Shit."

"When'd he get into it with you?" I sit up from my hands in confusion. "I thought you didn't talk to him…"

"It was before that," he interrupts. "Why the hell do you think I didn't talk to him? With me he didn't have time to waste while I sat around tinkering and he had real work to do, so when I was done fuckin' around, I was supposed to call him to come back and do real work." He scoffs sarcastically and just looks at me for a minute. "That was easily a good three months before the election. I put it down to stress and figured I'd call once it was all over. Psych!"

"So, he snarked at you?" Why do I find this so hard to believe? Kevin snarked constantly, he'd just never gotten threatening before and that's what scared me. "Why's that any different than any other time?"

"Dude, he snarked at me while he tossed the music in my face, kicked over the chair in the studio and left a hole in the wall that, strangely enough, matched the size of his fist." He lifts his hands up defensively. "I wasn't about to get in the middle of that."

We look oddly at each other for a long time, I guess trying to figure out what it meant. It meant something…didn't it? That's the question we keep asking each other silently.

"I thought I was the only one he went off on."

"Well," AJ snickers, "you were really. He didn't touch me. I was more confused than concerned or scared really. Like I said, stress. I figured he was strung out about the election thing. I didn't know there were problems with Kris, and he kept saying his mom was fine."

"Well, fuck…" I lean back on my hands again and tilt my head, more confused. "When'd his mom get sick?"

"I don't know. About two weeks after the studio thing with me, his house was on the market and he told Brian he'd fly in when we were recording." He gets an odd look on his face and sits up. "No, wait a minute. He said he'd fly in if we ever recorded."

"So?"

"So…" He moves to the end of the chair and leans on his knees. "So…he already had his doubts then. It wasn't when, Nicky…it was if. If we ever recorded. Goddamn! He knew he wasn't coming back when he moved to Kentucky. He just kept telling us he would."

"And it never happened."

"It never happened." He repeats slowly. "But was that because of all the crap that went down, or because he wanted out in the first place?"

"Geez, Aje, that's like asking which came first; the chicken or the egg?"

"Well, I think it might be about time Kevin answered some questions, don't you?"

What, is he kidding? Kevin just got up the courage to face us after three years. He wants to scare him off again? Confront him? "Dude, maybe we should leave it up to Kevin to explain things when he's ready."

AJ scoffs in a light sarcastic laugh. "Yeah, sure, dawg, that'll happen."

"Look, it's taken him this long…"

"Which means, if he can face us, he's capable of answering a few simple questions."

AJ really does think it's time Kevin stopped treading water, doesn't he? Only, when I look at Kevin, somehow, I still feel like he doesn't quite have his head above water yet.

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