Take It From the Break
Page 2

Kevin

I've been on the phone for the last hour and a half making return calls and checking in on the office. I don't think I've ever been gone this long from the day to day routine of the foundation since it's beginning when I left it in the capable hands of the Hanna's. Part of me is comforted that it managed to get on without me without disaster, but there's also part of me that is whispering 'see, they can do it without you' as well, and I'm finding that unsettling.

As I get off the phone, I turn into Sammie's room to find it piled with little girls and Rachel and smell immediately that smell. I will never understand how women handle the stench of nail polish remover and nail polish. Yeah, okay, the final touch is pretty cool, but God the smell.

"Daddy look!" Annie bounds off the bed and lifts her hands up to me.

"That's, uh…" I have to laugh. She's been attempting to do her own nails. I know this because every tip of her finger is covered in blue, not just the nail. "Really pretty, darlin'."

"Rachel's doing mine," Sammie says, lifting her head up to me and there's a smile. Is that the drug, or is she really smiling at me?

I head into the room to stand beside the bed, looking over Sammie's shoulder to see the light pink color on her nails. "I guess you're feeling better?"

"Fine." She shrugs, watching Rachel do the finishing touches. "My arm doesn't hurt much at all."

"Good." I kiss the top of her head and rest my hand on her shoulder. "Do you need anything?"

"Nope," she answers easily, looking at her hands.

"Okay." I kiss her again and start back out of the room, wondering how she went from crying my name and not wanting me to leave her side yesterday to…being a normal nine year old, Kev. Chill out. Get some breakfast, take a swim, just chill out. I'm going to put it down to having my regular boring routine completely disrupted. Considering when I woke up yesterday, I wasn't expecting to be at the hospital for five hours, get laid, and stay up most of the early morning talking about my ex with Rachel. My head thinks it's afternoon, but it's barely 9:30 in the morning.

After a quick change, I go out to the pool and dive in, deciding laps would be good to loosen me up. I usually go to the gym in the morning for about two hours after the girls go to school and do a series of workouts and these last few days, I've done nothing but sit on my ass and eat. I can get my thoughts straight when I do something physical and let the endorphins release whatever anxiety I pent up.

As I make another turn and head back to the other side of the pool, I hear a splash and feel hands on my ankles, dragging me down and under. Once I come up for air, AJ is splashing me in laughter, and it becomes an all out dunking war. He loses, too. We climb out and I drop down to one of the lounge chairs, catching my breath.

"Kevin Scott Richardson up and moving before noon?" AJ teases, whipping a towel at my legs. "I never would have thought I'd see the day!"

"Yeah, kind of like, AJ McLean with hair, huh?"

"Bite me!" he says, whipping the towel at me again. "Oh, wait, it's not me you want to bite, is it?"

"Don't even!" I laugh, whipping my own towel back.

"Don't even, what, dawg? Bring up the nocturnal activities you participated in yesterday evening, maybe?" He flops himself down into the lounge chair next to me and I can hear his giggle muffled in his towel as he wipes his face. "Dude…dayum, she's hot!"

"AJ? No."

"No? No? She's not hot?"

"I'm not going to talk about it, so forget what you saw and move on." I have visions of Erin heading up to the house for work and overhearing, and I don't think the poor girl needs to be humiliated. It was incredible. She is hot. She's beautiful, actually, but that doesn't mean I should sit in her backyard and gloat. Especially since I had nothing to gloat about. I was oblivious to the whole thing until I was basically hit over the head.

"Oh, no, dawg, I'm not going to forget what I saw," he giggles, shaking his head at me. "The man who taught me the moves…losing his? Oh no… I need to know what happened to that over confidence and suave sophication that used to have the honey's lining up out his door." I close my eyes and lift my chin up towards the morning sun without a response. Like I have an answer anyway? I get slapped with the towel again and just reach over to tug it out of his hand, tossing it to my opposite side. Still without comment. "Dude! Come on!"

"What?" I look over at him and laugh.

He's sitting up and facing me, still slowly shaking his head. "What the fuck happened, Kevin?"

Okay, that wasn't a ha-ha joking 'what happened'. That was serious. He couldn't be seriously demanding details on a one-night stand. "Aje? I'm not getting into details about…"

Waving me off, he lounges back into the chair. "I don't want details, Kev. I want to know what the hell happened to you." He looks concerned when I look over at him and exhales heavily. "Fuck me, Kev, it's not a death sentence. I'm just asking you what's going on!"

"Huh?"

"You look positively petrified, man!" He swings his legs back to the concrete and sits up to face me. "I know that look. Saw it a million times before interviews and performances. Never saw it when I asked you a question, though. I never saw it when it came to you talking to a friend. A friend, Kev, remember us? Your friends? We were taught friends were those people who stick beside you through thick and thin, good and bad? Life and death? People who tell you you fucked up, but love you anyway?" There's a lump in my throat that I attempt to swallow, but it doesn't seem to want to go anywhere. "We learned that from you, man. You. You could have had the decency to practice what you preached to us all those years."

"Is that why you came here?" I ask him, sitting up myself. "To lecture me about how I fucked up? Save it. I know." I stand up and attempt to walk away, not getting into this, not in the frame of mind to get into this, but he grabs my elbow.

"Like you wouldn't fly around the world to tell one of us that we did?" he tells me furiously. "Like you didn't knock down doors to tell me…"

"Oh, Jesus Christ, AJ!" I pull my arm away and scoff at him. "Like that has any remote kind of similarity…"

"Like it fucking doesn't!" He's on his feet, nose-to-nose with me and enraged. I can see it in his eyes and hear his breath come quickly. "How fucking dare you!" He shoves his palms against my chest, pushing me back. "How fucking dare you think you're above the same exact shit you gave us! Who the hell do you think you are, Kevin? Who gave you the right to make the decision over who gets to care about you and who doesn't? Because you don't have that right, you fucking asshole! You don't! You don't walk away from your family without a word and stay away because you don't want to face them! Because you don't want to face their reactions! You're a Goddamn fucking coward!"

It all comes rushing back to me. All those conversations we've all had that started off as mocking, and teasing, and playful, and would turn on a dime into serious confrontation and sometimes, fists flying, without really understanding how it all happened once it was over. We just knew each other, knew the right buttons to push, tossed 'polite' out the window and let ourselves be. I've been going back and forth these last few days between remembering that, and being polite, usually choosing 'polite' when the questions got too personal. But I can't seem to find 'polite' right now.

"Are you finished?" It's as controlled and calm as I can force myself to be, trying with every ounce of my being to be unaffected and cold in response. I suppose it works, but it only pisses him off more and he lands a fist into my stomach and doubles me over immediately.


Nick

I race around the corner just in time to see Kevin give AJ a firm push, sending him toppling over the lounge chairs to land on his ass. One huge step, and Kevin is standing over him, pointing down to him with nothing but pure fury. "It is not the same situation, and if you ever…ever…throw another punch at me when my girls are around, I will rip both your arms off your body and force feed them to you. Do you understand?"

"Hey…guys…" My voice shocks them both and they look away from one another briefly to look at me. "Come on…" Come on what? Don't spill any blood? Don't make me drive to the hospital again? I am completely stunned and the back of my head keeps screaming at me to step in and do something, but my body is not making any movement. Mainly because I have no fucking idea what I'm supposed to do. What am I supposed to do? There's enough tension and emotion out here I'm wondering how any of us can breathe, and all I have to do is look at the tense muscles bulging off of AJ and Kevin in their strain to know that we are so far beyond rational conversation.

I thought I had abandonment issues, but AJ? Looking at AJ, I realize just then that AJ's issues go so much deeper. I never even thought of what he would feel when Kevin disappeared. AJ had never got to know, love and actually trust his dad…

AJ pulls himself up to lean on his hands. "If that's what it's going to take to make you feel something, I'll go get them right now."

Kevin, meet AJ's issues about his dad's abandonment.

"Feel something?" Kevin bellows, tossing a lounge chair aside, taking another step towards AJ. "Feel something? You fuckin', punk-ass, prick! You don't know what the fuck you're even mouthing off about, you dumb shit!"

AJ's up on his feet, confronting Kevin again and I feel myself wincing in anticipation of what might happen. "You're gonna tell me you actually thought about what you were doing? That you actually cared when you dropped off the face of the fuckin' planet and walked away? Because if you are…save it!" His finger pokes into Kevin's shoulder, but instead of retaliation, Kevin steps back.

"You obviously already made up your mind, Aje. Nothing I say is going to make a difference anyway, so fine. Fuck it. You're right." He lifts his hands up in defeat and takes another step back. "For-fucking-give me for having a breakdown and not knowing how to handle it to your Goddamn liking!" His entire body and gesture dismisses AJ and AJ just stands there, his hands limply at his sides, breathing heavily, completely stunned. I don't think that was the kind of reaction he wanted. "Why should you be any different than anyone else?"

Kevin brushes past me so fast, it's all I can do to get out of his way, and AJ and I are left blinking at each other in total disbelief and confusion. I think it's the first time Kevin's ever backed down from preaching about how right he is. I mean…no one has ever walked away from an argument with Kevin without him telling us how absolutely right he is.

AJ leans over and puts the lounge chair upright before sitting down on it and resting his palms on his forehead. "Jesus…" he mutters, totally sounding like he's in shock. He looks past me to the empty pathway and blinks at it, regret all over his face.

"Smooth move, Ex-lax," I tell him, sitting down on the other lounge. Part of me is kidding, at least, trying to break the tension in the air around us. "I can go find an injured puppy for you to kick to make you feel better, you stupid shit."

"Shut-up, Nick," he says flatly, exhaling again and glancing back to the path. I think he's hoping for Kevin to come back or something. "I didn't think it'd get out of hand like that."

"Aje, man, we have no idea what happened. None."

His arm opens out in a gesture to the path. "And he's not doing a single thing to enlighten us any either!"

"So you accuse him of not giving a shit? Dude…do you even see the same guy I do? You think it's easy for him to face us right now?"

"We deserve an explanation, Nicky."

"Deserve?" I shake my head at him. "No, it'd be nice, but when it comes down to it, he doesn't have to tell us anything."

"Bullshit," he snaps at me. All the times we were together, somehow, none of us managed to bother to get into it about Kevin. We brushed over it, sorting through the various questions, but never really said what we felt about it to each other. No one wanting to say the wrong thing, I guess. Trying our best to give him the benefit of the doubt. But looking at AJ now, I can really see for the first time how much he's been hurting over it. All these years, he's been hurting over it and now he's admitting it to me. "You don't do what he did to the people you care about. You don't just walk away, Nicky."

"But Aje…he didn't. He had a breakdown. That's not walking away. That's…I don't know, but that's not walking away. That's just being sick, or something. Maybe he'd have told us what happened when he was ready. Now he's just gonna be defensive about it thinking we don't understand."

"We don't! At least, I don't! I don't understand how you cut all ties to the people you say you love and care about! I don't understand how you don't talk to the people you love and care about when you feel like your life is going down the shitter! I don't understand why he didn't tell us he was having problems! Why he didn't let us help!" The tears in his eyes break free and he turns his head away, brushing them away quickly with the back of his hand. "I don't understand why he didn't let us help," he says more gently, the pain back in his tone.

"Maybe because he didn't think we could," I suggest. "Maybe he thought there was no help?"

"Maybe because he's got too damn much pride to admit he needed it."

Kevin

I don't quite know how long I've been in here, but part of me really doesn't care either. Last I heard, there wasn't a drought in Florida, so I can expend some of the water surplus in an attempt to numb the muscles in my back. If only I could numb my thoughts as easily, but that doesn't happen. As is, I'm sitting on the floor of the tub, hugging my knees to my chest and doing my up most best trying to forget the look on AJ's face as he spat angry words at me.

'You're gonna tell me you actually thought about what you were doing? That you actually cared when you dropped off the face of the fuckin' planet and walked away? Because if you are…save it!'

"When you get out, make sure you're covered…"

I lift my head up and exhale, bringing it further back into the stream of water to wash the longer strands of my hair off my forehead in dread. This has got to be one of the longest days in my life. Now I have Brian, and I'm sure LeighAnne, sitting in my room waiting to have their mini-intervention. At least, that's what I call it. They call it a heart-to-heart when they're concerned about me. I suppose they have the right considering they were the lucky bastards that had to bring me to the hospital when I fell apart and they don't want to do that again. Somehow, I can't seem to make them believe that I don't want to do that again either.

They can wait though. I'm not done, and I'm not ready to face their concerned faces. I do, however, stand up and let the water hit my lower back as I lather shampoo into my hair. I'm not an alcoholic, but I am aware that it's not really a good idea to drink in times of emotional distress. In it's place, I've learned to take a shower. Waste some water, visualize the stress going down the drain and when I get out, it's like a fresh, new start. Right? Good in theory, at least.

When I do manage to get out, dry off, take my time shaving I've worked myself into defiance and walk into the room holding my towel over my privates. Fuck them if they're embarrassed. It may not be in my house, but I do think I'm allowed a sense of privacy in the room I'm staying in. All I do is manage to make LeighAnne blush and turn her eyes away.

"So? To what do I owe the pleasure?" I ask, sitting near the headboard.

"We canceled your reservations," Brian says, turning to look at me with annoyance in his eyes. "And show some decency." He tosses a pillow at my waist.

"I don't think I invited you in here," I say, tossing the pillow aside. "And I don't think it's any of your business when I decide to leave, either." I'm reminded of all those years of being on the road with them, not having a single place to go to get away and have a moment's peace. Even in this huge complex of Nick's mansion, I can't seem to get away from one of them. Someplace this big, you'd think they'd have hard time finding you. But no…they're always there. Always coming in, sticking their noses in, watching, interrupting. Nothing changes. Nothing.

"You're so not going to do this," he tells me, pointing at me. "You're not going to get away from this, Kev. There comes a point when you have to stop hiding."

"Hiding?" I question. "Is that what I'm doing?"

He exhales, giving me another annoyed stare. "I hate it when you get insolent. Get dressed and grow up." He stands up and stretches his hand out to LeighAnne. They make their way towards the door and Brian looks back to me. "We're downstairs having lunch."

The door closes behind them and I toss the towel in that direction, laying naked on the mattress and staring up to the ceiling. I am being insolent and I'd tell my girls the same thing if they tried pulling the same crap with me. However, I like to think that I'll give them some time to get over it. Just in case, I head over to the door and lock it. I'm not ready to face them yet.

I drop back down on the mattress and close my eyes, forcing myself to take a deep breath. Focus. I can make another reservation. There's a flight leaving daily, that's not a big deal. If I go down there, no one is going to force me to pour my heart out. I don't have to talk about anything. I don't have to talk about any of it if I don't want to. It's none of their business.

I close my eyes, telling myself to think of something else. Get my mind off it for a minute and maybe I'll be able to deal with it better if I'm not so close to it. But I don't know what else to think about. This wasn't supposed to go like this. I was just supposed to come down and see Nicky and the family. This was just supposed to be a vacation for the girls to make up for their mother's lack of attention. This wasn't supposed to be a soul-cleansing rectification for me. Baby steps…this isn't a baby step. This is a world tour, dance routine in front of ten thousand critics...and I don't have the slightest idea what the first step is.


Nick

Okay, this is the Kevin I know. He's just come into the kitchen with a shield of arrogance around him, defiant, and there's no one in their right mind that bothers Kevin when he looks like that. Stiff expression, cold, piercing eyes that stare at each of us - well, the adults anyway - before he takes a seat at the table.

"See what I did?" Annie hops out of her chair and trots over to him.

He scoops her up into his lap and praises her latest piece of artwork in pride. "You're getting so much better at drawing people, darlin'! Look at that!"

"I know!" Annie positively beams with the praise, oblivious to his otherwise demeanor. Sammie, however, is more keen to his body language. She seems to mimic him without even realizing it and the smiles and giggles with us turn into a scowl and cold stare to her father.

Wow, that must be one hell of a household.

"I don't think it's that great," Sammie starts, testing Kevin with one single glance.

"Shut-up, Sammie!" Annie argues. "You're not an expert!"

"Neither is daddy," Sammie replies, defiantly lifting her eyes to Kevin.

"Enough, Samantha," Kevin says, lifting an eyebrow to her in warning. "Go finish your lunch, baby," he tells Annie, setting her down and pulls his chair up to the table, glancing to Sammie to make sure his message was received.

She rolls her eyes again and scowls to her plate. "You act like everything she does is so great." Man, the sarcasm dripping off her voice is like slime. "Oooh, look at the scribble Annie did! Ooh! Ahh!" She waves her hand in the air.

"Samantha…" Kevin scolds. "One."

There is nothing but pure defiance when she glares back at him. "Well, you do! Like everything she does…"

"Two," he says, and I get the distinct feeling she knows what happens after two and a half, and three.

"This sucks," Sammie grumbles, tossing her fork onto the table.

"Samantha Kathleen!" Kevin bellows. "Room! Now!"

Sammie pushes her chair back and starts stomping out of the kitchen. "I wish you were the one that left!" she screeches furiously. It's obvious this isn't the first time she's told him this. "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" Each time gets louder and shriller and I can see that with every tone and pitch Kevin's heart crumbles that much more.

He folds his hands and dips his head slightly, closing his eyes as she continues screaming and stomping her way upstairs before we hear the door slam. Once it does, we all sit in uncomfortable silence except for Annie's soft sniffle in her tears. Rachel tells the girls to finish up and go outside to play, and there's not much finishing up before they scramble away from the table. They don't want to be here either.

Then Kevin raises his head to look at the rest of us, and I have no idea what that expression means. It's part defeat, part challenge…embarrassment? But you can just see that his heart is breaking and he's doing his best to hold it all together. I feel so bad for him. "Anyone else want to take their shots while we're at it?" he questions, opening his palms out. When all we do is blink at him in shock, he stands up and excuses himself quietly.

"She didn't even get to two and a half," Howie says quietly once Kevin's gone. It's not meant to be a joke, just an attempt to break the silence and tension.

"He used them up on Nicky," AJ answers, tossing a small ball of bread at me. "Dayum, she's one pissed off little kid."

"I can't believe she's still alive," Howie mumbles in disbelief. No one is eating anymore and we settle into quiet shock. "I mean…yeah, like AJ said. Damn."

"She knows it gets to him," LeighAnne says sadly with a sigh.

"She's also showing off for us," Brian adds knowingly. "Knows he's not going to make a scene in front of us."

"What would he do if we weren't here?" Eileen asks, horrified.

Brian shakes his head quickly. "No…she wouldn't push him this far if we weren't here. He's a good father."

"I didn't mean…" Eileen starts awkwardly and sighs, sitting back against Howie.

"I know," Brian answers her. He's torn too. He's seen all this before and knows too well how many times this probably happens. "She can just really be a handful when she wants to be, and he handles her tantrums the best he can. He knows what she's trying to do and why she says it."

Rachel takes my hand and I look over to her. I don't know how something like this happens. I can't imagine…. How do you go from loving someone, to not caring about them? How do you get there? I'm not saying Kevin and Kristin ever had the perfect relationship, far from it, but once Kevin made up his mind, he was totally devoted to Kristin.

"She blames him for whatever happened with Kris," Rachel says quietly, as if we were thinking the same thing.

"Well, keep in mind that she just found out that Kris is pregnant," Brian tells us. "Kris told Kevin two weeks ago and since then, Sam's been out of hand. She's a perceptive kid; knows she's not going to see her ma again, probably."

Why doesn't someone warn us about the bombshells?

Kevin

I don't even know where I'm going. Where I should go. I couldn't stay in the house. The kids are playing outside. It would take me a good hour to get to any kind of civilization, and even then, it's a strip of bars and hotels and tourists. I just head out and keep walking across the grounds, ending up on the path that goes to Erin's place and she's outside…gardening?

"Don't they hire people to do that?" I ask, watching her on her hands and knees tugging at weeds. She's wearing a tee shirt with the neck and sleeves cut off, and a pair of shorts, beautifully tanned. But I knew she was tanned. I traced her tan lines last night.

She turns and smiles at me, sitting down and tossing bits of weed into the pile. "They do, but I like watching things grow." A smile crosses her lips and she lowers her eyes slightly. "Going out for an afternoon stroll?"

"Getting some air." That was the initial plan, anyway. "What about you? Weren't you supposed to be working?"

"Rachel gave me the day off."

I chuckle, probably blushing a deep shade of red by now. At least it's warm out, I can blame it on the heat of the sun. "That Rachel…"

"Yeah." She looks down to her legs and tilts her head back up, tossing the end of her ponytail over her shoulder. "You wanna…come in for some iced tea or something?"

"I don't want to take you away from your gardening."

"I was going to take a break anyway." She stands up and there's that smile again. I'm not sure if I'm inviting myself into this this time, or if I'm being seduced again, but I cross the yard and head inside after her.

It's insanity. This whole thing is just insanity. Nothing can come from this. I'm using her for a distraction, but somehow, I have the feeling she's using me in a similar vain. She knows about Backstreet, admitted it last night in a fit of post coital giggles, her head on my shoulder and laughing into my chest. At least I was better than her fantasies…or so she said. I'll believe her. I need to believe a little white lie at the moment.

"So, iced tea?" she offers, going into the kitchenette and looking at me over the counter-bar.

"Anything stronger?"

She looks in the fridge. "Um…beer?" I nod when she looks over to me and she grabs two, handing one to me. "So, how's Sammie?"

"She's fine," I say after taking a sip. "Back to her usual self. I won't have to kill you apparently."

"That's a good thing," she giggles, settling down on the couch, patting the cushion for me to sit. "It would really put a damper on the friendship."

"Mmm, yeah, that'd kinda suck, wouldn't it?" Easy banter. I can do easy banter. Keep it light. Right now, the rest are probably dissecting my life and Sammie's probably thinking of all the things I've done to drive her mama away. I don't want to think of anything they're thinking, or saying, about me. I'd rather focus on the strands of Erin's hair hanging over her shoulder and figure out some way to get it out of that ponytail and over my naked skin. Like last night.

"That's quite a look you got there on your face, Kevin."

"Oh, really?"

"Care to tell me what you're thinking?" Well, if it's going to happen, let it happen now. I shake my head, but lean in and press my lips against hers, pulling the tie out of her ponytail as I do, letting the stands of her hair slip through my fingers. I pull my head back and smile slowly, pressing my lips together. "Hmmm." She smiles at me. "Good thought."

"I've got others."


Nick

Rachel keeps telling me I shouldn't worry, but it's been hours and there's no sign of Kevin. She also pointed out that there's no sign of Erin either, and her car is there. I know. I've gone past to check.

"Let them have their fling, baby," she tells me with a giggle. "Why do you think I gave her the day off? Maybe she can occupy his mind for a bit and stop him from thinking so much."

Maybe he can stop thinking so much, but that doesn't mean I'm not concerned. Confused, too. Rachel touches my face and slips into my lap, kissing me gently. "Let him have a few hours to himself, Nick. He needs to have a few hours to himself to just…"

"Live?" I offer. She nods, smiling more. "When the hell did his life get so…complicated?"

"Betcha he asks the same question." She kisses me again and lowers her head to my shoulder, sighing comfortably. I love what we have. Not that I didn't love what we had before, but seeing Kevin makes me want to cling onto Rachel and my girls for dear life and never forget a single moment.

"He always had it all together, Rache," I say quietly, watching the sun lower beneath the tress outside our window. "I mean, whenever there was total chaos around, you looked at Kevin and he was just always calm, always rational. He always had it in perspective." She lifts her head to look at me tenderly. "Who did that for him then? Who does that for him now? Who does Kevin turn to, baby?" I bite my bottom lip and blink at her, lost. Seeing Kevin like this just makes me feel lost somehow. "I'm gonna have nightmares of Sammie screaming 'I hate you,' and that look on Kevin's face while she did it."

"She's so hurt. I was never close to Kristin, but I still can't imagine anyone I know walking away from their family. How can she look into the faces of those two darling children and turn her back? How can she not love them?"

"How can he love them enough for both?" I ask her. There's no way. There's no way I could make up the love to Josie, Lissa and Eva that Rachel gives them. Rachel and Kevin both lost their fathers years ago, and I don't think they're over that. And that was death. How do you explain the loss of a living parent?

"And what Brian said?" Her sigh is heavy as she shakes her head. "She's pregnant again? She's going to be a mother to some other child?"

"What's it going to think when it finds out it has two half sisters out there in the world that she doesn't care about? How can any of this be right?"

Almost as if to prove my point we turn our heads to the knock on the door. Rachel answers, finding a disheveled Sammie holding Annie's hand, and apparently, Annie's been crying. She's still sniffling.

Rachel kneels down and takes Annie into her arms. "Sammie made daddy leave!" Annie cries suddenly, clinging to Rachel. "He's never coming back!"

Jesus, I am not prepared for this! I open my arms out to Sammie, who slowly makes her way over and gets into my lap looking slightly guilty.

"Your daddy's coming back. He's just spending some time with Erin at her house, that's all," Rachel tells Annie softly, smoothing a hand down her blonde, pin straight hair.

"I don't want to live with mama!" Annie continues, not even hearing what she's saying. Sammie's looking at me, her eyes are a deep green and growing wider.

"You don't have to, Annie," Rachel soothes, rubbing her back and picking her up to cuddle her closer and comes to sit on the bed next to me. "He's coming home. Really, truly! You want me to call him and ask when he's coming home?"

Oh, that's just great. He finally gets a few hours to himself and he's going to get a panicked call from his girls thinking he's leaving. He'll never be out of their sight again.

"You made daddy leave!" Annie accuses Sammie, pushing her. "You did! You made him hate us like mama!"

"Annie, that's not true!" Rachel says, almost shrieking in her objection. "Your mommy does not hate you!"

"She does!" Annie buries her face into Rachel's shoulder. "She doesn't want us anymore and now Sammie made daddy leave! I want my daddy!"

This, somehow, has turned into panic. Sammie got her face turned down and her head against my chest. It's only when I hear her sniffle that I figure out she's crying too, but I can't be sure if it's because she's scared and thinks this is true, or if it's because she made Annie cry.

"Daddy's never left us without saying good-bye," Annie's whining to Rachel. "He didn't say good-bye!"

"That's because he didn't leave you, darling," Rachel says. "He's only down the driveway a bit. I'll go call him and ask him to come home, okay? You want me to call him?" She nods emphatically, sniffling at her, her bottom lip pouting out. I reach my arm out to have Rachel put Annie next to me and she picks up the phone, pressing a speed dial button.

All I can do is kiss both of their cheeks and wipe some of the tears away in an attempt to soothe them. Annie hiccups she's been crying so hard, but Sammie's just sitting on my lap looking petrified. Maybe she won't wish he'd leave again having the real fear of it happening?

"Hi, Erin…can I talk to Kevin a second?" She smiles, reaching out to touch Sammie's cheek tenderly. "Hey, Kev? No, everything is fine, but Annie would like you to come tuck her into bed. It's past their bedtime and she's been asking for you." That's one way to put it…at least he won't panic until he gets here and sees the state they're in. "Okay. See you soon." She hangs up and Annie scrambles into her lap, clinging to her again. "He's coming right back," she says, smoothing her hair. "Why don't we go wash your faces and blow your nose?"

Damage control. She's good, my Rache, calmed Annie down by giving her what she needed, and hopefully calming Kevin's reaction so he doesn't have to freak when he sees them. Annie's still hiccupping, but she lets Rachel put her down and takes her hand. Rachel reaches out for Sammie's good hand, but Sammie doesn't budge from my lap. She just shakes her head against me and seems to curl up closer.

I look up to Rachel and nod, closing my eyes quickly to let her know that I'll, somehow, take care of this one. Not that I have the slightest clue how, or what to say, but she's calm at least and found comfort. I don't want to disturb that for her.

"Come on, baby," Rachel says to Annie and heads towards the bathroom, looking over her shoulder at me before disappearing.

"What's up, Sammie?" I ask quietly, tightening an arm around her waist, trying to keep this light. "You know Annie didn't mean any of that, right? She's just little and got scared." She lifts a shoulder in a slight shrug and I pull back and dip my chin to look her in the eye, making sure she's looking back at me. "Your dad knows you're sad about your mom. Is that what's bothering you? What you said?"

"He did leave," she says, lifting her head slightly and her eyes widen slightly more. "Annie's right. He never left before without telling us."

"That's because he knew you had your Uncle Brian and Aunt LeighAnne, your Uncle Howie and Aunt Eileen, me, and Aunt Rachel, and Uncle AJ…dang, baby, you have all these aunts and uncles around, he probably thought you wouldn't even miss him! We were here to watch you, so he went out and visited with Erin down the road. He probably didn't even realize he was gone that long."

I'm only getting a doubtful stare in response.

"Sammie," I try again, "you trust me, right? Even a little bit?" She nods slowly. "Okay, so what I'm gonna tell you is the God's honest truth, baby. I wouldn't lie about stuff like this. Ever. Your dad? He loves you, and your sister, more than anything in the entire world. There is nothing on the face of this entire world that would make him change his mind. You could say all sorts of things to him, but he's still gonna love you. Know why I know this? I'm a dad too. And there's nothing in the world that would make me stop loving Josie, Lissa and Eva. Ever. Nothing."

"Mama doesn't love us."

Goddamn! How the hell do I answer that?

"I think she does." I do too. Kristin might be screwed up, but she's not heartless. She loves them in some way. "I think, maybe, your mom can't love you enough, so she's gonna let your dad love you enough for both of them."

That's good, isn't it? That's not too much of a stretch. Whatever it was, she seems to be looking at me, trying to decide whether or not she wants to believe me. I am getting a whole new perspective on what Kevin has to put up with on a day-to-day basis, and geez, no wonder he's spent. She's his kid, all right. There's nothing she doesn't think over before making up her mind.

I wrap both my arms around her and squeezing her as tightly as I dare, not wanting to squeeze her cast too tightly. I pull back and offer her the best smile I can. "Would I lie?" I smile at her, hoping to show her she can trust me.

And all this time I thought trust was something inherent in children. She doesn't trust a single thing, and part of me is enraged at Kristin because I know she took that away from her.

"Come on, now, do you think that I'd lie to you?" I tease her a little, poke her in the ribs a bit, just to coax a small smile out. She shakes her head, barely and looks down to the floor. I lift her chin with my finger and lift my eyebrows at her. "I wouldn't lie to you, Samantha," I say with a shake of my head.

"There now," Rachel appears in the room with Annie dressed in her pajama's with her face freshly scrubbed. She gives me one of the sweetest, warmest smiles I've ever seen, and I know she's heard some of what I've said. At least Annie wanted to believe me. I think Sammie wants to, but like I said, she's Kevin's kid and she's going to have to think about it before making up her mind.

Kevin

I peek my head around the corner and see Annie and Sammie on either side of Rachel as she reads to them. The last time Sammie wanted a story read to her was ages ago. Whenever I suggest it, she rolls her eyes at me and says she can read by herself.

Then again, it wasn't Sammie that was asking for me, it was Annie and when she sees me, the book is tossed aside, she's out from under the blanket and screaming my name in excitement. I wasn't quite expecting that kind of reaction, or the tightness of her arms around my neck. "Where were you?" she begs me.

"Just out," I laugh, mostly out of shock.

"See? I told you," Rachel says cheerfully, getting out of the bed. "He was just visiting Erin down the drive." She looks at me, and I know there is so much more to this story…

"Yeah, Aunt Rachel's right. I was with Erin," I agree, holding her tightly.

She steps back and puts her hands on her hips. I'm in for it now. She's going to lecture. The hand on the hips thing is something she learned from Kristin. "You didn't tell us where you were going," she scowls at me. "And we're not allowed to go out without telling you."

I drop my chin. "You're right. I should have told you I was going out. I'm sorry, baby." I look up to her and tilt my head slightly. "I'm really sorry."

She knits her eyebrows together and tilts her head in the opposite direction before wagging a finger at me. "Don't do it again."

"Promise," I say quickly.

Sammie moves off the bed, looking at me in some way I've never seen her look at me before. I'm expecting some kind of comment, and I can see her wanting to say it. Instead, she just walks past me and heads to the room she's staying in and closes the door with one last look.

Once I tuck Annie in and finish the story, I check in on Sammie, but she's already asleep. The rest of the house is quiet and I stick my head into Nick and Rachel's room, thank them and say goodnight. I've had enough of this day and I'm more than ready to let it finally end, even though I know there's more to that phone call and asking me to come back. It'll have to wait until tomorrow, though. There's only so much one man can take in a day.


Nick

I hear squealing laughter from the other room, and it just seems to get louder until AJ appears in the kitchen the following morning. He really should have had little girls, only because he's just so dang good with them. His boys are with Sarah and he's really hands-on with them in LA, but I think even he wanted little girls. They're easier for him.

He looks around the room with a cheerful smile and sits at the table next to Rachel, leaning over to kiss her cheek. "Good morning, Honey. What's for breakfast, Pumpkin?" He turns to look at me. "Oh, damn, you're still with this guy?"

"Once she got a taste of that Carter lovin' there was no goin' back!" I crow proudly. "You'd think he's figure it out by now, Rache."

She lifts an eyebrow at me doubtfully. "I wouldn't get so cocky there, baby. I'm kinda diggin' the new carpeting." She reaches over and tousles his hair with a laugh.

"Aw, man! That's just uncalled for! No tact, baby!"

"And that's why I love her," I interject with a giggle. "Dude! You didn't think you'd get by without us noticing!"

"I think he's been saving up all mine and storing it," Howie says, coming into the kitchen. "Erin let me in." He points to the hallway and we hear the girls call her name excitedly. Howie's alone and comes in to get some juice. Eileen flew up to Orlando to check out some new band. All that sleek, hip, pop on the radio these days is brought you by SHD, Inc, Howie's business, and produced by our very own AJ, and the Christian Rock is brought to you by him, too, with a lot of it produced by BriLeigh. Leave it to Howie to notice the growing market in the Industry and take his stock in it.

"I'll have you know this is all mine! They take it…"

"Save it, dude," I laugh, putting a hand up. "It's freaky."

He snickers, dropping his chin down onto Eileen's shoulder. "Trouble. You were trouble from the start!"

"I said the same exact thing about y'all fifteen years ago," Brian says coming into the room. "I think it's a good sign." We settle in the living room, drinking coffee and picking on muffins. "Sleeping Beauty catching up on his beauty rest?" Brian asks awhile later. "For an old man, he's…"

"He's sleeping," Rachel interrupts, widening her eyes at Brian trying to warn him to shut up.

He clasps his hand over his mouth and bursts into giggle. "Dang!" he whispers. "Love 'em and leave 'em, Kev is still in the back of my head. Who knew?"

"The Kev we know and love is still in there," AJ says confidently, still keeping his voice sorta low. "He's stuck in the back of our heads too."

"Along with a few other things," I pipe up. I feel a little better knowing Kevin went off on AJ too, and I look at him feeling a little reassurance.

"Yeah, well, there's a few things I wouldn't mind forgetting." Howie tugs at his jeans uncomfortably and shifts in the chair.

I look at AJ, who doesn't seem surprised by his comment. "Howie and I had a talk the other day." He and Howie exchange looks and AJ nods slightly. "I'm going to take a shot in the dark here, but Bri? Did you wonder what was going on with Kevin before he left LA? That he was acting weird towards you, or anything?"

"Well," he hesitates, "he was acting weird..."

AJ sits back and nods. "Let me guess, he blew you off too?" Brian nods and AJ shifts again, looking around to us. "Nicky didn't know that he bitched me out, although not quite to the point he did with him. I didn't know he bitched Howie out."

"They were all weird, separate instances, but they all managed to disarm us enough to question it," Howie finishes.

"And piss us off, or scare us enough in Nicky's case, to not push it," AJ says sadly. "This went back quite a ways, fellas."

Brian drops back into the couch. He seems almost lost without LeighAnne by his side to soften life's blows, but she flew back to Atlanta yesterday to spend some time with her sister. Brian stayed after seeing Kevin and his nieces. After I explain what happened last night with Annie, Brian's face falls just a little more in concern.

Before we can go any further, we're interrupted by the Mini-Kev. "Where's dad?"

"I, uh, think he's still sleeping, Darlin'. What's up?" Brian says, stretching his arm out to her. She goes across and settles next to him, glancing to me before looking at him.

"Well, he needs to, um, tell someone that I'm old enough to take care of myself and Annie and we don't need her sticking her nose in."

"Erin?" Brian guesses. She nods and sighs deeply. "Darlin', Erin's here to take care of Josie, Lissa and Eva, not you. But while you're here, she just wants to include y'all."

"Well, she doesn't have to. And she can't tell us what to do," she adds quickly. "Stop her from telling us what to do."

"Like what?"

She rolls her eyes and tilts her head. "Like…everything. I don't have to play her stupid games. She broke my arm, you know."

"Samantha, you broke your arm by accident," Brian says, looking at her sternly. "That wasn't anyone's fault. It just happened."

She tightens her lips together, and I get the feeling she's on the verge of having a tantrum, but instead, she turns them in and tears fill her eyes. "I don't need a babysitter," she whispers. "I'm old enough to take care of us."

Now that's telling, isn't it? I swear the blood has drained out of her face and she's blinking at Brian, without breathing. Or maybe that's just me.

"Sammie?" Erin comes into the room with a smile. "Where'd you go, munchkin?"

"See?" She opens her arm out to Erin and pouts. "I can't do anything! She follows me!"

"Give us a minute, Erin, will you?" I say with a smile, looking over my shoulder to her. Erin looks positively mortified. I can virtually see the thoughts racing through her mind when she looks around the room. We all know what happened between her and Kevin, and she knows we know what happened. She knows Sammie knows something happened, now, and I think she's looking at us to see just how much she might know.

"Erin!" That's Josie's scream and it couldn't be more on time if I tried. She smiles awkwardly and disappears. Poor thing, that's gotta be awkward, but maybe no one else notices.

AJ snickers and sits back, trying to hold his giggles.

Okay, so we noticed. Maybe…outside of AJ…we can handle this tactfully.

"She's not following you, Erin. She just wants to make sure you're included so you can have some fun," Brian says, trying hard not to laugh. "She's just tryin' to be your friend." Sammie's not happy about that option either and scowls. "Aw, come on, she's nice!" He nudges her and smiles, squeezing her against him. Again, Sammie doesn't like the answer. "Okay, well…be nice anyway, Samantha." His voice lost the tease and playfulness and he looks at her. "You're a big girl. I know you can handle it. And if you can't? Be nice anyway."

Kevin

Sammie comes stomping down the hallway, full scowl, and her arms crossed. "Good morning, baby," I say looking down to her.

"You can't make me!"

I blink down at her and draw back slightly. I know it's a new day. Sun goes down, sun comes up, it's another day, but it's strangely starting out as if that's not happened. "What's up, Sams?" I slide down the wall of the hallway and sit down, patting the carpet next to me for her to sit.

"I'm old enough to take care of myself," she tells me, refusing to sit down and setting her scowl deeper. "And I don't like Erin! You can't make me like her."

It's like I picked up a book and started reading from chapter five or something. "What's going on, Sammie? I don't know what you're talking about."

"She keeps telling me what to do, and she's not the boss of me. Or Annie."

"I thought you liked her?" At least, she didn't seem to have a problem a few days ago. There really should be some kind of law that says you can't handle a family crisis before your morning coffee. If I had been elected, that would have been on the books. "Why don't you like her now?"

"Duh!" She rolls her eyes at me and huffs. "She broke my arm!"

"Darlin', you fell. She didn't do anything."

"Go ahead! Take her side, why don't you!" She screams furiously and begins to storm away, but I reach for her, grabbing her hand.

I climb up on my knees and put my hands on her shoulders, attempting to keep her in place. "Sammie! I'm not taking sides. What're you talking about?"

"You can't make me like her! I won't!" She's out of my grasp and scrambles down the hallway, slamming the door behind her. Followed by a thump against it.

"Hey! You break it, you buy it!" I call down the hallway. Okay, I buy it, but she doesn't get an allowance until she's thirty.

"Go away!" she screams through the door.

"Good morning, Sunshine!" Rachel's leaning on the wall at the end of the hallway with a smile. I respond by banging my head against the wall, turning and dropping my chin to look back at her with my own weak smile. "Parenthood, ain't it great?"

"Just wait," I say, dragging myself up the wall. "Josie's not far off from being nine."

She meets up with me and puts an arm around my waist, resting her head against my arm. "Kev, I love you dearly, but I'm going to tempt fate and say, that with any luck, Josie won't be mad as hell at us to act this way when she's nine."

"I'll take that bet." I drape my arm around her shoulders and look to Sammie's door, hearing nothing, but knowing she's fuming on the other side of it. "It's a very special knack I have for ruining the lives of everyone around me, Rache." She stops dead in her tracks and looks up at me, horrified. I start walking, keeping my arm around her to bring her along with me. "I haven't had any coffee yet, Rache. Don't look so shocked."

Okay, so she's not buying that excuse, and maybe I was a little too flippant to cover my tracks. Maybe I just don't want to, who the hell knows. I'm tired. I'm tired of pretending I've got it all under control, and I'm not fooling anyone here. The whole time I've been here, I know they're all talking about me and what happened, and watching my children…

"Kevin, those girls love you," she says, appalled at my comment.

I kiss her forehead and smile. "Rache, I know that better than anyone else in this entire world. All I'm saying is…sometimes, it's not as easy as all that." I head down the stairs, feeling, somehow, better by admitting that.

Once I get a cup of coffee, I follow the voices into the family room to find the rest of the fellas and Rachel sitting around looking serious. "What's up?" I ask knowingly, taking a seat on the arm of the couch.

"They asked me what happened with Sammie," Rachel says, sinking between Nick and Brian on the couch.

Brian looks around before looking up to me. "She's not very fond of Erin, is she?"

"Yeah, funny that." I sip my coffee, watching them over the rim of the mug. "It's not that hard, guys. She doesn't like to share."

"Uh, Kev?" AJ has an odd smile on his face, seemingly nervous. "I don't know if it's really about sharing."

I nod in agreement. "That's the simple answer, Aje. Can I have my coffee before we go into the one the therapist has?"

"Therapist?" AJ questions quickly.

I snort into my mug before lowering it down. "You don't think I can't see she's not adjusting well? Come on, fellas, give me some credit, will you?"

"She's seeing a therapist?" Again, I nod casually, sipping my coffee, hoping they can't see how embarrassed and hard it is for me to admit that. My Samantha's already having problems and she's only nine years old. How much more damage am I going to do to her?

Okay, it's not just me. I'm in charge of damage control and don't seem to be able to control much. Kris, well, I'm going to give her most of the damage-done.

"Since when?" Brian asks, stunned that he hasn't heard about it yet through the family vine.

"September," I answer. "Guidance Counselor suggested she see the school therapist a few days a week to go over her…how did they put it? Her anger management issues. She's got her dad's temper, and her ma's fuse. It's not pretty sometimes." Brian is still blinking at me, and I look around the room. No one says a word. "She was doing much better up until about two weeks ago." Somehow, I feel like I should defend this. "Honestly, she's not usually this…cranky. She just got some news she's not too happy about."

"Kris being pregnant?" Howie asks.

I immediately look at Brian and lift my eyebrow in question. "I thought they knew, Kev," he says guiltily. "Sorry."

"Yeah, about Kris being pregnant." I don't care that the coffee is scalding my tongue and throat as it goes down. It's giving me the excuse to pretend that I'm okay with all this, and that I'm handling it all. I mean, Sammie is seeing a therapist and we were handling it okay. "She was on the extension when Kris said she wanted to leave her past in the past and this baby was offering her a new future. She wanted the girls to stay with me, because I can offer them the most stability." I snort into the mug again, this time at my own comment. "Can you believe that one?" No one says anything, and after a minute, I'm more than uncomfortable with being stared at, so I drain my mug and shrug, leaving the room as quickly as I can without making it look like I'd rather be in the dentist's chair.


Nick

"Mornin', Kev," AJ says in quiet sarcasm, dropping back into the chair. "That's one hell of a way to start your day, isn't it?"

Rachel puts her head on my shoulder and curls up her legs. "You didn't hear him upstairs." Her voice sounds so sad that I have to wrap my arm around her. "He's taking a lot of blame here, and I really don't think it's fair."

"She's nine," Brian says. "Who else is she going to blame when he's the only one around?"

Rachel lifts her head and looks at Brian before looking around at everyone else singly. "He said he has a special knack for ruining the lives of the people around him." She gives us each another look. "I don't think he was referring only to his kids, boys." Her head drops back down on my shoulder and we're all just sitting around considering what she just said.

If I didn't know Kevin better, I'd think he was feeling sorry for himself or something. But she said Kevin said that. Kevin doesn't take pity on anyone, feel sorry for anyone…give up like that. Which leads me to believe that maybe it's not pity, but just plain belief. And my head spins in a whole other direction. How the hell can he believe he's ruined anyone's life? Hell, from the moment I met him, all he's done was try to make everyone's life better; even if it was just for the length of a song, or the length of a smile. No one tried harder to give back than Kevin did. Working at Disney when I met him, all he talked about were the kids and how cool it was when they got all excited to meet their cartoon hero's. I mean…no one tried harder to make us give back either, than Kevin. He was always reminding us of who we needed to thank for the opportunities we had. And the foundation…what the hell is the foundation all about if it's not about making things better for others? He didn't go back to Kentucky because he wanted to. He would have stayed in LA longer if his mother didn't get sick like she did. He went back there to help her. And running for office? That wasn't so he could get his own ego trip. That was a true belief that he could do something more.

I don't think I've ever really seen Kevin do anything for a selfish reason. Like…ever.

"That's just fucked up," AJ says for all of us. We're all having the same thoughts apparently.

"That's what he said," Rachel answers. "Then tried to brush it off, but I don't know. I'm not sure if maybe we should be a little concerned."

"We've been concerned since he came and was polite, Rache," I tell her. "It's been weird all along, but we're not getting the full story. We're only getting bits and pieces when he slips up and actually admits the truth to us when he's not thinking about trying to make it look like it's all going great."

"Well, at least he's not pushing us away and telling us to go put our concerns into some sappy, Backstreet B-Side," Howie says.

"Howard!" I look over at him in shock. That's way too sarcastic for Howie, but then it dawns on me. "Oh, wait…that's what he said to you?"

Howie nods, shifting in the chair. "Kinda had a feeling he was a little frustrated with Backstreet at the time."

"Gee, ya think?" AJ scoffs.

"Maybe he wants to talk to us this time," Howie says looking hopeful.

"Or knows he can't get out of it," AJ suggests.

"Guys, he's not going over the edge." Brian sits up and picks up his coffee mug. "He's tense an' all, but he's still in control." He's right. He's tense and uncomfortable, but he is holding it all together, and Howie's right, because he's not really pushing us away. We're seeing into what he's dealing with, but he's not attacking us because of it. Maybe we're all just letting our own nerves show, scared the same thing might happen now that we finally have, well, at least part of him, back. "Give him some breathing room."

We kinda have no choice but to do what he says. He'd know better than any of us how to deal with him considering he was the one that dealt with him when he really was over the edge.

"I know what you're sayin', Rok," AJ starts, "but when do we step in so it doesn't get like it did last time?"

"It won't get like it did," Brian answers. "He won't let himself do that to his mom or family again, especially to those girls."

"It's not like he had a choice last time, though, either," Howie says.

Brian shakes his head, disagreeing. "He didn't, no, but he's not even close to having the same things going on in his life. I admit, he's acting kinda weird, but this isn't something new. This is more like he's still cleaning up the mess from last time with y'all. He's just trying to figure out what he's supposed to say, I think."

"This is still from back then?" I know AJ is having problems with all of this. We all want our Kevin back, but I think he missed him more than the rest of us, maybe hurt the most by him than the rest of us. He's looking between me and Brian, and then looks through the archway towards where Kevin went. "Dudes…what the heck happened that day? I know he attacked Nicky, but what happened? How was he when you got there?"

"Drunk," Brian answers. "Drunk and exhausted." That's not the answer AJ's looking for, and I have to admit, I'm more than a little interested too. I never had the guts to ask for the details before, mainly because I still feel bad leaving him to take care of it. "What, Aje?" Brian snaps mildly annoyed. "What do you want me to say?"

"How bad was it?" he asks. "All I've got to go by is what my imagination is telling me, and I've got a pretty active imagination."

"It was bad, dude. I don't know what more to say." He shrugs lightly and sits back.

"He wasn't coherent when I bailed," I say, trying to fill in some of the blanks for AJ. Kevin was on the floor, leaning his head on his arms with his arms on his knees and whatever he was saying was slurred with alcohol and tears, and muffled. When I look over at Brian, I know what he means. There's no way you can accurately describe that scene without having seen it.

Brian looks over at me, his own confusion and concern in his face. "Nicky, you didn't bail."

It's my turn to scoff and I shake my head. "The hell I didn't."

"Kris told me you stayed with her and helped clean up the room, though."

"As soon as the sharp edges were cleared away, and the big mess was cleaned up, I left, Brian. I didn't stick around to help you. I didn't stick around to help him."

"You took the major brunt of it, Nicky. It was pretty much over by the time I got there." He scans our faces. "He wasn't fighting when I got there. All I had to do was help him get into the car and drive to the hospital."

"No small feat," I mutter, instinctively reaching out for Rachel's hand. "He wasn't budging off the floor when I was there."

"He was a littler calmer by then, I guess," Brian says and we're basically forgetting that AJ and Howie are even here, much less Kevin being in the other room. "He didn't put up much of a fight."

"Well, that, or he knew he couldn't take you," AJ suggests, lightening up the tension in his own, weird way. "I guess Nicky looks less intimidating."

"I think he was more pissed off at me than Brian," I say, not feeling anything lighten up. "Being the 'Golden Child' and all that."

Brian puts his feet up on the coffee table and gets more comfortable. I suppose we're going to have this conversation after all, in spite of Kevin being able to walk in at any moment. Maybe because he can…who knows? "Kevin has no right bitching about someone being the Golden Child considering he was one all his life."

"Not all, Brian," Howie disagrees. "I'll give you a pretty idyllic childhood, but he had one hell of a blow when his father died."

"Don't forget Lou screwing us over," AJ adds with a lift of his finger and tilt of his head. "Treating him like a son…acting like the father he lost, only with a knife in his back the whole time. That was a blow too."

"All our backs, Aje," Howie corrects him, looking at me a bit sheepishly. I don't even know what to say to them anymore. I had a different contract. They all know that.

"Yeah, but you have your father. Hell, even mine is alive. We weren't looking to fill a fresh void when Lou came along. As usual, his timing was perfect, the fat bastard."

"He also met Kristin just after Beth breaking things off with him," Brian says.

Kevin

Part of me is finding this all amusing in one of those backward sorta ways. Standing here, listening to them dissect my life and trying to pin point and figure out when it all went wrong when I snapped. I should go in there and ask them to tell me when they find it. I should also go in there and at least give them some insight.

Instead, I leave them guessing and go upstairs to see what kind of damage Sammie's managed to do. Maybe I can also figure out what happened last night, and this morning. Maybe she's calmed down enough to not throw another fit and want me around. I'm not expecting any miracles, but she doesn't scream when I knock on the door and stick my head in the room. She's sitting in the middle of the bed with her new computer game intently. She doesn't even glance up.

"Hey, who's winning? You, or the frog?" I ask. It's the latest game…man, give me a PlayStation and I know what to do…these new hand held things just don't fit in these hands.

"I am," she answers, not looking up, punching more buttons.

Okay, still no tantrum…that's a good sign. Not that she's even letting me register on her radar screen, either. My ma warned me that these things drained them of their interactive and communicative skills.

"How about the arm? How's that today?" I sit on the side of the bed and look over her shoulder, watching some 3-D frog hop across the game screen.

I barely get a shrug. "Fine."

I place my hand on her shoulder, attempting to get her attention. "Let's go do something." Okay, that got a reaction. A dull stare and lift of a single eyebrow…but it's a reaction. "Come on…just you and me." This time, I drape my arm around her shoulder and get another dull stare and lift of a single eyebrow. She almost got it patented, I think. "At least take a walk with me."

"Do I have to?"

"Yeah." I nod with a slight shake of my head. "It's a nice day out."

"It's cloudy."

"It's Florida, cloudy means cooler than it's been." I stand up and take the game out of her hands. "Come on, we've been here four days and I haven't had you to myself at all."

"No," she grumbles, sliding off the bed, "that's why it's been so fun until now." She stomps off ahead of me and I catch up with her on the stairs and follow her outside.

"So, what's been fun?" I put my hand on her shoulder and lead her out into the yard slowly.

She shrugs, looking to her feet. "I don't know."

"Well, what all have you been doing?"

"Stuff."

I should know better than trying to be the nice guy. She's pissed at me. I'm not the nice guy and I need to go a different route. "Want to tell me what's going on, Sam?" Probably not…but that doesn't mean I have the option not to ask.

"Nothing."

I put my arm around her shoulder and slow the pace down. We can race around this yard, but I'm more determined and have a heck of a lot more patience than she does after years of practice. She has a crush on Nick…I lived with him…and AJ, and Howie, and Brian, several management staff, label reps, hotel and flight attendants… The list goes on. I have patience and we don't need to be out of breath sprinting circles around this yard before she answers me, although if that's what it take…. "Sams? There's an attitude problem here, and you know it. What's causing it?" There's another shrug of a response. "Baby…"

"I'm not a baby," she corrects me sharply, glaring at me. "Annie's a baby."

"What's Annie doing? Is she doing something that bothers you?"

"No. Can we go inside now?"

"Not yet," I say, fitting my hand to the back of her head and letting it slide down her dark, brown ponytail. She pulls her head forward, making sure it's out of my grasp faster and scowls at me. "Sammie, I know there's something going on. Why won't you tell me?"

"You won't care. You're too busy off kissing Erin."

Oh, shit…what did she see? "Who told you that?"

Her eyes roll and she drops her chin. "Duh! Why else would you be with her?"

"She's a nice person, Sammie."

"Whatever." She kicks the grass and exhales audibly. I know she wants to fold her arms, but the cast makes that uncomfortable and she's not sure what to do with her good arm. "Miss Glenda is nice, but you don't go off and kiss her."

Miss Glenda is her teacher, and we know each other through school events and PTA. She's a nice woman…but I'm not attracted to her. Shit…I don't have to explain that, do I? "She's nice, sure…"

"But she's not your type, right?" she asks, sarcastically, tilting her head to emphasize the sarcasm.

Where the hell does she learn these things? What the hell else is she being told? By whom? Chill out, Kev. You learned the same shit at her age, the same way is. Kids are curious, and kids talk, and kids think they know all the answers.

"I'm not attracted to her in that way, no." May as well be honest, right? She'd know if I was lying anyway. "And, if I ever find someone that I am attracted to in that way, would it be that bad?"

"I don't care," she grumbles.

"Then why the attitude about it?"

She pulls away from me until my hand slides off her shoulder, out of reach. "I said I don't care."

"Sammie, is there anything that you do care about?" I ask in exasperation, stopping as she takes a few steps ahead.

"Can I go inside now?" she asks, turning to me with the same exasperated expression, her dark green eyes penetrating mine with impatience.

I nod my head and close my eyes. "Go ahead." I turn around and watch her stomp off, clasping my hands behind my neck in helplessness. She's so angry, and I don't know what at, or what to do about it. In the distance, I can hear the water and close my eyes, trying to let the rhythmic sound soothe my whirling head, but all I do is hear my own thoughts…'I don't know what to do…I don't know what to do…'

By the time I make my way inside, everyone's in the TV room and I hear our voices, and our music, and I stop. I haven't heard us in a long time, and there are clips, with interviews. When I look at the screen I recognize it immediately. 'Around The World With the Backstreet Boys'. Holy shit…

"Daddy, look!" Annie jumps up and grabs my hand, pulling me into the room. I can barely breathe, face to face with us and us. "Uncle AJ has blue hair!"

"Yeah…" I say, feeling my mouth dry out. "I remember." And I do…dear God, I do.

"And your hair is long like a girl!" Annie chirps, flopping down and pulling me down to the ground with her.

"The girls asked to see it, Kev," Nicky tells me, tapping my shoulder from the couch behind. "They said they never saw it."

"They haven't," I tell him, turning to look over my shoulder at him, feeling my heart against my chest. It doesn't seem real seeing this. I was there. I experienced this, and I don't feel like it's real.

"Why is she crying, daddy?" She starts, but stops and blinks at the screen when we start singing 'Shape of My Heart' acapella. Her little forehead furrows and she looks at the fellas and me. "Why do you wave to them, daddy? Do you know all those people?"

"No, darlin', they liked the group," Brian says, chuckling at her confusion. "They came out to see us."

She looks back to the screen, watching us on stage in Tokyo. "Why don't you sing anymore, daddy? If everyone liked you so much?"

"They like Uncle Nick more than daddy," Sammie says. I look over to her, and she's looking at me in a way I've never quite seen her look at me. I think she knew we were famous because she's been told we were, but this here is proof, and she's never had proof before. She's either pissed that I'm not popular anymore, or pissed that this exists and she can't deny that we were a big deal.

"But I don't understand why everyone is screaming," Annie says.

"Neither do we, kiddo," AJ laughs. "And wait, they get even more silly later on."

"They're screaming because these boys are hot, Annie," Rachel giggles, dropping into Nick's lap and kissing him.

"Hot?" Josie asks, turning to look at her parents.

"Very." Rachel nods.

"Who're those people with them?" Josie asks.

"Body guards, honey," Nicky answers. "They made sure we were able to get in and out of the places we needed to be."

"But why?" Annie asks.

"Sometimes the girls would want to hold onto us and they would make sure the girls let go," Nicky says.

"Sometimes, they made sure they didn't," AJ adds with a laugh.

"Daddy! You're petting a big cat!" Annie squeals excitedly. She's got that environmental gene, my Annie. She loves anything that has to do with water and animals.

There's a segment of me in the car, talking about the Blue Angels and puking twice, trying to figure out the phenomenon. I still can't explain it, or figure it out. But this here is proof that it really was as out of hand as I remember it being. And this is the clean version. There's another version out there that was a little more like us, more natural.

"Dawg, you are tired there, man," AJ giggles.

I was tired. I didn't know where we were, or what time it was. Sleep was something we were catching up to, and Cape Town was like, our 4th stop. The press conference was long and we were getting tired of answering the same questions by then.

And then came Rio… Dang!

"This is where it starts getting silly, baby," AJ tells Annie.

"I was fuckin' petrified," AJ says, clamping a hand over his mouth. "Oh, shit…I…Whoops. Sorry."

"Look at us! We were all petrified!" Brian exclaims.

"And then they screwed up the entrance…" Howie says, shaking his head. "Man, I was scared to get out of that bus."

"I thought we were dead," Nick says dryly. "I thought for sure that crowd was gonna surge."

"Yeah, and the 'good luck, dudes' as we were getting off didn't help any," Brian laughs.

"I was never so glad to get inside a hotel in my life," I add, shaking my head at the insanity on the screen.

There's a wide shot of the crowd and Annie's eyes widen. "Are those people?"

"Yup," AJ answers her, and we all grow quiet. I'm sure we were all remembering the emotions and adrenaline pumping through our bodies at that moment.

"Off the hook, off the hook…completely off the damn chain…" The young AJ says, and that pretty much is the only way to explain it. It was completely off the damn chain.

"Now that there is the epitome of rock star, dawg!" Nick laughs, patting my shoulder, as my image crosses the screen in a long black leather coat and sunglasses, hair blowing all over. "Dude, that was stylin'!"

And here it is…the part I was afraid of. 'Shape of My Heart' in bits and pieces of performance footage spliced together, and it all comes back in such a wave, I don't think I can keep it together. I feel like someone's about to announce 'Kevin Richardson, this is your life!' but they won't have to. It's all right there…the laughter, the nonsense we laughed about with when we were over tired, the snapping when we were beyond that, the love of the fans, the love of the music, and seeing all five of us with our arms locked around each other, the love we had for each other.

The entire room is silent watching, and I don't dare look at anyone. We know what we're all thinking, it's all the same thoughts, the same memories, and I'm definitely going to start crying if anyone says a word.

"Why don't you sing anymore, daddy?" Annie asks in her curious, not understanding tone.

"Because daddy's an idiot," Sammie answers her and everyone turns to look at her. "That's what mama said," she says defensively, defiantly looking back at everyone else knowing we wouldn't argue with that.

"Well, your mama isn't right on this one, Sammie," AJ tells her, leaning forward. "Sorry, babe, but she's just not."

"But I don't understand why," Annie asks again, placing her tiny hand on my arm and looking up at me.

"Because…" why? "It wasn't about the music anymore, darlin'," I answer, making sure I look at either her or the TV screen. And the screen is now blue.

"She's never seen all these, Kev?" Nick asks, and I shake my head with a slight lift of my shoulder. "Well, dang, we have to catch you up, Annie-Fannie! We have some really funny things of your dad. Really old stuff of your dad."

"Oh, no," I groan, attempting to assert this one. "They don't have respect for me now, you're not going to give them anymore…"

"Out voted," Howie chimes in. "Get out the video collection, Nicky. We'll start 'em out slow." He slides across the couch, closer to Sammie and wraps an arm around her shoulders. "Did you know your dad was like, the best dancer?" Sammie turns and looks at Howie in complete doubt and disbelief. "Hey, I'm not kidding. You'll see."

"He was smoooothe, baby." AJ chuckles, winking at me. "He didn't learn the dances as fast as I did, but once he knew them, he could perform them better than any of us. Ain't that right, Kev?"

"Daddy can dance?" Annie chirps excitedly. "Show us!"

"I don't remember how…" I attempt to back out of that one. I so don't need to make a fool of myself right now.

"We'll refresh your memory with this," Nicky says, sticking something else into the player. I'm petrified of what it might be next. I can feel myself cringe, but the room cackles loudly as babyface Nicky pulls bleached blond hair out of his face at sixteen…? Fifteen?

"Is that Uncle Nick?" Sammie asks in shock, moving to the edge of the couch.

"Try and tell Uncle AJ and Uncle Howie apart," Brian giggles, falling into AJ's shoulder.

Annie looks up at me and furrows her eyebrows. "What's wrong with your hair, daddy?" The rest of the room bursts into loud laughter, AJ pointing at me in his howling.

"Uncle AJ, why are you wearing sunglasses when it's raining?" Josie asks.

"We're not allowed to play in the rain," Annie says to Josie in all seriousness.

"Me too." Josie nods, also serious.

"Is that Aunt LeighAnne?" Sammie asks in the next video.

"This is where we met, honey," Brian says with that goofy smile he gets when he remembers that day. Somehow, the bit about her hitting on me has gotten lost in the years.

"This is the day when I met the rest of my life," AJ teases, fluttering his eyelashes and leaning towards Brian adoringly. Brian reaches out and slugs him with a laugh, and although the rest of us laugh, the girls are just confused. Nicky's kids have seen the videos, but I don't think they've ever watched them with the rest of the fellas in the room. They don't know all the back stories either.

I look over and Rachel is sitting on the arm of the couch next to Nick with a warm smile, chuckling along with us. She at least knows the stories. Erin's come into the room with Lissa and sits in front of Nick, letting Lissa play with some blocks to keep her little toddler mind occupied. She's still too young to quite understand, and I don't think she recognizes 'daddy' in these. Hell, I barely can looking between the two.

"Here we go," AJ grins once the video changes. "You gonna do it, dawg?" He leans over and nudges me, lifting his eyebrows at me before looking around the room. "Tell me you forgot this?"

'Everybody'…like I still couldn't do these dang steps in my friggin' sleep!

"What's on your face, daddy?" Annie asks.

"Make-up, darlin'." I grin down at her, attempting to avoid the question.

AJ stands up, clapping his hands. "Come on, fellas!" He's calling us to arms and I'm slow to get up, but have no choice. Howie's tugging my one arm and Nicky's tugging the other while AJ and Brian push the couch out of the way.

"This is gonna be a total disaster," Howie predicts in giggles as we playfully shove one another around to get into our places.

The song breaks down and we're all still giggling, looking at each other. I feel like an idiot for some reason, but AJ does the count and off we go. I can still do the steps in my sleep and as I hear the music my feet and body automatically move without me thinking too hard.

"I'm never gonna make that turn!" Howie howls in laughter, but somehow, the rest of us manage to get down and stick our leg out, leaning on our hand, and we're up and turning, arms out like Frankenstein, lean, back, lean, and turn, hands, feet, hands, feet…seven…eight…turn and slide, down and rope…row, row, up and pose…. "Alright!"

Rachel, Erin, Annie and Josie all clap, and Lissa joins in when she sees everyone else doing it. Sammie's watching me, and I'm convinced I've stunned her. I shouldn't, but I almost feel smug about it, proving at least one thing to her. Daddy was in the Backstreet Boys.

"That was almost perfect!" Rachel squeals, laughing and wrapping her arms around Nick's neck. "My God! That was almost friggin' perfect!"

AJ pretends to polish his nails on his shirt smugly. "We're pro's, babe," he crows before busting into a laugh.

"Howie, man, did you hurt something?" Brian asks, knocking into him. It feels as if we've all caught a buzz with just a few simple dance steps. Ancient dance steps at that, but it doesn't matter. We've captured a bit of that past we've been talking about, and it's been made real ten years after the fact.

Before we're paying attention to the screen again, we're at the chorus of 'I'll Never Break Your Heart' and without even thinking, we all find the notes and start singing along. We haven't sat down and automatically find ourselves in the group circle, watching and listening to one another to keep in tune. I had grown so fucking sick of this song, I didn't care if we never sang it again, but hearing AJ in my ear, and Brian on the other side of me, seeing Howie and Nick with their arms on each others shoulders… I'm starting to ask myself why I'm no longer singing with them anymore.

Nick

It's getting late and I can't seem to shake the past we've been watching most of the day. The good past, even if it's something I hardly ever think about anymore with my family and my solo thing, and Rachel's career.

Kevin's out on the patio, sitting at the table, slouched in the chair. "You okay?" The rest come out with me and I have to chuckle. We travel in packs, huh? When we're all together, one of us is rarely able to be alone.

Kevin gives us a slight smile and nods slightly. "Yeah, fine."

"Sammie said you were out here, dawg," AJ tells him, grinning impishly as he sits next to Kevin. "Although she did mention something about you probably kissing Erin." He glances around. "She run into the bushes or something?"

"She's home, dawg." He sighs at him. "I'm out here by myself."

"She's not too excited about Erin, is she?" Brian asks, taking a seat. He's smiling, but there's no amusement, just a knowing smile.

I know that look. It's one of those looks parents get when they're confused and don't really have the words to explain what's going on. "She's a good kid, Kevin."

"She is. I know that. But she's so angry, Nicky, and I can't figure out how to make anything right for her." His eyes scan past me, back towards the water and my heart goes out to him. There's still that part of him trying so hard to make sure the people he loves are all safe.

"You may not want me to, but if you want me to try talking to her…"

Kevin looks back at me and the same smile appears. "Someone else may have better luck with her. She's not pleased about me hanging out with Erin."

"Kev? When was the last time you were out on a date?" Howie asks curiously and AJ leans back.

"Dude, careful of that question," he teases, play-punching Kevin's shoulder.

This time Kevin busts up laughing and places a hand on AJ's shoulder. "A date? I haven't had time to even think about that; working full time, full-time/single parent? Nah, there is no dating."

Well, that explains part of all this. "When do you allow time for yourself then?" Howie continues.

He shakes his head, his laugh dimming to a light chuckle. "Right now, it's not about me. There's too much."

Now I'm curious. "So, honestly, you haven't been out on a date in how long?"

"I've been out. There's plenty of functions…"

"Not what we're asking. When have you gone out not because you needed a date, but because you found someone interesting?" AJ clarifies. All Kevin does is chuckle, letting out a slight sigh, followed by a thoughtful 'uhhhh….."

And that's it. That's his answer. He doesn't even know. "Dude, that's not good." AJ shakes his head and sits back, putting his feet up on the armrest of Howie's chair next to him.

"I've been busy," he answers, and I think he's blushing! No, that is not Kevin blushing!

"That is so not good," AJ laughs in amazement.

Kevin turns and looks at him. "Well, Aje, it's not like I've had a lot of time to bust out to Vegas and marry the bartender at the Grand," he teases.

AJ smirks at him in response. "Ha. Ha."

"And he was sober!" Brian adds with his own tease. "If you fell off the wagon, we'd understand, man, but… Dang! What the heck were you thinking?"

AJ lifts his hands up to silence the teasing and looks at each of us. "You're going to make fun of me for being social, but not Kev, here, for not getting' any for how many years, dude?" Kevin giggles lightly and shakes his head again. "It's not years…is it?"

"And what was this week, y'all?" he protests, specifically eyeing AJ.

"Apparently, the end of a Richardson record," Howie mutters with his own laugh.

"Did you ever think you'd see the day?" AJ laughs with Howie, and both of them watch Kevin in total amusement. I have to admit, it is amusing.

"Dude, don't you miss it?" AJ asks incredulously.

"Sex?" Kevin questions, almost squeals. "Dude…I'm not dead! I just haven't had time to think about it all that seriously."

"I just can't believe Mr. Moves…Dude…"

"I think I'm disappointed," Howie teases.

"You?" I squeal in my own tease. "I grew up watching some kind of Master…and…and…" I wave an empty hand at him in disappointment. "This is what he turned into? Not thinking about it all that seriously? Kev!"

AJ reaches over and grabs Kevin's wrist. "Maybe he is dead," he suggests as Kevin pulls his arm away. "How old is the babysitter, man? Can't you work out some kind…thing?"

All Kevin does is laugh and sits back to watch us, attempting not to be amused, but he is. He's laughing right along with us. "I ain't gonna say I haven't enjoyed breakin' this Richardson record," he laughs.

"Now he's gonna have to wean himself off all over again," AJ laughs. He turns to look at Kevin again and shakes his head, still in disbelief.

Kevin slides down in the chair until his head rests on the top and his arms flop over the side with a groan. "Arh, that's gonna suck!"

"No, it ain't," AJ corrects him, busting into a laugh. "That's the problem!"

"Maybe you should keep it up," Howie suggests. "You know, there's nothing wrong with getting some every new millennium, Kev."

"It's not been that long!"

"How long, then?" I take my chance seeing as he brought it up an' all.

"Oh, never mind, y'all! None of you are gonna try to break it anyway so what's the point?"

"Well, he's got a point," AJ admits playfully, "but that doesn't mean we're not gonna be concerned, dude. It's wrong, man. It's not healthy. All work and no play, makes Kevin…"

"Well, Kevin," I giggle, tossing a piece of leaf in his direction. He scowls at me and hits AJ lightly.

AJ jumps back, looking at him in shock. "What's that for?"

"He's too far," he answers nonchalantly. "Can we change the subject from my sex life, now?"

"Or no-sex life, as the case may be," Brian chuckles.

"I'm curious, Kev, do you forget how to use it?" Howie asks.

AJ howls and falls over into Howie. "Even better…do the muscles get sore once you do? You know, after not being used for so long?"

I have to say that Kevin's taking all this in stride. He's busting up in laughter just like the rest of us. He's still slouched down, and his hands rest over his stomach easily. He's looking pretty calm. Maybe gettin' some this week has chilled him out a bit?

"I can't believe any-a-y'all are this interested in my sex life! Dang, fellas! There's a lotta other things in the world that are more interesting!"

"Apparently!" Howie howls, nudging AJ. "It's gonna fall off from abuse, you know!"

Kevin lifts an eyebrow at Howie in that reprimanding expression he has, only cracking us all up even more. AJ leans over into him, cupping his hand on Kevin's shoulder. "Dude, we've missed having you around!"


Kevin

"And I've missed sitting around discussing all the important things in life with y'all, Aje," I answer him, nudging his head with my hand. There is some relief because for a moment, when I saw them all come out, I thought I was getting an intervention Backstreet Style. Instead, I'm getting the usual fellas, sitting around and wasting time simply b.s.'ing. Not that I'm going to admit this to them, but this is important. Being with them, is important. "Good to know my sex life…"

"Or lack thereof…" they all interject and bust into laughter again.

"Or lack thereof," I relent, "is of such importance to y'all when I haven't seen you in three years. Good to know things haven't changed."

"Well, now that you know it still works…" AJ begins, pausing to look at me through the corner of his eye with a grin, "it does still work, right?" I won't answer that, and clear my throat. "Okay, let's just assume it still works."

"Well, it must if Rache gave Erin the day off yesterday," Nick says quietly with a giggle. "The old man must have tired her out."

"Good point. So, now that you know it still works, are you going to keep it in healthy working order, or are you just gonna…?"

I push myself up slightly in the chair and turn to look at him. He really is amusing sometimes, but somehow, they're slowly broaching the situation, maybe going to try to make it not seem like they're as concerned as they are by teasing me. Good plan, I'll give them that. "Just gonna what, Aje?"

"Uh, just gonna let it go into, um, early retirement?"

Like my music career? Is that where this is going? I look around the table, and looking at the nervous expressions, I don't think that was the plan. I think it was just supposed to be b.s. but as usual, the conversations that last longer than five minutes seem to turn into something serious. It's been fun sometimes, interesting to know what we're all thinking and doing, but they all look a bit scared by the mention of early retirement in my presence.

I rub a finger along my chin and release a slow smirk. "It didn't retire, man. It just went on to do other, more primary, functions."

How did my dick become a euphemism for my life? Not that it's a bad euphemism…if you're guy.

The teasing laughter is not present anymore, and AJ just lifts an eyebrow and slouches a bit into the chair. "That's sad, man," he says shaking his head. "That's just sad."

"A waste," Howie adds, looking nervously at me.

"Depends on how you look at it I suppose," I say with a shrug. They all look around at each other and it's quiet for a bit too long. "I'm going to guess that y'all have sussed out what went wrong?"

"What do you mean?" Brian asks nervously.

I sit up further and rest my arms on the table. "I heard y'all going over what might have happened. Did y'all come up with a solution? What it was that pushed me over the edge?" Now they're all visibly nervous and shifting uncomfortably. They used to do that when I had to scold them for their fucking around someplace when they knew they shouldn't have…years and years ago….

"Kev…we didn't…"

I lift a hand to silence Howie from smoothing things over and settle back. "I'm kind of interested to see what y'all came up with." I look around expectantly. "No, really, I'm serious. I want to know what you came up with." There's still no answer, and it feels like forever. "Fellas, I'm serious. Maybe you found the answer I've been trying to come up with for the past couple of years."

"We didn't come up with an answer, Kev," Brian says quietly, looking down to his hands.

"Any questions then?"

We're going to do this, aren't we? I don't have any energy to fight my kids, the fellas and myself. I may as well just get into it. It's not like I was going to be able to avoid it the entire time I was here. There've been small encounters, a few truths one-on-one, but we're sitting at the table like we used to, like the group we used to be, and everything we ever did that was worthwhile came out of us sitting at a table.

"What happened?"

I look up to Nick, his head tilted with the question, those blue eyes of his squinting slightly at me. "I'm not sure, Nicky. I'm still not really sure what happened, or why. Just that it did."

"That's not true, man," AJ says, crossing his ankles and sticking his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. "You can't have been thinking about it for this long and not know what happened, or what triggered the start, at least. Not even have a guess. I don't believe it."

"It snowballed, Aje. That's my best guess. It all just snowballed, and little things kept adding up. When the little things weren't working, bigger things came at me, and they just kept getting bigger."

"What sort of little things? Things with us? Because we figured out that you started acting weird when you bitched at me about the group, and that was like, three or four months before you moved to Kentucky," Howie says, leaning onto the table, making sure his voice was calm and even as always.

"Before that," I admit. "I started bitching at y'all because things weren't going too good at home for awhile and I kept losing my patience more and more. Kris and I hadn't been getting on for a real long time. I don't know if any of you knew that then or not, but we weren't."

"We didn't know," AJ says honestly.

"You never said anything," Brian adds.

"Kris resented staying home."

"I thought she wanted to stay home," Brian says in confusion. "She always told LeighAnne how great it was to spend…"

He stops talking when I shake my head. "That was the public story, Bri. She's an actress…and she could be very good. It'd look bad if she didn't rave about how wonderful it was to be a mother. Reality? She didn't want to be one yet. She wanted to work." I take a slow breath and check the area around me. That's all Sammie needs to hear. "When she was pregnant, we fought for weeks about whether we'd keep it or not, eventually, she gave in."

And it was down to the very last second too. Part of me still feels guilty about it, in a way, now that I know what's happened. Maybe Kris and I should have just parted ways instead of having Samantha, and that thought crushes me. I can't imagine what I would be doing without her. I can't imagine not ever wanting her. But she wouldn't feel this painful rejection from her mother, if her mother had had her way in the first place.

"She agreed to the next one to get it over with. If she was stuck home, she may as well get it over with so she didn't have to quit her career twice when I started hounding her to have another. Her words, not mine."

"Why would you even want another one if that's the way she…" I've blown Brian's mind. I can see the total shock and horror all over his face.

"I didn't know her motives behind it, Brian, until we were in Kentucky. I always thought we were having the second to bring us closer together. I didn't know it was something she thought of as 'getting it over with'. If I had, I may not have agreed to it."

And that thought kills me too, not having Annie in my life. Although I should have known there was something wrong when I was the one that was taking more and more care of the girls when Annie was still less than a year old, while Kris complained more and more about the arrangements we made of childcare.

"Why didn't she go back to work after having them, then?" Nick asks.

"Someone needed to take care of the girls, Nicky. I did it as much as I could but…"

Howie furrows his eyebrows at me, confused. "But what?"

"Jive wanted their next album," I tell him pointedly. "And my schedule was constantly changing," because you all kept changing things around, "Kris wasn't getting any work. She stayed home and grew more and more frustrated with me because she wasn't seeing any progress in the recording." Neither was I, either, and that frustrated me too.

Do I admit that, though? Is now the time to admit this? If we're going to be pulling it all out into the open, should I pull it all out? Make the entire picture clear?

Nick

I don't know if I like that look on Kevin's face. The laughter has died down, and we're all back to being serious. Personally, I'm a little nervous. It's one thing wanting to know what happened, it's an entirely different thing to actually find out. Do we really want to know it all? Do we really have the right to ask him to explain it all after trying to leave it behind? Do we want to bring this all back after having such a great day?

"I was frustrated," he says, a little more strength in his voice, and he takes a heavy breath. "And that wasn't helping things."

"Kev, the kids weren't being…blamed, were they?" Brian asks, and it's not blamed he means to ask. It's abused and that thought hadn't even crossed my mind until he asked that question. Is that why Sammie's so hurt? Distrustful? Was she blamed? Abused?

"Hell, no!" he exclaims vehemently, his eyes widening. "No…Kris was frustrated, but she would never touch them in frustration. Ever."

Brian looks nervous and looks down to the table. "What about you, Kev?"

Fuck…shut up, Brian!

"He'd never do that, Brian, and you know it!" AJ defends before Kevin could even respond. There's more hurt than anger in Kevin's expression though.

"Never," he agrees quietly with a slight shake of his head. "I did everything I could not to let them even see us fight, not to even let them know there was a problem."

AJ looks at Kevin with such sympathy, I'm almost in tears. "They knew anyway, didn't they, though?" Kevin closes his eyes, and when he opens them, they're full of tears. All he does is nod and take a deep breath. "My family tried to hide the problems from me," AJ says gently, "but I knew, too. You just do."

"We tried," Kevin says. "But it only takes one thing to totally screw that up. To blow it all to hell."

"What was that one thing, man?"

Kevin shakes his head and leans forward. "She hated staying home with them, and that was all I wanted to do. Kris was in the kitchen, there's a bottle thrown down on the table, Annie was in her highchair just crying so loud…" It's as if he's describing what he still sees happening at this very second. "Kris was screaming at me for some new delay, or being away longer than I said I would. I don't even know anymore. All I remember is Annie's face in that highchair, me screaming back at Kris…" He looks at Brian, as if he's looking for encouragement, like he's looked at him to get through things like this before? "And I looked down and saw Sammie crouching under the table next to Annie's highchair, holding onto Annie's chubby little leg, not a sound from her, but her cheeks were streaming with tears." He bites his lips, a small smile on them. "Even then she was protecting her sister. Been doing it ever since."

That would be something that would haunt me, too…that guilt. "You tried though, Kev," I offer quietly.

"I didn't succeed, though, Nicky. I'll never forget that look in her eyes." He looks away and closes his eyes again before looking back to us. "And it's back. But now, she's angry too."

"People argue, Kev. Even the best of marriages…" Brian begins.

"Yeah," he says shortly. "But AJ's right. Kids know. And Kris wouldn't let it drop, even if the girls weren't around. It was always the same thing. She was pissed, and I was ruining her career for mine that was stalling and was probably over anyway." Those words come biting out and he glances back to us, the truth finally out there, and he's waiting for our reaction. I don't even know if I have one.

Brian's looking down to his hands, and Howie's watching Kevin intently, almost in shock, AJ leans forward and looks down to his feet. I guess we all look guilty, ashamed. At least, that's part of how I feel. I know I made excuses not to show up. Didn't feel like fighting with them, didn't feel like searching through the music….

"Good to know she was supportive," AJ mumbles ironically and falls back into the seat, looking miserable.

"Right when I thought it couldn't get any worse, Tim called and told me about my ma," he continues. "And all I could think about was my dad."

Fuck, now his voice just got quiet and scratchy, and if he starts crying, we're all gonna lose it.

"I had to be there, guys. I just had to. I couldn't face wondering how much time I wasted if I didn't go, and she didn't…." Again, he looks at Brian, looking pale and sad. "I couldn't do that to myself again. And with things the way they were with Kris, I figured, if we both just got out of LA, got away from the pressures and the industry, we might…." He pauses and scoffs lightly. "However stupid it sounds, I thought we might find each other again. Figure out what it was that we liked about each other again. But when we got there, it only got worse, and I didn't have time to deal with her bitching at me about her career when I was visiting my mother in the hospital. There was very little hope of finding something in common, so when I wasn't with my family, I was out getting involved and doing all these things that I wanted to do if I had more time." Taking a deep breath, he shakes the hair off his forehead and straightens up a bit. "So, I made more time. Left Kris at home, started joining boards and other projects. I talked to Jim and Vicki and started doing more work, and it was easier to do more for Kentucky actually being there. And got involved in the local government. And as soon as that happened…we were sleeping in separate rooms, and the only time we were civil to one another was in front of company and the girls. Once the girls were in bed, we did nothing but avoid each other, or scream at each other."


Kevin

It's all coming out, and I'm shocked at how much I'm saying. Earlier today, I had felt the adrenaline from doing the old routines. Now, I can feel it surging through my body in pure nerves and fears. Everything I'm telling them is bringing them back into my life, catching them up, and it's petrifying.

"She kept telling me I was fucking up our lives, all I was ever going to be Senator Backstreet. Who was I kidding thinking anyone would ever take me serious enough to vote for me outside of TRL…" That single sentence kept going through my head after Election Day. It was all I could do to hold my head up. Who was I kidding?

"During all of that, I flew back to LA a few times and we got nowhere with the album. Kris flew out separately, and although she got nowhere too, she dreaded coming back each time. Each visit was extended a few more days, a week…we fought about going back once ma was better, but I couldn't bring myself to go back. She stayed in LA for almost a month, got management to call me and summon me back, but I couldn't figure out why I should go. We weren't getting anything done anymore. We weren't even going into the studio at the same time and once Jive called to pressure me about it, I called management back and said 'fuck it, I quit.'"

I'm waiting for some reaction, for one of them to say something, but they're not saying a word. It's gotten darker and it's easier to talk to them in this light. It's more like I'm talking to their shadows than the actual fellas. More like I'm talking to myself.

"After the election was over, I never heard the end of it. She kept going on about how we needed to go back to LA and get our lives back. We needed to go back to LA to avoid the embarrassment of losing. We needed to go back to LA…" Now my heart is really thumping, and I can feel the tears in my eyes. Clearing my throat, I shift in my seat and rub my palms along my jeans nervously. "Instead of going back to LA, I went into my room and started drinking, and each day, I chose to have a drink instead of facing what was outside of the door, instead of facing Kris. And once I had a few drinks in me, and I did face her… we tore one another apart. I think the only reason she stayed as long as she did was for the girls. To take care of them because I couldn't even face them to take care of them." Now there are tears in my voice. Even I hear them. "And then Nicky came…" I manage to glance at his shadow and swallow heavily. "And…"

I don't even know what to say here, how to explain what happened, or why.

"We know what happened then, Kev," Brian steps in quietly.

"I didn't know…" AJ begins, reaching a hand out to my shoulder, "…we didn't know, there was so much pressure on you, man."

"You should have said something to us," Howie tells me. "We would have backed off."

"Why?" I snap. "Why would you have backed off? Did I ever back off from any of y'all?"

"Kevin, you were dealing a lot of shit," Nick says quickly. "We could understand that."

"I would have admitted that I was fucking failing, Nick, that's why! Not only did I fail y'all, but I failed in my marriage, I failed my girls, I failed in running for office. I was supposed to be the one that could hold it together, damn it!"

I slam my hand down on the table before I push my chair back and over and take a few steps away into the darkness. I can't believe I just said that. I can't believe I just said that out loud. I can't believe I just said that to all of them. Like they hadn't figured out I fucking failed everyone and everything around me already?

"Kev, you did hold it together…" That's Brian's voice, calm and rational coming at me. "You held it together longer than expected, and we didn't know how bad it all was until now. That's holding it together if we didn't know the extent of it all."

I flex my hand, realizing just how hard I hit it and take a breath. I don't want to go back over to them, face them just yet. There's still a certain comfort I find in the dark. Maybe it's because I can't see what's coming at me next?

"That's hiding, Brian," I answer, leaning against the wall of the house. They can still see me. It's not like I've gone far. "That's not holding it together. I just kept doing more and more to avoid doing what I had to do."

"What else were you supposed to do?" AJ asks, turning to look at me incredulously. "How do you even think you didn't do enough?"

"Because it didn't work out, Aje," I answer with a heavy breath. "If I tried harder, if I didn't do as much…maybe if we went back to LA? Maybe if I just delayed the album or, not run for office? I don't know, but I have to have missed something. I usually do."

"Usually do? What does that mean?" Howie asks, standing up and moving to lean against the wall with me, shoulder to shoulder. I can't answer that just yet. I'm not used to having someone around when I beat myself up. It's usually just myself answering. "Kevin, what do you mean?"

"Haven't you ever noticed?" I ask, my voice growing quieter. "Haven't any of you ever noticed before?"

"Noticed what?"

I feel as if I'm only talking to Howie, almost forgetting that the rest of them are here. That sort of makes it easier. I used to be really close to Howie, he was closest in age with me, and we were the only ones old enough to go out. We shared hotel rooms, and apartments.

"I do what I want, thinking I'm always right and I never am…" It's all I can do not to let myself start crying. The heavy weight is back on my chest, and my hands feel like they're shaking at the end of heavy arms. All the energy has drained from me like it usually does when I think about this.

"Oh, that's total bullshit!" AJ jumps up from the table and stands in front of me. "That's just friggin' asking for pity, Kevin!" All I do is blink at him in complete shock. Every other time I tried to tell myself that, it never worked, but there's complete conviction in his voice. "Jesus, get over yourself and take the friggin' blame you deserve and let it go, man! Let it fucking go!"

"My entire life…"

"Has been amazing, you stupid shit!" AJ interrupts. "Who was the one that sat us down all those times and pointed out how special things in our lives were? Who told us to appreciate what we had? Why the hell do you think you're exempt from the same exact shit we're held accountable for? We're thankful for? You were there, Kevin! You were there too, and you have the same exact things to be thankful for! If you were wrong, you wouldn't have two amazing daughters upstairs that love you so much! One of them hates you because she can't hate anyone else! Because she can't trust someone else to be angry with, and still love her at the same time!"

"Don't do this, Aje," Brian starts, putting a hand on AJ's shoulder, making him take a step back. "Not right now…"

"Then when, Brian? When's he going to let us speak our minds again? When would be a good time to let him know he's hiding from admitting his own mistakes? Yeah, Kev, mistakes. You made them! I have news for you, you'll make more! And you know what else, about those mistakes? You lived through them, start acting like it!"


Nick

Pure silence… Not a sound, not a movement, not an anything. There is just pure silence and I have never been so scared in my entire life. I thought the worst moment of my life was watching Kevin have a meltdown, but I think this one moment might take it's place. We are all shaking…waiting…

"That's the problem. It's just acting," Kevin says, almost in a whisper.

"So, stop," AJ scolds, not even a hint of backing down.

"Come on, Aje," Howie says now, taking a step forward, also making AJ step back. "You made your point."

Brian attempts to pull AJ back to the table. "Have I?" AJ asks, looking past Brian's shoulder towards Kevin. "Because someone needs to make him see it."

Stepping forward, Kevin's eyes are red rimmed and teary, and he's doing his best to make it look like he's holding it together, but I know that look. He's going to lose it, and soon. "I have seen it. And all I'm trying to do is figure out what's best for my kids, AJ. I've done enough to them."

"You haven't done anything to them, Kevin!" AJ yells, stepping closer again. "Kristin hurt them. Kristin turned her back on them…on you! What are you guilty of? Trying to make their life better? Trying to be a good husband and attempting to make your marriage work? Caring about your mother and family? Caring about the environment they live in?"

"Didn't you listen?" Kevin yells, pointing at his ear. "None of it worked out! It all failed! Sammie is already in therapy, AJ! She's nine!"

"Because her mother, Kevin…her mother walked out on her!"

"After I got put in a hospital!"

AJ is not letting him back down. This is a battle of wills, and he's not letting Kevin give any more excuses. Maybe it's because Kevin never let us have any.

"You went back! Would you stand back and look at what you've done for them? What you gave up to be their father? Give yourself some credit, man, because you have given up everything for them! Jesus, Kevin! You haven't had a date in years! You haven't done a single Goddamn thing for yourself since you've been out of that hospital, and it's not doing anyone any good! Not you, not your kids, not your ex, not your family… Do something for yourself! You made a few mistakes, but in between, you've been a damn fine father, brother, husband, and friend! Stop being so fucking scared of screwing up already! You're just not perfect! Deal!"

Just when I think Kevin is going to haul off and punch AJ to shut him up, Kevin lifts his hands up and storms off into the darkness. Howie turns to go after him, but AJ grabs his elbow. "Let him go," he demands, following Kevin with his gaze. "I just nailed him. He needs to think."

"Goddamn it, AJ," Brian says, his voice lost between disbelief and anger, "could you have been any harder on him?"

Exhausted, AJ drops back into his chair and rubs his face with his hands. "He's been getting the truth with a teaspoon of sugar fed to him for years, Brian, and he hasn't paid any attention. Maybe he'll hear it this time. Someone had to shake him up. We've all been so damn scared of raising his temper, but maybe it's what he needed."

"Raising his temper is one thing, but shit, man," I sigh, more than a little concerned. "That was harsh."

"It was true and you know it," AJ spats at me, dropping his hands to his lap.

"Did it have to be so harsh, though?" Howie suggests, ever calm and collected. AJ waves him off and shakes his head. "Because, really…that was..."

"And he was gentle when he broke down my door and landed me in rehab a few hours later?" AJ says snidely.

"Sure you weren't getting some of your own back for that, Aje?" Brian says, watching AJ carefully.

"Sometimes the truth fucking hurts."

"So, what's your truth?" Howie sits back down in his chair, watching AJ for a moment.

It's AJ's turn to be on the defensive, and he looks around the table at us. "Tell me you were all fine when he let management tell us he wasn't coming back." Damn, he's just been way too observant. None of us were fine with the way that was handled. "Well? Were you? It took him three fucking years to give us an explanation."

"So you have to rip his heart out for it?" Brian growls.

"I didn't say a single thing he didn't need to hear, Brian! I wasn't being cruel, or harsh," he glares at Howie and me quickly. "I was being honest. He stopped living when he left his music behind him. We all saw it happen. He left his music, and he lost his wife, he lost his children, he lost his Goddamn mind. And he hasn't had it back until today. Inside, when we were all just fucking around in there." He points to the house, giving us each a long look. "None of you can tell me you didn't see the difference in him." We all just look at each other, realizing the truth AJ's just said. I hadn't put it all together, but he's right. As soon as he started walking away from Backstreet, his life started falling apart.

"Why didn't any of us see that sooner?" Howie asks quietly.

"That's our own guilt," AJ answers more quietly, the adrenaline leaving him exhausted. "We didn't stop to see it…just let it happen."

Kevin

"Hey…" I lift my head up from my knees and feel a blanket wrapped around my shoulder. "It gets chilly out here this time of night." It's Rachel and she settles down in the sand next to me, dropping her head down to my shoulder. "You doing okay? The boys are concerned."

"Yeah." I can't quite muster up my voice to say more. And I can't quite say I'm okay. I'm a little stunned, actually. Embarrassed.

"It's hard, Kevin," Rachel says gently, slipping her hand around my arm, offering comfort. "No one up there thinks you've been taking the easy way out. It's hard to get it all back after you've had that kind of shock."

"Yeah." I don't want to talk anymore. I don't even want to think about it anymore. I just wanted to come down here and listen to the water and clear my head before I completely broke down.

She doesn't say anything for a long while, and I lower my head back down to my knees, closing my eyes for a moment. I can feel her shift slightly, and her fingers run gently along my neck. "I've been where you are, Kevin. My world fell apart in more ways than you'll ever know after my father died. And I did almost the exact same thing you did. I just went to the Point house and hid away until I was ready to face it all. I lost my father, Damon, my band…"

"It's not the same," I mumble into my arms, not wanting to lift my head up. I'd like to just go to sleep right here, listening to the wind on the beach and waves.

"It just didn't take me as long to get through what you're facing, and that's because I had James. They love you up there, you know. That's why they're risking the chance of hurting you. They love you, and they've missed you."

"No more than I've missed them, Rache." Every day there was something that would remind me of them. Some memory that would creep up and remind me of what I was missing, but instead of admitting that, I buried it in work, or the gym, or some fundraising event. Each time there was polite applause, it only reminded me of the massive screams that weren't accompanying it. Keeping up with news by listening to Brian or LeighAnne, by what the families were saying to each other, reading the entertainment section of the paper…and pretending that I was happy doing what I was doing.

"Kevin?"

I lift my head up and rest my chin down instead, looking out into the darkness, feeling a chill creep up my spine. "I don't know how to get anything back." I don't know if I say that to the Universe, or Rachel, but it's out there. It's the truth, and it's out there, waiting for an answer for the first time since it all came crumbling down around me.

"Trust them," Rachel says, still smoothing my hair softly. "Just trust yourself again, baby. You're not guilty of doing anything but trying too hard."

That's not what I heard up there. I heard I was guilty of not trying too hard, of giving up and giving in. Not that I can blame them for their observations, or for being pissed. I have tried so many times to convince myself of what AJ was saying, but I've never been able to get beyond that initial five minutes before I look around and freeze in panic.

Maybe your balls do fall off if you don't use them. Who the hell knows anymore?

"You just lost sight of the big picture," Rachel says, attempting to make sense of it all.

"No, Rachel, I lost the picture. Somehow, I forgot what it was that I was supposed to be doing." I look over to her, seeing the curls of her hair blowing out straight in the ocean breeze. It amazes me, sometimes, that Nicky's managed to make this work with her. I never gave them the credit they deserved for all the angst and hours they put into their relationship. She keeps him together, and he makes sure nothing is ever dull. They've managed to make sense of their lives, when I didn't think Nicky would ever grow up.

"What are you doing now?" she questions, resting her cheek down on her knees to look at me.

"Trying to hold it together? Trying to let it all go? I don't know, Rache. You tell me."

She rests her head back down against my arm and sighs deeply. "If I could, baby, you know I would, right?"

I kiss the top of her head warmly and rest mine against hers. "I know you would, Rache."

I'm not even sure if this is right or wrong, sitting with her - Nick's wife. But right now, it doesn't feel wrong, and she doesn't feel like Nick's wife. It's Rachel, and there have been times when it seemed like only we understood what the other was thinking. Right now, it feels like one of those times.

"What did you do?" I ask after we listen silently to the surf. "How did you get out of it?"

"I cried for a long time. Then I fell into a depression for a long while, and then, I looked around and saw how amazing the people in my life were, leaned on them…and embraced the one thing that held us, and me, together." She lifts her head and smiles up to me. "I think you're ready for the next step."


Nick

"You should go downstairs, bunny." I open my eyes and Rachel is leaning across me, smelling like salt water, and wind blown; simply beautiful and the last thing I want to do is go downstairs. Which is what I tell her, pulling her down against me. She giggles against me, but slips away anyway. "You should go downstairs," she whispers again, kissing me quickly before taking my hand and pulling me up. I do my best to resist, pulling myself back down. I don't want to be awake yet, and if I have to be awake, I want to be with Rachel. Downstairs? Forget about it.

She giggles again, squirming away and I'm more awake. It's daylight, and she's not just being silly…she's excited, standing at the side of the bed, pulling at my hand with both of her