He also didn’t expect to feel this angry or, was it hurt? He felt out of sorts about the whole thing. He loved Tred. He was a brother, a best friend, a co-worker, now, apparently, an in-law. But something about what he’d done just made him panic and feel scared for everything around him – not even him, but all of them. Too much, too soon, and none of them were really ready to handle it.
Okay, he wasn’t ready to handle it. Nothing was ever going to change the fact that she was his baby sister, and just a few months ago, she was having problems coping. This wasn’t going to help her cope any better. This was going to give her another excuse not to face things.
He dropped his bags in the hallway and came further down the hallway in the silence, pretty sure if it was quiet, he was alone. Instead, he saw Bridget sitting on the deck looking out over the city lights, curled up in a blanket with her hands curled around a mug.
“Hey.” He slid the screen door over and stood out on the top step. “It’s cold, you know, you should be inside.”
“It’s too pretty to be inside right now,” she answered, leaning her head back and accepting the kiss Zach gave her. “How was your flight? “
“Flight was fine, traffic was shit. Why’re you here? I thought for sure you’d be setting up shop at Tred’s by now.”
“Well, I have, but I didn’t want you to come home to an empty house, all my stuff moved out and think it was some kind of deliberate angry thing. I wanted to be here to talk to you about everything. Just you and me, Z. I need to know why you’re freaking out so bad about this.” She straightened her legs out and shifted slightly. “I mean, sure, it was a surprise that he did it so soon, and on TV, but you act as if you’re surprised its gotten this far. We’ve been together for two years. We’ve been together longer, if you want to count all the drug nonsense we don’t really remember too clearly. Why is this so horrible? It can’t be because you weren’t in on it. I refuse to believe you can be that petty.” She patted the cushion at the end of her lounge chair. “So, tell me. Talk to me.”
He made his way down the steps, looking out at the lights briefly. Some days it still amazed him that he had made this home. When they were little, living in Florida, he shared a room with his sister and their house had a small living room, kitchen and dining room, and of course a bedroom for his parents. But it wasn’t theirs. They rented, and they moved frequently into another house that had pretty much the same arrangement. It was always hot, nothing was ever new, and his mother was always complaining about the noise from the neighbors.
They had no neighbors high on the hill and at night, it was silent, just some bugs making noise around them, and fountain trickling from near the pool. When he looked out, all he could see was valley, and mountain range, and off in the distance, the Los Angeles city skyline. He preferred the view late at night, when it was all simply blackness and twinkling lights.
“Talk to me, Zach.” Bridget took his hand and pulled him down, crossing her legs and sat up.
“I still get excited by this view sometimes,” he said, looking over his shoulder for a second. “I remember where we came from, all those freakin’ rentals in Florida.”
“I remember some of them, too. I remember not being able to sleep when you first left because I never slept in the room alone. “
“I know, but I remember Mom never being happy. She always wanted something more. Granted, we didn’t have the greatest, but sometimes, what we had wasn’t all that awful, you know?”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Maybe I’m a little worried about you that way, too, B. I guess I’m just worried that you’re going into all this so soon that you haven’t really given yourself a chance to look around and see that what you’ve got right now ain’t all that bad. I know you’ve been with Tred for years, and I don’t expect you to break up or anything, but I know you both. I know he’s done a lot more living than you have.” He put his hand up to silence her rebuttal. “And I know you’ve had a lot of experiences, but Bridge, he’s just older. By default, he’s done more and I know for me that life looks a lot different at twenty-four than it does at twenty. It doesn’t sound like much, but it can be.”
“But that was you, Zach. That doesn’t necessarily mean me. You hadn’t done or been where I’ve been at my age. You weren’t a recovering alcoholic, or drug addict when you were 20.”
He shook his head, reaching out to put his hand over hers. “It can’t all come down to that. I know it’s part of who you are, and you need to remember certain things to get by, but you can’t keep making all your decisions based on that part of your life, though. In another five years, what are you going to be thinking, or feeling? It may be completely different and you may have a different handle on how to deal with your recovery than you do now. Maybe you won’t want the reminder of what you did. Maybe you won’t want to remember at all. How are you going to do that if you’re married to it?”
“I’m marrying Trevor, Zach. Not my addiction.”
“And that’s my point, B. He’s part of it. He’s part of your recovery, and your addiction. His lifestyle is part of your recovery and addiction. I’m scared for you, Bridget. I’m scared that you’re going to wake up one day and just see your life as something that doesn’t exist anymore and not be able to separate them. It took Tred a long time to do that, too, and he wasn’t in a committed relationship like this. You’ve been through enough hurt and had enough shit ripped away from you, I just want you to look around at everything and see that you still have so much time. You don’t have to cram all your life into this very second. Yes, live for the moment, live for the day, but don’t do it so well that you can’t see that there’s another one coming – good, bad or ugly – there is another one coming.”
“And I want the next day to include what I have now. “ She squeezed his hand and exhaled heavily. “And that includes you. Why do you think that my addiction, or the memories of them, only includes Tred? You were the one that found me. I remember the look on your face, the fear and the pain. It’s not like that is going to go away and I’m not trying to wake up one day and think ‘gee, I don’t want to deal with my brother anymore, he’s such a reminder of a downer in my life, I need to move on.’ It’s going to lessen, sure, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to just cut it out of my life entirely. It means I learn to live with it. Let me learn to live with it. “
“I obviously have no control over anything you do, B.” He lifted his hands up, palms out. “I’ve never had control over anything you did, even when I tried. All I’ve ever been able to do is sit back and watch.”
“When you wanted to control my life, it meant that I sat in a room, did homework, watched TV and never experienced anything. You didn’t want to control me, you wanted to protect me, Zach, and no, you can’t do that. I went out and did what I did anyway because you weren’t going to be able to protect me. I never expected you to do that. Whatever expectations I had, you gave me. I expected you to take care of me, and you did. I expected you to love me, and you have. Anything else, you put on you and you need to stop, now.”
“No.” He shook his head and rested his hands down to curl around the rim of the chair. “And I’m going to try to protect you as much as I can because you may have gone ahead and experienced a lot of shit that I haven’t, but that doesn’t mean that I just give up and don’t bother, either.”
“Know what I want the most from you, Zach?” She leaned forward and put her arms around his neck.
He released one of his hands and put it on her back, dropping his chin to her shoulder with a muffled “what?” Suddenly, he was very tired.
“I want you to forgive me, Zach,” she whispered. He could hear the tears in her voice, and knew this is what the problem was. This is where they kept getting stuck.
“I have.”
“Then I want you to stop blaming yourself for the things I did. You weren’t responsible for making me behave. You didn’t put the drugs in my hands. You didn’t put the drink in my hands. And you’re not standing behind me with a shotgun forcing me to marry Trevor.” She pulled back and looked at him directly. “All these things are my choice.”
“I know that.”
“And if I regret anything, it’s going to be because I did something. I never want to live my life with ‘what if’ knocking on my door. If things don’t work out with Trevor for whatever reason, just like everything else I’ve learned, I have the choice to change it.”
“Promise me one thing, B,” he said, smoothing her hair back. “Wait. I love you. I love Tred. It’s not that I don’t want you two to be together. I just want you to wait until things settle down. We have a tour coming up, the album release – it’s going to be insane again. Wait until all that is over, then set a date. Please? Can you do that for me?”
“We haven’t even gotten that far. We’re not planning on anything just now, anyway, okay?” She shook her head, widening her eyes in emphasis and smiled, trying to get him to grin at the very least.
He wanted to believe her. He wanted to be everything she hoped he’d be – and if he was asking her to try, he knew he needed to do the same. “I’m not gonna stop looking out for you, B. It’s my job, you know that, right?”
“I do. But it’s my job to do everything possible to drive you nuts.”
“This time, you got Tred to do it for you.”
“Come on.” She sat back and pulled the blanket up a little. “You have to admit, it was pretty cool. You never saw it coming from him.”
He shook his head. “No. Never. Would have preferred that it never happened.” She cocked her head slightly and he laughed. “Now when I try to get married, what the hell am I going to do? It’ll be Tred Watson proposed to his fiancé on the freakin’ Today Show and Zach Angel asked his bride to marry him over dinner? I don’t want to sky dive with a ring to match that!”
“Yeah, but you were never as cool as Tred anyway. I wouldn’t worry about it.” She giggled, dropping her head back into the chair.
“There was a time, baby sister…” He wagged a finger at her with a smile and stood up, going over to the edge of the deck.
There was a time when none of this existed in his life. More and more, he wondered how much he had to pay because it was.
I suppose I should be truthful and say that even though it was the happiest day of my life, it wasn’t quite the best day for Zach. He’s coming around, and it has nothing to do with Tred and me as people. He just has a few concerns about, well, I suppose history.
It’s not a secret that I’m a recovering addict and alcoholic – how great is it that I’m a recovering alcoholic before I’m even legal? I mean, really, there’s a certain talent for that, isn’t there? Sadly, I’m not the only one, but still…
But outside of the fact that Zach isn’t all that excited – Tred and I are just disgustingly thrilled. And for the record, I had no clue he was going to do any of that. He said he had the ring for about four months and each time he worked on ‘Climbing’ he wanted to give it to me. After all this time, I never had a song written for me and he said he wrote that the day after he asked me not to move in. It’s a long story, but I fell off the wagon and I told him and we thought it best that I take some time. We didn’t break up, but I kind of freaked out and he ended up writing that. Kinda makes me feel a little silly thinking we were breaking up (because, again, I’m so good at blowing things out of the proportion. Sometimes it amazes me how much we blow out of proportion, you know?) I think it was because I was so scared of losing him – and so scared that I blew everything. I have a good life. I know that I do, but somehow that doesn’t stop me from going ahead and making stupid decisions. Then again, we all do, right? I mean, I’ve met a few of Zach’s poor decisions the following morning. (ha!) I try not to beat myself up about it, but some days are harder than others.
Today, I was thinking about my mom. And its pretty obvious, but she doesn’t know I’m engaged to Tred. She’s not going to see the ring, or help me make the plans and all those kinds of things mothers and daughters do for weddings. Sure, if I wanted to think that she’s floating around on some fluffy cloud up there with nothing better to do than look down at us, than, yeah, she knows and she’s seen and all that… But that doesn’t mean she’s going to be there and tell me which dress looks good, or what kind of flowers I should have. And rationally, part of me is thinking ‘hell, she wouldn’t do that anyway’ but I suppose all girls dream about that kind of bonding. I suppose. Maybe. Maybe not. Just one of those random thoughts I had.
We haven’t even talked about setting a date, either. So, yeah, there’s a shock, People got it wrong. So did the Enquirer. I think we’ve got plenty of time to discuss it all.
So, what do you all think of the new songs, anyway? I may be a little biased about it all, but I was pretty blown away. They hadn’t let me hear the first three, so it was just as new to me as it was to you all. (If I even try saying y’all it sounds like I’m Britnney, or making fun of Z’s manager, but somehow if I speak it, it’s fine. Okay, so I’m a little chatty today.) I still can’t pick a favorite and I have heard the actual tracks (sorry – I’m working on getting copies for download. Shhh) and they sound pretty amazing too. The boys’ voices have grown beyond what even I thought possible.
And they’re each out doing their own thing, leaving me to do mine. So I’m gonna go do it. Just wanted to check in and let you know what’s going on. I also wanted to say thank you to those of you that have left messages congratulating Tred and me. It’s so sweet. Those of you that left those other kinds of messages? There’s this really great thing on my keyboard – called the delete key. I use it.
“Well, I’m guessing that congratulations are in order, huh?” Ken asked, giving Zach a quick hug when they met for breakfast at a little deli in the valley. They sat outside at one of the smaller tables, still fairly private with a wall built up between the sidewalk and parking lot, but open to let the air circulate through when it was too hot. The temperature was just above 70 with a calm breeze so sitting outside was pleasant, and not many people were around, so they could relax and talk.
“I’m not getting married,” Zach answered gruffly, sitting down and looking over the menu quickly. He lowered it back to the table and looked up to Ken silently chuckling, suppressing an amused smile. “What?”
“I guess you’re not all that happy about it?” he asked, resting his elbows on the table and clasping his hands together. “Because, man, that’s some expression.”
“What difference does it make what I am? Like I said, I’m not getting married.” Zach sat back, stretching his legs out and crossing his ankles, trying to get comfortable under Ken’s gaze. He smoothed one of the pockets down on the camouflage cut-offs he wore, and then ran his hands through his hair, making the blonde ends stick up any which way before he slid his sunglasses on top of his head. “What?”
“Is this going to be a problem?” Ken asked, also sitting back in his chair now. “You’re okay with Trevor, aren’t you?”
“Don’t worry, Ken, the album will be released on time and the tour can still be scheduled as planned.”
“That’s not what I asked, Zach.” Zach noticed Ken studying his face, his green eyes just a little tentative. “It’ll be one hell of a long tour again if you’re not comfortable with him.”
“Comfortable? Ken, I haven’t had a say in a single Goddamn thing he does since Bridget started fucking him. Why the hell do you think something like this is going to make any difference?”
“Whoa, Zach.” Ken sat up and looked around, making sure they were the only one’s still outside. He seemed to pat the air between them, pushing down the tension. “This is exactly what I’m talking about. You’re not going to be able to handle six months of him if this is what’s going on. Did you talk to him yet?”
“I only talked to Bridget last night.”
“How’d that go?”
“What difference does it make? Ken, I just said, it’s cool. You don’t have to freak out about it. You can go ahead and tell the label it’s all good like you normally do and we’ll get on with things.” Ken sat back and shot him a look. He widened his eyes slightly, shaking his head slightly and looked away for a minute. “You know I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Yeah,” Ken looked at him skeptically, “sounds it.”
“Know what? Every person I’ve talked to since last Wednesday has started the conversation with Tred and Bridget. It’s not my news, and it’s not my life and it really makes no difference what I think about it, okay? I’m already tired of hearing about it and it’s barely been two weeks.” He sat forward and picked up one of the sugar packets, tapping it against it hands. “Know where I’ve been for the past week? I went on vacation. Hung out in New York for a bit, went down to the Keys for some beach time. And no one yet asked me how that was.”
“How was it?” Ken asked, suppressing another playful smile.
Zach tilted his head and smirked with his response. “It was fine. Thanks for asking.”
“I thought you were giving me a hint to ask about it.”
“Not my point.”
“No shit. Feeling a little over shadowed and neglected, Zach?” He reached across the table attempting to pat Zach’s head. “Poor, Zach!”
Zach scuffed the chair back and smacked at Ken’s hand, unable to keep from laughing lightly. “Bite me!” The waitress came out and took their order before heading back inside. “And for the record, no, I’m not feeling neglected. I could care less.”
“Bullshit.” Ken unwrapped the cutlery from the napkin and tucked it down on his lap, giving Zach a pointed looked. “You got one hell of a chip on your shoulder about this to the point that I’m surprised you can even walk, Little Man. But yeah, you’re right. It makes no difference what you think about it because it is about Tred and your sister. How’re you gonna handle it?”
Zach lifted his eyes to Ken and sighed. “However you tell me to, Ken. Okay?”
“Hey now! Why’re you pissy at me?”
“Because I’m pissy with everyone,” Zach answered, turning spoon tip to tip and sliding his fingers along the length between flips.
“Yeah, that solves a lot of problems,” Ken answered with a nod. “Good answer.”
“Is this where you tell me how to handle it because you have all the answers to everything, Ken?”
“Nope. I’m just gonna eat my breakfast.” He folded his hands behind his head and leaned back easily. “What do you think of the cover art for the album? You did get the proofs, right?” The waitress came and dropped off their breakfast, making small talk with the delivery before disappearing back inside. Ken pulled his chair closer to the table and started poking at the sour cream and avocado in his omelet. “So? The art work?”
“I hate when you do this,” Zach said with a shake of his head.
“Do what? I’m your manager, Zach. I don’t get involved in family matters.”
“The hell you don’t.” Zach poked at his eggs and picked up his bagel to butter it.
He shoved a forkful of omelet into his mouth. “Not when you don’t want me to.”
“The hell you don’t.”
“Art work?”
“Say what you want to say already.”
“Nothing. I just think you need to talk to Tred and let him know why you got a bug up your ass and talk it out because clearly, they’re not changing their minds about this because you’re pouting and going on last minute vacations after his big proposal.”
“Did you know about it?”
“No.”
“He didn’t tell you anything about it at all?”
“No.”
“Nothing?”
“Zach, no. I didn’t have a clue either until I watched.”
Zach shook his head and started eating quietly for a moment. “I just feel like—I don’t know—why does everything involving him and my sister have to be some kind of surprise to me?”
“Because under normal circumstances, an engagement isn’t something that a guy talks to the brother about. It’s usually something between the guy and the girl. Tred’s your best friend though, that makes things a little more complicated. Do you really think it’s such a bad thing for them to get married?”
“Not if they wait until she’s like 25 or something, no. Maybe until she’s stable again?”
“Did you tell Tred that?”
“I just told herlast night.”
“Are you really okay that they’re together?”
Zach looked up expressionless. “Dude, they’ve been together for two years.”
“Yeah, and you weren’t happy about them hooking up then. Have you really changed your mind enough that you’re okay with it, or is this whole engagement thing just pushing you over the edge?”
“I pretty much think I don’t have much of a say about any of it. And no, at first, I wasn’t too thrilled about it. One thing I don’t have to worry about is whether or not he’s just using her until something better comes along. After two years, she’s not just some hook-up, right?”
Ken continued eating his breakfast. “Doubt it, yeah.”
“And really, what difference does it make anyway? They knew I wasn’t thrilled in the beginning and went ahead with it.”
“It seems to have been the right thing, though if they want to get married. Like you said, it’s not like it’s a fling. It looks like it’s a good match. He loves her, Zach. Even you have to see that.”
“She’s not ready for this,” he said plainly. “She wasn’t ready when they started dating, and I don’t think she’s ready for marriage. She’s going to wake up one day and figure out that her entire life is something she’s just been avoiding and I’m sorry, but as her brother, and someone that cares about her, I don’t want that to happen.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Because that’s what she’s done. She went from one person taking care of her, to another person taking care of her and most of the time she was playing a role. She was doing what she thought was expected of her and never figured out what she expected from herself. All the drinking and all the drugs were a way for her to hide that she wasn’t happy, and when she came out the other end, started struggling with who she was, she fell right into a relationship with Tred and has been living her life as his girlfriend ever since.
“A few months ago, she was using X again. That is a warning sign even if no one else sees it. My sister still has a problem and it isn’t any kind of substance abuse. She’s still living to please someone other than herself and when I force her to think about herself, she gets pissed off.” His voice rose slightly and he poked the air with his fork between them. “Now she’s going to go off and get married and be whatever it is,” his hand waved in circles around his face, “she thinks a wife should be instead of having any clue what it is that she really wants, or even tries to be.
“So, no, I’m not particularly excited by it, and it has nothing to do with who she’s marrying. She shouldn’t be married. Period. She’s too young and she hasn’t had a chance to have her own life before she’s supposed to go off and share it. And if she gets pregnant? She’s stuck then. She’s stuck and I don’t want to see her unhappy because she made wrong choices when she was too young to really be making them.”
Ken set his fork down and lowered his arms around his plate, clasping his hands together. “Tell that to Tred.” He looked at him sternly. “Seriously. Tell that to Tred. He needs to know what the hell you’re so scared about and if he can see what you’re seeing, maybe he can influence her in some way too. You’re too worked up about this to try to keep your mouth shut, Zach. Just watching you tell me it’s obvious.”
“He’ll tell me I’m reading in to things and she’ll be pissed off if I interfere.”
“Do it anyway,” Ken answered honestly. “There’s too much here for you to pretend it’s all good and it’ll pass, or whatever it is that you’re avoiding.”
“Do you think I’m wrong?”
Ken shook his head and closed his eyes briefly. “Doesn’t matter what I think.”
“Oh, sure, now you’re gonna take the high road. Every other point in my life you’ve told me what you think.” He gave Ken a smile, feeling a little relieved actually saying what he thought aloud to someone that wasn’t going to think he was jealous, or trying to stir up gossip.
“Every other point in your life you needed me to tell you what you thought, Punk-ass,” he teased, sticking his fork over to snatch the last piece of the tomato on his plate. “And still, all I ever get from you is grief.”
“Do you feel unappreciated, Ken?” Zach asked ironically. “Because I know a way you can be appreciated.”
“Yeah? And how’s that?”
“You pick up the breakfast bill. Ha-ha!” he laughed.
Ken rolled his
eyes, dropping his shoulders in defeat. “As if that’s not a usual occurrence. Tell me what you think of the album art already, or
I’m makin’ you pay.”