He leaned in to kiss her, guide her into the house, but she stepped back and remained standing in the doorway, looking up to the lights trying to look like actual flames. She always thought it was tacky. No one ever believed it was real fire, why bother with the pretense?
“What’s up?” He stepped out onto the concrete and leaned against the wall, lifting his foot back as he lit a cigarette: Classic Tred. There were so many photos of him in that exact pose, candid, posed, didn’t matter. It was what he did when he was nervous, or starting to withdraw.
“You’re not going to like what I’m going to say. So I’m just going to say it, and then go, and when you think about it, if you want to call me, you can.” He just turned his head without looking up, watching her almost sideways, flicking ashes from his cigarette. “I just got back from a meeting,” she started nervously, “with Rik. Zach called him.” Trevor kept looking at her, his expression closed and silent. “Because he found some X in my room when he went looking for a dry cleaning receipt.” She took a heavy breath. “Because I’ve been using X on occasion. Like – the other night,” she finished, her voice quiet with guilt.
He turned his head back down to the concrete, flicked more ash before inhaling slowly, and started nodding slowly. Pushing off from the wall, he kissed her forehead before going back in the house and closed the door behind him without a response. She felt immediate fear, but couldn’t blame him for the response – or lack of one. She almost expected Zach to be understanding and supportive because he didn’t know what it felt like to be an addict, have the cravings, and know how hard it was to fight.
But Trevor did, and what she did felt like a betrayal. At least, that’s how she would have felt had he done the same thing to her. She stopped fighting, and pretended. She pretended to be sober with him when he, of all people, would have understood her if she just said ‘I’m thinking of using.’ That was all she needed to say, but instead, she pretended everything was fine.
As she headed back towards her car, the door opened and she stopped, watching him reach his hand out to her. He still didn’t say anything, but he kept his hand out for her and when she stepped closer, he pulled her against him and held onto her. She wasn’t sure if she couldn’t breathe because she had been holding her breath that long, or if it was his embrace, but she had a feeling that maybe he’d been doing the same thing, too.
Inside, Trevor sat back on the spot of the couch where he’d been before she came. His iced tea left wet rings on the glass top of the coffee table, the TV blasted some video. He had his guitar out, but if he was writing, he wouldn’t have the TV on, so she knew he was just sitting with it, strumming mindlessly until something made him pay attention to the sequence of notes in his head.
At first she lingered near the doorway, waiting, but he just picked up the guitar and started strumming, looking over his shoulder at her. “So, aren’t you going to say anything?”
He shrugged. “Not up to me to say anything, is it? I’m not the one with something to say.”
“Do you want me to explain?”
He looked at her again over his shoulder. “Do you want to? Because, really, it’s not up to me to say anything, Bridge. You’ve been to the meeting. You’ve talked to your sponsor. I’m guessing you’ve talked to Zach. When you want to say something to me, you will, but I’m not going to pry it out of you.” He turned back towards the TV and started playing quietly.
“Are you mad?” she asked, venturing further into the room cautiously.
“I think I might be, to be honest. But at the same time, it’s always a possibility with us, isn’t it? That one of us might take a step backwards.” He glanced up, and she noticed this time that his eyes were still hurt, but colder. “Thing is, we need to know how we’re going to handle it when it happens. So, maybe that’s what I’m trying to do. But yeah, I think I’m a little pissed off. Not that you slipped up, but that you didn’t tell me you were having trouble, or that you were struggling, or, hell, I don’t even know if you did any of that. For all I know, you didn’t give it a second thought. I’m not a mind reader.”
“Please, don’t be mad.” She sat on the edge of the cushion on the opposite end of the couch and kept watching him nervously. “I know I should have said something when I brought the damn things from that party home with me.”
“You brought it here?” He stopped playing and stared at her.
Shaking her head, her eyes widened. “No. Never. I wouldn’t do that to you. I knew that much.”
“Then how was it that you were on X the other night if you didn’t bring it here?”
“I took it just before I came inside,” she admitted guiltily, looking down to her hands, noticing her plum nail polish chipped.
“So that’s why you were cycling through all those emotions,” he commented, more to himself than her. She froze, looking up at him. “I’ve been in a relationship with you for something like two years, Bridget. I notice when you do something out of the ordinary, and you were kind of weird that night. Something wasn’t right. I noticed that much, but I didn’t know the reason.”
“Why does everyone have so much faith in me? Why didn’t anyone say something?”
“Why does someone have to? You’re a big girl. If you have something to say, why do we need to pry it out of you? Why don’t you talk to us? Trust? Because if you don’t trust me, I don’t know what the hell we’ve been doing all this time. The sex is fine, but that’s not a reason to be in a committed relationship. Unless—”
“I’ve been faithful to you since that night in London,” she said. “Completely.” He nodded and started strumming the guitar again. It soothed him, she realized. He didn’t even notice the way he strummed the strings, or the look on his face between playing or not, but she saw that it calmed him. “And I am sorry for using. Again.”
“You don’t have to be sorry to me. And trust me, I know how hard that temptation can be. Like I said, I’m hurt that you didn’t talk to me about it. That you decided to give up on yourself.”
She glanced down to her hands, further down to the carpet for a moment, noticing the shapes left in the fibers from their shoes and bare feet. “It gets so overwhelming, you know?” she said quietly. “Like I can’t breathe sometimes. And I keep getting pressure to figure out what I’m going to do, what I’m supposed to do, what I want to do, but you can’t do this, that, or that. Not good enough.”
“What’s not good enough?’ he asked, and she realized he wasn’t strumming the guitar anymore. It had gone quiet. “You? Who says?”
“Not me – not in that way. Zach. The pressure he keeps putting on me to get a career, to figure out what I’m going to do with my life.” She looked up at him. “I’m twenty years old, Tred. How many 20 year olds do you know have their life’s career ahead of them? Know what they want to do? And maybe it’s not some conventional job, but I’ve been keeping him organized and on time, and fixing his schedule. I doubt he even realizes how much I’ve been doing to keep things in order and he says what I do isn’t work? Because it’s for him, it’s not work, but he’d be paying a shitload of money to someone else for doing a quarter of what I do for him. But he refuses to believe me when I say it, so he’s been pressuring me every Goddamn day. ‘You’re still in your pajama’s B. Did you get a job in your pajama’s? Did you leave the house? Did you get a job in the living room, Bridge? Not gonna get a job in the living room, Bridge…’
“And he hounds me about it but it’s not like I’ve been sitting on my ass. No more than he has. Right now he’s more or less on a vacation, so no, I don’t have all that much to do, but when you guys tour? I work just as long, and just as hard as you do. I think I’m allowed not to be busy 15 hours a day. I’m still taking care of the house and going over requests and invites and making his schedule. And I don’t want another job. I actually like doing this. I’m good at it. I just want him to see that. Acknowledge that I’ve worked my ass for him and just let me do it. But every time I try talking to him about it, he says no, and that he can do it all himself and he doesn’t want me relying on him.” She shook her head in confusion. “What the hell other choice have I ever had? Everywhere I go I’m going to be connected to him. Like I can go out and become a waitress? Can you see the headlines? Or, how about a secretary? Should I invite the paparazzi in the lobby or keep them outside in the bushes waiting to catch me going to lunch with a co-worker? I mean,really! He thinks I can just go out and get some random job when going to the grocery store gets me in some tabloid.”
“Well, what about doing what you do for him for someone else? Be a PA to someone else. You’re in Hollywood, Babe. Your experience, and fame is an asset over the others trying to break into the field. You’ll get paid, you won’t be relying on Zach for anything. Just don’t work for Justin or Carter, and you’ll be fine.”
She lifted her eyebrows and laughed snidely. “But if I work for the enemy, it would be even more poetic. Gee, Zach, Nick Carter sees the value in what I do. Funny how you couldn’t.”
Trevor put his guitar down and leaned forward towards the middle of couch, motioning for her to meet him. She leaned forward and rested her chin on her hands before he placed his knuckle under her chin instead and kissed her gently. “You won’t have to worry about what Zach would think if you work for Carter. I’d kill him first.”
“Just because I was with him once—“
“That was enough.” He kissed her again.
“It’s not as if he remembers.”
“He remembers,” Trevor said, sitting back up.
She rolled her eyes, shaking her head slightly. “Hardly.”
“We get the look, Bridge. He remembers.”
“What look?”
“That guy look. Every time we’re stuck in a room together, having to be polite we get the look. The one says starts off with a flicker of ‘oh shit, do you remember I slept with your sister/girlfriend?’ followed in milliseconds by the ‘oh, shit, yeah, you do.’ And we shake hands, compliment each others’ singles and move to our distant corners to avoid each other.”
She laughed lightly. “It’s not that big a deal, is it?”
“It’s not that. It’s just a guy thing. If we ever break up, he’d probably be a little more comfortable around me, but he’ll always be a little awkward with Zach.”
“Why aren’t you, then? We’ve done a heck of a lot more together than I ever did with the Backstreet Boy.”
“We have our moments, Bridget. There was a point in time when I felt like you were a kid sister, too, and we’d talk about how we’d kill the guy that wanted to touch you in any way. Then it turns out, that guy you planned all those horrible things for is your best friend? It’s better than it was in the beginning, but it’s not been easy on him. He’s been through a lot and there are times when we just can’t discuss certain things. Now that it’s been a few years and he sees it’s something more than a hook-up, he’s better, but the first few months we were in our own separate corners on occasion.”
“He doesn’t want me moving in here with you.” There. She said it. Zach didn’t have to say it to her, but each time she mentioned it, she could see the dread in Zach’s face. “He hasn’t said anything, but I know he doesn’t like it.”
Trevor shook his head slowly. “No, he doesn’t like it, but I let him know it was your decision to make. After what you just told me, maybe we’d better hold off.”
“What?” She sat up, moving back to the corner of the couch. Her heart suddenly thumped against her chest with the rush of adrenaline.
“Bridge, you just told me you were using. That doesn’t clear itself up in a day.”
“It does. I have to start one day at a time. I chose today.”
“But there are issues and reasons why you had to choose today and that’s not cleared up in a single meeting. I can’t risk you bringing something in here thinking I’m not going to find it, or notice. I don’t need that kind of temptation.” He moved closer and wiped his fingers across her cheeks, wiping the tears she didn’t even notice. “It’s not a break up, Bridget. We should just be careful about things right now and maybe it’s just too much to handle.”
“Please, don’t.” She dropped her head against his chest and wrapped her arms around him. “That’s why I came here. That’s why I told you so you wouldn’t think I’d do that. So you’d know I never brought it here, so you’d be able to trust me. I was supposed to go home and hang with Zach, but I had to come tell you first so you’d know.”
“Let’s just give ourselves some time to think things through, okay? We don’t have to decide right now.” He kissed the top of her head and rubbed her shoulder, but she didn’t feel any reassurance.
“I should go.” She pulled away from him and stood up, creating a quick distance between them. Now she felt silly, guilty—stupid thinking she should have told him. He never would have known and everything between them would have been fine, at least. Now, instead, she managed to screw up every part of her life. “I’ll call you.”
“Bridget.” Trevor stood up and followed her, catching her arm by the door and pulling her back against him. He held her, lifting her chin up again to kiss her gently. “Don’t panic,” he said firmly. “Do you want to call Zach and tell him to come over here? All of us can—“
“No.” She kissed him quickly, breaking free from him again. “We haven’t spent time alone in a while. Maybe we should, you know, give ourselves some time, right?” She wasn’t going to be able to breathe if she kept looking at him. He looked so sad and hurt, trying so hard to pretend he wasn’t. He couldn’t ever lie to her, she figured. His eyes would always tell her the truth. “I’ll call.”
“When?” he asked, still following behind her as she walked towards her car.
“I don’t know, tomorrow, probably.”
“Tomorrow.” He held the car door open and leaned down to kiss her again. “Don’t freak out, Bridge, please?”
Forcing a smile, she reached out and closed the door. “I’m alright. I just wanted to let you know what was going on, anyway. I felt bad lying.”
He leaned down, resting his arms along the window ledge as she stuck her keys in the ignition. “Thank you – for telling me.” She nodded, forcing another smile. “Bridge? I love you.”
Again, her heart fluttered sharply against her chest. “Love you, too.” She pulled away when he stood back and fought the urge to turn around, or even pull over to cry. This hadn’t been what she wanted. She wanted him to tell her it was okay. She wanted him to say he understood. She didn’t want this to hang in between them, and now, that’s where it was. Between them, stinking the air and making her feel sick.
She knew most of the people in the room and didn’t think twice about walking in, even though Zach had told her to go to bed hours ago. She was bored and her mini bar didn’t have any vodka left. Usually, when Zach was out, Trevor was with him. She had Zach’s key, and with Trevor, all she had to say was that she left something in his room. No one suspected anything, and if they did, they didn’t seem to care all that much anyway.
Tonight, though, she didn’t have to sneak in. She knocked and someone opened the door before wandering away. Trevor was having some kind of party. The lights were low, or dimmed with scarves over the shades, candles were burning, and a bunch of people were lying around smoking. Not your regular cigarette, though, she knew that smell. She knew this smell, too, and wanted to try it again. Her first time was a complete let down. Nothing even happened, but when she sat down and slipped herself into the circle, she took a deep intake of air and held it in her lungs as she passed it to the next person. Again, no one said a word, and she was even handed a beer.
A few minutes later, she felt it. This time there was a huge difference. Everything around seemed to calm down and she could almost catch herself blinking if she tried hard enough. She knew she’d been missing out on something! The music seemed to have its own pulse, and light seemed to have its own shadow.
“Oh, shit,” Trevor mumbled, standing over her. She looked up at him and started to giggle. “Zach is going to fuckin’ kill me if he knows you’re in here. And since when do you drink?”
One of the roadies girlfriends leaned over, squeezing Bridget’s shoulders. “Dude, she’s cool. She’s been hanging. I’m keeping my eye on her.”
“She needs to get the hell out of here is what she needs to do.”
“I’m going.” She pushed herself up from the floor and almost lost her balance, but giggled anyway. “And I promise, not a word to Zach. I won’t tell if you won’t.”
“Go.” That was all he said before he turned away from her and turned his attention to some girl she never saw before. Probably someone from the show that night who managed to get backstage. Another one. She wondered if he actually ever bothered to learn their names, or how they knew they were supposed to respond to ‘baby.’
She didn’t think too hard about that, though, and simply fell asleep. She missed that kind of sleep, now. After being stoned, a few drinks, her sleep was black and dreamless and while she drifted off, she could focus on her muscles relaxing instead of what the schedule was the next day and what time they needed to get up, and whether or not she packed everything, and if Zach needed her to pick up anything before they got on the bus, or plane. That was the start of everything. A stupid party in Trevor’s room, and no one in their right mind was going to tell Zach they were in there, much less saw his sister in there. Not every night was like that, though.
It was hot, and in the older hotels, the air conditioning wasn’t necessarily working well, or air conditioned at all. She had on a tee shirt and a pair of shorts and was tired of tossing and turning in her bed trying to sleep. Peering up and down the hallway to make sure no one saw her, she knocked on his door quietly. He answered in a pair of boxers, visibly sweating in the heat. “Bridge…” he started and she pushed into his room quickly, making sure he closed the door behind her.
“I can’t sleep.” She sat on the edge of his bed Indian style and lifted her ponytail up off her back. “You must have something that can help me drop off.”
“What the hell? I’m not some kind of dealer, Bridget.”
“Then give me his number and I’ll call him – but I need something. I’m overtired and hotter than hell, and just need to get to sleep. Please? I can go somewhere else if you don’t want to share.” She could see he had already taken his own cocktail. His eyes were red and watery, the look behind them dull and fading.
“This is the first and last time, you got that?”
It wasn’t. She continued to experiment and ended up at most of the parties in his room. When he kicked her out, she’d end up at some other party the roadies were having, or doing something in her room instead. Anything was better than the boredom of another hotel room.
When the knock came at the door, Trevor knew it had to be Bridget. No one else was coming to his room at that hour. He’d already kicked her out of the party earlier and she promised she’d go back to her room. He almost believed it when he saw Carlos through the peephole, and opened the door.
“Dude, you gotta come with me,” Carlos whispered nervously.
“What’s wrong now?”
“Bridget,” he said even more quietly. “They gave her some K and she’s flipping out.”
“Who the hell gave her K?” he asked gruffly, pulling on a pair of sweat pants. He pulled a tee shirt over his head as he followed Carlos down the stairwell to his floor and he could hear Bridget whimpering from one of the rooms. A few people stood in the doorway, looking in before Trevor pushed them out of the way and demanded to alone with her. “Bridge? Baby? It’s Tred, okay? I’m right next to you. It’s just a little bit after 2, Baby. You’re going to be just fine.” He sat next to her and reached out to smooth her hair out of her wild eyes, darting relentlessly around the room. “You’re having a bad trip, that’s all. It’s going to pass, and you’ll be just fine.” He took hold of her hands and squeezed. “Take a deep breath for me, Baby. You can do it. Take a nice deep breath. Relax, I’m right here with you and I’m going to make sure nothing bad happens to you. I’m going to be right here while you finish this trip. Nothing bad is going to happen to you.”
“It’s waiting for me at the door,” she told him. “It’s gonna pounce.”
“Nope, it’s not. I’m going to make sure of it. Nothing is going to pounce at you. I’ve sent everyone away. There’s no one at the door. I told you, I’m going to take care of you. Just relax and take some deep breaths and finish the trip. It’s safe now. I’m going to protect you.”
She refused to move from the spot where she had fallen. Her legs were asleep, and she was unable to move. Hours later, she was vomiting into the garbage pail he had placed next to them. He was right by her side the whole time, sitting on the floor next to her and telling her it was all over.
Zach would think she had the 24-hour flu, or something, and she’d be sick for a while, maybe a day or two depending on how much she’d taken, but she was back in reality and out of the K-Hole.
From that point on, Trevor took her under his wing and made sure that no one else was giving her anything. In his own twisted mind, he thought she’d be safer with him, even if he was just as wasted, if not more. Although she had her own ways of sneaking experiments in and partying while he wasn’t around, when she knew she’d done something stupid, she would seek him out and not tell him what she’d done. She’d just go along with whatever he was doing and that was how she ended up naked beneath him in his bed, barely aware that she was losing her virginity to him. He thought she was drunk and friendly, and he’d done enough X that her ‘friendly’ was like foreplay.
For Bridget, the room was spinning, and the lights flickering from the TV were memorizing, distracting her from anything that was happening with her body until she felt the searing pain of his entry. By then, it was too late to say anything like she was scared that she was being torn in half. She clamped her eyes together, wondering if she’d actually feel her whole body split, wondering what they’d do with the pieces when he was done. She heard that lizards re-grow their tails, would she be able to put herself back together if he didn’t split her entirely. Is that what that Humpty-Dumpty rhyme was about? If she could still feel her toes on both feet, she must still be connected somehow, right?
“Don’t tell Zach,” she managed to say realizing Trevor had done whatever it was he was supposed to do and she was still in one piece.
“I was just about the say the same thing to you,” he said, rolling over and taking a long drink of Jack Daniels before offering her the bottle. “You alright? I didn’t hurt you or anything, did I?”
“Don’t tell Zach,” she replied, taking the JD from him.
“I won’t, Baby.” He kissed her forehead and sat up slightly, reaching for his cigarettes and turning up the TV with the remote. “But you should get back to your room in case he decides to check on you. I’ll catch you later.”
More than anything their sex was convenience, and there were usually plenty of convenient groupies in line before her. She had no idea if he was any good sexually for years, although they didn’t really sleep together all that much. More times than she could remember, she was too numb or wasted to really know or care what was being done to her. She just knew that it was something people liked about her and if she used it correctly, she wasn’t alone in her room as often.
Trevor went into rehab and part of his treatment was telling Zach exactly what he knew about Bridget, what he’d done with her, but also, how he’d tried to watch out for her as best he could.
“ I know you said you wanted to support me,” Trevor started, sitting in the light green rec room of re-hab, “but I want you to know that I understand if you change your mind after what I have to tell you.”
“What do you mean?”
Trevor could see Zach was worried. When he came through the doors and looked around the hallway waiting for him, hands dug deep into his pockets with nerves, his complexion was sickly, pale with bright red cheeks and even under his eyes was ruddy. That intensity of care, and Trevor had to tell him he’d been taking advantage of his little sister and showing her how to do drugs for the last seven months. He knew he didn’t like what he’d done very much, he couldn’t imagine Zach forgiving him in the least.
“You don’t know how much I’ve done, and when you find out, you have every right to never speak to me again. And I don’t mean this in any guilt kind of thing, either. It’s the God’s honest truth because I can barely stand what I’ve done.”
“What are you on about?”
“You need to watch out for Bridget, Zach.”
“Bridget? Why?”
“She’s in trouble, Zach. Yeah, I know every addict goes through the phase that anyone that does anything illegal is doomed, but it’s not like that. She’s deep in this mess. I tried to keep her out of it, but she kept coming back. I did my best to keep her safe while she was in it, but I didn’t do that great of a job. I used her as much as I’ve used anything else. And I’m telling you, she’s in trouble.”
When Bridget pulled away and left so quickly, Trevor felt the same fear and just as responsible, but he knew the danger signs. One meeting did not change the events that led up to her using again. She had a lot more to deal with than getting some job because that’s what Zach wanted. If she was using around him, he wondered if maybe there something between them he’d missed. Why was she hiding from him? Was there too much pressure to move in? Was she ready for that kind of relationship with him? He knew he was older than Bridget, but she insisted it didn’t bother her. It certainly didn’t bother him. But maybe this was showing the cracks. Maybe this was showing them that maybe it was bigger than they realized. Did he want to move in and settle down before she was ready? Did she still want to go out and play the field more? Did she think they needed something ‘new’ in the relationship and that was her way of doing it?
Or was he freaking out about something that he didn’t need to freak out about? After everything they’d been through. After seeing that hurt look in her eye when he put the brakes on her moving in? He stood in the driveway and listened to the gates close in the dark, her car long gone down the hill. He knew the danger signs and in order to protect what he had, and preserve what they had, he had to be the one to take the step back and force them to explore their feelings.
That didn’t mean he had to cut her off, and instead of waiting for her to call him – which he knew she wasn’t going to do – he would call her, leave a message on her machine. Before he even got into the house, he had his cell phone out and was listening to the message on her machine. “Hey, just wanted you to have something waiting on your machine when you got home. I love you and we’ll work everything out and…I love you. Call me tomorrow, Baby. Have a good night. Bye.” It had to be enough. He couldn’t give in and just hope. In order for them to survive, they had to do all the work – no shortcuts.
‘…we’ll work everything out and…I love you…’
“What’s up with Tred?” Zach asked standing in the doorway.
She wiped the tear from her cheek and turned to face him. “I told him.” Zach took half a second before he opened his arms out to her letting her come to him and rest her head on his shoulder before she started crying. “I messed everything up, Zach.”
“No, you didn’t,” he said, rubbing her back slowly. “Just a bump in the road.”
“I’m sick of the bumps, Zach.” He felt her cry harder, holding onto his tee shirt with her fists. “I’m sick of being the one that can’t get it right!”
“Hey, hey!” He held her more tightly. “No. That’s not what happened, B.”
“I keep screwing up, Zach. I just want to be done with all this, and all I seem to do is bring it all back up.”
He led her over to the chair in the corner and sat her down, lowering down onto his knees in front of her, clasping her hands in his. “Bridget, you can’t be done with anything until you actually deal with it. All the hurt. All the anger. All the fear. You’ve managed to acknowledge its all there. That’s a step, but you need to do more than acknowledge it. You can’t leave it behind. You have to learn how to live with it.”
“Isn’t that what we’ve been doing? Haven’t we both been living with it? Aren’t you just sick of living with it already, Zach?”
“What, Bridget?” He searched her face, trying to figure out what she was referring to. “What are we living with?”
“Mom!”
“What about mom, B?” She shook her head slowly, side-to-side, sniffling and teary. “What about her?” he asked more pointedly. “What are we living with?”
“She never did it to you, did she?” she asked slowly, sitting back into the chair, looking a little confused and bewildered.
“Did what?”
“She blamed me, Zach. That’s why she focused on you so much. You didn’t let her down. You didn’t disappoint her.”
“She didn’t say that!”
Bridget pulled her hands free and pulled back into the chair. “The hell she didn’t! Why do you think I was left with Mrs. Suber? Why do you think I wasn’t allowed to be around rehearsals? I was a distraction. I was in the way. ‘Stop being in the way, Bridget. Just go sit down already, Bridget. If you had any talent, Bridget, I would let you do that, but you just don’t have the talent like your brother does, now stop being such a nuisance and let us work. Someone has to take care of this family.’ I’ve been a burden and in the way all my life, Zach. She was on the phone with a boarding school when she died, Zach. She was trying to send me away when she died. And ever since, I’ve been in the way, or not good enough, or not smart enough, not pretty enough. I’m tired of it. She never did it to you. Part of me kept thinking that she did the same thing to you when I wasn’t there, but she never did, did she? She never did. You were the one she loved. I was a mistake she couldn’t get rid of.”
“Bridget! No! She never…”
“She did! Bridget, the mistake she couldn’t live down, the mistake she couldn’t get rid of.”
“You’re not a mistake, and you’re not some stupid burden! You’re my sister and I don’t even want to think of what my life would be without you! Do you hear me? You’re not a mistake. You’re my family, B. Nothing else matters to me. None of it. The music, the recording, the lifestyle. None of this matters to me. You’re what matters because eventually, all of this is going to belong to someone else. You’re going to be by my side forever. I’m going to be your big brother, and by your side – like I’ve always been for you – forever. You’re not even close to a mistake. You’re a huge comfort. Mom was messed up, Bridget. I know she did a lot for me, and she did a lot to get us what we have today, but if I knew she was doing that to you, I would have stepped in sooner. I would have made sure that you were with me more, and not shoved aside. She was completely fucked up, Bridge. And I don’t ever want you thinking you’re some kind of mistake!” He made her look at him, holding onto her hands again. “We’re family. We’re what matters – you and me – and we’re what’s important. Not something mom said. Not anything dad didn’t do. It’s always been about us, and it’s always going to be about us. We’re the one’s who are still standing, B. We’re the one’s that get to make something out of this, and I’m going to make damn sure we make it something good.”
“
Hey, how is she?” Trevor asked.
Zach looked down the empty hallway and listened for a second. “I think she’s still sleeping. We had one hell of a night last night.”
“Think she’ll want to see me?”
“I think she’d love it. If you brought breakfast, you’d be even more of a hero.”
“To who? You?”
“A few Egg McMuffins, maybe, some hash browns…”
“Zach, how was your night?” Trevor asked, suddenly serious.
He was quiet a moment, somehow not expecting that question, although he knew Trevor was concerned about him, too. “I’ve had better, but there have definitely been much, much worse. We talked, a lot. I think we made some progress.”
“But what about you? How are you holding up?”
“If I could get some breakfast, I might be better,” Zach answered, forcing a smile into this voice. If he thought too hard about everything, he wouldn’t be able to think straight. His mother had been hard on him. He knew that. She put pressure on him to perform, to provide for his family at a very young age. He didn’t know what he would have done had he heard her say those things to Bridget back then. He wasn’t even sure he hadn’t and simply chose to pretend he didn’t. He didn’t want to think too hard about it. He was too tired. They had only gone to bed a few hours ago, but when he closed his eyes, his brain churned on what Bridget had said, and he only wondered how many times he pretended not to hear his mother’s abuse.
“We’ll talk later?” It wasn’t really a question, more of a certainty.
“Yeah.” Zach nodded, although he knew Trevor couldn’t see him. Relieved he didn’t have to go deeper into it. “Later.”
Trevor handed Zach a McDonalds bag when he walked in a while later. He could see it had been a rough night on Zach, but his blue eyes lit up when he saw double hash browns and two Egg McMuffins. “Dude! You rock!”
“She freak out about not moving in?”
“Dude, you really told her not to?” he asked, his mouth full of hash browns. Trevor nodded quietly. “It started there, but turned into this whole other nightmare. Did you get something to drink?”
“Do I look like a drive thru?” he asked with a laugh. “And I told her we needed to think about things because if she was using, there were larger issues going on than one meeting of ‘just say no.’ I didn’t say she couldn’t – I just said we might want to wait for a bit.”
“That’s not what she heard.”
“I figured. She sleeping?”
“Yeah, and for the record, when you get breakfast, it usually involves coffee, dude.” He patted Tred’s shoulder as he headed down the hallway to make coffee, but they both knew it was thanks for his concern and not necessarily for bringing McDonalds. “But thanks for the rest.”
“We’ll go get a real breakfast once she’s up, okay?” Tred tapped lightly on her door, opening it slowly and peered into the semi-darkness. She held a pillow to her chest, curled up on her side with her long legs peeking out from the blanket. When he sat behind her, sliding his hand along her back gently, she moaned and moved just slightly away. “Sleeping Beauty,” he whispered, lowering to kiss her cheek gently and slip his fingers through her hair.
“Don’t,” she mumbled, waving her hand around her head lazily.
“It’s morning,” he continued. “We want to get breakfast. Roscoe’s – you know you want to come, too.”
“Not hungry.” She turned her face into the pillow and moved onto her back for a moment before pulling her head up. “Roscoe’s?” She blinked at Trevor sleepily as he chuckled lightly. “What’re you doing here anyway?”
“Heard you had a bit of a night,” he said, leaning over to kiss her nose. “You okay?”
“I’ve probably been better.” She dropped back onto the pillow and stretched her arms around his waist, tugging slightly at him before he slid down the mattress and lay back against the headboard. She curled up against him, resting her head on his chest, and closing her eyes, inhaling the fruity scent of his cologne and soap. “I didn’t think I’d see you for a while.” She opened her palm on his chest and he could still feel her sleep soaking his skin with warmth.
“Well, you thought wrong.” He tugged her hair playfully and smiled when she lifted her head to look up at him. “I didn’t say we were breaking up, Bridge. I just said we needed some time to get our heads straight.”
“You mean I needed time,” she corrected, putting her head back down on his chest.
“I needed time to process what you told me, too. I got scared, what else can I say? I left a message for you – did you get it?” He looked over towards her answering machine and noticed it wasn’t blinking. “I kind of hoped you’d get an idea that I wasn’t pissed off. Just freaked out.”
“I got the message. And now that I’ve had some time to chill out, yeah, I guess I got that. I just wasn’t thinking straight last night and panicked.” She lifted her head again to him. “I’m sorry, though, for doing that. I don’t blame you for freaking out or wanting a break.”
“I didn’t say I wanted a break.” He slid down to lie beside her. “I said we needed to get our heads straight. I didn’t say we had to do it separately. Maybe not under the same roof at the moment, but certainly not alone. I want to be there for you, Bridge. I want you to talk to me and tell me what’s going on.”
“Right now, I don’t want to talk. I talked a lot last night with Zach. I’m just so relieved to see you this morning.” She touched his face, letting her fingernails scratch the stubble of his beard lightly before tracing the shape of his lips. “I really, really, had myself convinced that I wasn’t going to see you again. And if I did, you were going to be breaking up with me.”
“That’s why I called you,” he said, trying to catch her finger with his mouth. “I knew you were freaking out – even though I said you shouldn’t – and I wanted you to have that message because by the time you got back here, you’d have us never speaking to each other again and off into the dramatics of it all. I see it didn’t help much.”
“It did.” She kissed him quickly. “But last night was about a lot more than us.”
He blinked at her, grinning mischievously. “There’s something more than us?”
“Not a lot.” She wrinkled her nose. “But once in a while, you know.”
He slid down further on the mattress and pulled her close. “I suppose.”
“Hey—“ Zach walked in the room and turned around. “Aw, man…”
“We’re not doing anything!” Bridget protested, leaning up on her elbow.
“I gave you food so you’d be occupied!” Trevor added with a laugh.
Zach turned around and peered at them through the slits between his fingers as he covered his eyes with hand. “I’d need a hell of a lot more food than 2 Egg McMuffins and some hash browns, dude. You know that! That’s what I was coming in here about. Roscoe’s?” He pointed to the bed, alternating between them. “Roscoe’s? You in? You? In? Food? Soon? Either of you?”
“He mentioned something about that,” Bridget said. “We just got a little distracted.”
“Yeah, putting the two of you in a bed, and you get distracted. Go figure. Dude! Get out of the bed with my sister in it!”
Bridget looked at Trevor and laughed. “Why?”
“Because…” Zach waved his hand around, “I feel like it.”
“Yeah, whatever.” She dropped back down and draped a leg over Trevor’s waist.
“Aw, now, see? That’s what I’m talking about!” Zach motioned to them again. “I’ll give y’all a half hour and then I’m leaving without you.”
“Just hold off for another half hour, Tred,” Bridget teased, patting his chest, “then we can go at it like bunnies.”
Zach arched an eyebrow. “If that’s all you want to do, we can be out of here in about five minutes knowing Tred.” He cackled playfully and headed out the door, letting it close behind him.
“You know, it doesn’t have to take all that long.” She raised her leg up and down slowly over his groin. She slid further and lifted herself up to straddle his waist, letting her hair slide over her shoulders. It’s length just about grazed his chest and she lowered just enough and shook her head so it would tickle his neck on her way to kissing him. “Think you’re up to it?”
“Not if your brother is going to walk in here any second,” he laughed uncomfortably.
She shifted a little more over his waist with her own mischievous grin. “Kinda makes it that much more interesting, though, doesn’t it? Will he? Won’t he?” She sat up and started lifting her shirt up but he grabbed her wrists, stopping her. “It’s not like you can hide that you want to.”
“I always want to, Baby. But Zach--”
She slid off his lap and hurried to the door, turning the lock in the handle. When she turned back to him, she slowly lifted the hem of her shirt and slid it over her torso, tossing it at him as she made her way back to the bed, and stepped out of her panties, leaving them on the floor. “We don’t need to take all day.” Her fingers unclasped his belt and jeans and he lifted his hips as she slid them down his legs, exposing his already stiff dick. “Just long enough to—“ She straddled him again, guiding his length into her and moaned quietly in pleasure.
“Damn, you’re ready for me.” Lifting his hips up against her, he reached out to cup her bare breasts and fondled her erect nipples. “That’s it, baby,” he mumbled, “so good.” In minutes, he slid his hands to her waist, holding on and guiding her against him rapidly.
She leaned forward, lowering her mouth to his ear and whispered, “Zach’s probably right outside the door. Think he can hear us?”
“I sure as fuck hope not,” Trevor grunted, coming close to his orgasm. “But if he is – its all her fault. She made me.” He pushed up against her, bringing her hips down as he came, biting his lips to keep from making too much noise. “God damn you’re good to me.”
“Now be good to me, baby,” she coaxed. “Don’t quit just yet. I’m almost there.”
“How about I do this instead?” He slid out from her and slid down the mattress until he was between her legs and guided her down until he could taste her wetness and suck gently on the gentle folds of her pussy. His tongue lingered over her clit, flicking and sucking on it before sliding his tongue deep inside, trying to keep in a rhythm with her. He could hear her moaning, and soon, he was sucking her juices as she came, shuddering and shivering above him. She rolled onto her back next to him, catching her breath, grinning broadly. “So, that was okay?”
“Mornings can be pretty fucking amazing sometimes,” she giggled.
“Would you guys knock it off?” Zach whined from the doorway. “You said breakfast, dude!”
She turned to look at Trevor and cackled. “Ten minutes, Z! I’m just getting in the shower, now.”
Zach drove with Bridget sitting in the back, leaning forward to wrap her arms
around Trevor in the passenger seat. He had the top down, and music blared
from the stereo as Zach wound down the Hollywood Hills. “So? Later
on—you want to go over some of the songs for Ken?”
“Yeah, we can do that,” Trevor said, rubbing his hand along Bridget’s arm. “On the way back, stop at my place and I’ll pick up my guitar. I was thinking, too, this album, maybe we could leave some more of the acoustic on it like we did with ‘Cat Food.’ Our best response to anything we ever did off that album was the acoustic stuff.”
“Doubt Ken will go for it.”
“It’ll be a fight, but what isn’t with him? Besides, I wrote this song that just needs to be minimal. It’s vocals and acoustic and adding much more to it would destroy it.”
“Which song is that, Baby?” Bridget asked.
“You don’t know it. I only finished it last night.” He glanced over his shoulder at her with a quick smile. “You can’t hear it yet.”
“What? Since when?” she asked, leaning forward between the seats.
“Since last night.”
“We’ll drop her after and go back to your place then because she’s not going to be hanging all over you if you’re there,” Zach said. “We couldn’t even get to breakfast.”
“Hey!” Bridget protested. “I didn’t mean for it to happen. I just couldn’t help myself.”
Zach lifted a finger up in warning. “Don’t need to know.”
She giggled and ran her hands over Trevor’s chest. Trevor just placed his hand over hers, holding it in place. “Aw, Zach, come on…it’s not like you don’t know.”
“Yeah, knowing is one thing, but details are another, okay? Is it enough to know that we hooked up, or do you really want to know what Jenny and I did?”
She pulled back from Trevor and held a hand up. “Yeah, hooking up is enough, thanks. Point made. Saw way too much of her little sexcpades tape than I ever needed to. If it had been you on that tape, I may have puked.”
“Common courtesy, Bridge, that’s all I asking.”
“Well, damn! What the hell are we going to get him for his birthday now, Bridge? He’s not gonna like our sexcapades tape!”
Zach laughed and pointed at Trevor. “I’ll kill you.”
“Not before I’d hurl myself off the Crapitol building. This ass will never be caught on a sex tape.”
“Aside from the fact that you don’t have an ass,” Zach added. Bridget nodded solemnly into the rearview mirror. “And your girl back there agrees with me.”
Trevor turned to the backseat in mock horror. “You love my skinny non-existent ass!”
She patted his head with a broad grin. “Yes, dear, I love your skinny, non-existent ass. That’s not to say that I don’t agree that it’s skinny and non-existent. You make up for it in other things, okay, Sweetie?”
“Damn right I do!” he crowed proudly, turning back around in his seat. Bridget passed another look to Zach in the rearview mirror playfully, sticking her tongue out at him afterwards.
So, I knew when I started this that I was going to suck at keeping it up to date, but as usual, drama happens and the best laid plans get all messed up. For those of you reading this for actual news, I have some, sort of! As I type, Zach and Tred are at Tred’s place working on some new material for the album. They met with the stuffed shirts (cracks me up when they’re called that because I know Ken and he’s not a stuffed shirt. He works out and could probably stuff a shirt well, but it’s more like he fills them out. Nicely, I might add. In case you don’t know Ken, he’s a great guy and has made sure DS was taken care of every time. We love Ken and his silly Mountain Man drawl! LOL!) and all agree its time for a new album. Between the two of them they could, as usual, release a double album, but it never is. So, there you go, news!
Tred’s place is almost done with renovations and he’s got a really sweet studio built in. No one may ever see the boys again once it’s all finished and whatever. They’ll spend all their time going between our studio and Tred’s and maybe McDonalds because Zach’s got a thing for Egg McMuffins. Whatever you do, if you bring him breakfast, bring him something to drink with it so he doesn’t whine at you in between bites. (Coffee, light and sweet, for the record. Sweeter the better because ew, he doesn’t actually want to taste the coffee!) My brother is a complete dork!
And me? I also have a good stake in that family trait. A lot of stupid, too. I’m sad to report that I fell off the wagon. I am now 2 days sober. After being sober for 2-plus years, I went ahead and swallowed some of the X I’d been given at a party. Every doctor will tell you that X isn’t addictive, but to me – it may as well be. It’s not that the X does things chemically to make me want it, I just want it. I just want it so I don’t have to think and I really like the way it makes me feel, so it’s dangerous for me. And I went ahead and did it like an ass. All sorts of drama unfolded when they found out. Zach found it looking for some papers in my room, and in a way, I’m kind of proud of him. He confronted me about it, and contacted my sponsor when I fought him about it. A few years ago, the whole thing would have spiraled out of control. But I’ve been to a meeting and will be talking to a professional about things again.
I know it doesn’t look like my life could be all that difficult, but trust me, when you grow up with our parents, and your big brother is stupid famous, there are issues. I struggle every day trying to forgive my mother for dying and it sounds so mean and stupid to even say that, but it’s the truth. Zach tries hard to forgive her for pushing him like she did. There was so much pressure put on him – you don’t even know the half of it. And you’ve seen him, when someone asks him about it, he always smiles and says it’s good because he was able to take care of the ones he loves. Part of him believes that, I know he does, but part of him has to be really pissed off for having to do it. I don’t think he’ll ever admit it to me because that would mean he’d have to say he resents being my guardian after mom died and he never will. But really, think of it – how many 18 year olds do you know want to raise a 13 year old when you’re touring and could be getting laid and partying every night? Instead, he sat with me in a hotel room for a year while I adjusted and had to figure out tutors and lessons (another reason I love Ken so much, he helped us out a lot in all of that and found me some really cool tutors.), and minders for when he was working all day and night and I couldn’t just hang in the room with them. Truly a joy for some international pop star on top of the world, right?
Where was going with all of this…? I don’t even know anymore. It was a long night and neither of us got much sleep for talking about issues. And then Tred came in and woke me up – which I’m not going to complain because I thought in all my drama that we were breaking up. We’re not! ::Phew!:: So, he woke me up and were hanging in the sheets for a bit before Zach needed Roscoe’s.
So, that’s what’s going on for the moment, I suppose. I need to make some appointments for Zach and me. What do you all think? Should Zach and Tred do Leno? Ha! As if you’d say no!