Boys Club
By Cori

'I'm going to the middle of fucking nowhere,' I tell myself, exhaling heavily against the window and slumping still further down into one of the most uncomfortable seats known to man. It wasn't enough to be put on a plane, seeing as I don't like to fly in the first place, and then from that plane, to something smaller, and then getting on this 'short bus' so we can announce to everyone between Lexington and wherever this Godforsaken place is that I'm some Boy's Club loser. And this Godforsaken place just gets further and further away it seems. The brochure did show a lot of mountains, wood cabins and a swimming hole. Maybe the reason it was so far away was because it hadn't caught up to the 20th Century yet. At this point, I'll be shocked if there's indoor plumbing and electricity.

We rattle on, turning more corners and leave some small po-dunk town behind and head even further away from there. I'm convinced now that this place doesn't exist. It's just a brochure and I have no doubt this is just an excuse to take me out back and shoot me without any witnesses. They warned me I was getting myself into trouble, but come on!

The bus slows down and we turn onto basically a gravel path and start climbing upwards, more twists and turns until I can see the cabins and campground in the headlights from the bus. There are two people standing outside a big wooden cabin, waving casually as the driver waves to them, and finally we stop. But I'm in no rush to get out, even if I'm sick of being on this bus. If I get out, they're likely to keep me here for the two months I've been assigned and by the looks of what I see, I'd rather face Juvenile Detention.

"Ah, come on, Blondie," one of the guys on the bus says to me, knocking my shoulder. "Nothing to worry about…except a few mosquito bites and maybe poison ivy."

I scoff at him, slowly pushing myself up as the two people outside step closer to the bus. "Like you'd know?"

"I would," he answers with a grin, turning just in time as one of the guys outside gets on one of the steps and groans. "Hey, Kev!"

"You're back again?" 'Kev' says with a laugh, shaking his head. He rests a tanned, muscular arm on the bar in front of the seat and smiles. "AJ, I'm beginning to think you might be getting in trouble just because you like me."

"Don't go thinking that," AJ answers, swinging his knapsack over his shoulder. "You have any idea how freakin' hot Florida gets in the summer?"

Kev exhales heavily and pushes him playfully as AJ goes down the steps with a laugh. The next one in the aisle is the quiet, dark haired guy. He's been sitting in the back of the bus, snoring most of the way, but somehow seems wide-awake now. "Kevin?" he asks, extending his hand out. "Good to meet you. Howie."

"Hi, Howie, good to have you on staff." He shakes Howie's hand and places a hand on his shoulder, turning to look at me. "That leaves you. You're Carter, right?"

"Yeah," I mumble, forcing my stiff legs to shift and move me down the aisle.

"It ain't as bad as all that," he chuckles at me, smirking playfully. I can't even respond. I just step out of the bus and get smacked in the face by heat and humidity, the sound of…damn, frogs? And crickets. Not another sound to be heard, either, other than Kevin's chuckling behind me. "City kid, aren't you?" I turn to look at his amused smile and he shakes his black hair out of his eyes. "They all have that reaction. You'll get used to it."

"Used to what?" I ask, trying hard to keep an edge in my voice.

AJ comes up behind me, knocking his shoulder into mine. "The nothingness," he says. "Whole lotta nothin'."

"Not enough to keep you from coming back though, is it?" This time it's the other guy, the blonde one that had been standing next to Kevin when we pulled up.

"Like I told him," he points to Kevin, "do you have any freakin' idea how hot it gets in the summer at home?"

"Ready to get settled?" Kevin asks, coming up and putting his arm around my shoulder. I, of course, immediately step away and glare at him. Who the hell does he think he is? He takes a step back with a single nod and starts towards the cabin in front of us, and AJ motions for me to follow, pulling off his tee shirt and handing his knapsack to the blonde guy.

"They have to do a search," he says, looking over his shoulder at me with an easy smile. Why the hell is he so damn happy to be here? It's like Siberia…but hot! And humid. Kind of miserable, if you want to know the truth. And when we step inside, he starts dumping his pockets out on the long table just inside the door. He wasn't kidding about a search, was he?

"Don't look so freaked out," he says. "Unless you brought something you shouldn't have. Did you?" He nods to the Howie guy with a smile. "Kevin, you're slackin' already. You're supposed to look over this stuff," he says, motioning to his wallet, pack of cigarettes, lighter and pack of gum on the table. Then looks back over to me. "Did you? What'd ya try to sneak in?"

"Nothing!" I snap back at him, pulling back from him. He's a freak! And now he's talking non-stop. I managed to ignore him most of the way here, but I guess he's found a freakin' audience. Talk to them. Leave me out of this.

Then Blonde-Dude steps up next to Howie. "You need to empty your pockets," he says to me. "We go through everything to make sure they don't bring in something…drugs, alcohol, food."

"Food?" I scoff. "Careful of them contraband Twinkies, man!"

"Laced with…?" Blonde-Dude says, looking at me sternly. I roll my eyes at him, dumping my wallet onto the table, patting the rest of my pockets to prove there's nothing more. He looks back over to Howie. "Some guys will try anything to get their fixes," he continues talking to Howie, who nods back at him. "You want to check the pockets, make sure there's nothing stuck between something."

"I'm not some druggie," I snap.

"We're required to check," he explains to me with a quick glance, showing Howie how to check through things.

"Did you check him?" I ask, nodding my chin towards Howie. Hell, if they're checking, they have to check everyone, right?

Not skipping a beat, Howie reaches into his pockets and starts emptying things onto the table. "Go ahead, take a look," he tells me.

I pick up the wallet and bust into a laugh. "Howard?" I laugh. "Your parents don't like you very much, do they?" Blonde-Dude takes the wallet from me and hands it back to Howard and hands me mine back. "Kevin's going through your bag," he tells me, motioning over behind him. "Once he's done, he'll show you where you're staying."

"Do we not get food at all?" I ask. "Or is everything laced with meth and suspect?"

He's not amused, but that's fine with me 'cause I'm not all that amused either. I am, however, starving. Blonde-Dude heads over to the driver and they exchange a few words. "Sorry. Didn't know your flight was delayed. Thought you'd already ate. I'll get something from the kitchen while you're waiting for Kevin to finish up." He looks to Howie. "I'll give the kitchen tour," he says with a tilt of his head for Howie to follow. I'm left there alone until I hear AJ and Kevin in the small room off the entryway I'm standing in and head in that direction.

"Who's the Blonde guy?" I ask.

Kevin looks up from my knapsack and furrows his furry eyebrows at me. "Brian."

I lean against the doorframe and cross my arms. "Brian needs an attitude adjustment."

All Kevin does is look at me, his expression unchanging, but he nods barely with his lips tight together and returns to the knapsack, feeling clothing, rifling through pages of magazines and books. He neatly packs the bag back up and hands it to me. "I'll be right back," he says, leaving me alone in the room with AJ, who's contently smoking a cigarette.

"Don't look so miserable," he tells me, letting a steam of blue smoke escape through the window he's sitting in. "Kevin's a veritable Bing Crosby in 'Boy's Town.' It ain't as bad as all that."

"Yeah," I mutter, leaning back against the doorframe and look over my shoulder in the direction Kevin's gone. "And who're you? Mickey Rooney?"

AJ cackles, flicking the cigarette out of the window. "I'm a hell of a lot taller, man." He walks over to me and extends his hand. "And I'm AJ McLean."

I turn to look at him, down to his hand, and back up to his face which is still grinning. I swear to God he's happy to be here. "Nick Carter." I shake his hand if only to make him leave me alone.

"What's your crime?" he asks, moving back and sitting in the open windowsill. I shrug and try to ignore him. None of his business, is what I want to tell him, but figure it might be better to wait and see who I may need as a friend. From what I've been told there's a group of fifteen here, most of them on the verge of a detention center like myself. And probably have done a lot worse things than I have.

"Nick?" Kevin's head appears in the doorway down the hall, and I'm beckoned in that direction. I start thinking maybe I shouldn't have said something about this Brian-guy. It's not a good idea to start making enemies, is it? Especially if one of them is in charge of your life for the next eight weeks.

I go down the hall and into the kitchen, sleek stainless steel counters and refrigerators and stuff gleaming in the fluorescent lights. Brian's standing next to Kevin behind a counter with a sandwich and a bag of chips sitting on a plate in front of them. When he sees me, Brian gives me a sheepish smile and walks around the counter, extending his hand. "Sorry, Nick," he says, and damn it if I don't almost believe him. "I thought the drill had been explained to you." I shake his hand, but have no idea what to say to him. I manage a quick smile, but keep my distance from them. "I don't really cook, but managed to make a sandwich. That okay?"

"Uh…yeah," I shrug, "sure."

"Cool." He nods quickly and slides the plate over to me. "The dining hall's this way." He starts across the room, and I take the plate and reluctantly follow. 'I didn't want to make friends, dude,' I want to say. 'I can eat alone if you just show me where the hell I'm supposed to go to be left that way.' Ironic, isn't it? Here I am in nowhere and can't shake company. Fucked up.

I'm led into a huge room, long tables lined up against each other into long rows, dark wooden walls, shined tiled floors. Looks like a really expensive boarding school. Brian sits at the end of one table and motions for me to sit across from him, so I do, dropping my bag at my feet and look down to the plate as I start eating, hoping this won't take too long.

"So, Kevin asked me to explain the routine to you," Brian starts and I glance up at him as I chew. "It's kinda late tonight, so you'll get the tour of the grounds in the morning. Tomorrow morning you'll get up at 7:00 and meet here for breakfast. At about 8:00, you'll check the board and see which chores you have for the day. Each chore needs to be done before dinner and you'll be working with at least one other person. We try to make sure you get to work in some kind of team environment usually. We have lunch from 1:00 till about 2 or so, and then in the afternoon you'll meet up the whole group and there's usually some kind of game or hike planned until dinner. Dinner's about 5 or 6, depending on the activity, and you'll get a few hours to yourself in the evening. Chores change regularly, and you'll work with different people each week. You'll share a cabin with the same person, though. In case you haven't figured it out, you'll be bunking with AJ." I look up to him with, I guess, panic on my face and Brian smiles warmly. "He's a handful, but I think you'll like him. Most people get along with him. And if you do have a problem, all you have to do is see me, Kevin or Howie and we'll get it sorted out, okay?" The sandwich is gone, and so are most of the chips. "Any questions?"

"Can I get a drink?"

"Yeah," he says with a nod, motioning to the beverage center behind me. I get up and head over there, grabbing a can of soda. "Is that all?"

"I guess."

"Okay, then." He stands up and waits for me to grab my bag. "Let's go get AJ and I'll show you to your cabin."

"Is it always so damn hot?" I ask once we step back outside, away from the ceiling fans.

AJ laughs and shifts his backpack to his other shoulder. "Dude, this ain't hot," he chuckles. "Wait until about noon tomorrow to see what hot really is."

"There's no air conditioning in the cabins?"

This cracks up both Brian and AJ. "No, but there's ceiling fans in each cabin."

"Fuckin' great," I mumble, wondering what I could do to possibly get myself out of this. My parents thought this was a good idea. Between them and the judge, they decided this was a better option for me, one last chance to get the 'bad boy' in line, or some such thing. Personally, I think my parents are just glad to be rid of me for the summer and this was the only 'summer camp' they'd ever send me to - at the state's expense.


AJ jumped on the top bunk, leaving me the bottom, the second we walked into the cabin. It's barely that, if you want the truth. There's one fairly small room, one set of bunk beds, two chests of drawers, a desk and a tiny bathroom opposite the door. "Where the hell's the shower?" I ask, realizing the bathroom is just a sink and toilet.

"Across the ring," AJ says, getting off the cot to tug the chain on the ceiling fan. I get another grin as he figures out I have no fuckin' clue what he's talking about. "That way," he points. "It's a communal shower, basically. Bunch of stalls, outside."

"Out where?"

"You haven't had to rough it too much, have you?" he snickers, climbing back onto the cot.

"Yeah, Tampa's full of nature," I reply smugly, sinking back onto the thin mattress telling myself not to cry.

"Another Florida boy," he says cheerfully, leaning his head over the side but his smile freezes when he sees my face. There's a flash of a second where he looks at me, realizing I'm fucking crying, or close to it, and his head disappears. "Well, this ain't Florida," he continues as if he hasn't seen me, and I think that's kinda cool of him. There was the chance for him to totally fuck with me, but he doesn't. He just babbles for a while about how cool it can be here when there's a thunder storm on the way and how you can hear it for hours before it actually gets there.

Somehow, the cots are made up with the sheets provided, and I manage to do it without looking at him at all. He's content to just talk to himself apparently, and he strips down to his boxers before jumping back up into his cot. "You're on the bottom, you get to turn out the lights. And make sure you don't shuffle…splinters suck."

I get up and turn out the light, but freeze in my tracks as soon as I do. I can't see a single God-damned thing it's so dark, and it's not getting any better the longer I stand there. How the hell am I supposed to make my way back to the bottom bunk and not kill myself? As if reading my mind, suddenly there's a flicker of light. AJ's holding his lighter out with a smirk. "Need a light?"

Funny guy…I can't decide if I hate him, or made a friend for life.



Carter, Nickolas, Gene. Age: 15… Eyes: blue. Hair: Blonde.

Looking over his file, and seeing the kid in person is like night and day. His sheet shows some troubled youth, but looking at him, I just get the feeling that what's written here is more a sign of little boy lost than potential dangerous villain. He's an angry kid according to his sheet, that much is obvious. Right now, though, he's more confused, I think.

The screen door creaks behind Brian and he walks across our living room to join me at the kitchen table. "They get settled okay?"

"Yeah," he says, pulling an apple out of the bowl on the table and takes a bite. "I think Nick's a little freaked. What're you doing? Checking his sheet?"

I nod, looking at his history. "Hard to believe it's the same kid," I say, letting the folder drop open for Brian to take a look. "He looks like some kind of lost boy scout, doesn't he?"

Brian chuckles and glances up from the folder. "He did just ride how long with AJ? That'd freak anyone out," he jokes before looking back at the folder. "Why's AJ here again?"

"Says here he was part of some hold up at the local stop and steal," I answer, grabbing AJ's folder.

McLean, Alexander, James. Age: 17. Eyes: Brown. Hair: Brown.

He was here last summer with the same kind of rap, but he's a little harder to read. Everything is hidden behind a wisecrack or smile and he does everything expected of him. It's just that when he's with the wrong group, he does the wrong things, apparently.

"He managed to come here because he talked his cohort into not shooting the poor bastard they were holding up," I tell Brian as I finish reading the latest notation.

"Who's this?" Howie comes from the bedrooms and stands in the living room.

I motion for him to join us. "AJ," I explain. "Dang, and I thought he was going to be okay," I sigh, dropping back into the kitchen chair and letting his folder drop to the table. "He made some serious progress last summer, too."

Brian looks at me with a lifted eyebrow. "Thanks to you, yeah," he says. "You were the only one he talked to and that was only because you didn't let him make a joke out of everything when you were with him." I shrug, but don't say anything more and Brian looks at Howie. "He had him digging ditches for the hell of it last year trying to make him take all this seriously,"

"I also had him quit smoking," I add. "That didn't last long either, I guess."

Howie slid the folder closer and read through it briefly. "Well, he's got a lot to take seriously again." He looked down to the folder. "Ditching school, fighting, there's a drug charge here, too."

"This is his last chance," I say sadly.

"What about the other one? Nick, was it? He was pretty miserable the whole way here," Howie says. "Came off the plane looking green, and didn't say a single thing until we got here."

"Pretty much the same," Brian says, looking to Nick's folder. "Ditching school, vandalism, looks like there was some kind of altercation. His family's the one that got him in the program. Says they're concerned for his well being if someone doesn't intervene and they don't want to put him in a detention center if they can help it, but they can't handle him at home. Frequent outbursts, pays no attention to authority, sneaks out and stays out all night."

"There's something more there that's not written down," I say with a shake of my head. "A kid this scared? There's something more."

"Well," Brian says, closing the folder and placing his hands on it, "we'll find out now, won't we? Do you have the schedule worked out for tomorrow?"

"I'm keeping AJ and Nick together for a bit. I think it'll be good for Nick to have some familiar faces around him for a while."

"Any ditches that need digging?" Brian teases.

"We're not expecting rain yet." I smirk back. "But when we are, I'll be sure to pull AJ out into it. I think we'll see if we can find any poison ivy for him to trample through, though."

Brian busts into a laugh and Howie looks at him. "Oh, man, last year that poor kid was covered head to toe! Head to toe! And Kevin just handed him a bottle of lotion and sent him right back out. He was miserable!"

"And he wanted to come back?" Howie asks, chuckling. "More importantly, you'll point out where I'm supposed to avoid, right?"

I shake my head, puckering my lips. "No, College-Boy, that's part of initiation."

"Kevin believes it part of earning your credits," Brian explains, kicking me under the table. "He's an evil, sadistic bastard. I'll point out what to look for. Just remember, leaves of three, leave it be. I'll show you in the morning."

"Speaking of morning," I say, pushing away from the table. "We're up bright and early tomorrow. I suggest you get some sleep. There's a full house."


Nick sits at a table by himself, head in hand and pushing his spoon around an empty bowl, looking miserable and tired. He keeps glancing around the room with wide eyes. I make my way over and sit across from him. "Morning," I say with a clear nod. "Ready to start?"

He doesn't take his head from his hand, but looks at me. "What does 'maintenance' mean?"

"You're going to be doing some clean up around the grounds," I explain. "You'll be with me. I figured it was a good way for you to get acquainted with the grounds." He doesn't look very excited, but I didn't expect him to. "Did you sleep okay?"

"Not really," he mumbles. "Hot."

I nod knowing it takes time to get accustomed to the heat when you're not used to it. By tonight, he'll be too exhausted not to sleep, I'm sure. "You'll get used to it," I assure him. He just looks at me again and turns back to stirring the spoon through his milk. "I'll meet you outside in about five minutes." I stand up, letting him have his moment of peace and tap the rest of my group on the shoulder to move them along.

"Why do I have the feeling I'm not on your team by accident," AJ says coming out of the dining hall, prepared for what's ahead. His head is wrapped in a bandana, smelling of suntan lotion. One or two of the group already made a comment about his wearing socks, but he just stays quiet and nods, knowing the secret they'll soon find out.

I tilt my head with a smile. "I missed havin' ya around, buddy, what can I say?" I say.

"Aw, that's sweet," he replies with a wink.

"Nick?" He's standing on the porch apprehensive of joining us. He's a lot smaller than the rest, and the youngest in the whole group. If he doesn't get straightened out, he'll either be eaten alive in a detention center, or actually kill someone trying not to be. "Come on over. We're ready to get started…there's a lot of ground to cover before lunch." I lead them over to the shed and have them grab bags, rakes, a shovel…sure they won't need most of it, but I'm not supposed to be easy on them, right? "Okay, we're starting up on the trails and work our way down." With that, AJ groans in misery. "Ah, come on, Aje, we haven't even gotten started!"

He trudges ahead of the group giving me a sideways glance. "I know what's in store!"

"Just testing to see what kind of shape you're in from last year," I call after him, trailing behind the rest of the gang that follows.

"Don't do me any favors!" he calls over his shoulder, but somehow still seems cheerful.

"Just follow AJ," I tell the rest and step alongside Nick, stuck holding the shovel. I let him go ahead of me as we head up the trail, knowing the pace is going to drop real fast in a matter of minutes once we get to the more steep areas. These kids are out of shape and probably haven't done anything physical since running from the cops that caught them and dragged them here.

"Let me take that from you." I offer to take the shovel from Nick, hearing him panting heavily and looking up at the patch of trail that needs him to climb over a fallen log as a step up to another part of fallen log in order to keep going up the trail. "Grab onto the tree there," I tell him, pointing the smaller sapling growing between the logs, "it'll give you a little better leverage to make the step up." He looks over at me, out of breath, and nods in thanks, doing as I told him. Once he makes it up, I hand the shovel back to him, easily making the steps without help and wait for him to lead on. I think he wants to kill me, and the rest of the group has grown quiet as well, probably cursing the devil out of me.

All except for AJ, that is, who's chanting in the lead. "Hi-ho!" he sings out like one of the seven dwarfs. "Hi-ho! Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to climb we go…."

"Less singing, more climbing please at the front!" I call, trying not to laugh.

"Sir, can we whistle, sir?" he calls over his shoulder, saluting to me with a crack of a smile. His face is all red, and I know he's sweating like the rest of us, but he'll be damned before he lets me know it. I just wave the back of my hand at him moving the group along. There's no way he can climb and whistle at this point, but he'll do his damnedest to be sure to do it - as soon as he can breathe.

We reach the clearing and I let them stop, pulling out the cooler I'd placed up there earlier in the morning so they could get some water or juice, and catch their breath, look around at the scenery. The camp looks like it's a miniature from this vantage point and there's no less than three mountain ranges sprawling out ahead of them, lush and green in the morning sunshine. It's a long way from their homes, and part of me hopes they can appreciate where they are.

AJ's standing and looking out the opposite side of the clearing, his back to us and guzzling water as he wipes his forehead. Justin, Lance and Josh have formed a bond and they sit together rolling their eyes at each other, not wanting to admit what's around them, and Nick's standing apart, looking down at the dirt at his feet and kicking his heel into it trying to get it off his sneakers between sips of water, leaning on the shovel.

"Hey, Kev? What happened over there?" AJ asks, pointing into the valley below.

I stand next to him, looking at the charcoaled trees. "Bunch of kids let a campfire go," I say sadly.

"Man," AJ mutters quietly, "that sucks."

"Yeah." To put it mildly. "We ready to keep moving?" I turn and clap, trying to get some enthusiasm or momentum building, but I get barely audible moans and a shuffle of feet. "Lead the way, Aje."

"Dude, if we hurt ourselves up here…?" Justin asks, turning around to look at me.

"You won't," I say confidently.

"We could fall right off a cliff, or something. Trip and sprain an ankle," he suggests, nudging his buddies.

"Then it'll really be hard climbing up here on crutches," I reply without missing a beat or smiling, "and no pain killers. No kind of drugs allowed at the camp, you know. Not even aspirin."

"Now that's illegal!" Josh protests in disbelief.

"Prove it." And I just keep looking at them without expression.

"We'll have witnesses." Justin points to Josh and Lance.

I nod slowly. "So will I," I point to Josh and Lance, too, "so it'd better not happen on purpose."

"And if it does?"

"If it happens at all, you're out of here and back in the system," I answer pointedly. "And there's no second chances like AJ here. You'll prove you can't handle it up here and next time, there's no options for you."

"And he's not kidding," AJ adds solemnly over his shoulder.

There's no more discussion of accidents, but there are a few groans and mumblings of discontent. Except for Nick, who just keeps climbing his way up the trail silently. "You hanging in there, Nick?" I ask a while later, just before we make our final climb.

"Fine," he says quickly and out of breath. "It'd help if you could, I dunno, break a sweat."

"I do this for a living, dude," I assure him, putting my hand on his shoulder. "In another two weeks, this'll be a piece of cake for you too."

He just nods and hunkers down for the steep climb as we reach the top. There's a great breeze blowing up here and it's so silent and peaceful, it's hard to stay in a bad mood once you finally make it. There's another cooler in the clearing, and they take another quick break to catch their breath and take in the scenery. The campground is completely out of sight now, hidden by foliage and treetops, and when you look out, there's nothing but mountain ranges ahead of you - no sign of civilization at all and it kind of puts everything into perspective if you let yourself think about it. The world is so much more than what you normally let yourself see.

"Okay, how're we feeling?" I ask once they've had a chance to sit a minute. "Ready to get moving?"

"Moving, where? We've reached the top!" Justin complains.

"Yeah," I nod. "We're going to head back, and as we go, we're going to clear some of the trail of the debris…tree limbs, branches, loose rocks…stuff like that."

"You're kidding, right?" Lance deadpans. "Isn't that the whole point of being in nature and going on nature hikes?"

"Safety first," I say cheerfully. "And we can't let some poor, clueless campers get hurt out here in nature, miles away from help."

"This is fucking bogus!" Justin protests.

"Bogus or not, that's our plan for the morning." I extend my arm in a sweeping motion for them to start back and catch AJ snickering. This is going to be a little difficult since he already knows most of the tricks of the trade. "And AJ is going to let you know what we're looking for, aren't you, AJ?"

"Me?" he asks, his eyes widening and planting his fingers against his chest.

"Yeah, you. You're not going to hang out in back and let them do all the work."

"Psyche!" Lance teases in a snicker.

I head over to Lance and put my arm around his shoulder. "Here's a hint," I whisper, "don't piss off the guy who's making the work decisions. You end up on the really shitty end of every project, guarantee it." He nods, clueing in and suddenly offers to help AJ out, moving quickly to the front of the line. Throughout it all, Nick doesn't say a word, or even show an expression. He looks like he's deep in his own thoughts, miles away from where he's standing.

AJ picks a few good projects for them, clearing a few patches and adding a log or two in spots where it would help a hiker make it up a steep section of the trail before we reach the first clearing and take another break. By now, we're all hot, sweaty and dirty, and everyone but Nick has their shirts hanging out of their back pocket, which surprises me seeing as the tee shirt is just soaked through and his blonde hair is plastered to his head in sweat. "We almost made it," AJ says, leading his team to the clearing and sitting down on one of the huge rocks poking out from the earth.

"All you have to do is make it back to the campground, guys," I say. "We'll get the rest of the trail another day."

"Yee-haw!" AJ cackles, shaking a bottle of water over everyone. It's really kind of refreshing, and just about everyone else starts doing the same in a mock water fight, even Nick gets a smile of his face and joins in.

As we make our way down the rest of the trail, I catch up with him, looking at him a moment. "What?" he asks quickly, watching his footing instead of looking at me.

"Nothing. What'd you think?"

"Of what?"

"Being up there? What we all did?" He lifts a shoulder, but doesn't offer much more. "You were pretty quiet. Something on your mind?"

"No," he says quickly, but there's still a weird hesitation in his voice. "Nothing important, anyway."

"What were you thinking?"

"What does it matter to you?"

He's defensive, and I move back away from him slightly so he doesn't feel pressured. "I'm just curious what people think the first time they're up on the mountain, that's all."

"Oh," he replies sheepishly and bites the corner of his bottom lip. "It's real pretty, I guess." He lifts a shoulder, looking back to his feet. "I don't think I was ever up that high before."

I smile easily. "Kind of feels like you're on the top of the world, doesn't it?" He nods in agreement, a hint of a smile crossing his lips. "Not a bad feeling, huh?" I get a sideways grin from him, but not much more, but am satisfied. There's a small start of getting through to him, very small, but I'll take it.

"Hey there, roomie, take a load off," AJ says, motioning to the seat next to him. Justin, Josh and Lance are with him and I kind of feel like I have to sit with them, even though I really don't feel like talking much. I know Kevin was trying to get more out of me before, but I felt kind of stupid telling him what I was thinking. What I was thinking was how cool my little brother would have thought this place was, especially up there. He always got such a kick out of being at the top of a ferris wheel, but this was like being up at the top only it didn't move. You could really take your time and take it all in, but I felt like the rest of them would have made fun of me or something if I was too interested, so I didn't make a big deal out of it. AJ grabs my shoulder and shakes me with a laugh. "You survive today?"

"Today isn't over yet," Lance answers for me, stuffing food into his mouth.

"It was okay," I say quietly, making myself eat. I'm gonna hurt tomorrow though. I already hurt, just stretching my arm out to reach for the salt.

"Kevin started us out soft," AJ tells us knowingly. "Tomorrow's gonna be a lot worse. Especially 'cuz none of us are gonna be able to move. We'll have muscles we never even knew we had hurting if they aren't already, right, Nick?"

I don't look up, but feel myself blushing. I know I'm a little out of shape, but I didn't think it was bad enough for everyone else to notice. "Dude, I can tell you I'm already hurtin'!" I glance over seeing his smile. The guy's always smiling, but I don't feel so bad if he's hurting. He's in great shape. I'm just skinny and scrawny, no chance of forming muscles like the rest of these guys.

"So, what's the rest of the day like if you know so much?" Justin asks, finishing off his lunch.

AJ's loving this attention. He walked in with the automatic cool kid in the class card because he's been here and knows what to expect. He eats casually, looking around to the rest of the guys coming in from their chores. "Well," he begins with a nose crinkle, "it's not as physical as this morning, but it depends on what they planned. Usually it's just some kind of game or something…basketball, volleyball, stuff like that. Team-building crap like that, but watch out if you're playing basketball with Kevin. He'll kill you to make a basket."

"Only if you don't get out of the way fast enough," Kevin says with a laugh coming up behind us. "Just wanted to say thanks for this morning. We got a lot done."

"Thanks?" Josh questions. "Like we had a choice?"

"Well, no, but you had a choice in how y'all handled it, and you handled it well, so thank you." He tilts his head to the side slightly and gives each of us a look before heading across the dining hall to join Brian and Howie. Somehow, for some reason, I actually find myself wanting to believe him. Like, it's not lip service or something, you know?

Howie stands up and goes to the front of the dining hall about half an hour later trying to get everyone's attention. "Hello! Hey! Guys? Up here, okay?"

Some look over, but basically, no one pays attention until Brian stands up on his chair and lets loose an ear piercing whistle. "Eyes up front!" He points towards Howie, climbs off his chair and sits back down.

"Thanks," Howie says to Brian, looking a little awkward now that the room is staring at him. "Well, uh, we've got a few things planned for this afternoon, and thought we'd give you a chance to choose what you wanted to do. There's a basketball game over at the far court, or a volley ball game down in the center. To make it interesting, the people who sign up are going to be put into teams and we'll start a tournament. There will be a prize, but it'll be announced in a few days."

"Once you know what it is?" AJ heckles, making Howie nod and blush.

"Once we know what it is, yeah," he admits. "So, we'll have a sign up sheet up here and you can choose which tournament you want to join and um, we'll start as soon as the sessions are over. That's it." He looks over to Kevin and shrugs before heading back to the table.

"Does everything here have to be physical?" I ask, looking around the table.

AJ nods with a lift of his shoulder. "Well, usually it helps keep a bunch of rowdy guys tired at the end of the day and burns off a lot of energy. You'll get used to it." He looks over at me. "Which one you signing up for?"

"I was kind of hoping I didn't have to. I suck at both."

"So do I," he admits. "I'm pretty good at pool though. It's wit over skill, really."

"Never played. I guess I'll sign up for basketball if I'm forced. I goof around with my brother sometimes in the driveway."

"Older or younger?" AJ asks curiously.

"Younger. They're all younger. I'm the oldest."

"Of how many?"

"Three sisters, and one brother…he's a twin, too. Gets a little crowded sometimes at home."

"At least you can hide, man. I'm an only child. Anytime anything happened, there was no one else to blame it on."

I roll my eyes and shake my head. "Dude, I'm the oldest. Anytime anything happens, it's automatically my fault for not watching the rest of them, or leading by example. There's no hiding, and let me tell you, four younger brothers and sisters can get into a lot of shit, too."

"And you're here?" he laughs. "Does that mean the rest of them will follow, too?"

'Only if mom and dad don't want to deal with them either,' I want to answer, but decide not to. Howie announces that the sign up sheets are out, and we head over to put our names down for basketball. Most of us do, it looks like, so I'm hoping that I can be eliminated early and avoid the whole tournament thing soon.


I knock on the door inside the hall and go in, finding Kevin at a desk and a brown plaid couch along a wall. I'm greeted with a smile and he waves me in before he finishes filling out his paperwork. I can feel myself blushing, but sit down uncomfortably, smoothing my hands over the rough material of the couch. "How ya doin'?" he asks, turning from his desk to look at me.

"All right."

"Settling in okay?" he asks, and his eyes are watching mine making me feel even more uncomfortable. They're this real intense green, and it's like he can look right inside my brain when he looks at me and I have nowhere to hide.

"Yeah."

"You're handling AJ all right?"

"Yeah…" I bite the corner of my lip, forcing myself to look away. "He's okay, I guess."

"So, what's on your mind?"

"Nothing."

This brings a gentle smile to his face and he rests back into his chair a little, stretching his long legs out in front of him. He gives me that intense look and slow nod…the same kind of look like when he said thank you before…and I want to believe him. Therapy never worked before. The guy usually looked bored, or ended up asking me 'how do you feel about that?' each time I opened my mouth. Like he cared how I felt about that? Like he had a clue what I was even talking about? He was only talking to me because some teacher or principal didn't know what else to do with me. But Kevin's not giving me that kind of look. He's just…looking at me, waiting patiently. "Says here that when you're home you don't like to stay in at night. Where do you go?"

I shrug, sinking into the cushion, realizing that the office is air-conditioned. "Why do you get air conditioning and we don't?"

"Because I run the place." Then he just looks at me expectantly. I have to answer his question, I guess. "I don't go anywhere, really. Just out."

"Why?"

"To get some air."

"You're kind of hung up on air, aren't you?" he jokes easily, giving me a playful smile. I just lift a shoulder and pick at the couch a little. Right now, I know I wouldn't mind getting some. I hate this. I hate being looked at like this. I hate people expecting me to have answers for questions I don't have answers to.

He puckers his lips in thought and tilts his head at me again, but doesn't get that annoyed, exasperated look the other therapists had. He just kind of studies me and nods again. "All right, fair enough. Just wanted to see how you were doing." He's silent, just looking at me.

"That's it?" I ask before I realize it's out of my mouth.

"That's it," he replies casually. "You signed up for basketball," he tells me. "Any good at it?"

"I suck at sports," I tell him truthfully. "I don't mind a little one on one, you know. Just goofin' around an' stuff, but," I crinkle my lip and shake my head. "I'm not really all that great."

"Well, just try to have some fun with it," he tells me and turns back to his desk. "I'll see you out there, okay?" Now I'm totally off guard. That's it? I mean…that's it? I just sit there blinking at him for a minute until he looks over at me with an easy smile. "You okay?" he asks, and I don't know how to answer that. "Nick?"

"I can go?"

"Yeah," he says, still smiling. "I'll see you out there."

"I mean…" I just blink at him, completely confused. "That's it?"

"Yeah."

"All right," I say, making a motion to stand up, waiting for him to say 'just one more thing…' designed to make me stay and spill my guts, but he doesn't. He goes back to the folder on his desk and I slowly make my way out of the room. I get another smile just before I close the door behind me, and I wait outside, thinking he's going to call me back in. But I don't hear any movement at all, and make my way slowly outside into the damn heat of the afternoon sun.

This is just weird….that's really all he wanted?


"Hey, Nick!" Brian says, dribbling a basketball around the court when I find it. A few guys are tossing a ball around warming up and as I come closer, Brian tosses his basketball to me cheerfully. I dribble it slowly at first, getting my bearings, set up for a basket and it sails neatly through the hoop under Brian's watchful, smiling eye. You know that never happens, right? But it's a small victory for me, and I'm takin' it. Of course, I miss the next few shots. Brian joins in and we're just goofin' around and he's giving me pointers, telling me how to eye the basket, line up the basket with my arm and elbow when I make the shot, a bunch of things I never knew. "You some kind of pro or something?"

"Nah," he laughs, stealing the ball from me, running circles around me before neatly sailing the ball through the hoop. "A wanna be pro, more like it, but God left me a few inches short." He sets up another shot while he tells me this and it goes in again…and again…each attempt he makes. I feel like an idiot standing on the court with him as he basically dances around me, cheerfully and happily, I might add. When I attempt to block him, he laughs, dashes in the opposite direction and…makes another basket. I told you I suck at this, right?

"Here," Brian says, tucking the ball under his arm and standing in front of me. "You got all this space to block." He stretches my arms out. "See all that? You try to block out here," he slaps my fingers, "and not right here," he basically stands on my feet, "you'll make it harder for the player to get around you, you see?" He steps back and dribbles easily in front of me. "You don't have to be bulky, dude. Use what you got...you're all arms and legs. Try again…"

No one has ever taken this much time to show me how to play like this. In school, it was always about knowing the rules and sinking the basket, but not technique. I think I've learned more about how to play this stupid game in the last half hour than I did in the last ten years of gym. Now all I have to do is tune out Brian's silly jokes and goofy laughter. Maybe that's part of the technique too? So, just as he sets up one of his shots, I jump in front of him with my own cackle and damn, he misses!

"Hmmm…you learn fast Grasshopper," he laughs in an Asian accent, bowing to me.

Somehow, I manage to get through the game without being on the losing team and I feel…great. AJ's team is out, though, but he doesn't seem to mind. On the way back to our cabin, he's telling me his plans on becoming the team's cheerleader, saying how it's about time male cheerleaders got their due and how he's going to revolutionize the sport. You can't help but laugh.


So, the rest of the night is pretty quiet. Most of us just hang in the lounge off the dining hall. The fans are on high and it's a lot cooler in there than it is in our cabin. AJ's snoring, out the moment the lights were. As I'm lying there in my cot after lights out, I think I'm just overtired. My brain keeps rushing over the day and how much I did. The longer I lay there, the more I can feel my muscles tighten up and somehow, I must have fallen asleep. I don't realize I did until I hear someone whispering my name and shaking my shoulder, telling me to 'get up.'

When I open my eyes, it's not even light out, but I can see. Kevin's leaning over, telling me to get dressed and motioning for me to follow him. It's not a dream. I know this because I want to scream when I sit up. Every muscle in my body hurts and doesn't want to move, but I do, throwing on a pair of shorts and tee shirt, and I realize I'm cold. Grabbing a sweatshirt, I head outside and sit on the step, putting my sneakers on.

Kevin's standing on the road with a knapsack on his back, a hat pulled down low and is looking up to the sky. I look up, too and am shocked. It looks like a postcard or something, you know? It's real dark with a few stars overhead, but there's definite color changes as I draw my eyes down.

"Grab that," Kevin tells me in a low voice, motioning to the knapsack next to the step. "Let's go."

It weighs a ton and I grunt as I hoist it up to my shoulder. "What the hell's in here?" I ask, my eyebrows knotting together.

He looks over his shoulder with a smile. "Drinks." Then he heads off and leads me up the trail. Yeah…up the freakin' trail! It's pitch black down by our feet, but I plod along following Kevin step for step for fear that I'm gonna break a leg if I don't.

There isn't a sound around us except the sounds of our footsteps and it's real peaceful as we make our way up the trail. My heart is pounding, but my muscles have loosened up a bit as we make our way to the first clearing. "Just leave that one here," he says quietly. "We're running out of time."

I drop the knapsack and we keep moving, and by the time we make it to the last clearing, my heart is pounding in my ears and I don't think I can breathe. But when we stop, I really lose my breath. We make it to the ridge, and at that second, the sun peers over the mountain range and strikes us with a beam announcing daybreak. There're no words to describe this.

"Wow," is all I can manage to say under my breath, and Kevin looks back at me from over his shoulder with a smile.

"Peaceful, eh?" He looks back over the ridge to the view and steps back towards me, sitting down on a rock and offers me a water. "This is getting some air."

That's when it hits me. There's something about Kevin that's peaceful - the way he's just always calm. You don't get the feeling like you have to talk, you know? And, maybe, if you want to talk, he'd just listen. But right now, it's kind of cool to just sit here with him as I start breathing normal again.

"This is how the coolers got up here yesterday?" I ask him. He lifts his head up, taking his hat off and wipes his arm over his forehead with a nod. "You climb up here every morning at daybreak?"

"Sometimes in the evening after dinner. Clears my head." He sets his hat back on and rests his arms easily on his legs. "Ready to head back?"

"We're gonna do this again, aren't we?" I ask.

He gives me another smile. "You'll have a lead on the rest of them." He stands up, takes one last look and starts back down the trail. "You're stretched out. It won't be as bad." I grumble behind him, and he chuckles, looking back at me. "In another week, this will be like nothing. Once you're rappelling down the side of a mountain, and rock climbing…"

"Once I'm what down the side of a what?" I ask, stepping quicker behind him.

"Rappelling…and mountain," he chuckles. "Don't worry, it's safe."

"You don't know a damn thing about me," I answer. "If it's bigger 'an an inch, I'm falling off it."

"That's why we'll teach you not to," he answers confidently. "And for the record, you're up a lot higher than an inch now."

"But it's a steady incline," I protest. "There's no drop."

He motions to the right. "There's one over there. Few hundred feet down, all rock."

"Oh, that's just great," I grumble, moving a bit to the left, just to be sure.

"I got your back, Nick," he says, and damn it, if I don't want to believe him.

"So, how'd you get roped into this kind of thing anyway?"

"I didn't. I grew up around here, went to UK, came back and started this program."

"Why?"

He back at me with a smile. "'Cause I think most kids deserve a chance to get their life in order, see something other than where they live, maybe they can get the bigger picture if someone takes the time to show it to them."

"But why would you want to? I mean, they're not your kids or anything."

"Sure they are," he says. "You're the one's that are going to take over once we're done screwing things up, aren't you? I'm gonna do everything I can to make sure y'all are exposed to as much information about the world and the people in it that you can."

"What makes you think we want to?"

"All I can do is try, Nick."

"But, some kind of delinquent…?"

He stops and turns around immediately. "Not delinquent," he tells me angrily. "You're delinquent when no one believes in you and just expects you to screw it all up. No one here's given up on you, Nick. All you need to do is focus and we're here to help you figure out how to do that." He keeps his eyes on me intently, making his point, before he turns back around and starts down the trail again and we reach the first clearing in silence.

"I didn't mean to piss you off," I tell him quietly as he unpacks the knapsack into the cooler.

He looks up at me with a gentle smile. "You didn't, Nick. I just get…it bothers me sometimes that's all, what gets fed into people's brains." He puts the lid back on the cooler and stands up, putting his arm around my shoulder easily and starting back. "How do they think kids are going to change? Instead of looking around and seeing why, or who, might be guiding them, they just write them off and expect them to change. That pisses me off. And that's why I started doing this because if just one kid thinks someone out there believes in them and sees something worthwhile, than it's totally worth every effort to reach as many of those kids as I can."

"Why do you think all that's true, though?"

"Because I've seen it happen." He squeezes my shoulders and chuckles easily. "All ya gotta do is reach out sometimes."

"How many times have you been proven wrong though? I mean, do the guys that come through here all go back and live a different life? AJ's back, right?"

Kevin smiles. "AJ's back for different reasons than being considered a bad kid."

"So, what about me? Why am I here?" It's a bit of a challenge to him, and I'm curious to see what he thinks about me, but I don't think I'm gonna get it.

He gives me a sideways glance and a hint of a smile. "I have my theories."

And that's all he'll say. We're back at the campground and heading towards the cabin. "Can I go with you tomorrow?" He smiles at me with a nod as we reach my cabin and go our separate ways. "See you in a bit."

"In a bit. Drink some water and take a break before we head back up there, okay?"

They're coming together. At least, that's what I think as I watch them on the basketball court. There are only ten kids, so it's not a full-blown team, but we've made provisions and I'm pleased to see that Nick's still out there under the watchful eye of Brian. Seems like everyone's taken Nick under their wing. He's the youngest and the shiest and I guess we're all reacting to that, an unlikely 'delinquent.'

And then there's AJ…the likeable 'delinquent,' but what gets me is that he's so much smarter than what he's giving himself credit for. This week he's been working with Howie in kitchen and although the food's looked a little weird, it's tasting pretty good, but it's not his calling. He likes being outside, I think. He likes the more physical stuff, but it's getting him to say what he's thinking that's the real problem. He talks endlessly, but never says anything and if no one is around or paying attention to him, he goes deep inside and looks so intense.

Right now, he's got the same look as everyone watches the game and I make my way over to him. "Let's take a walk," I say quietly coming up behind him, and he tries to hide his expression, but he knows he's been caught. Part of me expects a protest, but he doesn't. We head off across the field and start walking slowly around the main ring through the campground. "What's goin' on, Aje?" He's biting his bottom lip and rubs his hand over the top of his head, but doesn't say anything. "Come on, man, what're you doing here, huh? What happened?" He still doesn't say anything, but there are tears welling in his eyes. "I thought you were gonna go back and set the record straight…start over again. What happened?"

"It ain't as easy as all that, Kev!" he explodes breathlessly. "It just…it ain't as easy as you all make it sound! Once you're back there? And all the same people start hanging around again? It's hard being the 'goody-goody!' It's harder being the 'goody-goody!'"

"You're back here for some reason," I tell him, reaching my hand out and putting it on the back of his neck gently. "What kind of trouble are you really in?" He looks at me, and there is pure panic in his eyes. "Talk to me. What's going on?"

"Nothing," he mumbles, wiping a few more angry tears off his cheeks. "Doesn't matter now."

"AJ…"

"Can you just leave me alone?" he snaps, pulling away from my hand and stopping. "Can you?"

I consent to his wish, realizing that now is definitely not the time to pressure him. Instead, I reach into my pocket and hand him the keys to my office. He looks at them for a minute, then up to me. "Go ahead," I offer with a shrug.

"What're they?"

"The keys to my office, Aje," I say, as he takes them from me. "It's got air, and no one will bother you for a while. Go chill out, okay?"

He nods slowly, chewing on his bottom lip. "Hey, Kev…I'm…" he starts quietly.

I give him a playful smile. "Just don't go makin' any copies, got it?" I tease with a wink.

There's a hint of a smile, and he shakes his head. "What the hell am I going to make copies with? A lump of clay?" He lifts an eyebrow in playful consideration and winks back at me before he heads towards my office. He stops though, and turns to look at me. "Thanks, Kev," he says sincerely with a nod and I nod back before he keeps going with his head hanging and shoulders slouched. There's no point in pushing him right now, and I'm aware of it. It's all about baby steps, no matter how much I want to help sometimes, or how much I know they're holding back. These kids don't know how to trust, especially someone older, or in authority. All I can do is put my trust in them, and hope they figure out I'm just trying to help.


At some point, it just gets embarrassing, you know? We're on a different trail today and there's a lot more sun. Just about everyone has their tee shirts stuck in their waistbands or back pockets and I just feel pathetic, like some girl or something. There's no way I'm taking my shirt off, looking all scrawny like I do. AJ's all ripped, and the other guys at least have arm muscles or some kind of definition.

And then it gets worse because coming up from behind is Kevin. It's not like I'm gay or anything, but it's hard not to notice that this guy just makes all of us look ridiculous! His arms are like, double the size of mine, and I feel like if I stand sideways you wouldn't see me compared to him. And then he's all tan on top of it and I'm peeling with the tail end of sun burn on my arms… It's humiliating. It's bad enough he doesn't seem to break into a sweat and makes all this hiking look so damn easy, but he does this hike more than once every day! This morning was cool, though, because we didn't really hike up the trail we've been clearing. The incline didn't seem all that bad until we started heading back, and then he tells me it was because we were going downhill away from the campground. Dude! But there was an awesome view overlooking the valley and it felt like we stood there for hours just watching the fog lift.

But it was a lot cooler during daybreak than it is mid-morning with the sun, and we're all withering away, and slow trying to get anything done. Kevin knows this, and has been helping us out a lot more than he usually does, and keeps encouraging us to keep moving. I wasn't sure why until we took a weird turn and really started climbing downhill, but it was clear as soon as we did. Down at the bottom there's a brook, or a creek or something…there's water. It's not deep at all, but it's rushing pretty good over the rocks and none of us care about getting our shoes wet. We're splashing each other and the water is frigid, but feels so good.

"Just don't drink it," Kevin tells, leaning over and splashing water on his face and wiping his hands through his hair. "You'll get sicker than a dog."

"I thought it was all natural and shit to do that," Justin says, kicking water towards Kevin playfully.

Kevin scoffs before he starts splashing back. "Not quite. There's parasites in here that will turn your insides out if it's not boiled first."

"He's just a regular Daniel Boone," Josh teases, taking his turn to splash at Kevin. We all do, actually, and before we're done, all of us are drenched and cooled off.

Justin comes up behind me on the way back all giggles and before I know it, I'm standing in the middle of the trail in my underwear with my shorts down around my knees, and him and Josh are in hysterics, falling all over each other. I want to either hide, or kill them, and can't decide which as I stand there for, like, eternity before I realize everyone else looking. It's all I can do to pull up my shorts as fast as I can and by now, Lance's started to laugh, but AJ just stands there and…he's not looking at me. He's totally glaring at the other guys.

"Dude," Justin laughs, "chill. I'm just checkin' to make sure he's like the rest of us."

"Dude, that shit ain't fuckin' funny. Why the hell'd you do that to him?" AJ asks, taking a step towards them. Now Kevin's watching, keeping a calm expression, but definitely surveying us all and the situation.

"Forget it, AJ," I mumble, wanting to forget this whole thing and just disappear. I just tap his arm with mine and attempt to walk.

"No," AJ says with a shake of his head, still glaring at them. "I want to know why the hell he had to be a complete and total dick for no reason."

"Oh, come on," Justin snickers, looking over at me quickly. "He's either gay or a girl. I wanted to check and see which one." I want to find a hole and crawl into it, disappear downstream, hide under a rock…be anywhere but here.

"All right," Kevin says, taking a step in between, "enough. Walk." He points down the trail with a firm nod, daring one of us to disobey.

"Assholes," AJ grumbles angrily, but Kevin turns him around by his shoulder and nudges him. Reluctantly, he starts walking, but not before giving another glare to Justin. I'm leading the pack now, totally embarrassed and trying real hard to blink away the tears in my eyes. A girl? Gay? What the hell? What did I do? Why do they think… I'm not fucking gay!

"They're assholes," AJ says quietly, coming up behind me like he knows what I'm thinking. "Don't even think about it."

I look back, past AJ, and see Kevin walking behind Justin. He's pissed, Kevin, that is. If looks could kill, man, Justin would be a piece of dirt under his shoe. I turn back, shove my hands into the pockets of my shorts and just cringe. What the hell did I do to start all this bullshit? I mean, really, what the hell did I do? I never bothered any of them. I barely even talk to any of them, even! Now I have to figure out some way to completely avoid them, and that's going to be virtually impossible seeing as I'm on stupid hike detail with them for the rest of the week.

Why the fuck did I have to come here?


"Nick?"

That's AJ's voice coming from the top bunk in the dark. I managed to skip dinner, at least by saying I didn't feel good, and just stayed in the cabin until lights out. When we got back from the hike, Kevin took Justin and Josh into his office. I don't know what happened, and I don't want to know. I don't care.

"Dude, you asleep?" I don't answer him. Let him think I'm asleep. I don't want to talk to anyone. "Dude, you're not asleep," he says. "You can't let them dawg you like this. They're not worth it."

"I'm not," I mumble, rolling over to face the wall as if I wouldn't be able to hear him somehow.

"Kevin reamed them," he tells me. "You could hear him screaming in the dining hall."

"Don't care."

"Bullshit," he scoffs, and I can feel his pillow slam against the back of my head. "After dinner, he took them out to the ring and they dug ditches until lights out," he continues telling me, snickering. "And trust me, I know from diggin' ditches. Kev was pissed."

"AJ, I don't care. All he's gonna do is get them more pissed off at me," I grumble. "And I didn't even do anything! Why'd they have to start pickin' on me?"

"Because you're the smallest," he says, and I can hear him shift on the cot over me. "And they knew you wouldn't fight back. Which is why you have to, man. You can't let them think you won't."

"Yeah, like I'm gonna be able to fight back?" I half squeal in disbelief.

"You have to. They're just assholes."

"Whatever." I just lay there, blinking into the darkness…literally, seeing as it's pitch black. I'm not sure how long I'm quiet, but it's me that talks next. "Aje?"

"Yeah?"

"Why'd they think I was gay?"

"Well," he starts, but doesn't talk for a bit, and now I'm nervous. Does he think I'm gay too? "You do act a little weird sometimes."

"I do not!" Oh shit, he thinks I'm gay too!

"Dude, you don't shower when anyone is around. It's 110 degrees and you don't take off your shirt… It's a little weird."

"So that makes me gay?"

"I didn't say that! I'm just sayin…it's a little weird."

"It's not."

"So…why do you avoid it, then?"

"Please!" It's my turn to scoff. "Like you'd roam around naked looking like I do?"

He's quiet for a second. "Like you do? What? D'you have some kind of weird skin disease or something?"

"No! Come on, AJ! I'm scrawny enough without having to prove it to everyone by takin' off my shirt!"

"Is that why?" he asks, sounding completely shocked. "Dude! Who cares?"

"Yeah, you can say that. You don't look like I do. I thought if they saw just how skinny I was, they'd start picking on me. All I was trying to do was blend in, man."

He sighs audibly from above. "Dude, you're what? Fourteen? Fifteen?"

"Fifteen, and what's that got to do with anything?"

"You're scrawny 'cuz you're fifteen! Trust me, nobody looks buff at fifteen unless you're a freak. And in case you didn't notice, Lance is pudgy, and Justin's not buff. Josh's toned, but that's because he played soccer and he's older than you, trying to show off."

"Whatever." But that doesn't seem to stop the question in my head. He didn't say he didn't think I wasn't gay. Does he think I am? "So…you don't think…"

"Go to sleep, Nick."

"I'm not, you know."

"No, shit."

"Just makin' sure."

"They don't think you are, either. They're jealous, that's all."

Now this time, I laugh out loud. "You're shitting me! Jealous of what?"

"You get along better with Howie and Brian better than any of them. You don't sit around and bitch about anything, and they know you go hiking with Kevin in the morning. They think you're brown-nosing."

"So…I'm supposed to dis' on the staff, or I'm gay?"

"You're really hung up on this gay thing, dude."

"I don't want the crap beat out of me in my sleep by a bunch of lug-heads!"

"Forget the…lug-heads," he chuckles. "Nice word, there, dude, by the way. Just forget them. You'll get a lot more out of talking to Howie, Brian or Kevin than you could by being friends with Justin any day." I hear him shift again, and his voice becomes clearer as he hangs his head over the side. "Trust me, Nick… You're doin' just fine." I hear him shift again and out of the darkness, his voice comes back. "But, I'm telling you, if you get your chance, get 'em back just to prove you can."

I'm surprised to see Nick. After yesterday, I half expected him to blow off the morning hike, but he's out on the step when I come out of my cabin, tying his sneakers. He shakes the hair out of his eyes and gives me a half smile as he stands up, mumbling 'good morning.'

"How was your night?" I ask, but he just shrugs. "They're going to apologize."

He stops, tilting his head at me. "I don't want them to," he snaps, moving forward.

"Yeah, but I do," I tell him with a sigh. "That shit don't fly here…for any reason."

"It's no big deal."

"Nick…"

"I don't care, Kevin! Okay? Can you not make a production out of it? Geez!" We head back down the trail, this time Nick's leading the way, or, more like stomping the way, readjusting the backpack I'd given him. Before I get another breath out, he stops. "Why do you have to make such a big deal out it? It was just a stupid prank, and now they're gonna keep buggin' me."

"You mean thinking you're something you're not because you go on a hike with me in the morning."

"No, meaning pulling crap while you keep defending me and making things worse. It was a stupid joke and I don't care what they think, or want them to apologize, or even talk to me for all I care." He starts walking again, a little quicker, a lot heavier footsteps.

"Why're you so ticked off, Nick? I'm not sticking up for you…it's called learning how to treat people with respect."

"Yeah," he scoffs. "Like that's what they're thinking, too."

"Nick, I didn't discipline them on your behalf. I disciplined them because their behavior was completely unacceptable."

"Again, like that's what they think? Keep dreaming. Instead of disciplining them, you pissed them off even more."

"How do you know that? Did something happen last night?" He stops and looks at me, silent. "Nick? Did something happen?"

"If it did, I wouldn't tell you anyway." Shaking his head, he turns around and keeps heading down the trail.

"I'll talk to AJ, you know. If something happened, he'd tell me."

He spins on his heels and glares angrily, his jaw tight and one eye twitching. "Stop! Don't bother, Kevin!"

"What happened?"

"Nothing happened!" He drops the knapsack down and kicks it, still furiously looking at me. "I can take care of myself! I'm not helpless, or stupid, or…" He kicks the knapsack again a bit more out of his way. "I don't need anyone protecting me, or sticking up for me! Just butt out already, alright? That's why I came today, Kevin. To tell you to just leave it alone! I'm a big boy and can handle my own problems!" With another kick, he turns around, putting his hands on his hips with a heavy exhale.

There's no point trying to explain what I'm doing, so I move over to pick up the knapsack left in the tall grass alongside of the trail. Just as I do, I feel a bite and let out a yell. Actually, a full stream of curses and shove Nick, making him turn around, ready to push back. Then he stops, partly from my close proximity and partly from probably seeing the expression on my face. "Leave it," I say quickly. "Walk. That way. Now." I push him back down the trail, opposite of the direction we were going, trying really hard not to panic, breathe, and get the hell out of that spot all at once.

"God damn it, Kevin, what the hell…" I stop once we're a safe distance and sit on a rock, muttering a stream of curses freely and take a look at my leg. It's streaming with blood now, and hurts like hell already. "What the hell did you do?"

I don't have time to look up at him like an idiot. Instead, I reach into the knapsack I'm carrying and pull out a snakebite kit and a bottle of water to clean the bite off. "I didn't do anything," I tell him. "But we apparently pissed off a snake."

"What?" he shrieks, looking around on the ground.

"That's why I pushed you," I explain, busying myself with the suction cup of the snake kit.

"Oh my God…" His voice is quick and rising a little in panic. "Holy shit…are you okay?" Again, I don't really have time to look at him like he's an idiot. But he catches on pretty quick, and tries to correct himself. "I mean…are you…should I do something?"

"Not panic," I tell him, doing my best not to do the same as I finish with the kit. "And I'm gonna need your help getting back." I finally look up and realize the kid's panicking. "I'm not gonna die, Nick. It's okay."

"What kind of snake…do you know?"

"I didn't get a good look, no. But…it's okay as long as I get back to camp." I stand up after securing the bandana from my head a few inches over the bite on my calf and exhale heavily as the burn just seems to spread. I just close my eyes for a second and try to breathe through it. "I'm going to lean on your shoulder so I don't have to walk on this, alright?"

He nods quickly and I put my hand on his shoulder. We start down the trail and he keeps looking over at me with wide, frightened eyes. "Does it hurt?"

"Like a mother," I answer with a nod, forcing myself to take a slow, steady breath, reminding myself to stay calm, and trying to figure out how to calm Nick down. He's basically chewing on his bottom lip and his eyes are bugging out of his head, either from panic, or looking for more snakes…I'm not sure which. "It's all right, Nick. Really. It just hurts like hell, that's all."

"Can't you die from a snakebite?"

"Not really, no. Not from one the snakes around here." But I do need to get to a hospital seeing as I didn't see what kind of snake bit me. I'm not sure he needs to know that just now, or I might scare him even more. The burn makes me think it's a copperhead, but I'm not sure. I just know this hurts like hell and it's kind of taking all my concentration away.

"I'm sorry, Kevin."

I do my best to offer a smile and just shake my head. "You didn't do anything, Nick. What're you sorry for?"

"I don't know…maybe I'm the one that pissed off the snake or something. If I didn't yell at you, or drop the knapsack…"

"We just scared it, Nick. It's not your fault." And if it was, I wouldn't tell you anyway, but there's going to be a discussion about snakes at some point when I get back -- to everyone. What to avoid, what to look for, what to do… I should have paid more attention. Looked around better. Fuck, this hurts.

Once we make it to the grounds, we limp over to a rock and I tell him to go get Brian. He sprints off like a flash, and I just let myself wince and force myself to breathe deeply. It feels like forever that I've been sitting here, watching the blood on my leg, trying not to… But finally I hear the pick-up rattling down the road and am helped into the passenger seat by both Nick and Brian. "Did you see what kind?" Brian asks.

"No, he didn't," Nick answers for me. "It just came out of nowhere."

"You didn't walk back, did you?" Brian asks, moving around the front of the truck to get into the driver's side.

"He leaned on me so he didn't have to," Nick says, stepping back from the truck.

"Tell Howie what happened," Brian says through the cab. "I'll call."

Nick nods, looking partly relieved that we're back, partly scared at the flurry of activity to get me on my way. I lean out the window as Brian starts driving. "Thanks, Nick, you did great." He hears me, but doesn't look any better, just nods and chews his bottom lip, watching us go.


I know he said it wasn't my fault, but I still feel guilty. I shouldn't have gone off like I did. I shouldn't have stopped on the trail like that. I should have picked up the knapsack instead of leaving it like that. I should have seen the damn thing, shouldn't I? Or helped more, somehow. He looked like he was really hurting, too. I could hear it when he breathed…like it hurt to do that. Can you stop breathing from a snakebite? I never paid attention, or was around snakes before. What if it's poisonous?

"Did he really get bit by a snake?"

"How big was it?"

"Did he cry? Scream? What'd he do?"

"Did you see the fang marks?"

No! No! No! No! I didn't see anything! "I didn't know he was bit until…"

"Until what?" AJ asks me, and all the rest of the guys look.

Great…now I'm really gonna look like a wuss. "After it happened," I mumble. I shouldn't be thinking about this. Kevin's in the hospital, possibly dying, and I'm worried about what they're going to think of me? I suck. No, really, I just suck. "He kind of…" admit it, asshole… "pushed me out of the way. I didn't know what happened until we were down the trail a ways."

Yeah, that's Justin snickering. I knew it. I'm fucking doomed. "Did Kevy-wevy protect you from the big, bad snakey-wakey, Nicky?" he says, pouting at me and fluttering his eyelids. He reaches out and wiggles his fingers over my arm, making hissing noises. "Careful, Nicky, your protector ain't here to save you!"

I don't know where it comes from. I'm not even prepared for it. I hit him. I actually threw a punch at Justin…and hit him! Damn! I think I'm more shocked than he is, but he recovers and slams me back and we end up on the ground cursing and throwing punches until AJ pulls me back, and Josh pulls Justin up, and man, is he pissed!

But then I realize he's not half as pissed as Howie, and I'm beginning to think we're screwed because I don't think I've not seen Howie smiling since we got here. And he's not smiling. He's just standing in the middle of us, looking between us and, I think, he doesn't know what to say.

"He started it," Justin says giving him something to begin with, though.

It keeps Howie from looking at me for a second. "And I'm sure you didn't deserve it, right?" He just lifts his palm up to Justin before he even answers. "Don't you think we have enough going on today without this bullshit?" Now he looks over at me again, shaking his head, but no one responds, and he looks to all of us standing around in a circle. "No, really," he begins again, "don't you think there's enough going on? You can't act civilized for half an hour unsupervised? Any of you?" Mmm, yeah, he's pissed, isn't he?

"He's the one that…" Justin tries again, but Howie shuts him up with his hand again.

"I don't want to know," he interrupts, looking back to me again as if I'm going to say something. I'm still trying to figure out how I managed to throw a decent punch. "I really don't want to know. The two of you had better figure out how to settle this, and fast, because no one is going to baby sit your asses for the next five weeks. And if you can't figure it out, I'll settle it by making the decision to send you both home so you don't have to be around each other. Got it?" I swallow heavily and nod, noticing Justin nods too. "Now, due to the circumstances, our morning activities are canceled. Go find something to do, that's not going to get you in trouble, and we'll meet in the dining hall at 11:30 for lunch." With that, he heads back down the ring road towards the main cabins leaving us all in a kind of shocked silence.

I'm shocked just because, hell, I threw a punch, but I think the rest of them are shocked because Howie wasn't in a good mood. So far, it's been common knowledge that you can get away with anything with Howie. He just smoothes things over and smiles if you break the rules or something. Hell, usually he tags on an 'okay?' after telling you to do something. But he actually did all of that without cracking one smile and that starts me thinking that this whole thing might be more serious than Kevin led me to believe. If it wasn't a big deal, why wouldn't Howie be more chilled out? Was he worried? Why would he worry if it wasn't a big deal, right?

"You're going to be so fucking sorry for this," Justin mutters to me, squinting his eyes at me furiously.

I'm really not in the mood for all of this. "Know what, Justin? No I'm not, because that punch was really fucking satisfying." I don't bother waiting for the punch I'm sure he wants to throw, or stand around to keep bickering with him. (Bickering, that's such a mom word, I know, but really, it's what we're doing.) I just turn and walk away and hear AJ cackle triumphantly after I go.

Seconds later, he's running up behind me, places his hands on my shoulders and jumps around to hop backwards in front of me. "Now that's what I was talking about, dawg!" he tells me proudly. "That's it! That was all you had to do!"

I'm not quite as happily triumphant, or confident, as he is, though. I get the feeling I just signed my death notice.


The pain is finally subsiding somewhat since getting the pain relievers, but I'm stuck in the hospital at least overnight for observation. We don't think it's serious, probably a copperhead from the burning sensation I have around the wound, but it's not one of those things they really want to chance. It's swelling up, though, and doesn't look all that great, but we don't want to do anything more unless it gets worse. They have the antivemin if I need it, but they don't want to risk an allergic reaction if they don't have to, so here I sit, feeling pretty damn stupid if you want to know the truth.

I'm supposed to be the guidance. I'm supposed to know what I'm doing…how did I miss something as simple as avoiding a snake? It was early morning, the knapsack was near the edge of the trail by some tall grass… All the warning signs were screaming at me. Shouldn't I know better? I should know better. This is just fucking stupid.

"It happens," Brian says coming into the room, reading the expression on my face. I just sigh, looking down to my swelling leg and slowly shake my head. "It does. What're you gonna do, right?"

"We're giving a lecture about avoiding snakes," I answer him dryly, pulling the sheet back over my leg. Maybe if I don't look at it I won't be so annoyed.

"Well I figured that," he laughs, sitting in the chair next to the bed and putting his feet up on my bed comfortably. "But the doctor said, you did everything right, so ya got that goin' for ya."

"I don't know how I did. I don't mind telling you, but man…I was pretty freaked out."

He nods easily, his face losing it's casual smile. "I know. You looked pretty freaked out. And in pain. But you didn't look half as freaked as Nick did."

"Poor kid. One minute he's screaming at me and the next minute I'm shoving him down a barely lit path. He didn't know what the hell hit him, and I didn't have my wits about me to explain it all to him."

Brian nods again slowly. "I'll talk to him when I get back. Don't worry about it."

"He's pretty pissed at me about yesterday. Thinks I'm fighting his battles for him."

"Well, aren't you?"

"No."

He gives me one of those 'you're kidding me' looks and crosses his ankles. "Kevin, come on. If you weren't, what the hell was last night, then?"

"That was showing them that they're going to respect other people's privacy."

"How many times did something like that happen in gym class, or with one of your friends playing ball, Kev? It's one of those classic acts that's going to be done for years to come to poor kids everywhere."

"And when it happens in gym class, there's detention, and when one of your friends does it, you punch 'em. You don't just pretend it never happened."

"Face it, Kev. He's gotten under your skin. You made him and AJ your projects."

"I'm not favoring any of them."

"No, you're not. But you've taken a special interest in them."

I have. I know I have. And it probably isn't fair to the rest of them. The rest of them are decent kids underneath, I know that, but something about Nick and AJ is telling me there's more to them than what's written on their rap sheet. They're not doing this shit to be cool, or get attention. They're avoiding something, afraid of something, and if they keep doing what they're doing, they're going to get themselves in some serious trouble if they're not careful.

I hear Brian chuckle lightly and he sits up in the chair. "You're zoning. The pain killers have kicked in, haven't they?"

"I think I'm coming down off the adrenaline rush more than anything. But yeah, I'm pretty exhausted suddenly."

"I'm gonna head back then. Give me a call if they decide to release you early, if not, I'll be back in the morning to pick up your swollen, sorry ass." He leans over and gives me a quick hug and heads out. I can't think anymore, so maybe it's time I just close my eyes and forget everything for a little while.

I've been sitting in the common room waiting for some kind of news for hours now. Outside, I can hear the basketball hitting the court and people splashing in the pool, but I think it's probably best to avoid being around anyone right now. And I want to know what's going on with Kevin. So I've been sitting here at the table, at first, attempting to play solitaire, but now I'm just doodling in one of the notebooks and watching the clock.

After an eternity, I hear the truck but then I'm really scared. I only hear one door close and when I look out the window, it's only Brian that's back. Howie greets him on the porch, but I can't bring myself to move. I did this…I made this happen. All of this is my fault, and Kevin's not back.

"Hey, Nick." Brian comes in smiling and looks around the room.

"How is he?"

"He's fine," he tells me easily. Like Kevin just went to a dentist or something.

"Where is he, then?"

"He's still at the hospital." He sits on one of the uncomfortable beige couches and motions for me to sit down. My stomach drops, but I do as I'm told and sit across from him. "It's not that bad, Nick. Honest." Do I look as scared as I feel? Am I going to be sent home now? Howie must have told him I got in a fight on top of all this. I'm just too much of a handful, aren't I? "It's standard procedure. They're keeping him in for observation, mainly because y'all didn't see what kind of snake it was, but," he crinkles his top lip and lifts a shoulder casually, "it's not that bad, just a lot of pain and some swelling. Probably a copperhead, they think. He'll be home tomorrow."

I think I'm going to be sick. I don't really know why all of a sudden, but really, I think I'm going to be sick. "Is he mad?" I manage to ask.

"Mad?" he asks with his usual light chuckle. Kind of like Howie, nothing seems to really bother Brian either. "Why'd he be mad?"

"'Cause it's my fault," I tell him. Yeah, I'm definitely going to be sick. I've done some stupid things, and I've gotten into my share of arguments, but no one has ever ended up in a hospital because of it.

"How's that?" he asks. "Did you put the snake there?" I shake my head, widening my eyes. "Did you piss it off intentionally?" I just keep shaking my head and mumble 'no.' "Did you know it was going to happen?" There's another 'no' out of my mouth. "Then how is it your fault? It was an accident, and it just happened, Nick. No one's fault."

"But I was the one that stopped. I was the one that was yelling."

Brian shrugs. "So?"

"So? If I didn't…"

He leans forward to rest his elbows on his knees and looks me right in the eyes. "You didn't mean for anything to happen, Nick. We all know that. You couldn't have known there was a snake in the area. Kevin didn't either. You lost your temper, but you didn't make this happen. No one is blaming you." He tilts his head slightly. "Well, no one but you, maybe. You handled it all great. You helped him down the trail, went and got help when you could. You stayed calm. You did everything you could do under the circumstances."

"But he still got bit."

"And he'll be fine. If it makes you feel any better, he's beating himself up over it thinking he should have known too. Personally, I think you're both kind of nuts thinking it was anything other than an accident, but that's me."

"So…you're not…" I really feel like I'm going to puke. "I'm not being sent home?"

"We're not sending you home over something you had no control over." He leans back and smiles. "It's okay, Nick, really. You can come with me to the hospital if you want if you don't believe me." My head is spinning. Totally confused. If I was home, this whole thing would be my fault. I'd be getting screamed at for not thinking about what I was doing, or paying better attention. I never pay close enough attention to anything, no matter how hard I try. And I do try! I just get distracted or something and it's always too late. "Nick?" I look back over to Brian. "Really," he smiles with a firm, slow nod, "it's okay."

"I think I'm gonna be sick," I mumble before I scramble over to one of the big garbage cans near the door and hurl right in it.

Before I know it, Brian's standing behind me with his hand at the back of my neck. "You okay?" I just nod, leaning over the garbage can, clutching the sides and feeling pretty shaky. That never happened before and I feel pretty stupid now. He leaves a second and comes back with a wet paper towel and hands it to me.

"I don't know what happened," I mumble, wiping my mouth with a shaking hand. "That's never happened before. Like, ever."

"I won't say a word," he promises, rubbing my back, and smiling gently. "That's apparently a lot of pressure off your shoulders, ain't it? Were you really that scared?"

"I never sent anyone to the hospital before."

"Well, the snake did, you didn't."

"Well, yeah, but…" I release a heavy breath. "Stuff like that doesn't usually make a difference."

"Stuff like what?"

I walk back into the common room and sit down, trying to stop shaking. "I don't know, the truth, I guess? It's usually something I do, or don't do, or should have paid attention to, you know? I guess I'm just used to being the one in trouble, or getting blamed. And hell, no one's ever gone to the hospital before and I was just waiting for someone to tell me what I should have done, or something."

He walks over to the soda machine and hands me a Coke when he comes back. "That's…" he pauses as he sits down, "a lot of pressure, ain't it?" All I can do is shrug, and take a sip of the soda. "Okay, let me rephrase that. That's a lot of pressure."

It takes a minute, but I finally look at him and he's just watching me and I don't feel like he's judging me, or doubting me, either. "Sometimes," I answer cautiously, waiting for that change in his expression. You know the one…it starts out like they're going to listen and then scoff when you tell them how you really feel, followed by the lecture about how you don't know what you're talking about. But all he does is blink and nod slowly, like he almost understands or something. "But I'm the oldest, right? I'm supposed to be able to take care of the little ones."

"When you can," he tells me. "You can't control every move they make, can you?"

I just lift an eyebrow and it's me that scoffs at him. "Shit like that don't matter. I'm supposed to. I'm supposed to make sure they don't get in trouble, or get hurt, or something."

"And when they do?"

"They can't."

"But, what happens when they do?"

"I get to explain to my parents what happened and why it did and what I was doing when it did."

"Then what?"

"Then I get in trouble for it."

He shakes his head slightly, looking sad. "That's not very fair, is it?"

"Someone has to be responsible for them."

"Uh, what about your parents being responsible for them? Why aren't they watching them in the first place?"

"Because they've got a job to do. It's my job to help…only, sometimes…I don't do it all that great. But it's not like I don't try. There's three of them, though, and two of those are twins. It's not all that easy!"

"Nick, no one is saying it is. No one should expect you to take on that much responsibility. You're still a kid yourself, really."

"No, I'm not!" I hate that most of all. I'm not a kid anymore. "I'm old enough to know right from wrong and take responsibility for it! I know better!"

"Nick…what are you taking responsibility for?" I look up at him, realizing that this conversation has gone from Kevin's snake bite to the reason why my parents sent me here. They think it's my fault, and really, it isn't. I didn't know what they were doing. I didn't know where they were. But I answer myself quickly. 'I should have. I shouldn't have been playing video games. I should have been watching them closer.' But how was I supposed to know BJ had cigarettes? How was I supposed to know that the twins were snooping through her pocketbook to find them? "What're you thinking about, Nick?"

"They think it's me," I tell him, hearing the quiet guilt in my voice. "They think I'm the one that had them, but it's not. But I can't tell them it's BJ, because they'd want to know how she got them if I was watching her. And I don't know how she got them. But if I tell them that, they're going to be more pissed. But I don't smoke and I didn't know BJ did. And the twins were just curious."

"What happened, Nick?"

"The curtains went up in the living room because I came out when the twins were trying to smoke. Only, they got scared and tired to hide it by putting it behind the curtains and the next thing I know, there's smoke and then there's flames and I grabbed them and pulled them outside, and called 911. And the cops called my parents and it was a huge mess and they think it was me. But it wasn't me. I didn't do it. But the twins are too scared to tell them what happened, and I didn't know where they got it in the first place until afterwards, when BJ told me at the police station. But they don't believe me. They think I'm just trying to blame someone else and not take responsibility for it. But…" It's all rushing out of my mouth, probably because Brian looks like he really believes what I'm saying. He's not interrupting me, or asking questions. He's just looking at me with his mouth partly open, trying to figure out what I'm saying. "I should have been watching them closer. I don't know how BJ got them, or why. I am taking responsibility."

"All right, Nick?" He leans over and puts his hands on my knees, making sure to look me in the eye. "You got them out of danger. You did do the right thing."

"It shouldn't have happened, though, Brian. It should never have happened in the first place, and that's all they care about! If I had been doing what they asked me to do, it never would have happened in the first place!"

"You didn't show them how to light a cigarette. You didn't tell them it was okay to do that, though. They knew it was wrong, right? They knew you'd yell at them if you saw them, right?"

"They're just little! They didn't know what could happen!"

"They knew what they were doing was wrong or they would have said something."

I shake my head at him, snickering. "You don't know my mom. She scares anyone when she gets going. That's why I'm here. She scared the cops into doing something other than sending me to a detention center 'cause that's where they wanted to send me. They think I did it on purpose. I was already pulled in for getting in trouble at school for stupid pranks. They think I did it on purpose and was trying to…I don't know what they think. But mom screamed until they got me into this place. She doesn't want to look at me. She doesn't want me close enough that she would have to visit me. She thinks I did it on purpose, too."

"Isn't there someone that will listen to you? Believe you?"

I don't realize I have tears in my eyes until Brian becomes blurry. "I'm looking at 'im."


"Well God damn," I mumble, looking over to Brian as we head back to camp. "No wonder he doesn't trust his own shadow. He second guesses everything he does and still thinks he's wrong."

Brian nods, staying quiet for a while. "He's in one hell of a situation."

"That explains his behavior though," I say, watching the trees along the side of the road pass by quickly. "He's bound to explode if he's constantly holding back."

Brian's nodding again when I look over to him. "Makes sense that he'd haul off and punch Justin yesterday, too. Justin just added more pressure to him already feeling guilty about what happened to you. Not that Justin didn't deserve what was coming to him, but I think he was a little shocked that Nick would actually hit him."

I have to chuckle. "Well, I can't say I blame him for that. I'm kind of shocked he did, too. That's kind of what Justin's intentions were, though, I think. Pick on the one least likely to fight back, right? I know that's what I usually did."

Brian glances over at me. "Dude, I was usually the one picked on, I wouldn't know."

"'Cause you never fought me back," I tease. I can tease him about it now seeing as I was the one that used to pick on him all the time. Nothing serious, just your typical kid stuff, but I do think it's kind of funny that all these years later he's one of my closest friends. Maybe I should tell Justin that and see what he says.

"And here I am saving your life," Brian teases back. "Maybe I should-a thought about all that before taking you to the hospital. Made you apologize or something."

"Well, I do apologize," I tell him, sinking a bit more comfortably in the seat and opening the window a crack more. "If I knew you were so cool back then, I might not have bugged you as much."

"Yeah," he laughs, "now you kiss my ass!"

"Better safe than sorry, right?" I laugh. "It's a long walk up hill if you decide to make me walk back."

"Yeah, you've got a point there. Good thing for you I'm a nice guy and don't hold grudges."

"So, how'd you leave it with Nick?"

"I just let him go think," he tells me. "He wasn't in any real condition to keep talking and I think he was more than a little embarrassed I saw him cry, poor guy. He was quiet the rest of the night, but he hung out for a little while before lights out. I think AJ forced him out of the cabin."

"Was that because he was being nice, or because he was annoying the shit out of him and he had to leave?"

"Maybe a bit of both?" Brian chuckles as we turn onto the road leading up to the camp. "But it's a good thing. I think it was good for him. He had his ass kicked at poker, but at least he didn't have time to dwell on anything for a few hours."

"And Justin left him alone?"

Brian busts into a laugh. "Dude, Howie had them all scared to death to make a false move!"

"Howie?"

"Apparently after the fight, Howie put the fear of God into them somehow. All he had to do was look cross-eyed at one of them and they had their tails between their legs. I don't know what he did, or what he said, but… Maybe they'll stop taking advantage of his good nature now."

"Wow…Howie, huh?"

"He might just be good at this social work thing after all."

"He's a fair guy. I think he'll be fine once he learns it's okay to discipline every now and then."

"I think he learned it," Brian tells me. "Or, at least is starting to. So, yeah, basically, it was a quiet day after everything settled down." He nudges his elbow into me. "See? The whole place doesn't go to hell in a hand basket if you're not around after all, dude."

"So, y'all don't need me? I can take that vacation I want after all?"

"Don't go getting lazy," he warns playfully.

"I'm gonna go insane," I tell him seriously. "Light duty is going to drive me insane."

"I'm pretty confident you'll figure out how to take it out on the rest of us somehow."

"Yeah, so am I." I nod in agreement as we take the last turn into camp.


"Corners!" Kevin yells over the music blasting through the system in the dining hall. "You're forgetting the corners!"

"But you said…"

He tosses a sponge at Josh. "Clean! We want it clean!"

"We?" AJ mutters, snickering over to me. "Personally, I don't care what the corners look like."

"Freakin' Bleach Nazi," I snicker back, tossing more cleaner into the sink I'm scouring. "When can he go back into the hills and get lost?"

"A little bit of scrubbing and y'all are acting like it's the hardest physical labor you've ever done," Kevin says standing behind us. "Just think, when you go home, cleaning will be a piece of cake after this."

AJ looks up at him with shock all over his face, trying not to burst into a laugh. "Cleaning? Dude, I've never done this at home, and I can tell you, I'm not about to start, either."

"One of these days, Little Man, you might surprise yourself…and your ma. It wouldn't kill."

"But it would ruin my rough and tough reputation…and just look what it's doing to my soft, delicate hands!" He drops the sponge and shows Kevin his pruned, dripping hands.

All Kevin does is shake his head and point back to the counter AJ's been cleaning. "You missed a spot." He looks over at me. "And I can get lost in the hills in a few more days…and I've got news for you. Y'all are coming with me." He turns around to address the rest of the group. "Y'all had better hurry up. We have to get lunch started and if we're late… Well, I'm not responsible for the riot that ensues."

"Hang on a minute," Justin pipes up, throwing his sponge into a bucket of water, "we're doing all this and making lunch?" Kevin nods at him. "So, we're cleaning all this just to clean it again?"

"No. We're cleaning this because it was disgusting. And then we're making lunch, and then we're cleaning up after lunch. It'll be that much easier afterwards since you're putting some good elbow grease into it now."

"This is bullshit," Justin grumbles, crossing his arms defiantly. "We didn't make this fuckin' mess, why the hell are we cleaning it up? Just because you can't drag our asses up a hill and back again?"

"That's pretty much it, yeah," Kevin answers. "And if you have a problem with the work detail, I can make other arrangements."

"Is this another threat about being sent home?"

Kevin looks like he's considering the question briefly before answering. "Not really. At least, it's not a threat. When you signed up for this program, work detail was part of it and you agreed to take part in the program. If you don't want to do the program, then there's no point in keeping you on. Your choice."

"I just want to know what the point is. That's all I'm asking."

"Actually, you didn't ask anything. You complained. There's a difference."

"So, complaining isn't allowed either? We have to whistle while we work and be happy too?"

"Complain away," Kevin motions to Justin's bucket. "Just make sure you're working while you do it." Justin looks as if he's ready to rip Kevin's head off and I'm not sure if he's going to pick up the bucket, or do something else. Doesn't look like he's too sure, either, but Kevin just stands there watching him expectantly. "Well?"

"Fuck this." Justin throws his hands up and walks out of the kitchen and no one makes a sound, or moves. We're just looking at each other in disbelief.

"Work," Kevin says, looking at the doorway as he heads towards it, clearly not happy.

None of us really start scrubbing, but in case Kevin comes back, we are sort of cleaning, wondering what's going to happen now. I can't believe Kevin would let him go over something like this. "Well, that was pretty stupid," AJ says to me quietly.

I kind of think so too, but wonder what would happen if I agreed seeing as Josh and Lance are still here. "Think Kevin'll really send him back?" I ask instead and AJ nods. "Over this?"

"No bullshit," AJ says. "Kevin doesn't take bullshit. And really, think about it. Justin's leaving because he doesn't want use a sponge? I've cleaned worse things out of the crack of my ass."

"That's a little too much information, thanks," I chuckle, shaking my head at AJ.

"You know what I mean," AJ tells me with one of his smiles, rolling his eyes. "And anyway, Kevin isn't sending him home. Justin made the choice, didn't he? Kevin doesn't send anyone home, no matter how much you fuck up. I should know. Last year, one of the guys and me stole the freakin' truck and went drinking in town and we didn't get sent back."

"You're kidding me!"

"Oh, he was pissed, don't get me wrong, and I wasn't left unsupervised for a second afterwards, but the point is, he didn't send me back and that's a lot worse than refusing to make the kitchen smell lemony fresh."

"Maybe he'll change his mind."

"Who, Justin?"

"Yeah. Maybe he'll change his mind. Don't you have to go to some detention center if you leave the program?"

"Probably."

Yeah, Justin's an ass. Can't say I'm having the time of my life today, but it's not worth leaving over. I shrug a bit and turn back to the grunge on the floor I've been cleaning. Honestly? I don't really mind doing this kind of stuff. I know it's just for a little while, and then have the rest of the day to just chill out, and I don't have to watch anyone else either. It's just me, hanging out and I'm almost wondering if something isn't wrong. Because, well, this is supposed to be some kind of punishment, isn't it? But for the most part, it doesn't really feel like it. I don't feel the pressure like I usually feel when I'm at home; like, if I screw something up, I'm not gonna get reamed. Hell, Kevin went to the hospital, and they all act like it's no big deal.

"So, really, why'd you come back?" I ask AJ curiously. "It ain't 'cause you like cleaning. You kind of suck at it, to be honest."

He shrugs, intently watching the counter he's cleaning for a minute. "I just…" Then he looks over at me, glances over his shoulder quickly to make sure no one else is listening and looks back to me. "There's a lot of shit going on at home and I had to get out of there." He looks back to the counter, almost like he's embarrassed. "I, uh, didn't trust myself."

"Why not?"

He just shakes his head. "Don't want to talk about it. This was just better." He concentrates for a minute before glancing down to the floor where I'm cleaning. "You missed a spot," he chuckles, pouring cleaner down and powder just poofs right up into my face. As he laughs, he looks over, drops the sponge and walks over to the door, sticking a cigarette into his mouth and lights it, leaning back against the doorframe.

"See anything?" Josh asks from where he's standing near the refrigerator.

"They're just talking," AJ says after exhaling and flicking ashes out the door. He stands up, widening his eyes. "Oh my God! They're fighting!" he exclaims. "Holy shit! Justin just punched Kevin!" He winces, his mouth gaping open. "He's down…Justin's got a rock in his hand! Oh my God, he's going to hit Kevin in the head!"

We're tripping over each other trying to get to the door or window to see. Just as we get halfway across the kitchen, Kevin walks in the door with a smirk to AJ and shaking his head. He smacks the back of AJ's head with his hand and tells him to put out the cigarette and get back to work. He stops, looking at me, and cracks up. "What the hell happened to you?" I figure out then that I'm still covered in green cleaning dust and just point to AJ.

"So? Is Justin leaving?" Josh asks, leaning on the counter.

Kevin nods easily. "Yeah. He doesn't feel he's getting anything worthwhile out of the program."

"So, you're just letting him go?"

"Can't make him stay," Kevin answers with a casual shrug. "His choice."

"And that's it?" Lance asks. "You're just going to let him go? You're not going to try and talk him out of it?"

"He made his decision. What do you suggest I do?"

"Tell him he's wrong!" Lance said.

"You want to try?" Kevin offers. "Go ahead. He doesn't want to listen to thing I have to say."

"You wouldn't let him go like this," Lance accuses, pointing to me.

"If he wanted to, I would." Don't bring me into this. I don't have anything to do with it. But that doesn't keep me from looking down and chewing on my lip, though. Feeling guilty for no reason. I don't understand where they're all coming up with this idea that he's favoring me. Yeah, I go with Kevin in the morning, but I don't get out of the work they all do. He doesn't go easier on me or something. I'm not even asking, or trying to get out of anything. "Any of you." He looks to us all. "You don't have to be here. You don't have to stay. You don't have to agree with me, and I'm not asking you to agree with me. But if you don't, I expect you to state your case with facts, and not come up with rumors or excuses. I expect y'all to talk to me like a reasonable adult and discuss the situation rationally. If you have something to say, say it. I'm going to listen. I want to discuss it, but I'm not a mind reader. I don't know what y'all are thinking, or why." We all just look at him, silent. "If you don't want to talk to me, talk to Brian, or Howie. Write it down and slip it under one of our doors. Do something other than storm off and give up." He does a sweep of the room with his eyes, making sure he looks at each of us. "I know some of you don't have the best track record, or feel all that comfortable talking about what you want, or think you'll be listened to, but all I can do is let you know that I will. That goes for Brian and Howie, too. We're here to give you a chance, but in order to do that, you have to give us one, too."

And you know what? I want to believe him now, too. How the hell does he do it?

"Hey Kev?"

I lift my head up from the pillow and blink into the darkness, trying to figure out why I'm awake. There's another knock on the door. "Hey, Kev?" That's why I'm awake. I mumble something like 'yeah' and the door opens. Brian's standing there, his hair's sticking up. "AJ's askin' for you."

"Yeah…alright." I drop back down and stretch beneath the blanket before forcing myself to sit up and rub my face awake. After pulling on a tee shirt and pair of shorts, I head downstairs to where AJ's sitting nervously on the couch. "Hey…" I say, my voice sounding groggy and scratchy. "What's up?"

He looks up to me, his eyes scared and he looks petrified. "I'm sorry…" He stands up and looks like he's looking for the way out. "I didn't mean to…I'm sorry…" He's found the door and starts for it, but luckily I'm closer, step in front of it and put my arm around his shoulder to guide him back inside.

"D'you drink coffee?" I ask, leading him further into the house. We don't have the regular cabin. Ours is a lot more like a house, real kitchen, upstairs bedrooms, dining room, and living room. Brian and I live here year round so it's got all the comforts. I leave him at the kitchen table and start making a pot of coffee. I have a feeling we're going to be a while…if I can get him to talk. He obviously wants to if he's here at…I glance to the clock on the stove…3:45 in the morning. He doesn't say a word until I join him at the table while the coffee maker sputters to life. "What's up, Aje?"

"I don't know what to do," he says with a shaking voice as he looks down to the table. "I'm sorry…I just didn't know what else to do. I didn't really think…I mean, I wasn't thinking that everyone'd be asleep. I'm sorry…"

"Don't worry about it," I say casually with a lift of my shoulder. "What's on your mind?"

He lifts his eyes to me and they're filled with tears. "I killed someone," he whispers.

Fuck. Me. Be calm. Be calm. "What? When?"

He just closes his eyes for a minute and attempts to breathe. "It was one thing just hanging out and being loud, you know?" he says, "but, it's something else now. And the guys I'm hangin' with started selling dope." He looks at me with fear in his eyes. "I didn't. I swear to you, I haven't. But they want me to, and they were starting to get pissed at me when I said I didn't want any part of it. But the thing is, some other guys have figured out they're selling and…" He's shaking his head, looking down to the table. "Right before I came here, a bunch of them jumped us and I…I narc'ed. I may as well throw myself off one of the trails if they find out, and I begged them to send me here so I could be miles away when they did the bust. And I was…but one of them…" His eyes fill with tears again and he wipes them off his cheek quickly, almost angrily. "That phone call from my mom tonight? One…" his voice cracks, "one of…my best friend is dead…and I killed him 'cause I'm the one that told them…."

Oh, man, this sucks. He's totally breaking down on me, and with every right. This is heavy shit on so many levels. The only thing I can think to do is get up and kneel next to him, let him cry on my shoulder until the first round of fear and tears are over. I wrap my hand around the back of his neck and just do my best to comfort him. Slowly, he lifts his head from my shoulder and swipes at the remaining tears in his eyes and cheeks, looking tired and miserable. I'm not going to draw attention to any of it, just nod and look him right in the eyes and he nods back that he's okay - for now.

I pour the coffee and set the mug down in front of him, taking the seat next to him. "I'm not gonna lie and say it doesn't suck," I start, dumping some sugar into my mug. "But you do know that it's not your fault, right? Not really, right?" He's busying himself with coffee, and he probably doesn't drink it anyway, but it's something to keep him occupied for a minute as he pours a ton of sugar in. "You want milk, too?" He nods, and I get it for him, taking my seat next to him. "It's not your fault, AJ."

He just keeps shaking his head, stirring the coffee and I hear another ragged breath. "I told them where to go…led them right to where it would all go down," he says quietly. "If it wasn't for me…"

"If it wasn't for you, how many other innocent people would be dead? Addicted? How many families would be hurt and torn apart because of what they were selling?"

"It wasn't…" he tries to argue with me, but when he looks at me, I think he knows the truth. "He wasn't a bad guy, Kevin. He's my best friend…was my best friend. I don't know what happened! I don't know when it all got fucked up like this! And now, when I go back, they're gonna know it was me. They're gonna know…"

"You were five hundred miles away, AJ. And it wasn't you. You weren't there. You weren't selling the shit. You weren't part of it. You made sure you weren't part of it from the beginning. You were smart enough not be involved and did what you could to make it right. Your friend doesn't have to be evil, but he was wrong. You know that, in your heart…it was wrong."

"But…" He exhales and closes his eyes. "I didn't try hard enough, Kev. What if I didn't try hard enough? I ran away and came here so I didn't have to be part of it…how come that's right? I should have been there with him. I shouldn't have let them know…stayed out of it."

"You were put in the middle of it, though, AJ. You said you didn't want any part of it. You didn't sell it. You told them you didn't want to, but they were putting on the pressure." He starts crying again, and I reach out to hold onto his wrist. "You can't make everyone safe, AJ. You just can't, no matter how hard you try. The best thing you can do is make sure you're safe and doing everything you can to stay on the straight and narrow. The only thing you're guilty of is being smart and getting the hell out of it when you got the chance. YOU didn't put the drugs in his pockets. YOU didn't pressure him to sell them. YOU didn't condone it. You didn't tell him to be there when the cops came. This was all his choice when he decided to be a dealer. YOU didn't kill him…" He cries harder and drops his forehead into his palm. "AJ, you didn't kill him. He made his choices and had to deal with the consequences. We all have to deal with the consequences of our actions…and deep down, I think we all know when we make the right and wrong choices. You made the right choice. You're here…it was the right choice."

"He was my best friend, Kevin! I narc'ed on my best friend."

"You just did what you thought was right, AJ. You didn't know how it would end. You just tried to end it because you knew what they were doing was wrong. Come on, AJ! Believe in yourself here. You didn't kill him…you tried to save him. He didn't want to hear you." He seems to listening, although it's hard to tell now that his head is down on the table. "AJ, honestly, listen to me, man. He couldn't have been as good of a friend as you want to believe if he got into this and totally disregarded what you said. Any friend, any best friend, would have respected you when you said you didn't want any part of it. He could have left you out of it. He could have done it when you weren't around. He could have not pressured you to do it to. You may have been close, but this whole thing changed him, didn't it?" AJ lifts his head slowly, but looks straight ahead. "It changed you, right? How you talked to him? What you did with him? Right? Were you two still close after it all started?" He just shakes his head. "Did you keep trying to talk to him about it anyway?"

"Yeah."

"Did you ever give up? Is that why you're feeling like this? Do you think you let him down somehow because you stopped trying?"

"He didn't want to listen," he says with a hint of anger in his shaking voice.

"So, that's what you're feeling, AJ." I clasp my hand at the back of his neck. "You know you didn't kill him…don't punish yourself for making the right choices and doing the right thing. It's okay to be angry with him for not listening to you. It's okay to feel all the emotions you're going to feel, but try to remember that at the end of the day, you did the right thing and you tried to do the right thing for him, too. You can't force anyone to change their mind, AJ. He wasn't the guy you knew, right?"

"He was an asshole lately," he admits quietly. "It just…it was all he thought about, or talked about. It was always about getting more to sell, finding new places to do the deals. He didn't do anything else it seems. We just…we used to be stupid and hang and just…whatever. But he didn't have time for that anymore and it was always about 'the business.'"

"Just try to understand why he did what he did, and remember him as the friend he was before all of this happened. Remember him as a friend." That brings on another flow of quiet tears and I just hold onto his shoulder as he cries, telling him it's 'okay.' I know nothing seems okay when someone you love dies, especially when it's too soon and tragic, but it is okay to feel whatever emotions you have even if it doesn't make a whole hell of a lot of sense at the time.

Slowly, he settles back down into silence and starts to sip the coffee in front of him. I sit back and sip at mine, waiting for him to make the next move. I don't want to push him to keep talking, but if he wants to, I want to be here to listen. "So, this is why you're here." He nods again and takes another swallow of his coffee. "What're you going to do when you get home, Aje?"

"You mean besides trying not to get killed when they find out what I did?"

"How's anyone going to