Goin' On For Years

by Cori

January 1997

Kevin

I'm sleeping on the couch and in one of those places where I'm awake enough to hear everything, but asleep enough to not be able to tell anyone around me that I can hear them. I can't even roll over or move, but I hear them talking and wonder how good of a situation this is going to be. I guess it's not bad…I don't have to guess at whether or not they get along. They seem to have one thing in common…me. My ma can talk about her kids for hours if she has a captive audience, and Kris is ready to hear every little detail about my life growing up in Kentucky, it seems.

They could have waited for this conversation until I was actually awake, couldn't they? I'm still trying to recover from the last few Canadian dates and catch up on the missed sleep. We had an amazing time in Quebec, too. New Years performance and it was insane. I don't think there was a single person in our little entourage that managed to stay sober, including Nick, and surprisingly, the show the following night still went on without a hitch - hang overs and all. Guess we're professionals after all, huh? And Nick, the little punk-ass, ordered room service for me with a personalized card of 'payback's a bitch.'

I'll get him back. Some how, some day, when he's least expecting it, I will get him back.

But for now, Nick's back in Florida with the rest of the fellas while Brian and I came back to Kentucky for a few days. Kristin got a few days off from the show and flew out to meet me…and the rest of the family. She's got the guest room and I got the couch. I'll never understand that. Ma knows we're adults, and we're together, but there was "absolutely no way on Earth" that we were sharing a room under her roof without a wedding. Out of respect for her reputation and her family… When I asked who was going to know, she only gave me that motherly scolding look. That pretty much means I lost the battle. We're twenty-seven years old and we're supposed to be virgins? Am I going to want to think the same thing of my kids when I have them? Yeah…probably.

"He looked so tired last night," ma's saying.

"I know," Kristin answers her. "He's been working so hard. And if you saw the preliminary schedule for what they've got going in the next few weeks… I don't know how they keep up. Especially Nick and AJ. It's hard to remember they're only teenagers sometimes."

"It's a lot of hard work to do what they want to do," ma says in that agreeing tone. "And it seems like they're managing to conquer every country."

Yeah, every one but America…

"Every one but here," Kris says, reading my thought. "They can't get arrested here. Isn't that funny? They're mega-stars in Germany, huge in England and Canada…but no one seems to want to know them here."

"He sends home some of the European magazines. I can't read a word of it, but their pictures are all over them and there's enough exclamation marks that I can figure out they're popular. America will follow along. I just don't like that they push themselves so hard. Like you said, they're really young boys working. They need to be taking better care of themselves. Kevin's never been one to sit still for very long, but I always made sure he didn't push himself too hard. I worry that the others are pushing too hard."

Tell that to Lou, Johnny and Donna, would you?

"Someone needs to tell their managers that," Kristin replies. Can she read my mind? "And it's only going to get worse with this next tour they're starting. I think he said they've got something like thirty cities lined up already in Europe?"

"They're definitely getting an experience through all this, regardless of what happens," ma says, and if it's possible, I can hear the pride in her voice. "I knew my boys would be successful if they put their minds to whatever it was that they wanted to do, but Kevin has managed to surpass even my grandest of dreams for him."

"He does that," Kris says with a giggle.

I really should move and let them know I'm eavesdropping, shouldn't I? If only I could get the energy up to do that, or go to sleep. One or the other would be nice. But, then again, it's kind of interesting to hear what they really think.

"He still has a lot of growing up to do sometimes." Okay, Kev, come on…sleep or get up. This could get dangerous… "Then again, I said the same thing about his father to the day he died," ma chuckles. "He's very much like his father." Don't, ma…don't go there… "Such a strong determination. He gets that from his father. No one could ever tell him no without being proven wrong."

I don't have to see her to see the expression on her face. I know that look. Seen it all my life. It's a hint of a smile, a bit of pride, slight shake of her head. The typical 'what am I going to do with you?' type looks. I think it's the same look I give the fellas when they're being stupid and amusing.

"I love that about him," Kris tells her.

"I loved that about his father too, and hated it just as much," ma laughs.

"He can be so…passionate, though. When he's really fighting something he believes in. There's just a look in his eyes when he starts talking about the other boys, or the crew…"

"Or you," ma interrupts, making Kristin giggle lightly.

"You think so?"

Up, Kev…come on, get up. Danger Will Robinson…Danger!

"Like I said, he has a lot of growing up to do, still, Kristin. There's a very long road ahead of him, I think, before he can devote the time it takes to keep a relationship working. And that has nothing to do with you, dear, it's just…timing, I think. If you hang in there with him…"

"He'll be worth it?" Kristin finishes. "I think we both know that. We just get impatient and blow things out of proportion."

"Not my Kevin! Blowing things out of proportion?" They both laugh.

Okay…enough… "Can't y'all talk about the weather or something?" I mumble, forcing myself to roll over, or move my hand, or something. "I'm in the room, you know."

"Since when does that matter?" ma teases.

Okay, I'm up. I push myself up to peer over the back of the couch to where they're sitting at the dining room table. "Please, ma…at least pretend I'm your favorite in front of my girlfriend?"

She tilts her head to the side and pouts at me. "Oh, honey, I don't have to pretend. You're my favorite youngest son."

"Yeah," I snort, dropping back down, "thanks."

~

The car door closing sounds so isolated, and once it's closed, there's no sound at all. It's just quiet nothingness that encircles us as I stretch my hand out to Kristin. It's snowing lightly, but it's not bitterly cold, which is nice. It's just one of those real gentle snowfalls falling around us.

"Are we allowed to be here?" Kristin asks me, her voice hushed.

"Yeah," I answer, turning to kiss her nose quickly. "I called and told them we were coming to take a quick look around. It's cool."

"This is gorgeous, Kevin," she says, looking around the grounds. It is. It's winter at the Domain. It used to depress me sometimes because there was always so much activity during the summer, winter just felt lonely. But coming back now, it really is beautiful. Snow still clings to the branches of the trees and covers the roofs.

And if I close my eyes, I can feel my father all around me.

We don't say anything, just start down the road that circles the grounds, looking around. I slip my arm around her shoulder and she wraps her arm around my waist and rests her head against me. "I really wish you could have met my dad," I say. "He'd be so psyched about everything."

"I wish I could have met him too. Just listening to your mother and you talk about him…he sounds like he was a wonderful man."

"He was." I hate saying that. Was… I hate using past tense when I talk about him.

"He's still here, isn't he?"

I stop walking and look at her, feeling suddenly emotional and have tears in my eyes. Kris is totally bundled up, scarf wrapped around her neck, big knit hat, jacket zipped up all the way. Her cheeks and nose are red, and I can see her breath in the air...and she's never looked so beautiful. That's when it hits me. She knows me, feels my moods, understands my thoughts… She's the one, isn't she? I'm going to marry her someday.

She smiles at me and pulls off one of her mittens to wipe away a tear on my cheek. "Oh, baby, I know you miss him so much. But he's here…or where ever it is you need him to be." All I can do is pull her close and wrap my arms around her, closing my eyes tightly as I hold her against me. She understands I can't find words for what I'm feeling. I just want to know she's there too…where ever I am, I need her to be there too.


AJ

I scream. Plain and simple, I just scream. "Jesus Christ can we please do something else?" I walk in circles around the mic stand with my hands behind my head, growling.

"Well, we don't have this one down yet," Kevin says, obviously just as annoyed at everything as I am. "Can we at least finish one thing today?"

"I don't think so!" Brian answers him in a silly voice, and it doesn't go over very well. He makes a face and steps back, shrugging to Nick who's hesitantly giggling at him.

"Let's go." Kevin claps a couple of times and the rest fall back into position. I don't. I meant it. I can't do this one more time right now or I'm going to…I don't know what. "Alex, come on."

"Fuckin'…no!" Taking another step back, I shake my head and lift my hands up. "Let it drop already!"

Kevin drops his weight onto one foot, tilts his head and glares down at me. "Can you just grow up already? Do this, and we're done with it."

"Would you just let it drop for an hour? Jesus!" I kick the mic stand over and storm out of the studio. I don't care where we have to be in a week, or who's watching us now…if I stand there I'm going to kick over Kevin, or one of the other guys. I light a cigarette as I stomp down the hallway and push the back door open with all my might. I close my eyes and lift my head up, letting the sun hit my face. It's bright, even with my eyes closed…you know, like when you turn your head to a bright light it seems like it gets brighter? I can feel the sun like that, but then it gets darker, lost in a shade or something. I open my eyes to find Kevin standing in front of me, and man is he pissed.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asks me, his voice deep and low.

I inhale on my cigarette and blow the smoke out directly in his face. Because, you know, he's not pissed off enough, right? "Taking a smoke break."

He closes his eyes and pulls out of the smoke cloud, waving his hand in front of his face briefly…and I think for sure he's going to slap me. "Since when do you act like a fucking two year old?" Okay, he's starting to yell now. Imagine that, Kevin…yelling. All I do is roll my eyes at him and take another deep, long drag. Dear Jesus let me keep my sanity… "We don't have time for you to start being some kind of friggin' Prima Donna, Alex. Get over it and get your ass inside."

"Know what, Kev? I'll be a friggin' Prima Donna if want to be a friggin' Prima Donna! When someone asks for a break after working three fucking hours on the same Goddamned thing, they should be able to get a fucking break! I'm not asking to go home, I'm asking for a Goddamned break! Jesus H. Christ! We're human, okay?"

"After Brian takes his break when he wants one, and Nicky takes his break when he wants to…"

"There are frikkin' Child Labor Laws, Kevin! To protect people like me from people like you! Stop pushing already! I need to take five minutes and just clear my fucking head! Five minutes is not going to screw up our entire schedule!"

My God we are just ready to rip each others head's off! We're both annoyed, we're both pissed off, we're both tired. We should just go to our separate corners and not inflict bodily harm on one another. We know this. But we never follow through with it. It's easier to punch the person in front of you than walk away. Although I'm not sure why that is in the aftermath of it all. It hurts when you punch someone.

"Listen you little brat," Kevin sneers, "your five minutes about whining about five minutes has turned into half an hour!"

"Since when is five plus five, thirty?" I ask, starting to take a drag of my cigarette, but I don't get to finish it. That was a little too obnoxious for him, I guess, because that one earned me the first punch. But it only pisses me off more and I toss my cigarette down and bolt forward, throwing my shoulder into his chest and we land on the blacktop with a grunt. We're roll around, throwing misguided punches, but mostly cursing at each other before I'm being pulled off him, and he's being dragged back.

"Two years old, Kev? Who's acting like a fucking two year old?" I sneer at him, trying to pull away from Howie who's holding onto my tee shirt.

"All of this energy is being wasted out here instead of being placed where it should be." We all turn and see Lou standing at the top of the concrete steps by the door. "I thought I hired professionals."

Fuck…fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…. FUCK!

I pull away from Howie finally and walk around in circles. I am so pissed off I can't even see straight anymore and I don't even know why this has blown itself so far out of proportion.

"Shake hands like two mature adults and get back inside so we can continue working like mature adults," Lou orders. Now I do feel like a two year old. I want to stomp my feet and whine 'but he started it!' but don't. Kevin wipes the sweat from his forehead with his forearm and extends his other hand to me. Brotherly love, my ass - "Fine." I extend my hand, shake it once and stomp back inside. All those years of thinking I might have wanted a brother or sister, what the hell was I thinking? I don't want siblings. You can keep them if they're anything like Kevin. "What-the-fuck-ever."

~

It only takes another two hours until we get everything worked out properly. Kevin and I have kept our distance, glaring across the room at each other. We're in the cafeteria now with the crew, band, dancers…we're all here. The PA system is playing Frank Sinatra, I think…some big band, 40's, Swing type stuff. It's catchy and man they know how to sing. It's so smooth and easy.

Gee, Aje, ya think that's why they're called crooners?

I hang back, leaning against the wall and having the rest of my cigarette before going to get something to eat. I don't think I could eat, really. My stomach is in knots, and my head is still swimming in the last dance steps, trying to keep them in order in my head.

As soon as I finish, and just as I'm about to head over to the buffet table to see what's there, Kevin gets up from the table with the next song, grabbing our assistant Angela's hand and swings her out. She laughs out loud and shakes her head, but he doesn't let her go, and guides her through the steps. They laugh through the whole thing, but she gets the steps down soon enough and is twirling around the floor, being led by him.

Guess he really is good. I may get the steps before him usually, but he just adds his own flair to his moves. One of those guys that makes everything look so damn easy until you attempt it. But the dancing has lightened up the room. There's more talking as everyone watches and applause when they finish. He lifts Angela's hand as she does a curtsey and she is beet red as Kevin pulls her into a hug. I think that's the way he blows off steam, maybe? He just does something completely different than what we were doing, light hearted, easy and automatic. Brian and Nick usually go and play some one on one. Howie makes a phone call and talks to anyone that's not in the room, and I have a cigarette.

We just need to blow off some steam sometimes. And sometimes that steam is directed at each other. I keep telling myself we're all just tired, but really, there's a lot more to it than that. We're not just tired, we're feeling our nerves. This is a big tour for us, and we're playing outdoor venues…the biggest crowds we've performed in front of ever. It's another steppingstone to making it at home, and I know I don't want to make an ass of myself. I'm willing to do the work, but I need time to freak out a bit in private. Kevin needs to work through his and be the perfectionist he is. He's giving us his all and expects us to give him the same in return. Different work ethics is what it comes down to, doesn't it?

If Kevin and I ever went to the same school, I've decided that I'd probably hate him. He was one of those guys that never gave guys like me a second look until I got in their way. And girls? Forget about it. He had all the girls crushed out on him, Mr. Football - and then had the nerve to be in theater too? Like it's not hard enough for the Theater Geeks to get a date, the Football Captain has to mooch in on that territory too?

And great, he's coming over this way. "You still pissed?" he asks me, sticking his hands into the pockets of his sweats. "Cause, you know, I didn't mean any of that."

"I was just thinking about how I'd have hated you if we were in high school together," I answer with a wide smile.

"Good thing we're not in high school, I guess," he says, giving me an odd look, but smiles. "Does that mean you don't hate me now or somethin'?"

I give him a look and lean back against the wall again. "Kev…" I should just say it, shouldn't I? We need to be able to talk to each other, for Christ's sake. He's not going to hurt me. We're chill now. "You need to chill out sometimes." Those eyes focus on me, absorbing my thoughts, and he nods slightly, biting his lips together. Okay…so far, so good, right? "You get too intense for me, dude. Back off when I ask you to, okay? I'm doing the best I can."

"I know you are," he says thoughtfully with another small nod.

"We all are. We don't work the same way you do, but we get to the same end, you know? We're all doing the best we can."

"Aje…I'm sorry, man. I know I got carried away and I pushed you too far. I just…"

"We both just…" We don't need to say it. We know what we mean. "I'm just saying you need to back off a bit sometimes and let us work at our own paces, okay?"

"Sure." Imagine that, I'm still breathing. I'm not even injured. That was pretty damn easy after all! "You gonna go eat something before it disappears? Nick's going through another growth spurt or something. He's eating everything in sight. You'd better get it while the getting's good."

"You know, he was such a little pipsqueak. He's going to be bigger than you at this rate."

"Yeah, but I'll still be smarter," he teases with a laugh. "Little punk-ass that he is."

"Everyone's a punk-ass to you, aren't they?"

He considers that for a second and nods. "Pretty much, yeah. You too. Now go eat something." He nudges me with his shoulder and heads out of the cafeteria. And that's that. See? This is why it's so much easier to deal with guys than girls. That's it. We're fine. Nothing ever happened.

February 1997

AJ

I am in the twilight zone. I just walked past the make up trailer and Kevin's in there alone blasting ACDC, singing along and playing a pillow like a guitar. We just got done with our run through for the 'Unplugged' we're filming tonight. I'm still in this calm, mellow place hearing 'Ten Thousand Promises' in my mind, and he's screaming 'Highway to Hell'? He's playing a pillow? I wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it.

And of course, I can't keep this to myself!

So I go back to the stage and drag Howie and Nick, shushing them when they try to ask what's going on. We turn the corner of the make-up trailer and I point inside. Luckily ACDC songs seem to last forever. Kevin's still prancing around the trailer, but if the pillow was a guitar, it'd be splinters now.

It would be nice if we could stay quiet, but the second Nick sees him, he busts out, doubles over laughing and leans on the trailer. This doesn't even phase Kevin though. He jumps over and starts singing to Nick, twirling the pillow over his head and leaps down the steps. Howie becomes the rhythm guitarist and joins in, and that might surprise me more than Kevin. Howie knows ACDC? Dude, they have been living together way too long! He's not even all that surprised!

"Take it home, Howster!" Kevin calls, and Howie drops to his knees, playing air guitar and Nicky and I are on the floor, rolling around in hysterics. My stomach hurts, and I can't breathe. Nick's bright red, kicking his feet and it looks like we've all lost it. But that's nothing until Brian finds us and the look on his face sends us all over the edge. We are beyond geeks. We are total losers!

And I can't even tell you how much I love these dawgs!

~

We hear the audience filing in and we are pumped. At first, I wanted to pull Lou and Johnny aside and try to explain to them that, 'yo, you can't unplug a voice.' We're always real, but now that we've spent a marathon week preparing for this gig, I'm pumped and am getting behind the mission. We're calling it 'unplugged', but all it is is another kind of showcase. This time, we're not performing for record labels, we're performing for the media and showing them this is 100% Backstreet.

But as soon as we hear our audience filing in, I know we're not going to pay attention to the cameras. There's an audience and we're giving them our all. Forget the media…the faces looking back at us are always what it comes down to. We are always going to be proving ourselves to the media. It's a fact we just have to ignore at this point. We are real and anyone who wants to pay attention to that is going to see it. Anyone who doesn't just doesn't want to see. It's as simple as that.

~

It's as simple as that…when there's adrenaline in your system and you're high on it. But when it's all over, and you're trying to come down it's a different story. We're our own worst critics, which really shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. It's not, is it?

Right now, we're back on the bus and heading to Germany. It's going to be a good five hours before we're settled in a hotel, and none of us have come down yet. Our body guards are sitting in the back, and we've taken over the kitchenette section. Kevin, Howie and me are at the little table and Brian and Nick are on the couch across the way and we haven't shut up yet.

"Nah, it was good," Brian's saying, "but I went…" He sings a note and makes a face. "I shouldn't have gone flat and when I did, I threw you off." He points to Howie, and Howie smiles and nods.

"Well, he would have if he was singing his note instead of mine," Nick says, tilting his head knowingly at Howie. "That's why we didn't hear it. We were doubling up."

"I was hitting my note," Howie defends himself. "You were singing my note."

"No way! I so was not!" Nick argues.

"Dude! I heard you!" Howie answers him, scoffing.

"Wait a minute," Kevin interrupts, pointing a finger to Howie, "what were you singing?"

"A," he answers, and sings the note. We crack up and I nudge my shoulder into him. "What? That's my note!"

"That's Nicky's note, you freak!" Brian teases as Nick shakes some of the bottled water his direction.

"No! It's…" he pauses, and looks at us. All we do is shake our heads at him. "Since when?"

"Uh, since we learned the dang thing!" Brian answers.

"Okay, so we need to work on that I guess," Kevin chuckles, sitting back and sipping a beer.

"And, how about you two?" Howie says, looking to me and Brian. "Like A Child?" he continues when we blink at him. I was hoping they wouldn't notice that. We're supposed to sing the B chorus together, and I got ahead of him.

"But I thought I covered it well," I say with a smile and nod, hoping to end it there and squelch that feeling in the pit of my stomach. Brian giggles and nudges me with his foot. "What? I thought I did!" I swallow a swig of beer and slouch down.

"You did," Howie says, "no one else noticed. But it's still something to work on." I lift an eyebrow at him, trying to push it off playfully. "What? If I have to suddenly sing a new note…"

"It's the note you're always supposed to have sung!" Nick interjects with a laugh.

Cool…bring it back to Howie. He handles this shit a lot better than I do. It's one thing when we're talking about a show, but this was recorded and now, every time I watch it, or someone brings it up, I'm going to see this huge glaring mistake.

"We'll work on it," Brian says, smiling easily at me as if he's just read my thought. "Like he said, we covered it well. We're professionals."

Some professional…let's see if I can screw up some other song we've only been performing for a few years…

April 1997

Kevin

If I could purr, I'd purr. Sun is streaming in through the window. I'm lying on my belly in a warm, soft bed and she's running her fingers through my hair and scratching my neck lightly. I've finally managed to catch my breath and could drift right off to sleep. But I can't because I have to get up and go to our breakfast meeting and interview. I know this because the person who's supposed to make sure we stick to the schedule is the one lying next to me, Angela, our personal assistant.

"Can't we change the schedule?" I mumble into the mattress before rolling over and placing my hands on her waist before caressing up her torso to her breasts. "Stay in here and…"

She laughs, shaking her head as she leans over to kiss me. "And what?"

I pull her next to me, wrapping my arms around her and kiss her neck. "Take a nap?" I suggest.

"Oh, you'd have to make it much more worth my while," she giggles, running her hands over my forearms.

I gently nibble her shoulder and pull her closer, moving my hand between her breasts and down her stomach. "I could do that," I murmur.

"And that's exactly why you have to get up," she says, attempting to pull away.

I hold onto her and don't let her, laughing lightly. "Uh, Ange? I'm up."

When she turns her head to look at me, I set my lips against hers and kiss her deeply. Instead of pulling away, she turns to face me, wrapping a leg over mine and sliding her hand into my hair, responding fully. "We don't have time for this," she says, closing her eyes and dropping her head down to the pillow with a smile. "I wish we did." She kisses me again, tugging lightly at the longer strands of my hair. "But we just don't."

She's right, of course. I know she's right…somewhere in the back of my head it makes sense. But it's not that head that's talking to me right now. My entire body is responding to her; the feeling of her fingers in my hair, the warmth of her skin brushing up against mine, the way her tongue feels slipping against mine. "Have you ever heard of Backstreet Time?" I ask, shifting myself until I'm propped over her. Her legs part beneath me and her hips lift up.

"Is that the…" she grunts, biting her lips together as I slip inside. "…amount of time it takes for…" She shifts beneath me, closing her eyes. "…a Backstreet Boy to come?"

I thrust deep inside quickly, making her grunt. "That's not very nice."

"Maybe not, but am I right?"

"Shut up," I mumble, kissing her before she replies.

~

When I walk into the conference room, Angela is already there getting a cup of coffee and going to sit with some of the other crew. I get my coffee and go to sit with the rest of the fellas, and as I do, Howie checks his watch. "What time is it?" he asks.

"It's Backstreet time!" the rest of them answer loudly. I glance to see Angela looking over, and she's blushing.

AJ's looking around the room, nodding slowly and then a huge smile breaks out over his face. "Howie, man, pay up."

"No!" Howie gasps, looking around the room. "Aw, man!" He stands up and drops ten dollars from his wallet on the table and drops back down into his chair. Then he looks up at me. "You couldn't have done this yesterday, dawg?"

I sink down into a chair and blink at the table. They did not just settle a bet.

"Thank you!" AJ beams.

"What's this about?" I ask slowly.

"Being right, my man," AJ nods slowly, fanning himself with the ten dollar bill, "being right."

I grab the money from his hand and toss it back to Howie. "You did not…"

AJ takes the ten back and shoves it in his pocket. "Why the hell not? Easiest ten bucks I've ever earned."

I can't believe I'm hearing this. They are not betting on whether or not I get laid… I glance around the table. AJ is still grinning and Howie is still looking at me. Brian sits back and folds his arms while Nick just scowls. "You could have waited until tomorrow," Nick says.

"Don't look at me," Brian shakes his head, "I wanted no part of this."

"Neither did I!" I protest, feeling a little sick. "I can't believe y'all would make a bet…"

"Why not?" AJ asks with a shrug before beginning on his breakfast.

"Because that's just…" What? Sick and wrong? Or am I just disgusted that this is my reputation?

"Exactly what you do," Brian interrupts my thoughts, answering me without knowing. He looks over the rim of his coffee cup at me with those arrogant blue eyes. "He's right, easiest ten bucks anyone could make." He can be so smug I just want to punch him sometimes.

"No more bets," I just snap, glaring to him.

"He's right," Brian agrees, "it's too easy." Putting his mug down, he shifts forward in his chair. "We could bet on him not getting laid. That would make the stakes a lot harder to predict."

"You're kidding, right?" Howie laughs, nudging me playfully, but I'm definitely not in the mood for this kind of teasing. "As if that ever happens!"

"Excuse me?" I ask, turning to look at him before eyeing up the table. "How about we shut up about it and get on with what we're supposed to do."

"Oooh!" Nick giggles. "I think he's insulted, fellas."

"Do y'all have any idea how disrespectful and tacky this is?" I ask, keeping my voice down. Brian lifts an eyebrow at me, but I shoot him a look to shut him up. "Just shut up now, Brian."

"You said it, not me," he says with a shrug. "Disrespectful and tacky."

"Okay, fine." I stand up. "When y'all are ready to discuss work like professionals, come find me." I walk out of the room and they honestly look confused. Well, all of them except for Brian. He just looks smug and sips his coffee.

When I get to the elevator, my conscience is going full force. Oddly enough, it sounds a lot like my father and my football coach from high school.

Well, Kevin, you do have a reputation.

Who are you angry at? Them or yourself for letting it happen?

Is it their fault they know you can't seem to keep it in your pants? Is it their fault they know when you're getting laid?

What're you trying to prove? What do you think your behavior is saying about you anyway? You were raised better than this, Kevin Scott Richardson.

You better shape up, man. You just got your wake up call.


AJ

I can see she's already shaking before we even cross the room. She's got a crazy-wild smile on her face - one of those 'I'm going to implode' looks -- and I'm watching to see which one is going to send her over the edge. I think she might be a Nick, but she just hugs him warmly and smiles when he greets her. I'm right behind Howie to give her a hug and say hello, and she seems to calm down a bit, oddly enough. Once she's said hello to everyone, we sit on the lounge chairs out here on the patio and she takes a deep breath. We each get a smile and she turns to the note cards in her hand. "Okay, here we go. Let's see if I can get these out of my mouth without tripping over the words," she chuckles.

She won a contest to interview us for her school newspaper, and man, let me just say that the girls in my high school never looked like this. Some people can wear a tee shirt and jeans and manage to look neatly casual. She's one of those people. It just flatters her. Her hair is a gorgeous shade of red in the sun, and hangs past her shoulders. Sunglasses are keeping it from sliding into her face. She's just really natural and is chilling out now that we're all sitting.

"You'll do fine," Nick encourages with a smile and leans forward a bit to look around Kevin.

She looks over to Nick appreciatively and smiles slightly. "I'm sure you've answered these questions a million times, but I took the most popular questions received and decided to start there, so…"

"Blue, mac and cheese, basketball, large, no girlfriend," Brian quips with a giggle.

She looks up at him and laughs. "Okay, Brian's exempt from these questions." She tosses the card aside and looks at me expectantly before laughing harder. "That wasn't the question!" She taps the note cards against his knee. "I was going to ask out of all the countries you've visited, which one has been your favorite?"

"Sweden," Kevin says automatically with a nod.

"Australia," I answer.

"Japan," Nick adds.

"Blue, mac and cheese, basketball, large, no girlfriend," Brian says with a giggle.

"Okay," she laughs giving him a stern look, "I'm going to give you a time out if you keep that up!" Brian busts into laughter and falls back on his lounge chair. I'm impressed with how casual she is about all this. It kind of feels like she's just hanging with her friends. The nerves are completely gone and I can see her relaxing.

"To the corner!" Nick scolds, pointing behind him, and Brian stands up, dropping his chin and shoulders.

"Aw," she pouts, touching Brian's wrist. "I'll give you one more chance." She looks at Nick. "My interview!"

"Just tryin' to help!" Nick shrugs with a grin. He thinks she cute. This would be Nick flirting. Dude!

"Okay, next question…" She looks down to the note cards, but Kevin puts his hand over them.

"Aw, you don't need note cards, do you?" he teases, winking at her. Kevin always flirts. This is nothing new. He's just having some fun. We're all reacting to her easy-going attitude. Trust me, it's refreshing after the press we met with all morning. Maybe we're all a little punchy, too, considering…

She looks up from the cards and looks at Kevin, tilting her head a bit and without hesitation fires away. "If you could take one trait or custom from each country you've been to, which would it be and why?"

He leans back and busts into a shocked laughter as the rest of us howl and snicker. "Go ahead, Kev… You take that one," I tease, reaching over to pat her shoulder. "Good job!"

"Dang…" Kevin stalls, looking at us considering the question.

"Girls, girls, girls," Brian answers playfully.

"And why?" she asks, looking to Brian.

"Uh…" he stalls.

Howie leans forward and winks. "They're smart, determined and have given so much love to the Backstreet Boys, we'd like everyone to experience that kind of devotion," he answers.

"Nice save, Dawg," Nick mumbles, patting Howie on the back proudly.

All too soon, her forty five minutes are over, and I don't think any of us want to leave. This has been the best interview we've had all day. She didn't kiss our ass, or pretend like we're just a blip on the music scene. There were some really intelligent questions asked, and she managed to get her answers, but play along with our teasing real well.

"So, what grade are you in?" Nick asks as we're wrapping up. Go, Nicky…get the stats.

"12th," she says as we all stand up. "This is part of my senior project. I'm going to use it in my portfolio when I apply to colleges."

"Do you want to be a journalist?" Kevin asks.

She shrugs and sticks her note cards into a folder. "I think so. If interviews are anything like this, sure. You guys were so much fun to talk to." She reaches over and tugs on Nick's hand easily. Yeah, she's a Nick. Or she is now. I'm not sure.

"Do you have to go back?" Brian asks, putting an arm around her shoulder. "You want to have lunch with us?"

She blinks at him, shocked, I think. "They let you eat?" she teases.

"Can't guarantee any manners, but yeah, they feed us regularly," Kevin says.


Kevin

I'm feeling a lot less stressed and head back up to my room to find Angela watching TV. Okay, that's pretty weird and maybe one of them has gotten her to play some kind of joke on me. She smiles brightly and come over to kiss me hello. "Good news," she says, taking my hand and leading me over to the bed. I can't bring myself to sit down, but she does. "My boyfriend took the news really well."

"What news?" I ask slowly. Someone has to be playing a joke on me, right?

She looks at me a little oddly, but smiles. "The break up."

Yeah, this is a joke. It has to be a joke. "The break up?" I ask, trying to figure out more of the story and who might be setting me up.

But her smile freezes and starts to fade slightly. "Yeah…I broke up with him." She lets go of my hand and moves away slightly.

Brian…maybe it's Brian trying to teach me some kind of lesson. Right?

"Why?" I ask hesitantly, not a hundred percent sure if she's kidding or not.

Her entire face falls now and she blinks at me. "What do you mean, why? I thought…" Oh, shit, she's not kidding. "I mean, after last night…I thought…" She has tears in her eyes now and looks horrified. Each word comes out slowly as she realizes what my intentions weren't, "you meant to have a fling, didn't you? Oh my God."

"Angela…" What am I supposed to say? "Um…I didn't mean to give the impression that…"

"Oh my God," she mumbles again, turning white and closing her eyes.

"I had fun and all with you last night, but…I have a girlfriend." I sit down on the edge of the bed and look at her. She's shaking her head, eyes still closed. "I am real sorry, Angela. I didn't mean to give you the wrong impression."

Now she looks at me, her mouth dropping open. "You've been flirting with me for weeks."

"Well, yeah, but…"

"I figured that last night went beyond flirting," she continues. "That once we took it past that…" Her eyes narrow and she seems at a loss for words. Oh, please God, let her be a really fantastic actress. "I can't believe I fell for it."

"I thought you understood that it was just…"

"They told me," she goes off, looking at the ceiling and shaking her head. She gets up off the bed and starts walking around the room. "They told me you were a male slut, but I really didn't think…" She exhales heavily and stops to look at me in total disgust. Who told her I was a male slut? "Thanks, Kevin."

"I'm sorry, Angela, but really, I thought you understood…" I try again, standing up. I'm met with a slap across my face and as I stand here in shock, she disappears from the room.

Could I feel more like crap?


AJ

Nick is lying partly on the bed, looking up at the ceiling, and kicking the bed across opposite rhythmically. The rest of us are doing our post-show wandering, trying to come down from the adrenaline, and it's weird for Nick to be alone in his room. "Nicky?" I knock on his open door and stick my head in. He lifts his head and drops it back down to the mattress. "Problems?"

"We have the 26th off," he grumbles.

"26th of what and why does it matter?" I ask, sitting on the other bed.

He pulls himself up but hunches his shoulders and shakes the hair out of his eyes. "Next month. She said I could go to the prom with her, but Lou said I can't."

I blink at him in complete shock. Prom? Her? "The girl from this afternoon?"

"Jenny," he says with a nod, "the girl from this afternoon."

"She asked you to the prom?" I ask with a laugh. Why the hell would he want to go to a prom with a bunch of people he doesn't know?

"Well, sort of," he sighs. "But it doesn't matter. Lou said I couldn't go anyway. Bad image or something, but if I wanted, he'd look into having some kind of contest." He kicks the bed more firmly and drops back. "He doesn't get it."

"Neither do I," I answer.

He sits back up and it's his turn to blink at me. "I don't want to go as some kind of contest. I think it'd be cool to just go and see what it's like."

"What what's like?"

"A prom." He shrugs, trying to pretend like he didn't just give away some kind of information he wished he didn't. "High school, I guess. Just…normal. Go to a prom and not make it into a media event like everything else in our life."

"Nicky," I chuckle, "if you went, it would still be a media event. Some one, some where, would get wind of it and it'd be a total circus."

He looks up at me through his bangs, looking completely miserable. "You mean I'd ruin it."

Well…yeah, but I'm not going to say that to him when he looks like this. "You really liked her, didn't you?" Maybe he's just reacting to having a crush.

"She was cool," he says, trying again to sound casual. "We got along really good."

"She was cool," I agree. "Did you get her number? You can call her."

"Yeah, I got her number." He doesn't sound very excited by that, though. "But it's not like it matters. That'll probably be a problem, too."

"Dude…"

"I know," he sighs. "It's no big deal." He attempts to shrug it off and smiles at me. I'm not buying it though and give a look back to let him know. "It'd just be nice to have a girlfriend or something, Aje. You have Marissa, and Howie's got Clarice and Kevin's got Kristin. Ever since Brian stopped seeing Sam, it's all he talks about."

"Yeah, but that'll change."

He shrugs. "Whatever. It just sucks that once I do finally find someone I could be interested in, we're gone the next day."

"Call her, then, Nick. Nothing's keeping you from keeping in touch and seeing what happens." I get another shrug. "What? Why not?"

"What's the point?" he grumbles.

"You like her?" I offer.

He looks at me for a long moment and bites his lips together. "How do you know Marissa's with you because of you, or because you're in the group?"

It's my turn blink back and him and exhale. "I just do…I don't know. She says it's not."

"Jenny said she was a fan," he starts. "I'm her favorite. Maybe she just asked me because I'm in the group. Or maybe because it's cool to know someone famous."

"Then don't call if you don't trust her."

"But that's just it, Aje…who do you trust?"

June 1997

Kevin

Hurry up and wait. I swear, my entire life is turning into hurry up and wait. We were pumped for a while, but we've been hanging around waiting for camera angles and lighting, then wardrobe and make-up touch up's. In between all this, there's a crew following us around filming us 'behind the scenes'. So far, all they've caught is Brian and me playing catch for about an hour. Nick and AJ clowning around and Howie making phone calls. Exciting stuff, ain't it?

To add to the excitement, one of the extras has been hanging around and I started out flirting with her. She's cute, but once I started flirting, she started trying way too hard. One of those girls that laughs too much, or compliments every little thing, and every time I look up, she's looking over. I'm bored enough that I might just take her up on the offer of 'taking a walk.' Not sure how Brian would take it, though. He's head over heels since seeing her picture the other day. Somehow he just knows she's the perfect woman. She's perfect in some aspects, that's for sure.

Hard to believe I ever thought making a video was exotic or exciting. I like the wardrobe though. Well, the one where I'm dressed normally -- real nice brown suede jacket. Clara in wardrobe gushed at how well it fit and went on to say how I should be modeling if this doesn't work out for me. Yeah, like that'll ever happen. One model in the family is enough, and I'm leaving that up to Jerry. But the compliment is nice. Clara is a lot of fun. I've been back a few times just to talk with her while she dresses the other fellas. It also seems to annoy Brian's Babe, which I'm also sadistic enough to enjoy too. I really should just let her know I'm not interested and not keep encouraging it, but… Yes, folks, matter of fact I do have a huge ego.

"They want us in wardrobe again," Howie calls over to Brian and me.

"What for?" Brian asks, tossing the softball to me.

I catch it and stand up, tossing it back to him easily and close the gap between us. "Who cares what for? It's something to do anyway."

"I have enough crap in my hair, if they even try to touch it up, it'll just crack off," Brian answers, reaching up to pat his own hair, making crunching noises. He glances over to the blonde and winks at her with a grin. "What about you?" he says to her. "Wasn't your hair blue yesterday?"

"It was," she answers, fingering her long blonde hair with a giggle.

The film crew is in front of us, but Howie and I move around them and let Brian chitchat with them this time. It's a few minutes longer he gets to flirt with her, right?

"So, what do you think of that one?" I ask once we're out of hearing range, looking back to them.

Howie glances back and shrugs. "She seems friendly." I try not to laugh. Friendly would be a word for it, wouldn't it? "Brian seems to be a little infatuated," he continues.

"Brian's always infatuated." He is. Brian has never just been 'interested.' It's all or nothing with him, and that's just part of who he is. His glass is always full, the sun is always shining, or on the verge of coming out. A lot of that has to do with his being sick when he was little, I'm sure. He could have turned it into negativity, but instead, he just always looks ahead and sees a silver lining and the best in everyone. Sometimes I don't think his feet touch the ground, but his positivity has kept all of us going at some point that it doesn't seem fair to make him see the 'darker' side of things. He wouldn't anyway. It's just not his style.

~

I'm heading to the bathroom and then wardrobe -- again. I'm drinking way too much coffee and water, and eating way too much food. But I did mention I was bored, right? At least some of the filming has been done. The dance sequence is finished and that took all afternoon to get all the right shots. I can get out of these jeans and put on the original outfit again so that when Howie's done with his shots, we can film our exit shot.

"Hey!" I turn to see Brian's little friend coming out behind me and stop so she can catch up with me. "You disappearing again?" she asks. "I'm starting to think you don't like me very much, Kevin."

"I have a costume change," I explain. "Besides, I wasn't sure if I should interrupt you. You looked pretty involved with my cousin."

"Your cousin?" she asks, leaning against the wardrobe trailer. She really is pretty, and I have so much time to kill… "Which one is your cousin?"

"Brian." I'm not all that sure she didn't know, but maybe she's just trying to get all the facts straight. There are five of us, after all.

"You don't look anything alike."

"Well, we're family." My bladder is about to burst and I need to remedy this situation. "Did you want something?"

"Not really," she shakes her head, looking over her shoulder. "Just saying hi, I guess." I smile, trying to be nice, but excuse myself and head into the trailer. When I come out of the toilet, I'm just wearing my boxers. Well, maybe I should have been a little more careful because when I come out, she's sitting in the make-up seat touching up her blush and smiles broadly in the mirror at me. "Well, now…"

"Sorry," I mumble, "wasn't expecting you to be in here."

She turns around in the chair and is still smiling slyly with a tilt of her head. "You obviously work out too, don't you?"

"We all do," I say, nodding slowly and still standing here half naked thinking 'well, you're halfway there, Kev, either make a move, or get out of it. Which do you want to do? Follow through on the flirt? Leave it up to her to make the decision?' "Uh, you going to be much longer?"

She chuckles and turns back to look at me in the mirror. "Shy, Kevin?"

"Just trying to be polite," I tell her with a smile through the mirror.

"You have a body you should show off," she says, putting on some lipstick. "I don't mind."

I drop my jeans to the chair and go down the hallway to find my little cube with my wardrobe in it, leaving the decision up to her. Before I can turn around, she's in the hallway, leaning against the door jam with another smile. "Can I help you with anything?"

"Just enjoying the view," she answers, pointing a finger up and down. "Is that a problem?"

I said she was coming on strong, didn't I? "It could be," I say, still trying to decide on whether or not I should pass this up. "Don't you need to be out there for your scenes?"

"I'm done for the day," she answers casually. "We're supposed to be back tomorrow morning for the other sequence. Aren't you finished for the day?"

"No," I answer, putting my shirt on. "We've got a few more things to do before we break for dinner." She steps closer and drags a finger down my chest. All I can do is watch and I figure out, if I'm thinking this hard about it, maybe I just don't want to do this. But she's pretty and I have time to kill, don't I? "Didn't you make dinner plans with Brian?"

She crinkles her nose and looks up at me. "I haven't decided yet." Tilting her head, she smiles up to me. "What do you think I should do?"

"Whatever you want to do," I say with a shrug and lift of my eyebrow.

She pouts up to me and widens her eyes. "Whatever I want?"

"What exactly do you want?" I ask. Decision is officially out of my hands now.

"I want a lot of things," she answers, trying to sound coy, "but right now, I'd settle for you to say you're at least attracted to me."

"Yeah," I say, "I'm attracted." She's moving closer, her hand resting on my thigh and squeezing, but then I put my hand over hers and lift it away, shaking my head. I can't do it. There are certain rules you just can't break as a guy…as family. You don't sweep in and take your buddy's girl, and whether or not it's real or imagined, she's Brian's. "Not gonna happen."

"It could," she giggles.

"Yeah, it could, but it's not. I'm seeing someone."

"Oh." She steps back, her smile fading. "Brian's not, is he?"

"No."

She nods, giving me a once over. "Okay." With that, she turns and heads out of the trailer and whatever attraction I felt has just gone with her. Is she really that interested in bagging herself someone famous, or is she just someone that really wants a boyfriend? Or is she just that fickle?

~

Howie comes up behind me, nudging me with a smile. "Looks like she likes him back, doesn't it?" Brian and the blonde are cozied up together and he's holding her hand. I feel like I should warn Brian, but he went out to dinner with her and I was asleep by the time he came back. If anything, he got lucky last night. Maybe that's why he's so happy?

"We'll see," I answer with a shrug and Howie glances at me with a slight smile and lift of his eyebrow.

"That's curious," he says suspiciously, turning to glance back to Brian. "What're you thinking?"

"I'd rather not say until I talk to Brian." And that's true, I'd rather not go into it. If Brian's really into her, he's not going to want everyone knowing about what happened. I can keep it between us. Besides, no matter what I say, no one will believe that I was actually innocent in this with my obvious reputation. "It's nothing." I smile and shake my head slightly before heading over to get a cup of coffee. It's still too early for any of this. We're back to hurry up and wait, but at least we're finishing up today. Tomorrow we start on 'Everybody', and that's going to be a lot more intense.

August 1997

AJ

You'd think we'd be on top of the world right now, wouldn't you? Our album is doing…well, let's say it hasn't totally tanked and we're hearing the words 'respectable sales' when it comes to the US. I don't want to be the one to jinx it by saying it's doing great. 'Everybody' on the other hand is flying off the shelves everywhere else in the world, so I will say we're doing great on that aspect, while 'Quit Playing Games' actually got to number two at home. Pretty amazing stuff going on as far as recognition and air play.

However, it never stays smooth sailing for long, right? And I know something's going on because Brian's been acting kind of weird - even for Brian. The barbeque at Kevin's place today might turn ugly. It's a sneaking suspicion, and I can't really point to anything definite to say that, but…it's just been weird around here lately. LeighAnne is mad about something, Brian's trying to avoid whatever it is that she wants to talk about. He's been making a lot of private phone calls…not that I usually sit and listen to his conversations anyway, but he's leaving the room when he makes them. Something weird is going on and I'm getting nervous wondering if it's something about me, or what I'm doing.

Not that I can figure out what I've been doing to create such a huge issue in his life. I hang out with my friends, go out a few times…but I don't think I'm doing anything… Who the hell knows? He doesn't seem to be acting any differently towards me, though. We're still hanging out around the apartment and going to movies with Nicky sometimes. The plans for our tour are coming together and no one seems to be acting strangely towards me when we go over any of that.

I'm paranoid, what can I say?

Just before it's time to head over to Kevin's, Brian picks up his keys and kisses LeighAnne, saying he'll call later and that's it. Something is going on at this barbeque today. If LeighAnne isn't coming, there's something official going on. Why else would she stay home? So, now I can feel my stomach tighten into knots and I look over at Brian, apparently making him nervous…more nervous?

"What?" he asks once we're in the car and on our way. "Why're you looking at me funny?"

"Why isn't Leigh coming?" That's sly, right? Maybe I can get something out of him by coming the back way into it. "She feel okay?"

He nods and pays attention to his driving. "Fine, she just thought us fellas should hang out for a while."

Yeah, right, dude. She's attached to your hip and now she thinks we should spend some quality time? Try again, Rok…. "What brought that on? We don't mind her hanging out." Okay, we might mind her hanging out all the time a little bit, but he doesn't need to know that right now. Nick is almost depressed about the amount of time he's spending with her, like he's lost his best friend or something. Kevin is just about avoiding her completely. It's just Howie and me that think it's weird, but who are we to say anything? If that's what he wants to do…whatever, right?

"Nah, she knows," he says, shrugging a bit. "She just thought it'd be better to stay home today, that's all. No big deal. Oh, dude!" That's the change in subject as he turns up the radio and starts boppin' along.

~

I was relaxed thinking that I was reading too much into things, but just as I started chillin' out, Brian pushes his plate aside. "Hey, fellas, I, uh…need to…" He looks over at Kevin, and Kevin closes his eyes and nods slowly. "We need to talk." The entire table goes quiet as if we all know this isn't going to be good just by the way Brian looks suddenly. His eyes are wider, and he keeps biting his bottom lip.

"What's up, Bri?" Howie starts, also putting his plate aside and leaning his arms on the table.

Brian's got the floor. We're all looking at him, and he takes a swallow of his beer, a deep breath and shifts in his chair before starting. "Now, I don't want to start anything. I just want to get that out there before I go any further. I just thought y'all should be aware of some things I'm finding out."

"What things?" Nick asks, already fidgeting by peeling his napkin.

"Y'all know he's been for his check-up," Kevin starts, looking around at us.

Brian looks at Kevin and it's enough to shut him up. This is serious. Fuck. "I went to my check up and things weren't quite…as they should be. It was suggested that I have another surgery." We all sort of make a noise, some of us gasp, others just manage a 'huh?', there's a 'what?' tossed in. "It's nothing," he continues quickly, trying to soothe the panic we're all suddenly feeling. "I'm fine, and it's not life threatening."

"Yet." Kevin looks at Brian, and it's becoming clearer and clearer who Brian's been talking to…or maybe Kevin's been talking to his family? Whatever, Kevin knows what's going on.

"It's not," Brian argues, giving Kevin another stern look to quiet him. "But, the thing is, it was suggested I have the surgery sooner, rather than later. I scheduled a tentative date," he looks again to Kevin in warning, "and let Lou and Johnny know that I was gonna need some time off. They said it wouldn't be a problem…but apparently it was. At our last scheduling meeting I figured out that the dates I needed free were booked with performances." Now we're all confused.

"Was there a miscommunication?" Howie asks. "I'm sure we can reschedule…"

Brian shakes his head and exhales again. "That's what I thought, but I talked to them afterwards and was told that the dates had to be filled while we were gaining momentum."

I blink at him. "That's bullshit!" Everyone looks at me. I guess that was a lot more forceful than I thought it was, but come on! "Well? Isn't it?"

Kevin nods slowly and looks back to Brian. "It gets worse," he says. We're all looking back to Brian now waiting for what could be worse than postponing a freakin' heart surgery.

"It's bullshit," he agrees, but he sounds more depressed than pissed. "And that's what got me to take a look at our contracts, thinking maybe I could find something in there that would allow me time off or something. But, hell, I can't figure out the legal jargon, so my parents and I got a lawyer to take a look at them more closely."

"We're being screwed," Kevin interrupts firmly, looking at us all. "Lou's been screwing us over."

We're all making noise now, talking at once, but not saying anything. Hang the fuck on… Lou's done everything he could to make sure we were taken care of, invested all that money and time in us… What the fuck?

"Dang it, Kevin, would you just fucking chill out?" Brian says angrily, glaring to him. "We don't know anything for sure yet and you're jumping to conclusions." He looks over to the rest of us. "He's jumping to conclusions."

"Not according to the lawyers I've been talking to," he counters.

Fuck me…lawyers? They've been talking to lawyers? Why the hell would they bring lawyers into this? Without talking to Lou first? Did they already talk to Lou about this?

Brian exhales and looks at Kevin in total frustration. "They're still looking at the contracts," he says strongly, glaring at Kevin before looking at the rest of us. "Nothing's definite."

"What're you finding in the contracts?" Howie asks.

"Well, have any of you been looking closely at the amounts we're getting paid, and what we're actually seeing of that?" he asks. "Because there's something not right going on."

He goes on to make my head spin with percentages and who's getting what via which company. Basically, from what I can figure out, Lou's getting about 60% and we're splitting 40% of what's left over…or some such thing. And it's not just with TransCon…it's with just about every company we deal with. And it's been going on pretty much since we started. When he pulls out a piece of paper with actual numbers, we're all stunned into silence.

Yo, man…something is seriously not adding up. Lou said he was taking care of us. Lou said we were like family. There's got to be a mistake. It's just got to be some kind of mistake. I look around, but look closely at Kevin and Brian, and am only more confused. The look on Kevin's face, the icy coldness behind his eyes, tells me he's not thinking there's a mistake.

"Like I said," Brian goes on, "I'm not saying anything definite. I'm just saying we really need to look at the finances."

"What about your surgery, though, Rok?" Nick asks quietly. I think he's a little overwhelmed by everything. Kind of like me. I'm not sure what's going on either.

"That can wait," he answers easily, and Kevin turns his head and looks away, clearly annoyed. "It can," he says to him. Kevin just shakes his head and rolls his eyes. "Look, it's not life threatening. It was a suggestion, but not mandatory, okay? I can put it off."

"Again," Kevin snaps.

Again?

"Again?" Howie asks.

"It was a suggestion then too, Kevin. Stop making it bigger than it is." I don't know if Rok is playing it down, or if he just doesn't want to do it, or what. I would think that the suggestion of heart surgery would mean more than a mere suggestion, but how many times have I had to have heart surgery? What do I know? "I'll have it. It's not like I can put if off forever."

"It is the way you're acting," he grumbles. I've seen Kevin be concerned. I've seen Kevin get anal and over protective, but I've not seen Kevin act like this. Kevin is scared and nagging. It seems like he's been nagging for a while now too because Brian's obviously annoyed by him.

"Shut up," Brian just says, dropping back into the chair. "Enough already."

"Your life," Kevin mumbles, swallowing a mouthful of beer, trying hard to sound like he doesn't care.

"Yeah, it is," Brian answers him, taking a swallow of his own beer and looking at him. Their eyes lock for a moment, both of them challenging, but they turn away at the same time and shake their heads. "In the meantime, we thought y'all should know about what we found and suggest you might want to have your own lawyers talk with ours and see what they find."

"What do you suggest we do if they find the same things?" Howie asks.

Brian shrugs again, looking at Kevin quickly. "Renegotiate, I guess. That seems like the obvious thing, anyway."

"But we might get better results if we go to them as a group instead of individually," Kevin adds. "I think now, more than any other time, we need to be a united front and discuss the issues that involve us directly so we can stay a united front and start making decisions that are best for all of us." He leans his elbows on the table and gives us each a look. "We need to start questioning how we're being handled, fellas."


Kevin

I feel sick, and it has nothing to do with the amount of beer I've had. I've felt sick for days basically between talking to my family, Brian and the lawyers. Right now, I'm not even so much concerned with what the lawyers are saying as opposed to what my Aunt and ma are saying about Brian's surgery. Sure, they're all saying it's really not life threatening, or serious…but if he lets it go too long, it could be. At least, that's what common sense tells me. And I'm pissed at the Wrights for going ahead and booking dates without consulting any of us…especially Brian when he knew this was in the works. Doesn't he get that if something happens to Brian, there won't be any dates at all? Ever again? There will be no group to book, to gather momentum?

LeighAnne is pissed off too, but Brian doesn't seem to be all that concerned about any of it. I'm not sure if that's his usual sunny-side-view of life, or if he really does understand a lot more about this than we do, or if he's just going on his gut instinct, or if he's just trying not to hold us back… I can't figure out what he's thinking and he's not really clueing many of us in. Maybe that's what's bothering me too. I can't figure out what he's thinking.

He's playing basketball with Nick now as we all try to digest what's been said. AJ's just sitting across the table looking confused and already Howie's on the phone talking to his parents. "You okay?" I ask, nudging AJ with my foot.

He nods, inhaling on his cigarette. "I guess so. I need to talk to my mom and see what she says. It's just…Brian, man." He looks over to where they're playing and shakes his head. "This whole thing is…fucked up."

All I can do is nod in agreement. Maybe it's more than worrying about Brian's health. Maybe I'm just thinking too much about my dad, thinking the 'what if's' all over again. What if he caught the cancer sooner? What if they did some other kind of treatment?

What if…what if…what if…

None of it means shit. No amount of questions will bring him back, and Brian doesn't have cancer. It's just the same kind of frustration, I guess. The medical problem exists and that's what I'm pissed at, I guess. And I'm pissed that no one else seems to be taking any of it seriously. I'm pissed that we didn't watch the business closer, that we didn't question things, that we just trusted blindly that someone else had our best interests at heart.

"You okay?" AJ asks, watching me closely, furrowing his eyebrows. "You look more intense than usual," he says with a hint of his usual teasing smile.

"I'm just not feelin' the love, Aje," I tell him, trying to lighten up a bit and finish off my beer. "You want another? You're not driving tonight, are you?"

He tilts his head back and drains his bottle. "Bri's driving," he says, getting up and following me into the kitchen. We're met with a blast of cold air from the air conditioning and the sliding glass door closes over, blocking the sounds from outside. I get a chill and shake it off as I open the refrigerator and pull out two beers. "So, what's the deal with Brian?" he asks as I hand him one.

"Damned if I know," I answer, resting my arms on the counter.

He looks at me and drops his chin. "You know a hell of a lot more than what he's saying, dude."

I do. His heart is swelling for some reason, and it's only going to swell more. What all the repercussions of that is I'm not sure of and don't think I should say anything without having all the facts. "I just know he should have the surgery sooner rather than later, Aje. Really, that's about all I understand about all this."

"He's been dealing with this shit…"

"All his life," I finish for him, opening the beer and taking a swallow. "Nothing phases him when it comes to this. He's been through it all before."

"Is that why he's not doing it, you think? You think he just doesn't want to deal with it right now?"

"Not like he's got much of a choice but to deal with it, Aje." Damn it, I don't want to get this upset about this. There's no reason to get nervous about it, but that's exactly how I feel. Like I'm watching everything stable in my life come apart again, and this time, I've invested too much time and have fair warning to make it stop…only, I can't. I still don't have the power to stop it, damn it!

"Know what, Kev? You've got a really crappy poker face sometimes." I look out the sliding glass doors briefly and then look at AJ. "You're way more stressed about this than he is."

"I'm always stressed, Alex. It's my intense, big-brother personality, isn't it?" I chuckle, teasing myself, and him, for the way I've been tagged in the media. "But big brother's about to say fuck it all and get wasted for the hell of it."

He lifts his bottle up to toast me with a grin. "Sounds like a good plan. Not much else we can do right now, is there?"

"Not really, no." I head further into the house with AJ following and go into my bedroom. He sits on the bed and I go over to the nightstand, pulling out my stash. Fuck it, right? I light up and inhale deeply, closing my eyes after I hand the joint over to AJ. Nothing he's never done either, is it? Might be the first time we've done it together though.

It's not long before I'm chilled and mellowed out. The room is slightly spinning and his eyes are watery and tiny slits, which means I can only imagine what I must look like. Maybe this wasn't the smartest idea after all. Brian is going to probably have a total fit. Nick shouldn't really see us in this state, should he? Then again, he's 17…or almost 17? Is he 17? He must be 17 by now. I think he's 17. What was the point? Why do I care?

Oh, right…I'm fried. Role model my ass, Lou! You were pretending to be something you weren't, why should I pretend to be something I'm not? I'm no role model for anyone. I just got AJ stoned. I suck! What kind of 'big brother' would get stoned with his little brother? That's just fucked up, man!

Dang, we're fucked…

I lean back against the headboard and take a deep breath. It sort of feels like the first deep breath I've taken in weeks. This whole thing is messed up and it's only going to be more of a mess by the time we're done, isn't it?

AJ drops back onto the mattress and turns to look at me. He squints and leans up on his elbow a moment before reaching across me to pick up a picture. He looks at it a moment and looks up at me. "This is your mom and dad, right?"

I look down to the picture of my parents sitting on our couch. My father's arm was stretched across the back of the couch behind my mother and both were smiling brightly. "Yeah…a long time ago. Right after Jerry was born."

"You don't look a damn thing like either of them, dawg," he says with a chuckle, but looks back at the picture. "Well, maybe a bit like your dad."

"I'm a lot like him." I take the picture from AJ and look down to the familiarity of what's in this photo. Not just my parents, but the room they're sitting in, the furniture, the curtains, the coffee table. It all says 'home' to me, but now there really is no 'home.' The house is sold, my father's gone… It's all different and with just that thought, I can feel the tears spring into my eyes.

"That's what Brian says." He sits up and looks at me, his face dropping. "Sorry, man, I didn't mean…"

I wave a hand to dismiss his comments, knowing I'm already emotional about this whole thing, being stoned doesn't make me at all rational. "I just can't help but miss him, Aje. I miss being able to talk to him and that he had to miss out on seeing me do what I wanted to do. Having it pay off. And I'm pissed off about the same thing, too. Because it wasn't fair. It's not fair that I can't talk to him, or show him off like he showed me off. That he worked his whole damn life and never got to sit back and just enjoy what he'd worked for."

AJ

I've never been around when Kevin let himself be emotional about his father, or admit the emotions behind it. I mean, sure, we all know he misses him still, and that he isn't really over him dying, but I haven't seen him really let himself talk about it before. He usually changes the subject, but now, all he's doing is looking at the picture with tears in his eyes. Man, I feel bad. Why did I bring this up in the first place?

"There's gonna be families and babies he'll never know about," Kevin says with a slow shake of his head and his voice low. "The things he always looked forward to…being able to take those trips with my ma, anniversary parties, just…so dang much. Instead, it's left up to us to do those things for him, and he's not even going to be around to see that even. He couldn't do a damn thing before he died." The picture is placed on Kevin's lap and he drops his head back before wiping a tear from his cheek. "I was just 19 years old. He was just starting to be a friend, not just my father, and I feel cheated."

I tilt my head and look at him. "You feel cheated?" He looks up to me, and I think we're both surprised by the anger in my voice. "YOU feel cheated? Dude, my father's alive and well and living in the same fucking city but hasn't bothered to be one until I don't need him. You feel cheated for having someone there when you wanted them and needed them. I have one that wants to be there when it's convenient for him and after I really need one, but that doesn't stop him from taking the name and feeling as if I owe him something. Your father's dead, and he's still worthy of that respect. And you feel cheated?" I stand up, but the room spins around me and I reach out to steady myself against the wall, facing it actually. "You at least had one for 19 years, Kevin. I'm still waiting for mine to be one."

"Aje…I'm sorry. I never thought…"

I turn around and look at him, maybe seeing a whole different person. He's not that guy that auditioned, or that guy that's determined to get it all right. He's not even that shy guy across the room anymore, or the one that's looking out for everyone around him, either. I've gotten my foot truly in the door of his mind, and it's like he's just figured out the door was open and wasn't expecting company. At least, that's how he's looking at me. "You don't choose family, Kev. As much as you don't get to choose the future, you don't get to choose family." I sit back down and keep my eyes on him. "You just get the choice to make the best of what you got, right? That's what you've been telling us anyway. To make the best of the opportunities we're getting. Why can't that be make the best of the opportunities you were given?" Damn, this is getting deep, isn't it? But he's looking at me as if there's a huge revelation in what I'm saying. "You had nineteen years. He wasn't going to suddenly change. You know who your father was, and whenever you need him to be there, he is, because you do know who he was. Some people have to guess their whole lives. You don't have to guess. You're still his son whether he's here or not, and you're still being the person he wanted you to be and make your decisions based on that because he's still part of your life…and I am jealous of that."

Shit, this has to stop right now. I'm not getting into this. I walked into Kevin's head and kept going right on into my own - and I avoid that whenever possible. Frikkin' father - thinkin' he's all that. Who the hell does he think he is? Sure, he keeps up with the newspapers and magazines, but God for fucking bid he pick up the phone before any of that.

"AJ…" He's looking worried now, sitting up. "I had no idea…"

"Whatever, dude." I shake my head, and the room seems to keep shaking after I stop. "I need chips, man. Total munchies creepin' in."

October 1997

Kevin

Nick's leaning over, his tongue stuck down Mandy's throat, again, as they giggle. She keeps attempting to whisper his name indignantly, but it's far from a whisper, and it's far from indignant. It's that tease that only girls know how to do - pretending they don't want to get busy but every other part of them says they do. That's pretty much the definition of Mandy, come to think of it, although none of us will actually admit that out loud. I'm on the verge of rolling up the magazine I'm reading and smacking them both on the nose if they keep it up.

AJ and Howie keep looking over and chuckling at them, taking it all in stride, but Brian's huffing and puffing. He's about ready to whip out the Holy water and cleanse their souls or something. I'm close to leaning over and asking him if it's proper to flip the pages of the Bible like that, but think it might just be best to keep my mouth shut.

There's more giggling and when I glance behind me, Nick is practically lying over her and his hand is riding up between her thighs. "Can you pretend you two have some dignity, please?" I ask, following my gaze.

"Who's watching?" Nick asks, looking around the lounge area we're in, but they sit up as Mandy hides her head on his shoulder.

Brain leans over the aisle. "Hello!"

"Okay, who's watching besides the obvious?" Nick corrects himself.

"We're in public," Brian grumbles, "and there are other people around and you're representing…"

AJ glances over at us and blinks in dismay. "Shouldn't that be you?" he asks, pointing to me.

"Has Kevin been rubbing off again?" Howie questions Brian, trying to break the obvious tension building, but fails.

"No, but Nick's been rubbing…" AJ begins before Howie clamps his hand over AJ's mouth.

Brian glares and huffs at him, totally not amused by AJ today. Perhaps Bri's in a mood about having to actually breathe some air on his own without LeighAnne being there to share it with him. I swear, I thought Brian was sappy with his other girlfriends, but this one… They have been inseparable since that video shoot, it seems. If they're not attached physically, they're on the phone for hours on end. Yeah, I'm happy he's happy, but dang… I want to tell him to come up for air. She somehow went from some eager extra to a God-Fearing-Christian, and I'm just not buying it. Maybe I'm just seeing the worst in everyone these days since looking into the contract situation, but I'm just not buying this purity act.

He and Nick have barely spent any time together lately. When Mandy's not around, LeighAnne seems to be, and neither of them seems to be able to carry on conversations with anyone other than the "significant other with breasts." I mean, sure, both of them have, uh, assets, but it's getting tense because the other is totally disapproving of their choices in girlfriends at the moment.

We've lost Nick again. This time, however, they've decided to move across the room. AJ thinks Nick may have finally gone 'all the way-nudge-nudge-wink-wink,' in AJ-speak. Watching them, I don't think there's any question about it. Nick's usually not one to paw at a girl in public…okay, this isn't public. We are the only one's in here…but still. He's usually a lot more discreet, but he's like an excited puppy in puberty or something. Bouncing around and grinning and laughing, and no one seems to be getting under his skin with the amount of teasing we're doing.

I'm annoyed, but actually less annoyed by Nick than I am by Brian. It's none of our business what he's doing in here, and no one else is around. Is it proper? No, but he's also being a horny seventeen year old. We need to remember that. It's expected, isn't it?

"Chill out," I say to Brian when he glares up from reading a magazine. The Bible, apparently, shouldn't be in this vile environment…dang, I'm getting cynical, aren't I?

He glares over to me and shakes his head. "He doesn't need to be doing that here," he tells me.

I look around the room and shrug. "Who's going to see? Like we haven't seen each other all over some girl at some point…including you."

"Yeah, and I wonder why that is," he grumbles, turning his attention back to the magazine.

I stare at him coldly and clear my throat. "Tryin' to say something, Brian?"

He looks up at me and just blinks. "I think you know what I'm saying."

"Go pray for our souls, then," I tell him sarcastically, "seeing as you seem to be the only one around here with some kind of special relationship. Leave us heathens to the earthly pleasures." I get up and move my seat before he has some kind of reply to me.

I'm not sure which I'd prefer when I answer my cell phone. Without so much as a 'how's it going? Need anything?' Johnny launches into his 'Hey, buddy, listen…' "I've been getting some calls here and it looks like we're going to be adding in some dates. Do me a favor and break the news to the boys that we're getting some May dates."

May dates? I glance at Brian in confusion. He needs no less than eight weeks to recover from his surgery scheduled in May. We can't do May dates. "We can't do that…"

"Well, the dates are there, Kevin. And…oh, there's my other line. I have to grab that. Just let them know and we'll talk about it later, okay?" Before I can say 'no', he's hung up. Convenient, isn't it, to have another line ringing. Makes you wonder how much detail he'd go into if I had said 'cool…that's great…' doesn't it?

I click off the phone with as much force as you can by hitting a little button and look up to see AJ lighting up a cigarette before rummaging through his carry on. Moments later, he's got one of those tiny mini-fridge bottles in his hand and tossing whatever's inside down his throat. Then I glance at my watch at notice that it's only 10:45 a.m. That can't be good, can it? He notices me watching and defies my stare for a moment before sliding a pair of sunglasses down over his eyes and looking out the window to the tarp.

He's been really quiet all morning, which is rare for AJ, but I think he went out again last night and probably came straight from his party or club to the airport. Knowing AJ that sounds like something he'd do. He's either still drunk, or fending off a massive hangover…and it's happening more and more lately. I can't decide if it's just because our free time is so limited he's trying to pack the biggest punch into it, or if he's trying to avoid something more than that. Whatever reason, I'm starting to get concerned and I think he's figuring that out. That's why he decided to look away instead of try to defend me catching him downing a shot.

And then there's Howie going through his flight case…again. He's lost his agenda, swearing he put it in there, but he's now been through it at least six times and it's not magically appearing no matter how many times he empties the dang thing at his feet. Each time he does, he just gets more annoyed, mumbling something about being rushed out of the house, not having time to do anything properly because this was such a last minute thing. He hasn't said what his other plans were, but it's pretty obvious that he had them. Howie usually takes it all in stride, unless he's breaking former plans.

I look back down when my phone rings again and answer, hoping it would be Kristin, but it's Johnny again asking if I've talked to anyone yet. Have I had time to talk to anyone yet? He just hung up less than five minutes ago! "No, I haven't," I answer him sharply. "I don't know how I'm supposed to when I don't have any details. Last thing I knew we weren't making plans…"

"Well, talk to them and give me a call back when you get the okay," he interrupts. "These dates could really…"

"When I get the okay?" I interrupt him this time, looking around the lounge. I'm going to do my best to avoid these guys until we're in a better mood. "Why me?"

Johnny sighs on the other end. "Look, Kev, I'm doing my best to get things arranged on this end and I'm asking you to do me a favor and help me out this one time. It's your careers I'm working on and we're running short handed as it is. The boys listen to you. If you smooth it over with them, it'll make things a lot easier on my end to get everything arranged properly. Can you just do this one thing for me?"

And he's got the nerve to sound annoyed? "No…"

"Okay," he continues, not even listening to me, "well, just give me a call after to talk to them. Thanks, man." And he hangs up again.

AJ

This is just great…this is classy…fighting in the elevator. Each of us has a corner except for Nick. He's taking a different one because he's not talking to us at the moment. Brian ripped into him on the ride over to the hotel for disappearing during the flight to join the "Mile High" club, and having a stewardess request they not 'socialize' in the lavatory. That was the last straw for Brian and now he's suggesting we have a talk about proper road behavior.

I'm not feeling too concerned and putting all this down to Brian just being in a bad mood and missing LeighAnne. I think he's more jealous that Mandy came with Nick and LeighAnne couldn't come. I think Howie's thinking the same thing because all he's doing is looking down to the floor. I'm almost sure he's rolling his eyes but we can't see that. He's too polite to show his annoyance. Instead, he pulls out his cell phone to avoid the whole damn thing. I'd like to avoid it too, but I'll wait until I'm in my room and blow them off my own way.

In the middle of Brian's rant, Kevin's cell phone rings again and once he hangs up, it looks like he's going to kill someone. "Oh, just face reality, Brian!" he screams, totally letting loose when we step off onto our floor. "He's not a typical teenager! He's not going to meet a nice girl and take her to the fucking prom! He's seventeen years old with a hundred girls climaxing every time they screech his name! Of course he's going to fuck one of them first…if he hasn't already! Open your fucking eyes! You think they're going out and playing tiddily-winks?"

"Well maybe he'd think a little more about what he's doing if some of us would lead better examples for him to follow!" Brian counters furiously.

"Like you and LeighAnne?" Kevin scoffs taking a step, but turning back to stand in front of him. "Yeah, that's a great example! Ask her…next time you're reading Bible verses to each other…ask her which position she preferred when I fucked her in the make-up trailer right before she accepted going out with you!"

He's nose to nose with Brian, leaning over slightly and it takes both Howie and me to grab Brian before he jumps on Kevin and re-arrange his teeth, and it's not easy to hold him back. All Kevin does is hold his ground and look superior, which isn't helping matters.

"You want to think everyone out there has the very best intentions, Brian, and it's just not the case! Wake up! Your little angel wanted a piece of the Backstreet bandwagon and wasn't picky which one she chose! She went to you after she found out I had a girlfriend and wasn't breaking up with her! You're just the sucker that didn't figure it out because you can't see!" Kevin points to his eyes with both hands. "You just can't see people for what they are!"

"You bastard!"

"What, Brian? You actually doubt her? You're gonna believe me over her? Is there room for doubt in your perfect little dream world?" he continues.

"Get out of my face!" Brian screams, and I have never heard or seen such fury. "Get the hell out of my sight!"

"Let's go, Kev." I release Brian, making sure Howie's still holding on to him, and put my hand on Kevin's shoulder to lead him down the hall. "Let's go cool ourselves off, okay?" Pulling away from me, he storms off down the hallway, double time, and I have to basically jog to keep up with him. He's grumbling something under his breath, but as soon as he pushes open his door, he's yelling again.

"…Stupid, fucking, Goddamned, bastard!" He slams his palm against the wall and keeps walking further into the suite. "Gonna stand there and tell me that I'm fucking wrong? He's fuckin…" He turns, his arm flying to the door, "she's a God damned gold digger and he's going to tell me… I don't have a clue…!"

This is so not good. He's not finishing sentences, just rambling on in fury and pacing back and forth around the room, pushing pillows off the cushions and shoving the chair out of his way. Nothing else to do but stay out of his way for a bit and let that steam blow off. I find a section of the wall that looks fairly safe and cross my arms, leaning against it to wait.

All this shit has been building for weeks. It was just a matter of time before someone lost it. I just never figured it'd be Kevin. Or that Kevin would actually admit to being with LeighAnne. We all wondered…well, all of us except Brian, apparently. One minute she was all over Kevin, and then like, an hour or two later, she avoided him and was trailing around Brian. We all thought it was kind of odd, but we couldn't figure out when or where something had the time to happen. I guess it did, and that could be a huge problem. If Brian had to pick, us or her, I really don't know which one he'd pick. He's gone on her, really gone.

"You can leave, AJ," Kevin says, stopping as if he's just figured out I'm here. "I don't need a baby sitter."

"I'm cool," I say with a shrug.

Yeah, right, leave? He's not getting out of my sight until he cools off. I've never seen him go off like that. Yell, yeah…throw a punch? Sure… But I've never seen that look in his eye, or seen him so damn vindictive about something. All over Nick? That's the part that doesn't make any sense. All this over who Nick's dating? And somehow now it's about Kevin and Brian and LeighAnne.

That's the weird twist. Are we really so intermingled that something one of us does involves everyone else like this? That's just fucked, isn't it?


Kevin

"I don't care if you're cool or not," I snap, taking a step closer to AJ, "get the hell out!"

Why am I yelling at AJ? Because he is here, and I've lost my temper. If Johnny keeps trying to contact me to 'make some adjustments and have me talk to the fellas and smooth it over'…well, fuck that! I'm not smoothing anything over! If they want to add on more Goddamned dates, do it! They will anyway, why am I the one that's supposed to make it okay for them? I'm not in on that cut of the profits now, am I? I'm not in on much of any cut according to my lawyers. Fuck that!

AJ lifts his hands up and presses against the wall in complete shock. "Kev, man…"

"Why the hell can't anyone leave me the fuck alone for five minutes?" I slam my palm against the wall near his head and he ducks and covers. Like I'd hit him with that much force? Well, good then. Maybe if I scare him enough he'll leave.

Instead, he just sits on the floor and calmly wraps his arms around his knees. "And miss the end of the show?" He shakes his head, widening his eyes as he looks up at me. "Hell, no!"

"Damn it, AJ!" I turn and start pacing the room again, running my hand through my hair, trying hard to stop the blood cursing through my veins and pounding of my heart.

"You didn't really sleep with LeighAnne, did you, dawg?" I'm not even going to answer that. Let them keep guessing. "Okay, never mind. Forget I asked, but Brian's gonna want to know."

"Then Brian can figure it out for himself," I snap in return, kicking the loveseat in front of me. Damn it, I need to chill out. "Not that he ever fucking will..."

"Kev, dawg…what the hell is wrong with you?" I'm over reacting. I know I am over reacting, but I'm fed up! I'm allowed to be fed up, aren't I? I'm sick to death of Brian lecturing me about my Goddamn morals! I'm sick of being blamed for every bad judgment call someone makes! "I'm not yawl's keepers!"

"Who said you were?"

I glare over to AJ. "Well…maybe someone can stop acting like I am!"

"Like who?"

"Like who? You've got to be kidding, right?" He shrugs, but doesn't answer. "How about Brian, for starters? Lou? Johnny? Donna? Your mom? Nick's mom? Do I need to go on?" He only nods in consideration and puckers his lips. "Am I wrong? Am I imagining it?" I open my arms out wide and pace again, shaking my head. "I'm sick of being fucking responsible for everyone around me!"

"Don't be." I stare at him again, dropping my chin in disbelief. Don't be? He's kidding right? "What? Who's making you?" He lifts a shoulder and re-folds his arms on his knees. "Step back, man. Do what you need to do and we'll take care of ourselves."

Just as he says that, my cell goes off again, but now I just throw it across the room so that it slams into the closed door and drops onto the floor in several pieces. Okay, that felt good. AJ's blinking at the scattered pieces and looks over to me. "Kev, man…you seriously need to chill out. It's not that big a deal."

"Fuck you, AJ!" Fuck you, Lou, and Johnny, and Donna, and Brian, and LeighAnne, and Nick, and Mandy, and Howie and Denise, and Jane, and whoever else I'm missing. "Fuck all of you!"

AJ

He's out of the room in less than a second, the door swinging open and slamming against the wardrobe behind it before it slowly begins to close. I'm barely off my ass by the time he's down the hallway, still slamming his hand against the wall every few steps. I can't, for the life of me, figure out what he's going on about, or why this is such a big deal. I know Brian gets a little pious at times, but all this?

Q, our bodyguard, is going after him, but is keeping his distance, which only means that he's good. He knows when to approach and when to keep his distance to avoid a confrontation, and Kevin's going to confront anyone that gets in his way right now. That determined look in his eye has turned dangerous and no one wants to mess with that. And yet, here I am, going down the hall after him on a death mission, apparently. Thing is, if the situation was reversed, I know Kevin'd be right on my ass too. It's one thing giving each other distance when we're in our moods, but this is totally something else. What it is, I haven't the slightest clue.

And what sucks even more is that we can't get off this floor. There are too many fans downstairs and there's no way he can leave without them seeing him. So not only is he in a rampage, he's got nowhere to go to blow it off. I look up to the ceiling and roll my eyes, making a silent prayer.

Please, God, don't let him hurt me…

He's in the vending machine area when I find him, hands on either side of the coke machine and his head bent down between his shoulders, totally frozen. I'm not sure if he's going to kick it, or shake it, or pull it over, so I just stand in the doorway for a while, waiting. But he doesn't do anything. I just hear him breathing heavily and he slowly lifts his head up to the ceiling with his eyes closed and swallows. Now, don't get me wrong for saying this, but I can see what the attraction is to him with some of the fans. He's all angles and muscle right now, with such a deep passionate expression on his face, I think I've finally figured it out.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles quietly. One thing to say for rampages, they take so much out of you that you can't keep it up for long. He turns to look at me, and opens his eyes. There are tears there and he just blinks at me, repeating that he's sorry.

"No problem." I shrug awkwardly. "You had some steam to blow off. It's cool."

"I didn't sleep with her," he admits softly. "I just wanted to fuck with him."

Thank you, God! All I do is nod at him in understanding. "We're under a lot of pressure right now, Kev. We're all feeling it. You're just the first to blow."

He closes his eyes and releases the coke machine, dropping his forehead against it and sighs heavily. "Johnny's adding on some more dates," he says under his breath. "Brian's surgery may have to be postponed again." He looks at me, tears still in his eyes. "I'm supposed to break the news to y'all and smooth things over."

"We'll take it up with Lou and Johnny, Kev," I assure him. "You're just the messenger."

"Than why do I feel like the Grim fucking Reaper?"


Chapter 1: 1993

Chapter 2: 1994

Chapter 3: 1995

Chapter 4: 1996