Goin' On For Years

by Cori

February 1998

AJ

You know, really, there's something to be said for fans…some of them are pretty damn willing to do whatever comes into my sick, perverted little mind just to say they fucked a Backstreet Boy. Like it gives them some kind of superiority? Hell, with some of us, it's 'have hole, will fuck.' Shocking and appalling to some, I'm sure. Newsflash - we're male; Backstreet Boy or not, we're still healthy males and there's only so much a guy can take, you know? How shocked would some people be to know that 90% of the show we're roaming around on stage with a hard on? But if you think about it…hundreds of girls, scantily clad, jumping up and down, sweating, screaming your name? First of all, we're guys and that sort of thing turns guys on or there would be no entertainment business in the first place, and secondly, if it didn't turn us on, we'd be dead. Plain and simple.

Speaking of being turned on and fans…one of them has been in the bathroom for a really long time now. Hey, Marisa's history and Amanda's…not sure what's happening with her…. I'm officially single, right? So I'm taking advantage of that bachelorhood and brought home one of the groupies that followed us around most of the night. She's been in there a long time and I'm starting to get worried. Just what I need, some chick being found dead in my bathroom. Maybe she's going through my stuff…maybe she's trying to figure out how to steal something…maybe she's grossed out by what happened and is planning on killing me…maybe she's preparing the bathtub to steal my kidney? Whatever she's doing, she'd better hurry up.

I fall asleep, and when I roll over, she's standing at the end of the bed, putting her jeans on. "You're leaving?" I ask her, squinting at her through the darkness.

"You fell asleep," she starts, startled, I think, that I'm awake. "I didn't think you wanted me to stay. Do you?"

"Do whatever the hell you want," I snap, rolling back over. They beg and plead, they follow you everywhere you go, and when you give them what they want…they just get dressed and leave. None of them hardly ever stay…and then people wonder why you don't trust them.

March 1998

Kevin

Just a few more dates and Brian heads in for surgery. Each time we get off stage after a show lately, I just look at him and think 'one more down…' and get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Nick comes out from behind me and pounces on Brian, jumping on his back and swatting his towel like some kind of whip, and off they go in hysterics.

"No carrot needed to make him move." Howie grins over to me as they disappear around the corner of the hallway.

"Dude, LeighAnne is all the carrot that boy needs," AJ says with his own grin. "Bet she's already half naked in the bus waiting for him." That idea somehow seems to excite AJ. I'd rather not go there…

Not sure how he is with LeighAnne. Maybe he's talking more seriously with her than the rest of us. I wasn't all that sure about her, but when it came time to either have the surgery this time or postpone it, she's the one that put her foot down; threatened to leave him if he postponed again. He was close to giving in until then, but he's not about to lose LeighAnne for anything. So I guess she does really love him.

AJ's swirling his tank top over his head, half jumping, half walking and Howie playfully pinches his nose and waves the air in front of him. "Dude, man, do you have to do that? Shower first, dawg. You stink."

AJ, of course, lifts his arms and inhales his armpits deeply. "Smells like roses, dude. Don't know what you're talking about."

"Your stench," Howie teases, smacking him on the back of his head before sprinting off down the hallway. AJ sprints after him with a cackle and leaves me trailing up behind with my bodyguard.

"They're something, huh?" I comment with a slight smile and shake of my head.

"Why're you so calm, man?"

"I'm the mature one, Randy, remember?" I tease, wiping some dripping sweat with my towel off my forehead. "It's my job to follow up behind them making sure all their binkies and blankies are accounted for."

"No, dude, that's my job," he laughs, putting his hand on my shoulder as we approach the door. "Ready?"

The Mad Rush… The bus is barely a few feet away, but if there's a crowd out there, it's a few feet of potential insanity. I don't think it's too bad considering I don't hear screams or anything, but Randy's always got my back just in case there're surprises. Now all I need to do is make sure I don't surprise him and stop to sign something, but he's good at reading me and knowing my next move. Guess that's why he's here, huh?

Luckily there are no strays and I'm able to get onto the bus right away and collapse onto the nearest seat available. So what if that's on top of Nicky. It's payback for trying to trip me during 'Everybody' earlier. He groans and screams in mock agony before pushing me off, and I sink down to the floor and just rest against the couch, taking a deep breath.

"Aw, is Kevy-Kev tired?" Nick asks, mussing my hair and then promptly drying the sweat off his hands on my shoulder. "Ew, dude…"

"You know, Nicky, payback's a bitch, right?" I ask, looking up to him with a smirk. He passes me one of his purest looks and asks most innocently 'what?' with a shake of his head. "'Everybody?' The gee, I didn't know you were standing there when I've been standing in the same exact spot for about five years now maneuver?"

He clears his throat and chuckles. "Oh, that."

"Yeah, that."

"Um…whoops?" he giggles with a shrug.

I nod slowly and close my eyes for a second. "Yeah…just remember, payback's a bitch, dawg."

"Is that Kevin? Threatening someone?" Brian asks playfully.

"Not Kevin!" AJ pipes up, tossing one of the pillows at me. "Kevin never threatens us!"

I wag a finger at all of them, giving them a look as I do so. "I know where all of you live. Remember that!"

"Ooooh! I'm shaking!" AJ teases, leaning back in the booth by the table. He's already chugging a beer. "What're you gonna do? Sic your eyebrows on me?"

"Yeah, man, those puppies are totally out of control, dawg," Nick agrees, leaning over and pushing one of them in the wrong direction. I grab his wrist and tug, pulling him off the couch and attempt to smother him with the pillow AJ provided me. "Y'all wouldn't tell if I killed him and tossed his body, would you?" I ask as he squirms around on the floor.

Brian hesitates for a minute, leaning against LeighAnne. They were right; she's on the bus and wearing a really tight tee shirt. Can somebody say 'carrot?' I thought you could… "Hundred bucks for my silence."

"Thanks a lot!" Nick protests, pushing himself up and away from me. He grabs the pillow and starts hammering at Brian now.

"I was gonna say fifty," Howie says with his own giggle, taking the beer can from AJ and taking a drink, "but if he's getting a hundred…"

"I want one fifty," AJ pipes up, grabbing another beer for himself.

"Y'all need me and you know it! I'm the fucking cute one!" Nicky protests - he's so much fun to aggravate sometimes.

"Why? We could start pilfering from *NSync." Howie suggests, looking at the rest of us for reassurance. "We can lure the cute one from them, right guys?"

"With what?" Nick questions smugly. "Kevin's uni-brow?"

April 1998

AJ

It looks like we're in for a major battle with Lou over back-pay and royalties, and he's trying to act like he's hurt we're taking him to court. I'm not saying he hasn't helped us. I'm not even saying we could have done any of this without him. But hurt? Gimme a break, man! How hurt are we? Howie actually pulled Kevin out of the conference room the other day before he totally lost it and went off on him. According to Howie, if he sees how much he's affecting us he'll only use it against us later. I don't think he's all that wrong. I hate to say it, but after the few meetings we've had already, I just don't trust a thing he says anymore.

Right now, Brian, Kevin and me are sitting in another plush conference room with the lawyers, my mom, Howie's parents, and Nick's across from me. Jane's supposed to be here too, but she's not here yet. Nick's not really paying much attention and looks a little uncomfortable. At least, I thought he did, but when Jane walks in, I see him just about shrink.

Jane bustles in and stands in front of her seat with a huff. "I know you didn't bring me here to waste my time with this lawsuit nonsense."

Yeah, Jane, that's the way to win friends and influence people. Nice.

"Well, Nick is part of the group and should be aware of what the rest of us are doing," Brian answers.

Jane turns a cold eye to him and drops her chin. "I'll thank you to mind your tone with me, Brian."

"Jane, we're all a little tense at the moment," Kevin says, calm and easy, taking control. "What Brian meant to say is that we don't mean to waste anyone's time here. We're just trying to keep everyone on the same page."

Jane sits heavily and Nick slouches a bit more in the chair next to her. He's not making eye contact with anyone and I truly think he wants to disappear, poor guy. This can't be easy on him. I know he's trying to let his mom take care of business, and I know he wants to stay loyal to the group.

"I don't know why," Jane says with a sigh. "I don't think we're even reading the same book, Kevin. I don't agree with what you're doing."

"How can you not?" Brian asks, pushing the paperwork forward a bit. "How can you look at this and…"

"Did you look at this?" she interrupts. "Because if you had, before you signed it you might have been able to avoid something like this. That's what lawyers are for, Brian."

I think Brian's actually angrier than Kevin right now. Didn't think something like that could ever happen, but really, this whole thing so far has been pushed a lot by Brian. He's mild mannered, I guess, but what everyone forgets is that he's a sportsman. In order to be one, you have to have that competitive streak in you, don't you? I think that's what we're seeing for the first time off the playing field.

"After everything Lou has done for you? This is the way you thank him?" Jane continues.

"What about everything we've done for Lou?" Brian snaps in return. "Is this how he thanks us?"

Jane huffs again and shakes her head in disgust. Poor Nicky, man. He's reminding me of a cartoon turtle now. His chin is dropped, and his shoulders are drawn up tight - like he'd suck his head down in between them if he could. He's not even doodling, and for Nicky, that's really weird. He's got the pencil in his hand, but all he's doing is making little scribble arcs, watching his hand intently. I wish I could assure him that we're not taking any of this personally. Hell, I don't even want to be here either.

"He took a chance on you when there was nothing," Jane defends, glaring down the table towards Brian. "He fronted everything and took the chance on you - gave you the benefit of the doubt. You can't do the same for him?"

"No," Brian answers firmly and squares his shoulders. "Not after seeing this."

"Again, why is this such a surprise? Didn't you all read the contracts?"

Brian keeps on talking, ignoring her. "Not after trying to schedule dates when I told them I was having surgery…."

"You said yourself it wasn't life threatening. You said your doctors gave the okay. You were even going to postpone it again, weren't you? Why is it so awful that they tried to further your career when you yourself were willing to reschedule?"

"It's heart surgery, Jane," Kevin interrupts.

"He said himself it's not life threatening, Kevin," she replies.

Kevin blinks at her in total disbelief. Hell, I think all of us do, even Nick. "Heart surgery," Kevin reiterates.

"That he's already put off twice," Mr. Duncan, one of the lawyers, clarifies.

"By choice, isn't that right?" Jane questions.

"More like obligation, try," Brian counters.

"And this wasn't such a huge factor until money became an issue. What this looks like to me? It looks like a bunch of ungrateful, spoiled boys getting a swelled head because of a little success. And I don't want Aaron being a part of it."

"You mean Nick, don't you?" Kevin asks with a curious lift of his eyebrow. Somehow he manages to look scolding towards Jane, but sympathetic towards Nicky.

Jane looks like she swallowed wrong and exhales deeply. "I mean both of them," she corrects herself quickly. "You don't do this to family."

Kevin pushes his chair back and we all sort of move back from the table. There's a definite fuse lit now by the glare in his eyes. "All these years I've been hearing 'family, family, family…', telling me I'm like the son he's never had, that he knows I miss my father but that he'd be there for me if I needed someone to listen or offer advice…." He turns his head away and forces himself to take a breath. "I want to ask him how much he's charged me and which account did he set up to take the payments." He closes his eyes, seeming to shrug off the sting of his own words, regaining his composure and takes another breath before starting a little more calmly. "I'll give you that Lou fronted the money and took the chance with us. But we're the one's that made his chance into a reality. We're the one's that toured for five years on end and pulled the all niters to get that video made, or learn that dance step, or get to that country for some added on performance or interview. He took the chance. We did the work. After all those hours, and sweat, and traveling we did, how can he justify $300,000 on a tour that earned millions?"

"It's not like we're not giving him the chance to explain it, Mrs. Carter," Mr. Duncan finally speaks up. "We've requested several meetings with Mr. Perlman and his lawyers, but he's refused each one."

"I don't want Nick part of this," Jane says without hesitation and nudging Nick's shoulder. "And I'll thank you to keep him out of these discussions in the future." She gives Nick a look, telepathically telling him to leave. He gets up, biting his lips together and dropping his head, avoiding eye contact with everyone. Jane keeps her head up and makes sure to pass a stern look to each of us before closing the door behind her.

"So, we're giving him until the 15th to turn over the accounts," Brian says as if that whole conversation never happened. It did though. It's like an invisible slime sticking to everything and everyone.

May 1998

Kevin

They said an hour, and that was an hour ago. No one's come in yet to say it's okay. That Brian's resting comfortably and is in recovery. There's been nothing but silence and it's getting uneasy now. LeighAnne is doing her best to remain upbeat and positive, but I notice she's been looking at the doorway nervously more now, too. When I catch her eyes, she smiles at me weakly and goes back to the magazine in her lap.

I gave up on magazines about three minutes into it, called Kris for about five minutes but felt like I might miss something being out of the waiting room. I've watched images flash at me from the TV but couldn't tell you what I was actually watching. Stared out the window at people crossing the parking lot below, getting into their cars and leaving. Did any of them lose a loved one? Who were they visiting? Why were they here? Not that any of it matters because I can't get around the fact that Brian's having heart surgery at twenty-three years old.

There's no more to say about how routine this is, and how he's going to be fine, he's young, strong, blah, blah, blah… It's still open-heart surgery and it scares the crap out of me.

Even when he was little, there was no holding him back. He was usually the first person to crack a joke about it, make it easy for the rest of us to laugh it off. But none of us had experienced loss before so it was easier to joke it off. Surgeries and cancer and death happened to other people…not us. Experiencing that it does makes everything different and harder to laugh off; harder for me anyway. Brian bounced off stage just a few days ago in a wave of adrenaline, proving that there's nothing to worry about.

But, checking my watch, it's been an hour and a half. This is taking too long, people. That can't be a good sign. What the hell is going on in there? Why isn't anyone coming to tell us anything? His parents, his brother, my mother, LeighAnne and I stopped talking to each other, lost in our concerns, unable to verbalize anything with each passing minute. Aunt Jackie's leaning her head on Uncle Harold's shoulder and has just closed her eyes. How many times have they had to sit and wait for news when it's come to Brian's health?

I look over to my ma and don't know how she handled this kind of nightmare with my father. Now she's here for the rest of the family, putting her hand on Aunt Jackie's shoulder so gently. She's a mother…she knows by now how it feels to sit around and worry about your children by now, doesn't she? I guess there just isn't a lot to say or do other than pray for the best.

I think Harold's kind of in my shoes, in a way. Yeah, we were there when he was sick those times, but we were kids, what did we know? Now we do know, but it's not any easier. He's family, yeah, but we're more than that somehow. He is more like a brother, than my cousin. After these last few years, I know him better than I know Jerry or Tim, I think. And I can't help but feel guilty for our work schedule, even if I had very little say in the matter.

How did we get here? How can we be sitting here waiting for result of open heart surgery now when it should have been months ago? How did we rationalize waiting? How did business become more important than…well, living? Life, for God's sake! We're not children. We have our own priorities. We have mouths…how did we think waiting for the European tour to be over was a good idea? Not even good…just plain old okay. How did that effect what's happening now? What the hell is happening now?

"Kevin?" Ma's next to me now, holding my hand and looking up into my face. I offer a small smile, trying to reassure her that she doesn't have to worry about me. She should be with Aunt Jackie and Uncle Harry, concerned about them. "Don't look so frightened, honey. He'll be fine," she tells me quietly. I can't answer her though. If I say anything, I'm probably going to cry and start blaming myself for…what, I don't know. But I'd find something. I just know this should have happened months ago, and we should have made it happen instead of waiting, and postponing. If I had fought a little more, maybe they would've listened and we wouldn't have added on more dates.

I look around at my family, knowing that I promised them all that I'd look out for him when he came down to Orlando, and feel like I've let them all down somehow. I feel like we've done nothing but make poor choices, and now they're all catching up to us. Shouldn't I have known better? Shouldn't I have been able to control the situations better? Between the health and schedules of the fellas, the touring, the contracts… Wasn't I the oldest? The one that was supposed to know better?

She tugs at my hand and stands up. "Let's go stretch our legs," she suggests, and I can't say no, can I? But I know that the second I walk out of this room I'm going to lose it. So does she, I think. She doesn't say anything until we're halfway down the hall. She wraps an arm around my waist, and I realize just how tiny she really is when I put my arm around her shoulder. "He's going to be okay, Kevin."

That's it. I knew it. It wasn't going to take much, but my vision is immediately blurred with tears and I'm sure she can feel me shaking. I want to say 'I know' or even, 'yeah', but can't. Nothing comes out of my mouth, and if I open it, I'll only start sobbing like a kid. I'm supposed to be strong, aren't I?

"He's had this since he was born. It was going to happen eventually, even if he wasn't on tour," she tells me quietly, squeezing my waist a little tighter. "He knew he'd have to have this surgery, too."

"But why is it taking so long?" Okay, that's good, I didn't choke on the words. "Why has he been in there over an hour? What if we put too much pressure on him to keep going and now there's something wrong?" Shit, I lost it on that last one and close my eyes tightly to keep from openly crying now.

"You didn't do anything, Kevin," she says in that firm motherly tone she has. "He's had a murmur and hole in his heart since he was born. Whether he was in the group, or a lawyer, or…anything else he decided to do, he'd still be having surgery. You've been there for him whenever he needed you, and you've watched out for him, even when he didn't think he needed watching over. There's nothing you could have done to prevent it."

"We should have made him have it sooner," I say, shaking my head at my own stubbornness and anger. "I should have told Johnny and Lou to fuck themselves and not even allowed those dates…"

"The doctors told him he was in good health," she interrupts. "He did the right thing and asked the doctors and got their okay. They're the experts here, Kevin. You're not a heart specialist to know what's going on. So stop thinking the worst. He's going to be fine, and you didn't make any of this happen, okay?" We stop at the end of the hallway and she makes me look at her. "You've done everything you could to protect him, and even the rest of those boys. We all know you have. You've all been pushed very hard and no one has all the answers." She gives me a knowing look. "That includes you. Now, give me a hug." She holds me tight. "Take a deep breath." I do as I'm told. "And let's head back. We'll be hearing news that he's fine any minute now, I'm sure."

Of course she's right. Less than half an hour later the doctor walks in to let us know they found a second hole that had been undetected and that's why it took so long. He's in recovery and resting comfortably. Now it's time to go make the calls the rest of us can.

June 1998

AJ

I'm poolside. There's a light breeze, the sun is out, Amanda's sitting with her feet in the water wearing a bikini and I'm…screaming at my cell phone. It's not on. Matter of fact, I just turned it off. On my father. Calling…a-fucking-gain. 'Is it true? Is it true?' Why, dad, you worried I might have to rely on you to pay for something once in your life?

That's a laugh!

"What is it, baby?" Amanda croons, coming up behind me and wrapping her arms around my shoulders.

"I fuckin' hate him!"

She kisses my neck gently and tightens her grip. "Which him, baby-doll?"

"My God damned, son-of-a-bitch, fucking father him!" This time I just throw the cell phone directly into the pool. Deep side. In doing so, I shrug her off me.

"Baby?" she questions, reaching out to smooth my hair. I just pull away from her again and sit forward, wiping the sweat from my forehead. "AJ…"

"Not fucking now, Amanda!" I snap at her and brush past, heading inside to cool off…not only in the air conditioning. I head into the entertainment room, flicking on all the lights, turning Korn on really loud and take my place behind the bar, not even bothering to pour the shots. I can just get them directly from the bottle.

Amanda comes in a while later, peering into the room cautiously. By now, I'm laying on the leather couch, feeling pretty numb and watching the lights swirling around the ceiling wishing I had some gig, an interview, a studio schedule…something...anything, but this sitting around and doing nothing.

"Baby-doll?" Amanda asks cautiously, sitting on the top of the couch. As she reaches out to brush my cheek, I grab her wrist and pull her over the side. My mouth finds hers with a numbing force, forcing it open with my tongue as my hands grab her hair and tightens into a fist. She cries out against me, and I'm pretty sure it's because I'm pulling her hair, but she bites my bottom lip seconds later and gasps for a breath. "Do I need a spanking?" she growls harshly.

My head is spinning, and I don't even answer her. I just grab her arm and turn her around roughly so that she's on her knees. I watch her grind herself against the back of the couch, moaning softly and place my hands on her waist, letting myself feel the shift of her waist against my swollen cock.

I untie the strings of her bikini, freeing her massive breasts, but leaving the strings tied around her neck. As she lifts her hands back to brush against my thighs, I grab her wrists and force them in front of her. Then, I untie the strings around her neck and tie her wrists together with the top of her bikini. She's still writhing up and down, back and forth, moaning deeply from her throat.

It makes me want to wrap my hands around her neck. So I do when I push my hips against her and she swallows a frightened gasp. I release her immediately, though, to cling onto her hips and pull her more firmly against me, disrupting her rhythmic writhing.

"I need a spanking…" she sputters breathily, biting her lips together. "Spank me, AJ." I pull back and rub my palm over her bare ass. Thongs, man…what's the point? I caress the smooth, tanned skin for a moment before pulling back and slapping it. She cries out before releasing a moan and writhes once again. I bend over to place my lips on the red spot forming, licking it before pulling back and smacking it again with the same force. "I've been so bad…" she whimpers, and I can hear tears in her voice. "I need to be punished. Punish me…spank me…hard…"

I can't see clearly. There's tears in my eyes as I let myself go, doing just what she's asking me to do. I spank her, making her cry out fiercely with each smack. I can't keep it up for long, though, and soon, I'm leaning over, placing small, gentle kisses where my handprints swell on her ass and thighs. Soon, I'm pulling the thong down her thighs and kneeling behind her, spreading her legs so I can taste the wetness between her legs, making her moan in pleasure this time as I drag my lip-covered teeth over her clit.

I slip myself between her legs to sit on the couch and suck on her breasts, lowering her hips down to my lap. I place my hands on either side of her face and pull her face close so I can kiss her deeply, sucking on her tongue and biting her bottom lip. My hands caress gently the spots I was just slapping, and lifting my hips up to greet hers.

She pulls away and caresses my cheeks with a back of one of her bound hands, smiling down to me with tears in her eyes and on her cheeks. I am so turned on, I can barely breathe and if I don't get inside her, I'm going to come in my bathing suit. Sliding back down between her legs, I pull it off, position myself behind her, and ram myself deep inside. Her head drops back and she screams loudly. All I do is clasp my hand over her mouth and ram inside once again. This time, she screams against my palm and I grasp my free hand around her waist and hold firmly, thrusting again.

It feels like the edges of the room turn white and gray with the pleasure and I close my eyes before I lose my balance. I just need to concentrate on her wetness, on the sounds our bodies make together, and way her cries are muffled against my hand. I need to hear her scream again, so I uncover her mouth and put my hand in her hair, pulling her head back as I thrust again. "Harder…" she demands in a gasp and I do what she asks. "Faster…" I do that as well, finally releasing her in order to hold onto her hips, thrusting without control inside of her until everything turns white around me as I explode inside of her.

Somehow we end up lying together on the couch and I'm caressing the softness of her belly, inhaling the coconut scent of her tanning lotion. The couch is a disgusting mess by this point, but I don't care, and I don't want to move. I just close my eyes to her presence and finally take a deep breath.

"Feel better, baby?" she asks, letting her fingertips run over the tattoos on my forearms.

I can barely grunt in reply, but my mind goes over everything I did to her. "You're not hurt, are you?"

"I'm a little sore, yeah," she says, and I feel her hand rub her ass. "I may not be sitting down too hard on anything for awhile."

I kiss the back of her neck gently and smile against her. "I'll follow you around with a really soft pillow for you, baby."

"Or, we could just lay in bed for a long time," she suggests. "Not get up. Not move. Not answer the phone."

"Well, my cell is toast," I chuckle, remembering that it's now settled neatly on the bottom of my pool. "Too bad my father couldn't drown with it."

"What'd he say to you?" she asks, leaning back against me more, cuddling up closer.

"You cold?" I ask. I don't want to discuss what my father said to me. All she does is shake her head against my arm under her head and intertwine her fingers with mine. "He's just an asshole. What more do I have to say?" I pull away from her and sit up, taking another drink from the JD bottle before reaching down to the floor for my pack of cigarettes. I light up and pass it to her before lighting up one of my own.

She drapes an arm over the back of the couch to run her fingers across the back of my neck. "He said something."

"Yeah." I inhale deeply and nod slowly. "Like he has a fuckin' clue about anything to be offering advise." I look over at her and roll my eyes. "I'm ruining my career. Guess who found out about the lawsuit?"

"You never bothered to pay attention to him before." She taps her ashes against the ashtray I lift between us. "Why bother now?"

Why? Because there's an exposed nerve - not sure if it's fear or panic or a twisted combination of both - that's scared he might be right. What if we are making a huge mistake? What if we don't win this? What if we can't get out of this contract?

She reaches up to run her fingertips over my lips and smiles at me before kissing me quickly. "You're right," I say, attempting to smile and blow it off. "Why bother now?"


Kevin

"You're still sleeping?" I manage to open my eyes and squint at the light in the room. Kristin's walking in, dropping her bag just inside the doorway and I manage to get up enough energy to roll over. In a little bit, I feel the mattress dip slightly and she leans over my waist. "Kevin?"

"Mrghjajkf." It's not a word, is it? But it's all my brain can function at the moment.

"Kevin, you've been sleeping for days," she says with a sigh. "Come on…get up."

"Mgijklaefad." I like sleep. I think it's time I caught up on some of it. Once Brian's back, we're back on the road and I'm not gonna get any for awhile. I think my body knows this because it's just impossible to stay awake.

Kris sits back up and I can hear her sigh again. "Should I make other plans tonight?" I don't answer her. Not because I don't want to, but because I can't wake up enough to answer. "Damn, Kev, this is getting pretty boring. Are you going to get out of bed at all this week?"

I think my body is starting to get the message that it's not going to get back to sleep until it deals with the noise keeping it awake. I manage to roll over again and appease her by flopping an arm around her waist and pulling her to lie next to me. "Swkadnow."

"We were invited to Jimmy and Karen's for dinner," she tells me. "Remember?"

Not really, but it sounds like something we'd do. I don't see Jimmy enough anymore, and he's settled down with Karen for a few years now. Hard to believe that kid I went to high school with is actually serious about a girl. And he hasn't really let that change him, either. I don't feel uncomfortable around them and you know…sometimes, when fellas get a girl they sort of start acting weird? Like they're on their best behavior til death do they part? Not Jimmy, though, he's still…well, Jimmy. Goes out with the guys, steady job…hard to explain. I don't know. I don't mind being around them for the most part. It's Kristin I don't like being around them with because once we're home she starts in with the 'casual comments'. 'Don't they look cute together?' 'How long have they been seeing each other?' 'When do you think they'll get married?' Hint, hint, hint…

"I don't want to go alone, Kev."

God, don't whine at me… There's no hope. I have to get up. She's not going to leave me alone until I do, even if we don't go to Jimmy's. If we don't, she'll just sit on the side of my bed badgering me to get up. "Half-our," I mumble.

"In Kevin-Time, that means an hour and forty-five minutes," she says, sitting up. "And we'll be late. Come on." She tugs at my wrist and I'm forced to open my eyes. "Up. Shower. Clean yourself and let's go." It's almost impossible to move. "You'll feel better once you get in the shower."

"I feel fine," I grumble, slowly kicking the blankets down. "I'm just sleeping."

"For three days!" She half laughs. "No one is that tired!"

I'm not even going to get into it with her and shuffle past her towards the bathroom. All she does is giggle at me. She's one of the few people who can get away with giggling at me after waking me up. I think the only other one is my mother - and that's only because she gave birth to me.

~

Kristin is hanging on my arm, smiling broadly. "You'll have to forgive him. He just woke up from a three day nap and is a little grumpy," she teases, mussing my hair.

"Let's go mainline some beer, then, man," Jimmy laughs, putting his arm around my shoulder and leading me from the front door.

Karen watches us go and laughs. "Is that your answer to everything?" she calls after us, but all Jimmy does is wave his hand up and laugh.

Funny thing is, he does offer me a beer once we're standing in the kitchen. There're amazing smells of spices and pasta sauce coming from the stove and my body seems to realize that I haven't eaten in days. Beer is the last thing it wants.

"Laugh at me, but really…can I get some coffee?" I ask wearily.

"You've been asleep for three days?" he asks, putting the beer back in the fridge with a shrug and taking out a can of coffee. I manage to nod at him and lean against the counter. "Why the fuck do you look like you've been dragged through Europe then?"

"I have been?" I suggest. "And then came back to touring North America, lawsuits, considering firing our managers, meeting with lawyers…visiting Brian in the hospital…"

"How is he doing?" he asks, pouring water into the coffee maker.

I nod. "A lot better. He's got some color back in his face and is home."

"That had to be pretty fucking scary."

"Jimmy, it's all pretty fucking scary," I admit wearily, crossing my arms in front of me. "Now that I'm mostly done being scared for Brian, it's like I'm finally figuring out that I have to be scared for my career now."

He looks concerned when he glances over. "Is it that bad? Really? I've heard some of the rumors, but didn't pay any attention to them. Are they…?"

I shake my head. "We're not breaking up, no. But we have a lot of shit to straighten out and according to the lawyers, it could take a while. Years."

"Years?"

"Years." That thought alone makes me tired when I think of what we still need to do while we're going through proceedings.

"Man, Kev…kinda sucks, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, just a little," I scoff before shrugging. "But, what're ya gonna do, right? Next time I get a contract in front of me, I'm getting ninety lawyers to read it over and make sure it's okay, that's all." I force myself to smile. "Shoulda been a lawyer, Jimmy. Just like your dad always wanted you to be. You'd be making a fortune off me if you did."

"Yeah, but then I'd actually have to work for you, and I prefer sponging off you for free," he laughs with a nonchalant shrug.

"Asshole!" I laugh, shoving him playfully.

He lifts a finger of warning. "Dude, I'm the man with the coffee. Be nice."

"I'll just go flirt with Karen," I tell him, pointing a thumb over my shoulder. "She'll make you be nice to me. Karen likes me."

~

Somehow my 'morning' coffee gets spiked with rum, or vodka, or bourbon, or all of it for all I know. Caffeine and alcohol on an empty stomach manages to get me tanked, even after we eat, and Jimmy and I are playing 'Remember When…' while the girls sit at the kitchen table talking over plain, old coffee.

I think it's the first time in months that I don't feel like a Backstreet Boy. Here, I'm 'Just Kev' and don't need to watch over anyone. It's just me and Jimmy and our girls hanging out for a night. I think this is the first time in months that I'm comfortable, relaxed and not thinking about the next thing that can go wrong.

You know what that means, don't you? Letting your guard down?

Kristin has to drive home and she's acting weird. I told you…she gets weird. No amount of me attempting to cuddle up with her, or even hold her hand gets by. She just pulls away and keeps her eye on the road. Maybe she's not weird…maybe she's pissed.

"You pissed off or something?" She only looks over at me. Yeah, she's pissed off. Now what'd I do? Whatever it is, I don't feel like getting into it, so I just sigh and pull back into the passenger seat. "Whatever."

"They're getting married, you know," she says following me into the house.

"Yeah, so?" I ask, walking ahead of her and heading up the stairs.

"So?" she says, turning off the lights behind me. "Haven't you noticed, Kevin? Everyone we know is getting married."

I stifle a laugh, which is something I shouldn't do, I know. "Everyone?" I ask. "I think Jimmy's the first, darling."

"All my old roommates are married, Kevin," she answers defiantly. "All my friends from high school are."

"And all your friends from high school travel around the world performing, too? Y'all lead the exact same life?" I ask, sitting on my side of the bed and looking at her as she stands in the doorway to the bedroom.

"It's been five years," she tells me.

"With a total of, maybe, eight months in the same country," I add, but she just drops her chin and peers at me with those deep blue eyes. "Please don't do this, Kris."

"Do what?"

"Compare what we have to everyone else in the world." I drop onto my back and groan before sitting up again. "We don't have the same life as everyone else, Kris. I love you. Can't we just be okay with that for a while?"

"Five years, Kevin."

"So, that means what? I'm wasting your time? There's a time frame on relationships?"

"That means that we should know what we want by now." She leans against the doorframe and tilts her head. "Am I wasting your time?"

"Kristin! No!"

"Then what are we waiting for?"

I shake my head and lift my hands as I get up and head towards the bathroom. "I'm so not doing this right now. I knew you were gonna get all funky on me."

She's walking behind me and stands in the bathroom doorway now as I attempt to get toothpaste on my toothbrush. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"That means," I say, starting to brush my teeth, "I was prepared for the subtle hints, not the full-on debate over whether or not we should run off and get married tomorrow."

"Don't put words in my mouth! I didn't say we should run off and get married…I asked if that might be in the future because so far, the only thing you keep saying about the future is 'you don't know.' And you haven't been able to answer that question for five years. I don't think it's unreasonable."

I lean over and spit into the sink, rinsing my mouth before I stand back up and rinse the toothbrush. "And with the way our lives have been, I do. Everything is in total chaos, Kris. I don't know if I'm going to be living here in a few months. I don't know if I'm going to have a job in a few months. I don't know…I'm being honest. You want me to lie instead?" She just stands in the doorway and I move over to stand in front of the toilet. "Do you mind?"

She leaves, closing the door behind her and I sigh, sitting on the toilet seat. I knew it would become some kind of drama. I just did. I let my guard down, damn it. She loves Jimmy and Karen, but she's so dang jealous of what they have, it's almost not worth seeing them until I do figure out what I want from this. I'm just not ready to get married and I don't want to fight about the reasons why.

"Can't this be enough?" I ask, walking back out of the bathroom. She's sitting on her side of the bed in one of my tee shirts with her back towards me. She doesn't reply. She just lies down and puts her head on the pillow, pulling the blankets up. Yea, the silent treatment.

I get into bed and turn the lights off, lying on my back and staring at the ceiling. She rolls over and puts her head on my shoulder and that completely confuses me. Is she mad or not? I run my hand over her shoulder and along her back gently, kissing the top of her head. "I do love you, Kristin." All she does is nod against me and curls up closer. "I can't offer anything more right now," I say quietly. "I just can't."

"Go to sleep," she whispers.

August 1998

AJ

I don't know what time it is, or who's shoulder I'm crying on anymore. My vision is nothing but blurry anyway, tears or not. I started drinking right after I heard and I don't care how long that's been. I still remember what they told me and it's not fair! It's NOT fair! It's just not!

"I know," they answer, and I feel a firm hand on my shoulder, attempting to soothe me. It's placed at the back of my neck, and I do feel the support. It's just not comforting. Nothing is comforting. It sucks, and it's not fair!

With whatever coordination I have left, I pull away from the shoulder and manage to lift a glass of JD to my lips and take another gulp. Why don't I feel numb yet? When am I going to feel numb to all of this? I feel as if my insides have turned solid, but outside, I'm all watery; tears and sweat, followed by chills and almost a gagging feeling. This is not supposed to be happening. I'm supposed to be forgetting, damn it! I'm not supposed to keep remembering that Denniz is dead!

He was one of the only people that believed in us when we started out. He was one of the only people that took the time to show us how things are done, who to talk to… He showed us the right places to be, what to say. It went beyond writing incredible songs. It went to taking us under his wing and being there. And I mean really being there. He never gave us lip service. He listened. He answered our questions. He explained the boards and the sounds and the tracks. He knew our voices, what we could handle. And he hung out with us, laughed with us, talked with us, knew who we were…and cared.

Cared…

What the fuck's the point of all of this? First all this court crap, then Brian, now Denniz? Is this on purpose? Aren't we allowed to get a minute to enjoy the hard work we've done? What kind of sick joke is all this? Aren't we enough of a joke everywhere else in our lives?

Well, fuck that! I can't take much more of this crap! We haven't done anything but work our asses off and be nice fucking guys to everyone! And this is what happens?

Fuck that!

"Aje!"

That was loud and wasn't just in my head. I've been a ranting lunatic and figure out Howie's standing behind me, holding my elbow. I follow with my eyes from my elbow to my hand and see that I've still got the bottle in my hand and was about to slam my fist into the wall. That coulda really sucked!

"Be upset, man. Get angry," he's saying, and all I can do is blink back the blurriness and tears, swaying even though he's holding on to me. "We're all upset, Alex… But you can't do anything stupid. You can't lose control. That's not going to help anyone, okay?" Leading me back to the chair, he sits me down and pries the bottle of JD out of my hands, putting it on the table in front of me. "None of us understand everything that's happening. But all we can do is turn to each other to get us through it. Okay? I'll help you get through it, Al."

"No one can," I manage to mumble before bursting into tears again, totally overwhelmed, and Howie's right there, pulling me against his shoulder and rubbing the back of my neck again.

September 1998

Kevin

When I open my eyes, I know I was out partying. My mouth is dried out, my head is pounding, my stomach is churning and gurgling, and I have to pee like a racehorse. Standing up, I realize it wasn't a good idea to pass out fully dressed. My trousers must have been rubbing me wrong somehow because I feel like I've got rug burn in my groin region.

I get out of bed and look over to Silvy sleeping on her stomach. Funny, I never noticed that she had a tattoo before, right on her upper right buttock. I can't quite make out what it's of, but it's there. Weird. We've been seeing each other for a few weeks now, too. You'd think I'd notice something like that, wouldn't you?

Then again, I haven't been paying much attention to detail lately. There's too much of it to keep track of, really. Silvy's been around because Kristin suggested we not see each other. Fine. I was sick of fighting with her anyway… At least, that's what I keep telling myself before letting the rest of me be distracted by Silvana. And to be honest, there's a lot of Silvana to be distracted by! Her long, dark, silky hair, those wide, dark brown eyes, her curves, her Latin passion…she's everything opposite of Kristin. Maybe that's why we've been spending so much time together. Silvy's so different, I keep hoping I'll stop thinking about Kristin?

On the way to the bathroom, I pull off my tee shirt and step out of my trousers, confused because there are just trousers…and I know I didn't go out commando but I'm commando now. It's when I step back from the toilet and catch myself in the mirror, I scream. "Holy shit!"

I'm staring at the "trouser rub" and that's not what it is! It's tattoos! Two of them! Big, black, Chinese characters! "Oh, fuck!"

"Kevin…what is it?" Silvana is pounding on the door and I fling it open before looking down and back in the mirror.

Yeah, there are two tattoos. No doubt about it. "What's this? These aren't real, are they? They'll wash off, right?"

She giggles and leans against the doorframe. "No, they won't wash off, Kevin." She reaches out to take hold of my hand and draws me closer. She points to one of them. "This one means 'pleasure' and this one means 'music.' You chose them." I blink at her. I chose them? When? WHEN? "Do you not remember? I said to you that you should choose the things that speak to you from the heart…the voice that is loudest in your head. And you said your voice always said 'music' and 'pleasure.'"

Dang, that's pretty fly for a drunk guy, ain't it?

"They're real?" is the only thing that comes out of my mouth.

She nods at me and smiles. "They are very sexy." She kisses my cheek and lays her hand on my other. "You are very sexy, Kevin. They suit you. From now on, when you peel away the layers, there will be a surprise of music and pleasure." She turns my head to face her and kisses me, leading me back into the bedroom.


AJ

I don't think I've ever seen Kevin look this sheepish, almost guilty. You'd think he was caught with a gram or something. Instead, he's pulled me aside and is looking over his shoulder. "Dude, how long to tattoos, like, hurt?" he asks me with his voice lowered.

"Hurt?" I glance at him curiously.

"Yeah, you know…like that rug burn feeling?"

Okay, this is priceless. "How would you know how it feels, Kev?" He seems to deflate when I laugh at him and he rolls his eyes. "Did you do something you regret, dawg? Huh?"

"Aje…"

"Lemme see, Kev," I giggle, dancing in front of him and poking at him, hoping to find where he got it. "Lemme see…"

"Ah," he glances around and shakes his head, "not right now."

That sends me further into a fit of laughter, but he's not finding any of this funny. You'd think he'd have paid closer attention when Brian and me got ours. "Did they give you some kind of ointment? Lotion?" He shakes his head looking baffled, and embarrassed. "You need to get like, Vaseline or something like that. Keep it from scabbing up, and wear loose clothes around it until it finishes flaking."

"How long does it hurt, though?"

"Keep it moist and it shouldn't hurt more than a day or two." I can't help but keep laughing at him. "Dude, come on…what is it? Where'd you get it?"

He shakes his head, biting his lower lip. "I honestly can't tell you, man." That at least gets a reluctant chuckle from him. "I don't really remember getting it that much."

"Little drunk were we?"

"Just a little, yeah."

"Where is it, Kev?" I start poking him again.

"Trust me, man, you're not going to find it by poking there." That's it. I start howling in laughter. He doesn't need to say much more and he knows it. I'm actually watching Kevin blush. "It ain't that funny."

Actually, it is and I can't wait to tell everyone I know. "I can't believe it!"

"Believe what?" Nick asks, coming into the room and looking at us.

"No!" Kevin says quickly.

Too late! I'm already telling him that Kevin's not sharing his tattoo.

"Dude! You got a tat? Let's see!" he says excitedly, smacking the back of his hand against Kevin's shoulder. Kevin just blushes deeper and gives me one of his pointed stares. "What is it?"

"Yeah, Kev, what is it?" I ask playfully.

Almost on cue, Howie comes through the door and Nick calls him over, sharing the news. "Oh really?" Howie says innocently. "What'd you get? Let's see."

Giving each of us a long look, Kevin steps back and tugs at the strings of his sweats, dropping his drawers and lifting his shirt up. He looks back up at us with one of his smirks, thinking he's got the last, uh, 'word' in. I can't help it, and apparently, neither can Nick. We both point and laugh.

"Dude! What is it?"

"Music and pleasure," he drawls slowly, attempting to sound defiant with his drawers down around his knees.

That sends us into further cackling. "You can make music with that little 'ol thang?" Nick cackles. I help draw the picture for him by screaming in ecstasy and hurling myself at Kevin. I get a good firm shove and fall back just as Brian and LeighAnne walk in.

Now this has to be a sight to behold. LeighAnne is blinking at Kevin, blushing with her mouth gaping open. Brian's just blinking at us, and me, Howie and Nick are in tears we're laughing so hard. Kevin, with as much decorum as he can muster, which is a lot considering his family jewels are hangin' out, slips his sweats back up and ties them in place, nods to Brian and LeighAnne and slips out of the room.

Tattoos, man…they truly make the man, don't they?

November 1998

Kevin

I'm thinking part of me should feel kind of guilty for changing a tradition, but I just don't. Right now, you can't break the smile off my face, to be honest, because I think it's all just too dang cool. Not only has the Ledger-Herald put out two different covers to honor Brian and me, but the Annual Christmas Tree Lighting in Lexington was moved three days earlier because our shows were sold out at Rupp. That's the first time in like fifteen years it's been changed. Okay, so the technical reason is 'traffic', but if we didn't sell out, they probably wouldn't have bothered, right?

Besides, after how crappy this year has been, I'm teaching myself to appreciate the 'little things' a lot more.

"Hey." I look over to the door and Howie's standing there looking tired. Our latest victim. He's back from burying his sister who died suddenly from Lupus. To make matters worse, he missed saying good-bye because he missed the last plane. I choke up just thinking about it.

I embrace him and welcome him back, asking how he's doing.

He sits down and nods with a shrug. "Okay, I guess. How're things here?"

I scoff lightly. "The usual mayhem. You haven't missed much." Oh, bad choice of words, wasn't it? "Good flight back?"

"I slept for most of it, I think," he says, slouching down a bit. "Catching up."

"Your family all right? They're holding up okay?"

He bites the tip of his tongue and nods, but tears appear in his eyes. "Mom's taking it really hard…really hard. And PollyAnna has her moments, but for the most part, best as can be expected I guess. We're going to form a foundation in her memory."

"Good idea. She'd appreciate that."

He wipes one of the tears off his cheek and looks out the window. "Sorry…thought I'd stop doing this once I got back."

"Howie, man, it's gonna take a lot longer than a few days to get over it. It's not like we don't understand." He nods again and exhales deeply. "You could have taken more time. We would have covered."

"Nah," he shakes his head, "I couldn't do anything down there anyway. I think I just want to be distracted for a while."

I lean over and slap his knee lightly. "Well, you've come to the right place! I've been trying to break Nicky's high score all day. Think you might have any luck?"

"You've been productive, eh?" he chuckles, taking the controls. "I doubt I'll beat Nicky's score, but I bet I can beat yours without too much of a problem."

December 1998

AJ

Nick can't look more miserable if he tried. For weeks he's been blowing this whole thing off, braving the worst of it with a stiff smile, but we have a copy of it now…and we're only looking at the pictures and reading the captions. Poor guy. His mother wrote a tell-all book about his rise to fame and he's been recruited out of familial duties to help her promote it. I know for a fact he'd rather be on a beach somewhere screwing Mandy, but instead, he's on the phone, yes-ing his mother's instructions and asking when he can go home. It's not like we've got a whole heck of a lot of time off, and she's going to book him on her book signing tour?

Not that I am in any position to judge anyone, but even to me this is a bit much. Overhearing the conversations, Jane's got Nick at one side, pushing the book, and drops Aaron's name every other sentence. Nick's now become part of the promotion cog for his little brother and I don't think he's even sure how he got involved.

Again, it's not that it matters if I approve of any of this…but sometimes I think Jane loses perspective when it comes to getting mileage out of her sons' talents. She means well, which is why I think Nick tolerates all this so well.

"Dude, you trying to be Huckleberry Finn?" Brian asks, turning the book to show Nick a picture of himself in overalls and straw hat, barefoot and lounging in a tree.

"Or is that what seven year olds find sexy?" Howie chimes in. Nick's still on the phone, so his only response is rolling his eyes without any kind of amusement. Howie looks back at the picture and crinkles his forehead. "Are seven year old allowed to be sexy?"

"Dude, that's carefree, not sexy! Get a grip! He still not allowed to show skin at eighteen!" Brian cackles.

"Then how does he get it on with Mandy if he's not showing any skin?" I ask. Flipping through the book, I glance back up to Nick. "No pictures of your first kiss, Nicky? Your first girlfriend?" He mouths 'bite me' and mumbles something to the phone.

"Brian's got that covered," Howie teases, kicking Brian next to him and giggling. He looks at me next and cracks a grin. "You too, huh, Aje? Why is it there are all these books being written about the one's that don't have anything to share?"

"Meaning?" I laugh indignantly. "You and who, Kevin? Have better stories?"

"I'll never tell!" Howie crows, straightening his shoulders. "And anyone else that does is lying!"

"You're just a male slut," Brian drawls evenly. "There aren't enough trees in the world to go into detail about yours and Kevin's activities. And even if there were…"

"No one'd believe it," Howie interrupts. "We're the quiet one's. We fly in under the radar."

All of us toss something at him - pillows, Nick's book, a sneaker. "Why don't we ask Kevin why there's no tell-all about him? My guess is that you're all too damn dull to write about," I suggest.

"Kevin's on the phone with Kristin," Brian says, rolling his eyes.

"Grovel, grovel, grovel?" I question.

"No," Brian answers, "he's using his 'love tone.' They're happy this week."

This week seems to be stretching out lately. Still a flirt, but he's waking up alone in the mornings, and his phone bills are growing steadily. Maybe something's happened we don't know about, but he's a lot more content these last few weeks. I think the whole Silvana situation really changed his mind about some things. He hasn't said anything, but I think for the first time ever, he's not straying.

"Oh, shit," Howie starts. "Barry White's making phone calls?" He glances down the aisle and back to us. "Bay-bee…I've been layin' here…missin' you…" he starts in a deep, Kevin-esque tone.

"Yeah, and that's better than you?" Brian cackles. Howie's imitation is pretty damn good, actually. "I've been watching you from across the room," he winks, "and I just had to come see for myself," he winks each eye separately and smoothes his hair back. "Did it hurt when you fell to Earth from heaven?"

Damn, that was pretty good too! We crack up and Nick waves his hand and points to the phone. Whoops, forgot. "And then there's Nicky," Brian continues, still laughing. "You wanna what?" His eyes widen before he shrugs. "Mmm, okay!"

Nick covers the phone. "Bite me!" he whispers and kicks Brian.

"Let's not forget, AJ!" Uh-oh. My turn. Brian stands up and starts bobbing, almost like a monkey. "Yo, baby! How 'bout you an' me go back to my room and start getting freaky?" He looks over to me. "You got the best lines, dude."

"All right…" Yeah, he's pretty good at doing me, too. "And how about Brian's pick up lines?" I start. "Aw, shucks…golly, gosh-gee-willakers, even…" I do my best imitation of Jim Carrey and bulge my eyes out. "Maybe you'd like to come to my private Bible study group. We're getting a little wild and having sparkling grape juice this time!"

"You forgot to do the southern drawl," Howie corrects me, but we're all cracking up, even Nick who's lost the conversation with his mom. She gets his attention back, but he's still busy cracking up.

"Can y'all keep it down?" Kevin calls from his bunk.

"We're interrupting Barry's moves," Howie whispers loudly, before being hit in the head by the pillow Kevin hurls at him.

Sometimes we're such kids.

Chapter 1: 1993

Chapter 2: 1994

Chapter 3: 1995

Chapter 4: 1996

Chapter 5: 1997