Goin' On For Years

by Cori

January 1999

Kevin

I kind of feel like I'm back in High School and everyone is chillin' after a game. My brothers, Tim and Jerry, and me are standing outside with some beer, and our girlfriends are inside in the kitchen doing…something…bonding or some such thing. Music's blaring out the window, we're expecting some more people to stop by, the grill's fired up. Just…a typical Sunday, right?

But today, I wasn't geared up, and it wasn't Irvine, Kentucky. Instead, I was mid-field with a mic in my hand singing the American anthem to a sold out crowd of 66,000 people at the Outback Bowl in Tampa. I can't even tell you how scared I was to go out there, and I think the only reason I did was because I didn't want to face my family and girlfriend if I didn't. Besides, the Cats were playing…and I'll do just about anything for the Cats. Too bad they lost. If they won, we'd probably still be in Tampa at some bar being rowdy and drunk.

I'm at that really cozy drunk, where everything is warm and fuzzy, and you just want to cuddle with your girl and not think about who's watching. I'm thinking that I don't see my brother's enough. We don't get to just hang back and chill with each other, and somehow they're still my brothers, but they're…adults? We're talking about buying houses, who got married, had kids, who's been promoted, moved away… Weird adult-type things that I never even considered I'd be talking about with the brothers that used to shove me in the clothes hamper and threaten my life with telling ma and dad that I finished the ice cream.

The girls come out with chips and dip and it's just instinctive to slip my arm around Kristin's waist and pull her to me. She spent most of the game on my lap, and lately, we can't seem to keep our hands off each other. She just wraps her arms around mine and snuggles into me, and I can feel the smile grow across my face. This is nice.

~

A while later, it's me, Jerry and Tim, lying on the grass after a game of pick-up football with no real rules. We were just tossing the ball around, tackling one another on occasion. Tim's had his shorts pulled down around his ankles more than once, I've managed to get away from that attack with Tim and Jerry telling me I've always been too danged small and fast for them. My head's resting on the football as a pillow and I'm looking up at the night sky; no stars in sight. Then I feel a nudge in my side and look over to Jerry, giving me that stupid smile.

"So?" Jerry asks curiously.

I just, kind of, shrug. "So, what?"

"So," Tim cuts in, kicking the bottom of my sneakers, "is this…real? You're finally making it happen?"

"Making what happen?" I can make them drag it out of me. I'm the little brother. It's what I do, right?

"Punk-ass," Jerry scoffs, pulling the football from my head. "Kristin, you douche-bag. Is this going to be it? You're lookin' pretty cozy there, little bro."

"Am I?" I ask with a laugh, knowing I'm annoying them.

"Brat!" Tim kicks me again.

"What if I am, dawg?" I ask. "What do you want me to say? You're pretty cozy yourselves! You don't see me drillin' y'all, now do you?"

"No, but Jill is family now, and Tim's been with Tracy for a while. You're the one that never seemed to be settled until now. So, we want to know…are you settled?"

After Silvy, I just backed off and really started asking myself some questions. Questions like, 'what are you doin', dawg?' And probably for the first time in my life I was honest with myself. I'm starting to think that I've had enough of the emptiness. Everything around me feels empty, or false…fake. I'm tired of looking around and wondering if the people around me are there for me, or for where I can get them. Doubt has crept into just about every aspect of what I was doing in the first place, and going out and just trying to forget that I was doubting by picking up some fling, became me doubting why she agreed to come with me. Defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

And when the act was over…it felt empty. Sexually, sure, that urge was satisfied and usually better than whacking off, but aside from that, there just wasn't any connection, and left me feeling more alone than before the sex. I had a warm body. I'm not saying that they weren't interesting people in their own right, it just didn't start out with any kind of connection beyond physical attraction.

And then I remember what I had with Kristin. I may not understand why she dated me, but I never questioned her motives behind it. I trust her to see who I am beyond what I do for a living; always have. And she's never doubted our ability to do it. She's always encouraged me to go and do what I needed to do - and that goes beyond my career. She encourages my views, and my hobbies. She loves the bond I have with my friends and family, my roots, and where I come from. She encourages me to reach beyond my vocal abilities and stretch myself into the music that inspires me. She encourages me to create, and love, and be inspired. And then I remember her on top of the mountain a few months ago, when she looked at me and just knew where my head and heart was.

So, then, I end up asking myself…what the hell are you doing? Why the heck do you keep searching for something that you already have? It's like I keep expecting to find something better, but whatever I find, I just compare it to what I already have and it always falls short. It always makes me miss Kris in the end.

So, that's it. I've made up my mind to stop looking for something better and just let myself admit to myself that I already have exactly what I want. I have everything I need in Kristin, so now it's time to devote all that excess energy to her.

"Would you look at that expression?" Jerry laughs, nudging me. "It's not the million dollar question, little bro!"

"I'm…doing the best that I can," I answer sheepishly, pushing myself up.

"Cop out!" they both chime.

Tim sits up and puts me into a headlock with a laugh, pushing my face towards the ground. "Answer the question or I'll make you eat dirt!"

"Yes!" I finally admit with a nervous laugh, feeling my face burn suddenly.

Dang, I just admitted it to my family. This is serious, isn't it?

Tim releases me and when I sit up, both of them are looking at me like I've just grown a 2nd head. How is this a surprise to them when they're grilling me about bein' all cozy? They obviously noticed something, right? "What?" I ask, looking between them.

"When the hell did you grow up?" Jerry asks me, his forehead scrunched in confusion.

Tim nods slightly. "Yeah…ten minutes ago, you were just my kid brother."

"My life just flashed before my eyes, I think," Jerry chuckles. "I keep seeing you as this little kid in cowboy pajamas and that stupid bowl cut ma gave you when you were seven."

I nudge him and laugh out loud. "Newsflash, Jer…you're about eleven years behind the present."

"Not up here," he tells me, pointing to his head.

"Well then, up there's got some catching up to do. You guys realize that I'm twenty-eight, right?" I say this with a slight grin. "I've been drunk, stoned, around the world a few times too, you know? I even had sex before." I put a finger to my lips as if that's a big secret. They both gasp and groan playfully. "None of this is news to y'all, right? Y'all haven't been thinking I've been living in the hills wearing cowboy pj's, right?"

"It's one thing to…I don't know!" Tim struggles. Somehow we're going from calm, easy banter to some kind of brotherly-pow-wow. I'm not sure how it's happening. "You're always our little brother, Kev. The annoying tag-along. But it's like, now…you're not."

"Okay, so Tim's head caught up with the times. How about yours, Jer?" I joke.

He just shakes his head slowly. "Kind of the same. It's just a little weird. I mean, I remember ma and dad bringing you home from the hospital. It doesn't feel like you're the same baby somehow."

"Dude, you're going backwards. There's been a few years in between, you know? I've been out of diapers for years now."

"You know what I mean!" he protests, tossing the football between his hands thoughtfully.

"You're acting like this is some huge thing…"

"Kev," Jerry says, looking up from his personal game of catch, "you're trying to play it down, but even you think it is, don't you?"

"Know what I think is a big deal?" I push myself up further, getting ready to run. "New management, a Grammy and a few days off." I attempt to sprint off, but don't get very far. I forgot how good Tim could be at tackling and he's got the advantage of me being a little tipsy. Before I take my second step, I'm kissing the dirt with both of them piling on top of me.

February 1999

AJ

"Lean in a bit more, guys."

I lean closer to Howie and look out to the camera with a smile. There's an award between all of us and I'm not even all that excited by it anymore. Well, no…not that I'm not excited by it, but it's starting to feel like… Ah, hell, I don't know what it feels like! It's cool and all, but really, it's another award, another picture, that no one is going to give us credit for. Something else to put on a wall somewhere and have someone dust it on occasion. Smile and say 'whatever!'

The Firm's set the whole thing up. Now that we found someone to look out for our best interests, we're really being put into the limelight and they're scrambling to make us money. And the way to make us money is to get us back into the public eye and sell-sell-sell! Ourselves, our names, our mother's if they'll make a profit.

Okay, so the hangover might be speaking a bit too loud for me this morning. AJ playing all night, makes AJ grumpy all day. I was happy to celebrate this award last night: maybe too happy because Amanda just about bitch-slapped me to get my ass out of bed to be here. Aspirin ain't cutting it and I haven't been alone to take anything stronger. Not that I know what else I could take. But sleep would be pretty cool.

"The Boys would also, at this time, like to announce that their next album will be released in early Spring." One of label reps is smiling at us, beaming in that self-pride as if he's part of the group and working right along side of us. "We here at Jive are certain you all will be back here again to celebrate another of these awards for that album too!"

"Make that two," Brian chirps, making everyone cheer and chuckle.

Kiss ass…every one of these people are kiss asses.

Smile and say 'whatever!'


Kevin

"Where the hell have you been?" I ask Nick and AJ when they come through the door. They both stop and look at me in shock, but I don't get an answer. "Well? Where the hell have you been? We were supposed to be back here half an hour ago."

"Dude," AJ giggles, "the waitress was slow. Chill."

"Fuck that, AJ! We've been sitting around waiting on your asses for half an hour!"

"Well, don't stand around and bitch at us for another one," Nick gripes back, walking past me. I can smell the alcohol on him. "Time is money…money is time!" He claps in my face and heads towards the studio door.

I look over at AJ sternly. "He's not old enough to be drinking."

"Do I look like his keeper?" AJ asks with a shrug.

"Do I look like someone who wants to bail your asses out of jail?"

He starts walking past me with a sputter of doubt. "It wouldn't be you, dawg. Chill. We're here. The waitress was slow. We had a few drinks. Get over it."

"Save the lip, AJ."

"Save the lecture, Kevin." He swings around to look at me. "You're not our keeper…and we're all getting pretty damn sick of having to answer to you. You're not the authority over us. We're responsible for ourselves and don't have to answer to you."

"When it's my time you're wasting, yeah, you do." Who the hell does he think he is? "What the hell do you think we're doing here, AJ? We haven't wasted enough time making this album, you think we need to waste more by getting you and Nicky arrested? Yeah! Great idea! Why don't we get our names in the paper for that on top of everything else! Good plan!"

"Save the sarcasm," AJ answers with a shake of his head, and I swear if he rolls his eyes one more time, I'm gonna hit him. "We're here. Let it go."

"You can at least…"

"Fellas?" Brian comes to the doorway and looks at us nervously. "We're all inside waiting."

He's heard us bickering and that's his way of getting us back on board. AJ does roll his eyes at me once more with a shake of his head and heads back into the room, but now I'm pissed. So I step behind him and shove his shoulder. "What the fuck is your problem?" AJ yells, turning around to shove me in return.

"Roll your eyes at me one more time and I'll roll you through the wall," I tell him, holding my place.

"Jesus, Kevin!" he bitches back. "It's getting a little old!"

"So are we…waiting for you two," Brian interrupts. "Let it go."

"Tell that to Kevin." AJ walks away, shaking his head.

"Can we get on with it?" Brian asks me.

"Yeah, and it's me you've been waiting around for, too."

"Gee," AJ says, looking to Nick, "and here I thought there were three others in the group that could get a few tracks down without us. Guess we're more important than we realized, eh, Nicky?" He looks over at me while he elbows Nick, and Howie steps in next to him.

Before I can do anything, Brian's got his hand on my chest and mumbling for me to let it go. Yeah, I'll let it go - my fist, that is, right into his fat, punk-ass mouth! "He's just pushing buttons, dawg."

Yeah, he's pushing buttons. I know that, but I don't care. Wasting time…

"What's that? He's got a hot date?" AJ says, looking over Howie's shoulder, pretending that's what Howie's saying. Like I'm gonna believe that?

"Thin ice, Alex," I warn him, pointing over Brian's shoulder, "real thin ice."

"You might be in a better mood if you got laid," he giggles, cracking Nicky up and I think, Howie too.

"Know what?" I look around the room feeling mostly disgusted. "Fuck you. If y'all ain't gonna care about this, then why the fuck should I? I'm outta here." I turn on my heels and push the door open, letting it slam against the wall as I walk through it before it slams behind me to the chorus of groans and Brian and Howie calling my name.


AJ

"Real nice, Kev!" I yell down the hall after him. "You're gonna bitch at us for being late, and then you're just gonna fuck off? Yeah, that's fuckin' mature!"

I have no clue what the hell he's so pissed at. We've never, ever, ever been on time for anything. Hell, half an hour late is good for Nick! But I don't think that's what's the matter. He was pissed off and we're just a good excuse to bitch.

"Mature?" He's at the end of the hallway and turns to lift his caterpillars at me. "You want to talk mature? Why don't you start by fuckin' defining it, AJ?"

"How about - the opposite of you right now?" I call back. "You made your friggin' point. You win, okay?" Dear fuckin' God he can be a baby sometimes! Older brother, my ass! This…this is when you know Kevin was the baby of his family. It's always his way, or no way.

Brian comes out behind me and I don't know what he does, but Kevin storms back down the hallway towards us and pushes back through without a word. Before I can roll my eyes, Brian forbids me with a stare and tilts his head for me to get inside too. I feel like screaming 'it was a half an hour!' but don't when I see that Howie's attempting to get Kevin to sit down. Nick's already sitting on the floor looking bored and annoyed and I know what's coming.

"All right, fellas," Brian says, closing the door behind him. "Enough. Quit dissin' on each other and get over it. We have a lot to do." He walks over to the board and brings up one of the new tracks. "Was this a yes or a no?" He turns and looks at me and Kevin. "And don't you dare disagree for the sake of disagreeing with each other."

"Hate it," I sigh.

Kevin looks over at me. "Keep it."

"Can I leave?" Nick pipes up, raising his hand. "I ain't got the energy for this right now."

Brian looks at Howie. "Keep it," he says.

"I say keep it," Brian says, turning the track back down. "AJ, what do you want to change?"

"His attitude." I point to Kevin.

"I said friggin' get over it!" Brian gripes. "What do you want to change about the song?"

"The key, the words, the tempo, the harmonies…"

"There are no harmonies set yet, dawg," Kevin sighs.

"If we put them to what we have, I'm not gonna like it. I don't like the song."

Nick raises his hand again and drops his head back against the wall. "Can I leave now? This is just gettin' stupid."

"It is," Howie agrees with a nod. "What the hell did y'all eat to get so pissy?"

"I was fine…"

"You were late…"

"It's over and we're just wasting more time rehashing it all. Dang it, fellas! AJ, Nicky, apologize for being late. Kevin, apologize for being a hard ass and let's move on."

"Tellin' ya, he just needs to get laid," I mutter to Nick, cracking him up. But, when I turn to look back at Brian, Kevin glares down at me furiously. "God damn, Kev! I'm just fucking kidding!"

"Well, knock it off!" The rest of us just sit in total silence, blinking at him. "Look, Kris is waiting for me and I just want to get this finished so I can go home, okay?"

I move back slightly, but pass him a small grin, a sort of warning. He knows me. I have to make a comment. "So, you do need get laid!" That gets a hint of a smile.

"You're such a fuckin' asshole," he grumbles, but he's chuckling. This time, he leans over and pushes his finger against my forehead. "Do something productive with your yappin' and just sing, okay?"

"I'll sing…but not that song," I answer with an exaggerated roll of my eyes.

March 1999

AJ

I never know which is more amusing…actually playing golf, or watching Brian and Kevin on the greens as they play. I'm actually pretty comfortable when I play, occasionally losing my temper, but over all, I'm calm. Brian is, of course, pretty darn perfect. It's a sport, so he has to excel at it, but the most fun is Kevin because he gets so pissed off, so fast. He wants to play it better, and it's considered a gentleman's game, so he should be perfect at it you'd think. But he stomps around, curses, and scowls to the next hole if he has too many strokes. And don't even bother to attempt to show him something. Brian does it all the time and all he does is mumble 'I know' and storms off.

Pretty darn amusing.

I'm more than happy to listen to Brian's tips, even if I suck at this game. I just like being outside on the green without being screamed at by a million girls. It's nice to just walk around and take in the air. Today, we're playing near the ocean and when I lift my head to gauge my shot, the water is in the distance and it's almost distracting. I feel like I haven't been outside in weeks and the sun burning down on my face is medicinal; burning off the stress and tension.

"God damn it!" Kevin screams.

Okay, burns off the stress and tension for most people. I can't help but shake my head and chuckle at Kevin. He's definitely part of why I enjoy this game so much. Not that I'll tell him that. Doubt he'd take kindly to being my Golf Jester.

Out of anyone, I should be the one that's in a crappy mood. I'm the one out here pretending not to have a hangover. A group of us went out to the clubs last night and I think the sun was coming up when I came home. It feels like I blinked and the phone the ringing with Brian telling me he was picking me up in half an hour. I tried to back out, but before I could, I was reminded that I had backed out three times already.

"See your future…be your future…ma-ma-make your future…" Brian mumbles the lines from Caddyshack beneath his breath as Kevin lines up another shot. He takes a swing and Brian compliments his form but Kevin watches his ball bounce across the grass and he mutters a few choice words and shoves his club into his bag.

Brian looks over to me and grins. There's another quote coming. "Don't be obsessed with your desires, Kevin... The Zen philosopher Basho once wrote, a flute without holes is not a flute and a doughnut without a hole is a danish, funny guy..nananananana, datta data datta…"

All I can do is stifle a giggle. "That was kind of amazing, sir." I continue the sketch from Caddyshack.

Brian nods to me. "Thank you very little," he finishes, cracking me up. All Kevin does is reluctantly grumble.

"That's the last one…lunch?" Brian suggests cheerfully.

"Yeah, winner buys," Kevin grumbles before heading back to the cart, shaking his head. I think he's going over the shot in his head and making mental notes of his mistakes. I just can't take it that seriously. To prove that, Brian and I finish quoting Caddyshack as we head to our carts.

I put my arm around Brian's shoulder and start the next sketch. "I have a more important job for you. I want you to kill all the gophers on the course"

"Check me if I'm wrong, but If I kill all the golfers, they're gonna lock me up and throw away the keys," Brian mimics in a silly voice.

Kevin calls over his shoulder to us, finally smiling. "Gophers, not golfers, you geek!"

Brian calls over to him as I climb into my cart. "Oh, we can kill as many of those as we want. We don't even need to have a reason"

"Well do it, man!" Kevin says, lifting a fist in the air as he leads the way to the clubhouse.

When you think about this game, all you're doing is chasing a little ball across the grass trying to get it into a little hole. I guess I never really got the whole concept of sports to take it so seriously in the first place. I mean, when you put it down into the simplest of terms, all you're really doing is chasing some kind of ball around. What'd the ball ever do to you?

Brian chuckles at me, and Kevin gives me a stare in disbelief when I mention my thought at our table. "That's so not the point," he says. He orders three beers from the waitress and winks at her.

"You're hanging out with Howard too much, dude," I tease. "What's with the wink?"

"What wink?" he asks, watching the waitress weave through the dining room.

Brian and I pass another look to each other. "Yeah…" I tease. "You wear green so you can hide…" I start, but Kevin gives me a look. "Okay, no more Caddyshack."

"There is nothin' wrong with a little innocent flirting with a pretty girl. I'm just being friendly," Kevin defends more assertively.

Sheesh! We're just teasing!

"Chill, Kev," Brian says with a shove and a grin.

"I'm sick of being accused of doing something just by giving someone a look," Kevin grumbles, sitting back in his chair with a sigh.

Brian leans forward slightly and folds his arms on the table. "We're just joshing with ya, Kev." Kevin nods and shakes his head with a muttered 'yeah, I know.' "Trouble in paradise? It's been a few weeks…"

"No, there's no trouble in paradise," he snaps. "Just because I'm looking at a pretty woman doesn't mean anything is wrong. Dang." He shoves his silverware aside and shakes his head.

"So, you're a moody bastard because everything is right?" I ask, tossing a sugar packet at him. "Cause you got a funny way of showing it if that's the case, dawg."

"He's just a sore loser, ain't that right, Kev?" Brian says with a slap to his shoulder. "Dude, you should have seen him when he lost a football game. Days, man…days he'd be all pissy an' shit."

Our drinks arrive and I take one long sip. When I put the glass down, Kevin's giving me a look. He is in a mood. "Kev, man, game over, dude."

"Think maybe you can chill out?" he asks with one of those subtle lifts of his eyebrows.

I glance to Brian and he's giving me some concerned look too. "Chill out?" What the hell is he going on about? He looks to his drink, Brian's drink and then mine. Mine is half empty, theirs are still mostly full. "What? I'm thirsty." I lift my glass and finish it off to make a point.

"You're thirsty a lot," Kevin tells me plainly with a slow nod.

"Your point?" I ask dryly.

"We've just noticed that…well, you're drinking a lot lately, Aje," Brian interjects gently.

"No, not lately, we're just saying something about it now," Kevin corrects him and sits forward to lean on the table with his elbows. "We're starting to get concerned, AJ."

"So you bring me out to discuss my drinking over a drink?" I laugh. "That's a little twisted, isn't it?" Neither of them cracks a smile though and I'm starting to feel like this is all just a bit too serious. "Fellas, come on…"

"We're just sayin'," Brian says, feeling obviously uncomfortable too. "If there's something going on you can talk to us, you know?"

I laugh, attempting to show there's nothing to worry about, but they're not returning the smile. Hell, so I drink a little. I've never been into sports, or anything like they were. This is how I blow off some steam. This is what I do to relax. They don't have to approve. The waitress comes back with our lunches and I order a pop as I look at them. "Y'all are worrying about nothing, okay?" Y'all don't know what the hell you're worrying about, so leave it alone.

"Look, Aje," Kevin says, and his voice becomes that gentle, calm tone he uses when he's trying to smooth things over, "all we're sayin' is that we've noticed you're a little on edge lately and we're here if you want to talk about anything. That's all."

"On edge?" I snort. "Who was the one throwing golf clubs around?"

"Who was the one that didn't come back until six this morning? Again?" Brian asks in the same tone Kevin's using. Man, they're starting to freak me out.

I sit back and cross my arms, leaving my food untouched. "Who put you up to this? Amanda, or my mom?"

"Don't you think it might be something to think about if more than one person has mentioned it?" Kevin asks. None of us have touched our food I notice when I can't look either of them in the eye. "We're just saying…"

"I know what you're saying," I interrupt quickly, feeling the anger in the back of my throat. "I don't need to talk to anyone. Shit, guys, with everything that's been happening, you really have to sit there and ask what's been bothering me? What's been bothering any of us? You all handle things in your way, let me handle things my way and we'll just let this topic drop, okay?"

At least that's shut them up. They start picking at the food in front of them, clearing their throats and not looking at anything else. Now it's uncomfortable, and the few bites I take seem to get lodged in my throat no matter how much I chew.

"Well," Brian says, lowering his burger, "I made reservations to go back home…to do that song with my high school." Kevin makes some kind of grunting noise as he chews and nods. "Yeah, they're really excited about it too. Might open it up to the alumni."

Brian's off on what he wants to do with Perfect Fan, and how he plans of recording it. Kevin says he's considered going back to Kentucky with him, but decided to see Kristin instead. Okay, I can breathe again. That cloud of awkwardness has blown over and we can go back to teasing Kevin about bein' sweet on Kristin again…this week.

April 1999

Kevin

"Dang, it doesn't even look like Nicky, dawg!" I laugh watching the VCR. All of us are in Jive's offices looking at the new cut of the video. "Dude! You grew up!"

"Dude, it shouldn't be such a shock! You were there, dawg!" he laughs with his arms stretched out over the table.

"We look really tall," Howie chuckles as we walk through the airport on screen.

"Only on film, Howster. You're still short," I laugh.

I get a bored look before he continues. "Nicky finally grew into his mouth and ears!"

"And feet," Brian adds. "And Kev, man…you're dancing!"

"What about my dancing?"

He flails his arms around and rocks back and forth. "Rhythm? Ever hear of it?"

"We weren't choreographed here, dawg!" I defend myself. "We were freestylin'. You want to talk about stylin'? Bri, man, any reason for having to act out all the words? You think giving the Boy Scout Word of Honor gesture they'll believe you any better?" That cracks 'em up.

"Yeah," Howie says out of the corner of his mouth to Nicky, "and Kevin shaking his hands and patting his heart is stylin?"

"Dude…let's not talk about my style! Can you do something other than step forward one step and back one step with your arms open?" I challenge with a laugh.

"He's not doing the Salsa," Brian interjects with a giggle.

"Would the Backstreet Boys please go to the lost and found to pick up your moves?" AJ says through cupped hands.

"Hey! I got moves!" Howie stands up and shakes his butt in laughter before Nick pulls him back into his seat. "Kev doesn't have any, though! Doin' the White Boy Dance over there!"

"Yeah, dude, you suck at freestyle," AJ teases.

"For someone who's professionally trained…" Nick tags on with a smirk.

"What is this? Pick on Kevin day?" I ask, looking around the table.

"Can't be pick on Nick day," AJ answers. "He's big enough to hurt me now."

I slap his arm with the back of my hand. "And I'm not?"

"I'm used to you," he says with a shrug. "I know when to duck." He looks to the screen and his eyes bug. "Man, there's two Kevin's in the group!" We look over and there's my image super-imposed; one half turned, one facing the camera.

"Like one isn't enough?" Nick cackles.

"And then along comes Mr. Perfection," Howie interrupts as AJ takes the screen. "Dude, you're workin' it."

AJ lifts an eyebrow and smirks proudly. "When you got it, you work it, babe. What can I say?" Then he bursts into laughter. "But, dude, my tats look frikkin' cool! I be stylin'!"

Over all, I have to admit, this video is looking pretty dang slick; a lot better than I thought it was going to, anyway. The editing did a great job blending in the group shots with the individual shots to form other group shots, and then the way they mastered the white scenes with the black and blue outfits are seamless. I'm really impressed, in spite of all of us picking each other apart.

"One-two-protect-the-jewels," AJ says, doing the hand movements with the video sequence.

"Is it me, or does that look pretty dang geeky?" Nicky asks, tilting his head and squinting at the screen. "We do look like we're protecting the family jewels."

"Kick our asses, not the jewels!" AJ chirps playfully, still watching the screen. "Close up…close up…"

"Kev, man, that's a great shot!" Howie says as our faces flash across the screen one by one before I sing my line. It is a good shot, I have to admit, but all I do is nod placidly. I'll be damned if I agree at this point and I'm a little scared of what they did as I sing the line.

"Dude, it's the Kevin and AJ show," Nicky whines just before they close in on a headshot of me.

"Warning, nostril alert!" AJ bellows, but the camera pulls out just before I drop my head back and they focus in on Howie.

Then we're surrounded by the fans and we're off, talking at once about this one and that, looking for the red head that jumped on Howie's back and almost strangled him. Brian and Nick are talking about the cute blonde in the half shirt. AJ's talking about the brunette in the half shirt, trying to remember her name.

This was definitely the best part of the filming. They were so excited and patient, and no matter how many times we had to re-do a shot, they still held on to the energy and made us laugh. I don't have any idea anymore how late it was, or how much later we stayed signing things.

Once we headed back to the car that morning, all Kristin could do was shake her head with a smile and tell me there was a lot of love in that hanger. She wasn't wrong. There was and I was worried how it would look all spliced together. Like maybe we were trying to make ourselves look important or something, but I think they managed to get the real energy in the room in spite of the hundreds of takes it took to get all the angles.

As we walk onto the plane that mysteriously has our name on it in some shots, and not in others, I notice we're just nodding and smiling. It's official…we approve.

May 1999

AJ

I walk in just as Peter releases Kevin from one of his bear hugs. "How do you like that, eh?" he laughs, patting Kevin's arm. "Mr. Big Time Pop Star these days, huh?" I'm still amused by our reactions to that. None of us get it. We don't feel any different, but it's official, isn't it? We've hit the big time, even if we don't recognize it in ourselves. "I knew I should have listened better when Kris kept telling me you all would make it someday. Smart girl."

"Then what's she doin' with this guy?" I ask, stepping up to hug Peter. We've known Peter for ages. He worked with Kristin in that 'Beauty and the Beast' show at Disney ages ago before opening up this studio. It was Kevin's idea to do the rehearsals here; 'taking care of the one's that took care of us on our way up.'

"Love is blind, my man," Peter laughs, giving me a warm hug and attempting to muss what's left of my hair. It's pretty much shaved and blond this time around.

"Deaf, blind, and stupid," I finish with a light-hearted smack towards Kevin.

"Yeah, like your barber," Kevin answers, hooking an elbow around my neck.

"Ah, nothing ever changes," Peter laughs with a shake of his head. "Still a punk."

"He'll never change." I shrug, nodding towards Kevin with a grin and cracking them up.

"I have you booked in Studio 3 & 4," Peter says, leading us down the hallway.

Kevin looks around, peeking his head into some of the other studios and nods proudly. "Looks good, Pete."

"Should," he laughs, opening the door to our studio, "for the amount it took to clean the place up." He looks back at us and smiles. "It's good to see you guys back home."

"Good to be home," I say. We've been in Orlando a few days now and I've spent most of them hanging out with some old buddies I knew from school. That's when I really knew things had changed. They're talking about work or college, girlfriends, hanging out…and in the back of my head, I'm thinking tour rehearsals, interview arrangements, wardrobe and fittings, scheduling, routing. Not one single thing in common with their lives. Sam, one of my oldest friends, complained the whole night about having to work two hours overtime and it was all I could do not to laugh at him. An eight hour day is positively short in my world! A ten hour day? I'd kill for a ten hour day! But if I say I do fourteen hours they look at me and scoff. 'Dancing and singing, Alex? Sure, hard work!' And you know what? It's too much work to explain it when no one believes it anyway. I just buy a round of drinks and let them go. As Brian said, 'take the higher road.'

I try, but that doesn't mean that I didn't invite them to watch for a day. They were star struck, sort of. I guess it's cool to know me these days. So, if it's cool to know me, it's probably cool to hang with my boys, right? And this way, they'll see that 'singing and dancing' is a lot more work than they think it is.

Today, it's just gonna be us and Swoop going through the updated steps. We're scheduled in here for about six hours, and after dinner, we're coming back to practice with the band for another four hours. Scheduled…that doesn't mean we won't be here for seven hours and with the band for another six…the word scheduled doesn't mean crap at this point.

And to be honest with you? It's probably one of the most exciting times in our careers. This is when the goal is clearly set, when we can actually see what we're working for and we're all actually on the same page.

~

And here's a shock, six hours later I'm wiping the sweat off my forehead with a towel, still standing in the middle of the studio watching our images in the mirror as Swoop calls out the timing and steps. 'All I Have to Give' shouldn't be this much work, but we're re-doing 70% of the old steps and we keep falling back onto the steps we already know by heart. We…well, okay Howie, Brian and Nicky. Kevin and I have the moves down, now all we need to do is look like it's second nature and not like we're counting.

"Alright, I want it one by one," Swoop says, waving his hand for Howie to move forward. "The rest of you…take a few minutes."

I head into the waiting room, set up for visitors to watch and see Amanda, Sam and Tony sitting and watching. "So?"

Amanda kisses me warmly and wraps her arms around my waist. "It's looking good, baby!"

"Is this normal?" Sam asks, watching Howie and Swoop. "Like, the same thing, over and over like this?"

All I do is nod and smile, catching Howie finally getting the right step. "It's a 90 minute show, Sam, in front of thousands. It's gotta be right."

"And once they have it all put together," Amanda says with a kiss and a smile, "it'll blow everyone away. It looks so great with the dancers and the lights."

"Adding in the smoke and mirrors, you mean," Tony says. "Dude…you don't think this is a waste of time?" He motions to the studio. "All they go for is to scream at you. Like they listen or care if you miss a step?"

"We care," I snap at him, holding onto Amanda's waist. "The kids that spend all that money should get a show that's perfect. If they want to stand there and scream, I'm gonna make sure I give them something to scream about."


Kevin

I wake up to the sound of the shower and all I can think is to join her. There isn't going to be much time to be with her today otherwise. I slip in behind the shower curtain as she's rinsing her hair and press against her, kissing her throat as she laughs. "I hope that's you, Kevin."

"Are you expecting someone else to join you in the shower?" I ask between kisses as she slides her hands down my back and grabs my ass tightly.

"No, but my Kevin would never be awake before his alarm," she giggles, kissing my neck and shoulder before finding my mouth.

"Maybe your Kevin is learning how to get his priorities straight," I answer, sliding my hands through her wet hair. "Sleep…or naked girlfriend…doesn't seem like much of a decision to me."

"Sex deprived," she giggles.

"Doesn't hurt," I answer, pulling back to look at her. "Or the fact that you're beautiful." She kisses me with a gentle smile, and I can feel every part of my body relax and wake up at once. I missed her, holding her, touching her, looking at her, kissing her.

"Well, what're you going to do about it?"

I push the shower curtain open, bend over and pick her up, dropping her down on the bed and ravish every inch of her between kisses and laughter. As we lie together, the phone rings and I answer with a laugh. "He's awake!" she calls from beneath me.

"Yeah, that's Kris," I tell Brian. "We'll be down in a few."

"Who else would it be?" Kris asks when I hang up.

I drop onto the mattress and pull her next to me, kissing the tip of her nose and holding her close. "I don't know. Who do you think?" She blinks at me, watching my face for a long time. "Kris?" I can feel my smile fading slightly. "Do you think it would be someone else?"

She shakes her head and closes her eyes briefly. "I try not to ask that question too often, Kevin."

"Kris, you're the only girl for me. Always have been." She opens her mouth, but I put a finger over her lips. "I know, it took me long enough to figure that out, but I have." She bites her lips together, watching me intently. "I have, Kris. And I'm working on making you know that. All you have to do is marry me."

That makes her pull away and sit up, shaking her head. "We haven't even had coffee yet, Kevin. Please don't start that." She makes her way back into the bathroom and tests the water still flowing before getting back in the shower.

"Start what?" I ask following her.

"You're going to be late." She sticks her head out from the curtain to tell me. "Let's just get ready and go have breakfast."

"Why won't you marry me?" I ask.

"Coffee first, Kevin," she says over the water.

"All your doubts could end today if you agree to marry me, Kristin. I can swear to you there would be no one else."

"I want you to swear to me there's no one else before then, Kevin. How can I marry you if you're still considering other women?"

"I'm asking you to marry me, Kris. Not someone else. But you keep telling me no. If you keep telling me no, maybe someone else might say yes."

She sticks her head back out to blink at me. "It's the one's that say yes to you that I'm concerned about. Not many said no. Maybe if I keep saying no, I'm just increasing my chances of you really meaning it someday."

I've been asking her to marry me for months now, but she won't answer me. Her argument is that there's been too many others. My argument is if we're married, I won't need to look to others. She's right though, we haven't had coffee and all we'll do is go around in circles for the rest of the morning. "Fine. Whatever."

She tilts her head at me and sighs. "We only have three days, Kevin. Let's enjoy ourselves."

~

"…just tired of being shot down, that's all," I tell Brian later on as we head to the studio. LeighAnne and Kristin decided to do some shopping for the morning and join us later. Something is strange about that. Kris doesn't usually like to be alone with LeighAnne for some reason, so I'm wondering if she doesn't want to be around me after our brief pre-coffee discussion.

"Well," Brian says, looking out the car window and waving to the fans as we pull into the parking lot, "maybe you should show her you're serious. Have you talked to her family? Let them know your intentions?"

I want to laugh at him, but part of me wonders if he's right. Maybe too much has happened between us and they don't trust me. Maybe they're persuading her to back off a bit still? I'm pretty sure her friends don't hold me in the highest regards either after all the cheating we've done.

"I want to be more sure she'll say yes," I say, parking in a spot and turning the radio down before taking the keys out of the ignition. "I don't know… It's complicated."

Now he looks at me and shakes his head. "And you wonder why she won't say yes?" He gets out of the car and I stare at the closed door a minute, totally confused. What does he mean by that? I ask him when I catch up to him. "It's complicated?" he laughs as we stop to sign a few autographs. We're getting better at having conversations amid all the fan-fuss. Otherwise, I wonder if we'd ever finish a conversation. "It shouldn't be complicated, Kev. That's the whole idea."

"But it is," I answer, pausing to smile for a picture. "There's a lot that happened."

"Well, then, now's not the time," he says with a shrug and we head inside. "When it's not complicated is when you know, don't you think?"

"But I'm not making it complicated!" I argue. "She is! I'm trying to un-complicate things by asking her to marry me!"

"Who?" Howie asks, looking up from the newspaper in front of him. I exhale heavily and blink at him. "Kristin?"

He doesn't need to look so shocked by the concept. "Yes, Kristin! Who else?"

Howie shrugs and looks at Brian. "I don't know. Didn't think you were that serious."

"Well, why else would we still be together after seven years if we weren't serious?"

"I don't know," he says quickly. "But you have to admit, you weren't that serious for a long time."

"I changed my mind, all right?" They're really not helping me out, here. "Ain't a guy allowed to change his mind?"

Brian and Howie chuckle with each other. "That's the problem," Howie says, putting a hand on my shoulder, "you always change your mind."

June 1999

AJ

I'm at Andre's little apartment, overlooking a canal, having a cup of tea. It's all so civilized until I hear the little needle and close my eyes as he starts inking my back. This one is going to be massive, but hell, I'm celebrating! We're still holding number one on the Billboard Album Charts. It's been like, a month, too! This tattoo is gonna me my 'they like me, they really like me' tat!

"You're okay?" Andre asks and I nod. "You gotta breathe."

"I thought I was," I chuckle, waiting to start feeling numb, or at least the adrenaline rush.

"Well, you haven't passed out yet, that's a good sign," he laughs, starting again.

"No shit," I snort. "I can't pass out. Don't have the time." I barely have time for this. I had to talk myself out of one of Kevin's little excursions as is. Defiling my body, or looking at a windmill…gee, that decision was tough! He can tip toe through the tulips with Kristin.

"Busy schedule?" Andre questions. I think he's trying to keep me talking to keep my mind off the pain of this.

"We leave for Germany after the show tonight, then we're off to England for some dates, then we're back to Germany, stop off in Switzerland, and head over to Italy…this month."

Andre whistles low and I think he's shaking his head. "Yeah, you have a busy schedule, I'd say. Having fun?"

"When I have time to think about it, I am."

"Not much time to think about it?"

Not usually, no. "Well, we don't get much time for anything, really. There's always an interview, media, meeting someone, radio show, sound check, meet and greets… I guess I think about it when I'm on stage sort of."

"On stage?"

"Well, when I'm on stage, it's the only place where I don't really have to think a lot. It's all in place there, and I can see why I'm doing it all, all those people, you know?"

"No," he answers plainly. "I have fright of the stage."

I try not to laugh. Hell, he speaks better English than I do. "You mean stage fright?"

"Stage fright, yes."

I attempt to look over my shoulder at him and smile. "I have news for you, Andre. So do I."

That usually amazes people when I tell them. But I do. I get nervous about everything if I let myself think about it. That's how AJ came about. Pretend it's not me up there. I started out pretending it was a puppet. But when I didn't have the puppet anymore, there had to be someone else - someone with charm, and character, and charisma. AJ's brimming with character and personality.

Put Alex on that stage and I doubt you'd hear a note.

Ah, but, no one's seen Alex for a few years anyway, so what's the difference, right?

September 1999

Kevin

Never a dull moment, is there? A few months of smooth sailing, and then…crash and burn. I'm sitting in another beige hotel room, looking at the tired, weary faces of the fellas blinking back at me. Howie's joined Brian at the table, as Nick and AJ sit on the white bedspread across from me - none of us are here with any real energy. It's been a really long day, and now we're just pissed off and if any of this happened before the tour, we might have said 'fuck it all.'

AJ lifts his hand a bit and sighs. "Can we just get to the bottom of this?"

"We sue to get out of the contract due to conflict of interest," Howie says, and gets greeted with groans and rolling eyes.

"Sue? Again?" Nick questions, dropping back on the bed and putting his feet up on his backpack.

"Question is, how quick can we do it?" I ask

"Now, Kev, slow down…" Brian starts.

"Slow down?" I ask. An hour ago he was ready to "take the penalty" and shop around.

"We should slow down. We don't want to do anything hasty because they're going to want to renegotiate, and we can make it work out in our favor," he says patiently, looking directly at me.

"Yeah, it works in our favor if they drop them…" AJ starts.

"That won't happen, AJ," Brian says with a shake of his head. "But they can renegotiate the terms of the contract."

"What's the point?" Nick asks. "With both of us on the same label? There's no point."

"We make them promise that we get, I don't know, first priority?" Brian suggests. "First shot at promotions…choice of music, musicians…"

"We get that already," Howie mumbles.

That's our healthy ego speaking. We've been dissin' *NSync for a few months already, pretty much since Lou signed them on. Don't get me wrong, they're nice guys, but at least at some point with Lou, we did have seniority and got the better material. They made it work in spite of the ballads, though…which proves their talent, but that doesn't mean we want to play in the same sandbox with them.

"We can make this work," Brian insists again.

"How?" Howie asks pointedly. "We're not in Jive. We can't control what happens in their offices. How do we make sure that they work in our best interests over theirs if they have nothing to lose? I mean…it's all office politics, isn't it?"

Nick cracks a smile at him. "What the hell do you know about office politics?"

"Gimme a break, Nicky, you saw it with Trans Con. There's always some kind of deal being made, or something. It's networking and what one person can do for someone else to make them look good."

"I think Howard's using his Business Degree," AJ says with a wink.

"Office politics, or whatever, already exists. *NSync or not," Brian interjects.

"Yeah, but," I grumble, looking back to Brian, "with *NSync on the label, we're just going to be competing against each other for the same exact things, and Jive won't give a shit. It's a win-win situation for them no matter how they look at it."

"So, what's the difference then?" Nick asks, sitting back up and resetting his ball cap. "They get what they want and we…"

"Fight tooth and nail for everything we want," I finish. "We already have enough competition with other labels, we shouldn't have to have competition with our own."

"We should talk to a lawyer and see what they think," Howie suggests, leaning his weight onto his hands and leaning forward slightly. "Maybe there's some kind of…whatever…in place that won't let them do this."

"There is," I tell him. "It's called breach of contract - ours."

"Let's talk to a lawyer," Brian sighs, already tired of the whole situation. The rest of us are too, it seems, and we haven't even started.

"Maybe if we piss 'em off, they'll drop us and we won't have to do anything," AJ cracks, looking at each of us with that devilish grin of his. "Anyone need a vacation? We could blow off a few shows…" Nicky reaches back and lands a pillow into the back of his head with a laugh. "Hey, I'm just broadening our options!"

I wave my hand at him and shake my head. "Get outta my room!" I laugh. "All of you! Out! Out!"

December 1999

AJ

I turn the tape off and look over to Brian and Nick, waiting for their reaction. Nick's got a smile that is unmistakable. He likes it. Brian's looking a bit confused, but I don't think it's a bad look. I have a feeling there's going to be a lot of that reaction when I take this stuff on the road. You mean, a Backstreet Boy can get funky?

"Dude!" Nick laughs, slapping a hand against my leg. "Shit, dawg!"

"You sure you want to take that approach?" Brian asks.

Nick looks at him and shakes his head in disbelief. "What do you mean? That fucking rocks out!"

"I ain't saying it doesn't!" Brian answers, widening his eyes. "I'm just sayin'…it's a departure from what we're doing now."

"That's the idea," I say firmly. "I'm not going out there as AJ from Backstreet. It's Johnny No Name, a whole other animal."

"That's definitely what it is," he says with a nod, and I'm getting a little pissed off now.

"What's wrong with it?" I ask, turning to face him directly and tilt my head.

He shakes his head again, looking innocent. Brian's real good at looking innocent. "Nothing! Just not my thing, that's all. But it's good for what it is, I guess. I wouldn't know."

"Brian!" Nick grumbles, completely confused by the reaction. That makes me feel a little better. It's not just me then. "What the hell?" All Brian does is shrug with a mumbled apology and heads out of the room. I look at Nick and Nick just watches Brian leave with such a hurt expression on his face. He shakes his head as the door closes and he looks back at me. "What the hell happened to him?" he asks me, sounding confused.

All I do is shrug, knowing exactly what he means. They were inseparable at one point, but now, it seems like they don't have a word to say to each other. Brian sneaks off every spare moment to spend it with LeighAnne, who's a constant companion now. Nicky has Mandy, but he still hangs with us, even if it pisses her off sometimes. But Brian? "Maybe she is that good?" I suggest devilishly.

That at least gets him to crack a smile, but it's really something that bothers him. "So? It wasn't good before her?"

I lift an eyebrow in disbelief at him. "Dude, sex or chillin' with a bunch of smelly boys? You have to ask?"

He scoffs and rolls his eyes. Okay, no lightening the mood. "You know what I mean."

"I know," I agree with my own nod. In some ways, it was a lot more fun when we didn't all have a girlfriend. We'd hang out a lot more, talk more. But now that we all have someone that's pretty much always around, we don't hang out as much, or talk as much. Somewhere along the line, we started taking each other for granted, almost. We work together more than hang out as friends, all our differences seem a lot bigger than they used to be.

Chapter 1: 1993

Chapter 2: 1994

Chapter 3: 1995

Chapter 4: 1996

Chapter 5: 1997

Chapter 6: 1998