June 2001

Kevin

We’re losing him.  That’s all there is to it, isn’t there?  We’re just losing him and I don’t know how to reach in behind those glazed eyes and find out where he’s going in there.  Sure, things have been a little hectic, a little harder as we try to take hold of our lives again, but there’s more to this.  Instead of trying to figure it all out, he seems content to forget it, not care about it, and I don’t know when or why he decided that playing up the spotlight – that very image we’ve been fighting since we started – is the way to go.  He’s not like this!  He’s not the partier, the playboy, the ‘bad boy.’  Not with us anyway.  Or, should I say, never had been.  I don’t know this guy.  None of us know this guy, and quite honestly, I don’t think any of us really want to get that close to get to know him.

Tonight he’s doing it again.  A group of people no one really knows, hanging out and being best friends…and none of us have ever seen them before.  Hell, we don’t even remember Alex even mentioning their names, and yet tonight they’re his long lost best friends?  Who the hell are these people?

I keep looking over at Marcus, and let me tell you, Marcus has his eyes wide open.  Now, it’s one thing if we, the fellas I mean, don’t really know these folks, but if Marcus doesn’t?  They’re from the woodwork somewhere.  Marcus sees all, knows all, and can read Alex before Alex can read Alex.  This is wrong.  Just…wrong.

So, as I sit here, suddenly very aware of how much alcohol is in this room, I watch him; dancing, singing, goofing around.  This is “AJ” performing, and the problem with that is, “AJ” didn’t used to come off stage with us.  I admit there’s that adrenaline rush that’s kind of hard to get rid of, and all of us have been known to hang on to the ego we collect onstage, but by now, the rest of us have remembered who we are and are winding down for the night.  But he, somehow, seems to be gathering more attitude and ego, getting louder, laughing louder, talking louder, cursing louder…  “AJ’s” still performing for these people, and I’m concerned he’s going to keep performing.  He needs to come down now.

“Kevy-Kev, the Kevster!  The Kev-meister!”  He jumps, literally, into the seat next to me and throws an arm around my shoulder.    He does a peace sign with his fingers, lowers his sunglasses a bit, and before I know it, someone is taking a picture.  “Smile, dude!”  Part of me wants to see that one to see what kind of face I’m making.  I certainly wasn’t looking at any camera.  “Lighten up, Kev!  It’s a party.  You know…party?  A social situation where people gather to have a good time?  Fun?  Remember how to have fun?”  He shakes my shoulder and disappears, his arm around the photographer’s shoulder, laughing at some other joke he’s made.

I look over again at Marcus and I get the feeling I’m looking in a mirror when I see his expression.  We’re losing him…  But I think I’m more afraid of what we’re losing him to than anything else.

AJ

It can’t be after noon yet.  It can’t be.  I just closed my eyes for a minute, but the clock is blinking 2:30 and the sun is streaming in through the crack in the door leading to the suite.  It’s after noon.  What the fuck?

I roll over, attempting to figure out if I really did swallow a pillow, or if I just need some water when I hear what must have woken me up in the first place…a knock on the door.  What time did I get in?  Am I alone?  Do I have any explaining to do?  What’s the story I should give?  How much do they know?

“You’re up?”

Great…Kevin.  He’s sticking his head around the door and, damn him, turning on a light.  I groan and toss a pillow at him.  “Dude, kill the light, man.”

“We’ve got press in forty-five minutes,” he tells me, walking over to the window.

“Open those blinds and be prepared to find out what glass tastes like,” I grumble, pulling a pillow over my head.

“Your mom called,” he says, deciding I might be serious and stepping away from the drapes.  “Three times.  You need to call her, dawg.”

“I will,” I answer into the pillow.  It can’t be after noon…how can it be after noon?

The pillow is pulled out of my hands and Kevin’s mug is looking down at me.  “Today?  I’m getting a little sick of being your secretary when she can’t get you.”

“Imagine how I feel.”  Okay…  Not in the mood for joking.  “I’ll be sure to let her know.”

"Just call her,” he says with a nod, but he doesn’t leave.  Instead, he just sort of moves away from the bed and stands there, watching me.  This can’t be good, can it?  “You okay, Alex?”

I sort of look around without moving my head, and realize that’s kind of painful with a hangover.  “What brought that on?”

“Just asking…’cause you don’t seem to be…yourself lately.”

“Who else am I going to be, Kev?” I snicker thinking ‘lighten up, lighten up…’  But, of course, there is no lightening up.  This is Kevin, after all.  “I’m fine, Kev.”

“Who were those people last night?”

“What people?”  No, really…what people?  There were people last night?

“The one’s in the bar,” he says.  Dude, that’s not clarifying much.  “The one’s you were buying drinks for all night?”  Need a little more, Kev…keep talking.  “The new best friends from Tampa or Orlando or somewhere?”

“Oh!”  I push myself up a bit with a smile.  “Them?  Friends from home that came out for the show.  You met them before.”

“No, I didn’t.  No one did.”

“Really?  That’s funny.  I’ve known them forever.  We went to school together.”  He gives me a look, and I can’t figure out what it means.  Could he have figured out already that I wasn’t in school all that much to make friends?

“Al?  Really…are you okay?” 

Don’t look at me like that Kevin.  Don’t look all dark and serious.  I’m tired.  I’m hung over and I don’t have enough brain cells awake enough yet to talk to anyone, much less talk about my state of being.  “I’m fine.  Sorry if we got out of hand.”

He just shakes his head, looking dejected and sad.  “No…it’s not that…just…”  He looks towards the door before looking back at me.  “Forty-five minutes, okay?”

“Be there with bells, dawg.”  Frickin’ alarm bells, but who’s noticing?

Kevin

It can’t be morning yet.  It just can’t be!  I swear to God we just got here!  Rolling over, I glance at the clock and it brightly tells me it’s 6:15 through the darkness of the room, closed off with heavy drapes.  Four hours…that’s a luxury.  In another two, we’ll be harmonizing for some morning show where ever the hell it is we are today.  It just amazes me what we put ourselves through sometimes.  And here I thought it was insane all those years ago.

After a quick, cold, shower, I dress and head out into the hallway, hearing life behind the other doors as I make my way down the hallway.  The elevator door opens and standing in front of me is AJ, grinning like an idiot.  “Dude!  Whassup, whassup?”  He steps out and slaps my shoulder cheerfully.  “Man, ya gotta be careful down there, it’s fucking crawling with teenies and mommies.”

“I see you managed to make it through,” I say carefully, looking at him curiously.  “When’d you get in?”

He looks at his watch and laughs.  “6:45.”

I grab hold of his arm as he attempts to walk past me.  “You’re just now getting in?  You know we have to leave in 15 minutes, right?”

He shrugs away from me and laughs.  “We don’t have to do anything, Kev.”

“Yes.  We do,” I tell him.  “We’re on the schedule.”  He shifts his weight to one foot and rolls his eyes before reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.  “And this is a no smoking area.” 

He lights up, looking directly at me.  “What’re they gonna do?  Kick me out?” he says doubtfully, lifting an eyebrow.

“Are you still drunk?”

“Possible,” he replies, sheer defiance in his expression but seconds later he busts into a laugh and points a finger at me.  “Gotcha!”

“AJ,” I sigh, way too exhausted for games like this today.

“Dude, no, really,” he says with a smile, “I’ll be down in a second.” 

For some reason, I’m doubting that.  If I don’t stay with him, I know he’s going to drop onto his bed, fall asleep, and we won’t see him until the show tonight.  I’m not gonna let that happen again.  “I’ll wait,” I say as casually as possible and take a step back down the hallway towards his room.  He doesn’t move, though and looks confused.  “What?  You don’t want to change?  Shower?”

“Ah,” he hesitates, looking oddly nervous.  In another second, he flashes a grin at me.  “I don’t need help, dawg.  I’ll meet you down there.”

“I’m in no rush.  None of the other fellas are down there yet.  I’ll keep you company,” I tell him, still trying to sound as casual as possible.  It’s not working.  Neither of us believe me.

“I said I’d meet you down there, Kev, and I will,” he barks suddenly.  “Back off.”

“I don’t know what you’re getting all out of joint about, Aje,” I say, keeping calm.  “I’m just sayin’…”

“Well, fuck off, Kevin,” he spats, pulling his sunglasses off and glaring at me.  “I know what you’re doing.”

“Well, then?”  If he knows, let’s not dance around it.  “You know I’m not going anywhere without you, so get over it.  Do you want to go back to the room, or are you ready to go like you are now?  They have wardrobe at the station.”

He sighs, pacing in front of me in small circles and twirling his sunglasses by the arm briefly.  “It’s too fuckin’ early for this shit, Kev,” he mumbles, his entire demeanor deflating.

“We’ll get you some coffee, some sugar type breakfast,” I suggest, “it’ll be fine.”

He looks around the hallway, then over his shoulder.  Like someone snuck up behind us without us noticing?  It’s dead silent in the hallway, we’d hear their footsteps!  “Look,” he says, lowering his voice confidentially and leaning closer, patting his pocket, “I’ve got something that’s sure to work.”  I can feel my heart race with just that much, but he goes on to show me the baggie in the inside pocket of his jacket and my heart sinks.  He’s just confirmed the worst.  Drinking was bad enough, but now we’re getting into really dangerous territory, and it scares the shit out of me.  “I’ll share.  You won’t have to worry about yawning through the interview,” he coaxes, that smooth as silk grin spreading across his face.

“I’ll pass,” I tell him, keeping my tone dead and flat. 

“So, look, now you know I’m not going to bed.”  He pulls back from me, still grinning.  “Do you still want to be my buddy and walk in a single file down to the cafeteria?”

“I’ll give you ten minutes,” I mumble, turning away from him and pressing the down button of the elevator.

“That’s all I need,” he chirps and bounces down the hallway towards his room.  He’s gone just as the elevator doors open and I mechanically get in, looking at the emptiness of the hallway in front of me as the doors close again.  I refuse to cry.

July 2001

Kevin

“God damn it, AJ, open the fucking, God damn door!” I scream, pounding my fist into the door in complete disregard to the pain.  “Get your sorry fucking ass out of that bed and open this door right now!”  Now I’m pounding and kicking and probably scaring the rest of the floor.  I can hear doors slowly opening, but no one seems to be attempting to stop me.  “Alex!”  Finally I kick the door hard enough to break it open and I storm into the suite.  Empty bottles are scattered around, over flowing ashtrays, furniture pushed aside…it’s a mess.  He’s no where to be found and I storm across the room to the bedroom suite, trying the door and not the slightest bit surprised it’s locked.  “You ain’t asleep, baby…you’d better get your ass up and open this fucking door!” I bellow, starting to pound on this door now, continually jiggling the handle.  “Alex, you fucking God damn screw up, you’re not going to do this today!  Do you hear me?  Don’t fucking blow this off!” I warn, but there is no reply.  “Alex!”  I pound again.

I know I’m losing control.  I know I’m totally losing my ever lovin’ mind and freaking out, but this is it.  I’ve had it.  I’m done.  “You God damn son of a bitch!”  I slam my fist into his door.  “Know what, AJ?  I’m fucking done you low-life, drug addicted, screw up!  Do you hear me?  I’m done!”  I kick the door again, but this time, it’s not to get in.  It’s just because I’m pissed off.  I place both hands up on the door, bracing myself against it, staring it down as if I can see him on the other side.  “This is it, Alex!  No more!  And I hope you’re listening to me so I don’t have to say this again, but if I do, trust me, baby, I will!  It’s over Alex!  I’m finished!  Don’t come near me!  Don’t ask me for anything, don’t talk to me, don’t even fucking look in my direction because I’m done!  You’re nothing but a selfish, scheming, worthless, low-life, piece of shit!  You can’t be trusted!  You’re unreliable!  You don’t even deserve to be part of this group anymore!  You bring everyone down around you and I’m not gonna be a part of it anymore!  I’m going to do everything humanly possible in my power to make sure you’re out!  I’m sick of you!  Sick of the lies, and games, and bullshit and I’m not gonna let you make me a part of it!  You’re dead to me, AJ!  Can you hear me?  Can you?  I don’t care anymore whether you live or die!  You’re already dead to me!”  With one last kick to the door, I turn and slam my hand against the wall, adrenaline pumping, heart pounding, teeth clenching.  “It’s over and I just don’t give a shit about you anymore!”

AJ

He can pound at the door all he wants.  He can scream and get pissed off all he wants.  I want to scream to drown him out, but I know Kevin’d be louder right now.  Louder and beyond pissed, moralizing at me, telling me how selfish I am, how I make him sick.  I want to scream ‘you don’t get it!’ over him, to drown him out. 

‘You don’t get how fucking tired I am of being tired!  You don’t get to hear what I tell myself day in and day out.  You don’t get to lay in bed every night telling yourself what you should have done, how you should have handled it, what you should do tomorrow – knowing full well that it doesn’t matter because tomorrow, it’s all out the window anyway because there’s just no point in trying to fight every Goddamned step of the way to get nowhere.  You don’t get how it’s possible to sleep all day and wake up late, still feeling like you’ve been up all night watching a train wreck on the verge of happening.  How you can sleep through wake up calls and alarms and roll over and not find a reason why you should be getting up anyway because all you’re going to do is screw something else up.  You’re going to get angry, disapproving looks because you’re somehow doing everything humanly possible to do what you need to do and still not do a damn thing or get a damn thing accomplished.   Having to argue and fight every step of the way not only with everyone around you, but your own head as well.  Only you’re polite with everyone that’s around you because you don’t want them knowing you can’t handle it and thinking that you’re just looking for pity or weak.  Dependant on anyone but yourself.  You don’t want to have to be courteous.  You don’t want to be polite.  You want to turn around and slam your fist into the person behind you snapping their gum – but don’t do it because you have to be the bigger person, and if you did, YOU would be the one that would end up in court defending yourself.  You don’t want to scream at everyone around you asking them if you’re the only person with common sense left in the world?  Are you the only one that sees how fucking screwed up everything is?  And why are you the only person that gets to be blamed for it, take responsibility for it, own it and fix it when you didn’t fuck it up in the first place?  How it is that the older I get the more I feel like that stupid, pathetic thirteen year old kid with zits and dorky clothes, with no friends, knowing no one, standing at the wrong bus stop?  And what I don’t understand is, how that kid got over it at some point, and how the hell did I end up back there?  And I know I don’t have the energy to go through it again, even if I knew how I did it in the first place!  Or maybe I never did and I’m just catching on.  Maybe I never got anything right and it was all a lie.  Maybe I should just give up and stay inside and not bother to do the right thing.  No one else around me seems to care if they do.  They’re only interested in making sure I get the blame.  And I didn’t want to do it in the first place. I’m tired, Kevin.  I’m tired of having to be the one that takes care of everything.  I don’t want to take care of anything anymore.  I don’t want to be bothered.  I don’t want to be the only person making this whole thing work, pretending to be happy, polite, pleased to be here, not to eat so much, not to drink so much, get rid of those zits, you’re ugly, you’re stupid, you’re useless, you don’t know what you’re doing, and all you do is get in deeper.  Who told you that you could handle any of this?  Aren’t they all saying ‘I told you so?’  Isn’t everyone else around you managing to do it all better, faster, longer, stronger than you?  What’s wrong with you that you can’t figure out the password?  The secret code?  You’re ugly and your momma dresses you funny!  Figure it out!  Get over it!  Give up, already!  Why the fuck bother?  It’s not going to matter by the time you go to bed because you’re only going to lay there and think about all the things you should have done better, could have done better, didn’t do, won’t do and when the alarm goes off in another three hours, that train wreck is still coming at you.  Man, you suck – man, you suck – man you suck – choo-choo!

So, he can stand out there and scream all he wants.  He doesn’t get it.  He’ll never get it.  He went to the right bus stop, in the right clothes, had the right friends and did all the right things.  How could he ever possibly get it?

But now he’s gone, and it’s just the sound of the air conditioner and the noise inside my head.  This didn’t happen…it couldn’t have.  I strain to hear noise outside the door.  He didn’t leave.  Not like that.  He’s waiting outside for me.  He’s waiting to ambush me as soon as I open the door.  Right?  I listen harder, but there’s nothing.  No sound.  No noise.  He left.

Well, fuck him too, then!  I’ve had it.  I quit!  Do it without me, you Bastard!  Let’s see how far you get!

~

Poor guy looks like he pushed me right off the cliff on purpose, and that’s saying something for Kevin seeing as he usually never feels guilty.  Everyone else has said their good-bye and he’s the last one, looking down to the tips of his shoes and back to me through long strands of his hair.  I don’t really want to talk to him.  I know I shouldn’t be pissed at him.  He was only telling me the truth, blunt as it was, but the truth nonetheless.  But right now, it’s easier to be pissed at him for making me do this, even if I have to.  And I know I have to.

“I’m…” he stammers, looking up to me again and there’s tears in his eyes.  Fuck!  Don’t, Kevin!  “I’m...”

“You’re what?” I ask quickly, looking to my suitcase to make sure they packed everything I need.

“Alex…” he starts again, sticking his hands in the back pockets of his shorts, “I didn’t want to…”

“What?”  I look directly at him, hoping to drive home the guilt.  “Be the one to tell me I’m fucking up?”  The blood seems to drain from his face and I have to turn away, closing the flight case and fucking around with the zipper.  “Congrats, dawg.  You really drew the short straw this time, didn’t you?”

“I wish I said it differently,” he says, not taking my bait and still managing to be nice. 

I wish you didn’t say it at all.  “Whatever, Kev.”

“We’re here for you, Aje.  Every step of the way.”

“Yeah,” I say, feeling tears in my eyes.  It happens every time I realize what it is that I’m doing.  I’m going to re-hab.  I’m a statistic.  I’m the ‘bad boy’ of the group.  I’m the fuck-up and the media is going to be a nightmare for them to deal with.  Rescheduling shows…all the money we’re going to bleed because of me. 

“I swear, Alex, every step of the way, whatever you need.”

A new head?  Preferably not shrunken, but that’s exactly where I’m off to, isn’t it?  “I know.  Thanks.”

“Do you want me to do anything?  Call anyone?”

“It’s taken care of,” I mumble, looking at the closed bag at the foot of the un-made bed.  Now what?  I can’t look at him.  “Thanks, though.”

“Alex?”  He’s not going to speak until I look at him.  It’s in the tone of his voice.  “It’s going to be fine…better than fine.  It’s going to get worked out.”

I wish I could believe him.  I want to believe him, but that white elephant that’s taken up residence in front of me, the one we’ve always managed to work around, is waving to everyone now that they’ve acknowledged him.  Maybe I should name it now.  Lester…the seventh Backstreet Boy?  Maybe Lou can be moved to number seven seeing as Lester’s been around longer.  Maybe Lester can take my place?

Am I really standing here thinking about an imaginary elephant?

“There’s one thing you can do,” I say, forcing myself to look at him.  He looks at me expectantly.  “Watch out for Nicky.  He’s not taking all this too well.  Go easy on him for while?”

He nods, and I know he’s already figured that out, our ever-present older sibling, even if we don’t really want one.  I’m pissed at him, but this time Kevin’s right and he’s there taking the responsibility for being so.  Honestly, right now, it’s kind of comforting.  He’s been watching over us, trying to make sure we’re cared for when we needed it the most without ever making us feel small, or stupid.  Okay, well…usually he doesn’t, but Kevin takes whatever measure is necessary to get through to us when we need to be gotten through to, I guess.  “Okay.”  I nod back to him and pull the strap of my flight case onto my shoulder. 

Before I make half a step, he’s got me in a rib-crushing hug and neither one of us says another word. 

The hallway is silent, soaking up my footsteps in the thick carpet and I’m starting to wonder if any of this is really happening.  When I glance over my shoulder by the elevator, Kevin’s leaning in the doorway with his arms folded, his eyes on me, looking almost as if this is just as hard on him as it is on me.

Waiting in the silence, the only thing I allow my head to concentrate on is the song that’s been echoing there all morning.  “… sing for the years, sing for the laughter, singin’ for the tears…sing women, just for today, never tomorrow the good Lord may take it away…” 

That’s enough of that.  Maybe I should just not concentrate on anything for a while.

Kevin

This is really happening and I don’t think any of us have the energy or are even in the right frame of mind to be figuring anything out, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to leave the press purely up to management and lawyers.  It’s real.  It’s happened and we can’t brush it under the rug and make excuses.  We’ve never done that before, and we’re not going to do it now.

“We never claimed to be perfect!” I argue emphatically, again.  “We can’t go out there and pretend it’s something it’s not!”

“It’ll just bite us all in the ass at some point,” Brian agrees.  “We go out there and say it’s because of Nicky’s hand and they’ll all ask where AJ is.  A little obvious, don’t you think?”

“Just tell them he caught an early flight,” Francis says as if we were five.  “That’s not technically a lie.”

I’m going to reach right across the table and wrap my hands around her neck.  “I won’t do it,” I say with a shake of my head, instead.  “I won’t go out there and pass off a pack of lies to all those kids who are going to be disappointed!  They’re not stupid.  Stop pretending like they are!”

“Hell, how many people saw AJ already leaving?  You think that’s not on the internet by now?” Howie asks, also extremely defiant.  Maybe we’re acting like spoiled children, but right now, I think we’re all too exhausted and upset to even consider trying to pass off a pack of lies.  Poor Nicky’s sitting there holding his cast in his hand on the verge of tears still.  Hurt it playing basketball, but how many times has he thrown a basketball at someone’s head?  The guy lost his temper with AJ, too, and they went at it.  Probably part of why AJ went off on this particular bender too, for all we know.

“Look, guys, we know it’s important for you to go out there, but it’s going to be a media nightmare if you go out there and say he’s in rehab!  It’ll kill your numbers and quite honestly, they could be better,” David says, interrupting my thoughts.

“You’re not seriously going to go into our units at a time like this, are you?” Brian asks in disbelief.  When David opens his mouth, Brian just cuts him off with a “Jesus!” and flops back into his chair.  “I don’t care, David!  None of us care right now, okay?” 

“We’re just saying that from a media standpoint,” Francis starts, “to keep up the appearance…”

“The appearance is shot to hell,” Nick says.  “Would you look around this room?  Does it really look like any of us give a flying fuck about what ‘Teen’ magazine has to say?”

“You will in a couple of months when all this blows over,” David says.  “We’re looking out for your interests, guys.  I know it doesn’t sound like it, but really, this is what we’re doing.  There’s going to have to be some serious damage control if this gets out.”

“It’s going to,” I say firmly.  “Whether or not we tell them, or some asshole from the ‘Enquirer’ gets a picture of him in Arizona.  It’s going to get out there and it’ll be more damage control if that happens than if we just go out there and tell them the truth from the start.  They deserve to know the truth.”

“All those fans out there that look up to him?  Maybe do the same thing he’s doing because he’s done it?  We could help someone instead of continue to cover it all up.  None of us are going to be able to go out there and cover this up.  I’m with Kevin.  I won’t do it, either,” Brian says.

“You won’t necessarily have to go out there,” Francis says.  “We just send around a press release….”

“We’re not doing it,” Nick says with an authority I’ve never heard from him.

David sighs and falls back into his seat, giving each of us a long look.  “Well, what do you want to say?”

“The truth,” I answer.  “It’s time we told the truth and stopped all the cover up and excuses.  It’s the least they deserve and I’m not going to go out there and tell them anything different.”

Francis shuffles some papers, refusing to look at any of us.  “We have you booked on ‘TRL’ Monday, and we’re working on the ‘Today’ show for Tuesday morning.  Is that to your liking or do you want to make your own bookings now too?”

“Fuck you,” I mutter tiredly and push back my chair.  The door is only a few feet away and I need to get out of here before I kill someone.

“Guys?”  David says and I realize that the others have also stood up and moved away from the table.  “Look, we know this is difficult for you all, and if we seem a little…uncaring, don’t think it’s because we don’t.  We’re just trying to do our jobs, too.”

“’TRL’ and ‘Today’ sound fine,” Howie says with a short nod.  “Thanks.” 

~

I’m too exhausted to sleep.  It’s just too quiet on the floor and the only sound is inside my head.  Going over and over and over what I said, what I did…how it got to this.  I don’t even know if I’m upset or relieved, maybe both?  The crew and dancers have been let go for a month and the rest of us will go on to New York in a few hours to try and get some sleep before we have to let everyone know why we’re postponing the tour. None of us are sleeping, though.  I can hear voices in the hallway, doorways opening and closing intermittently.  We’re restless and scared and guilty.

I’m attempting to sleep, but not able to and I answer my cell phone on the first ring.  I don’t know who I was expecting to call, but I guess I wanted to talk to someone.  I wasn’t expecting that someone to be Denise.  “Kevin?  Were you asleep?”

“No, far from it, Denise.  How are you doing?  Do you need anything?”

“I was calling to ask you the same thing,” she tells me.  “And to say thank you for what you did today.  Are you holding up alright?”

Thank you?  I wasn’t expecting thank you. “We’re holding up, yeah,” I tell her, wiping a tear off my face.    “We’re going to be on ‘TRL’ tomorrow to let everyone know, ‘Today’ show on Tuesday.  We decided to go with the truth, just so you can be aware.”

“Good…I’m sick of the lies,” she says.  “But how are you?”

“Honestly?  I feel like a shit,” I say, feeling more tears escape.  I can’t do this yet.  I don’t have time to feel this yet.  I just want to get through the next few hours first. 

“You saved his life, Kevin,” she says sincerely.  “It couldn’t have kept going the way it was going.”

“We’re going to do whatever it takes, Denise,” I promise.  “We’re all behind him, 100% and will do whatever it takes for him to get better.”

“I know you will, Sweetheart,” she says gently, and the nicer she is to me, the more upset I’m starting to feel.  “It wasn’t easy, what you did, but he’ll appreciate it when he’s better.  He’ll know hard that was for you.”

“It wasn’t hard.  I lost my temper, Denise!  I just…had enough of the lies and games and the excuses!  I needed to know he was still in there somewhere and just…snapped.”

“It worked,” she tells me simply.  “Whatever you did, it was the right thing at that time because he needed to see it, Kevin.  However you got him to see it, he did and that’s the important thing.  You got him to take his life seriously.”

“Or just scared the crap out of him,” I answer quietly, wiping more tears from my face.  She doesn’t need this right now.  Her son’s in rehab, the last thing she needs is to be comforting me over the telephone.

“It was what he needed,” she says again.  “Kevin, I know it’s not easy to be the heavy and you get stuck being the heavy a lot, but those boys have looked up to you for years.  I know Alex has, otherwise, he wouldn’t have cared what you said to him today.  It’s been a lot of responsibility over the years, but trust me, it’s all worth it.  You may have saved his life, and he’ll know that when he’s got a chance to think about it.”

“I know,” I sigh tiredly.  “At least that’s what I keep telling myself.  I keep thinking that anything has to be an improvement over what he was, you know?  I didn’t know what more to do for him, Denise.  How to reach him anymore.  I asked and he just lied.  It was constant lies and excuses and apologies but nothing changed and I don’t know…something snapped when he said he wasn’t going to the game.  I knew he was out last night.  I heard them come back at like 4:30 this morning and knew he was going to flake on his responsibility.  I just sat around getting more and more pissed off.  Even if he did go, I probably would have been pissed at him because this just isn’t Alex.  None of this has been Alex for so long…”  The words are just scrambling out of my mouth, trying to explain my own behavior, justify it somehow, although so far, no one has said I was wrong.  It just feels that way.  “I tried talking to him.  I really, really tried getting him to open up and just tell me what the hell was going on, but…”

“But you got a lie, or a promise or he denied the whole thing,” she finishes for me.  “I know, Kevin.  I understand.  I’ve been watching it happen too.  I’ve been trying to find him therapists and babysitters thinking I could make some kind of a difference but we both know the truth here, don’t we?  It wasn’t going to get any better until Alex wanted it to get better.  Until he reached his bottom and today, he reached his bottom.  Whatever it was you said to him…”

“I gave him an ultimatum, Denise.  All of us are fed up and I just told him he either had to fix it, or he was out…along with a lot of other things I’m not very proud of.”

“The riot act, huh?”

“More than that,” I confess guiltily.  “I wanted to piss him off.  I wanted to hurt him and just held nothing back.  I think I wanted to see if I could and now that I have I wish I did it differently.  Please, in spite of what he might think, please just let him know we really are here for him.  Whatever he needs from us, we’re going to give it to him.  However long he needs to get better, he’s got it.  We’re all here, 100%.”

“I’m sure he already knows, but I’ll tell him when I talk to him.  In the meantime, Kevin, try to get some rest.  It’s going to be alright now, okay?  You did the right thing and I really, truly, mean this, okay?  Because I know you, Kevin, and you’re going to keep thinking about it.  So when you do, remember this: Thank you.”

New York

“You awake?” Brian asks, pushing my door open.  I never bothered to close it completely.  I guess it’s an old habit from years ago.  Whenever something happened, I’d just leave my door open in case any of them wanted to talk.

“I’m awake,” I say, tossing the magazine I was pretending to read to the floor.

“How’re you holding up?” he asks, coming inside and sitting at the foot of my bed. 

Apparently not as well as I thought because the moment he asks, I’ve got tears in my eyes.  “Holding it together,” I say with a slow nod.

“Game face can come off now, Kev,” he says knowingly.  “No one here but us.  How’re you holding up?  Really?”

“He’s going to be fine,” I tell him, swallowing heavily. 

Brian settles back a little and tilts his head slightly.  “I wasn’t asking about Alex.  I was asking about you.  How are you holding up?”

“How’re any of us holding up?” I shrug slightly.  “Doing the best we can.”

“Again, Kev, I wasn’t asking about us…”  He sits up a little and takes a breath.  “I was right behind you, Kevin.  We all heard what happened and…really, how’re you handling it now?”

There’s more tears in my eyes, but they just refuse to fall, making my vision blurry.  “I said what I felt.  I meant every word of it and maybe it was what he needed to hear.  Maybe he needed to know we were sick of him.”

“It seems to have worked better than anything else we’ve tried.  But you’re okay?”

"I’m holding it together,” I repeat, finally blinking the tears out of my eyes.  “Once we get through the press, I’ll be able to process it better.”  Right now, it’s game face and if I take it off, I’ll never get it back on.  “How’s Nicky?”  I can change the subject now, right?  I can’t think about me yet.  There’re too many other people to think about to think about me.

“About the same,” he answers.  “It comes and goes.  He’s feeling pretty guilty about the fight they had.  Thinks it might be partly his fault AJ went out and got so wasted.”

“His fault, my fault, the press, the tour, his family, his grandmother’s death…  It’s everyone else’s fault but Alex’s, isn’t it?  But in reality, it’s no one else’s fault.  He’s just gotten us trained to believe it’s anyone but him, hasn’t he?  Damn it, Brian, there are so many layers to this, I don’t even know which one to try to peel away first.”

“Neither does he, I think, but at least he’s to the point where he realizes he needs to start, thanks to you.”

“In spite of the evidence, he’s not stupid.  He’d have figured it out eventually.”

“Maybe…maybe not,” he tells me sincerely.  “He may not have gotten the chance.”  That’s too true for me to even think about right now.  Game face…I have to keep the game face.  “We all think you did the right thing.  We all believe that.”

“So, you’ve been talking about me?” I ask, cracking a halfhearted smile.

“We always talk about you,” he teases lightly.  “But this time, we thought you were right.”

“Get some sleep,” I tell him with a playful kick to get him off my bed.  “We have a big day ahead of us.”

“Yeah,” he says, doubtfully.  None of us are getting much sleep, “you too.”

 August

AJ

I stretch out on my bed, looking at the drawings I made in therapy trying to center my thoughts on what I want to say to say today, what’s going to be said to me.  This was the last place I wanted to be a few weeks ago, but now it feels like out there is the enemy and I have to admit, I’m scared to face it.  There’s order here.  Up at 8:00, bed made…I mean really, I make my bed!  I’ve never made my bed, but it’s all part of the order.  It all helps things to fall into place, and keeps me from falling back into bed.  Breakfast, group, a bit of free time, therapy, dinner, a little more free time and I’m in bed at 11:00.  Can you imagine that?  In bed at 11:00!  I’ve never been in bed at 11:00!  The first few nights, when I was laying here thinking about it…  I mean, 11:00?  Sometimes we were barely off stage.  If we were, we were out somewhere, doing something, coming down, meeting someone…getting stoned, having a drink…  Sleep was never associated with 11:00pm. 

I keep telling myself it’s a whole new world now.  One where there’s pockets and dark shadows that I have to figure out how to avoid.  One where there’s a benefit to having a clear head and sound frame of mind.  One where I feel as if I can be in control and be okay…without the help of drugs and alcohol.  The scariest part of that is that I don’t really remember a time when I was in control without them and it’s one hell of a test to see if I can do it.  Baby steps, one day at a time, and if that’s too much, one minute at a time.

I’ve faced Sarah.  I’ve faced my mom and uncle.  None of that was easy to do.  Listening to the ways I’ve broken my mother’s heart and lost her trust crushed me, but I have to remember that wasn’t really me.  It was the addiction.  It was AJ that did all that.  But it’s still kind of difficult to separate the two sometimes, and I have to take responsibility for my actions regardless of what I want to label them.  They all still love me.  They’re all still supporting me.

Today, I have to face Kevin and Brian, though.  I’m trying not to read too much into the fact that Nicky and Howie aren’t coming.  I have their support 100%, but they don’t want to come here which is a little difficult to get around.  Howie’s got some kind of foundation board meeting or business thing, or some such thing.  Nicky?  I think he’s just scared to face me here.  I think I’ve just scared the be-Jesus out of him and he can’t be here or it’ll be too real, if that makes any sense.  At least it makes some kind of sense to me, and I suppose I can’t hold it against the guy.  Or Howie…life goes on and maybe the best thing they can do for themselves is not be here today, and I have to respect that.  I can respect that.  It’s not like they don’t call or make time to talk to me when I do call.  They haven’t totally written me off, anyway.  I guess I should be looking at it that way, thankful for what I do have, right?

But I admit I’m nervous about seeing Kevin and Brian.  There’s been a few phone calls, but neither of them are the ‘let’s chat for hours’ type of guys.  It’s a quick catch up, pertinent information, and hang up.  But in person, it’s a whole other thing.  In person, they really like heart to heart talks and look at you intently, listen intently.  It can be a little nerve wracking when Kevin’s eyes fix on you like they do, like he really can read your mind and is waiting for some confession he’s already figured out.  But then again, what more do I have to confess?  I mean, really?  It’s all been pretty much out there for the world to see, and they’re the one’s that have been fielding all the questions.  All I have to do is own up to their answers, right?

Dear merciful Jesus get me through this one, will ya, Dude?

~

“Kev…you’re crushin’ me, dawg,” I grunt under his embrace and pull back laughing, both of us chuckling nervously.

“Sorry,” he mumbles as Brian steps up and throws his arms around me, rubbing the top of my hair, now in a crew cut. 

“Dude!  What the hell happened?  Yer hair fell out!” he teases, playfully punching my shoulder.  I think that’s relief in his eyes, an honest smile, something I haven’t seen on his face in months.  I rub the top of my head and look down, finally feeling like I can breathe.

“Hell, it’s been a few weeks.  What?  You think I’d let my stylish fashion sense go?” I joke back, moving over to one of the couches.  My mom’s been sent out of the room so it’s just us now.  I think it’s best.  We have things to talk about and mom’s got nothing to do with it.  She’s still working on trying not to defend my every move and trust me, she’d get defensive if she’d sit in and listen.  The truth sucks, sometimes.  And I know I’m going to be getting, and giving, a lot of it.

“You look good,” Brian says, slowly nodding his approval as he looks at me, almost studying me, I think. 

“Still the same outside, just a new and improved creamy center!” I laugh nervously, wiping a hand over my lips.  There’s really no point trying to keep this light.  It’s going to get heavy, but the least we should do is not be scared of who we are.  Deep down, we’re still the same people, right?  They just haven’t seen this person in a long time.

“You’re doing okay?” Kevin asks quietly, looking up and focusing those deep green beams directly at me.  Fuck, already?  I’m not ready for that look yet, Kev!

I exhale deeply and find myself smiling slowly, trying to reassure him somehow.  I’ve lied too many times and gave him too many chances not to believe a single word I say, but I’m still going to keep trying to gain that trust back.  I don’t look away this time, and that’s a start.  “I’m doing better than okay, Kev.  This place?  This is exactly what I needed; a chance to breathe, a chance to sit down and take stock, clear my head of all the bullshit.  I’m better than okay, Kev.  I’m sober.”  There’s tears in his eyes in spite of the smile he’s giving me and I reach out to throw my arm around his shoulders and pull him to me.  How hard is this for him?  I didn’t think of what it’d be like for him to come here and face me after that awful day.  He hated me, and then mom said he was fighting the guilt of what he said to me.  Now what?  Does he take it back?  He shouldn’t.  “You were right, Kev,” I tell him quietly, pulling back to look at him directly, green high-beams be damned.  “I didn’t want to admit it, but you were.  I was a fuck and I needed to hear it.  I tried my damnest to blow it off.  But in the end, I knew that really was what you thought of me and I knew I went way too far.  That’s when I couldn’t deny what was happening anymore.”

Brian stands up and nonchalantly wanders across the room, pretending to be interested suddenly in the cloud formation in the distance and giving us a bit of privacy.

“I just couldn’t deal anymore, Alex,” Kevin says, watching Brian briefly and then turning to look back to me.  “I didn’t like what I was seeing, who you were and I tried.  I tried over and over to bring you back, but I just couldn’t reach you.  I didn’t know what else to do.  I blew.”

“I didn’t give you much of a choice, though, Kev.  I thought I had it all under control…no, actually, I thought I was hiding it all from everyone and wanted to believe I was.  You coming in, saying what you said, laid it out for me that I wasn’t.  And as I sat here thinking about it…Kev, man, you literally knocked the door down to reach me, physically and figuratively.  I know what you were trying to do that day, and what you were trying to do all along.  I just didn’t give you any options, and you had nothing but an ultimatum left to give me, and I love you for giving it to me because honestly, I don’t know how much longer I could have lasted.”  I throw my arm around his shoulder again, doing my best to ignore the tears in his eyes.  “I love you, man, foul temper and all.  Thanks for kicking my ass.”

Brian joins us, jabbing Kevin’s shoulder, also ignoring the tears in his eyes.  “See, I told ya, he’s back.”

Kevin looks at me, slowly shaking his head and reaches out to wrap his hand around the back of my neck.  “Welcome back,” he says quietly.

“Ah, stop it or you’re gonna start me bawling too,” Brian says, dropping into the seat next to Kevin.

“He’s a sensitive guy,” Kevin teases.

“You’re a sap,” Brian sighs knowingly, winking at me playfully.

"So, tell me, how much damage did this do?” I ask.  No one’s really saying much about it what this doing to us.  I’ve been out of it, but I’m not that stupid.  This is killing our bottom line financially, and I don’t get the news about how the media is taking it.  I’ve gotten letters upon letters though of support and I can’t tell you how many times that support has gotten me through the doubts.  All I need to do is look at them, read a few, and I realize that I have something to offer.  I have touched lives, and that’s a pretty damn good feeling.

Kevin lifts a shoulder, trying to be casual, but he’s got that furrow in his forehead that tells me we are so in the red.  “We’ll work it out.  What matters is that you’re getting better.”

“How bad is it?” I ask, leaning forward to rest my elbows on my knees.  “What’re we going to do to turn it around?”

“It’s being worked out,” Brian says.  “We’re rearranging dates and making it work.”

“I’m not helping…”

Kevin turns the high-beams back on.  “You take whatever time you need,” he tells me firmly.  “I don’t want you even thinking about this right now.  Like Brian says, it’s being worked out and surprisingly, we’re getting a lot of support.”

“Outside of the industry,” Brian mumbles.

“We’re being praised for our honesty,” Kevin snickers.

“That’s us,” I laugh.  “The Backstreet Boys, movers and shakers, changing the morality of the world one addict at a time!”

June 2004

AJ

What was that?  How am I holding up these days?  One day at a time, and in all reality, it’s not as scary as it sounds.  The pressure is off when you bring it down to that level, you know?  No grand schemes, no major hassles or worries.  It’s just one day, and normally, I can handle that.  When I can’t, I’ve got my support team and my family – all sorts of family: my real one; the blood relatives, the sponsored one, and this one…my brothers; Howie, Nick, Brian and Kevin.

A few years ago…damn, already it’s been a few years?  A few years ago, I was ready to walk away from it -- all of it.  Throw my hands up and be done with them all, but Jesus, now?  I can’t even imagine what I’d be doing without them.  And not just because it’s my job…because these guys are family.  They know me inside and out and didn’t let me go, even when I gave them every possible excuse to make that happen. 

We’ve changed…hell, yeah, we’ve changed!  Nicky’s got a solo album and his own tour under his belt now.  Brian’s got a baby…Howie’s got…well, Howie’s bought more Florida.  Pretty soon it’s going to be Howida, I think.  Kevin’s done Broadway.  My momentous achievement?  Sobriety and learning how to live it.  I admit I was scared coming back in here, wondering how I was going to get through it, how they were going to treat me, react to the changes.  As usual, there was no real foundation to be scared.  They’re still the same old nerds and geeks, cracking each other up, wrestling, fighting over who’s note was dropped and who came in too slow or high.  Geeks…we’re just geeks.

And, damn, I’ve missed having them around!

 Kevin

Some people would say we’ve come full circle, I guess.  I’m sitting here, looking around the studio and I don’t see it.  I see Nicky over there, laughing with the headphones around his neck, standing in front of the mic.  Ten years ago, he had to crane his neck up to reach it.  Not anymore.  Brian’s sitting behind me, bouncing his son on his lap and making stupid noises at him, making him laugh.  Ten years ago…he didn’t even have a real girlfriend.  He was just a junior in high school…a baby himself.  Howie’s sitting next to me at the board, tuning and fixing the reverb on the song he’s written.  Ten years ago, we didn’t know what any of these buttons or knobs did.  We didn’t even write.  And Alex…  He’s hanging back, sitting on the couch with Brian and leaning over to make faces at Baylee, a whole new charm and playfulness about him now.  He’s still Alex, still quiet and patient, still able to laugh at himself and crack his jokes, but there’s a wisdom about him now, a carefulness, and understanding.  Ten years ago, he was starting to show this maturity and sensitivity, lost it along the way, but he’s found it again.

 And me?  Ten years ago I was just looking for something to showcase my talents until I was discovered.  I had no idea it would take four people intruding in my life, frustrating me, annoying me, raising my temper and showing me the capacity I have to love them through it all, hang in there and be someone important in their lives.  It’s a gift, and one that I’ve recognized on occasion, but right now, at this moment, it feels like we haven’t even started to unwrap our potential.

 It’s not full circle, not by a long shot.  The people we started out with, Max, Johnny, the fellas, Kristin, maybe we got off track a few times, didn’t follow our hearts along the way.  When we started out, all we had to go on were our gut instincts and I think everyone here has learned that when we don’t listen to that, we stumble.  A few years past, a few years older, a little more weight, a little less hair, but looking around the room, what I see are the key players back in place.  Not full circle…we’ve all just come home.

 

The End