October

He heard the crowd yelling, the clapping and stomping feet on the gym bleachers and the unison of the cheerleaders' voices as they hyped them up another notch. He glanced to Jimmy and Mickey with an excited grin and they nodded back in understanding. This was it - their last Homecoming Pep Rally. And he was getting out of Math class to be adored by the student body. Things could be worse, he mused.

As the crowd roared, the double doors opened to the double line of cheerleaders making a path. His team started their own rallying cry as they ran into the middle of the gym and he made sure to catch Jana's eye as he ran past and winked to her, reaching out to wave his hand through her pom-pom's.

The Pep Rally would be the only real chance he got to actually concentrate on the cheers. He'd caught bits and pieces during practice, but usually, he was watching or in the game, and when they did their halftime routine, he was getting yelled at in the locker room by the coaches. He had paid some attention to the cheerleaders in the past, but has never had the insight to the amount of work they did until this year. Driving Michelle and Jana home every day, he had gotten a basic progress report and behind the scenes look to what went into their five-minute routine.

The squad lined up, and Blondie's 'One Way or Another' blared through the PA system. The cheerleaders snapped into action in unison - dancing, and hips swaying, arms flying before breaking out into two groups. The music changed within the beat, breaking into 'My Sharona', followed by 'Jenny (867-5309).' As the music changed into 'Coldhearted Snake,' Jana was hoisted up into the air and came down in a tight twist, landing as the music ended to screams and applause from the bleachers. The squad bounced into action, jumping and clapping, trying to rally them further and he watched Jana with a huge grin. All her determination had paid off. He saw it in her face as she smiled and laughed, knowing how much she'd worked on the execution of the routine.


"Okay," Jana said, beaming after the Pep Rally, "we set y'all up to do great things. If you blow it, it's out of our hands." She laughed, knocking into him playfully, evidently still on an adrenaline high.

"Dang, girl, that kicked butt!" He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her, pulling back, but keeping an arm around her shoulder. "Ain't no way we can lose now." She settled against him as they headed down the hall, and he couldn't quite explain the way he felt. 'This is what high school must be about,' he thought, 'what's written in all those books and what people must talk about - Homecoming, a pretty cheerleader on your arm, football jersey on your back and feeling invincible walking through the hallway.'

"My parents are going to take me home," she said as they reached her locker. "They're waiting outside for me, so I'll see you tonight?"

"You bet," he said, leaning his shoulder alongside her locker as she gathered her books. "About 6:30 okay?"

"Sounds good." She closed her locker and without thinking, he leaned over and kissed her quickly. She smiled more broadly and seemed to giggle to herself. "See you later."

"Later," he said, watching her head down the hallway and out the doors, wondering if that could be considered their first kiss.


The nerves he'd had on his way to picking her up were completely gone as soon as they were in the car and on the way to the school. She was smiling and talked avidly with her hands about being allowed to drive home from the school after the rally and how nervous she'd been with her father watching her every move.

By the time they were at the dance, even he was laughing and telling her about learning to drive with his father and then his brother. "So, everything I did with Dad was blown out the window when Tim got me behind the wheel."

"So you have pointers to give me?" she asked, nudging him with her shoulder.

He laughed and took her hand, squeezing it slightly. "You don't want lessons from me. I'm reckless."

"Yeah, you've been such a horrible driver with me!" she said sarcastically.

He grinned, releasing her hand to open the gym door. "I have precious cargo with me when you're in the car."

She bellowed in laughter, slipping past him. "Oh, the charm!"

"I'm just gettin' started, baby."


The gym was lit with low light, and he had Jana in his arms, swaying to the slow beat of '(I Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight.' At first she stood a bit back, but slowly, he moved closer and lowered his head, closing his eyes as the scent of the powdery perfume she wore more distinct. She relaxed into his arms and rested against him, and he couldn't remember ever feeling this comfortable with a girl before. He wanted this to be an extended version of the song just so he could stay right where he was.

It wouldn't last, though. "Hey, Kev…" He lifted his head just as Jana looked over to Jimmy dancing with Michelle. "We headin' out?" Kevin nodded, but turned back to Jana.

"Heading where?" Jana asked.

"Oh," he started, pulling back from her slightly, "back home, sort of. It's a tradition kind of thing."

"Tradition?"

"Yeah." As the music changed, Kevin took hold of her hand and started walking off the gym floor. "We go back to the Domain, make a bonfire and just kind of hang out for awhile. Nothing much, but…" He shrugged. "We've been doing that for years."

"Years?" she chuckled.

He looked over to her and smiled. "I have older brothers that went to this school, remember? Someone had to ruin all their fun. You don't mind leaving early, do you? Your friends can come along."

"No, I don't mind." Maybe she was a little nervous about leaving, but she smiled a little and kept holding his hand as they walked back to their friends with the word spreading that they were leaving. Within half an hour, they were sitting near the Meadow Garden, a bonfire burning and at least twenty people mingling around. The memory of pop music in the school gym faded in the face of AC/DC blaring from Mickey's car. Cans of soda became cans of beer or soda spiked with rum, and cigarettes that'd been snuck in the gym were now openly being smoked, among other things.

Jana sat on one of the logs next to Nicole, looking a little nervous. Her friend seemed perfectly comfortable, smoking a cigarette and play-kicking one of his friends with the toe of her shoes. Kevin came up behind Jana and handed her a can of soda before sitting next to her. "Just soda," he promised with a wink. She smiled at him and looked back around the campfire, taking a sip. "Unless you want…"

She shook her head. "This is fine. Thanks." She looked around the campfire again, but now Nicole was kissing the guy she'd been flirting with earlier.

Kevin watched for a moment, feeling awkward. Too soon to start all that, but a little of that would be nice, he considered. He slid his hand into hers and tugged slightly, bringing her away from the crowd, over towards Jimmy's truck. He leaned back on the hood, lifting his heel up onto the wheel and smiled. "Sorry you came?" he asked, still holding her hand.

"No, of course not," she answered with a light giggle. "It's kind of fun…I've never really been out like this. I go to the Bend once in awhile, but it's different somehow."

"Everything is different up here somehow." He pulled her just a little closer. She sort of mumbled a response, and they both fell silent. The firelight danced in her hair, shadowing her features into softness, and he released her hand, slid his arms around her waist, and tilted his head back slightly when she looked up. "Come 'ere," he said softly, and leaned in for a kiss. It was soft and gentle at first, but after pulling back slightly and seeing her smile, he leaned in for another, deeper kiss. Five minutes? Fifteen? He had no idea, lost in the feel of her lips, her tongue, the way her chest rose.

"We have to get you home." 'Nice and easy, Kev…don't scare her away. Not if you want to kiss her again…and you know you do.'


Somewhere there was a bonfire; the flickering orange light lit up his face. He stood so close. Jana was just inches from him, just as she had pictured, with her fingers slipped through the belt loops of his jeans. His arms draped around her shoulders loosely, but soon he was leaning forward, and she watched a strand of his thick, dark hair flip over to his forehead just moments before she closed her eyes and felt his lips brush against hers softly.

She opened her eyes with a smile, seeing Kevin's face just inches from hers, and he leaned in again for another kiss. This time, he was a bit more sure of himself, and he didn't pull away, parting his lips against hers, and slipping his tongue in her mouth briefly. She pulled away again, unable to keep the stupid grin from her face, and she could feel his thumb caress the back of her neck. She wasn't sure when he had moved his hand, but she paid no attention as he leaned forward again.

He wasn't her first kiss, but he was the first person that'd created an odd sensation in her stomach with anticipation, making her aware of where his hands were on her body. His thumb continued to rub against the back of her neck, and she could feel his fingers spread on her waist, moving her closer against him as he remained leaning on the car. She was aware of his thigh brushing up against her waist as the kiss deepened, and she dropped her hand to rest on his hip, feeling the wrinkles of his jeans beneath her palm.

She had never been kissed like this before. Her palms felt sweaty, and her heart seemed to beat faster. She wasn't sure if she should slide her hand around his waist like she wanted to. She wasn't sure if she should run her hand up along his neck like she wanted to. She wasn't sure of anything but the nerves and the anticipation she felt coursing through her body until he pulled back, with a broad smile. He tucked a stray strand of hair from her ponytail behind her ear and kissed her quickly, pulling back to a safer distance as he turned his head.

"We have to get you home," he said quietly, looking back at her with a grin. Slipping his hand into hers, he pushed away from Jimmy's car and started over to the bonfire. All she could do was follow him, unable to say anything. The last thing she wanted to do was go home, but he was right. Her father would be staring at the clock above the kitchen sink, and counting down the minutes. She made the sacrifice, anticipating the chance to do it again a different night.


She lifted her head up from the book, smirking at him with a tilted head. "Excuse me?"

He smiled back mischievously, attempting to look innocent and shook his head. "What? I'm not doing nothin'."

"Uh huh." She watched him guardedly before looking back down to take notes again. He pretended to look at his book, letting his fingers peel a few more strands of paper from a page in his notebook, rolling them into a small ball and lightly tossing them across the table. She turned the page, looking between her bangs quickly before looking back down in an attempt to ignore it, but he heard her giggle. He read the same paragraph he'd been reading in his Social Studies book before tossing another paper ball at her. "Kevin?" she whispered, looking up to him. "I thought we were studying?"

He grinned up at her and lifted a shoulder. "What do you mean? I'm just reading over here. See?" He lifted his book and blinked at her.

"So, someone else is attempting to flirt with me by tossing paper balls at me?" she asked, looking around the library. "Wonder who it could be…think he might be cuter than you?"

He tossed another at her with a playful scowl. "Fine. I'll stop."

She giggled, flicking one of the balls back in his direction and turned her head back down to her books. "Just study, Geek. We have mid-terms, remember?"

"So?"

"Okay, Mr. Hot-Shot-I'm-Outta-Here-Senior, you may not have to care, but I still have to pass."

"You'll pass," he said confidently, pushing his books away a little and reaching out to take her hand. "I have faith."

"I'm not gonna pass if I keep getting hit with spitballs and distracted by my boyfriend." My boyfriend. He really liked the way that sounded, and up until now, no one had used the 'official' term with them, but yeah, they were boyfriend and girlfriend. They spent lunch together, talked on the phone every night, went out on the weekends, and they were kissing. A lot. There'd been a lot of kissing since the Homecoming Dance, and it seemed there was more of it each time they got together. Not that he minded. He found himself watching her mouth now as she shook her head and smiled at him. "What? You got that goofy look on your face again."

"Nothing, darlin'," he said easily. "I'll let you study."

"And you'll throw paper balls at me?" She flicked another back at him.

"No. I'll just watch you. Better?" Folding his arms, he dropped his chin down onto his hands on the table.

"No," she giggled, "worse. Why can't you study?"

"Shh," he winked, "we're in the library. Keep your voice down. People are trying to study."

"Bastard." She shook head looking back to her book, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. He continued to watch her for another long minute before she dropped her pencil and sighed at him. "Why don't you go make copies for me?"

"Of what?" He reached out and slowly started pulling her binder across the table towards him.

"What I'm supposed to be reading now and won't be able to with you looking at me like that." She pulled the binder back and shoved a book towards him. "Pages 352 to 357 please."

"Come with me."

"And how am I supposed to steal glances at you if I'm standing right next to you?"

"You don't have to, you know. We could just get out of here and…"

She sat up onto her knees and leaned over onto her elbows on the table, looking over her shoulder quickly before kissing him quickly. "And what?"

"Do a lot more of that," he smiled, kissing her again.

"Except for the fact that I have to be home in about half an hour," she told him, pointing at his watch and smiling. "Sorry, babe. Curfew."

"That leaves us with…" He looked at his watch and lifted an eyebrow in consideration. "Fifteen minutes to say good night."

"Not long enough?" she giggled.

"Not lately," he answered with a sly grin.

She slid the book back and slipped off the chair. "Tonight it's gonna have to be."


"Take a walk?" Kevin asked as Jana helped finish up the dinner dishes with his mother.

Anne took the plates from her hand and smiled, thanking her and saying that she'd finish up. Ignoring the scoffing from Tim and Keith, one of Kevin's friends from the camp, Kevin took Jana's hand and headed outside. Once they started down the gravel road, he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and kissed the top of her head. "So, you survived a Richardson dinner."

She leaned against him and hooked her fingers through the belt loop. "What's to survive? Your parents are great!"

"Oh, mama and dad are…I meant Tim and Keith," he chuckled. "You even got food on your plate!"

"Bless your ma for feeding four men every day," she laughed. "I don't know how she does it."

"Oh, we were on our 'company behavior,'" he started. "When we get out of hand, she's more than able to knock our heads together if we need it. She's raised three boys, after all. Well, four if you count Keith for all the years he's been hanging around."

"I don't know how she did it and kept her sanity. Especially with you."

"Yeah, especially with me 'cuz I'm so hard to handle," he joked sarcastically, stepping up to the walkway by the Great Hall. The door was unlocked, and they went inside, listening to their footsteps echo off the high ceiling.

"Play something?" Jana asked, noticing the piano.

"I was just getting to that," he chuckled. "Need to brush up on a few things for Cedar Village."

"When are you starting that?" she asked, sitting next to him on the piano bench.

He placed his hands around middle 'C' and pressed lightly, letting the chord drift softly into the night air. "Once football's over," he said, looking down to the keys. "You gonna come by? I'm right around the corner from your house."

"You could come have your dinner breaks with me," she offered. "Depending what time that is, of course. I'm usually back from lessons by 8:30."

He kissed her quickly and went back to the keyboards. "I just might."

"So, when did you learn to play?"

He shrugged, playing a few chords mindlessly as he slightly bit his lower lip. "A few years ago I started fiddling around. Just kind of…I don't know…sat down one day."

"Self taught?" she asked, surprised.

"Pretty much," he nodded. "Play a lot by ear."

"So, you going to be the next Billy Joel?" she giggled.

He turned and looked at her, lifting an eyebrow. "Bigger."

She laughed and shook her head. "That's ambitious."

He turned back to the piano and started playing 'Only The Good Die Young.' "No one says I can't be."

"Okay, I'll make a deal with you." She turned to face him a little more. "You become bigJer than Billy Joel, and I'll become the biggest prima ballerina the world has ever seen."

He nodded, switching the song to Elton John's 'Tiny Dancer.' "Deal." He continued playing a while longer. "I'm gonna hold you to that, you know."

"Let's see who makes it to New York first," she crowed with a giggle. He simply nodded before beginning to sing.

"So, how big is this place, anyway?" she asked as they came out of the Hall.

He turned and looked at her, cracking a smile. "You've honestly never been here before?"

She shook her head and looked around at the cabins surrounding the pit. "Just that once where we had the bonfire. I've been to the Park, but not here."

"Well, then, let me give you the quick tour…for a price, of course."

"How much is that gonna cost me?"

He turned to face her and smiled lightly. "Just one, small, quick kiss." He took hold of both her hands and leaned in, and she lifted her chin up to kiss him warmly. It was getting easier to give in to his wishes, and whenever she kissed him, she could feel her heart flutter. Somehow, even going into Math class was easier because he'd walk her to class and kiss her quickly before disappearing into the stream of students.

"Okay, so, that's the Great Hall, connected to the dining hall," he started, releasing one of her hands and starting down the circular road. "Down there is the pool and volleyball court. Over there, the outside altar. That's where I'll get married someday."

"Pray for good weather," she said with a light laugh, already envisioning herself in a white dress beneath a canopy of leaves.

"It'll be perfect," he said confidently. "And, surrounding the area are your basic, run of the mill cabins." He pointed to each one as they made their way along the road, telling her their names and how many kids could sleep there. "Up there is the museum, of sorts. Just a bunch of stuff found around here, animals, fossils and bugs an' stuff. And…what else?" He stopped and considered what was around. "Over there are some trails that go into the Park. I'll take you up sometime. You can see forever, up there." There was such a calm tone in his voice, a faraway longing she didn't quite understand. "And, let's see…oh, over here is the Rec center." They headed towards a large building at the corner of the road. "Mine and Tim's handprints," he pointed down as he headed towards the door. "And…" Turning on the lights, he led her through a small kitchen-type area into a much larger room. "This is where the kids hang out on rainy days, do crafts and stuff like that. We have talent shows in here. That's where Keith and I started playing together. I was just supposed to play piano, but turns out, they liked my voice, too."

"You have a great voice!" she encouraged, following him across the room into another, smaller room on one side.

"I'm getting used to it, I guess," he shrugged. "And in here is where everyone leaves their mark." She looked around the tiny room, obviously used for storage, graffiti all over the wooden walls.

"Where's your mark?" she asked. He pointed to a few places where his name and Keith's name were scrawled. "Oh, no girls' names? Where's the Kevin loves…whoever ones?"

He shook his head. "Haven't found that person yet. You know, if you're going to immortalize your name with a girl on these walls, you gotta be pretty serious. Especially since my family comes in here."

"Afraid they might find out how many girls you've kissed?" she teased.

"Something like that, yeah," he admitted sheepishly, blushing in the bright light. "A guy's gotta have a few secrets from his family."

She giggled, looking up at him. "And how many secrets are you hiding, Kevin?"

"I don't kiss and tell," he told her with a smile, leaning in to kiss her. As he pulled away, he tugged on the ends of her hair lightly. "And you're really good at that, you know?" He tapped her lips with his finger.

"I think things like that are only as good as the person you're kissing," she said, biting her lips nervously.

He lifted her chin and kissed her again. "Thank you," he whispered in her ear, giving her chills and making her lift her shoulders and giggle. She wasn't even sure why it made her feel uncomfortable, but it did.

He ran his hand down her arm gently, and she stepped back, pretending to look at the writing on the wall. "So, do you know a lot of these people?"

"A few," he answered, stepping behind her and wrapping his arms around her shoulders comfortably. "A lot of them come back."

"Like this one? She's been here seven years?"

"She has a crush on Tim, I think," he chuckled. "Most do."

She turned to look at him. "Not on you?"

"He flirts more than I do, I guess."

She laughed loudly. "Somehow, I doubt that. I think you're just clueless sometimes when it comes to flirting. You're too modest, sometimes."

This time Kevin laughed, shaking his head. "I don't think so."

"You know half the student body has a crush on you, right?"

"I wouldn't go that far…"

"I would," she interrupted, heading out of the storage room, disbelieving how modest Kevin seemed. "You just don't notice how many girls stare and giggle when you walk past." How could he not notice the girls that giggle and blush at him in the hallway? And she had to admit, she loved being the one holding his hand in front of them.

"They're giggling," he protested. "That can't be good."

"No, that means that their friends are teasing them about their crushes, Kevin. Clue in, would you?" She snapped her fingers at him playfully. "Dang, you're clueless, dude."

"Jana, I don't have sisters. How the heck am I supposed to know these things?" he laughed. All she did was shake her head at him hopelessly. Part of what she found so attractive about him was that he really didn't know. He just went about being himself without thinking too hard about who he was impressing. Turns out, he was impressing just about everyone.


Kevin leaned back against the window, stretching his arm out over the back of the seat and pulled Jana into the seat next to him. There wasn't much room, but after losing another game, at least being able to put his arm around her shoulders would be some sort of comfort. He felt wiped out, but pumped with adrenaline nonetheless. Mickey sat in front of him and Jimmy sat across, each of them hashing over the plays and what had gone wrong until slowly conversation dropped as the bus made its way through the dark, winding roads.

"You're quiet," he said quietly.

He felt her shrug, her head resting against his chest. "Tired," she mumbled, and he realized she'd been asleep.

He smoothed his hand over her shoulder and kissed the top of her head gently. "Sorry. Didn't mean to wake you up."

"Didn't mean to sleep," she answered with a small laugh. "I just didn't get a lot of it these last few days. I swear, tomorrow, I'm not getting out of bed until midnight, and then I'm going to roll over, and go back to sleep."

"That tired?" he teased, brushing some loose strands of hair behind her ear.

She sighed. "I had that Bio test to study for Thursday, and then dance lessons, and then we did a run through for the competition and that ran late, and I was in early to make up the Math quiz I tanked on, and competitions Friday night which I didn't get home from until 1:30, and I had to get up this morning to go to Stacy's stupid soccer game before getting dropped off at the high school for this…" She sighed and seemed to drop against him more heavily. "I'm so tired."

"But you did okay, right? You said you placed, right? And got a B- on the quiz, and think you passed the Bio test." All she did was nod. He smoothed her hair back gently. "Oh, come on, you should be proud of yourself. You worked hard." She nodded again. "You're not satisfied?"

"I'll be satisfied when I'm more awake, I guess. Right now…all I can think is that this morning was a very long time ago."

He chuckled and wrapped his arms around her. "It was. Go back to sleep. I won't keep you up."

"Keep bashing Lincoln," she teased. "I liked the sound of your voice rumbling in my ear when you ranted."

"I wasn't ranting!" he protested. "We got a bad call!"

"You played a great game," she admonished, lifting her head up and kissing him quickly several times. "You had some great tackles and made every kick you tried for. Bad call or not, you played a great game."

"It ain't about me, Jana," he said. "It's all about the team, and we lost. Again."

In the occasional streetlight he could see her smile. "You should be proud of yourself. You worked hard. You're not satisfied?"

"Go back to sleep," he answered before kissing her quickly. "You're cuter when you're sleepy." She stuck her tongue out at him and put her head back down on his shoulder with a chuckle.

"You're both kind of sickening," Mickey said, looking over his shoulder. "Maybe y'all want to just shut up so the rest of us can be cute and sleepy too?"

Kevin backhanded Mickey's shoulder with a chuckle and a quick "bite me." Nothing was going take this moment away from him. Somehow he didn't need to talk a lot to feel comfortable with Jana. Just something about having her calm and relaxed in his arms was all he needed.


A few days later, a usual group was hanging out by the Meadow Garden and Jana had come late. He'd spent a little too much time drinking, a few hits off the joint passed around and lost track of time. Now, he reached out, finding the landmark rock and made his way over to a more flattened rock to sit. "This is better." Sitting down, he turned Jana to let her sit between his legs, facing the same way. Wrapping his arms around her waist, he dropped his chin on her shoulder, exhaling deeply before kissing her neck. "You're really kinda tiny, aren't you?" he questioned, able to wrap his arm completely around her waist. "Dang, girl! Don't you eat?"

"Kevin? I'm only five foot four. Didn't you ever notice?"

"Sure…but…dang! Maybe it's the dark."

She chuckled, leaning back against him slightly. "Yeah, the dark," she said doubtfully.

"No, I mean…" He was confusing himself and just exhaled. He just never really considered how tiny she was before, and now, in the dark as his hands wrapped around her waist, he realized it. But all that was too difficult to explain. "Never mind."

She turned her head, reaching her hand back to rest against his cheek. "Kiss me."

It was the first time she'd asked, and he wasn't about to say no. Anything to get her a little more out of her shell, he would encourage. Some of his friends didn't understand the attraction he had for her. Sometimes, he didn't. But whenever he questioned it, he found himself thinking of the way she smiled at him and the sound of her shy little giggle. Now, as she turned slightly between his legs to face him a bit more, he had something else to think about.

She made him feel good. 'Not just in the physical sense,' he reminded himself as he kissed her, 'but when we talk, she's interested in what I say and makes me feel like I can accomplish anything.' It was something completely new to him, that blind belief, and he figured she knew what she was doing because she had the same belief in her dancing. She was just as determined as he was to make something of it, and no one was going to tell her any different. She assured him she had a room full of trophies and medals to prove to anyone who questioned her talent.

Maybe that was it…she understood his drive and ambition because she had the same goals for herself. Sure, they'd barely dated more than a few months, but he never felt this kind of connection with a girl, and it was the first time he'd felt like he could have a future with someone. The connection, that energy and excitement, was addictive.

And so was the way she kissed. It forced his brain to wonder what it'd be like to be with her, what it would feel like to slide himself into her and seal that connection. The world might stop spinning, he considered. Just the way her tongue felt when he kissed her seemed to make his heart skip a little. Her chest rose and fell against him, conjuring images in his head of her flesh against his.

His first experience had been awkward and clumsy. He'd been embarrassed afterwards; he and the girl had barely spoken, and he'd been grateful for the darkness of the cabin so she couldn't see him blushing. Had he really made those noises? Had she? Would everyone know the next morning? He'd rushed through it, hadn't really known how to make sure she enjoyed it, wasn't really sure she had.

But with Jana, he wanted to touch every inch of her, feel her every movement next to him, beneath him...he wanted to listen to the sighs and moans he assumed he could cause her to make…wanted to cause them. He knew how to get himself off, but she made him want to learn how to get her off. Her shyness and embarrassment only seemed to make him want to be the person that could do it for her, bring her out of that shell and make her see how amazing she truly was outside of just being a top dancer and good student. There was something more under her surface. He knew it was there, even if she didn't, and he wanted to release that in her just to see the kind of energy she had buried underneath.

He knew it would be a very long time before he'd be able to try more than making out. Just asking him to kiss her had taken courage. Now he wished that he hadn't drank as much, or taken those hits from the joint earlier. She was starting to come out of her shell more and more each time they were alone, but she always stopped when he moved a little forward. Like now... as soon as he started to run his hand along her torso, she squirmed and pulled away.

"Won't you friends worry where we went?" she asked, and he could hear her trying to cover her heavy breaths.

"My friends?" he laughed. "No. But we can head back if you want." This time, he just kissed her quickly and smoothed his hand over her cheek.

"Can we just sit here a minute?"

"Sure." As soon as he answered, she rested back against him comfortably and put her head against his shoulder, inhaling deeply as she slid her hands under his. "So, how'd it go today? Another first prize?"

He felt her head move against him before she answered quietly. "No. Third."

"Cool!"

"Not cool. Anything but cool, Kevin. I should have been able to nail this competition, but…" She exhaled. "My head was all over the place, I didn't concentrate at all, and I was way under-practiced. I sucked…and it showed. Frickin' third place," she grumbled, sounding a lot like he did when he screwed up a pass or kick.

"You just had an off day, baby," he said gently, tightening his hold on her. "It happens."

"Not on competition days, it doesn't," she replied swiftly. "I fucked it up. And I can't fuck it up again. I just need to get my head back in the game. I need to focus more."

"Why weren't you focusing today? What were you thinking about?" She didn't answer and he nudged her slightly. "Jan?"

"That I didn't want to be at competition today."

"So, see? You just had an off day. Nothing wrong with wanting to do something else."

She pulled away, turning to face him. "Yes, Kevin, there is. When I need to concentrate on something important, I should concentrate on that. I can't start losing focus like that. Not if I want to get into Juilliard or ASB. Not after all these years of working toward that. I mean…it's not that I don't want to be here with you …but… I can't let myself lose focus right now, and I did. The only saving grace is that I did place. Nowhere near where I should have placed, but I did."

"Damn," he muttered low.

"What?"

"I didn't think it was possible for anyone to be harder on themselves than me, but you just blew me out of the water."

"This is important, Kevin. I have been working my ass off to do everything right so there's no excuse for not getting in, and now that I'm heading into that crucial point, I'm fucking up. I can't. I just…can't. I've worked too hard."

"So…what're you sayin'? I'm distracting you?"

She sighed and leaned back against him. "Yes…which just confuses me more because I don't want to give you up, either."

November

Jana pulled away, exhaling deeply and closing her eyes. "Not gonna happen, Kev," she said breathlessly. She ran her fingers through her hair and took a deep breath as Kevin dropped his head back against the headrest. "It's just going way too fast for me," she said, sounding apologetic.

He tried to reassure her, ignoring the beating of his heart and the growing throb in his groin. "I understand." Too fast for her, maybe, but it had been weeks of the same thing: kissing in the car until neither of them could breathe. Every time he tried moving just the slightest bit further, she'd inevitably pull back and tell him no.

"I'm just not…I don't know, comfortable?" she tried to explain, leaning over to kiss him gently.

Trying to reassure him, he figured, but it only frustrated him more. He turned to her, pulling back himself. "Why, Jan? What's not right about this?"

"I don't know," she whispered. "Being cramped in the car? Only going together a few weeks? I've never done anything like this before?"

Immediately he knew it was that last line that was holding her back more than anything else. "We're not doing anything major, Jana," he said gently.

"I know…"

"It's not like we can get into any kind of trouble," he continued. "You can't get pregnant or anything. I just..." He moved slightly closer and kissed her again. "I want to really feel you, that's all." He kissed her again, a little longer, still staying slow and gentle, but his hand rested high on her waist. She seemed to stiffen up a bit, but he didn't move his hand any further until she relaxed into his kiss. Once she did, he moved slightly higher until his thumb was resting beneath her breast. "See?" he whispered. "The world's not ending," he teased playfully, kissing her several times quickly as he lifted his palm over her breast.

He squeezed the softness beneath his palm gently, feeling her hand on top of his as she exhaled again, and he kissed her warmly, exploring her mouth with his tongue. He didn't dare try anything more for a long time, letting her get comfortable with his touch and caresses. Then, he placed his other hand on her side, this time reaching slightly beneath her waistband to feel the warmth of her skin against his palm. "You're really pushing your luck, Richardson," she warned between kisses.

He laughed lightly, retreating. "Can't blame a guy for trying, can you?"

"You've broken through one barrier for today; why don't you quit while you're still ahead."

In between more kissing, he continued to tease. "I always go for that extra point, though, Jana."

"Make another football analogy, and you're going to be feeling yourself up," she told him, reaching down to move his hand away. "Maybe this is going to end things, but I think it's only fair to say... I'm not going to sleep with you, Kevin."

That broke the mood entirely, and he pulled back slowly. "End things?" he asked, confused. "You think I'm only here to get laid?"

"I don't know," she answered, leaning back against the car door. "But if that's some sort of criteria, than you're dating the wrong person."

"Criteria?" he balked, furrowing his forehead in confusion. "Jana…don't even…no! That's not…" He took a moment to figure out what she was trying to tell him, trying to figure out what she was thinking of him. "That's not what I'm…I mean, it would be nice, don't get me wrong, but no…that's not why I'm here with you. That's not the reason I asked you out or anything. I like you. I think you're damn cute, funny…smart. It's not just to…get laid. Hell, I've only..." He just shook his head and exhaled deeply. "That's not why I'm here with you."

"You've only what?" she asked, seeming to get more comfortable against the door.

"Slept with one person…and that was two years ago," he admitted.

"Kristy?"

"No," he said. "You wouldn't know her probably. She went to camp here one summer."

"Oh," she said quietly. "What happened?"

"Camp ended." He shrugged. "We wrote for awhile, but not long."

"And that's it?"

He leaned back against his door, trying to get comfortable. "What do you mean? With her?"

"With anyone… You haven't done anything with anyone else?"

He glanced out the windshield, lifting a shoulder. "What do you mean by 'anything'? I've fooled around with other girls, if that's what you mean, but not gone all the way." He looked at her, trying to show his sincerity. "I'm good at hearing 'no,' Jana. If you don't want to do something, just tell me."

"I am." He could see her twisting her fingers nervously and reached out to place his hand over hers. "I don't want to sleep with anyone until I'm married."

He cracked a smile, trying to lighten the tension. "We're not even close to anything like that. Right now, we're just kissin' in a car." He pulled back and lifted his arms up the best he could. "Look, we both still got all our clothes on. See? Innocent."

She snorted lightly. "Far from innocent, but you're making your point."

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"How many boys have you kissed?" he tried sounding playful, still trying to keep the conversation comfortable.

"A few…counting you? Four."

He held back his first comment of 'that's obvious' and settled on nodding. "Your first kiss?"

She giggled this time. "Danny Schmidt, ninth grade, and it was horrible."

"He's JV, isn't he?"

"Does everything in your life relate to football?" she giggled. "Yes, he's JV now. What about you? When was your first kiss?"

"Sixth grade, and it was pretty horrible too."

"Not anymore," she said quietly, and he was certain he'd be able to see her blushing if they were in any direct light. Right now, there was only faint light from a streetlight.

He leaned over and paused as she leaned closer. "Well, thank you. You're not horrible either." To prove it, he kissed her again, cautiously aware of where he put his hands this time.

"I should head in," she said after awhile. "If I'm late for curfew, my father will kill me."

Kevin chuckled. "He doesn't like me, does he?"

"He likes you," she countered as Kevin started the car. They generally would sit a few doors down and drive around the block to make it look like they'd just arrived instead of having sat outside. "He doesn't like that I'm car dating, or that he can't keep his eye on you, that's all. He keeps telling me he was a teenage boy once, too, you know."


All he had was half an hour before he had to get ready for the game and Jana had said she'd meet him. Finally, she showed up, hesitating at the door near the gym, and talked to Nicole briefly. As Nicole stayed behind, Jana crossed the hallway, looking worried and carrying her books against her chest. He kissed her quickly, looking over her shoulder as Nicole stood and watched them.

"I'm sorry. I can't stay," she said immediately as he pulled back from her.

"I only have half an hour, Jana."

She touched his arm gently and tilted her head. "I know…but Nicole…"

Nicole, Nicole, Nicole! He was sick of Nicole. Lately, it seemed like Nicole was always having a problem or tagging along. "Am I dating Nicole, too?" he asked sharply. "I don't remember asking you both out."

"Kevin…" She tried softly. "I know…but Nicole…"

"You know, whatever, Jana." He stepped back and squared his shoulders. "I have better things to do anyway." He shook his head and took another step before turning his back to her and running a hand through his hair. When he glanced over his shoulder, Jana was still standing in the hallway looking miserable, but he could swear Nicole was smirking. By the time he glanced back again, Nicole had an arm around Jana's shoulder and they were walking in the opposite direction.

What was the big deal? He wasn't being unreasonable, right? Jana usually had to be home by 10:00, couldn't go out after school because of her dance classes, and had dance class Saturday mornings, too. He had practice, had to work after school around the Domain, and when they made plans to see each other…she had to bring Nicole along? He was getting flack constantly from Mickey and Jimmy for blowing them off to see his girlfriend, but really…what was the point?

Jana was cute and all…and she smiled every time she saw him, he noticed…but was that enough? She was smart, too. One of the few girls he knew that really had plans to get out of here like he wanted to. He knew she would make it, too, like he would. She was determined, knew what she wanted. That was cool. He really liked it that she wasn't like the other girls who just giggled and said 'I don't know…whatever…' He just liked being with her, around her. He just wanted more time to do that, without having to entertain her best friend, too.

Later that night during one of the toughest games, Kevin slammed his shoulder into someone, bringing them both down to cold, wet ground with a thud, to the roar of the crowd. With the adrenaline rushing through his body and the sound of his own breath, the crowd was all but drowned out. As he tackled the player in the next play, he wondered if maybe Jana wasn't as interested in him as he was in her. Maybe that was why she didn't seem to make time for him, why she usually brought her friends along. Maybe she didn't know how to say she wasn't interested anymore? Maybe she just didn't have time for him? Maybe Nicole was jealous and making her feel guilty?

He sat down on the bench, breathing heavily, and pulled his helmet off, watching the cheerleaders take their spot to rally the crowd. Jana didn't even appear to look at him once during the routine, and that made him nervous. He usually caught her looking at him at least once - and then she'd cross her eyes at him, or stick out her tongue before cracking up into giggles. Had he ended things this afternoon without really meaning to? Was she going to ignore him now?

"Man, you don't have to take out the whole team, okay?" Mickey teased, dropping next to him on the bench. "Leave one or two players for the rest of us, okay?" Kevin just glanced sideways to Mickey and wiped the sweat off his forehead with his forearm. "Shit, Kev, it's just a game."

"Leave it alone, Mike," Kevin grumbled, watching the cheerleaders finish.

Mickey burst into laughter, turning his head to see what Kevin was watching. "Oh, man! You're takin' the other team out because you can't get any from Jana?"

Before he knew it, Kevin had Mickey's jersey in a fist, pulling him closer with a growl. "Shut up about her, you got it?" Mickey just blinked in shock and nodded, swallowing heavily at the surprise attack.

"Richardson!" Coach Niece bellowed a few steps away, making Kevin release Mickey. "Save it for the game!"

"Find your own ride home, Mickey," Kevin said, getting up and moving away from him. He pretended to get some water on the opposite side of the bench and squatted down in front of the cooler, trying to pay attention to the game.

No girl had ever gotten him this confused or frustrated before. No matter what, he'd always been able to concentrate during a game. Now he just wanted to get out there and hit anything that got in his way…why? Why did this bother him this much? So what? She's just a girl! Just some stupid girl that wouldn't go further than kissing no matter what he tried!

Truthfully, that hadn't bothered him until just now. He knew he was just trying to find a reason to be angrier with her so it wouldn't bother him that she was ignoring him. But it did bother him. A lot. It wasn't like they were some kind of major-couple, or anything…although sometimes….

'Come on, Jeremy…' he willed the quarterback, 'screw up so I can get out there and make a few more tackles!'


"So?" Her voice was behind him as he came out of the locker room.

"So, what?" he asked as he turned toward her, his voice having an edge he didn't intend.

Jana shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Never mind."

As she started in the opposite direction, he called her name. "Wait." She turned back to him with an expectant expression, but was still clearly annoyed. "Want me to drive you home?" He must have had the same shocked expression she did. That hadn't been what he meant to say…but 'I'm sorry' hadn't come out of his mouth.

"Not if you're going to be a dick," she answered, waiting.

'Okay, I deserved that,' he thought. "Maybe we can talk."

"Maybe." She started walking towards him, and when he went to hold her hand, she switched her bag to that side and looked straight ahead.

Once they were in the car, sitting in silence, he paused with the key in the ignition. "Do you have to go home right away?"

She kept looking out the window and shifted in the seat. "Depends."

"On what?"

"On whether or not I want to be in your company." She looked over and waited for a response. "Because all afternoon you've been a creep, and I don't think I want to be given a guilt trip for comforting my best friend."

He scoffed and started the car. "Yeah, and which relative died this time?"

"Her grandmother."

He could tell she was serious. "Oh, shit," he mumbled. "I didn't know."

"You didn't want to know either," she added with an edge in her voice. "And you didn't want to listen when I tried to tell you."

"Well, Jana," he started, "it's not like it's something unusual for Nicole to have some kind of excuse to make you not to hang with me."

"Is that what's pissing you off?" she asked in shock.

"Yeah, that's what's pissing me off," he admitted with a sigh, feeling as if he might be giving away too much. Everyone kept saying he shouldn't get too involved so soon, but why bother trying to fight it? It was pretty obvious to him. Wasn't it obvious to her? "Every time I want to do something, you always seem to have some excuse for not wanting to do it. If it's not Nicole, it's your dance lessons, or you have to be home, or…"

"Oh, dear God," she exclaimed, dropping her head back to look up at the roof of the car. "Don't you think I'd like nothing better than to blow some of this crap off and just be a normal tenth grader? It would be heaven to just sit around and hang with my boyfriend for hours on end, but I'm not going to become one of those girls that give up her entire personality just because she has a date! I can't get my parents to increase my curfew…believe me, I've tried…and I've worked too hard at dance to just stop now! I'm not going to give up everything I've been doing for the last sixteen years to be the girlfriend of a senior. I just don't have the time in my schedule to solely be your girlfriend. Shoot me."

"Slow down, girl!" he exclaimed, reaching over to take her hand and squeeze it. "Chill out, already!" He looked over at her and tried to smile.

"Oh, like you've been chilling out? Half the Franklin team has a personalized bruise from you!"

"Yeah, well, that's 'cause I'm pig-headed and stupid…and 'cause I thought the girl I liked didn't like me back anymore." He hoped there wouldn't be a streetlight anytime soon, so she wouldn't see him blushing.

"As if!" she mumbled, turning to look out the window with a sigh.

"I didn't know there was so much pressure involved with your schedule, Jan. I thought you were just…"

"Superwoman?" she interjected, glancing over to him.

He hesitated a moment and lifted a shoulder. "Well, yeah, I guess I did."

"Sorry to disappoint you," she mumbled wearily.

He could hear how tired she was. "Stop," he said gently, "I just wasn't thinking about it from your point of view." He'd been looking at it only from his own perspective, wishing she would spend more time with him, but the more he thought about what she was doing, the more he realized how busy she really was. He reached out again, and this time, she let him take her hand. "I'm sorry. I was an asshole."

"You forgot spoiled," she added with a hint of tease…but just a hint.


Kevin could feel his muscles releasing and his head getting lighter as he handed the joint over to Jimmy and held his breath a moment. Back by the Meadow Garden, a small group had gathered to celebrate the final game of the season. They hadn't had a stellar year, but individually, they'd all had a good season. The party wasn't a huge blow out, but these were the people Kevin had started playing football with in junior high. Most were good friends, and they'd brought along their girlfriends. He hadn't been expecting Jana since she'd had some dance thing, but when he exhaled, he focused in on her coming up the path.

She paused, looking slightly confused, and then walked over to sit on the log next to him. He was already drunk, the pot making him slightly giggly and unsteady, but he attempted to be calm and lifted his chin up to accept a quick kiss hello. She put her hand in his hair, awkwardly smiling as she looked around the fire at the drunken and/or stoned people.

"I didn't think you were coming," he said cheerfully, attempting to shift up to sit closer to her.

"Yeah," she answered, biting her bottom lip nervously, "well…I got home from Richmond earlier than I thought."

"Cool." He draped his arm across her shoulder and kissed her more fully, rubbing her shoulder. "Want something to drink?"

"No, that's okay." Her palms were flat against each other, and she slid them between her knees, lifting her shoulders up in the chill of the night.

"You cold?" He moved closer to offer warmth, but she remained fairly stiff next to him. She shook her head, and Kevin glanced to where she was looking, seeing Mickey glaring at them. "Come on. Let's go for a walk."

It was an attempt to make her feel more comfortable, but he knew he was nowhere near steady on his feet. Still, he managed to take her hand and head further down the small path to the dirt road and walk along the curve away from the others. "So? How'd it go?"

"Fine." She was definitely keeping her distance from him. "I, um…don't think I'm gonna stay, Kevin."

"Why?" That came out whinier than he wanted. "You just got here."

"I'm a little out of place, I think."

"I'll stop drinkin'," he promised, placing a hand over his heart.

She slowed down and released his hand. "What about smokin', Kev? I didn't think you were…like that."

He furrowed his eyebrows to focus on her and his head tilted back slightly. That small motion made the earth shift beneath his feet, and he stumbled slightly. "Like what?"

"Well…not like that, just…I didn't know that you…smoked pot."

"Not a lot," he said quickly. "Once in awhile. Just to chill, you know? Why? Is that a big deal?"

She hesitated, shoving her hands in the pockets of her jacket. "I don't really know," she answered slowly. "I never thought about it."

"So, what are you thinking about it now?"

"That I feel pretty stupid."

"Aw, come on…" he cooed, reaching his hand out to her. "Don't. It's not like I do it all the time." He wiggled his fingers, still reaching out to her, and tilted his head slightly. At this point, he wasn't sure if it was the drug and alcohol, or if it really was that dark that he could barely see her. Maybe she couldn't see him reaching out his hand. "Jan? Please? Take my hand. We can talk about this, okay? We'll take a walk…get some air…" She was still standing there. He could see that much, but she wasn't moving. "Don't go home yet. I want you to hang out with us."

"I don't…I'm not like…" she finally said. "I don't understand why you like me, Kevin."

Taking a step closer, he reached his hand out again. "Because you're not like them. Maybe that's why I do. Ever think a' that?"

"Not really. I just figure you might be more interested in someone that's a little more…outgoing."

"You're plenty outgoing," he encouraged, taking another step forward, able to put his hands on her waist now. "You're pretty, an' your smart, an' you don't do stuff just to be cool. That's pretty cool."

"Even if that means your friends think I'm a geek?"

He laughed and slipped his arm around her shoulder, starting a slow pace along the road. "Dang, Jana, most of my friends are geeks. Hell, I'm a geek. What difference does it make?"

"You're totally not a geek, Kevin," she said softly, sounding almost embarrassed.

"Well…not all the time," he giggled, trying to hide his unsteady footsteps from her. "But enough." She scoffed, and he stopped as they came under a motion detection light, wincing at the sudden brightness. "Do me a favor?"

"What?"

"Kiss me." He turned towards her and leaned in, slowly kissing her.

When she pulled back, the light had gone out, and she laughed teasingly. "You are so wasted, aren't you?"

"I'm completely fucked," he admitted. "But I still know what I'm doin'. And I like it." He leaned in to kiss her again, pulling her a little tighter against him. "Still want to go home?"

"Um…"

He smiled to himself, knowing she was flustered. Taking advantage of it, he moved in for another kiss, sliding his hand down her spine, placing it at the small of her back, and pulled her against him a little more. He then leaned in, whispering into her ear, "Don't go home yet, okay?" before kissing her neck.

"Let's keep walking, Kevin," she managed to say between swallowing heavily, and he silently admitted to himself how proud he was that he'd made her flustered.

"Why?" he teased playfully, another giggle escaping. "Maybe we should sit down instead."

"That depends," she said. "Is that because you can't walk, or for some other reason?"

He giggled again. "All of the above?" He started walking, trying to move towards the rock overhang and not trip over the boulders in the dark. Wherever Jimmy had gotten his stash, it wasn't the usual blend...this time it was hitting him harder than ever before.

"Let's go back," she decided, stopping and slipping her hand into his.

"Jan…"

"Please, Kevin?" He wasn't so far gone not to hear the hesitant fear in her voice. 'Is she still afraid to be alone with me?' "Let's just go back."

"Darlin', nothing's gonna happen." He wavered a bit, standing still, but she didn't move forward. No use. She wasn't going to be alone with him. Maybe he shouldn't have ground his hips against her. "All right," he sighed, moving back down the slight slope. "Fine. Let's go back."

"Don't be mad, Kev."

"You want to go back, we'll go back. That's fine."

"Kevin…"

He reached his hand out and looked down to the ground, not able to see anything in the moonless night. He could tell he was on the dirt road at least, and that was enough for him to know how to go back without killing them both in the dark. "This way."

"I'm sorry…" she said quietly.

He'd made her feel bad. Just the sound of her voice told him that, but it wasn't making a difference. "Sorry for what?" Right now, he didn't feel like being patient, and sooner or later, she would have to trust him.

"I'm just not ready…"

"For what? Being alone with me? Ooh, I'm scary!" he said harshly. "I'm just some strange guy you're dating, right?"

"No, Kevin, you're not," she answered with the same tone. "And that's why I don't want to be alone with you right now."

"Well, that makes no sense." He stopped walking and waited for the earth to stop spinning under his feet.

"It would if you were sober," she grumbled. "Look…I don't want to mess this up with you, but I don't want to do anything that I'm going to regret, and when I'm alone with you, I start wanting to do more than I want because I don't think."

"Ever think that maybe you think too much?"

"No."

"What am I going to do to you, Jana? Huh? What do you think is going to happen?"

"Something I'm not ready for, and if you can't deal with that, then find someone else to date."

He listened to heavy footsteps walk away from him as his shoulders dropped. With anger and frustration, he slowly realized the pressure he was putting on her. "Jana, wait…" he called moments later, but he still heard her walking on. "Would you slow down?" He started after her and jogged slightly to catch up. She kept walking, but he put his arm around her shoulder and fell into step. "I don't want someone else," he said, slowing their pace slightly. "Okay? No pressure." She seemed to scoff, but slowed down. "No pressure, Jana. Promise."


"I can't believe you haven't…" Nicole started, but Jana just shook her head to quiet her. "But he kisses good, doesn't he?"

This time Jana grinned broadly and nodded. "Amazing. I swear I could kiss him for hours and not get bored."

"He might," Nicole quipped, nudging Jana's shoulder as they walked down the hallway to their next class. "Oh, look…there's Frank Hill. Dang, he's so pretty."

"Why aren't you following him today? You have three minutes before the bell."

"We're getting together in study hall," she boasted proudly, squaring her shoulders. "In the library."

"You know where the library is?" Jana teased with a laugh. "Want me to draw you a map?"

"I'll just follow Kevin after class when he goes to meet you. He's got a good ass, too, you know that, right?"

"Yeah, I've noticed. And we go there and study, for the record."

"Yeah, right… You would. I'm telling you, Jan. All you have to do is go to the Biography section and no one sees you."

Jana turned and lifted an eyebrow. "Uh, apparently, you would."

"I'll be otherwise occupied, dear," she giggled. "Maybe we could double Friday? Meet at the Bend or something?"

"I'll check with Kevin. Not sure if he had plans or something, and I've got a late rehearsal."

"I don't know where you get the energy. I barely manage to do my homework."

"My incentive is that the sooner I'm done, the sooner I can see Kevin," she laughed.

"I'd quit everything and just see the boyfriend."

"And then what? When he graduates next year and goes off to do whatever he goes off to do? Then what? I sit around doing nothing?"

Nicole glanced at her curiously. "Next year? You think it's that serious? Don't you think he's going to go off to college and date college girls?"

Jana shrugged. "He hasn't mentioned going to college." She was still wondering about that, actually. He always avoided the whole conversation, made a joke about failing to stay in school with her, or just changed the topic altogether. The only time he'd talked about what he'd do after graduation, he'd said 'Air Force', but she wasn't even sure how serious he'd been about that, either. It'd never came back up.

Nicole looked amazed, almost shocked. "He's not going for a scholarship?" Jana just shrugged. She didn't know about that, either. "Wow, and I thought I wasn't prepared, and I have two years to decide. How does he deal with you? You've got your whole life planned out, don't you?"

"Maybe he'll just come with me to New York and be an actor." Nicole laughed, but Jana didn't. "Why's that so funny? Haven't you heard him sing? He's good."

"Jana…he's from Irvine. No one from Irvine ever does anything."

"Thanks a lot!"

"You know what I mean," she said easily, slipping into the desk next to Jana's.

"Whatever." Sometimes, it seemed like Nicole didn't understand that there was life outside of these hallways. Jana knew she was getting out of here and going to New York no matter what. She'd been working since she'd been seven years old towards this. Her mother had taken her to Lexington for a ballet, and she'd been aiming towards dancing ever since. It never crossed her mind that she wouldn't do it. It just was. It was a given, and nothing and no one was going to change her mind.


"Nicole's got a boyfriend?" Kevin asked, watching her and Frank head off toward the Biography section.

"For now," Jana said, glancing at them before looking back to her notebook. Kevin snickered and she looked up at him. "What?"

"You're her best friend?" he asked playfully.

"So? That doesn't mean I have to agree with everything she says or does," she snapped, turning the page harshly.

With a low whistle, Kevin sat back and looked at her with surprise. "What's gotten under your skin today?"

"Nothing," she grumbled. "I have a test."

He reached out and placed his hand over hers. "Jan? What's up?"

"Don't you ever study?" she asked with a shake of her head. "How did you get to be a senior and never study?"

"Jana, I'll worry about my grades, okay?" he answered quickly.

She folded her arms over her notebook and looked at him. "Where are you going after you graduate, Kevin?"

"You sound like my father." He folded his arms and turned his head away, clearly annoyed with the question.

"But you never really answer that question, Kevin."

"Because I don't have one, Jana," he told her, looking firmly at her. "I don't know what I'm doing after I graduate. I might just take a year off and see what happens. I might join the Air Force. I might…I don't know. Do whatever. What does it matter?"

"Because maybe I happen to care?" she said sarcastically.

"If I make any decision, I'll let you be the first person to know, okay?" he snapped. "Do I have run it by you now, too?"

She sighed and turned back to her notebook. "Never mind. Forget I asked." She sat with her leg shaking beneath the table, attempting to study but not able to focus. She wasn't sure where the hostility came from, on either side, and hated the silence between them even if she always teased that that was the purpose of meeting in the library.

"Jan, look, I'm sorry, okay?" he said, lowering his voice. "I'm just getting a lot of shit about it from home and don't want to get into it with you."

She looked up into his gentle green eyes a bit hesitantly. "I didn't mean to get into anything. I was just asking because you don't talk about it. I want to know if I have to worry about you chasing college freshman next year." She cracked a teasing smile and tilted her head.

"Only if you're planning on graduating really early and become a college freshman," he answered, looking at her through his bangs falling over his forehead. "Are you trying to tell me something?"

"No. I told you. I'm graduating and going to The American School of Ballet or Julliard. Want to audition for any of those?"

"Not a chance," he chuckled. "Too much pressure for me."

"Oh, yeah, and the Air Force would be a piece of cake!"

"They tell you when you get up, eat, sleep, shit…no brainer!" he laughed.

"So, why haven't you signed up yet?" Just asking the question made her heart skip a beat. Something about him joining the military scared her.

He shrugged. "I guess I'm holding out for something better to come along."

"Like what?"

"If I knew, I'd be doing that instead."

He dropped his books on the chair next to the front door and headed towards the kitchen, lost in his own thoughts. He was fine with Jana, but her questions about what he was going to do after graduation had put him in a foul mood. He knew he had to make a decision, but every time he thought about it - a decision that would affect the rest of his life - the rest of his life… He wasn't ready to make it yet without knowing what was exactly out there, and he had no real idea how to find out.

"Bad day?" Anne asked, looking over the banister into the kitchen.

"Not really," he answered quickly.

She finished coming down the steps and shook her head. "Doesn't look that way."

"Just thinking, Mama. And I have to get ready for work."

"Everything okay with school?"

"Yeah, fine." He rummaged through the cabinets looking for something to snack on.

"Jana?"

"Mama," he turned and looked at her with a slight smile, "everything is fine."

Anne leaned against the counter and watched him. "You have that look. Sure there's nothing on your mind?"

"I didn't say there wasn't anything on my mind. I just don't need to get into it right now, again."

"Get into what again?" she asked with a mischievous grin.

He couldn't help but smile at her as he dropped his shoulders in defeat. "Jana asked me what I was going to do after graduation, okay?" Anne made an understanding moan and nodded. "Yeah, I know," he grumbled in return.

"What'd you tell her?"

"Same thing I tell you and Dad - I don't know yet. And I'm really kind of tired of thinking about it all the time."

"Well…" Anne began.

"I know. I have to," he grumbled, rolling his eyes. "Dad tells me every day."

"You have a wide range of options, Kevin."

"Community college, the Air Force, finding a full time job," he listed tiredly. "I know. And while I stand here not making a decision, I'm going to be late for the job I already have." He kissed Anne's cheek and headed upstairs, trying to avoid the conversation for the second time today. The right thing was out there. He was certain of it, but he just didn't know what exactly, or how to find it.