July

'Paradise' wasn't working out the way Kevin had hoped. They practiced, but not enough, and sometimes, he felt as if he was the only one taking the band seriously. Tonight was one of those nights, even if no one else seemed to notice the massive mistakes they'd made. At least the gig had been inside in the air conditioning, but as he loaded his keyboards into the car, he felt as if the humidity would actually be able to hold the weight of it should he let go. And as he looked at his car, he didn't relish the thought of driving home without air conditioning, either.

"What's the hurry?" Hannah asked coming out after him.

He smiled over his shoulder as he finished sliding the keyboards into the backseat. "Got plans."

"Oh? And what kind of plans does Future Rock Star have so late in the evening?" She headed over towards him and leaned against the passenger side, flipping her blonde bangs out of her eyes with a grin.

He walked around to the driver's side, but leaned on the roof of the car. "I'm meeting my girlfriend."

Hannah lifted an eyebrow curiously and smiled. "Now why haven't I ever heard about a girlfriend before? Is she a new girlfriend?"

He smiled, still flirting, but wondering if he should, considering her behavior. He'd been flirting with Hannah for weeks now, but it had always only been in fun. He never thought she'd take it seriously. "No, it's going on just about…" he considered a moment, "just a little less than a year now."

"And she let's you out of her sight?" Hannah teased. "Someone like you? She's either real trusting, or real stupid."

"She ain't stupid," he answered with a shake of his head.

"Why don't you just come inside for one quick drink?" she asked with a tilt of her head and a coy smile. "You always just rush right on out of here."

Shaking his head, he declined. "Nah, I really…I have plans to meet up with her."

"You make it sound like it's some kind of event." She moved to sit on the hood of the car and wiped her hand over her forehead. "She don't get out much or something?"

"It's…complicated." Somehow he felt that explaining that his girlfriend had a curfew would only supply some kind of ridicule, and Hannah wasn't really holding back tonight. There was flirting, but she'd never followed him outside before.

She snickered as she tilted her head back slightly before turning to look at him. "She's underage," she said matter-of-factly.

"Then you did know I had a girlfriend?" he questioned.

"There's been talk, yeah," she answered casually, turning away from him. "And I just figured you might be interested in hanging out with someone who's a little…older, for a change."

"Older?" he chuckled, shaking his head. "I'm…intrigued, but…sorry, I have plans."

"Well," she jumped off the hood and smoothed her hair off her face again, "if you change your mind…" Coming around to the driver's side, she leaned up and placed a long kiss on his lips. "Call me. I don't live at home with mama and daddy." She tapped his lips with a finger, lifted an eyebrow and sauntered back towards the bar, looking over her shoulder once with a sly smile.

He got into the car and stuck the key into the ignition, but stopped, realizing he wasn't breathing and the rest of him was at attention. He dropped his head back on the headrest and exhaled deeply, closing his eyes tightly already admonishing himself. 'You just need to get a grip…okay, wrong choice of words…" He forced himself to breathe. 'Chill out, dude. A quick lay ain't worth it, and Hannah would most likely give you a disease… You got a good thing going. Let it go.'


"Stop it, Kevin! I mean it!" Jana pushed his shoulder and pulled back from him, smoothing her hair back off her face. "Maybe I should just go back to Nicole's."

He dropped his head back against the log behind them and dropped his hands over his stomach, blinking up at the stars through the patches of leaves overhead. The Bend was virtually empty, and the usual bonfire wasn't burning because of the heat, so they were in almost complete darkness. His heart raced, and he could feel his erection shrinking with each annoyed breath he took.

"What the hell is going on with you tonight?" she whispered angrily, inching slightly further back from him and smoothing her tank top nervously.

"Jana…look, I'm sorry, okay?" he mumbled, knowing he should feel sorrier for trying to push her further.

He could hear her scoff in the shadows and back away even further. "Try sounding like it," she snapped quietly before standing up. "Will you take me, or should I wait for Nicole?"

"No, Jan…don't…" He sat up and reached his hand out for her, but she backed off further. "Jana, please." He exhaled deeply, feeling the guilt creep into his chest. "Really, I'm sorry. I am." At least she didn't back away again, and he moved to sit on the log, stretching his hand out to her again. She hesitated, but he kept it outstretched until she slid her hand into his, and he gently brought her to sit next to him on the log. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't push, I know."

"Then why are you?" she whispered, keeping her back stiff, but her voice wavering. "You said everything was okay, and that you understood. You said it wasn't an issue…why are you making it one now?"

"I'm not…at least, I don't mean to, Darlin'," he said, trying to keep his voice soft and low so no one else around them could eavesdrop. "Honest…I don't mean to. Just that, sometimes…I don't know. I can't help it. I don't know how we can be this close to somethin' and turn it off. You seem into it, I'm into it, and suddenly it's no-no-no, and I don't know how my hand being here or here makes that much of a difference."

"It does," she whispered firmly. "It makes me uncomfortable. It makes feel like I'm going too far."

"Nothing can happen," he sighed heavily, looking back up to the stars for them to somehow give him strength.

"Until one thing leads to another thing and that leads to another thing," she countered. "I give in to one thing, you try another…when do I get to say no and you take me seriously without it starting some kind of fight, Kevin? 'Cause all it does lately is start some kind of fight."

He leaned his elbows on his knees and dropped his forehead into his hands with a sigh, knowing she was right. Hannah hadn't helped matters tonight. There was a sure thing, and here he was fighting for every inch of advancement.

"I mean…if this is what's going to keep happening, than maybe…" She stopped speaking for a long moment, and he could hear her take a short, quick breath. "Maybe we should just…"

He sat up and twisted slightly, put his arms around her and pulled her against him gently. "I'm sorry, Jana," he said, lowering his head to whisper into her ear. Her arms slowly wrapped around his waist, and he felt her sigh against him. She was probably just as confused and frustrated as he was, he considered. 'Girls get frustrated too,' he asked himself, 'don't they?' "I'll slow down. Promise. I don't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"I don't do it on purpose, you know," she whispered against him.

"I know." He pulled back slightly and looked down into her face before kissing her gently. "Neither do I."

"I know," she sighed, reaching up to slide her fingers through his bangs. "Just give me a little more time, okay?"

All he could do was nod. If he could speak, it would have been a groan of 'how much more time do you need?' and that wouldn't help matters at all. He did say he understood, and he did usually - when the rest of his body wasn't aching for the physical contact. 'Copping a feel' was losing its luster, and trying anything else was getting him less than that lately. Any movement of his hand below her waist was met with 'no' or just her moving his hand back to her waist or knee. Did that mean she wasn't enjoying it, or did it mean she was enjoying it too much and was embarrassed? He had no idea anymore if anything he was doing was right or wrong.

As he smoothed his hand down her hair, he sighed heavily, looking through the tree trunks that surrounded them. "I think I might quit the band," he found himself saying.

She pulled back slightly. "What?"

"I don't think they're really into it as much as I am," he continued with a lift of his shoulder. "I'm tired of practicing and being the only one that cares what we sound like. That's probably why they were looking for someone. Once they get someone, they figure out they're just fooling around and don't plan on really doing anything."

"Is that why you've been so grumpy lately?" she asked, taking his hand and smoothing her free hand over his forearm.

'Is it?' he wondered, never having really considered quitting until just this very second. He wasn't even 100% sure why he'd said it in the first place. "I guess."

"There's other bands out there that would kill to have you," she told him, and he could hear the belief in her voice. Why the hell did he let himself get so caught up in the physical thing when even after the argument they'd just had, here she was full of confidence and belief in him. "And now that you've had some experience, it should be easier, right?"

"Jana? What happens if you don't get into that ballet school?" he asked curiously.

"I don't know," she answered without hesitation, still caressing his arm lazily. "I don't like to think about it. I'll just keep trying until I do, I guess. My dance teacher just got the application for the American School of Ballet, and we've been re-doing my audition piece." She settled closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder as he put his arm around her. "Kev?" She reached up and placed her hand into his. "Why didn't you go to Florida?"

"How do you know about Florida?" He would have pulled back to look at her, but he was too comfortable. All she did was shrug beneath him and hold his hand more tightly. "I don't know," he answered quietly. "Just doesn't seem like the right thing right now."

"You have so much talent, though. Don't you think you might have a better chance there?"

She sounded scared, asking the question, and he pulled her closer. "Maybe, but not right now. There's a lot of places that might give me a better chance, but I'm not unhappy with my chances here."

"I just…" She slid her hand out from his and clasped her hands together. "I don't want to…I mean, if I'm..." She sighed and dipped her head slightly. "If you wanted to leave, I'd understand."

"If I want to leave, you'll be the first one to know," he said, holding her closer against him and kissing the top of her head. 'But oh how it feels so real/Lying here with no one near/Only you and you can't hear me/When I say softly, slowly…' Leave? No, this wasn't perfect, but it was as close to perfect as he'd ever been, and he wasn't going to leave this behind. 'Hold me closer tiny dancer…'


August

Nicole rolled her eyes and sighed with a shake of her head. "How can you feel closer to someone than having sex?" she asked matter-of-factly. "There is no way to get closer."

"Yes, there is!" Jana admonished with a playful smack. "And you know it! Just because I'm not spreading my legs for him doesn't mean we can't get close emotionally. And I happen to think that's more important than sex."

Nicole wasn't looking at her, just shaking her head and tiredly rolling her eyes. "Yeah? What does Kevin think?"

"Ever since we had that talk at the Bend a few weeks ago, he's really slowed down and hasn't even attempted anything more than…well, the usual."

"A good-night kiss?" Nicole asked with a lift of her eyebrow.

"No! Jesus, Nicole! There's more to life than sex!"

"Coming from someone who hasn't had it, you'd think that," she giggled. "But if you knew what you were missing, you'd think differently. Really, Jan…what the heck are you waiting for? You're in love with him, right? You think he's in love with you, right? Why waste the chance to lose your virginity with someone like Kevin? He's good looking, he'd care about what you were feeling, he'd be gentle. And later on in life, when you looked back at it, you'd be real glad that you had this opportunity."

Jana sat back, biting into the chocolate chip cookie she grabbed from the plate on her bed. "And what makes you so sure that if I wait, I won't have the same thing? What if we wait and I end up marrying Kevin anyway?"

Nicole burst into loud laughter and fell back onto the mattress. "Oh, give me a break, Jana!" She sat back up and dropped her jaw. "Marriage? Jana! You're barely seventeen!"

"So?" She shrugged, growing more annoyed.

"So! He's not getting married anytime soon, I can tell you that! And neither are you!"

"Says who?"

"You!" She poked Jana's shoulder before grabbing a cookie. "Ms. New York Ballet Dancer! How do you expect to be married and live in New York and be a dancer if you're married to Kevin-Po-Dunk-Richardson? Commute back and forth?"

"Uh, he's not rooted to Irvine, you know. Why wouldn't he come with me to New York?"

"And do what? Be Mrs. Mom?"

"Shut up! He has a lot of talent and you know it! He'd be on Broadway!"

Nicole laughed again and finished the cookie. "Dang, you really do dream big, don't you?" She looked up to Jana and smiled. "And why would he follow you to New York if you ain't puttin' out for him now? There's only so far a guy will travel on a promise, you know."

Jana leaned back against the headboard and shook her head. "You just don't get it. We do more than just grope at each other, Nic. We actually talk, and we talk about New York, and going there together, and what we really want to do…and he doesn't think I'm dreamin' 'big.' He believes I can do exactly what I want. And I believe he's going to do exactly what he wants to…once he figures out what it is."

"Yeah," Nicole scoffed, "he's a real go-getter so far. Most everyone we know is heading off to college, and where's Kevin going? Oh, that's right! No where. He's landscaping with Jimmy. Now that's ambition."

"Ever think he might be waiting until I can leave? And we can leave together?" Jana asked, folding her arms. "Because he had the chance to move to Florida and didn't go."

"When?" Nicole asked curiously.

"After graduation," she informed her. "And I asked him about it last month. He didn't go."

"Why the hell not?" Nicole exclaimed in horror.

"Thanks!"

"No…not… Dang, Jana, anyone that gets a chance to book it on out of Irvine should just take it! You don't get many chances!"

"Like I said, maybe he's waiting for me, and we'll go to New York together."

"Does he know of these grand plans you have?"

"We've talked about it, yeah."

"And you've talked about marriage and he's not ran away screaming?"

"We haven't necessarily talked about marriage, but we've talked about living together. While we're not having sex, we do that. Talk, you know." She couldn't hide a smile when she talked about being with him. " We sit out by that patch of wild flowers up in the Domain, and we look at the stars…"

Nicole mocked her by shaking her head side to side and laughed as she tossed one of the throw pillows from the bed at her. "You sound like a Hallmark commercial."

Jana caught the pillow, holding it to her chest, still smiling. "I think you might actually just be a little bit jealous, Nicole."

Nicole sat up and dropped her chin, lifting an eyebrow. "If you knew exactly what you were missing, you'd know that you should be jealous of me. Because when I do get married, I'm going to have so much experience, I'm going to blow my husband's mind with my talent…in bed!" She giggled. "You'll be all nervous and scared, and fumblin' around, and I'm just going to make my husband never want to leave the bedroom. Like Jerry Hall said, you need to be a cook in the kitchen, a maid in the living room and a whore in the bedroom to keep your man happy."

"If you're a Barbie doll," Jana said, rolling her eyes.

"I was thinking of dying my hair blonde," Nicole giggled.

"You're hopeless! Hopeless!"


September

"Let's look at some stars," Kevin said, still holding Jana's hand as he knelt down in the long grass. The moon was full and bright, and tonight, they didn't need any flashlight to see the paths. She laughed slightly as she knelt next to him.

He lay back, folding one arm behind his head, and waited for Jana to rest against his shoulder. If they stayed in the car, he was going to start pushing for more, knowing she wasn't ready, and getting out into the cooler air was a good distraction. At least, he hoped it would be, but instead of resting on his shoulder like she had once before, she rested her head on his belly.

Aside from the nighttime noises of crickets and frogs, Kevin could hear his heart pounding in his chest, feeling Jana so close to his groin. It was almost impossible to keep his thoughts focused on the millions of stars overhead or what Jana was saying to him while his mind was occupied with silent begging for Jana to move just a few inches lower… shift just a little bit… He was aware of his hand mindlessly fiddling with the strands of hair in her ponytail as he looked up to the sky counting stars, looking at leaves…anything that would keep his mind off of the other thoughts in his head.

"…Kev? Hello? You didn't fall asleep on me, did you?"

"No," he said, choking on his own voice, and trying to figure out some way to make her either move lower or higher, so he could free his mind. Somehow, he found his hand on her shoulder and nudged her slightly upwards, knowing that nudging her any other way was going to be an argument or the end.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said quickly. "Was I hurting you?"

He only shook his head as he placed her head down on his shoulder gently. "This is just…better…for me."

Suddenly, she seemed to understand, and she stiffened up next to him, embarrassment creeping into her voice. "Oh…Oh! I'm sorry…I wasn't…"

"It's okay," he said, trying not to let the frustration filter into his voice. "This is just…better. I can pay more attention to what you're saying this way." She was still uncomfortable, so he wrapped his arm around her more tightly and inhaled deeply. "What were you saying? Something about New York?"

"I can see us both making it in New York," she answered, settling against him.

"Just New York? Why not the rest of the world?"

"Well, I was starting small," she teased, poking his side.

"Oh, no, don't start that!" he laughed, grabbing her wrist. "You'll so regret that."

"Regret what?" she asked, playing innocent as she shifted to poke him with her other hand. "You're not ticklish, are you?"

"Like you don't know!" He rolled over, grabbing her other hand and sitting on her legs. "And I also know that you're more ticklish than me. So, now you're screwed!" He leaned in, both hands grabbing her hips as she squealed for him to stop. "You can dish it out, but you can't take it, can you? Huh? Huh?"

He leaned down closer, nuzzling her neck instead of tickling her, running his hands up her torso and lying down on top of her. He could feel her leg wrap around one of his and a newly released hand slide down his back, resting at the waist of his jeans, joined by her other hand. It was just natural to lightly thrust with her hands resting there, but this time, unlike the other times that'd happened, she didn't back away. Her own hips rose to meet him, and her fingers slid into the belt loops of his jeans.

His kisses became stronger, and Jana still wasn't backing away, even when his hands slid under the sweatshirt to fondle her breasts, or when he slipped her sweatshirt over her head and left it under her head. When he unclasped her bra, she reached out and pulled his shirt over his head, and pulled him close to her as he took a nipple in his mouth. He reached down to unbutton her jeans, but her hand quickly landed on top of his with a gasping, breathless 'no.'

He rolled next to her into the grass, reeling with excitement and frustration. It felt as if the world were spinning around him, and all he could do was hold onto the dew-laden grass to keep from spinning off before he heard her quietly apologizing next to him.

He pulled her next to him, kissing the top of her head to quiet her. "We just got carried away," he reasoned, fighting with the rest of his body to slow down. Instead, his hands kept running up and down her bare back, and the gentle kisses started to linger again. His hands were back at the clasp of her jeans and she started to stop him again. This time, he just kept kissing her, and she slid her hand away.

She tensed when he slid his hand over her panties, but he could feel the wetness between her legs. Sliding her jeans down slightly for more room, he ran his fingers over the damp cotton while kissing her deeply and fondling one of her breasts. She gasped beneath him, and he kissed her neck and collarbone, moving his hand beneath her panties now to touch the warm, slick folds of her flesh. He watched her hips rise to his touch and lifted to kiss her, slowly sliding a finger deep inside. She caught her breath and froze, moaning slightly as he slid his finger out.

"Too much?" he whispered in her ear, but she shook her head and released a ragged breath, shifting a bit closer against him as he thrust his finger into the wetness again, a bit faster this time, focusing on her clit when he pulled back out. This time, she bit her lips together and swallowed heavily, seemingly trying to keep from writhing beneath him until he whispered for her to just 'relax and go with it.'

When she gasped with her orgasm, she grabbed onto his wrist and dropped limply to the ground. He kept kissing her deeply, rolling between her legs and rubbing his hips up against her, knowing he'd have to keep his shirt un-tucked later, but it would be a lot less painful than trying to hold back now.

He held his breath as he came, arching his back and leaning up on the palms of his hands. He closed his eyes with the release, opening his eyes to the sky above, unsure if he was actually seeing the stars or if they were just in his head. "…I love you," he heard her say beneath him, catching her breath.

He dropped to his elbows and kissed her again, rubbing his nose against hers with a smile. "I love you, too," he whispered back.


Those green eyes watched her every move, even when she wasn't moving. Just the two of them, lying next to each other in that small bottom bunk in St. Michael's cabin with candles lit around them. He was only wearing his jeans, and she was in a much more compromising position of wearing only her bra and panties, but his skin felt so soft and warm against hers.

"What?" she whispered, feeling herself blush. She lifted an arm up, attempting to cover some part of herself, but he slowly smiled and took her wrist, placing her hand on his belly.

"You're so pretty," he said, moving to cover her, lowering his head to kiss her gently.

She didn't want to think of what was happening, where this might be leading, how she was going to get the courage up to deny her body again, how she was going to say no to him. Especially when he covered her like this, touched her skin softly enough to give her goosebumps. When he kissed beneath her ear, she could barely breathe, feeling a deep arousal between her legs... enough to bring her hips up against his thigh.

Without words, he pulled her onto her side, and his fingers played with the clasp of her bra, freeing her from it. Once it was off, she was on her back, and he fondled her hardening nipples before leaning over to slide his mouth over one of them. She caught her breath and stiffened beneath him, but all the while, it just felt so good.

"God, I want you," he mumbled, moving his kisses to her mouth and his hand along her torso.

She turned her head away to stare at the paneling of the wall and bit her lips together. "I can't."

"You can," he mumbled against her neck. "But won't. I know." But his hands still moved along her body, sliding slowly along the outside of her thighs, across the top of her panties and then down along the inside. Without words, he managed to coax her legs open, his fingers tickling the skin before rubbing over the wetness of her panties. With another sweep of his hand, deep within another kiss, his hands slid beneath the material to the slick flesh between her legs, and she moaned into his kiss as his finger slid along her clit. "God, you're so wet," he whispered, kissing her jaw and neck. "I just want to…" He slid his finger inside of her, and she caught her breath again as he slowly pulled out.

She shook with nerves, not knowing what she was supposed to do, thinking that any movement would give him the idea that she was more willing. If she touched him, it would be more of a tease. And she'd never touched a guy before to know what to do. Nicole had tried to tell her what she should do, showing her with a banana in her kitchen, but Jana just blushed and giggled, trying to change the topic. Nicole hadn't let her. Instead, she'd, peeled the banana and showed her more than she'd wanted to know. She just couldn't do that.

He slid a finger inside of her again, and she held onto the thin mattress, trying to remember how to breathe. This is how teenagers got pregnant, she reminded herself. It just felt too good to say no, and she felt guilty for not saying yes. And if she tried to say anything at this point, it wouldn't make any sense. Her body had a mind of its own, lifting against his hand as she gasped in delight.

"You like that?" he asked quietly against her neck. She nodded, breathing raggedly as he slid his finger in again, and again…and again. "Relax, darlin'," he mumbled before kissing her, mimicking his movements with his tongue. She clutched the mattress harder, spread her legs a bit further and felt the room start to spin as her orgasm took over her body. "Damn, that was sexy," he mumbled, thrusting his hips against her thigh, his breath hard against her shoulder.

What should she do? How was she supposed to do it? She couldn't. Her parents would kill her if they found out. Kevin pressed against her again, and she listened to his breath come quicker against the sound of the crickets. "Just…oh, God," he muttered, closing his eyes and biting his lips together, silent and stiff against her.

"I have to go home," she said quickly, pulling away from him and looking around for her clothes. She was embarrassed and ashamed, guilty and scared. "My father's going to kill me if I'm late."

"Jana…" She had her back to him, fumbling with her bra clasp with shaking fingers. Seconds later, she could feel his lips against her spine and she wanted to sob and scream all at once. He kissed her shoulder and neck as he sat up, leaning his chest against her back and wrapping his arms around her waist before a hand slid up to cup one of her breasts. "I can't hold out forever. Nothing bad would happen…"

"I can't," she said, pulling away and stepping into her jeans. "I told you…"

"It's been a year." He put his hands on his knees and dropped his head. "What's going to convince you…?"


"I can't, Kevin. Please…don't ask me."

He turned his head to the side and exhaled heavily. "I'm not… I'm just…" He bit his lips together, swallowing the frustration forming a solid rock in the pit of his stomach and shook his head. Get out of here before you do something you'll regret! He reached to the end of the bed and grabbed his tee shirt before standing up. "You're gonna be late for curfew. I'll meet you outside." He kissed her quickly and headed out the door, ignoring her eyes as they pleading with him silently to understand.

What the hell are you waiting around here for Kevin? What are you planning on doing with your life? What are you going to do with your life? Sit around here and wait for something to fall into your lap? The only thing that's going to fall into that lap of yours is going to be a baby when you accidentally get her pregnant!

He rinsed his face with water from the outside spigot and attempted to loosen his jaw muscles. And breathe. 'Don't forget to breathe, Kev,' he reminded himself. 'You're just…' What?

He dropped Jana off in an awkward silence, knowing she felt uncomfortable and sorry but unable to soothe her. He wanted to tell her he understood. He wanted to say he didn't blame her. That he respected her choices. Instead, he kissed her briefly and looked straight ahead as she got out of the car with a soft 'goodnight.'

Jimmy was already waiting for him on the porch as Kevin pulled up at the party. All Kevin did was turn the ignition off and sit, watching people mingle on the yard and porch of Nicole's house, trying to clear the clouds in his head. They'd avoided the party to have some 'alone' time, but maybe it would have been better if they found company. Jimmy waited for him a minute before heading over to Kevin's car, closing the passenger door and handing him a beer. "What's up, man?" Kevin barely shook his head, unable to speak through the confusion and frustration. He opened the beer can and took a long swallow. "Everything okay? Jana okay?"

"She…" he started, unable to figure out the words he wanted to say. She what?

"She what, Kev?" Jimmy was concerned now. Confused too.

"It's been over a year, you know?" He looked at Jimmy pointedly and exhaled heavily.

Jimmy cracked a slow smile and shook his head in understanding. "Still nothing, huh?"

Kevin bit the inside of his lip and closed his eyes, knowing it wasn't the point in the grand scheme of things. But it was. Right now. Right now it was a solid block sitting in his throat, at the back of his head, in the center of his stomach… "It's been over a year," was all he could say, shaking his head as he bit the inside of his lip again. "He's right." He glanced back at Jimmy, the words stinging the tip of his tongue. "What the fuck am I doing here? What the hell am I waiting around for?"

Jimmy rested back against the door and settled slightly. "He's on your case again?"

Kevin felt his shoulders drop against the seat and he dropped his head back against the headrest with another sigh. "The second I came home and bitched about work," he groaned, shaking his head against the seat. "The littlest thing I say lately! Every time I open my mouth about anything. 'What are you doing, Kevin? What are you doing with your life, Kevin? Is this what you're going to do for the rest of your life, Kevin?' Like I'm sitting around doing nothing? He wanted me to get a job, I got a job! What the hell more does he want me to do?" He looked up to the darkness of the car roof and sighed again. "And when I even mention going out with Jan… I'm sitting around waiting to get her pregnant according to him." He scoffed bitterly. "Shows just how much he knows Jana! A fucking year and I'm getting nowhere." He looked over at Jimmy for a long while. "What the hell am I doing?"

Jimmy nodded, reaching into his back pocket. He pulled out a small joint and lit up, handing it to Kevin after taking a deep drag. As Kevin inhaled on it, Jimmy answered. "You're not makin' any decisions right now, is what you're doing," he said knowingly. "I know you, man. You're gonna get pushed into a corner, and it ain't gonna be pretty when you push your way out of it. Chill out before it's too late." He gave Kevin a crooked grin as Kevin passed the joint back to him, closing his eyes and nodding in agreement. "Stop thinking for tonight. Chill out. Relax a little and when you have a chance to think, you'll figure it out. You usually do, man. It's in your nature."

"So is sex," Kevin grumbled. "Not that anyone would know it."

Jimmy burst into a laugh and took another drag. "Yeah, well, you picked a good girl, dude. We all could have told you that when you started dating her. She's a project and a half, man, and you've either got balls of steel, or the patience of a saint. Maybe, both?"

"Maybe not," Kevin cracked, feeling his brain slowly start to soften the edges of all those bricks locked in his body. "Maybe I'm just stupid."

Jimmy put his hand on Kevin's shoulder with a smile. "Nah…you're just one of those nice guys. You know, one of them guys with feelings an' shit," he snickered.


Her lips were so soft and inviting. All he could feel was the heat of her hand over his thigh, the heat of her breath as she parted her lips and slid her tongue into his mouth to explore it further. The room was spinning around him with, swirling with the conflicting messages his body was sending him.

Feels good…stop it…wrong…feels so warm…so soft…ready to take it further…can't…wrong…this is so wrong…make it stop…end it…feels so good…just what you wanted…need…

Her hand slid over the bunched up material of his jeans against the strain of his growing erection and she moaned into his mouth. A moan, or a giggle…maybe both? Instead of trying to decide, he ran his hand down her back, over her soft sweater to the strip of skin exposed at the waist. Soft, warm flesh he'd been denied earlier. His groin flinched, his dick reacting to the touches and moans against him. Soft, warm flesh willing to be touched and devoured. Soft, warm flesh ready and waiting for his reaction, accepting his desire.

Feels good…stop it…wrong…feels so warm…so soft…ready to take it further…can't…wrong…this is so wrong…make it stop…end it…feels so good…just what you wanted…need…

She shifted to sit on his thighs, the warmth of her jeans rubbing along his thighs to settle next to his willing erection, grinding against him in a promise of not turning away, turning off, turning back. His hands tangled in the soft tendrils of her hair, pulling her closer to kiss her deeper, to bury the screaming voice inside his head that kept saying stop!

"You have protection, right?" she whispered in his ear, biting the soft skin beneath it before rubbing her body against his again.

He looked at her as she pulled away with a sly smile and he finally heard himself clearly. "Look, uh…" He wasn't saying this… "It's just not…ain't gonna happen." She giggled, leaning in to kiss again, but this time, he turned his head with a heavy sigh and bit his lips together. "I can't do this to Jana."

"She won't have to know," Nicole giggled, turning his head and kissing him again. So good, so willing. He pulled back and put his hands on her arms, pushing her away gently with a shake of his head. Nicole's smile turned into a smirk as she tilted her head. "Oh my God, you're serious?" Her voice lifted in shock. "Jesus, Kevin," she snickered, "what the hell is your problem?" She slid off his lap, shaking her head in disgust.

"Nicole…"

"Get the hell away from me," she spat, turning her back to him. She picked up her beer can and took a deep swallow. "You frickin' deserve each other," she muttered before getting up and leaving him alone in the room. The party continued outside the door, but all he wanted to do was go home, drop into his bed and forget tonight ever happened.


The entire ride up to this point had been spent going over the night, over and over, trying to figure out how things could have happened differently; the conversations, his behavior, events in general. Maybe if he stayed at the diner and not gone to St. Michael's cabin… and Jana! What was this going to do to Jana? How would she understand this? What if he had sat outside under the street light like they usually did and talked about what was going on instead of letting her get out of the car in silence? If he'd gone home, avoided Nicole's party? Told his father to fuck off…but he'd done that in every other sense of the word, hadn't he? Packing up, not listening to reason, not hearing his father say he needed to think this through…ignoring everything to have his own way and do something last night.

Ten miles out of Atlanta, Kevin looked over to Jimmy dozing next to him, coming out of the trance with the song playing on the radio. It was the first classic melody of the piano that pulled him out of his head, and as it continued, his eyes filled with tears.

Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band
Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man
Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand
And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand