August - 1991

"Your foot is going to break before those big bricks do, Kev," Tim said gently behind him. Kevin had been too busy taking out his frustration on the concrete wall in front of him to even notice Tim coming in. Hearing him, Kevin stopped kicking the wall and dropped his forehead against it, willing himself not to turn around and show Tim he was crying. But Tim knew. Kevin felt a hand on his shoulder, turning him, and he broke down even further, falling helplessly against his older brother. "I know, Kev," Tim said, rubbing his hand on the back of Kevin's neck.

"I just…" Kevin started, trying to explain.

"It's okay, Kev. We've all reached our limit at some point."

"How much more, Tim? I mean, what the hell? The cancer isn't enough? He has to have a stroke too? How much more is he expected to take? What kind of sick joke is God playing?!"

"This isn't God, Kevin," Tim corrected. "Sometimes, bad things…"

"Happen to good people," Kevin finished angrily. "That's crap!"

"It's not! Kevin…" Kevin pushed back from Tim and started pacing around the patch of dirt. "Kevin, listen to me!"

"None of this makes sense, Tim! He's been a good father, husband, friend… He doesn't deserve this!"

"No, he doesn't!"

"Then why?" Kevin screamed. "I just want one good reason why!"

"There is none, little brother. I wish I had one, but there just isn't. But it's not God's doing, either."

"Then why is it, huh, when someone dies after suffering, everyone thanks Him for taking that person out of their misery?. But when something happens that doesn't make sense or puts someone through Hell, it's not His doing? So, which is it, Tim? If we're supposed to thank Him for His grace and mercy, why can't we blame Him when he fucks up?"

"Because it's not His doing, Kevin. He's here…he's just not…"

"Bullshit, He's here! He's not here! And if He is? He's fucking up!" He yelled to the distance, looking up and extending his arms out. "Do you hear me? You! Up there? You're fucking up!" He looked back at Tim, and the fury erupted again into tears. "I need a reason, Tim."

Tim shook his head slowly, helplessly. "I can't give you one, bro. I don't have it. But getting angry at God isn't going to change the situation."

"Nothing is, is it?"

Tim just shook his head again. "No…but Kev? It's okay to have a breakdown, alright? We all have at some point." He reached over and grabbed Kevin's shoulder. "Just remember to let it go and not hold onto it. It doesn't do anyone any good."


His father was resting, his mother was out shopping, Tim was out with a friend, and Jerry was at work. The house felt empty and quiet, and Kevin closed his eyes, missing the noise of his apartment in Florida. The room felt dark, even though there was bright sunshine outside. Everything here felt dark to him, and the summer's humidity just seemed to weigh the darkness down. Orlando had oppressive humidity as well, but somehow, it managed to be bright and airy.

He glanced over to the phone and slid closer to it, shifting a little and considering it. Biting his lips together, he reached out, but then he drew his hand back to the armrest, exhaling deeply. 'What would she do if you called?' he asked himself. 'Yell? Would she even talk to you?' There was only one way to find out. He had to pick up the receiver and dial, but when he heard the dial tone, he hung up quickly and backed away. 'So she hangs up on you? What difference does it make? It's not like you're talking now, right?' He leaned over and picked up the receiver again, hanging up again with the sound of the dial tone. 'But she's moved on with her life. Does she even care about you anymore? Maybe you should just move on with your life, too. It's over now. Nothing can change what happened.'

He perked up, hearing his father cough in the next room, listening for something. He figured he'd know what he was listening for if he heard it. But soon, the heavy silence was back, and he sank back against the cushions, looking at the phone again. 'It's just a phone call. Maybe if I explained what happened… Does she want to know what happened anymore? Would she be interested in my reasons? Probably not. She was pretty strong headed about things when she made up her mind, and if she's seeing someone, obviously she's past it. Why dredge it all up again?'

He fell back onto the seat and stared at the ceiling, watching the leaves change the shadows as the breeze blew. 'Because you're still in love with her and you know it,' he answered his doubt. 'Why couldn't you have figured this out sooner? Like when you had her to tell her, Asshole.' He sighed again and watched the shadows awhile longer, trying to clear his head of everything; his father, his family, Florida, Jana, being home, work… As if closing his eyes tightly would make the thoughts disappear.

When he picked up the receiver this time, he dialed a different number altogether. "Hey," he said quietly, hearing Jimmy's voice.

"Kev! How's it going? Everything okay?"

"Yeah, it's fine," he lied. "Just hangin' around, you know. Nothing's changed, man. Not a single thing."

"Except for you, right?" Jimmy chuckled easily.

"Honestly? I don't think so, man. It's like whatever I left behind just caught up to me and dumped itself at my feet like a welcome mat. A very sticky, muddy and smelly welcome mat."

"What the hell happened, Kev?" Jimmy asked, his voice full of concern.

"That's just it, Jim. Nothing. Not a single thing happened. I'm sitting here watching time go by with nothing to do but roam around town and see all the people who have been here forever. And, man, it really sucks to come back here. Like I failed out in the real world somehow." He looked across the room, hearing his father cough again. Lowering his voice, he continued. "Or, they know about Dad and they get that quiet, sad look on their face. I fuckin' hate it."

"Okay, Kev? First of all, you're not back there because you failed in the real world. You're there because you love your father, and your family, and that hometown that you were so homesick about a few months ago. Secondly, people get freaky when they hear the 'C' word, including you, and they all know your dad and your whole family, and they're trying to be supportive. No one knows what to say or do, and they usually say and do the wrong things but mean well when they do. So smile like the polite guy you are, thank them for their concern and let it go." Kevin didn't really respond, but the calm, rational voice was helping. "So, what's Mickey up to these days?"


Jana stood in front of the counter, choosing what flavor ice cream she wanted, when Nicole elbowed her side before grabbing her forearm. "Don't look," she whispered firmly, "but Kevin and Mickey just pulled up out front."

Her heart suddenly pounded against her chest, and she could feel her mouth dry out. She was torn between wanting to cry and wanting to go outside to punch Kevin. She rested her hands against the cold glass in front of her and snuck a sideways look out the storefront window.

His hair was longer, and his skin had a rich tan. He looked broader and his arms had a lot more muscle to them, but regardless of all that, when she forced herself to look at his face, it was Kevin, laughing with Mickey and embracing someone in a welcome home hug. Maybe he would linger long enough for Jana to make her way out of the shop without being seen. She didn't trust herself to speak to him. Pretend to be nice? Hold a grudge? Yell at him? Her mind fluttered with questions and she couldn't be sure which would find its way to her lips.

"Want me to distract him? Nicole offered, leaning over to see.

"Um…" If that was any indication of what would come out if she saw him, Jana definitely didn't want to see him. She was angry, damn it! She didn't want him to know he'd actually hurt her. He'd think she was just some silly high school kid now anyway. Would he be smug about disappearing? Silently crowing to his friends about how he lied to her? How he'd tricked her?

"God, Jana, you're totally white," Nicole whispered. "Look, I'll go outside, and when I get his attention, you go the other way, okay?"

"Yeah…okay," she heard herself answer as she snuck another look out the window. Why did he have to be so gorgeous? Why couldn't she just let the anger hold on instead of the crushed feeling that was growing in her chest?

Nicole smiled sadly to her before she walked out the door, went up behind Kevin and tapped his shoulder, embracing him when he turned around.

Now Jana had to walk away. 'Now,' she ordered herself. 'Before the hug ends. Now. Walk away. Move your feet. Now! Don't do this to yourself. He's not worth it. Just go.'

She slid out the door, trying not to let the bells jingle and call attention to herself. She caught a quick glimpse of Nicole nonchalantly looking past Kevin's shoulder as she made her way around the corner, feeling her entire body shake with every step and her vision blurring until the tears slid down her cheeks.

'It's true,' she thought, leaning against the hot brick wall.,. 'Mr. Richardson must be really sick if it brought Kevin home.' That let more tears slip down her cheeks which she wiped away quickly…just in case. 'Don't let him see you, but if he does, don't even think of letting him see you crying over him.'

She dropped her head back and sighed in confusion. How much longer until she could get out of this stupid, little town? She was sure The American School of Ballet wouldn't be this difficult.


If Nicole was there, that meant that Jana wasn't far behind, and Kevin felt his heart skip a beat. He wanted to be polite and talk to Nicole, but he had the overwhelming feeling to look around and see if Jana was there too, even if he had no idea what he'd say to her. Nicole patted his arm lightly, teasing him about his longer hair and saying he looked good. 'How was Florida?' she asked, and he fought the urge to say 'far from here.' Instead he smiled and said it was great, raved about the weather, doing some local theatre…until last week when he'd gotten that horrible phone call. He left that last part out and asked how things were in Irvine, reminding himself not to bring up Jana unless Nicole did.'

"Are you kidding? How is anything in Irvine? Boring and in the middle of nowhere. You haven't been gone that long, Kev!" she teased, patting his arm again. "You going to be around for awhile?"

"I'm not really sure," he answered, choking back the fear in the answer.

Suddenly, she looked sad, concerned. "Oh, that's right…I'm sorry. I forgot about your father's condition. How is he?"

He nodded and inhaled to get through the question. Eventually he'd be able to answer that without the panic in his chest. "He's doing okay..." '…For a guy with cancer,' he wanted to add. Slower, weaker, thinner…not like his father at all.

"We're all praying for him," Nicole said, leaning in to give him another hug. He wanted to pull back and tell her to quit groping at him. Instead, he patted her back quickly and pulled away with a mumbled 'thank you.' "You going to be hanging around the Bend again? There's a whole new crowd now."

He shrugged, looking to Mickey with that secret 'help' look they had. "Not sure, Nicole."

"Hey, Kev, let's go," Mickey said, knocking his hand into Kevin's arm easily. Kevin nodded to him and looked back at Nicole. "Good to see you, Nicole."

"You too, Kevin." She leaned back against the car and crossed her arms loosely. "You still have my number? Call me."

As he walked away, he looked at Mickey and shook his head slightly. "She hasn't changed much, has she?"

"She drives now," Mickey laughed. "Now she's hitting on everyone in Irvine and the surrounding areas."

"Great," Kevin snickered. "She, um, still friends with Jana?"

Mickey whistled low and tilted his head to the side. "Wow. That was three days before you asked about her. That's pretty good, man."

"What? I'm not allowed to ask? I did date her for over a year, you know."

"Oh, I know," Mickey agreed. "And yes, they're still hanging out. But Jana's over you, dude. She was dating someone all this year." Kevin pursed his lips and nodded without comment. "Well, she wasn't going to sit around and wait for you to come back, Kev. Life goes on, you know? Even in Irvine."

"What?" Kevin asked defensively. "I didn't say anything!"

"You should have hung out a little bit longer," Mickey continued. "She's apparently been taking lessons from Nicole, if you know what I mean."

Kevin nodded again, biting the side of his tongue. It was going to be like this? Being back in the middle of nowhere, watching his father die, with only Mickey around from the old gang to hang out with? Old town gossip about him, gossip about everyone else still here…

"Her boyfriend was talking about it," Mickey continued when Kevin didn't respond.

Kevin shot him a stern look and stopped walking. "Look, Mickey, I don't want to know, okay?"

"Little jealous there, Kev?" he teased, nudging him playfully.

"No," he answered tiredly. "I just have more important things to think about."


The wind was still hot, even after sundown, and Jana had to keep turning her head to get the hair off her face. She felt the back of her throat twinge with the cigarette smoke as she inhaled, trying to make the tears stop. Nicole sat next to her, a hand on her shoulder soothingly, offering her a sip of beer. Jana just shook her head and took another drag of the cigarette.

"I still think you should tell the asshole what a dick he is," Nicole told her. "You'd feel better."

Jana shook her head again. "I think he's got more important things on his mind these days."

"Yeah," Nicole agreed. "It's really got to suck for him, right now. He's close to his dad, isn't he?" Jana felt the tears sting in her eyes again and nodded. "Hey!" Nicole perked up and turned to face her. "Maybe he'll want to get back together with you. I mean, he's going through a rough time…maybe he'll want to have someone around that he really knows!"

"And I should just take him back?" Jana gasped in shock. "After fucking off like he did? He never called, or even wrote to me! He writes to you, but he can't…? Oh, never mind."

"Well, you are still hung up on him," Nicole said, sinking back down comfortably. "I mean, he's pretty enough to forgive just about anything, isn't he?"

Jana shook her head and tossed the cigarette butt into the wind. "No, he's not," she contradicted. "I deserve better than him," she said firmly, trying to convince herself.

"I'm not saying you have to go back into some kind of exclusive kind of thing," Nicole explained. "I'm just saying that you could get back together with him, use him, and do what he did to you, that's all. Get laid and go off to New York and leave him in his little hometown to rot. It's the least he deserves."

Jana dropped her chin and blinked at Nicole. "You're kidding right? His father has cancer, and you want me to play games with him?"

"You think he deserves your pity?"

"He deserves to just live his life," Jana sighed. "I'm the least of his worries."

"Well, if you ask me," Nicole started, "I think he was looking for you when I was talking to him. He asked if he could call me…maybe he wants information on you."

"He wants to call you?" Jana gasped angrily.

This time Nicole shrugged and tossed her cigarette. "Don't get all freaked about it. He didn't say why. If he thinks I'm going to sleep with him, he's dead wrong."

"Can we not talk about this?" Jana asked, trying to keep the tears out of her voice. She still kept hearing Nicole tell her to go all the way with him before he went somewhere else. She'd never dreamed he'd go to her best friend for that reason. It had been everything she could do to speak to Nicole again once she'd told her. She'd said Jana had a right to know what her boyfriend was doing…and she had…but part of her hadn't wanted to. Too many times, Nicole's flippant comments replayed in her head, and she even questioned what Nicole had told her. Kevin had tried really hard to have sex with her…and she knew Nicole too well to think she'd have turned him down. It didn't help that she'd never been able to get an explanation. Kevin had been gone by then.

Would she have broken up with him anyway? What kind of excuse could he have, after all? Her best friend? They still weren't as close as they'd been before. The anger still came back when she let herself think too hard about it. Since then, she'd kept Nicole at a distance and tried not to confide too much in her. New York couldn't come soon enough.

"Sorry," Nicole said. "No, really…I'm really sorry about doing what I did with him. I wish I'd never got that drunk that night."

"Nic, please?" Jana begged. "I don't want to think about it."

Nicole put an arm around her shoulder and squeezed tightly. "Listen, if he calls, I'll tell him to fuck off, okay? I won't even speak to him."

Jana's stomach churned as she thought about what might happen now that he was home. Who he'd talk to, where she'd see him. Jealousy spun in her head, along with regret for not doing more to keep him from cheating on her. Images of what he looked like when he'd lain over her, looking down at her with that silent wish for more behind his eyes. The wish Nicole must have seen that night. Had he made that face he used to make when it was too late to keep from coming? That gasp in his throat with the pleasure of rubbing against her? Had he giggled low in her ear, whispering 'dang it' when it was over, realizing he'd have to keep his shirt un-tucked? Every cell in Jana's body craved to be back there again…she'd make sure it was different. Nicole had been right; she was a prude. Look where her morals had gotten her? What was the point if she'd ended up feeling this awful?

"I'm gonna be sick," she mumbled, moving away from the log and bending over a near-by bush.

"Oh, honey," Nicole cooed at her, rubbing her back softly as she got sick. "He's not worth all that. He's just a stupid guy."

Jana stepped back, humiliated. "I just want to go home," she grumbled, tears in her eyes.

"Shit, Jan," Nicole groused. "I've been drinking. I can't drive you home now."

"I'll walk," Jana answered, walking quickly past Nicole. Too many emotions were flying at her, and she had to leave. Now she could add anger, again, at Nicole for drinking. She just wanted to blink and be curled up in her bed…and not leave the house until September.


"Have you been drinking?" Tom asked, watching Jana strangely.

"No," Jana answered angrily.

Tom stood up and moved closer, peering into Jana's face. "Why are your eyes so blood shot?"

"Daddy," she whined, tears coming to her eyes, "please…not now."

Mary came to the kitchen doorway and watched Jana bolt upstairs. Before Tom could say anything, she lowered her hand to calm him and nodded knowingly.

Awhile later, Jana heard the soft knock on her door. "Baby? You need anything?" Mary opened the door, but Jana was lying on her side, her face towards the window and back to the door.

"I wasn't drinking," she said immediately, her voice congested from crying so hard. Mary moved to sit on the foot of her bed, resting her hand on Jana's leg. Jana turned her head to look at Mary, bursting into tears again, and Mary collected her daughter in her arms and rocked slowly back and forth. "I know," she whispered. "Want to tell me what's going on?" Jana just shook her head and clung to her mother. "Is it something with Nicole? Weren't you out with her?"

"Was," she mumbled, pulling back from Mary. She wiped her face with her fingers and brushed her hair back, sweating and chilled from crying so hard. "She was drinking. I walked home from the Bend." Mary looked at her sternly, but Jana rolled her eyes and shook her head. "I know… I don't want to hang out with her anymore either."

"Is that why you're so upset? Did you have a fight?"

Tears slid back down Jana's face as she shook her head. "I saw Kevin." She could barely hear her own voice. "And Mama…it hurts so much." She burst into tears again, dropping her head against her mother's shoulder. "I didn't think I'd be this upset seeing him again. I mean, I hate him! What do I care if he's back? I don't want to talk to him…ever! But why does it hurt so much?"

"Because he meant a lot to you," Mary said, rubbing her back. "He was your first love, baby. You never forget that."

"I really thought he loved me. I believed he loved me. I thought we'd live happily ever after like you and Dad… Now what?"

"You're much too young to limit yourself, Jana," Mary said gently. "Don't limit yourself, ever."

"I didn't think I was," she sniffled, leaning back and wiping the tears from her cheeks. "I felt like we could do anything together. We were going to go to New York together, and I'd dance and he'd act, and we'd rent an apartment and live together. And I really thought we were gonna do that. We could have done that. And I thought I was okay…but when I saw him today…" She sniffled again as more tears flowed. "Mama…I don't want to live without him."


His fingers fumbled with the material beneath them, tangling in it, choking. A simple tie. He'd tied a tie so many times, but today, staring in the mirror, he couldn't get it figured out. It was too long, too short, too tight, sloppy. His shower had seemed to take forever when he considered what he had to do when it was done. His best suit was lying on the bed, a crisp white shirt freshly ironed, and the damn tie was the last part of getting ready. And he had managed to do it all seamlessly except for the damn tie.

And then he focused in the mirror at the length of his hair, the spots on his chin still bleeding from shaving. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and opened his eyes again to refocus on the tie.

"Having trouble?" Jerry asked, stepping into the doorway, his own tie undone. He stood in front of Kevin and took hold of Kevin's tie like he had when they'd been boys.

"Looks like you are too," Kevin said, pointing to Jerry's tie. All Jerry did was slightly nod as he finished tying Kevin's tie, choking up as he finished. "Here…" Kevin started doing Jerry's tie, focusing on how the knot should look instead of seeing the tears in Jerry's eyes.

When he finished, Jerry put his hand on Kevin's shoulder and squeezed in thanks. "Hang in there, Little Bro. Let's do the old man proud, huh?" Kevin merely nodded. He'd be fine as long as no one spoke to him. If he had to speak, he'd never make it through the day.

"Coffee?" Tim asked, lifting the pot up as Kevin came downstairs.

"As a vodka chaser?" Kevin grumbled, barely joking as he slipped into his seat at the kitchen table.

Tim put a mug down in front of him, shaking his head in scolding. "Beth coming?"

Beth… Kevin had barely had time to talk to her in the last three days. He wasn't even sure if he'd asked her, much less if she was coming, not that they'd been together all that long. He stirred sugar into the coffee and shrugged. At this point, he doubted if it would make any difference. So far, everything today was surreal, and time was moving like butter melting when it was accidentally left out.

"Did you ask her?" Kevin shrugged again. "Kev?"

"I don't know, Tim! Why the third degree? If she comes, she comes. If she doesn't…then she doesn't. What difference does it make?"

"Just making conversation, Kev." Tim sat down and sipped his coffee, pulling at his tie. "Jerry almost ready?" Kevin shrugged, watching the liquid swirl around his mug as he stirred slowly. "Kevin? You gonna hold up?" he asked, his voice full of concern.

"Do I have a choice?" he replied quietly. When he looked up, Tim was watching him closely, worriedly. "I'll hold up."


Jana slipped into a back pew alone and made sure she didn't make eye contact with anyone. She wasn't even sure why she was there anyway, but there had been no doubt of her going. Just seeing the back of Kevin's head as he stood in the front pew with the rest of his family brought tears to her eyes. Try as she might, she still wanted to comfort him in spite of not having spoken to him in a year. It didn't even matter that he was holding someone else's hand. She wanted to comfort him, but she knew she wouldn't even make her presence known. Maybe he'd sense her there, or something, and take comfort in that.

The music ended, and the echoes of feet shuffling, papers rattling and the ever-present person with a cough filled the solemn silence inside the old church. Her mind couldn't focus on what was being said. All she could do was watch the front few pews, the family she'd been so close to, out of reach, in pain. She didn't even need to see their faces; it was enough just to see the way they bent their heads together, reached out to hold a shoulder, rub a neck, touch heads together. And then someone stood up and started singing 'Ave Maria,' and her vision blurred through tears.


Beth shook his shoulder, whispering his name as he fluttered his eyes open, finding himself tangled in the sheets. She smoothed the hair back and pressed her lips against his forehead before settling back against him. "You're safe here, baby. It's all over now. Remember?"

That was the problem. He was remembering…the church, the coffin, the sounds of the crying echoing off of the high wooden ceiling. Most of the day was a blur, but at the end of it, he'd had to get away from them all, and he'd ended up at Beth's apartment. He'd crashed, barely speaking to her, and he hadn't been altogether sure where he was when she'd awakened him.

He sat up, realizing the sun was rising, and wrapped his arms around his knees as he tiredly dropped his shoulders. "I should go," he said, his voice deep and groggy from sleep.

Her hand slid down his back slowly "Not yet. It's still early. Get some rest, Kevin."

He shook his head, looking out the window. "No…I should go back. I didn't tell anyone where I was going."

"They know where you are," she told him. "Where else would you be all night?" He could think of a thousand places, but didn't want to ramble them off. Where he really wanted to be was in his own bed, home, so he could be there for his mother, his family - where he should have been all night. Beth smoothed her hand back down his back, though, and it drew him back to the mattress. Just the tenderness of her fingertips brought tears to his eyes, tears that had been too ready in forming for days, it seemed. He was tired of the weight on his chest, of the sadness wrapping around his brain. He was just tired and wanted to bury it, instead of his father.

Beth curled next to him, putting her head on his shoulder as she ran her hand over his chest. She kissed his shoulder gently, and when he turned his head, she kissed his lips, drawing him closer. It was something other than pain touching him, and he responded to it, letting it soak through his skin. Finally, he could concentrate on something other than the grief. Instead, he concentrated on the curve of her breasts against his palm, the wetness between her legs as he slid his fingers between the tender folds, the sound of her breath catching in her throat as she clutched his wrist and came. He concentrated on her lips sucking on his nipples, the touch of her thumb as it circled the lip of his shaft and rose over the tip. Too impatient to wait, he found his way inside of her, slamming his hips against hers to rush to the pleasure and be lost in the pure physical response, shutting off his brain for mere seconds...a welcomed relief.

When it was over, he dropped down against her, catching his breath and wiping the sweat from his forehead onto the pillow next to her head. "I need to go," he mumbled, once he could speak.

"Kevin…" He ignored her, pulling out, and immediately got out of bed, running a hand through his hair in indecision, looking around for his clothes. "Kevin…stop." He looked back to the bed as she sat up. "You have to take time for yourself, too, you know. It happened to you, too. Your family understands that you need time to unwind on your own, don't they?"

"Beth…right now, I can't. I need them as much as they need me."

"You look like you need a break from it though, Kevin. You barely slept. You're on the verge of tears…"

He just shook his head, more pressure dropping onto his shoulders. He didn't know how to make Beth understand his motivations, but he knew where he needed to be. He started getting dressed quickly and leaned over to kiss her. "Love you," he said. "I'll call you later."


It was still there when he woke up again later on, lurking behind the curtains, in the closet, hiding under the bed and waiting to grab his ankles as soon as he went to put his feet on the floor. If he could get away with it, he'd pull the blankets over his head and wait until It left like he had when he was little, but he wasn't little anymore. He was supposed to be an adult now, able to face all the pressures waiting for him…under the bed, behind the curtains, in the closet…outside of the bedroom door.

Part of him wondered if It had taken the rest of his family too, but he shook that thought directly from his head, refusing to give it any form of validation. They were all just quiet, downstairs, doing whatever they were doing, or, maybe, they were lying in their beds, thinking the same thoughts he was. Where was It now? Was It still here, or had It left when It took his father?

He compromised, pulling the blankets just up under his nose, hiding half his face, and braved opening his eyes, but all that was there was his old bedroom and the empty twin bed across the room, blankets and sheets in disarray from where Tim had been sleeping. He chanced a quick glance over towards the closet - the door was closed - and then checked the windows where daylight was coming in, but it was dark with clouds and a rumble of thunder came from over the mountain range and echoed in the valley below. If It was there, he didn't think It'd be grabbing his ankles today, but just to be sure, he sat up slowly and quietly and took a long step away from the underside of the bed and shuffled his way downstairs.

There was still no sound in the house, no TV, no radio. It may not still be here, but It had left its mark in the silence, leaving only the ticking clock as a calling card as if to say 'listen carefully…, use what's left because I'll be back.' It'd made him notice more, listen more. In spite of the house having been cleaned last night after the family and guests had left, there were still traces of his father's life all around downstairs. His hats still hung near the front door…, his shoes, worn and muddy, still on the floor beneath them…, a pair of oiled overalls on the 2nd peg of the coat rack, always the 2nd peg for some reason. He'd never known why, and now he never would know.

Tim sat at the kitchen table with a mug and the paper, still in the boxers and tee shirt he normally slept in. He lowered the paper seeing Kevin turn the corner from the steps and smiled. "So, the Boy Wanderer returns." Kevin attempted to wrangle a smirk, but not much more, and he poured himself a cup of coffee, slipping into his usual seat at the table across from Tim. "Man, you snore like a dang freight train!"

"Runs in the family," Kevin answered with a look back at Tim.

"And how's Beth?" Tim teased brightly, blinking at his little brother with another grin.

"Beth's just fine, thanks," Kevin replied before sipping the coffee, offering no further details. He meant to do that, knowing it would drive Tim insane. He reached for the sports section from the pile next to Tim and glanced at the headlines without another word.

"Well, damn it, Kev!" Tim sighed.

"What?" he asked, looking up, recycling Tim's blink.

"So, you went over to see Beth last night? What time'd you get back?"

"Does it matter? You were snoring like a freight train when I came in," he answered, unable to keep from smiling. Sometimes he forgot just how much fun it could be being the little brother.

"So…you're pretty serious about her?"

Kevin shrugged, looking back to the paper. "Why'dya ask? Does it matter?"

Tim was quiet for a bit, studying Kevin's face and making him feel a little uncomfortable. "Well, I don't know, really. I guess I'm just kinda used to you being the one that has to be home by eleven."

Kevin lifted an eyebrow and held back a snicker. "Time's have changed a bit, Tim."

"Well, we're still in Irvine and there hasn't been anything that life changing that might offer something to do after nine o'clock."

"And when has there been anything to do before nine o'clock in Irvine?" Kevin laughed. "Anyone who's smart left, and anyone that stayed has toddlers by now."

"Except for Mickey," Tim chuckled.

"I said smart, didn't I?"

"At least he's not having kids yet."

"Ever," Kevin returned quickly. "If there's a grand plan in the world, ever."

"So," Tim sat back and folded his hands behind his head, watching Kevin, "what's your plans now?"

"Finish my coffee?" He lifted the mug and took a sip. "Finish the paper. Cats look like they might have a good team this year."

"Dipshit," Tim kicked him under the table, "I meant…"

"I know what you meant," Kevin interrupted quickly, but, all teasing and playfulness was gone between them, replaced with a sudden adult-like seriousness that made him uncomfortable and prickled the hair at the back of his neck. He exhaled and glanced back to the paper, but couldn't make sense of the words. "I guess I'm gonna stick around for awhile," he answered quietly. "There's a lot to do here."

"Yeah," Tim agreed quietly, fiddling with a coffee spoon on the table. "I was thinking of doing the same thing."

"Why? You have a job to go back to, don't you?"

Tim lifted a shoulder slightly. "Yeah, but…"

"Tim, I can stick around. I didn't leave anything behind in Orlando other than Jimmy, and he doesn't need me there to hold his hand."

"Jerry's going back at the end of the month."

"He's got a job and a girlfriend to go back to. You've got a job and a girlfriend, too, don't you? I'm the freeloader around here; don't be bustin' in on my turf, dude."

"Kev…"

"Tim, I wasn't sure about leaving in the first place. I'm not all broken up about staying." At least, he didn't think he was, not anymore. Since meeting Beth a few weeks ago, it hadn't been as dreary and desolate as he'd felt when he first came home. And he'd been busy keeping up the grounds and doing the maintenance at home. Maybe he was supposed to stay in Kentucky after all. Maybe he hadn't been meant to stay with Jana and life had kicked him out only to make him return so he could meet Beth. Life could have chosen a better way to make him return, he considered angrily, but if something good came out of all this, at least it wouldn't feel like it was such mass devastation. "I can stick around awhile, okay? Don't worry. I'll be here to take care of Mama."

"Not that she needs taking care of," Tim snorted with a smile. "She's tough, ain't she?"

"Well, she married Dad and raised us. Doesn't she kinda have to be?"

"I'm just sayin', though, I can make arrangements."

"And I'm sayin' you don't have to." When Kevin looked across the table, suddenly, everything had changed. It was Tim in his usual spot, and him in his usual spot, but everything had changed. Tim wasn't that teenager his memory envisioned when he thought of him anymore. He was a grown-up, a true adult, and that could only mean that the same had happened to him. Somehow, in the last two minutes, they'd both aged into men and the pressure was fully settling on Kevin's shoulders, and it didn't feel anything like what he'd imagined it would be like. 'Where's the fun?' part of his brain whined, stomping a foot deep between the eyes from inside. 'Adulthood is highly overrated,' it sulked.