April - 1992

"Well, if you're so fucking miserable, go!" Beth snapped angrily, turning back to her dinner at the kitchen table. Kevin was standing in the middle of the living room, looking into the small, open dining area in her apartment, unmoving and unsure what the right thing to do was. Beth didn't look, or speak, for a long time, merely eating and flipping through the pages of the magazine in front of her as Kevin stood silently.

It wasn't fair to either of them. He was suffocating, hated his job, hated the cold of the past winter, hated not finding a band that was serious, hated the mentality of the people around him. He hated everything and nothing he did seemed to make a difference. Every day when he woke up, he faced the same dreary dread of the day before him, knowing precisely what was going to happen, when it was going to happen, and how it was going to happen. And whatever it was, it wasn't what he wanted, even if he couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was he wanted. This just wasn't it, none of it.

He wasn't sure of anything anymore, and each day he was growing more unsure. They were engaged, and the weight of his future settled heavier and heavier on his shoulders. He cared about Beth. He knew that, but when he considered the affection his parents had for one another, he knew it was missing in this relationship. Even when his parents fought, there'd been a smoldering affection and devotion to each other that he knew had carried them through the rough patches. When he fought with Beth, there wasn't affection or devotion. There was just frustration and anger, and part of him knew that with each argument, he was hoping she'd kick him out and take the responsibility of breaking off the engagement. Instead, they would smolder in silence until the topic changed. Nothing resolved, nothing discussed…just…

He sighed, biting his lips together and lowering his head to look at the worn beige carpet beneath his feet. Beth had a great personality. She was smart and funny. She was beautiful with her dark eyes and soft, brown hair, her mouth always looking as if she were gently pouting, but a smile that could light up a room. She just wasn't his future, and he had to finally admit that. "I'm sorry, Beth," he said quietly, slowly lifting his head to look at her apologetically.

She turned to look at him, anger lingering in her eyes, or maybe just a reflection of his own frustration. "I don't know what you want me to do, Kevin," she said firmly, placing her fork down and turning in the chair. "I can't magically change your life, although God knows I've been trying."

"I know," he replied guiltily, swallowing heavily. "It's nothing you've done, though. It's just…it's not going to work, is it?"

She dropped her chin, sitting back slightly and tilting her head. "What isn't?" He could only bite his lips together, struggling to find the words to make her understand. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me!" she exploded as the realization of what he was trying to say struck her. "You're kidding me, right? Kevin, this is life. Sometimes you just have to make the best of a situation!"

He shook his head, knowing that wasn't the right answer either. "But that's just it, Beth, it's our life. We shouldn't have to make the best of it. It should be what we make it, and we're not doing that…and I'm sorry. I just…I can't do it."

She lowered her hands to her lap, folded them as she blinked at him in disbelief. "You're breaking up with me," she said carefully. "Oh my God, you're breaking it off, aren't you?"

"I'm sorry," was all he could manage to say, still helplessly frozen in the middle of the living room.

"Kevin," she started, opening and closing her mouth a few times in an effort to find words, "you're going to have to grow up at some point. All this dreaming…when the hell are you just going to get it into your head that it's just a dream? People work for a living. People don't have life handed to them on silver platters."

He nodded and slowly sat down on the couch behind him, putting on his shoes. "And that just proves it, doesn't it?" he asked, glancing up to her. "I can't…" He shook his head and turned back to his laces. "If you can't see that it's not just some dream for me, than we're definitely not gonna make it. I'm not going to change, Beth. You're not going to change. This is it, us…do you really want us to be like this till death do us part? We're makin' a big mistake if we think it's going to be any different."

"I was hoping you'd grow up a little," she snapped. "I mean, sure, we're young, but we're not that young. Even I knew you have to work for a living when I was your age."

He just nodded, trying not to get angry. This was big. This was a huge, painful blow, and he'd feel it once he had a chance to figure out what it all meant. Square one, all over again, but right now, it didn't feel as if it was a mistake. Right now, it actually felt like he'd made a good decision for the first time…maybe for the first time ever. For the first time, he felt right and that heavy block on his shoulder lifted slightly, letting him take at least one deep breath. "I'm sorry." It was all he could say. He wasn't going to argue his heart to her. He felt that this was something she either got, or didn't, and there was no way to convince someone of it. It just needed to be a belief, and as he looked at her, he could see it. She didn't believe in him, and he couldn't marry anyone that didn't believe in him.

She got up, walked over to the door and opened it. "Get out," she said firmly, her lips pursed tightly over clenched jaws. Without another word, he picked up his jacket from the arm of the couch and reached into his pocket for his keys. She had her palm out expectantly waiting for him to place her key in it and she turned her head away from him as he moved closer. "I'll leave whatever you have here in the management office, and when you change your mind, don't bother calling."

There was no point telling her he wasn't going to change his mind. He's probably just insult her saying he finally felt better for the first time in months, and he didn't want to hurt, or insult her. She deserved better than that. She deserved better than him. She deserved the stability she was looking for and wouldn't find it in him, and he couldn't be angry at her for falling short of her expectations. The door slammed behind him as he made his way down the quiet hallway smelling of spices from other people's dinner. He slipped his jacket on, his shoulders feeling looser, his breathing seeming to come easier. 'This is what it felt like to make the right decision,' he told himself, pressing the elevator button. And it felt pretty dang good.

June - 1992

Jana closed her eyes, forcing herself not to move away or exhale. This is what she was supposed to do, wasn't it? If she could just move past the memories, prove to herself that someone else could touch her the way Kevin had, maybe she'd finally get over him, once and for all. He didn't deserve her caring like this. He didn't deserve tears cried for him, or the loneliness deep in her heart over him. Or the effort it'd taken all year avoiding him, wondering if he'd be around the corner, show up at school, one of the games, at the Bend. It was all too much work to care, and maybe it would be easier to get past her hang-up's if she went all the way with someone she didn't care about. Nicole made it sound easy and self-serving, but lying in the dark being groped at like this wasn't pleasing at all.

Nicole might have been right all along. Maybe she should have taken her chances with Kevin. She was certain it wouldn't have been like this with him. He'd have said something to her by now, reassured her somehow, playful or teasing, or serious and tender...anything but what it felt like now. This was going to be her first time, and all she could do was hold her breath and wait for it to be over.

Mike Connelly was nice, and they'd been dating for a few months now. He was on the football team and had his own car. He joked with her about her crush on the bass player of Duran Duran and talked incessantly about Guns'n'Roses. He was planning on going to UK in the fall, and they were going to write each other. He even said he'd come visit her in New York, and she'd smiled. The last thing she wanted when she got to New York was Irvine intruding on the new life she intended to start. No Nicole, no parents, no sister, no Irvine, no Kentucky…and no Kevin Richardson memories to haunt her at every corner. She was starting all over again.

"I didn't hurt you, did I?" Mike whispered, lying close beside her breathless. Now she needed to speak, but she knew if she opened her mouth, she'd start sobbing. It had hurt, and her heart was racing, and her hands were shaking and all she wanted to do was crawl upstairs to her own bed and cry herself to sleep. But, instead, she shook her head and quietly inhaled deeply, hoping he wouldn't notice. "Was it okay? I mean…it was…all right, right?" He was going to make her talk to him. She nodded, forcing a smile and hoping he'd see it in the shadows of her basement. She could still make out the powder blue color of her prom dress in the heap on the floor, so maybe he could see her. "I know it's the first time you've…" he paused, biting his lips together briefly, "well, since…"

"Ever." There. She said it. But he was silent and she started wondering if she said it aloud.

"But you dated Kevin…"

"Ever, okay?" she snapped, rolling onto her side with her back towards him and her stomach cramping.

He didn't move at first, or say a word and she was half a second away from crawling out of the bed and going to her own when he pulled her onto her back gently and kissed her warmly. "You should have told me, Jana," he said quietly, running his fingers over her cheeks. "I figured you'd already done it."

"I'm fine," she said, unconvincingly, trying desperately not to burst into tears. Anything but fine, but it was done now. She was no longer the Last American Virgin and Nicole could stop teasing her about it.

"Baby," Mike said gently, his hand rubbing her shoulder, "I'm sorry. I didn't know…"

"Look, if I didn't want to, I wouldn't have, okay? Can you just leave it alone? I'm fine," she said, realizing how harsh she sounded. She closed her eyes and tried to breathe silently again, forcing her heart to quit pounding into her ribcage. Finally, she turned her head to look at Mike, looking down at her with wide, frightened eyes. "Mike, it's okay," she managed to say more carefully, curling her fingers around his. "I wanted to. Really."

"I would have been more careful if I knew it was your first time," he said apologetically.

She attempted at another smile. "What? You weren't careful this time knowing it was OUR first time?" she tried teasing, but the poor guy looked petrified, trying to answer her. "I'm okay. I think the whole day's just catching up to me. I don't usually drink this much, and I've been getting ready for the Prom since ten o'clock this morning."

"It showed, though," he said, leaning over to kiss her quickly. "You looked great. Really pretty…and, um…I don't know…thanks? Or something, I think…for letting me be your first. I feel real special."

"Me too," she mumbled awkwardly. It wasn't his fault he wasn't the person she wanted him to be. Somewhere out there in Irvine, the person she wanted him to be was probably getting it on with someone else. Was he thinking of her? Wishing it was her he was with? Did he ever even bother to think of her, or had he already erased her from his memory? How would this have been if it had been Kevin? Would she still feel this awkward? Would she be this…unexcited? She found it hard to believe that this was the great thing sex was supposed to be. That this was what made men go to war for, and cheat on the people they said they loved for, and disrupt lives over. This was truly IT? She's done it, and all she could think was, 'this is it?' She'd felt more pleasure when there was no sex, just hands groping around in the dark. Nicole had warned her that it would hurt, but even so…maybe it was something like getting stoned? Maybe it only took effect the second time you did it? Overall, she had to admit that the whole experience was a let down, and she wouldn't be rushing out to do it again.


Nicole was trashed. He could see it all the way across the clearing at the Bend as she leaned against a tree trunk, glaring over the rim of a beer bottle in his direction. So far, he'd managed to keep his distance from just about everything, but he was leaving, back to Orlando, and this time, he was making the rounds and saying good-bye. Tomorrow morning he'd be heading out, and he'd saved the Bend for last.

He wasn't really friendly with the people who hung out here anymore, but he felt like he had to come, at least to say good-bye to what the Bend had meant to him in his past. The last person he'd expected to see was Nicole, though, and his heart skipped a beat wondering if Jana would soon follow along. There was panic, actually, burning at the back of his throat. What if he saw Jana? Would it still be there? Would they step back into a relationship if she was? Would fate step in again and force him to stay, now that he'd finally decided it was time to go?

"I know you," Nicole mumbled, still glaring at him as he sat down.

"The infamous Kevin Richardson," one of the other teens sneered. Kevin glanced at the guy wearing a football jacket. He had to have been on the high school team. No one else here would remember him, surely.

"Shut up, Mike," someone else said, nudging him and Kevin looked over, trying to see if he recognized the guy. "Sorry. He's a little bummed, that's all."

Kevin lifted a shoulder casually and glanced over to Mickey, grabbing a beer out of the paper bag they'd brought. He seemed comfortable with the group of kids and sat down next to Kevin, handing him a beer. Looking around again, Kevin realized what he'd just thought…kids? They were kids. Why did he feel so much more ancient than the rest of them? Most of them would have been sophomores and juniors when he was in high school, but they still seemed like kids to him even though they were graduated or seniors now.

"You're not gonna find her here," Nicole said, still glaring at Kevin intently. "She up and left, can you believe it?"

"She, who?" Kevin asked, knowing perfectly well she was talking about Jana. Up and left… His heart lifted in excitement, a small smile crossing his lips on her behalf. 'She made it out,' he thought silently. 'She did it.'

"You know who," Nicole answered bitterly. "She left you, this time, huh?" she questioned smartly, a sneer on her lips. "Thought you'd come back and get her back?"

"Not really, no," he said easily, sipping his beer. "I'm leaving myself. Tomorrow."

Nicole let her hand drop with the bottle in it to her lap and lowered her chin in disbelief. "You too?"

"Me too, what? Leavin'?"

She dumped the beer bottle over and pushed herself up. "Everybody's fuckin' gettin' out of here except for me," she grumbled. "She kept saying all along she was goin', but I mean, really!" She looked at Mike, hovering over him and swaying slightly. "Really! Did you ever think it was going to happen? That she'd really do it?"

Mike looked up at her, half in misery and half in an agreeing scowl. "Not so fuckin' fast, no," he answered.

"She left?" Kevin asked curiously.

"Today." Nicole dropped down to the ground and sighed, picking up a stick and poking it into the dirt. "And it's not fair because it was her turn to drive. She could have waited one day, but noo! She had to leave today and I get to walk if I wanted to come down here. Thanks a lot, Jana!" she yelled into the woods. "Bitch." She looked over between Kevin and Mike. "She always thought she was so much better than anyone," she continued. "But every time she had a problem, who was the one that solved it for her? Me! That's who! The least she could have done was wait one day."

Kevin lifted an eyebrow towards Mickey, trying not to laugh. Nicole was just too drunk to take seriously. "Some best friend," he mumbled to Mickey.

Nicole wagged an unsteady finger at him. "Hey! Don't blame me. I did everything I could to get her to fuck you," she slurred. "She was too good for that. She was going to wait to do that. Fat lot'a good it did her, too! Flat-leaver!" she accused. "Nice way to end it, dude."

"I think we'd better go," Kevin said to Mickey and stood up. "I'm already over this bullshit."

"You had a sure thing with me, Kevin!" Nicole called after him as he and Mickey made their way back to the car. "You could have had it all instead of bein' teased by it!"

"She's a real bad drunk, ain't she?" Kevin said as they got in the car. "What the fuck, man?"

Mickey turned to look at him and stared briefly before shaking his head. "Some of us can't get out of here, Kevin, even if we want to. We'd go from here to some other poor low-life existence someplace else and when you're facing that…well, sometimes it just sucks."

He turned the ignition and started backing out of the clearing without another word and it was Kevin's turn to look at Mickey in disbelief. "What the hell are you talking about?" he finally asked as they turned onto the pothole-ridden road. "Who the hell says you can't leave?"

"Kevin," Kenny started with a sigh, "sometimes it ain't as easy as all that. A mechanic is a mechanic is a mechanic whether you're in Irvine or New York."

"So, don't be a mechanic," Kevin answered.

"And what would you like me to be? A brain surgeon?"

"If you want, why the hell not? You gotta at least make an effort. I'm not sayin' I'm gonna light the world on fire or anything, but I'm not gonna sit around here on my ass sayin' I can't without even tryin'."

"Yeah, but that's you, Kevin. Not everyone has the guts to do it. By tomorrow, Nicole will be hungover and making new friends and whatever she said tonight will be forgotten. Life always goes on, even in Irvine, and sometimes, life in Irvine ain't all that bad, either."

Kevin turned and watched the lights on the buildings as they drove back towards the Domain in silence. Mickey was never this philosophical, and it surprised him that he even thought about his future. Mickey had never even talked about it, or seemed to care. It had always been Kevin talking about leaving, doing something, seeing the world and Mickey had just nodded silently. What had he been thinking all those times? What had Mickey planned to do?

As he pulled up to the house, Mickey turned with a usual smile and nodded. "Don't forget the little people, Kev," he teased already over the conversation ten minutes ago, before leaning over and hugging him quickly, adding a few pats on Kevin's back.


August - 2001

"Okay, so I've got a hypothetical question for you," Jana said walking into the apartment. She dropped her dance bag just inside the door, reaching out to stroke Nigel quickly as she walked in.

"Well, hello, how was your day?" Leslie said with a smile, flipping closed the folder on her lap as she sat on the couch. "My day was fine, thanks, how was yours? Okay, now…you've got a hypothetical question for me?"

Jana smirked playfully as she sank into the other corner of the couch. "So, say you dated this guy a real long time ago, and you were just totally head over heels in love with him. He was your first love, actually, and when you broke up…well, you never really did. He just fell off the face of the earth, right?" Leslie lifted an eyebrow curiously and shifted sideways on the cushions to face Jana. "And he totally broke your heart. But, being the strong woman that you are, you move on and get past it. Then, this same guy, suddenly becomes one of the most famous people on the face of the planet a few years later." Leslie perked up slightly, a small smile forming on her lips, "And you've gone on to become a pretty decent dancer, and someone offers you a spot on the same tour with your ex. What do you do?"

"And this is hypothetical, right?" Leslie questioned. Jana nodded, moving slightly as Nigel leapt onto the couch and settled between them, purring loudly. "I'd write an expose and make a million dollars and fuck the tour," she giggled, leaning over to kiss the cat playfully. "But it's not all that hypothetical, is it?" she asked Nigel. "No, it's not. Mommy's got a massive huge secret she's been holding back on her bestest friend, doesn't she?" She sat up, lifting an eyebrow and lowering her chin. "Spill it, bitch."

Jana leaned back into the arm of the couch, letting her head fall back and groaned loudly. She lifted her head slowly to look at Leslie. "You know the Backstreet Boys?"

"Not personally," she teased. "But somehow I've learned the words to all their songs on the radio. I think they put crack in their music or something."

Jana nodded, barely smiling. "I dated one of them in high school," she said, straight faced.

Leslie's eyes widened and her smile got bigger. "No fucking way!" All Jana did was nod slowly, not nearly as excited as her roommate. "Jana!" She reached over and smacked her leg. "No way!"

"A long time ago, before he was anyone famous, yeah," she said. "My first true love, and he was a total shit when he left. Slept with my best friend before leaving for Florida without telling me, and I've never heard a word from him since. And that includes when he came back home for a year, after his father died. And Fatima asked me if I'd be willing to go to Michigan to take her place because she's got another commitment, and teach them some new dance moves for part of their tour…and then join the tour for the next three months or something like that." She finally let the situation hit her, and it took her breath away. "I mean, it's not like I'm still hung up on him, or anything. Hell, he's married now anyway. But…do you think it would be really weird to walk into that situation? What if he never wants to see me again?"

"What does Fatima say?" Leslie asked, looking truly shocked.

"That he's one of the nicest guys she's ever worked with and it wouldn't be a problem. And that I'd be doing her a huge favor." She could only stare at Leslie for a moment, trying to arrange her feelings. "It's just weird, isn't it? I mean, what are the chances?"

"Well, how do you really feel about seeing him again?"

"That's just it," she said with a half smile. "I don't have the slightest idea. The whole way home, I just kept going back and forth. It'd be great to see him and rub it into his face that I did exactly what I wanted to do and prove to him that he didn't devastate my life or anything."

"But…"

"But he did. When I was barely seventeen. And I'm not seventeen anymore, so it shouldn't matter, right?"

"Does it?"

"Not really," she shrugged, "at least, I don't think it does. I've been in love after him. He just happens to be the first love, that's all. And everyone always says you don't get over your first love, right?"

"How much does it suck that your first love is some mega-star?"

"In a boy band, though," Jana snickered. "Not that it matters to me either way, but it's not like he's Bon Jovi or something. It's not like anyone in the media does anything but take pot shots at them because they sing and dance."

"But it's crack," Leslie pointed out with a grin.

"It is," Jana agreed. "And I'm…kind of proud of what all he's done. It's all we ever talked about. He wanted to be a famous performer, and I wanted to be a great dancer. We were going to leave Irvine together and come to New York and make all our dreams come true."

"But he went to Florida without you instead?"

Jana nodded. "The night he left, we didn't end on the best of terms. I didn't want to sleep with him, and we'd been going out for something like a year, and he wanted me to sleep with him. Next day I call his house and his mama says he's gone. Just like that. Then my best friend at the time tells me he went to her party and totally hit on her. And I never heard a single thing from him from that day on. Next thing I know the town gossip is talking about him joining some group and he's winning awards in Europe and then one day, my sister and I are watching MTV and bam! There he is, singing this song I've been singing along with for months."

"Which one is he?"

"The one with the eyebrows," she said and Leslie giggled. "I know, and he didn't look anything like he does now. His hair was floppier, and he didn't have any facial hair, and he definitely wasn't as built. But he always had the most amazing eyes, and he really was sweet to me…until he fucked off."

Leslie nodded. "Yeah, well, that part kind of sucks. I say you write an expose," she teased again, nudging her with her toe. "The Sex Crazed Backstreet Boy, the Untold Story!"

"There's no story to tell! That's the sad part! Here I had this great chance, you know?" Jana giggled. "He was just a really sweet, down-home Kentucky boy. I knew he was talented and all that, but still… Does anyone think they're going to grow up and become a pop star and actually have it happen? I was going to be a prima ballerina…where's my fairy tale?"

"He stole it from you," Leslie teased. "There's only so much fame to go around in one small, backwood Kentucky town apparently." She leaned forward, resting on Jana's knees. "Damn it, girl! You're an amazing dancer! Hell, take away the fact that you dated this guy, look what you've been asked to do! The Backstreet Boys are frickin' HUGE and you've been asked to work and tour with them! How many people do we know that would die for a chance like this? That's success, whether you want to see it that way or not. It's not the American Ballet or anything, but hell, people will actually see you if you tour with one of the biggest pop bands in the entire freakin' world!" She laughed playfully, as Jana reluctantly giggled with her. "Who goes to the ballet anyway anymore, right?" Leslie continued. "It's an amazing opportunity for you."

"I know."

"And what if he does remember you? Does it matter? It's nostalgia by now, isn't it? You've got your life, and he's obviously got his own, right? What's going to happen? He's going to realize what a huge mistake it was leaving, leave his wife and run away with you? It's a done deal now. Take the opportunity and run with it. Show him what he missed by not coming to New York with you when he had the chance."

"But what if I see him and hate him?"

"It's a big tour," Leslie said, sitting back against the arm of the couch. "How many times did you actually hang with any of the major stars you toured with? Once? Twice? You don't even stay on the same floor as they do at this level. You'll be lucky if you stay in the same hotel."

"But what if I see him and still love him?"

"It's a big tour," Leslie repeated. "And he's married. Do you really think he's the same guy he was back then?"

Jana thought for a moment and slowly nodded. "Honestly? Yeah, I do. I know the stock he comes from. There's no way he's some spoiled prima donna. He's probably exactly the same…just all grown up now…with a lot of money and screaming fans."

"Well, if he's all grown up now, so are you," Leslie said pointedly. "And I think it's stupid to waste this kind of opportunity because of some high school romance that didn't end up the way you wanted it to. Hell, if my high school romance ended up like I wanted, I'd be living on the South shore with three kids, a dog and an SUV parked in the driveway of my little house in the 'burbs. Thank God dreams change. What were you going to do?"

"We were going to move to New York. I'd dance with the ballet and he'd be on Broadway," she answered. "We'd get married and have three kids and live happily ever after." She shrugged. "It never really was more fleshed out than that."

Leslie snorted lightly. "See? It never really was a planned out future for you to get hung up on. And you said yourself, you've been in love since then. It's not like he's the only one you ever had feelings for. You manage to stay in the same room with Tommy and he did ask you to marry him." Jana nodded in consideration. "And who's to say that if it did happen that you'd be' happily ever after' when it was all said and done? No one stays the same. Could you go back to Irvine and be the same people? I don't think so. You've seen the world and know what's really out there now. It's not a fantasy to you anymore. You did get out, and you have a pretty damn good career starting, and great friends and a great family that support you. When it comes down to it, Jana, you really don't have anything to regret. You did everything you said you were going to do, and you did it without this guy. It's his loss."

"Well, maybe he'll avoid me," Jana considered. "Maybe he'll be too embarrassed."

"Maybe," Leslie agreed. "But whatever he does, or doesn't do, it shouldn't make a difference. You have your own life now. You're not in high school anymore. You've got IRA's and a retirement fund because of me! That right there proves you're an adult and everything now!" She giggled. "I think you can handle it. Go on the tour and use it to your advantage. It'll look great on your resume. And, if worse comes to worst, tell him you preferred working with *NSync."