Evanessence
Carlos~
It’s not until
I had Kevin safely in the car and on the road that I let myself comprehend that
it’s just Kevin, not Kevin and Danni that I’m with, and why. My pager went off about four hours ago,
911. When I called in, my boss told me I
had to meet Kevin at the hospital and Backstreet was in full lockdown.
Kevin’s just
staring out the window, slumped down and un-moving. I don’t know if it’s the shock, or the drug
that’s keeping him so reserved, but it’s un-nerving, even though it’s
understandable. He’s been given a
sedative to help him cope, and I’ve got a prescription for him to help him
through the next few days if needed.
This shock is gonna wear off at some point.
I know Kevin
like I know my own skin. I know when
he’s going to move, and which direction it’ll be in. I know he hears my every word no matter who
he’s talking to, or how loud it is, understand the signals I give him, the
direction I guide him in. He knows how
to read a room and he knows what to look for.
He takes a
ragged breath and slides his hand over his forehead to rest it on his palm and
I squeeze his shoulder, trying to support him.
Too little, too late… We should
have been on top of this. We should have
seen this coming. Why didn’t we have it
covered before now? Why didn’t we sit
down and make out a schedule? Why didn’t
we follow up more closely? This was preventable. This was so Goddamned preventable! I know better! I’m a trained professional, and after all
this time with Kevin, it’s more than a job.
We’re tight. I’ve watched his
back for years, and watched him grow into a professional and become a
friend. I was there when he met
Danni. I was there when he married her. I was there when Ronnie followed her
home… How the hell did I miss this? We know Ronnie killed Danni, and I didn’t do
enough to make sure it didn’t happen.
Kevin’s mind is
moving a million miles an hour, off in a thousand different directions and not
catching a single thought. Well, one
thought…one incomprehensible thought: his wife is dead, and there’s no way to
actually believe this even if we’ve just spent the last four hours at the
hospital and talking to police. He was
so distracted with their questions, losing concentration. At some points, I don’t think he even
understood English. He’d just blink back
tears, unable to respond, lost…confused.
“Where are we?”
he asks now quietly, blinking first out at the house, then looking back to
me.
“Your place is under surveillance, remember?”
I clarify patiently again. “I explained
it at the hospital. Management rented a
house until you can go back, remember?
Gated community, lots of privacy.”
Again, now we think of all this.
Not that Kevin doesn’t live someplace secure, but there could have been
improvements made. That wasn’t the
problem, though. It was outside of the
house that was the problem. We blurred
the lines, got over confident, didn’t want to intrude on the normalcy of life.
“Did anyone
call our families?” I nod. Told him that at the hospital, too. “The guys?”
“Yeah. Some of them are here.” He tries to take a deep breath, but it’s
shaky. “I can tell them…”
“No,” he
interrupts with a slight shake of his head, “it’s alright. It’s fine.”
“Just give me
the sign, man,” I tell him. All we do is
sit here though for a while, and Kevin gives in to the tears again, shoulders
shaking, head down, hands limp in his lap.
I sit next to him, helpless to comfort him in any way. This just isn’t something that anyone make comfortable -- shopping one minute,
watching your wife get confronted by a known stalker, and getting outside just
in time to watch her die.
He’s sure it
was Ronnie, but has no idea what happened only being able to watch through a
store window. Ronnie wasn’t allowed
within ten feet of him, or his family, thanks to a restraining order.
Now Ronnie’s
vanished into thin air, out there somewhere.
We don’t know what to expect, have no idea why, where she is…we know
nothing.
Kevin~
It’s all a
horrific nightmare. I know I can’t stay
awake much longer. Whatever sedative
they gave me is doing its job. What’s
that song? ‘Life with the edges taken
off?’ That’s what it’s like right
now. A blurry buffer between me and
reality, but I know that reality exists.
It’s there, waiting for me with its sharp edges and piercing pain, I
just can’t quite get to it...not sure I want to. I can’t fight it yet. I can’t fight anything, really. I have no control. One minute I’m standing there, the next, I’m
shaking in tears. Now, I’m back to
feeling numb and letting myself be taken someplace else to lie down. I’d love to ask them what the point of me
lying down is…but I can’t find my voice.
I just let myself be led somewhere else – this time to a bed.
Is it really
two days already? Two days ago I was
laughing with her before falling asleep for the last time with her in my
arms. Two days since Danni leaned over
me in laughter to wake me up with a sorry excuse that she was hungry… ‘Now that
you’re awake, aren’t you hungry, too?’ she asked me innocently, with such a
playful gleam in her eyes. Two days…is
that possible? Two days ago, I was
someone’s husband. Two days ago I had a
wife. Two days ago…
“In here, Kev,”
Tim says, gently nudging me into the room he’s supposed to be staying in. I don’t even really know when he arrived, or
the rest of the family for that matter.
He steps quickly in front of me and pushes some clothes off the bed and onto
the floor all in the amount of time it takes me to walk to the bed and sit
down. I’m somehow moving through liquid
as the rest of the world flies through air.
Tim’s fussing with the pillows or a blanket or something…he’s moving
around me, and I can’t figure out what it is I’m supposed to do. “Go ahead,” he finally says, “lay down. Try to get some rest.” I just turn my head to look at the pillow at
the other end of the mattress and then look back up to him. “You don’t have to sleep, Kev,” he tells
me. “Just lay down for a minute,
okay?” All I seem to do is blink at him,
though, keeping my hands in my pockets.
“Kev?” he asks slowly, sitting down next to me and putting his arm
around my shoulder again.
Every time
someone touches me I break down, and I don’t have the power to move away before
they can do it. My shoulders keep
shaking and my eyes feel raw and scratchy.
“I don’t want this to happen,” I mumble a loud. “I can’t do it…I can’t. I can’t do this.”
“You don’t have
to do it alone,” he answers me, his hand smoothing the side of my head as I
lean against his shoulder.
“I don’t want
to do it at all. I can’t do
it. It…
I just…” I can only make a fist
and place it over my heart, as if that’s going to explain the ache that’s
there. “I told her it was going to be
okay.”
“You didn’t
know, Kevin,” Tim says gently, moving back slightly to look at me, his eyes
wide with worry. “You thought it would
be.” I move my head side to side,
blinking at him. Why can’t he understand
me? Why doesn’t anyone understand
me? “It’s not your fault, little
brother.”
This whole
thing is some sick, twisted idea of life? This is life? “I didn’t tell her I loved her before they
took her away. I never got to say
good-bye…I never left her without telling her that I loved her.”
He doesn’t have
an answer for me. If he does have one, I
can’t hear it. I just cry myself out
again and struggle to breathe before Tim gets up and I find myself lying down
with slow hot tears cooling on my face.
“Try to get some rest, Kev,” he says softly, sitting back down and
putting a hand on my shoulder.
Danni~
I find him
alone, sitting on the bed, his hair is dirty, flat, but with pieces sticking
up. He hasn’t shaved, his eyes are red
and puffy, dark circles and lines under them.
He looks up and over his shoulder, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen
anyone look so miserable. All I want to
do is reach out and touch his cheek, kiss the tears away. “Oh, Baby, you’re a mess,” I can’t
help but whisper a loud. Can he
hear me? No one else has yet.
“No thanks to you,”
he says, his voice gruff and scratchy.
“Well, I
didn’t have much choice in the matter.”
He stands up,
blinking at me and slowly shaking his head in confusion. Oh God, he can see me? “Fuck, I’m really losing it,” he mumbles to
himself, wiping his hands over his face and looks back at me. “Yeah…fucking losing it. It’s one thing to dream about…but I’m…” He turns his back on me and I can see his
entire body rise and fall with a heavy exhale.
“You’re not
losing it. I didn’t believe in this
nonsense either, but…here I am.”
“Well
then…” He turns back, his eyes
furious. “Why? What the hell, Danni?”
“I don’t
know!” God, I want to touch
him. I want to hold him, comfort him
somehow. “I don’t understand this
either! So far, you’re the only one
that’s responded to me! I was starting
to think I was losing it!”
“You are,
Danni! You lost it all! Jesus H. Christ, you’re dead!”
“Like I
haven’t figured that fucking out, Kevin?
It’s not like I’m having the time of my frickin’ life here! Damn it, I’d CRY if I had a body! I’d scream to anyone that would listen, but
no one can frickin’ HEAR me!”
“I can,” he
says softly and takes a step in my direction, and somehow, he seems to look
even sadder.
“Part of me
was hoping that you wouldn’t be able to,” I confess quietly. Another step closer, and I back away with a
shake of my head. “It’s no good,
Kevin. You can’t.”
“Can’t
what?” He reaches a hand out to me.
“Touch me.”
I lift my arms up helplessly. “There’s
nothing to touch. I don’t exist
anymore.”
“Yes, you do,”
he tells me, but his fingers go right through me, and his heart breaks
more. Mine would too if I had one. “You exist right now…I’m talking to you.” That concept seems to sink in a bit further
and he closes his eyes tightly, sharply inhaling. “Jesus…I’m talking to you. That’s existing…isn’t it?” He looks directly at me.
“Oh, Baby…” I want to fall into his arms and let us
comfort each other, but there’s nothing I can do. I can’t even cry!
“I don’t know
what to do,” he confesses, sitting heavily on the bed. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this
without you. I swear to God, every time
I open my eyes, I keep expecting this whole thing to be some horrific
nightmare, but then I remember…and this pain is too real for it not to be
true.” He shakes his head again. “Shit, for all I know I’ve finally lost my
mind with it because…” A hand lifts in
my direction. “Jesus…” he just mutters
again, trying again to figure this whole thing out by rubbing his face with his
hands. But I’m still there when he opens
them, watching him with my own desperate misery.
“You really
need to sleep, Kevin,” I tell him. “You
look so tired.” With that, he starts
crying. He just sits on the edge of his
bed, slowly shaking his head and crying.
Helpless. Dear God, I want to
comfort him somehow. “Baby,
please…I’ll be right here the whole time…please, get some rest.”
“Do you know
what we’re doing tomorrow?” he asks, clutching the edge of the mattress. “Do you?
You’re being buried tomorrow. I
have to go to your funeral!” Maybe
that’s why I’m still here. And maybe
he’s thinking that too. “How the hell am
I supposed to go to your funeral? What
if…” His voice gets stuck in his throat. “If that’s why you’re still here, and doing
this thing tomorrow is going to take you away from me…? Again?
Danni…I can’t do this. I don’t
know how to do this.”
“Neither do
I, Kevin. But we can’t NOT do it,
either. It is what it is, right? What if this IS it for us? What if this is what’s supposed to happen?” We stare at each other, neither of us knowing
what to do or say. “You have to do it, Kevin. We have no choice. And if this is it? Then you need to know that you made me the
happiest I’d ever been. You made me feel
loved, and special and like I was the most adored and luckiest woman on the
planet.”
“And from the second I saw you, I was obsessed,” he says softly, his
eyes scanning my face nonstop. “There’s
no option for me after you.
You’re my life, Danni, and I can’t do this
without you. I don’t want to do this
without you. I can’t think. I can’t sleep…eat. Breathing feels impossible. I shouldn’t have bothered going into the
store. If I didn’t go in…”
“Stop,” I order, pleading
with his pain. “You couldn’t do anything, Kevin. It wasn’t you. It wasn’t the three minutes it took you being
in the store. No one can know what she
would have done to you if you’d been there.
What happened was bad enough, I don’t even want to consider what could
have gone even more wrong. She’s
sick. You know that.” I knew just how sick, too, once I figured out
what she was saying in our therapy sessions and who she was saying it
about. “It didn’t hurt. All
I could think about was you… That you’d
come and find me and…”
“I did. I tried to hold
you. I wanted to go with you, but it all
happened so fast.” His voice breaks
again and he holds his head in his hands unable to look at me. “I didn’t tell you that I love you.”
I move to sit in front of him.
If I could, I would have my hands on his lap, looking up into those now
horribly devastated green eyes that I adore.
“Kevin! I know you do! I never, for a second, doubted that. I know you didn’t want this to happen. Please…please, please, please, don’t beat
yourself up over not doing, or saying, something differently. I know, okay?
I ALWAYS knew.”
“But what do I do without you?”
“You get to live.”
“That’s not good enough…”
There’s a knock at the door and we both turn as it opens. His mother comes in, peering around the
opened crack. “Kevin? Honey?”
He looks at me quickly, expecting his mother to see me, too, but I just
shake my head. “She can’t see or hear me, Kevin.”
“You should be sleeping, Honey.”
She sits next to him and takes his hands into hers, smoothing a hand
down the side of his face like I want to do so badly. He just keeps looking at me, causing his
mother to look over in my direction – seeing nothing. “What is it, Kevin?”
He looks back to her, glancing to me, and back to her. “I couldn’t sleep,” he ends up saying so
tiredly.
“Do you want me to sit with you for a while?” It’s not really an offer, but one of those
mother-type orders. “You lay down and
I’ll just sit with you until you fall asleep.”
He tries to say no, but deep down, he’s still a dutiful son and he’s so
exhausted his body is trying to take over his mind. He lies down, but he still keeps looking at
me.
“I’ll still
be here when you wake up,” I tell him. He looks
to his mother, expecting that she’ll hear me, but she doesn’t. She just smoothes his hair and offers a
gentle smile. “Please sleep, Baby. I’ll be here.
I promise.”
I go over to the bed, brushing past his mama and she runs her hand over
her arm with a chill. She looks up to where
I moved next to her, checking out the ceiling.
“Is that vent blowing directly on you?
You’ll be sick sleeping in that draft.”
“Don’t think about
it,” I
tell him, knowing what he already figured out.
There’s no vent…it was me. I
settle at the head of the bed, opposite his mama. “Sleep
now, Kevin. We’ll figure things out
tomorrow.”
Kevin~
It’s barely dawn but I’m up and sitting at the kitchen table, looking
out the window into the dusk, squinting to see if anyone’s out there. Danni’s not here, but she’s coming back. I don’t know how I know that, but I do. The house is quiet and it’s like a cheese
grater on my nerves, but blasting the TV would only wake everyone else up and
if it’s low, it only sounds like the quiet conversations everyone’s been having
around me. I need noise -- something
louder than the noise in my head.
Mama comes into the kitchen, pausing at the door with a gentle smile
before slipping her hands into the pockets of her robe. She’s the only one that hasn’t asked me if
I’m okay. She knows what this is like,
to a degree, which is why she doesn’t ask.
She’s waiting for me to tell her how I am, and can see for herself. “Do you mind company, or would you prefer to
be alone?”
“Doesn’t matter, Mama.” I sigh
softly and barely shake my head.
“Have you been up long?” she asks, coming to sit at the table. I just shrug.
I’ve been up for weeks, haven’t I?
At least, that’s how it feels, but I don’t like to sleep. It’s all too vivid when I sleep. She’s too alive, or too dead. Danni flickers in the room, sees mama, blows
a kiss to me and disappears and I inhale sharply, feeling the tears fill my
eyes. Mama looks over her shoulder and
then back to me as she puts her hands over mine with a smile. “It gets easier, Honey,” she tells me
gently. “Honest, it does.”
“I can’t even imagine it getting easier,” I tell her, trying not to
break down into tears again. I have no
control over them anymore. I have no
control over anything anymore. Never
did, did I? And all this time, I was the
perfectionist, the control freak. Is
that irony, or what?
“I know,” she sympathizes, squeezing my hand. “But it will happen.”
“She’s still here, Mama,” I say quietly, looking at the empty doorway.
All mama does is nod with a small smile. “I know.
And you’ll see her, too,” she explains sadly, “for a while.” I look at her quickly, my eyes widening. She pats my hand and gets up from the table
to get a glass of juice, putting it in front of me with the silent order to
drink and get my vitamins. “I used to
see your father at the strangest places, at the strangest times.” She saw my father? “But then, he’d be gone, and I couldn’t be
sure if I saw him or not. I can’t tell
you how many times I thought I saw him around you boys. I’d look out the window and see you boys
coming up from a hike, and swore your father was behind you. Blink, and it was just you boys. I’d check in on you sleeping after work one
day and swore he was at the foot of your bed.
Blink, and it was just you sleeping.
I think that’s just his way of watching over us.”
My father…? I didn’t see
him? He was there, and I didn’t see
him? Where is he now? Is he here now and I can’t see him? “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I never really…” She just lifts
a shoulder. “I don’t know. It was comforting for me.”
“Did you talk to him? What did
he say?”
She chuckles softly. “I still
talk to him, Kevin. But that’s more out
of habit than anything else. I talked to
him for thirty some-odd years. But I
don’t expect a response. When I thought
I saw him, he wasn’t there long enough for me to ask a question… Not that I would. I knew he wasn’t really there.”
“But, what…what if he was?” She
nods, directing me to the juice, which I haven’t touched, and I dutifully take
a sip. “I mean, if you really thought he
was there, why not?”
“Like I said, I didn’t see him long enough. It was just a flicker, a quick flash. Danni will watch over you, too. Take comfort in it, Honey. She’ll never really leave. She loved you so much.” That sets me off, and I release a sob,
dropping back into the chair, letting my hands fall on my lap helplessly. “Oh, Honey,” she soothes, coming to stand
next to me and pull me against her. She
wraps her arms around me and rubs my hair and shoulder softly. “It’s so hard. I know it is.
It’ll get easier. I promise,
it’ll get easier.”
“You really should
be out there,” she says to me as the door to the bathroom closes.
I close my eyes, releasing a heavy breath and lean against the
door. Then I get the vision of the
casket in my head and open my eyes quickly.
I’d rather see the image in front of me, even if I do think I’m losing
my mind. “I need a minute,” I tell her,
exhausted. Exhausted of people,
exhausted of thinking.
“They’re very
concerned about you, you know.”
“I know,” I answer. “I’m
concerned about me, too, if you want to know the truth. I’m talking to dead people…that doesn’t quite
make me all that sane at the moment. My
mother said she saw my father.” Danni
nods, not finding it surprising at all.
“He didn’t talk to her though.
And she said he was watching me, too, but I couldn’t see him.” I can feel tears in my eyes thinking about
it. Did he feel the same frustration
Danni has about not being able to be seen or heard? Did I hurt him by not being able to see
him? “Can you see him, Danni?”
She shakes her head slowly. “I’m sorry, Baby. No. I
don’t see him now, but I’m still figuring this whole thing out. Maybe he is here on a different plane or
something.”
“Or, maybe he’s not here.” I
sigh heavily, sounding angrier than I am.
“That can be a good
thing, Baby.” She sits on the counter top and looks at
me. I just shake my head, unable to
consider what may have happened. How
many times have I ignored him? Is that
why he’s not here? She turns her head
down, thinking a minute. “I thought it was a very tasteful
service,”
she says quietly, changing the topic. “Very touching, what everyone was
saying.”
“We all love..d you,” I say.
It’s hard talking past tense when she’s right in front of me. “Your brother was great, I thought. Although it would have been easier if you
weren’t standing behind him looking over his shoulder.”
There’s a smile on her face. “I wanted to be near him. He was very sweet.” She looks sad now, though. “I’m
going to miss them so much.”
God, I want to touch her. I want
to hold her so bad my arms ache.
Everything just aches to be with her again. It’s such a fucking tease having her here –
and not. It’s like living with a hologram or something
sci-fi.
She’s in the same tee shirt and low-rise jeans she wore the day she
died. She just looks comfortable and
casual…aside from being dead, that is. I
know it’s not really her because she’s not
fiddling with her hair. She used to
constantly brush the hair out of her face with this long sweeping motion, but
she’s not done that once since she’s been back with me. She hasn’t bit on her fingernail either,
which she did all the time too when she was thinking of something, or being
playful. And she hasn’t touched me…not
that she can…but until she couldn’t, I never realized how much she’d touched me
when we were together. Just a hand on my
arm, or shoulder, brushing the hair up off my forehead, quick kisses, holding
hands. We always touched each other, and
this is pure torture not being able to touch what’s directly in front of me.
“Please don’t
look like that.”
“Like what?” I ask, tilting my head slightly just to observe her. It’s all I can do, isn’t it?
“Just…so
terribly sad,” she tells me.
“I won’t, if you don’t,” I answer, turning to the sink to splash my
face with water. I keep expecting to
close my eyes and have her suddenly gone, but each time I open them, she’s
still there. Now, she’s behind me,
looking at me through the mirror. “I know
I can’t see things from your point of view, but from this end… It’s killing me not to be able to comfort you
somehow.”
“Same from
this end. For everyone. At least with you I can talk and be heard,
but I can’t get through to anyone else to let them know I’m still here in some
twisted sense.” She looks at me hard for a long
moment. “Maybe it’s better for them. I don’t know.
Maybe it’d be easier on you if you couldn’t see or hear me. You’d be able to grieve like some normal
person.”
“If I had a choice of losing you for good, or having this, I’ll take
having this,” I say quickly. “I’m scared
I’m going to lose what I have of you now.”
“Is it really worth
it? I mean, isn’t this worse? Not really being here?”
“You’re here.”
“Sort of.”
“Someone exists when they talk to you on the phone, right? You can’t touch them in that medium either,
right?”
She scoffs in a short laugh. “Kev?
This SO isn’t a telephone call, okay?”
“I’m just saying… I don’t know what I’m saying.” I splash my face again and wipe it with the
soft towel, holding it against my face for a minute. “I’m just trying to find some kind of context
that makes sense, I guess.”
“Kevin?” I fold the towel and place it back on the
towel rack, not liking the tone of her voice.
I look at her though, bracing myself.
“I love you, but I
don’t want to spend eternity like this.
I don’t know what I did, but I’m beginning to think that I’m in
Hell. That this is some kind of
personalized torture designed to punish me for something.”
“It’s not… You didn’t do
anything to deserve to be punished.
It’s…temporary, I’m sure it is.”
I’m sure because I know deep down I’m going to really lose all of her
for good. It’s selfish, I know. I know she’s miserable in this state. Part of me finds it torture and miserable
too, but when I think of the alternative, I’m not ready to lose all of her yet, either.
“Maybe this is that limbo everyone always talks about? That there needs to be enough prayers said
for you before you move on?” Maybe it’s me that’s keeping her in this state somehow?
“How much is
enough, though? I saw the people outside
the church. I saw the people inside the
church… What did I do, Kevin? How come I’m not allowed into Heaven? What did I do that was so bad?” If she could, she’d be crying. I know that tone of her voice, and again, I
want to reach out to her, smooth my hand over her hair and down the curve of
her back as I hold her to me…but I can’t.
There’s nothing to hold.
“I’d do it if I knew what I could do,” I say weakly, hearing the tears
in my voice. I don’t want her to
suffer. If it is me doing this, how do I
stop doing it? I would. For her, I would.
“You’d better get
back out there,” she says quietly. “They’re going to wonder if you’re okay
soon.”
“Yeah, all right.”
“And
Kevin? Talk to people, okay? You go out there and are so quiet…it’s not
like you not to work the room.”
“Danni…I don’t want to work the
room. I don’t want to talk to people.”
“They want to
comfort you in whatever little way they can.
Let them…for me. I can’t do
it…let them try.”
Carlos~
Security is posted throughout the room, trying to blend in as best as
we can. It’s hard on some of us having
known Danni so well. My boss offered to
have someone else cover today, but there was no way in Hell I was going to let
anyone else take care of Kevin. I’m not
going to shirk my duties and pass him off now that he needs my security. He needs
to know who’s watching his back and not worry about working out signals or even
just meeting anyone new. No…I’m not leaving his side, and I think he’s
getting some sense of comfort in that.
Or, maybe, I’m hoping he does. He’s not really saying much either way.
He’s just not saying much at all, not that I blame him. This has to be more than overwhelming for
him. He’s always been good in large
groups, which sort of makes my job a little difficult trying to keep track of
him. Aside from me watching over him,
his family is here to take care of him and lead him through everything, but
that’s all he seems to be doing. He’s
just being led from point A to point B and sometimes, he breaks down and cries,
other times, it’s just a blank, miserable stare. He’s always been good at settling nerves, but
no one seems to know how to settle his nerves.
Back from the bathroom, he’s looking around the room again and I cross
over in his direction. “How’re you
holding up, Buddy?” I ask.
He swallows heavily and bites his lips together. “It’s never going to end, is it?” he asks
tiredly. “How long do they have to stay
here you think?”
“I can clear the room in three minutes,” I tell him. “All you have to do is tell me to.”
He looks around a minute and somehow, seems to deflate further. “Nah…not that important.”
“Doesn’t matter if it’s important.
You want me to clear the room?”
“No…but, thanks though.” I
expect him to wander off, but he doesn’t.
He just stands next to me, hesitant.
“Y’all heard from Brian, right?
They made their flight?”
“Yeah,” I answer, surprised he asked about this. “Raoul called from the gate.” I already told him that.
“Oh, yeah…right.” He shakes his
head and I know he doesn’t have the faintest clue about it.
“You sleep yet?”
He lifts a shoulder slightly. “I
guess. I don’t know…sort of.” He puts a hand on my shoulder, offers a weak
smile and heads into the room to sit near his mother.
I’ve seen him exhausted. I’ve
seen him after eighteen months on the road, late night drives, early morning
calls, and I’ve never seen him this exhausted.
He looks haunted, eyes still scanning the room every time he enters it,
but now he focuses on one point after a while – to the point of distraction,
even. Like he’s studying someone, and
every time he does it, I think he’s seeing Ronnie until I look over and see
nothing, just an empty corner.
So far, there’s no sign of her, but that’s not keeping us from backing
off. Everyone except immediate family
that has access to the Boys has to have ID, and we do mean everyone.
I’m checking ID for people I’ve known for years. It hasn’t been easy considering the amount of
people coming in for the funeral. She
was loved and respected and the media has picked up this story and run with
it.
Kevin~
Nick’s
TV is blaring MTV, or some equivalent and I don’t think anyone in this room is
sober enough to realize how loud it really is, or cares for that matter. Me, personally, I’m paralyzed here on the
couch watching the images flicker through the noise and chaos of the
after-hours party. I’m still kind of
surprised I’m not seeing double at this point, pleased too. People are mingling around me, talking to me,
but I’m not really coherent enough to answer them. I’m content to just watch the images
flickering on the screen – kind of amazed by it.
Someone
sits on the coffee table in front of me, but all I do is lean a little sideways
to keep watching TV. There’s an amazing
creature on there, pouting, red, full lips, high arched cheekbones, clear,
crisp deep blue eyes beneath long red hair and I’m mesmerized by the way her
mouth moves. She drops her chin down,
tilts her head and a slick cascade falls across her face, but her eyes are
still watching me, staring at me seductively.
She rolls across a bed with crisp white sheets and arches her back off
the mattress before getting up and joining the band in the corner of the
room. The room explodes with a driving
bass line and she’s dancing around them wearing nothing more than a tank top
and leather mini skirt. She is sex
personified, all seduction and sexuality and femininity and confidence… Hair falls all around her shoulders, hips
grind and circle, her hands outlining her own curves, emphasizing just where
they start and stop, teasing and gratifying all at once.
I
am mesmerized…who the hell is this?
I
look to the person sitting in front of me on the coffee table and ask them,
lifting a finger to the screen. She
looks over her shoulder, and then back at me and rolls her eyes. “Premium Grade.” Another eye roll. All I do is nod, trying to grab every second
of video left. She’s moving back to the
bed, lowering herself down, lips moving around the finger in her mouth as she
stares directly into my soul before the screen blurs and the next video
starts. The person in front of me
snickers, I think, shaking her head at me with her eyebrow lifted in
mockery. “Doubt some rock-chick like
that would be interested in someone like you,” she tells me. “You don’t have nearly enough tattoos,
bling-bling, or party enough for people like her.”
I
suppose I should be indignant, or ask this person how the hell she knows what
this person thinks of us. I suppose I
should pay attention or something, but yeah…later. Right now, I’m watching the television in the
hopes she’ll be back on. I know it’ll
never happen. I’ll probably never see it
again if this is MTV. What’re they doing
showing videos anyway? Since when do
they show music? And am I going to be
haunted by this vision for the rest of my life?
I feel like…I don’t know. Is it
possible to be obsessed watching one video?
I could barely hear if the music was any good! What if they really suck?
What
the hell do I care? As long as I see her
again!
A
face appears directly in mine and her eyes widen. “She’s not your type, Kevin,” she says slowly
and clearly. “Don’t even think it.”
All
I can do is blink. She looks
familiar. Rebecca? Roxie?
“Do I know you?”
She
just rolls her eyes and slowly shakes her head again. “Ronnie…we met a lot of times.”
I
guess I do, then…whatever. She’s
blocking my view.
I sit up,
choking on the air around me, unable to breathe. She wasn’t just a flicker on the TV
screen. She was living and breathing
and… “Oh, God,” escapes my lips. I can see the video in my head, frame by
frame. Living and breathing, and
delicate movements suddenly lying on the pavement and ragged whispers of
confusion as I hold her in my lap and tell her it’s going to be okay.
I don’t even realize
the room is dark until the door is open and there’s light coming in from the
hallway. “Kevin?” It’s Jerry this time…and I try to figure out
if I knew if he was here or not. When
did I see him last? Who all was here
with me for my first night back home? I
can’t move, though. I’m still leaning on
my hands, sitting up in the bed and choking for air. He comes over and sits down, gathering me in
his arms like I’m seven all over again having another nightmare about Kiss in
their make-up. But, man, Jerry, this
isn’t make-believe anymore. I’m living
this nightmare. “You’re okay, Kev,” he
says, holding me tighter and I think he’s crying. “We’re here.”
“Who?” I ask,
realizing that I’d grabbed onto him and was letting go now. I can just make out the expression on his
face, and it’s full of concern. “I
mean…I don’t remember who’s here anymore,” I attempt to explain.
“It’s all
right,” he assures me with a slow nod, putting his hand on my neck
comfortingly. “It’s not important.”
“She needs to
have her pillow with her,” I tell him. I
don’t know why I think of this now, but I do.
And she does. She needs her
pillow. She can’t sleep without it, and
it has to be this certain one. The one
she’s had since she was little. It goes
everywhere with her. “She needs
it.” I slide over the mattress and cross
the room and hallway, push open the door to the bedroom, flick on the light
switch and stop in my tracks.
We were just in
here together, weren’t we? The bed
hasn’t even been made yet. We were going
to just run out, pick up a few things and spend the rest of the day in it… The pillow’s still there, tossed aside, in
the middle of the mattress and partially covered by the blankets, but I can’t
bring myself to go over there. I can’t
force myself to move. We weren’t
supposed to be gone that long…how can she be gone forever now? How did this happen?
Jerry’s behind
me, a hand on my shoulder, steadying me.
“We’ll get the pillow to…”
“How did this
happen?” I whisper, still staring at the disheveled bed. I blink and turn my head to look at
Jerry. “How? It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”
“I know,” he
mumbles, collecting me into his arms just as I break apart again. Both of us are crying, and he’s leading me
out of the room, back to where I just was.
“I’m sorry, Kev…I’m just so very sorry.”
Danni~
His family is going home today and he’ll be left on his own with just
his friends around to keep an eye on him, well, friends and massive
bodyguards. Carlos, bless him, hasn’t
left his side since it happened, and even if he’s not saying it, Kevin likes
having him there. I guess it’s a relief
for him to not have to think about what’s going on around him, too, knowing
Carlos is being his eyes. And Carlos is
all over security like I’ve
never seen before since it happened. I
always thought he was very sweet, a big ‘ol teddybear, but he’s intimidating
now. Just the way he watches every time
the door opens is enough to make anyone think twice. It’s what he trained for. It’s not all bulk, there’s a psychology in it
and you’d think I would have considered all of this before. I understand a lot more about what goes into
protecting them all and it’s scary, thinking they’ll have to live in that kind
of bubble because of me.
It took some doing, but I’m getting better at disappearing and
re-appearing. I learned it by
mistake. Kevin was so upset, unable to
talk to me and breaking down and I just kept wishing I could disappear and make
it easier on him – and did. But then he
panicked, and I felt worse, and I wanted to show myself – and did. Now I’m flickering in and out, trying to
soothe him and I attempt to soothe myself by visiting…people, places…
I miss my mother and little brother so much. My brother would always be able to make me
laugh, no matter how bleak the circumstances were and I could use some of his
magic, but he couldn’t see me and he wasn’t in the mood to make anyone
laugh. And my poor mother… She’s so strong around everyone, but I saw
her cry herself to sleep asking ‘why, why, why?’ last night. Today, she got up and cried until she had to
be with people again, and no one knew what she went through last night. She’s always been the strong one, but who is
strong for her? Who is going to comfort
her? She couldn’t see me either. I just wanted to tell her it wasn’t bad, I
didn’t suffer at all...something to make it easier on her. I couldn’t, but I sat with her until she fell
asleep.
Then there’re my friends.
They’re doing precisely what I knew they’d do. They’ve always been there for each other and
they’ve been able to cry and laugh together, share stories of when we were in
high school and college. They’re
remembering life, and I know they’re
going to be okay because they’re talking and discussing and just letting each
other grieve however they need to. I’m
actually comforted by how they’re helping each other. I just wish everyone had that kind of
support, or wish they’d be open to have it.
Kevin’s friends are trying to provide it the best they can, but this
affected them too. Brian’s basically in
hiding, touching way too close to his fears after his dogs were kidnapped a few
years ago. They, thankfully, were found
pretty soon afterwards, alive and hungry, but fine. He has a family to care about, now. The dogs scared them, but it had a happy
ending. This time, there’s just a
renewed fear that that doesn’t always happen.
Poor Nick doesn’t know what to make out of any of it and he’s trying to
be supportive, but I don’t think he knows how.
Howie is calling or stopping by, just to touch base, and usually AJ’s
with him. They want to do something, but
he’s not opening up to anyone, not even his family. It’s not that he’s not trying, but he just
doesn’t know how, I think.
And I think part of it is me. He
can’t tell anyone he talks to me or they’ll think he’s insane. It didn’t help that he asked Nick if he could
see me after the funeral, either. But if
he could just admit it, say something to someone that would understand, maybe
he’d open up further and let the rest of his emotions out. I know he’s pissed off. I know he’s pissed off at me, even, and trust
me, I can understand why. And I know
there’s more to it, guilt and anger, and sadness… But he won’t let anyone know. He just tries so hard to hold it all back,
and keep everyone distant.
“Why won’t you talk to me anymore?” he says closing the bedroom door
behind him. “Has something changed? Can’t you talk anymore?”
“No, I can,” I answer
timidly. I have to work on this. I get distracted and end up being
visible. “I was just trying to make things easier for you, that’s
all.”
“Easier?” he scoffs, sitting on the bed. “It’s not.”
“Okay…then
I’ll talk to you when no one else is around.
But you can’t go asking other people if they see me, Kevin. They can’t.
You have to trust me that they can’t.
If anything changes and I think someone can, I’ll let you know. But otherwise, all you’re going to do is
freak them out and make them worry about you more.”