Kevin~

“You’re quiet,” I say as she watches me for a long time.

 

Her smile is warm and it looks like she’d take a deep breath if she could.  “I was just remembering that I turned you down for that drink in the bar when I first met you.”

 

“That’s okay,” she says politely.  “But thank you though.”

 

I manage to meet her, and she doesn’t seem the least bit interested.   I get a polite ‘pleased to meet you’ and someone sweeps her away.  She doesn’t even look back and seconds later she’s leaning in to whisper something in her friends ear and they both crack up.  Then the guy looks over at me.  So, they were probably laughing at me.  Great. 

 

AJ comes over so I don’t look like some dejected dork, and pats his hand on my shoulder.  “Strike one, eh?” he asks.  Even better, goin’ down in flames, witnessed by my friends. 

 

Sad thing is, I don’t even have anything to say to him.  I’m just…watching her work the room.  She’s friends with everyone it seems, mingling and chatting easily.  “Dude,” AJ’s teasing me, completely enjoying my predicament, “there’re other girls.”

 

“Not like that,” I answer, trying very casually to point to Danni.  It’s even worse after seeing her in person.  She was already haunting my dreams, but she’s not a dream, or a video, or a picture on the internet.  She’s more beautiful in person, and I can hear her laughing.  I don’t know who interrupted, but it looks like they’re inseparable.  Is that her boyfriend?  Please, God, don’t be so cruel as to give her a boyfriend too!  I mean…well, you know what I mean.

 

And it just gets worse, because she looks over and sees me gawking at her.  She just lifts one eyebrow at me, tilts her head as if she’s about to say something like ‘what the hell are you looking at, Freak?’ before I turn away.  I’m told to forget her, but for the rest of the night, I scan the room to see if she’s still here. 

 

Yeah, this has become a mission for me.  I’m obsessed.  Like one of my fans, I would guess.  And this is just not like me.  I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been told forget it, she’s out of my league, she wouldn’t be interested in someone like me…  Do I have a point to make, or am I seriously obsessed here?  It’s not like me to obsess like this!  Well, okay, it’s not like me to obsess about another person like this.  I obsess about things like work, and performances and stuff, but I’m usually a lot more casual about what people think of me.  I’ve never worried about being the popular kid, or if someone didn’t like me for whatever reason.  I have a really healthy ego…except for now.  Now, if I could, I’d be slipping notes in her locker and asking my friends to ask her friends if she liked me.  I’m better than this!  I’m actually a grown up!

 

Nick comes by, not even having to say a word.  He’s got a smirk on his face and looks like he’s ready to bust into laugher.  I laugh, partly at myself.  “I’m a freak, aren’t I?”

 

Nick laughs, taking a sip from his beer.  “Nice to know you’re not as confident as we all thought you were, if you want to know the truth.  But what if she’s really not interested, Kev?”

 

“You were playing mind games with me, weren’t you?” I ask her.  “Turning me down like that.”

 

She shakes her head slowly.  “No, actually, you freaked me out and I had to go discuss what happened with my friends before none of them believed that you were there and had hit on me.  Stuff dreams are made of, Kev, not stuff that actually happens in real life.  You freaked me out…until I had enough to drink and got rid of my natural filter.”

 

She’s back, drink in hand and I lean over to hear what she has to tell me.  Is she flirting?  Is she just playing?  Teasing?  “My room mate in college adored you guys.  I know all sorts of trivia, especially about Nick Carter.”  Her college roommate?  NICK?   “She’d kill to meet you.”  Her ROOM MATE from COLLEGE?  Yeah, there it goes, that healthy ego, a kicked field goal across the room…bye-see-ya. 

 

“Oh, well…that’s…nice.”  What else am I supposed to say?  I’ve been the source of endless amusement, this one is just topping on the cake, isn’t it?   Even I can laugh about it, but I’m taking every bit of information I can get while I’m laughing.  It’s like a new hobby, working out, learning an instrument, stalking a beautiful woman.  I have become one of those people I’ve secretly teased for doing the same thing to me.  ‘Get a life’…?  I remember having said that in one of my more bitter moments of no privacy.  But I won’t cross the line.  I have promised myself that I will not cross a line.  If I can’t get her attention as a real person, than I’m going to give up.  I just have to figure out how to do it.

 

She leans over and puts her hand on my shoulder before whispering in my ear.  Then again, maybe, the ego may have been intercepted and there’s a chance to recover.  “Thing is?  I always thought you had the better moves.”  She kisses my cheek before pulling back, looks at my waist, “definitely better moves,” winks and leaves me standing there awkwardly.  What the hell does that mean?  Do I follow her?  Stand here?  Leave?

 

“She gave you the line, didn’t she?”  I turn, and it’s the friend standing behind me.  He offers his hand and introduces himself, and we both look over to Danni mingling in the crowd.  “She gave you the line, then?”

 

“The line?” I ask.  I’m not about to make more of an ass out of myself tonight, at least, no more than I have to at this point.

 

“Let’s see,” Jon, the friend, looks at her, then me.  “She told you that you move like liquid?” he guesses.  He shakes his head with my, what I can only guess, is a shocked reaction.  “God in Training?” he tries again.  I almost choke on that one, but sputter an embarrassed laugh.  “Nope, not that one either?  Hmm, she has another one?”  He looks confused.  HE looks confused?  “Relax, man, she’s flirting with you,” he says with a laugh in his voice.  “She tends to let her guard down a little when she drinks.  No filter, you know?” 

 

Okay, ego is back and has been restored.  I’d do the ‘Touchdown Dance’ if I could.  Instead, I just look back over to Danni and smile slightly.  So, it may not be a huge chance, but it’s still a chance in Hell after all.  “Good to know, I guess, except she shot me down earlier.”

 

Jon nods knowingly, a slight smile on his face.  “Don’t let that stop you,” he advises with a smile.   “Do you eat lunch?”

 

Is that a real question?  I crinkle my forehead at him in question.  “Um…usually, yeah.”

 

He nods again, sipping his beer slowly.  “So does Danni,” he hints, looking sideways at me.

 

“Good to know.  Thanks.”

 

 

Carlos~

I made it over here in record time when he didn’t answer my phone call, envisioning what seemed like thousands of ways she may have gotten to him.  “Are you just going to be a fucking shadow for the rest of my life?” Kevin snaps at me when he answers the door.  “Haven’t you figured it out that she ain’t coming around with y’all here!  Instead of staring at me all fucking day, why don’t you go out there and find her?”

 

“Other people are out there trying to find her, Kevin.  And she’s going to come back once she thinks it’s safe and once she thinks that we’ve let our guard down, which is why I’m your fucking shadow,” I tell him plainly, knowing he’s just frustrated.  He isn’t used to constant supervision.  Even when we were touring, he’d be the one that wouldn’t take me everywhere.  We’d discuss, reason, and decide.  Now, he doesn’t have a choice in the matter.  There’s no discussion, reasoning or decision.  I’m here for however long it takes.

 

“This fucking sucks,” he grumbles, hitting his hand against the wall.

 

“I agree.”  Especially if he’s in a crappy, pissed off mood.

 

He stops and tosses keys at me.  “How about I tell you what I want and you go and I’ll stay cooped up in here where I’m safe?”

 

“You know the game.  I’m not your maid.  You want something, you go get it.” I toss the keys back at him.  It might do him some good to get out, protected, but out.  He hasn’t had to go anywhere, or had anything on his schedule for a while and maybe part of his mood is just cabin fever.  He’s not used to doing nothing.  It’s not his style.  “So, what’s the plan then?”

 

“Never mind.”  He sits down and turns the TV on loud.

 

I try calling his name to get his attention, but he turns the TV up and slouches down to rest his head on the back of the couch.  “Kevin!”

 

“Go home, Carlos.  I don’t need you tomorrow, okay?” he says over the noise, flipping through channels.  “Didn’t need you today, but here you are…” he continues, thinking I probably can’t hear him.

 

“I’m here because you didn’t answer the phone when I called,” I tell him, going to the TV and turning it off.  “And so fucking help me, you try that trick again and I’ll move in, got it?”  He glares at me, but doesn’t answer.  “Do you have any idea what went through my mind when you didn’t answer?  Do you?  With all the shit that’s going on?  You’re smarter than this, Kevin!”

 

“Yeah, whatever, Carlos.”  He lifts the remote to turn on the TV again, and I turn it off immediately.

 

“Like it or not, I’m here for your protection,” I tell him firmly, “and sooner or later, you’re going to have to go outside again.  And you don’t have to like it, and I don’t blame you in the least for being pissed off at me, or even scared to do it, but it’s going to happen and I’m not going to let you down again.  You don’t have to test me, Kevin.  I’m here and I won’t let you down again.”

 

“What’s this again, shit?” he asks, tossing the remote across the cushions lightly.

 

“I messed up with Danni,” I explain.  “I didn’t see the signs.”

 

He looks at me in complete shock.  “You messed up?  How the hell could this be on your shoulders?  You were off.  We didn’t call you.  You weren’t even there.  It has nothing to do with you letting anyone down.  You weren’t involved.”

 

“Because we didn’t take it seriously enough,” I tell him.  I’m not looking for the guilt, or the blame, but just accepting the fact that there was more we could have done.  “And if you’re nervous to leave, I’m telling you now, I got your back, Kevin.  I’m not going to let you down.”

 

“You’ve always had my back,” he says sincerely.  “I know that.  I just…can’t.”  He shakes his head slowly.  “I can’t face it right now.  It’s bad enough that everywhere I look in here I think ‘she did this,’ ‘we did that there,’ ‘last time we watched this…’  Going out there, it’s a whole new barrage of ‘we did that,’ ‘she liked this…’  I can’t do it, Carlos.  It’s got nothing to do with you.  I just can’t face it yet.”

 

“Why didn’t you answer the phone?”

 

He looks over to the remote and the TV behind me.  “I probably just didn’t hear it, man.  It wasn’t a test.”

 

“Then do me a favor and turn the damn TV down so you can hear the phone ring,” I tell him, rolling my eyes at him in mock exasperation.  “You’re pulling a Nick, you know that?”

 

“Keepin’ you on your toes, dawg,” he answers, reaching for the remote.

 

“Asshole,” I grumble playfully.

 

He waves his hand at me in dismissal with a half smile.  “Yeah, yeah…go.  I’m okay.”  I shake my head and as I turn, he says, “Thanks for having my back.”

 

“Any time.  I’ll call tomorrow.”  I look at him over my shoulder and he just nods in understanding.  He’ll work it all out eventually. 

 

 

 Kevin~

There’s cotton in my head.  At least, that’s what it feels like and right now, I don’t mind at all.  The sedatives seem to start in the center of my brain and slowly work their way through the rest of my body.  They haven’t gotten there yet, so my shoulders are still tight and it feels like my back is one solid steel pole.  It might help if I didn’t constantly fall asleep on the couch with the TV blaring out the noise in my head, but I can’t tell you how hard it is to consciously force myself to get into bed.  I haven’t seen her in days, in spite of me walking around the rooms asking if she’s here – and getting no response.  I wonder if she’s come and seen me sleep and thinks I don’t miss her?

 

I can barely sleep, and not at all alone in the bed.  I roll over, reaching for her and when she’s not there, all I can do is think about why.  If I do manage to fall asleep, I reach for her in my sleep and wake up when I can’t feel her next to me and that’s even worse, because usually, she’s in my dreams – alive and laughing – and waking up to not having her here makes it all that much worse.  Sleeping in the spare room doesn’t help either, because I wake up and can’t figure out where I am, and it all rushes back to me when I do.  Somehow, being on the couch, waking up to the noise is easier.  I wonder why the TV is loud first, so she’s not the first immediate thought and I’m sitting in the bed listening to her absence.

 

So, basically, I’m not sleeping much.  I’ve done what Carlos has asked and keep the TV down enough so I can hear the phone ring.  I didn’t mean to send him into a panic the other day.  I just wasn’t thinking what must be going through his head.  He really liked Danni, from the first time he met her.  She didn’t freak out with his instructions and never thought of him as ‘hired help’ or ‘security.’  He was part of the family and was invited to all the bbq’s and parties we had as a guest.  They ganged up on me constantly, had fun talking about me with the fans.  I guess I can understand, to a degree, why he’d feel like he let her down, but he wasn’t there.  I was.  I let her down.  I let this happen.  I wasn’t careful enough with her.  Maybe that’s why she’s not here anymore.  It’s been three days and there hasn’t been a sign of her.

 

“Well, damn, Kevin,” I hear Danni chuckle, “how many times are you going to change your clothes to just lay on the couch?”  She appears, sitting on the arm of the couch looking down at me with a soft smile. 

 

I sit up, furrowing my forehead at her.  “What?  Where have you been?”

 

She sits up slightly and blinks.  “What do you mean where’ve I been?  I just saw you.”

 

“Three days ago, Danni,” I say and she begins to shake her head, “three days, yeah.”

 

“No,” she starts, but I nod.  “How can that…?”  She looks absolutely confused.  “I’ve only been…  It can’t be…”

 

“You didn’t hear me call you?” I ask.  “I’ve been all over the house calling you.”

 

Her face softens and she lets her shoulders drop slightly.  “I’m sorry, Baby.  I swear to you, I thought it was only a few minutes.”

 

“Where do you go?”

 

 

Danni~

“I don’t know,” I tell him, completely confused.  He should be allowed to grieve like a normal person and not be tortured with my presence.  Here, but not really.  Alive, but not really.  What kind of sick joke is this, anyway?  What’s going on?  I’m only making things harder but I don’t know what I’m doing!  If I don’t consciously think about being, where the hell am I going?  I’m getting better at ‘being’ and not being seen, but what is happening those other times?  “It was just a minute…I swear, it was just a MINUTE.”

 

“It wasn’t,” he says, and I think he’s angry.  “I thought you left for good.”

 

“I didn’t mean to,” I attempt to explain.  “It’s just…it’s really TIRING to be visible.  You have no idea!  I just stopped thinking for a minute.”

 

“It wasn’t!  Danni, I’ve been calling for days!”

“I’m SORRY!  I didn’t know!  Kevin, I don’t have control over things like you want me to!  I’m doing my best, but I can’t HELP it sometimes!  It didn’t feel like days to me!  Why would I disappear?  What reason would I have?”

 

“That’s what I’ve spent the last three days trying to figure out!  Trying to figure out what I did wrong!”

 

“Why do you feel like you’ve done something wrong?”  I’m a therapist.  I’ve spent years studying the human mind.  Shouldn’t I be able to help him better?  

 

But he just looks up at me, knowing precisely what I’m doing.  “Don’t be my therapist,” he says, tiredly…so tired.  “I don’t need a therapist.”

 

“You might want to talk to someone Kevin.  Seriously, why do you feel like you did something wrong?”

 

Now he looks at me like I have six heads.  For all I know, I might!  I don’t know what I look like anymore.  I can’t see myself, even if I look for a reflection in the mirror or window.  “Something went wrong, Danni, otherwise I wouldn’t be talking to you like this, would I?”

 

“I was killed, Kevin, but that doesn’t mean YOU did something wrong.  Why does there have to be blame?  It was an accident, Baby.  Accidents happen.”

 

“I don’t want to talk about this, Danni.”  He says firmly, lifting a hand up at me and officially closing the topic.

 

It’s impossible to talk to him when he gets like that and when he does that wave of his hand?  I could smack him.  “God, I hate when you do that!  Don’t brush me off!”

 

“I’m not brushing you off!  I’m telling you I don’t want to talk about it, okay?”  Again, he lifts his hand up and turns his head defiantly. 

 

“Put the hand down, Kevin,” I answer him firmly.  He closes his eyes and exhales deeply.  “I’m sorry you don’t want to talk about it, but I’m just trying to tell you it was an accident and you don’t have anything to do with what happened.”

 

“I’m tired of thinking about it, Danni.”  He drops back down into the couch and tosses his arm over his eyes.  “I’m tired of just going over that morning, over and over and trying to figure out what went wrong.”  He lowers his arm to his stomach and looks at me.  “What did she say to you?  How did she find you?”

 

“I don’t know, Baby.  I was just getting in the car and she was there.  She clearly has mental problems, Kevin.  Totally fixated on you and thought I was the person standing in the way of you two being together, but she didn’t mean to kill me.”

 

“The hell she didn’t.”

 

“No, Kevin, she didn’t.  She grabbed my arm, started to tell me that I needed to leave you alone, pissed that I transferred her case to someone else, and when I pulled my arm free, she shoved…” 

 

That’s all I can remember.  Next thing I know, I’m watching my mother on the telephone in shock and horror, silently shaking her head and lowering herself into a chair mumbling ‘dead?  My baby girl is dead?’  I ran over to her, telling her I was right there…right in front of her…why won’t you listen to me?  And it dawned on me that I was dead.  I got to have a breakdown in my bedroom, wanting to kick something, screamed my head off, cried without tears.  It took me a few visits, my brother, my friends, and nothing until Kevin.

 

“Danni?”

 

“What?”

 

“Where are you?”

 

“Sorry,” I say, focusing again and I can see the relief in his face.  “Listen, Baby…I don’t know what I’m doing.  It’s hard to figure out how I’m visible and not and where I go.  I’m not doing it on purpose.  If I go away for a while, you have to trust me that I don’t think it’s a long time.  There’s no way to tell time when I’m…vapor, or whatever I become, okay?  I’m doing the best I can.”  He nods, an attempt at a smile crossing his lips.  “Did you take something?”  He nods again.  “It’s working, isn’t it?”

 

“Yeah, it just kind of kicks in.”  He sighs heavily, his eyelids low and heavy.

 

“Why don’t you sleep then, Baby.  It’s okay.”

 

“It’s not okay.  I don’t sleep anyway.  I don’t want you to go anywhere…” he mumbles, his voice cracking with tears, too tired to hold emotions in check.

 

“I won’t go,” I promise.  “I’ll stay and make sure you sleep, okay?”

 

“I miss you so much, Danni,” he whispers, his eyes closing through the tears.  “I love you so much.”

 

“I love you too, Kevin.  I’ll be here.  It’s okay, I’ll be here.”

 

 

Kevin~

“I have lunch,” AJ announces walking in the door with white bags.  “Get up, man, it’s from that Italian place you like so much.”  I shift a little on the couch and look at him as he crosses to the dining room and puts the food down.  I don’t really attempt to get up, but he doesn’t seem to notice while he’s getting dishes from the kitchen and filling glasses of water.  Once he figures out I’m not rushing to the table, he smiles at me.  “Eating in the living room these days, Kev?  It’s about frickin’ time.  That rule never made sense to me in the first place.”  He fills a plate with pasta and comes over, handing it to me with cutlery and joins me.  “What’re we watching?”

 

“I don’t know,” I answer, putting the plate on the coffee table.

 

He leans over and slides it closer to me again with a distinct look that I’m going to eat it, but doesn’t say anything about it.  “It’s a little loud, isn’t it?” he asks, and takes the remote to turn the sound down.  “That’s better.  You can hear yourself again.”

 

“Aje, what’re you doing here?”

 

“Havin’ lunch,” he answers casually, sitting back and scooping food into his mouth.  “You look like crap, dude.  Shower much?” he teases, but I just sit and watch him expressionless for a minute before turning my attention back to the TV – people talking, laughing, dancing, walking, sleeping, eating…but now it looks more like my reality.  They’re silent and it takes too much thought to figure out what they’re doing.  “Kevin?” he asks, putting his plate down on the coffee table, resting his elbows on his knees, “it’s time to go outside again.  It’s been weeks, now.”

 

“Go where?” I ask him.

 

He shrugs.  “How about a walk?  A drive?” he suggests when I don’t look excited.  “We can head over to Santa Monica and do some shopping?  We don’t have to be gone long, just…”

 

“Just, what?”

 

He looks hesitant for a moment, almost guilty.  “She’s not coming back, Kevin, even if you stay in the house for the rest of your life, she’s not coming back.”

 

“You think I don’t know that?” I growl at him.

 

“TV Land isn’t making it go away, though.  It’s not desensitizing the pain.  It’s still there, whether the Beav gets an A on his report card, or not.”    I don’t need his psycho-babble.  I just don’t care anymore.  Is that really so difficult to understand?  I go to reach for the remote, attempting to tune him out, but he snatches it up first. “So, come on, get up, take a shower.”

 

“I’m not going out today, AJ,” I tell him.

 

“Yeah,” he says with a slow nod, “you are.  Marcus is picking up Carlos as we speak.  So, you’re gonna have something to eat, take a shower, and we’ll go.”

 

“He’s right, Kevin,” Danni says, appearing near the TV.  “You’re part of the land of the living, like it or not.  You have to start moving forward now.”

 

“I don’t want to,” I tell her.

 

“Doesn’t matter,” AJ answers, thinking I’m talking to him.  He would, wouldn’t he?  “It’s happening.  Think of it as…I don’t know, a meet and greet or something.  It’s work, okay?  That’s what it is.  Hard work, man, but you’re up for it.”

 

“How the fuck would you know what I’m up for?”

 

“Cause I’ve been here, and I didn’t have a chance to hide away,” he says.  “We had a schedule to keep and I wasn’t getting out of it.  And you kept tabs on me for a month, making sure I was up to it, coaxing me into living even if I didn’t feel like it.  It was the best thing for me at the time, not being able to dwell on the pain of missing my grandmother.  It was still there, but I got through it one day at a time.  I’m just returning the favor.”

 

Why does everyone compare their losses to this?  Like anyone else has been through this?  My wife is dead!  She wasn’t sick.  She wasn’t old.  She was healthy and alive and laughing until I had to go and leave her for a minute!  IF I just stayed with her, none of this…  This isn’t the same! 

 

“Please, Kevin?” Danni asks, now sitting on the arm of the couch.  “You don’t have to enjoy it, just do it.  For me?”

 

“That’s not fair,” I tell her.

 

“Sure it is,” AJ says, turning the TV off.  “Some day you’ll thank me.  Right now, eat a little and then take a shower.  You’re rank.”

 

“Just for a little while, Baby,” she says softly, pleading gently with her eyes.  “Just a little while.”

 

“You’re coming with me, right?” I ask her.

 

AJ laughs, sitting back with his plate and beginning to eat again.  “No, I figured I’d stay here and wait for you, Marcus and Carlos to come back for me.  Of course I’m going with you.”

 

“AJ will be with you,” she says.  “You don’t need me this time around.  And stop talking to me.  AJ’s going to figure it out soon.  Eat a little, take a shower and go shopping.  It’s going to be fine.”

 

“Yeah, whatever,” I sigh, showing exactly how un-enthused I am by this whole plot.

 

 

Carlos~

Yeah, leave it to AJ to persuade anyone of anything.  His calm, cheerful disobedience makes it impossible to say ‘no’ to when he puts his mind onto something.  Kevin is clearly not having fun or enjoying anything, but he’s here, and that’s a start.  AJ talks easily, laughs at his own jokes, nudges Kevin a few times and gets a grunt or eye roll, but he doesn’t let any of that stop him from treating this as a fun outing for them both.  Ya gotta give it to the guy, he’s unshakable when it comes to his friends’ well being.

 

So far, they’ve been recognized and people whisper and point, attempting not to be seen, but there’ve been a few that have attempted an autograph or picture and Marcus and I have managed to intercept them.  That’s the last thing they need today.  One of them mentions how sorry they are about Danni, and I really don’t know what Kevin would do.  Under normal circumstances, he’d be gracious, but he’s far from his normal self and until he’s there, I’ll be on the defensive and intercept.

 

“Now, here!”  AJ goes over to a rack with Kevin slowly trailing behind.  “See, this!  This is just freakin’ cool!”  He lifts up a light blue plaid shirt that’s clearly hideous.  “I think you should get it.”  He shoves it at Kevin and starts looking further.  Kevin just puts the shirt back and steps back, waiting for AJ to finish.  “You didn’t like it?”

 

“No.”

 

“Oh, come on!  It’s cool!”  Kevin barely lifts an eyebrow at him.  Thing is, he knows AJ better and I’m sure he’s figured out AJ is trying to provoke him into something, anything, to get an interaction going.

 

“Can we go, now?” he asks, looking around the store.

 

“Where to?”

 

“Home.”

 

“Ah, it’s too early to head back,” AJ dismisses him and heads off for another rack.  “What about this one?  You like AD/DC don’t you?  It’s vintage.”  Kevin just looks over to me, miserable.  I think he’s trying to get me to say we have to go.  “It’s a large, too.  Kev?”  He turns back to look at AJ.  “You like it?”

 

“I don’t like anything.  I don’t want to be here and I want to leave.  Now,” Kevin says firmly, catching my eye and starts to walk, but pauses, biting his lips together and looking towards the door.  No one is there, but he’s definitely looking at something.  I can barely just make out the slightest shake of his head.  Then, he turns and head’s back to AJ, watching him.  “How about a walk on the beach or something, instead?  I just…  I don’t want to be here.”

 

“I know,” AJ says, patting his shoulder and leading Kevin out.  “You’re fine.  The air’ll do us some good, some sun…”

 

“Less people staring at me,” Kevin adds, looking at me as he walks by.  “Y’all up for a walk on the beach?”

 

“We’re on it,” Marcus says, trailing behind as we leave the store.

 

We keep a good distance from the guys as they walk ahead.  The breeze is a little chilly, but the sun is warm on my arms and face as we slowly make our way over the sand.  Quite a few people are roaming around, kids squealing cheerfully as they play ‘keep away’ with the surf, and dogs barking and jumping into the water after a stick.  Marcus and I haven’t really spoken, we’re scanning faces, checking distances, looking behind us.  We’re wide open, and Ronnie is still out here somewhere…let’s hope she didn’t decide to take a walk on the beach.

 

Ahead of us, AJ’s walking with his hand on Kevin’s shoulder and Kevin’s got his head down.  It’s got to be overwhelming for him right now.  All around us is a stark contrast to how he’s feeling.  So much life and laughter around him and I know he feels like he’s in a black void, trying to figure out how he’s supposed to feel anything but that pain that’s been stuck smoldering inside of him.  They sit down in the sand, and Marcus and I hang behind, still guarding their privacy and keeping an eye on all the movement around us.

 

“He’s not doing too good, is he?” Marcus says, looking over to them briefly.

 

I shake my head.  I can’t help but feel sorry for the guy.  Hell, we all hurt.  We all miss her, but I can’t imagine how ripe the pain is for Kevin.  “I think he’s trying, but…  We’ve got a long way to go, I think.”

 

“No doubt,” Marcus agrees.  “And it’s not helping that Ronnie’s fallen off the face of the fucking planet.  All the guys are jumpy.”

 

“Do you blame them?  She killed his wife, what more is she capable of to get to him?”

 

“That’s pretty much what we’re all wondering.  I just can’t imagine that she disappeared into thin air, though.  Where the hell could she go?”

 

“My guess is she went back home.  She’s not a native, and anyone of her friends here, if she has any, would know what she did.”

 

“Someone like that is usually too creepy to have many friends, don’t you think?”

 

“Well, yeah, but you know…takes all kinds.”

 

AJ gets up and heads over to us, looking a little concerned.  “Hey, would it be possible for someone to go get the car?  He wants to head back and I don’t really think he needs to roam through town right now.  He’s kind of losing it.”

 

“I’ll go,” Marcus says to me, and we silently shift gears for me to move in closer to watch the two of them until he’s back.  It’s busy, but no one’s really paying much attention, so if I move in closer, I’ll still be able to keep them in my radar just in case. 

 

“Thanks, Marc,” AJ says and glances over to me as he leaves.  “Everything reminds him of her,” he tells me sadly.  “There really is no escaping it.  It’s either too much like her, or too contrasting to her, or brings up some memory.  I don’t know what to do for him.”

 

I put my hand on AJ’s shoulder as we head over towards Kevin.  “You’re doing just fine.  He knows.”

 

He sounds doubtful when he says ‘Yeah, I guess’ but goes back to sit next to Kevin.  The entire ride back Kevin’s silent, staring out the window and we all keep glancing over to him helplessly.  He’s doing just fine, I keep telling myself.  Probably still in shock, right?  But maybe being out today will soften the blow the next time he attempts to join the world.

 

 

Kevin~

Do you ever get the feeling that days are recycled?  That there’s a feeling you have on a certain day, something really wonderful or awful happened, and when the day is over, it just gets put back in line and comes back.  Same wind direction and the same sun and the same…  I don’t know.  It’s just the same but you’re in a completely different place and recognize it?  Different that de-ja-vue, because it’s not the same thing happening, just the same back drop.  A perfect day for a walk, she said.

 

She’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.  I’m completely distracted by her mouth until she moves and I get distracted by something else.  She’s not being intentionally provocative, either, just in every day clothes like the rest of us mortals, but still, somehow, is provocative and I am mesmerized by her as she sits across from me at this little outdoor café with a light breeze and the sun glistening in her red hair.

 

“Sorry I’m late,” she apologizes, sitting down after I stand and kiss her cheek.  “I got backed up with one of my patients.”

 

“So you said in your message,” I answer with a smile.  “I’m glad you could get away.”

 

“Well, it’s hard to fight with ‘a person’s gotta eat sometime!’ right?” she teases me with my argument to get her here, winking playfully at me.  “And it’s too nice of a day to stay cooped up inside.”

 

“So, what is it you actually do?”

 

“I’m a therapist,” she answers, and there’s a secret smile she gets that I have to ask what it’s all about.  She giggles and we order before she explains.  “I don’t know…just sometimes it sounds funny to say I’m a therapist instead of saying I’m STUDYING to be a therapist, since it seems like all I did for forever was STUDY.  It’s pretty cool to hear myself say I am one, even if I’m just starting out.”

 

“It sounds pretty impressive from this end,” I tell her.  “How long have you been in practice then?”

 

“A little over six months.”  She is beaming with pride and leans back as our drinks are placed on the table.  “I’m still building up a clientele, but I’m getting there.”

 

I lift my glass.  “To building a practice,” I offer and she clinks her iced tea with mine.  “So, if you’re a therapist, you have to explain how you get in a video to me.”

 

She covers her face with a hand and shakes her head, red hair draping all around her.  “Oh, God, that video!” she groans.  When she lifts her head, she’s blushing.  “I’m friends with the band.  I was dating one of them at the time and needed money for books, so I took the job, totally thinking that no one would EVER see it.  They were supposed to go with a different single, but low and behold…they release that video.  I wanted to die!”

 

“Well, speaking from a marketing point of view, it was a really good move on their part,” I tell her, watching her blush again.  “And I’m grateful they did, otherwise, I might not be here right now.”

 

“You ARE charming, aren’t you?” she laughs, looking away to let the breeze blow her hair off her face.  “I know all about you Hollywood types.”

 

“Ah, but I’m definitely NOT a Hollywood type,” I correct her.  “I’m strictly a misplaced Kentucky boy making music.  I’m here for the weather.”

 

“Uh huh,” she teases.  “And all those premiere’s and parties I see you at are what?  Formality?”

 

“Networking,” I answer.  “Sometimes you have to play the game to get a good spot in it.  I learned the business the hard way, but I did learn it.  And, I don’t mind going out to a good party on occasion.  Do you?”

 

“It’s been a while since I’ve been to a good party,” she says with a smile.  “I think the last one was the one I saw you at that time.  And that was only because my friend Jon, do you remember him?  The tall guy, really short, cropped hair?  He made me go.”

 

“That’s the one you dated?”

 

“A long time ago, yeah.  We’re much better off as friends.”  She nods knowingly as our lunch arrives. 

 

So, how do I broach the rest of this?  How do you nonchalantly ask if there’s anyone else she’s dating?  Would she be here if she was seeing someone?  Is this considered a date?  Isn’t lunch the new date or some such thing?  Brian said it was a date, but I told him it was just lunch…  But is it?  It sort of feels like a first date.  God knows I’m nervous, not that she looks nervous.  Do I LOOK nervous?

 

“..wrong?”  I look over and she’s looking curiously at me.

 

I shake my head slightly and smile.  “Sorry…what?”

 

“Is there something wrong with your order?” she asks, looking to the plate I haven’t touched.

 

“No…no, it’s fine.  Just…got lost in a thought.  Sorry.  How’s yours?”

 

“Wonderful,” she raves, biting into her sandwich.  “I’ll be able to eat it for a week, though!”

 

“Well, hopefully not all week.  Maybe I can take you out to dinner one of those days instead?”  That was smooth, wasn’t it?

 

She looks down to her plate and then back at me with a small grin.  “I’d really like that.  But how about we finish lunch first?”

 

And we did.  And then we just walked around the neighborhood near the restaurant, pointing out little houses and I held her hand.  That day was just like today.  I’m never going outside again if I’m going to be ambushed like this.