Danni~

Isn’t being able to communicate with one person better than floating around through obscurity for an eternity, wondering if anyone else will be able to ever see, or talk to me again?  How long do I exist in this state?  Do I ever just vaporize?  Do I ever go away?  I’m losing time so quickly.  I don’t know how long I go away for anymore.  I think about someone and somehow, I appear in their room.  How many times has someone said they wouldn’t mind being a fly on the wall?  Trust me, it ain’t all that!  It’s frustrating not being able to join in, be heard.  Then I get frustrated, and think of someone else, and I’m there.  I think I’m just checking in on family and friends, and come to realize I’m not flashing.  I’m not seeing them in the same day, but all different days.  I don’t know what I’m doing!  What I think is a minute turns out to be hours, even days.  And when I go back to Kevin, he’s in a complete panic because he’s so scared I’m going to disappear completely.  It’s not that I want to leave him, but really, is all this fair to him?  He’s not getting a chance to go through the grieving process properly, and it’s so important that he sieve through all these emotions.  He keeps getting stuck.  Used to me being gone, but not quite.  Used to not having me completely, but I’m there.  Maybe that’s why the wedding vows say to ‘have and to hold.’  Once you can’t ‘hold,’ what are the boundaries?  We’re not married anymore…hello, I’m dead!  But we’re in some weird existence where neither one of us know how we’re supposed to act.  If I left…or even if I stayed hidden, he’d be able to get on with things.  It’s the least I could do, right?  But then I see him and he’s such a mess, I can’t just sit back and watch him in that pain.  I can’t just leave him hurting so deeply. 

 

What am I supposed to do?  How am I supposed to help him through this if I’m the one that’s hurting him?  Where’s all those mystical ghostly powers people claim to see in haunted castles and houses and what ever?  I can’t move things!  I can’t walk through walls…although, I probably could if I wasn’t so afraid to try.  Not that it can hurt since there is no ‘me,’ I suppose.  But I can’t haunt properly!  I have never felt so useless in all my…life.  Or any form thereof, I guess.   If I could, I’d be haunting Ronnie and making her turn herself in.  Even when I think of her like I do with everyone else, I can’t find her.  And believe me, I’ve tried, hoping she’d be able to hear me and I could scare the crap out of her, intimidate her enough to do the right thing.  They all need to know that she’s seriously ill with a delusional disorder and get her the help she needs.  It would also help everyone get back into a more normal life.  They wouldn’t have to keep looking over their shoulder to see if she was there.  Kevin believes with all his heart she meant to do this, but she didn’t.  She’s not in any stable sense even if she did, but I know…  It’s not the usual pattern for female stalkers.  They don’t usually intend to do harm…intimidation, sure, but not usually physical harm.  Not premeditated anyway.  But Kevin wants someone to blame for this.  She’s not blameless, but she’s not guilty either.  She’s just sick and truth be told, there just isn’t anyone to blame.  He won’t hear it, or discuss it with me, and that’s not good either.  He’s holding something back and it’s just going to keep eating away at him until he deals with it, too.  And that’s not helping matters any either.

 

Right now, he’s dropped off on the couch and I’m just glad he’s getting some rest, even if it’s not enough.  Looks like he’s been there for a while with dirty dishes scattered around on the coffee table and a blanket shoved in the corner.  I know he was supposed to go to lunch with Howie…I think it was today, but for all I know it could have been last week by now.  But he’s in jeans and a long sleeve tee shirt, so he did get dressed today.  That’s something, right?   

 

 He wakes up with the sound of the doorbell and sits up, looking at the door, letting it ring a second time.  He keeps looking, shoulders dropped tiredly and sighs before finally shuffling over to answer.  AJ’s there with a fading smile when he sees him.  Kevin doesn’t even greet him, but turns and heads back to the couch.

 

“I have coffee,” AJ says, trying to sound cheerful and coming in.

 

He peers over his shoulder at him, confused at first but then recognizing what he said and nods, dropping down into the couch.  “Cool…thanks.”  AJ clears off a chair from mail and magazines and sits down, handing him his coffee.  Kevin fumbles with the top and takes a careful sip before putting it on the table.  “Ah, about yesterday…sorry.”

 

What happened yesterday?  Damn it!  Where was I?

 

“Well, that’s partly why I’m here,” he starts cautiously watching Kevin clasp his hands around the coffee cup and drop his head forward.  “It was two days ago,” AJ corrects him and he squints in confusion. 

 

Two days?  Where the hell have I been for two days?  What happened?

 

“Yeah…two days,” he continues.  “Kevin, you need help, man.  I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through or even know how to help, but you need something and we can’t give it to you.”  Kevin drops his head again, exhaling deeply.  “Kevin?  You’re over the edge, man.  You’re losing days.  Have you slept?  Eaten?  Showered?  We’re scared.  Can you see that?”

 

“I…”  He just puts his head in his hands and slowly moves it side to side. 

 

“We don’t think…we’re not trying to say that it’s not understandable, but there has to be something, or someone, that can help you transition through this more easily.”

 

“That’s why you went to Clive, right?” he asks without looking at him.  “You asked Clive to make me go?”

 

They went to Clive Davis?  For what?

 

“We didn’t want to push you away further and thought if it came from us, you’d avoid us more.”  AJ switches seats to sit next to him and puts a hand on his back.  “We can’t imagine how much you miss her.  We can’t imagine what it’s like trying to move forward without her.”

 

“Aje…”  He turns to face him, grabbing his hand tightly, “man…how do you get to the other side?  What are you supposed to do to get to them to the other side?”

 

AJ grabs Kevin’s hand in return and looks at him pointedly.  “Kevin…she’s already there.  She’s safe, man.  She’s with God,” he says slowly and gently.

 

He pushes away from him and hides his face in his hands.  “No, she’s not!” he screams.  “I know…look, I know y’all think I’m insane.  Hell, maybe I am at this point, I don’t know.  I don’t know!  But damn it, she’s not with God!  She’s not in a better place!  She’s here!  She’s with me!  And I know no one else can see her, or hear her…but…”  He drops his hands and looks at AJ wildly.  “She’s here, AJ.  We can’t figure out how to get her over to the other side.  We don’t know why she’s not…”  He closes his eyes and tries to take a deep breath.  “Please don’t look at me like that…  I’m not out of my mind.  I swear to you.  I don’t understand it and hell, if anyone else was telling me this, I’d think they were nuts too, but I swear to you…  I swear I’m not making this shit up.”

 

“All right, Kev…calm down,” AJ says with a slow understanding nod.  “You’ve been through way too much.  Seeing her that way…being there…”  Kevin’s crying now, dropping his head back into his hand and slowly shaking it side to side.  “It’s too much for one person to take.  This is why we think you need some professional help, Kevin.”  He moves closer to put his arm around his shoulder, but Kevin tenses up and pulls away.  “You need to get some help, Kev.”

 

“I’m not losing my mind,” he mumbles tiredly.

 

“You need some rest,” he tries to explain.  “Look at this place.  Look at yourself.  Kevin, none of this is like you.  You’re just not coping…and it’s all understandable.  You had a huge shock, an unbelievable loss.  Let someone help you through it.”

 

“Stop it,” he groans into his hands.  “Stop talking to me like I’m some child.  I know what I’ve been through.  I also know what I see.”

 

“Dude, I don’t doubt it,” AJ tells him, and Kevin looks up at him.  “Seriously, I don’t.  She loved you, man.  We all saw it, and it’s just like her to stick around and check in on you.  It’s not that that we’re worried about.  It’s you, because you’re not handling anything else, and no matter how much you miss her, you have to keep living.”  AJ just waits while Kevin looks at him, silently crying.  “Okay?” he asks, keeping eye contact.  Kevin leans forward, resting his head on AJ’s shoulder and mumbles ‘yeah.’  AJ wraps an arm around him and looks around the room, possibly looking for me?  He settles with looking up to the ceiling and mouthing ‘thank you’ silently.

 

I mouth it back to him, even if he can’t see me.  He’s reached Kevin and managed to get him to get the help I know I can’t give him, in spite of my training and best efforts to do it for him myself. 

 

 

Kevin~

“Danni…where are you?”  I knew I shouldn’t have said something, but man, I was just so tired of hiding what all I was going through.  I figured it couldn’t hurt if I asked how to get her to the other side.  I was desperate.  Now, I’m ‘away for some rest.’  And really, what the hell difference does it make, right?  Who knows, maybe I really do need it.  Maybe I really did have a psychotic break.

 

“I’m here, Baby.” So much for that theory.  “How’re you holding up?”

 

“They’re probably listening, or watching, everything I’m doing,” I whisper and she sighs deeply.  “I told you I couldn’t do it, Danni.  I told you I couldn’t live without you.”

 

“You’re doing okay, Kevin.  I wish there was something I could do to make this easier on you, though.  I’m not helping you at all.”

 

“Yes, you are.  Just hearing your voice is comforting.  But, Dan, I’m scared.”

 

“So am I.”

 

“They all think I’m losing my mind.  I don’t know how to explain this.  I don’t want to deny you’re here with me.”

 

“Just say you feel like I’m here.  But, aside from me, you have to talk about it, Baby.  You have to tell someone what you’re thinking, or feeling.  And I promise…I won’t be there when you do it.”

 

“Don’t make me go through it alone.”

 

“You have to, Kevin.  I can’t be there in your sessions.  You can’t think that anyone else is there, or worry about how I’m going to react to what you say.  You have to do that alone.  I’m sorry, but it’s what you need to do.”

 

“I’m so tired.  I’m already so tired.  I just don’t know what to think or say anymore.”

 

“Just say what you feel.  That’s all they’re asking you to do.”

 

“I don’t know what I feel!” I whisper angrily.

 

“Yeah, you do.  But you have to let yourself be okay to feel it and that’s what you’ve been fighting all along, isn’t it?”

 

Sighing heavily, I lie back on the bed and stare over to where her voice is coming from.  She’s not visible now, but it might be better that she isn’t.  “I have nothing to fight for anymore.”

 

“Oh, Baby,” she sighs, “you have everything to fight for.”

 

“What’s the point?” I ask.  “What’s the point when people get away with murder?  When murder is just a headline and no one cares anymore once the day is over?”

 

“Who got away with murder?  Who doesn’t care?”

 

“Ronnie got away with murder.  Don’t you know that?  They’re not pressing charges.  She’s just going to some mental hospital.  Hell, she might be my fucking neighbor at this point!”

 

“Ronnie didn’t murder me, Kevin.  I told you that.  She didn’t mean to kill me.  She IS sick.”

 

“Not good enough,” I tell her.  “That’s not good enough.”

 

“Kevin…”

 

“And where were you?” I ask.  “Why don’t you know what happened Ronnie?”

 

“I was with my brother,” she says.  “He wasn’t doing very well, and then…well, you know how I’ve been losing track of time.  But aside from where I was, Kevin, you have to accept that Ronnie’s just a very sick woman.”

 

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

“You have to talk about it at some point, Baby.”

 

“Not now,” I say, brushing her off.  I know she hates when I do that, but I can’t talk about it.  She doesn’t push me to, and she starts humming instead and I can feel her touching me…not in any distinct motion, but I can feel the coldness of her touch on my forehead.  She’s here, that’s all I care about.  She’s not completely gone from me.  She really is here.

 

 

 

“What does it matter?” I question my therapist in sheer frustration.  “Why do I have to go over it?  Do you really need the details that much?  Read the police report.  Read the court transcript.  It’s all there.”

 

“I’d like to hear you tell it.”

 

“I wasn’t there!” I scream at him angrily.  “I wasn’t!  I got there after it was all done and she…” I can’t breathe.  I get to this point and just can’t breathe.

 

“And she, what, Kevin?”

 

“I wasn’t there,” I just repeat wearily.  “I don’t know.”

 

“Kevin, you were there.  She died in your arms.”

 

“No, she didn’t.  She died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.  She was still alive when I…”

 

“No, Kevin.  She wasn’t.”  All I can do is look at him blurring through the tears in my eyes.  “Tell me what happened,” he says gently.

 

“I just wanted to run into the store to get her that bracelet.”  I wipe the tears from my cheek, but keep looking at him, feeling the air in my lungs slowly escape.  “She pointed it out to me a few days before and mentioned it again that morning, so I went inside to get it…to surprise her…and I looked out the window and saw Ronnie with her…when I came out…”  I try to take a breath, but my ribs are constricted.  “People were screaming.”  I close my eyes, still hearing the ear piercing fear.  “No one knew what really happened.  People saying she came out of no where, the driver saying he didn’t see her, over and over, and over.  And they were near our car.  Someone yelling to call 911, get an ambulance.  She was on the ground.”  I’m going to pass out.  I can’t breathe.  I can’t swallow.  My whole body is shaking and sweating.  “She was on the ground…and I pushed my way through.  I knew it was Danni.  I just knew it was her.  And she…”  My voice cracks and I can see her so clearly, crumpled in the street next to the car door.  I gathered her in my arms and there was just a small trickle of blood...a nose bleed.  It couldn’t be that bad…there wasn’t a lot of blood.  “All I could do was hold her, tell her to hold on.  Not to leave me.  Not to die.  I told her it was going to be okay!  I told her she’d be okay!”

 

“She wouldn’t be, though, would she?  You knew that, didn’t you?”

 

“But there wasn’t a lot of blood...” 

 

“How did you know she wouldn’t be okay, Kevin?”

 

I’m sobbing now, not caring anymore how loud I am, not caring if I ever stop, not caring who can hear me anymore.  “She looked at me, though!  When I picked her up and brushed her hair out of her eyes…  She looked at me.  She smiled.  I told her…I told her she’d be okay.”

 

“How did you know that she wouldn’t be, Kevin?”

 

“Because she went limp in my arms!  Oh, dear God, she died in my arms!  She never had a chance and I couldn’t do anything to help her and the last thing I told her was a lie!”

 

“Okay…now, let’s get to work.”

 

 

Danni~

He’s back in his room and although he looks wrung out, there’s a sort of calmness around him, albeit sad.  He’s sitting on the chair, looking out the window at the garden, leaves dancing lightly in the sun and wiping his cheeks every so often.  I’m not sure if I should interrupt, or leave him be.  I just wanted to check in and make sure he was all right.

 

“I didn’t mean to lie to you,” he says though, not really turning or moving.  I’m not even visible yet.  “I know you’re here, and I wanted to say that I didn’t mean to lie to you.”

 

“I know that,” I say, still staying in the air particles.  Maybe it’s easier if he doesn’t see me right now.  “I knew that all along, Baby.”

 

“I didn’t know what to do,” he continues quietly.  “I always know what to do.  I’ve always been able to think on my feet, and I didn’t know what to do.  And I just…”  He exhales heavily, closing his eyes slowly.  “…couldn’t face that there was nothing I could do.”

 

“No, there wasn’t, and that’s okay, Kev.  No one is blaming you.”

 

“Except me,” he says simply and remains quiet.  He slouches a bit further down into the chair, putting his feet up on the windowsill and pulls something out of his pocket.  “This is why you’re dead,” he says, opening his palm to show me a delicate gold bracelet with a single heart in the center.  It’s the bracelet I liked from that jeweler on Melrose.  “I was getting you this.”

 

“Oh, Kevin…” I whisper.

 

“I don’t know what to do with it, so it’s been in my pocket since…”  The sentence trails and he runs his thumb over the delicate metal before dropping it on the windowsill next to his feet.  It shines brightly in the sunlight and he keeps his eyes on it.  “I loved you, Danni,” he says finally.

 

I appear in front of him, resting my hand over the bracelet and smile gently at him.  “I loved you, too.”

 

 

I can’t seem to leave, don’t want to, just in case he wakes up.  I feel like I’ve let him down too much with all the time I miss, not knowing how long I’m gone anymore.  And right now, he’s scared and vulnerable and I can’t add anything more.  I’ve already done enough.  Maybe I should have fought this somehow.  Maybe if I didn’t give in so easily after I was hit…?  I mean, it’s not like I didn’t fight it, but I wasn’t sure what was really happening.  It was just suddenly quiet and I felt really light and I couldn’t move or think.  It wasn’t scary, either.  It was sort of like floating in a warm pool or something.  It was relaxing…and the next thing I know, I’m screaming, trying to get my mother’s attention.  It wasn’t just a weird dream.  I was dead.  But even now, I don’t feel like am mentally.  Physically, sure.  I have no body, but I can still think.  Isn’t it Shakespeare that said ‘I think, therefore, I am?’  But what am I?

 

“Someone who loves my son.”  I recognize him from the pictures I’ve seen and he’s sitting at the foot of Kevin’s bed, leaning over slightly watching Kevin sleep.  He sits back a little and looks over at me with a kind smile and crisp, blue eyes.  “That trick comes with time,” he explains softly.  “Knowing what another one is thinking.  It’s okay.  We all kind of question for a while.”

 

“But…what…?  You…?”

 

“Love my son, too,” he says with that same casual nod Kevin has.  He looks back at Kevin for a moment and I see a smile.  “He was always such an energetic kid, you know?  Never did anything half way…full throttle all the way.  Didn’t matter if it was in the right direction, wrong direction, no direction.  He just made it work no matter what the cost.  And this one…he couldn’t make work.”

 

“So, what does he do now?”

 

Jerald looks at me.  “He makes it work.  It’s just going to take time and a lot of readjusting.  He’ll do it though.  He just needs to realize he’s stronger than he thinks he is.”

 

“He misses you so much.” 

 

Jerald nods and looks at Kevin warmly.  “I know.  I miss him too.  But I’ve been there.  I think he knows that…senses it some how.”  He looks back to me.  “You looked stunning when you got married, by the way.  He made the right choice when he married you.”

 

If I had tears, I’d be crying.  I’m having the conversation Kevin wants to have with all his being with his father, hearing all the things he wants to hear coming from his dad.  “He’d give anything for one conversation with you.”

 

Jerald says with a slight shrug.  “I have the conversations with him.  I never let this stop me from listening to him, giving him advice when he asks for it, being proud of all his accomplishments.  He’s made me very proud.”

 

“I’ll tell him that,” I say.

 

“It won’t be like this forever, Danni.  You’ll figure it out.  The way it is now?  The way time disappears?  It’s just a blink of a moment.  You’ll learn how to feel when they need you.  And don’t worry, they will.  You’re not going to be forgotten.”

 

“Is this it, though?  There’s no…heaven?  Reincarnation?  This is eternity?”

 

“No, but it’s part of it,” he says, and somehow, it’s very comforting.  “And we’ll meet again.”  He gets up and rubs the back of Kevin’s head tenderly.  He leans over, whispers something and kisses him before turning back to me.  “Right now, he needs you.”

 

“But what good am I doing him?  I’m only…”

 

He walks over to stand in front of me, looking at me with such gentleness.  “Loving him the most when he needs it the most.   Don’t underestimate that.  There’s a reason he can see and hear you.  I did my job with him, prepared him for what I could prepare him for.  Just keep loving him, reassuring him…  He’s going to be fine, Danni.  And so are you.”

 

“Thank you,” I whisper gratefully.

 

“I’ll see you again, Sweetheart,” he says before fading.

 

 

 

Epilogue

 

Danni~

I can’t help but like her.  I’ve been standing in the corner of the room watching the boys mingle and laugh, tease each other and inadvertently, talk shop and harmonies and music.  She’s been polite and funny, and I like the way she smiles at Kevin.  It’s sort of shy, but flirty, not pushy, just interested.  And Kevin’s been the perfect gentleman with her.  Taking her sweater, offering her drinks, introducing her to everyone, laughing, charming…  He’s the way he’s supposed to be, the man I loved.

 

When he goes into the kitchen for some ice, I wait until he opens the freezer.  “She seems very sweet,” I tell him, watching him smile gently and nod slowly.  “And she likes you…a lot.”

 

“I think so,” he says quietly, turning to me, looking almost guilty.

 

“It’s okay, Kevin.  It’s what you’re supposed to do,” I tell him with a smile.

 

He looks over his shoulder, hearing the guests in the other room and lowers his voice.  “I didn’t think I’d see you again.  It’s been months, did you know?”  I shake my head.  “You said you wouldn’t leave,” he tells me sadly, a little confused.

 

“I didn’t leave,” I explain.  “I’m not going to, but Kevin…”  I glance at the doorway towards the living room.  “You don’t have to see me for me to be there, Baby.  This is what’s supposed to happen.  All that, in there…including other women.  I’ll be there for everything, when you get married again, when you have children, in the audience of your shows.  Heck, I may just pop up on stage to keep you on your toes.”  I smile warmly, tilting my head slightly. 

 

“The stage is off limits,” he says with a weak smile and I think we both know our conversations aren’t going to be as long and intimate anymore.  It feels like we’re breaking up or something…  At least, letting go of the desperate desire to get back what we simply can’t have anymore, and being okay with it.  Sad and comforting all at once.

 

“All right, no stage” I agree, “but I’m going to be there…just like I have been these last few months.  I’m in your heart, Kevin.  I’ll always be in your heart.”