Long
and
Page
2
By Cori
There was a
quick knock on the bathroom door the following morning. “Breakfast is here,” she called to him as he
turned off the water of the shower. He
dried off and slipped on one of the white terry cloth hotel robes and tied the
strap around his waist, leaving the towel around his shoulders to absorb the
water from his hair. He heard her
chatting to the room service waiter and paused inside the bedroom to dry his
hair just a bit more before running the brush through it. Doing so, he glanced at the bed and noticed
her purse, with her wallet on the bed.
He forgot about tipping the guy, so she probably did. He took another glance at the wallet, left
open, and moved a little closer, his eyes catching on the picture inserted in
the plastic photo insert.
Beaming
back at him was a little girl, with straight black hair, and high cheekbones,
sitting in front of a backdrop of colorful balloons, wearing a green velvet
dress with white laced edges…and dazzling green eyes beneath thick lashes. He looked at the empty doorway, picked up the
wallet to get a better look and the child’s eyes seemed to mirror his
exactly. She couldn’t be more than three
or four…and he could feel the blood drain from his face.
“Hey, your
breakfast…” She stopped just inside the
doorway and felt her heart stop when she saw him holding her wallet. She’d forgotten completely about the picture
inside…just dropping the wallet without a thought on the mattress.
He turned
to her, his eyes curious, and he lifted the wallet just slightly before turning
to look back at the picture. “Katie?” he
asked, his voice filled with confusion.
He looked back to her and lowered his hand to his side. “You…”
She felt
the air drain from the room and she held onto the doorframe for a moment,
trying to formulate words, but failed.
When she opened her mouth, she couldn’t figure out what to say, in spite
of having rehearsed it for years in the bathroom mirror, on the way to the
venue last night… Nothing came to her as
she looked at the hurt, confused expression on his face. She never should have taken the job. She never should have come. This whole thing was a mistake, a huge,
disastrous mistake.
“Katie?” he
questioned again, his voice a little stronger, but he sat on the edge of the
bed, still holding the wallet and glancing at the picture again.
“Please
don’t be mad,” she muttered softly, her voice filling with panic. “I was going to tell you…”
He looked
at her, eyebrows lifted in irony.
“When? Sometime before she
graduated high school?”
“Kevin,
please…don’t be mad,” she repeated, covering her mouth with her hand as her
eyes filled with tears.
“So…last
night? You’re looking to give her a
sibling or something?” he snapped, too many emotions filtering through him to
figure out what he was saying clearly.
“I made you
use a condom,” she answered, a slight edge to her voice in retaliation.
“Oh, that’s
right,” he snarled, “I feel much
better now.” He looked back to the
picture in wonder and slowly shook his head.
“Katie! What the…”
“And you
wonder why I didn’t come to you sooner?” she asked, her heart pounding with
fear, but her voice covering up with sarcasm.
“When I know how understanding and rational you can be?”
“You had my
baby and didn’t say anything?” he started, his voice rising before catching himself
and bringing the tone back down. “How long ago?”
“
“
“She’s
yours, yes,” she answered softly with a slow nod and wide, nervous eyes. “I can
explain…I just don’t know how. I didn’t
plan on you finding out like this…“ She
bit her bottom lip and closed her eyes tightly.
“She’s such a good kid…really smart, and happy and curious…. Everyone she meets in the playground is
immediately her new best friend. And she
draws all the time, making rainbows and smiley faces. She adores Elmo and Dora…” He just lifted his head and blinked at her
with tears in his eyes. “And she sings
‘I’m a Little Teapot,’” Katie continued cautiously in spite of her voice
cracking with tears. “Oh, God, Kevin,
please…don’t hate me.”
“Why the
hell didn’t you tell me?”
“Because…” Again, she tried to find the words to
explain, but her mind erased all the words.
He looked so hurt and confused, but she couldn’t be sure if it would
turn to anger, either. “It just…I just….”
“I had a right to know, Katie! Jesus
Christ! I have a child? I’m a father?” He was definitely teetering on the edge of
outrage and she could only close her eyes and wait. “All this time? I’ve had a child and you didn’t bother to tell me?” He kept his voice low, but there was no
mistaking the rage in his tone, or in cold look he gave her. “I have a right to know.”
“I know,”
she whispered, wiping tears quickly from her cheeks.
“I want to
meet her,” he told her firmly, but she lifted her eyes to look at him, only
shaking her head slowly. “What do you
mean, no? Katie! She’s half mine!”
“Kevin,
no…don’t…”
“Don’t?” he
questioned ironically, standing up from the bed and holding the picture out to
her. “Don’t what? Be a part of her
life? Get to know her? Be her father?”
“She’s just
four, Kevin,” she pleaded. “She won’t understand who you are…why you’re
not like the other dad’s she knows… It’s
been just the two of us for as long as she’s been alive. She won’t understand.”
“Well,
we’ll just have to come up with some way to explain it to her because I’m not going to pretend she doesn’t exist,”
he said decisively. “I have a right to
be her father.”
She turned
around and went into the suite room, sitting down on the couch heavily pushing
the urge back to sob. It was a bad idea
to come here, to see him, in the first place and now she chastised herself for
leaving her wallet out like that—totally unthinking what he’d see when he came
out of the bathroom. Not thinking at
all…why would he look? Why would he pay attention in the first
place? And how was she going to explain
it to him? To Chelsea? It was hard enough making her family
understand, but Kevin? She agreed he had
a right to know, but all she was doing was trying to protect everyone involved. It wasn’t because she didn’t trust him. She just didn’t want him to feel trapped, or
manipulated. Now, she looked as if Chelsea
was something she was ashamed of, and it was the furthest thing from the truth.
“Katie.” She just took a slow, steady breath and
closed her eyes at the sound of his voice.
“We have to talk about this.”
“When? In between your media schedule and tour
dates? When will you be back in town,
maybe you can fit me in your schedule then,” she found herself saying
sarcastically.
“Don’t you
even fucking dare,” he seethed,
coming further into the room. “This
isn’t my fault. You haven’t even given me a chance to make
this a priority – don’t you dare go making excuses already for something I’ve
never even done.”
She turned
to look at him, partly amazed, partly amused.
“And you’re going to stand there and tell me that your career isn’t the
foremost important thing to you? That it
isn’t going to get in the way of being a parent? This isn’t just something…” She couldn’t even finish. “Never mind.”
“That’s why
you didn’t tell me sooner? You decided
what I’d give priority to for me?”
“I didn’t decide.
I was there, Kevin, remember?
Remember what you were doing four years ago? Remember Europe? Germany?
Because I know, being someone who was on tour with you at the time, how I had to squeeze into your
schedule. I can’t even begin to imagine
how you’d attempt to squeeze a child that didn’t even have a sleeping schedule
down into it. Jesus, Kevin, even now, you
haven’t managed to settle down and have any kind of real relationship! What do you think you can do
differently? How do you expect not to
break her heart? How do you expect to
explain world tours and scheduling to a four year old that doesn’t even
understand the concept of time?”
“I deserve
to have the right to try.”
“No. You don’t.” She stood up and brushed past him, heading
back into the bedroom to get dressed as quickly as possible, but he followed
her.
“The hell I
don’t! Who gave you the right to take
her away without even consulting me?
Without ever even giving me the chance?”
“Kevin! Let it go!” she yelled, tugging her jeans
on. Screw the rest. She balled up her shirt and bra and shoved it
into her purse, deciding to wear just his tee shirt home – as long as she could
just get out of the room sooner. This
was a huge mistake, just a huge, colossal mistake.
“You walk
out of here, and you’ll be dealing with so many lawyers, you won’t be able to
tell any of them apart,” he threatened, turning to watch her walk towards the
door.
“Right,”
she said coldly, turning to look at him over her shoulder, “because that’s in the best interest of our child. Thanks.” She stormed out of the room and attempted to
slam the door, but hotel doors never close that quickly. She felt some relief hearing it slam on it’s
own as she headed down the hallway, trying to avoid looking at anyone in it and
praying she could just escape.
Kevin flung
the door open, thinking Katie was coming back to talk it out, but instead,
Howie was standing there. He was looking
at Kevin solemnly, slightly nervously. All Kevin did was leave the door open and head
back into the suite room, shaking his head in confusion. “Want to talk?” Howie asked carefully,
knowing something was very wrong.
He could
hardly think straight enough to form the thoughts in his head and looked
helplessly to Howie. “I’m…” he started,
just shaking his head slowly. “She
didn’t even tell me, man! She didn’t even…” He exhaled heavily, feeling the room spinning
around him. “I have a child, Howie. I’m a father,
and she won’t even...”
“You’re a what?” he asked, shocked.
“A father, Howie!” he yelled, lifting an
empty hand to the doorway. “She had a
picture, and I just happened to look down and it was there, and I knew.
I immediately knew and she
told me and…walked out! Told me to let
it go? Let it go?”
“She’s
probably scared, Kev,” he said, sitting down on the settee. “That’s probably all it is.” He noticed the carafe of coffee on the room
service cart and poured a cup, setting it aside. “Sit down a second, let yourself breathe.”
Kevin did
as instructed, but felt restless and unable to think about anything else. All the things he’d already missed – first
words, first steps, walking… All this
time, he had the chance to experience it, and it was stolen from him.
“She can’t
have her,” he said decisively. “She’s
mine, too. I swear, half an hour ago,
the only thing I was thinking about was having some breakfast. Breakfast…and
my entire life changed. Just
changed. I haven’t even figured out how
to believe I’m a father, much less think about what it all means. I just know that I need to do the right
thing.”
“For who?”
Kevin
looked sharply at Howie and sat forward.
“For who?”
“I’m just
saying…talk to people before deciding anything more, that’s all. I know you, Kev. I know you go in with both barrels loaded and
steam roll yourself into things, but there’s going to be a lot of people
affected by this, mainly a kid that doesn’t know who the hell you are and
you’re going to turn her life upside down whether or not you mean to, you know?”
This is why
Kevin was so close to Howie. Not only
were they closest in age, but Howie had a unique talent to take that step back
and see the broader picture more than Kevin ever had, and he wasn’t afraid to
tell Kevin his views, no matter what.
Somehow, Howie always managed to say what needed to be said without
pissing off anyone, staying discreet, and making it known he wasn’t passing
judgment.
“I know,”
Kevin mumbled, dropping back into the seat and taking a long breath. “I’m just freaked.” Howie just nodded slowly in
understanding. “I never considered this
would ever happen, that she’d ever be here again, we ended things so crappy
before, this was kind of like…”
“Break up
sex?” Howie offered.
Kevin shook
his head. “Like it didn’t happen,” he
admitted softly. “If she had stuck
around…I don’t know what might have happened.”
“You’d have
known you were a father a lot sooner,” Howie said.
“God damn,” Kevin muttered, closing his eyes
wearily.
Katie sat
in her car with the motor running, but couldn’t move to drive away yet. Her vision was still blurry with tears and
her entire body was shaking nervously.
She half expected someone to come chasing after her, and kept looking in
the rearview mirror, but so far, she was alone, and the only person that came
into the parking garage after her got into a car and left without looking at
her.
She could
only keep running through the argument in her head and each time, she seemed to
panic more. Kevin could hire a team of lawyers, and if he did, she didn’t stand a
chance against them. She couldn’t afford
to fight the legal advice he could muster and the more she thought about it,
the heavier she started crying. Chelsea
was her entire life. She couldn’t
imagine having to give her up. She
couldn’t imagine how to explain this to her.
She
couldn’t remember why she thought it was a good idea to see him, or why she
thought it was okay to spend the night with him. Hormones…it was purely hormonal. Had to be.
One look at him and all rationality went out of her head. All he had to do was kiss her and her
convictions disappeared. Weakness. Blind weakness, that’s all it was and she
should have been stronger. If she hadn’t
been so weak, none of this would have ever happened. She’d be home, cleaning up the breakfast
dishes instead of sitting in some parking garage at a hotel while her daughter
had a sleep over at her mother’s. Her
life had been fine…why did she just
go and ruin it?
Eventually,
she calmed down enough to slowly make her way home. She needed to shower, change and calm down before going to pick up Chelsea,
but even then, she knew she’d take one look at her and start crying all over
again. Part of her mind was busy trying
to figure out some way to leave town, pack up their things and go into
hibernation some where so Kevin couldn’t find them. But the other part of her knew it wasn’t fair
to any of them. Kevin was a good person. He’d be an amazing father. Chelsea
wouldn’t want for a single thing for the rest of her life, probably. But she could also lose her privacy. Regardless of how discreet Kevin would want
to keep it, the story would get out somehow.
Maybe it wouldn’t be that huge, but when she thought about AJ’s rehab,
and the publicity Nick got with “Hotel Hilton,” she wasn’t so sure. They’re trying to make a comeback and this
would fuel the press around them, either to promote or demote their
credibility, and it would probably have very little to do with Backstreet’s
doing. It would just be the media.
And then
there was the fact that Kevin was never in one place. Even when he wasn’t actively working on
Backstreet, he was doing plays, and fundraising all over the place, visiting
his family in Kentucky, going on vacations, premieres, holiday’s,
recordings… And once a tour started,
well, who knows when he’d get the chance to be a father. And how would Chelsea react to something like
that? How could she understand something
like that? Here’s your father, but he
doesn’t have time to see you? Is that
fair?
Is it fair
to not give her a father at all, though?
Could that be why she went in the first place…in the back of her head,
is this what she had hoped would happen?
Letting fate make the decision
for them instead of trying to decide on her own?
She tried
taking a deep breath and picked up her cell phone. “Mom…hey, hi, it’s me…” She did her best to
sound cheerful, but her mother saw directly through it. “No…no, really, everything is fine, I just… Would it be possible for you to keep Chels
another night?” She held her breath,
trying not to cry. “No, honestly, Mom…I
just need another night… That’s okay,
leave her be. I’ll call her a little
later. And mom? Thank you.”
She turned
the air conditioning on high and pointed a vent directly at her face, and
closed her eyes another moment, gaining some kind of composure – at least long
enough to get home where she could let herself cry in peace and try to figure
this whole thing out.
She looked
at the phone as it rang…once, twice…three times, and quickly picked up the
receiver, only to hesitate before she answered, knowing who it was on the other
end. “Hello?” he questioned into the
silence.
“Hi,
Kevin,” she answered quietly, already thinking about hanging up before saying
anything more.
“Please
talk to me,” he pleaded urgently. “Don’t
hang up.” She could only listen, feeling
herself starting to shake with nerves. “Katie?”
“I’m here.”
“Can we
meet somewhere? Talk about this?”
“I…”
“Come on, Katie,
I can’t just find out there’s a child out there and let you walk away – just
like that. Please, just meet me
somewhere so we can talk about it like mature adults.”
She found
herself giving him directions to a coffee shop near by and agreed to meet him,
but as she hung up, she could only sit and stare at the carpeting. She knew she had to talk to him. She knew he had rights to her baby…their baby. But she just couldn’t seem to bring herself
to come up with some way to explain what she did. She knew he’d be a good father, even under
these circumstances, but it was more about the circumstances than Kevin. All the circumstances – why she did what she
did, Kevin’s lifestyle, not wanting to disappoint Chelsea with a part time
father. But now he knew and she had to
give him the chance he deserved. At
least, give him the opportunity, right?
If it didn’t work out, then she would be there. She’d been there all along.
When she
walked in, he was waiting, sitting at a table towards the back and she had to
admit, he might look more nervous than she felt. He stood up when she approached and motioned
to the chair across from him politely and waited for her to sit before he sat
back down. It was by far the most
awkward they’d ever been with one another.
“Thanks for
meeting me,” he said, keeping his eyes on her and that was going to be
difficult. Whenever he looked at her,
she got lost in his eyes, now, she got lost and nervous.
“I’m…” She paused when a waitress came over and they
just ordered a simple coffee – not even wanting to think about what’s on the
menu. “I’m sorry I avoided you so long,”
she started once the waitress left. “I’m
a little panicked, though.”
“I just
need to know why you didn’t tell me,” he said urgently, his eyes darting back
and forth between hers. “Something this
huge…”
“I
know. But believe it or not, I didn’t do
it maliciously.”
“I know
you, Katie. I don’t think it was…but I
don’t understand why. Four years? You couldn’t tell me in four years?”
“Look at
those four years, Kevin. I swear I
thought I was doing what was best for everyone here. Your career was just starting to explode when
I found out. Then you started breaking
over here and what do you think it would look like? Me trying to cash in. So I figured I’d wait a little bit. The next time you were here, was a world
tour, then you were engaged – and like I was going to tell you before you got
married? Like that would be fair to you
and your finance? And then the next
tour…and you broke up, so I come swooping back with a kid? Like that looked even remotely tasteful? And everything happening with AJ. The media would have jumped all over that
just because it was more dirt on a Backstreet Boy. And if I went ahead with it, it would have
looked like I was just trying to jump on some bandwagon. The longer it went on, the harder and harder
it got to tell you. And then I saw you
and I was going to tell you. Then we got
drunk, and we slept together…and I woke up telling myself that that was it. I wasn’t taking the job and wasn’t going to
tell you about her and we’d go our separate ways.”
“Then why
did you leave your wallet open like that for me to find the picture?”
“I didn’t leave it open. I seriously didn’t think about it. I just grabbed some cash to tip the room
service guy, dropped the wallet on the bed without thinking. It wasn’t that plotted out, Kevin. What were you doing looking in my wallet
anyway? What were you looking for?”
“Nothing!
It was left open, I saw the picture of the kid and…took a closer
look. I don’t know why. It was just there and I saw it. I wasn’t going through your wallet. And even if I was, it’s not something as bad
as what you were holding back from me. You should have told me, Katie. No matter
what was happening in my life, I would have kept things under control.”
“Like you
could control that?” she asked, raising her voice but lowering it again
quickly. “Like you could control
that? One leak out of your entourage is
all it takes. Why do you think I avoided
your calls? I don’t want Chelsea hearing
her mother is some money hungry slut, Kevin.
I’m petrified what she’s going to hear if someone talks. I understand the reasons behind what I did,
but that doesn’t mean that anyone else is going to bother to listen to it, or
believe it. Like it or not, something
like this is news worthy. Even if it’s
just a news blip, or a sentence…it’s not going to be fair.”
“Do you
seriously think that I’d let something like that happen?” he asked, looking
honestly hurt. “As ugly as this sounds, Katie,
we have lawyers for this very reason: to protect the innocent from our
nonsensical lives. This isn’t a matter
of public record and they would make sure it never would be. And if it was, they’d make sure the correct
story was told.”
“As long as
it flattered the pop star,” she said, doubtfully. “Kevin, I’ve been living here long enough to
know how it all works.”
He just
looked at her, sadly. “I might not be
the most upstanding guy in the world, but I was hoping that you would know me a
little better than that. I figured you,
at the very least, would be able to give me the benefit of the doubt with our
past.”
“Our past?
I thought I was dating you…until your real girlfriend came for a visit,” she sneered. “And you asked me to ‘lay low’ for a few
days, remember? And you want me to trust
you with my reputation and have a part in the future of my daughter? You treated me like some cheap
plaything. What if someone does find out about her, what are you
going to say, or do, to be teased about or over hear and be hurt? Our past,
Kevin, is the same thing as it was a few nights ago. We meet, we fuck, and we go our own way
without ever thinking about what it is that we’re really doing.”
“That’s not
fair,” he mumbled. “Four years ago…that
whole thing with asking you to lay low…I was wrong. I know
I was wrong.”
“And yet,
you did it anyway. How wrong were you?”
“It may
have all been very different if you stayed.”
She shook
her head with a disbelieving smile on her face.
“Oh, no. This isn’t going to be
put on me. This was your doing, not mine. If you
wanted me to stay, you shouldn’t have told me to keep my distance for a few
days while your girlfriend came to
visit and then pretend that I was nothing to you when I did see you an hour
later. Do you know? Do you have any idea how degrading that was for me? How used
you made me feel? Of course not. That would mean that you would have had to
think of someone other than yourself.
And if you want to know the honest to God truth, Kevin, that’s why I didn’t want to tell
you. Because somehow I felt that this
wouldn’t be about Chelsea. It would be
about you. And it’s not. It’s about Chelsea. And she’s my
life, and she’s been the focus of my entire existence since I knew I was
pregnant with her and I don’t want you
or anyone else taking that away. She’s a
happy kid, Kevin. Let her stay
happy as long as she possibly can.”
“Wow.” He sat back slightly and tilted his head just
slightly. “You were waiting a long time
to tell me off, weren’t you? Is this my
punishment? Not being told I was a
father? Because, in case you were too
involved to notice, my life was a little messed up at the time and I didn’t know if I was coming or going.”
“And what
happens the next time your life gets
a little messed up and you’ve got a responsibility to a four year old, or
record executives? Or better yet, you
have a responsibility to a four year old, or some media wanting to make a
public display of our little indiscretion?
What do you do then? This isn’t about you, or me, or whatever
happened between us. It’s about my
daughter.”
“Our
daughter,” he corrected. “You keep
trying to snag me with that, but you’ve said yourself, I’m the father. That makes her ours.” Her heart was
starting to pound against her chest and she regretted the decision to come in
every way. She waited too long. He had too much time to process the situation
and he’s come out on the end of wanting her and nothing she said was going to
sway him. Plus, now he felt challenged
and she knew that cocky, calm, self-assured expression planted on his
face. It was his ‘You Lose’ look, and
she knew she had. “We can discuss this
like adults, in the best interest of Chelsea, or we can see what your lawyers
can say to my lawyers, Katie. She’s ours, and I’m not going to be punished
because I pissed you off or because I wasn’t informed of her birth.”
She leaned
her elbows on the table, crossing her arms and tilted her head in the exact
opposite direction of his. “Sell me,
Kevin.”
“What?”
“You tell
me, right now, what difference you think you can make in her life. Sell yourself to me, Kevin. What can you actually do for her?”
“Be her
father,” he answered, leaning up on the table, challenging her in return. “Love her, listen to her, play with her,
teach her.”
“Teach her
what?”
“How to
worm a hook, ride a bike, swing a bat, catch fireflies on a summer night, read,
write – if she doesn’t already. Whatever
she needs me to teach her. Whatever she
needs me for, Katie, I’ll be there
for her. Careers and media, and label
reps, and reputations be damned. From
the second I saw that face, she’s been part of my conscience and nothing you
say or do is going to get her out of it.”
“What does
everyone else think about it?”
“There is
no everyone else, only Howie knows. Once
I leave here, I’m going to go to the rest of the fellas and tell them, and then
management. But I’m not leaving here
until we’ve resolved this somehow.”
“Resolved?”
she scoffed. “You mean you get your
way.”
“No, I mean
until we come to an agreement of some terms.
Most importantly, when can I meet her?”
Now her throat was closing over.
She was certain of it. No air was
passing through and she swore the room was spinning around her. “Katie, I just want to meet her, not take her away from you,” he said, watching her
carefully. “Is that what you’re thinking? That I’m going to step in and take her away
from you?”
“I don’t
know what I’m thinking,” she whispered quickly, feeling tears spring into her
eyes. “I’m just petrified.”
He moved
his chair in closer to her and put a hand over hers as he leaned in. “Katie, I don’t want to take her from you,”
he said slowly with stern intent, his eyes focusing in on hers tenderly. “I just want a chance to be part of her life, not take it over.”
“I’m
sorry,” she whispered, shaking her head and pulling her hands away from
his. Before she knew it, she was heading
towards the door, trying not to suffocate and unsure if she’d actually make it
outside. She didn’t realize she knocked
into a small table, or hear the patrons yelling at her. She could only see the door, hear her own
footsteps echoing in her head until she was out in the hot sunlight, and felt a
warm wind against her face. She didn’t
go anywhere, though. She just stood at
the small railing around the coffee shops patio section, knowing Kevin would be
right behind her seconds later. She
couldn’t walk any further if she wanted to.
She just wanted to breathe.
“Katie?” He sounded worried, which she didn’t
expect. She thought for sure he would be
annoyed at the very least, but he was standing next to her, a waitress standing
at the door with a glass of water ready.
She could feel his palm radiating heat between her shoulder blades as he
stood silently and suddenly, he was handing the cool water to her, his voice
rumbling low next to her, although she wasn’t sure what he was saying, or if he
was even talking to her.
“She’s my
baby, Kevin,” she said quickly, her voice low.
“She’s my baby. I’m sorry… I just…I’m sorry. I should have told you. I know I should have said something, but
she’s my entire life. I love her more than anything else on the
planet and just thinking I might lose her…”
“Do me a
favor and take a slow, deep breath, Katie.
Slow, deep breath and try to focus on what I’m saying to you,
okay?” He had to have done this
before. His voice was so soft and
gentle, completely soothing through the rushing of blood in her ears. “I don’t want to take her from you,” he said
calmly. “You are her mother and I’m not
going to take her away from you. Now,
take a sip of water…just a sip.” She could
hear the ice cubes rattle against the glass as she lifted it to her lips and
did as she was told. “Take another
breath.” She breathed in and blew the
air out slowly. “Now, look at me.” He watched her with such concern, she
suddenly felt like an idiot. “You’re her
mother, and I would never take her away from you. I just want a chance to give her a father,
too.” He waited a moment, watching her
expectantly. “Believe me?” She could only nod and took a short, quick
breath. “Okay…now, let’s go sit down
over there for a second until you’re a little less panicked, and just…try to
calm down a little, okay?”
“I’m
sorry,” she said after they sat down and she felt as if she could swallow
again.
“I’ve seen
panic attacks before, and hell, if there’s anything to have a panic attack
over, it’s the thought of losing your child.”
He wasn’t flippant, but he did have a smile on his face, almost as if he
was teasing her. “We cleared the air?”
“Yeah, I
think so.”
“You know
I’m not after custody?”
“Yeah.”
He hesitated
a second and looked at her, lifting his eyebrows. “You gonna freak if I ask to meet her again?”
“No,” she
said, trying to smile, “but I’m still going to go home and puke.” He looked sympathetic, remaining silent. “I swear, Kevin, you are the only person in
the world that makes me feel like I have no control.” He still didn’t say anything, but his
eyebrows twisted together in confusion.
She only lifted a hand and closed her eyes briefly. “Some other time,” she muttered and sighed
deeply. “Friday. Chelsea’s home from day care at 5. Are you free Friday?”
“I am now.”
Katie
pulled her purse around from her shoulder and set it on her lap, unzipping one
of the outside pockets. She pulled out a
wallet-sized photo and grinned down to the face smiling back up to her. “Here,” she said, handing the picture over
with a shaking hand. “You should have
something to show off when you tell people.”
He took the
photo and looked down to it for a long moment, his eyes almost gleaming with
pride, then he leaned over and kissed her cheek tenderly. “Thank you,” he whispered, before kissing her
cheek again.
Brian
looked up from the picture in his hand, his lips tight and the rest of his face
expressionless. “She looks like
you.” He stood up slightly to hand the
picture back and sat down again.
“Because
she’s mine,” Kevin answered, a bit taken aback by Brian’s reaction. Kevin couldn’t help it. Whenever he looked at the picture, he
smiled. “I’m going to management this
afternoon – to tell them.” All Brian did
was nod calmly. “Am I missin’ something
here?”
“No,” Brian
answered with a slight shake of his head.
“It was bound to happen to one of us, wasn’t it?”
“What was?”
“An
illegitimate child, although I thought more that it would be AJ’s than yours. But, it was bound to happen.”
“You mind
showing a little bit of enthusiasm for a new member in our family?” Kevin
asked, searching his face.
Brian
blinked at him, furrowing his eyebrows.
“You mean…”
“What? You thought I wasn’t going to step up to the
plate?” He held out the picture. “She’s mine,
Brian.”
“You’re
actually gonna…”
“No, Bri, I
just figured I’d give it a shot and see how it goes and if I don’t like it,
I’ll just stop. What’re you thinking? You’re the only
one capable of being a father in this career?”
“No! That’s not what I meant! But this isn’t like announcing you’re
pregnant. This is…”
“Showing
responsibility for your actions,” Kevin interrupted with a firm voice. “And we’re not going to make it public so
they can sit back and scrutinize. This
is private. This is why I’m going to
management and we’re going to talk. This
has nothing to do with our music, or tour schedule, or anything else remotely
related to my career.”
“You think
that’s going to happen?” Brian asked blandly.
“We
maintained control of the whole AJ thing, and Nick getting arrested. We’ll maintain control of this, too. I don’t think it’s going to be that big of a
deal, honestly. We’re not in the
spotlight as much and I think most people have figured out we’re human. It’s not like I’m the first guy to father a
child with someone they’re not married to.
Hell, look at Steven Tyler – they didn’t get much heat. People aren’t going to hurt a child
intentionally.”
“Steven
Tyler isn’t in the Backstreet Boys,” Brian said skeptically.
“It’s off
limits, and I have no problems saying so.
Besides, no one is going to make a fuss because honestly, how often is
our private life interrupted anymore? At
the most, there will be some tabloid picture.
If they want to make it into something, we’ll stop it. Joey Fatone managed it okay and his career
didn’t seem to take a nosedive, now did it?
Or anyone associated with
him.”
All Brian
did was nod in agreement, although none too assuredly in Kevin’s opinion. Over all, it didn’t matter to him. Chelsea would
be accepted by the family – at least, he hoped.
First, Chelsea had to accept him.
Katie was
much calmer the next time Kevin spoke to her to get directions. When he parked in front of the house, he sat
for a moment, taking a breath, actually nervous. It was a typical LA stucco bungalow, small,
but tasteful. From first glance, he
figured at least, two bedrooms. Very
modest. He couldn’t think of what else
to bring her, so he bought a small doll, making sure it wasn’t too extravagant
in case it looked like he wanted to buy her love, but he wanted to bring something. The front door opened, and Katie looked out,
offering a smile and waved. That was the
most reassuring he’d seen from her.
She opened
the screen door for him and kissed his cheek as she let him in. Inside was bright and airy, comfortable and
lived in, and two older people were standing just inside, smiling at him. “These are my parents,” Katie said, “Matthew
and Lila. Like I said, I figured it was
best to keep to her schedule. You know,
you’re safe if mommy, grandma, and grandpa are here too.”
“Pleasure,”
Kevin said, offering his hand to them.
“Friday
night is our ‘date night’ but we’ll give you as much time as you’d like,” Lila
said.
“She should
be home any minute now,” Matthew said, moving further into the living room and
sitting down on the couch.
“My
neighbor went to pick her up ten minutes ago.
So, sit…do you want something to drink?”
Katie asked.
“Uh,
just…some water would be great.” He sat
down, the nerves returning as he settled back into the overstuffed chair and
smiled at Katie’s parents. They seemed
nice enough, welcoming, anyway, which was somewhat of a surprise. They had to know who he was, right? Right now, it seemed as if he was the only
person that felt any animosity towards himself, and he wasn’t even aware he
felt that way until that moment.
“She’s just
a darling little girl,” Lila said, breaking the awkward silence. It was as if he was back in high school,
meeting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time – but on steroids. “Bight and funny.”
“Here you
go,” Katie said, handing him a glass of water and sitting on the arm of his
chair. “You look nervous.”
He drank
some water and politely placed it on a coaster on the table next to him. “Yeah, I guess I am.”
Katie
rubbed his shoulder gently. “Can’t
imagine why,” she teased. “It’s fine,
Kev. She hasn’t bitten anyone in at
least six weeks.”
“Mommy!” A little girl came running in the door
holding a pink book bag and waving a piece of paper in the other. She was wearing a purple tee shirt with
purple paisley leggings and fell into Katie’s lap with a hug. “We made pictures today. Look!”
“Wow…you
did that yourself?” Katie asked, looking at the paper.
“Look!” She grabbed the paper from Katie and ran
around the chair to her grandparents.
“Chels,” Katie
said, getting the child’s attention, “can you say hello to our guest?”
The child
turned around and looked at him, slowly sizing him up and finishing with a
smile. “Hello.”
“Hi, Chelsea. I’m Kevin.”
He leaned forward and extended his hand to her.
She looked
at his hand and furrowed her eyebrows.
“You’re mommy’s friend, right?”
“That’s
right.”
She stepped
over and tossed her arms around his shoulders, hugging him tightly. He wrapped his arms around her tiny frame and
held as tight as he dared, feeling the tears forming in his eyes before he
closed them tightly. When he opened
them, he saw Lila smooth a tear from her cheek and smile to him. “Want to see my room?” Chelsea asked, pulling
back and sticking her hand into his.
“Come on. It’s pink!”
She was
rambunctious and not in the least bit shy.
Her doll was immediately named Brittany, after Brittany Spears, of
course, and he heard the entire story about she got to meet her because mommy
was taking pictures of her. That turned
into a recital of all the people she met because her mommy took a lot of
pictures, but Brittany was still her ‘favoritest.’ He then met all the stuffed animals on her
bed, a litany of popstar names, and she told him when she grew up she was going
to be a teacher. That bit of information
led to her day care teacher, and what they did in school, and who was her best
friend, and she confided in him that she already had a boyfriend, but she had
to punch him because he tried to hold her hand.
His head
was swimming by the time she announced that she needed to go on ‘date night’
with her grandparents and she escorted him back into the living room where the
adults were trying to hide their chuckles, giving him a sympathetic, and
knowing, look. She hugged him again
before she left with a polite ‘pleased to have met you’ as if out of a 1940’s
movie. As a matter of fact, she kind of
reminded him of little Natalie Wood in ‘Miracle on 34th Street’
although this one, at least, knew how to make-believe.
“So?” Katie
asked once they were alone. He couldn’t
quite find words, feeling overwhelmed and emotional. “I promise the next visit you will get to see
her longer.”
He just
shook his head. “I completely
understand. I’m just…trying to take it
all in.”
“She’s a
whirlwind of energy, isn’t she?” Katie
asked proudly. He nodded, sinking down
into the couch, still trying to process what had just happened. She was everything and nothing like he thought
she’d be…his daughter. His daughter. Living and breathing and animated and
energetic… Katie leaned over and touched
his arm, her smile dimming gently. “It’s
a lot to take in, I guess, huh?”
“Yeah…” he
said, his eyes filling with tears again.
“I just…”
She just
smiled again. “Take your time. Do you want something else to drink? I’ve pulled out some photo albums if you
wanted to take a look at them.” He sat,
slowly nodding. “I’ll go make some
coffee or something, give you a few minutes.”
“Thanks,”
he mumbled, rubbing a hand over his chin and clearing his throat. Slowly it was starting to hit him and he
could feel the emotions bubbling to the surface. It all happened so quickly, and whatever he
thought it would be, it was something different, something better…more…normal
than earth shattering, but nothing less than wonderful. Just the feeling of those little arms around
his neck. How many little kids had he
hugged in his life? How many little kids
threw their arms around his neck and how could this feeling be so incredibly
different knowing this little kid was his?
He’s truly a dad.
“I kind of
felt the same way when they put her in my arms the first time,” Katie said from
the doorway to the kitchen. “It’s
indescribable, isn’t it?” She came back
into the room and sat on the opposite side of the couch from him.
“I guess
that’s it,” he said in agreement. “It’s
all kind of…overwhelming. I don’t know
what to think.”
She sat
back a little more and turned to face him.
“I’d like to ease into visits, if you don’t mind,” she said
cautiously. “Each visit being a bit
longer until she’s a little more used to the situation.”
He nodded,
a little absentmindedly. “Yeah, of
course.” When did she learn to
walk? What was her first word? Is she afraid of the dark? Thunder?
Was she ever sick?
“I made
coffee,” she said. “Is that okay, or do
you prefer something a little stronger?
I have whiskey around here somewhere.”
What if she
didn’t want to see him again? What if it
turns out that she doesn’t really like him?
“Yeah, sure, of course,” he said, still nodding slowly.
She reached
over, placing her hand on his arm.
“Kevin?”
He turned
to look at her, bringing his thoughts back to the present. “Sorry, what?” he asked.
“Coffee or
alcohol?” she questioned.
“Oh, I’m
driving…coffee is fine.”
She got
back up and disappeared into the kitchen again, coming back with a tray. Coffee and
a bottle of whiskey sat on it and she poured a shot before offering the
coffee. “I think you need this.” He hesitated, just briefly, but swallowed the
shot, feeling his throat burn as it made its way down. She lifted the bottle and raised an eyebrow
in question, but he lifted his hand and waved the offer away. “Look, I know it’s a lot to handle and…now
that it’s happened,” she paused, taking her own shot, “I’m sorry I did this to
you. That I didn’t think about this side
of it more. How you would feel if you
ever found out. I didn’t mean to be
deceiving. I just didn’t want to burden
you in case…”
“In case
what?”
“In case
you got angry and didn’t want her. It
was one thing to be pissed off at me for having her without telling you, but it
would have been something else if you decided that you didn’t want anything to
do with her. I’d never be able to tell
her that she wasn’t wanted, and I’d never be able to keep that a secret once
she started asking questions, or wanted to meet you later on.”
“Things could have been so much easier, Katie, if you’d just been honest with me from the start,” he said, sinking back into the couch cushion. “But none of that matters anymore. We can’t c