Long and Winding Road
Page 3

By Cori

“Dude, tell me it didn’t happen,” Howie said walking through Kevin’s front door. He already had a knowing look, almost reprimanding. Kevin just closed the door firmly behind him and offered a weak smile. “Geez…us, Kevin.” Howie shook his head with a sigh and made his way through to the living room. “Tell me, at least, that Chelsea wasn’t home by some miracle.”

“She wasn’t home,” he said. “She was with her grandparents.” He walked through the room and picked up his glass, taking a sip. “I want to say that it happened because we were drunk, and I was just blown away, but…”

“That’s not why it happened,” Howie finished for him, relaxing back onto the couch. “So, I’m going to take it that it went well with Chelsea then? If you stayed?”

“Howie, man…she’s just amazing.” Kevin’s smile brightened and he immediately felt his shoulders relax. “Totally no fear, not at all shy and she’s beautiful, really, really beautiful. Right away she hugged me and brought me into her room to introduce her stuffed animals and I really hope there’s no quiz because I didn’t get half of it. I just kept watching her like it just wasn’t real, you know? Like I couldn’t believe my eyes.” He sat down on the arm of the couch and shook his head in amazement. “She was so…real and just talk-talk-talk-talk-talk…. And her parents were there and they didn’t look like they wanted me dead, oddly enough. Although, now they might.”

“What, she’s going to tell her parents what happened last night?”

Kevin exhaled heavily. “She might. I don’t know. They might not even care, for all I know. I mean, it is her decision, isn’t it? And when you come down to it, she did come on to me.”

Howie snorted quickly. “And that makes it not your fault?”

“That makes it not entirely my fault because I didn’t actually initiate it. That’s something isn’t it?”

“Man, you really are grasping at straws, aren’t you?”

“Does it show?” Kevin asked weakly.

“So, what does this do for the next visit? Are you going to be allowed to see Chelsea again?”

“Yeah, I have to call her. We’ll meet somewhere public.”

“Good plan, I think.” Howie nodded, pointing a finger at Kevin.

“You know, she said something to me that I can’t quite figure out. She said that I’m the only one that makes her lose control. What do you think she means by that?”

Howie lifted an eyebrow. “Uh…is that before, during or after sex?”

“Not like that,” Kevin said quickly. “At least, that’s not how I took it. It was more general than that.”

“Well, you do seem to end up in bed with her pretty easily. Maybe she means it that way, although I’ll be damned if I can figure out why.” Kevin got quiet, even though Howie was teasing him lightly. He didn’t want to admit that he did actually sort of understand what she meant, if only because she did the same thing to him. And that was the danger, wasn’t it? It wasn’t just passing time, or meaningless sex with Katie and he knew that because each time it happened, he knew that he wanted it to. In the back of his head, he remembered what it was like with her and how she made him feel, how good they were. Even if it wasn’t in the forefront of his mind, it was there and he couldn’t deny it. “Kev?” Howie waved his hand in front of Kevin’s face, bringing him back.

“Sorry…there’s a lot on my mind.”

“Apparently.”

“Kristin and I broke up because I didn’t want to settle down and have kids…and all this time…”

“Maybe it happened that way because you already had a child. The universe, or God, or whatever you believe in was trying to tell you that or something.”

“Or, maybe it’s just the irony that is my life,” Kevin sighed, slowly shaking his head.

“Hi, Katie, it’s Kevin…ah…just calling to set up a time to see Chelsea…like we talked about…so, um…give me a call, okay…ah, hope we’re…okay?...Give me a call…thanks-bye.”

She didn’t even wait for the machine to start blinking before deleting the message. She couldn’t help the way she felt. She knew it was stupid. She knew she was the one that came on to him. She knew she didn’t expect him to want to start something again with her, but still, she couldn’t help it. She was pissed off with the awkward way he left, at the stupid argument they had right before he did. ‘Hope we’re okay?’ she grumbled silently to the empty machine. ‘I made things a mess by seeing you again, you Dork! If I had just declined the assignment, everything would be okay…but no! No, I had to see you again! I had to fall into bed with you again! I had to like the way you look at me…make me feel! Jesus, am I twelve? Stupid, stupid crush on a pop star! A train wreck waiting to happen! It’s just a train wreck!’

She sunk into the kitchen chair and wrapped her hand around the warmth of her coffee mug, staring out the window over the sink. Rain splattered and slowly slipped down the glass as the refrigerator started to hum. She never realized how alone those sounds made her feel until now. Or was it that she erased that message without listening to his voice torture her one more time? How was she going to face him again? How was she going to look at him and not feel embarrassed? Angry? Hurt? And she was going to have to face him now that she introduced him into Chelsea’s life.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

She closed her eyes for a long while, sinking her chin into her palm with a deep sigh. It wasn’t embarrassment, or anger, or hurt. Deep down, she knew all those things were just the band-aid’s on the real problem. She never got over him. Deep down, in the silence and deep corners of her mind she knew she never got over being in love with him. Instead of staying to fight the fear of what it all meant, she’d gave in at the first chance to run. She could have stayed, confronted Kristin, confronted him, let them all fight it out…maybe she’d have lost anyway, but at least she’d have known. Instead, she ran and clung on so desperately to her hurt and threw every ounce of her love into Chelsea. If she couldn’t love Kevin, she’d love their child selfishly. That’s not to say she wouldn’t love her child any less, but being able to see him in her helped ease that pain of rejection.

Part of him loved her, even if he didn’t know it, even if it was just an illusion.

She watched as he stood behind Chelsea, holding onto the bowling ball with her, bending over and giving it a good push, hopefully enough to get it to the end and knock down some pins. Chelsea was so excited when she found out they were seeing him, and she’d never been bowling before. Just walking in, her eyes widened as she looked around and heard the clink of the pins falling in the aisles. She agreed to meet him there, taking separate cars to avoid having to have an awkward conversation on the drive over. Once they arrived, she tried to keep her distance, giving Kevin and Chelsea more time to interact and get to know one another. She didn’t even want to bowl, and just sat behind their aisle with a soda, watching and encouraging Chelsea.

“Another gutter!” Chelsea groaned and her face fell in disappointment. “You can’t help me next time!”

“Think you can do it all by yourself, Squirt?” Kevin asked, holding back a laugh.

“I can so!” she exclaimed defiantly, and Kevin lifted an eyebrow and looked over to her. ‘Yes, Kevin, she does have some of me in her, too, you know,’ she thought to herself.

“Okay, give it a shot.” He carried the ball over to the line and put it down before stepping back. “I’ll stand back here, okay?”

“Okay.” She looked so determined with her forehead crinkled and her lips pursed tightly in concentration, but she managed to walk over and give the ball a solid push. It wasn’t enough, though, and it got stuck halfway down the lane in the gutter making her burst into tears. “I don’t like this game!” she wailed, clenching her hands into fists at her side and glaring at Kevin.

“Okay…okay!” he said, bending down to wrap his arms around her. “We don’t have to play anymore. What do you want to do? We’ll do whatever you want.”

“I want to knock a pin down like a big girl!” she cried.

Katie slid her hand over her mouth, trying to hide her smile. ‘Welcome to parenthood, Kevin.’ She couldn’t help but find amusement in his bafflement of trying to figure out a four year old. She tried telling him she might be too young, but he didn’t listen. Besides, he’d gone bowling with his family when he was that age and had a great time, of course he knew what he was doing. He may have known what bowling was, but he definitely didn’t know Chelsea and her temper.

“Well, Chels, if you want to do that, you might need some help. Will you let me help you again?”

“No.” She pouted, pulling away from him. “I want mommy to help me.”

“Mommy?” Kevin looked over, “can you help us out here?”

“I’m not wearing the right shoes, kiddo,” Katie called. “Besides, I think Kevin might know more about this than I do. I haven’t been bowling in a very long time. Why don’t you let him help you again?”

“Because he stinks!” Chelsea whined, stomping her foot. “I haven’t knockeded down one yet and he’s been helping me! I want you to help me!”

“Chelsea,” Katie said, giving her daughter a stern look, “what did I tell you about having tantrums?”

“I’m not having a tantrum!”

“Chelsea…” The child crossed her arms and stomped her foot again angrily. “Chelsea…” Katie said again, tilting her head slightly. “We don’t have to be here, you know. We can have Kevin come over to our house and you can sit in your room until you can behave.”

“Okay.” Chelsea’s shoulders dropped and she looked at Kevin. “You can help me.”

“It won’t be that bad,” Kevin said, trying to sound cheerful. “We’ll be sure to give it a really good push this time.”

He may not have handled her minor meltdown well, but at the moment, she was sleeping against him as they sat in the booth at a restaurant and he couldn’t help but revel in how it felt. This meant something, right? That she was comfortable enough to sleep against him? He put his hand down on the top of her head and she shifted just slightly before slipping down into the seat and putting her head on his lap.

“Out for the count,” Katie said knowingly with a smile as she sat across from them. “You tired her out with all that excitement.”

“I didn’t know it would be that exciting for her to go bowling,” he chuckled. “I guess I should have listened to you, huh? When you said she might be too little still?”

“You’ll figure these things out for yourself eventually,” she told him with a shrug, swirling her straw though her soda. “It’ll come to you. But she had fun in the end. She’ll be talking about it for days, you can count on that.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

“Oh, come on, Kev, you’re good with kids. You always have been. She’s no different than any other one you’ve had contact with just because she’s yours.”

“I guess. I guess I was thinking that I’d know more somehow if they were mine.”

She chuckled. “Oh, trust me, you know nothing special when they’re yours…you might know less! Somehow, you think because you raised it, you might know something…so how can it be a little monster? But trust me, she can be a little monster when she wants.”

“Not now. Not when she’s sleeping.” He looked down and smiled at the small face, calm and peaceful.

“Never while she’s sleeping,” Katie agreed.

He looked over to Katie and reached a hand out between the empty dishes. “I may not know a lot, but I think I know enough to say that you’ve done a hell of a job on your own with her.”

She looked down to his open hand and tentatively put hers into his, trying not to watch too closely as his fingers closed around it. “Thanks.”

“We’re…okay, right?” he asked quietly.

The rest of her froze but she managed to put a smile on her face. “Sure. Why wouldn’t we be?”

“It’s just that…it was a little…weird, when I left…”

“I was just tired,” she interrupted, pulling her hand back and pretending to be looking for something in her purse. “Funny, I thought I heard my cell phone.”

“I’m sorry if I…” he started, but she waved her hand at him. He wasn’t stupid. He knew she was acting weird, and hoped that apologizing might help ease this tension between them, but all he managed to do was add to it. Now, instead of just being distant, she was pretending. He knew she was because she refused to look him in the eye. “I didn’t mean anything by what I said. I had no right…”

“Honestly, Kevin, don’t worry about it.” She was looking back through her purse again. “I’m fine.”

“Then why won’t you look at me?”

She stopped shuffling and looked him in the eye. “I’m protecting myself from other things,” she answered him clearly.

“Other things? Like what?”

“Are you finished?” she asked, pretending she didn’t hear him. “I think I should get her home and to bed.”

“You’re going to do our photo shoot next week, aren’t you?” he asked.

“Yeah, why?”

“Do you think Chelsea could come along?”

She glanced back at him, and this time, he thought he saw fear in her eyes. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. If we’re both working, she may not pay attention to behaving as much as she should.”

“Couldn’t your parents bring her by?”

“Why?”

“Because I’d like the fellas to meet her, Katie. They’re all asking about her. I figured with the both of us there, it’d be a little less overwhelming for her.”

“Why would it be overwhelming for her to meet new people? She’s been on photo shoots before. She gets bored very quickly.”

“Katie, I’m trying, here, okay? I’m trying to do the right thing.” He knew it wasn’t all ‘fine’ between them, but he didn’t know what else to do but try to keep moving things forward. He’d make a point of meeting in public from now on, less chance for the two of them to have private moments that could lead somewhere personal. He’d apologize for what happened and just make sure he kept his hands, and any other body part, to himself to make sure things didn’t get further confused. “I don’t know what that is, but I am trying.”

“There’s nothing…” she started, but just stopped and shook her head. “I’ll check and see if mom can bring her by for a bit.”

“I never wanted to hurt you, Katie,” he said softly. “Everything just got so confusing and overwhelming.”

She waved her hand at him again, closing her eyes briefly. “Don’t even try to explain, Kevin. It’s only going to get worse. It never happened, alright?”

‘But it did,’ he wanted to say. ‘It happened because someone is sleeping against my thigh and it might be the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me in my entire life. I’m not talking about a week ago…although, that’s where I started. I’m talking about all those years ago, too. It’s the same explanation, Katie…it’s exactly the same explanation.’

“I need to get her home,” she said, sliding out from the booth before he could get another word in. She came over to his side of the table and rubbed Chelsea’s leg, rousing the child long enough to get her into her arms. Chelsea put her head down on Katie’s shoulder and was sleeping again in seconds. “I’ll let you know if mom can bring her in.” He stood up and leaned over to kiss Chelsea good-bye and then kissed Katie’s cheek. “Thanks for today.”

“Thank you. Do you want me to help you to the car?” She shook her head and he sunk back into the booth as they made their way out. At least today he got to see more of Chelsea…and how much Katie was in her. That fierce independent streak was deep inside their child, but still, he wasn’t entirely sure if it was his, hers, or belonged to them both.

“I thought you were the Queen of Candid’s?” AJ asked walking into the studio, followed by Nick and Howie.

“I am, but Rolling Stone likes artsy,” Katie answered from where she was checking her cameras. “There are just preliminary shots in case the candid’s don’t come out the way they’d like.”

“Stock photos,” Howie said knowingly. “Aren’t there enough of those?”

“Not by me,” she answered with a grin. “Have you all lost all your faith in me? Has it been that long? Are you that jaded now?”

AJ looked at Nick and Howie and then back to her. “Yes.”

“Oh, shush,” she chuckled. “Where’s the rest of your entourage?”

“Getting pretty,” Nick answered.

“And plucked,” AJ added with a snicker. “I swear, in another year they’re going to be waxing Kevin’s ears too.”

“Don’t need to know that much, thank you!” Katie laughed.

“Mommy!” Chelsea broke free from Lila’s hand and ran across the studio to hurl herself against Katie.

“Hi, Baby!” She knelt down and kissed her, smoothing her hair. “How was your day?”

“We went swimming in the big pool!” she exclaimed cheerfully. “And I wasn’t even scared!”

“Good for you!” Katie said proudly.

“Is this a munchkin?” AJ asked, leaning over behind Katie.

Chelsea looked up, furrowed her eyebrows at him and tilted her head slightly. “No, I’m a little girl.”

AJ tilted his head before slowly shaking it side to side. “Nah, I don’t think so. I think you might be a munchkin.”

“AJ, stop teasing her!” Katie scolded. “Chelsea, this is AJ – he’s an old friend of mommy’s and Kevin. AJ, this is Chelsea. Be nice.”

Chelsea put out her hand. “Pleased to meet you.”

AJ cackled loudly and bent down, pulling her into his arms. “We’re not that old, baby! Give me a hug!”

“I’m gonna like you,” she said, returning his hug.

“What about me?” Nick asked, coming over. “I’m an old friend of mommy and Kevin’s too. I’m Nick.”

“Do you want a hug too?” she asked.

“Well…yeah!”

“Stop manhandling the kid!” Kevin teased walking in, finding Chelsea hugging Howie. “Come ‘ere, Pumpkin!”

She ran over and flung herself at him with a giggle. “You have funny friends, Kevin,” she told him as he picked her up and joined the group.

“I know,” he agreed. “They’re kinda silly sometimes. You have one more person to meet he’s...” He looked at Katie, then Brian knowing this was a lie, but knew Chelsea wasn’t ready. “…cousin, Brian.”

“I’m Chelsea,” she said, reaching her arms out to Brian easily. “I didn’t know I’d be meeting every Backstreet today.”

“Is that a good thing, or bad thing?” Brian asked her, taking her into his arms. “We’re all pretty cool, right?”

“You gotta do better than that, Kev,” Tim said as Kevin flew past him, sweat pouring down his back and forehead, feet pounding against the dirt.

“What?” Kevin sputtered breathlessly, bringing himself to a stop, bending over to try and breathe. “Faster?”

“You need to bring that down,” he told him calmly.

Is it possible he doesn’t notice that I’m ready to collapse here? Faster?’

“Dude, you asked for my help…”

That was it. He just dropped into the dirt. He didn’t care how much dirt stuck to him. He was already a sweaty mess anyway. “You gotta be fuckin’ kidding me,” he gasped, flopping his arms out to his side and staring up at him.

Tim came into view, looking directly down at him and made the sound as if he was going to spit and Kevin sat up, quickly. “Think that’ll fly on the field with the rest of the team? Think again.”

“Tim, I just want to make the team. I don’t want to be you.”

“Well, it ain’t gonna happen anyway, but you still need to run faster to get on varsity. Now get up and try again.”

“Screw that,” he exhaled heavily, finally catching his breath. “I’m done.”

“You’re a quitter now?” he taunted him, watching closely. “Since when are you a quitter?”

“I’m not! I just told you! I can’t!”

“The hell you can’t!” he yelled. “I’m goin’ easy on you, pipsqueak! You think Coach is going to let you sit around and whine ‘I can’t…I can’t…?’ Think again. Get up and do it again, and this time, try.”

“Screw you! I am tryin’!”

“Show me!”

‘Show him…I’ll show him!’ He got up and broke off into a sprint, not even hearing Tim call after him. His feet pounded against the ground, crunching the rocks and pebbles beneath and his eyes burned with sweat soaked hair falling into them. He just concentrated on the rhythm of his feet, filling his lungs with air steadily. As he rounded the last curve, Tim screamed and again, he flew past him, harder, faster, this time. He was sure it was faster this time. ‘Please let me have been faster this time. I don’t have another lap in me.’

Tim jogged over to where he stopped, hands on his knees and gasping for air. He thought he was going to vomit but if he did he’d never hear the end of it. Instead, he dropped his head to the side to wipe the sweat on the sleeve of his tee shirt and forced himself to swallow. All he could hear was his heart pounding in his ears. Tim stood next to him, patting him on the back and eventually, he could hear him.

“Dude! That’s what I’m talking about! That’s it! You’re in! You’re definitely in! You just keep that up! Yes!” He exclaimed proudly, still pounding him on the back. “See? I knew you could do it! I knew you had it in you!”

Kevin kicked at the blanket, feeling the air drying out his throat and the blood pounding in his ears. Even though it was dark, he found it hard to bring himself into reality. He could still hear Tim’s voice echoing in his head: I knew you could do it…I knew you had it in you! When was the last time he’d thought about preparing for the team, or felt that winded? When was the last time Tim had been that encouraging? Or was it more that he felt as if he had let Tim down? Let his family down?

Let himself down, more like it. What other mistakes had he made for the sake of appearances? What else had he missed out on because he chose the easy way out instead of committing himself? The one thing he did commit to was his career, and he’d managed to make a decent living. Would things have been any different if he committed to Katie or Kristin earlier? Would it make a difference now if he tried, or was he still running a few seconds too slow to make the cut?

“Did I wake you?”

“Kevin? It’s 6:30 in the morning…” Katie mumbled, her voice groggy and quiet with sleep.

“Oh, really?”

“Really. What is it?”

“Can we have breakfast?”

“What…today?” He could hear her shift, probably sitting up.

“I’ll bring breakfast,” he offered. “Anything you want.”

“Ah…what?” she asked. “What’s wrong, Kevin?”

“Nothing,” he answered. “I just want to have breakfast.”

“Chelsea’s not here. She went to visit my mother’s sister.”

“I know. But you still eat when she’s not around, don’t you?”

“Yeah, alright,” she sighed. “Fine. I’ll get up. Come on over.”