The Long
and
Page
4
By Cori
“I can make
omelets, or I have muffins,” he started when she opened the door in her
robe. He walked in with a grocery bag
and made his way towards the kitchen.
She stayed in place, closing the door behind him and just blinked
curiously. “Oh, you made coffee. I bought that too.”
“Are you on
something?” she asked, trying to smooth a piece of hair that had slipped out of
her ponytail back behind her ear.
“What’s going on?”
“Nothing,”
he answered cheerfully. “What are you
hungry for?”
“Sleep?”
she answered, moving to sit at the kitchen table as he busied himself looking
through her cabinets. “And what are you doing?”
“Frying
pan?” She pointed to one of the lower
cabinets. “I just woke up this morning and
wanted to see you.”
“Did you
sleep at all? You called at
“I slept
and I just happened to wake up early.
It’s been known to happen before, just not a lot,” he admitted, digging
through the grocery bag. “And I was just
thinking about, well, everything. You,
me, Chelsea…you and me a few years ago.”
“What about
it?”
“How I
behaved…what I did to you.”
“Breakfast
is a nice gesture, Kevin, but it’s a little late, don’t you think?”
“No, I can
still shave off a few seconds,” he said, dropping a pat of butter into the pan.
“From what?”
“Figure of
speech, never mind,” he waved a hand at her.
“Look, I know I’m probably freaking you out a little bit.”
“Yeah, just
a little,” she interrupted with a slow nod and raised eyebrows.
“But, I was
just thinking this morning about what an asshole I was to you. And yeah, breakfast is coming a little late,
but that doesn’t mean that I have to give up trying to have some kind of
relationship with you, right? I mean,
we’re going to be seeing a lot of each other now, and I want to make things
right somehow.”
“What made
you think they’re wrong? Kevin, whatever
happened was a long time ago and honestly, I’m okay with it. You don’t have anything to make up for.
And whatever happened a few weeks ago, well…we were both drunk and more
than a little stupid. We’ll be more
careful.”
“That’s
just it,” he said, taking the frying pan off the burner and going to sit down
at the table. “Don’t you think there’s
something to this? Us? If we keep getting weird and awkward and
ending up in bed together? Like nothing
ever happened?”
“Who said
it was like nothing ever happened?
Kevin, a lifetime happened. We
keep jumping into bed because we to think nothing happened, but the morning
after? Oh, yeah…I don’t know about you,
but I’m reminded just how much happened because we can’t even talk the
following morning. It’s weird, and it’s
awkward and one of us can’t stay long enough to have a cup of coffee. That’s
a problem. The sex is great, yeah, but
there’s really nothing more to it when you come right down to it.”
“But there is!
Don’t you get it? Why are we so
freaked about it happening again?
Because we remember what it was like!
We wake up wanting it to be what it was and it’s what happened that gets
in our way and freaks us out. But what
if I told Kristin about us? What if I
never asked you to be quiet about us?
What do you think would have happened?”
She watched
his face for a moment, trying hard to figure out what was happening. “What would have happened?” she
questioned. “I would have told you I was
pregnant right about the same time your career was taking off and there is no doubt
in my mind which you would have chosen.
I think we’d have ended up right where we are now. Kevin, I don’t doubt that you had feelings
for me, but I was there. I know how hard you were working to make
Backstreet happen and you would never have been able to give 100% to both them
and me. I wouldn’t even expect you to
have done that. I don’t know how to make
you see that I didn’t sacrifice anything for the life I have now…and you would
have sacrificed so much…so, so much.”
She reached out and took his hand.
“The thing is there is no ‘what if.’
It’s what it is, and, trust me, I’m sure this is a lot to get used to, but I’m not looking to change anything. I’m not asking you to do anything but love
“I don’t
want to fix anything. I just want to
give us a real chance. I want to see
what we could do together if I got my head out of my ass. The lunacy is over. Yeah, it’s going to be nuts, and I’m going to
be busy touring and all that, but it’s nothing
like it used to be. I can have a private life and I want you to be
in it, for real this time. I want to be
able to take you seriously – not for granted – because I know that every time I
woke up next to you, something was right
about it.”
“Okay,
Kev? Sit down for a minute,” she
ordered, motioning to a chair across from her.
“I mean it, sit down. You’re in
uber-hyper mode and need to just chill out a second.”
“I’m not
uber-hyper,” he said, but did as he was told.
“I just feel like I finally figured it out.”
“What?
What’s there to figure out, Kevin?
It’s been four years…you can’t tell me that you’ve been pining away for
me for four years. You’ve been perfectly
happy with your life, and I’ve been perfectly happy with mine. We don’t have
to be together. All you need to do is be
Chelsea’s father and we’re golden.”
He shook
his head slowly. “No, it’s more than
that, Katie. I know it’s more than that. It
feels more than that. I like being with you. I’m not saying we should run off and get
married, but what’s wrong with giving this a chance? What we have between us…” He motioned between them. “See where it takes us…give it the chance I
blew for us before.”
“Because
there’s a child involved and if I end up hating you, or you end up hating me,
it’ll be awful,” she answered rationally, leaning back in her seat and trying
to swallow the astonishment of what he was saying. All the ‘what if’s she’d been asking were
looking at her through deep green, hopeful eyes and she was pushing it all
aside in spite of the ache in her chest.
“We’re
adults, Katie,” he answered her, just as rationally. “We go into it with no promises, no
expectations.”
“Kevin…”
“Please,”
he interrupted, “don’t make up your mind just yet. Think about it…what we’ve been feeling,
doing, and then decide if it’s worth it or not.
I’m just as concerned about Chelsea’s feelings, and if we both keep that
in mind, we can do this safely.”
She inhaled
deeply, but didn’t answer. There was no
such thing as ‘safe’ when it came to how she felt about him. There was never a middle ground between
them. It was desire and passion and
greed. When it was over, it was beyond
discussion. Trust. It all came down to trust and questioning
whether he’d actually be committed if there were no promises or
expectations. What was the point if they
weren’t going to work towards something?
“If we
didn’t have Chelsea…if it was just you…”
“But we do
have Chelsea.”
He waved
his hand. “If it was just you, would you want to see what
happens?”
“I’d feel
like I was heading towards a train wreck, Kevin, if you want me to be
honest.” She could see he wasn’t
expecting that answer. He tried to cover
the reaction, but she could see him recoil just slightly before biting his lips
together. “What I mean is…I’d feel like
I was out of control, constantly running at full steam and never expect I was
going to go off the tracks until it happened.
Pretty much like last time, you know?
I was totally taken off guard last time.
Never had a clue there was this other relationship and how am I supposed
to know there wasn’t someone else on the other coast, or in another
country? How am I supposed to trust you,
Kevin? Quite honestly, that’s what it
comes down to, how am I supposed to trust you?
We’re good together, but that’s not what I’m worried about, it’s when
we’re not together that scares
me. Because I could be in love with
you. It wouldn’t take much work to have
that happen again, but in the end, I’m scared about me because I don’t want to love you and get hurt again. We’re not conventional. We didn’t start off that way and I don’t see
us taking things a step at a time. It’s
not in our nature. We go all or nothing
and never talk about the in between. I
don’t even know if there is an in
between with us. It’s too easy…and I get
confused when it happens because I just don’t understand what it is between us
that makes me so reckless. In spite of
everything, I’m not reckless. I don’t
rush into things. I make calculated
risks with everything in my life except for you. And that scares me to death, Kevin. I don’t know why you make me do the things I
do. Half the time, I just think you’re
an elaborate illusion because you just come and go so quickly, so easily.”
He was
quiet and she could feel the morning’s heat through the kitchen window. The birds were squawking in the yard and she
felt for sure they sat for hours before he cleared his throat and leaned back
in his chair, but he still didn’t speak.
He just watched her gently for a while longer with a small smile
crossing his lips. “I don’t know what to
say to that,” he finally said honestly.
“Part of me thinks I should apologize, but I don’t know what more to
apologize for. I am well aware that I
screwed you over, and it’s taken me until now to realize what we had, and how
stupid I was to…be such an inconsiderate ass.
And, cliché as it sounds, four years may not sound like a lot, but
there’s been a lot of growing up
done. And I’m just asking that we
actually see where we could go because I think it’s obvious to both of us that
there’s something here.”
“I think,”
she started, hesitating a little longer when she looked at his hopeful face,
“that if there’s something here, we’ll figure it out without having to try. I kind of think we suck as boyfriend and
girlfriend, so let’s try just being friends…although, I’m flattered,” she said,
trying to ease the disappointment she saw in his eyes.
“Flattered,”
he repeated with a slight nod.
“That’s…good.” He exhaled and looked
away briefly, but turned to her with a forced smile. “Well, then, how about a friend makes breakfast for another friend.”
“Only if
they’re up to it.”
“Oh, I
think I can manage.” He got up and went
back to the stove. “Heartbroken
omelet?” He turned and winked with a
grin.
“Sure, but
can you ground up the heart please?”
“I bet you
think you’re funny.”
“Funnier
than you,” she quipped, smiling kindly.
“Do they
really do tea parties?” Kevin
whispered as Chelsea dragged him by the hand past Katie.
Katie
laughed, touching his arm gently and offered a sympathetic nod. “Long ones, with teddy bears and baby dolls,”
she answered. He looked a little
frightened as Chelsea kept pulling him along and she sat down, picked up her
magazine and waited for the incessant babble to commence. Chelsea’s Tea parties didn’t last long. She usually got distracted and pulled out
something new in a few minutes, but she enjoyed teasing Kevin.
Before she
could flip the page, she heard Chelsea cackling happily and smiled to
herself. He may not know much about the
in’s and out’s of kids, but he was still very good with Chelsea. She adored him and whatever fears she had had
disappeared in these last few weeks. He
hadn’t broken one play date, or promise and he was already trying to explain
what he did for a living, and how he’d sometimes have to go away for long
periods of time. Chelsea didn’t quite
understand, she still didn’t understand three days from three weeks, but when
the time came, it would be easier.
She flipped
the page, not really reading anything anymore, but listening to the voices
float down the hall. Sometimes she
joined them in their games, but usually she let them get to know each other and
have some alone time. Maybe she was
trying to make up for lost time. She had
four uninterrupted years with Chelsea.
He needed his bonding time. Well,
she attempted it anyway. At some point
Chelsea would barrel out and tell her what they were doing before barreling
back. She wondered if Chelsea didn’t do
that just to make sure she was still there, perhaps some kind of
insecurity. Or, perhaps it was just
Chelsea and she was four years old…Katie had to stop interpreting every move
she made.
Things
between Kevin and Katie had fallen into a comfortable rhythm. She still thought about him, but made a point
of not drinking around him, or having much time alone with him for fear of
something happening again. Late at
night, and a few Friday nights, she wondered why she ever turned him down, but
then she realized she was just feeling sorry for herself. She was right when she said no, for Chelsea’s
sake, she was right. Her mother had told
her countless times that you make sacrifices for your children…whatever it
could have been with Kevin was clearly becoming one of those sacrifices.
But it
wasn’t all that bad since he was still in their lives. She was still able to have a friendship with
him, have dinner, and she realized, start knowing who he was again. Occasionally during dinner they would get to
have adult conversation without Chelsea monopolizing the whole meal and the
talks were becoming more and more easily.
Maybe, if they kept it up, she’d become immune to her feelings…grow to
not miss him being next to her, or imagine him not touching her, or kissing her. But not if she continued to dwell on it like
she was now. But he looked good today in
his cut off ‘surfer-dude’ shorts, as she called them, and tee shirt and his
baseball cap. She had photographed him
in suits and the dressy casual clothes picked out by stylists, but when he
dressed himself, she was always somehow amused and excited all at once. It reminded her of their conversation that
first week when they met. Stylists were
‘hotels,’ baseball caps were ‘home.’
“You are
about a million miles away,” he said, coming down the hallway. He sat on the opposite side of the couch from
her and tapped her leg easily as he settled in.
“She’s drawing pictures now and told me I didn’t need to help.”
“Well,
guess you bored her enough. How was the
tea party?”
“Shhh!” He put a finger to his lips. “I think she forgot about it and I don’t
think I can sit in that little chair without killing my knees.”
“You’re
getting old there, baby-doll,” she laughed.
“I’m not
gonna deny it.” He lifted his palms up
and cocked his head slightly. “So,
what’re you up to?” He lifted the
magazine from her lap to read the cover.
“Cosmo?”
“Don’t look
so shocked.”
“I didn’t
see you as a Cosmo girl…more Jane or Rolling Stone or something, but Cosmo?”
She lifted
an eyebrow at him. “It’s all about the
sex tips,” she whispered, glancing down the hall for signs of Chelsea. “Even if they’re not overly clever
anymore. After about six months, they
start recycling them.”
“Six months
of sex tips?” he asked, perking up playfully.
“I gotta start reading that.”
Should
she? Shouldn’t she? Should she?
It was wide open. They were just
teasing, right? Friends tease one
another about sex, right? Is that
crossing a line? Why did she bring this
up in the first place? She was looking
at it for the new Spring season fashion tips anyway. “Oh, trust me, you do just fine without
them.” She said that aloud, didn’t she?
He laughed,
lifting an eyebrow at her and she was certain her cheeks were red. “As I recall, you could write one of those
articles.” He winked at her and stood
up, making his way to the kitchen and asking if she wanted something to drink
so casually. How did he do it? Flirting
came too easily for him. It used to come
easily to her too. When did that change?
“Are you
staying for dinner?” she called to him, changing the subject completely.
“Am I
invited?”
“Since when
do I have to invite you?”
He came
back with a bottle of water and sat back down, stretching his long lean legs
out and sticking a hand into one of the front pockets. “I don’t know…occasionally I remember to have
some manners.”
“Yes, or
no?” she deadpanned.
“Sure,
what’re we having?” She shrugged. “So, we got our itinerary,” he said, suddenly
serious, watching her face intently.
“Looks like we’ll be gone awhile.”
“How
‘while’ is ‘awhile?’” She put the
magazine down on the floor and curled up against the couch arm.
“By the
looks of things, we’ll be Europe a little over a month, come back for about two
weeks, and then tour the US for a couple of months. It looks pretty full right about now and
they’re still adding on dates.” He
glanced down the hallway. “I might need
some help breaking the news to Chelsea.”
She could
just nod in response and did her best not to let him see her own disappointment. Reason number what for not getting involved?
Just when she got used to having him around, he’d have to leave,
right? “Sure,” she managed to say.
“If you can
swing it with your schedule, do you think you could come visit? I think it would blow her mind to see a
show.”
“If I can
swing it,” she answered quickly, getting up quickly and going into the kitchen
on shaking legs. She couldn’t let him
see her cry. All she had to do was take
a few deep breaths and get something cold to drink and she could go back to
casual, and easy-going.
She could
hear Kevin follow her into the kitchen and she tried hard to make it look like
she was looking for something in the refrigerator. “Don’t get mad now, Katie,” he said, his
voice already sounding tired. “We knew
it was gonna happen.”
“I’m not
mad,” she said, still pretending to search, not sounding very convincing.
She felt
him come up beside her and tug on her arm, making her stand up straight. “I don’t believe that.”
When she
did stand up, she leaned over, kissing him deeply and held on to the
refrigerator door and the back of his neck taking him, and her, completely by
surprise. “I’m going to miss you, too,”
she whispered, pulling back from him wide-eyed.
He leaned over, pulling her close against him and kissed her again and
she was thankful he held her so tightly.
Aside from her heart begging for more, her head chanted ‘Chelsea’ and
she knew they couldn’t continue. Eventually
she managed to pull away and cross the room, away from him, shaken. “I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have done that,” she
said, averting her eyes from his before she went back to him.
“Why not?”
“Let’s not
get into this now.” She shook her
head. “Not again. Especially if you’re leaving.”
He didn’t
come any closer, but she felt as if he was standing directly in front of
her. “Than why did you kiss me? What’s that all about?” She couldn’t answer him. She wasn’t sure herself. “Katie?”
He looked seriously confused and hurt suddenly, leaning against the
counter and holding onto the side with both hands on either side of him, so
casually, so naturally…like he belonged in her kitchen and she was scolding him
for not taking out the trash.
“I don’t
know,” she mumbled lamely, putting her hand to her forehead, trying to think
straight. “Let’s just pretend it didn’t
happen, okay?”
“Too much
Cosmo?” He seemed to smirk at her, trying in desperation to break the tension.
“Yeah,
something like that, I guess.” She
forced a chuckle, unable to keep from looking at him.
“I’ll go
check on Chelsea.” In a moment he was
gone, but the tension still lingered once he left and she sank into one of the
kitchen stools, trying to find some air in the room to breathe. That wasn’t supposed to happen anymore. She had maintained control for so long, and now
she was back to the beginning again, having to wean herself from his kiss all
over again, but now it was her fault.
“She’s
asleep,” he said awhile later after dinner, “three stories later.”
“Oh, she’s
playing you,” Katie answered, turning the TV volume down. “You have to be more firm with her or she’ll
walk all over you, Kevin.”
“Let’s face
it,” he smirked, sitting down, “she’s going to anyway.”
“Yeah, she
is, isn’t she?” She glanced to the TV
and Kevin could tell she was nervous. He
didn’t want to make things more awkward after the kiss by leaving, again, but
maybe it would have been a little easier.
He didn’t mind it, and for a
moment, thought perhaps they were getting somewhere, but in an instant,
whatever it was disappeared again.
“So, ‘Access
Hollywood,’ huh?” He pointed to the TV
and rested an arm along the back of the couch, trying to get some kind of
conversation moving. If it didn’t happen
now, it’d just continue being weird between them.
“I was watching the news but they just said
something about the Backstreet Boys announcing tour dates,” she offered a quick
smile. “Welcome back to main stream
media, Baby.” All he could do was nod
reluctantly. At one point, he got
excited hearing their name on the radio or TV.
Now, part of him dreaded it, hoping it would never reach the heights
they’d gotten to before. “That’s
different.”
He blinked
back from the changing screen in his mind and looked at her. “Hmm?”
“You used
to get excited by that sort of thing.”
He just lifted a shoulder in response.
“Wow, you have changed, haven’t you?”
“Don’t get
me wrong, we still need to be out there, but this time, we’re working more on
our message, I guess, than just having our name out.”
“Is that
what you were thinking?”
“Yeah,
actually, it was. I’ll admit I’m a
little nervous about all this. There’s a
lot to get a handle on and keep our eye on.”
“AJ?”
“Partly,
yeah, and Nicky, and just general press.”
“And you
having a child?”
“If it’s
not out now, it’s not going to be out.
And if it is, we’ll handle it…the right way. I’m not ashamed of it, Katie.”
“I
know.” She looked down slightly. “I guess I just feel kind of bad that you
have to worry about it. It would
probably be easier if you didn’t.”
“But look
what I’d be missing out on,” he said, and she looked up at him. “Chelsea and
her terrific mother. It’s a lot to miss,
and I’m going to.”
“Even if
her mother can’t figure out what the hell is going on in her head?” She looked guilty now, unable to hold his
gaze.
“Even if
her mother can’t figure out what’s going on her head, yes. Katie…don’t worry about it. I’m not going to push you to define it
either. It happened. I didn’t mind.” He rubbed his chin and grinned. “Kind of enjoyed it, but…I’m not
pushing. It is what it is, right? We made some progress in the friendship, and
I don’t think one kiss needs to ruin it, does it?”
“Thank
you,” she said softly. He leaned over,
lifted her chin, and kissed her cheek tenderly.
“And you shouldn’t do that.”
He smiled
warmly, but didn’t move back. “Why not?”
“Or that,”
she whispered. “That tone…” She pulled her head away. “Unless you’re trying to prove yourself
wrong.”
“Just
trying to see what’s going on in your head.”
He leaned back again, re-crossing his leg.
“Kevin,
it’s not that I don’t want to take you into the bedroom and have my way with
you,” she said pointedly. “I’d have to
be blind not to be attracted to you. But
that’s easy.”
“Obviously,
it’s not,” he chuckled lightly.
“Not is not easy. I don’t want it to be meaningless
anymore. I don’t want it to just happen because it can. I want there to be more, and I just don’t
think we’re there.”
“Because
you’re not letting it happen, Katie.” He
shifted to face her. “Don’t give me that
look, Katie. It’s true. We’ve been being nice to each other, and
behaving around one another, but you’re the one not letting it progress
anywhere. We could be going out, having
a date on occasion, getting together, but you keep saying no. But then you go and kiss me and tell me
you’re attracted, but every time I make an attempt to make it something more,
you say no. Going out to dinner doesn’t
mean we end up in bed. Being alone
together doesn’t mean we have to end up in bed.
We can move forward without
that happening unless you just don’t want that to happen with me.
And if that’s the case, just say so and I’ll leave it to spending my
time my Chelsea. But you have to tell me
because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. You have to make a decision to move forward,
or just say no.”
“That’s…”
“Fair,
Katie,” he said honestly. “I kind of
feel that because we’re attracted to each other, you’re almost using that as an
excuse to say no. That’s supposed to happen…being attracted to
the other person, you know?”
“But I get
caught up in wondering if it’s just lust or something more. I can’t figure out the something more part.”
“Than you
just answered the question,” he said simply.
“If, after all this time, you can’t figure out if I can offer you more
than sex, than that’s pretty much it, isn’t it?” They just looked at each other for a moment,
expressionless, before he shrugged.
“That’s it.”
“I don’t
know if…”
He lifted
his hand and stood up. “It’s okay,
Katie. At least we’ve got an answer,
right?” He leaned over and kissed her
cheek with a hint of a smile, hoping he was carrying off the nonchalance. “I’ll give you a call in a few days to set up
another day with Chelsea and get my travel info to you.” She didn’t move, and kept her eyes
downcast. “Talk to you later.” He thought she nodded slightly and he left,
trying hard not to jog out the door, but there was less and less air inside as
he started to leave.
He wanted
her to stop him, come to the door and call him back, something to change what just happened, but as he got in his car
and looked at the house, there was no sign of her, no movement. And as he turned the key and started the
engine, he forced himself not to look towards the house.