Oreos for Breakfast: Nick BSB Fiction

Oreos for Breakfast - Chapter 17
By The Paperbag Princess and The Pumpkin Coach

Corresponding Message Board Posts (Fictional!)

I slammed the door behind me and started throwing things. That insufferable capitalistic bitch! This was not about helping people, it was about getting our name out there and making money off this tragedy.

My shoes made a very satisfying noise as they struck the wall, and I heard voices beyond the door. "I'm fine!" I screamed, tossing my black clogs. "Leave me alone!"

Okay, there might be some hysteria in my voice. But James was moving everyone into the living room. He knew me. He was the one that had sat there during our call with Amber and clapped a hand over my mouth whenever I opened it. I couldn't say anything in that meeting. I was too tired and emotional. There was no filter left on my brain and if I'd been allowed to go off on Amber, we probably wouldn't still have a record company right now.

I couldn't do it. We couldn't do it. I couldn't capitalize on this, not for a second. I'd do anything to help… give up our fees, drive back to New York and start sifting through the rubble, but I would not make money off it. I would not lend my band to a cause just to 'get our name out there', like Amber kept saying over and over and over… How could I ever hold my head up again?

This wasn't about me, or the band, or selling CDs. This was about one of the worst things to ever happen in the history of America. Maybe the world. It was way up there on the shock and horror scale. So quick, so many lives lost, so much pain. I couldn't even wrap my mind around it yet, let alone think up ways to make money off it.

I felt everything spinning, and I fell back on the bed, pulling a pillow over my head and screaming as loud as I could. I screamed until I thought I was going to pass out and then curled up into a little ball and cried.

I don't know how long I laid there. Everyone was good and just let me be. Finally, I heard the door open. The noise sounded like it was coming through a tunnel and was far, far away. I didn't have the strength to move my head, but I felt someone crawl into the bed next to me. Instinctively, I moved back, filling the space between us and before he spoke, I knew it wasn't James. He rested one hand on my waist, holding me against him gently while the other played with my hair on the pillow above my head.

"Rache, are you okay?"

I shook my head, not able to talk and started to cry again. Suddenly Jeremy's lips were near my ear as he whispered to me, trying to calm me down, but I think I was beyond that.

I turned in his arms, and just looked up into his eyes, "You have such kind eyes, J."

He half-smiled and leaned down, kissing my nose gently, "It's going to be okay, Rachel. We'll all be okay. We're safe."

"But so many people aren't," I whispered, feeling my voice start to shake again. All day I'd tried to be strong for James and Nick and everyone else… I just couldn't do it for one more second. I was angry and sad all at once. The last time I'd felt anything like this was when Dad died, but that was completely different. That was just me and my family, but this was the whole fucking country. It was hard enough to fix me. How would we ever fix the entire country?

Jeremy pulled me closer, holding me tightly and kissing my cheeks, wiping away my tears. Suddenly, I was tilting my head up to him and running my fingers through his hair. He opened his mouth to me and it was so right. So familiar and gentle and kind… that's what I wanted. I didn't want to think or feel anything, I just wanted to be comforted. I wanted something familiar, anything that felt normal for just a few seconds. I could have a few seconds of life the way it had been, couldn't I?

I was lost in the feel of his hands on my body and his hips against mine. A low moan escaped my lips as I felt my body respond to his. So familiar. I pulled away slightly, moving to suck gently on his neck. I found his hand on my waist and pulled it up to my breast. Oh, god, that felt so good.

"No…" his voice was full of emotion as he pulled away. He laced his fingers in mine, moving our hands away, and I reluctantly opened my eyes.

No.

Of course not.

Not again. We'd done this. After Dad died. Was that the last time I'd cried like this? Oh, god, this can't be happening again. I felt the panic rising in my chest, and Jeremy moved away from me releasing my hand. Unable to move, I kept it there by my head, just staring at him. Shell shocked.

But Jeremy knew me too well. He could tell exactly what was running through my head, and he reached out for me, "Don't freak out, Rache. It's okay. It's normal."

"What the hell is normal, Jeremy? Fuck!" Suddenly, I could move again, and I sat up, glaring at him. "Get out of my bed!"

I wanted to scream and cry and be mad at him, but I couldn't do any of those things. I just stared, giving in to the panic as it raced through my body. He was saying something, but I couldn't hear him. It felt like I was submerged under water… the images in front of me were blurry and the sounds muffled.

Finally, he shook me and I snapped out of it.

"Rachel! Rachel! Look at me."

I blinked up at him and then saw James out of the corner of my eye.

"Rachel? Are you okay?"

Jeremy looked over at him, moving away and running his fingers through his hair, "It's fine, James. I came in, and she was crying, and…"

In one step, James was beside the bed, towering over us. Over Jeremy, really. Staring down at him. "If you fuckin' hurt her, man…"

Jeremy sprang off the bed, glaring up at James. "Fuck you, James. Always her goddamn fucking protector, but somehow you missed that she was breaking down in here. You're just pissed off that I figured it out when you didn't."

James went for him, and I got in between them. "Stop. Both of you. Just… Stop. I'm fine, James." Oh, we were so not doing this again. We'd done this too many times. We were so fucked up, the three of us… co-dependent and destructive, and it was a wonder that we still had a band. It had just been getting better, and now in one day, we were back to our old patterns.

James stepped away, glaring at me now. "Nick's on the phone."

Fuck.

Oh my god.

Oh, fuck. Nick. He was already weird about Jeremy, and I go and do this? Fuck.

I hadn't even heard the phone ring. Damnit.

I stumbled, and James caught me, helping me sit on the bed. "Do you want me to tell him you're asleep?" he asked, his voice gentle.

"No," I managed. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted him to be here. He's what I really wanted, not Jeremy. I just wanted something familiar and safe. That was Nick now, not Jeremy.

Jeremy knew it, too. His voice was very calm when he spoke. "Rache, this is just between us, okay? Well, the protector, too, now. But don't worry. It's been the weirdest day in the history of the world. I think we might be allowed this."

I met his eyes for a long moment, and it was okay. At least this little bit was okay. Jeremy wouldn't ever tell Nick. No, that was up to me. "Both of you go away now," I ordered. That made James smile a little, kissing my cheek and heading for the door. "And stop fighting!" I attempted, but even I knew that wouldn't work.

Jeremy shut the door behind him, giving me a small smile, and I looked at the phone for a moment. I could do this. I could talk to Nick and not fall apart.

"Hi, bunny." I tried to sound cheery. I don't think I succeeded. I heard James hang up the other line, and I leaned back against the headboard.

"Hey, Rache. What's wrong? What took you so long to get to the phone? You sound upset."

Shit. Did he hear anything? I should… I couldn't tell him I just kissed Jeremy. He would freak out, and I could not handle that right now. I felt like I'd been fighting or crying all day, and I couldn't do it any longer. I couldn't defend myself anyway. I never should have kissed him. Nick would blow up and leave me, and then I'd just die.

"Buttercup?" he asked carefully, and it was all I could do not to burst into tears. He was so sweet. What the hell was I doing, making out with my ex?

"Sorry," I whispered.

Was she crying? Did something happen? No, James would have told me, he sounded fine when he answered the phone. But it took like five minutes for him to get her… maybe they got a call on another line?

"Rache, honey, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," she said quietly, her voice shaking.

"I don't believe you," I accused, making her sigh.

"It's been a long day, and I just fell apart."

"Why?"

"Because the world blew up, Nick!" she yelled. But that was like 12 hours ago, more now. Why was she freaking out all of a sudden? We were quiet for a second, and her voice was even sadder when she spoke again. "I'm sorry, bunny. I shouldn't be yelling at you."

"It's okay, Rache. I know, you're upset. I wish I was there with you."

"God, so do I." I could hear the tears in her voice again. Damnit, why was she so far away? I should have known she'd break down eventually. That was her city that was attacked, and she knew so many people there. What was that called? A delayed reaction? She'd been so good all day, holding it together, but now I could feel her crumbling, and it was killing me.

"Was Amber mean to you?" That was a couple of hours ago, that she'd had to hang up on me to deal with Amber, but maybe that was part of it? But if she was really bad, wouldn't have Rachel called me to bitch?

"Yeah," Rachel pouted. "She wants us to go back to New York and do all the charity concerts that are getting organized. Isn't that tacky? I don't want to be the band that's always associated with this!"

"That is pretty tacky," I agreed. Was it tacky for us to perform tomorrow? If we were… "Oh, right. I called you for a reason."

"Yeah?"

"Kevin and Brian are here now, and we're doing a conference call with management to figure out what we're doing. It's late now and we'll probably go on for a while, so I wanted to call and say good night, in case I don't get a chance to call you later." But now I didn't want to get off the phone.

"That is so sweet, bunny," she whispered, her voice soft and sad.

"But I can talk for a little while."

"Nick, come on!" AJ bellowed, walking into my room.

Damnit.

Rachel giggled on the other end. "Its okay, sweetie. I need to get some sleep. I'm just wrecked."

I scowled at AJ and pushed him out into the hallway. "I'll be there in two minutes."

"Yeah, right," he protested, but I slammed the door in his face. I just had to make sure that Rachel was okay.

"That's good, buttercup, it's been a long day for you."

"Yeah… we're all at the breaking point. We keep fighting with one another. I need to curl up with my teddy bear and… damnit, he's on the bus."

That bear I gave her ages ago lived on her bunk. I didn't know she slept with it. She sounded pretty upset that it wasn't in her room. "Where's the bus, buttercup?"

"Dunno. Maybe Lola knows?"

"I bet she does," I told her, trying not to laugh. It was probably parked behind the hotel, and Rachel was acting like it was miles away.

"I'm really tired, Nicky," she sighed. "I have to sleep with James tonight."

That's right, they were doubling up tonight. "Not Lola?" Shouldn't the girls be sleeping together?

Like James was a threat? Get over it, Nick. Jeremy, I would worry about, but I knew that would never happen. Right?

"No, Lola gets the couch. I like sleeping with James, he'll cuddle with me. But he's not you, bunny."

When did we get to see each other again? I couldn't think about that, or I'd get more upset. Not soon enough, I knew that much.

"I miss you, Rache," I whispered.

"I know," she whispered back.

Then there was a pounding at the door, and I jumped a mile, since I was leaning against it. "We have work to do, Nickolas!"

Kevin. Did I actually miss him an hour ago?

Rachel laughed on the phone. "You should go, sweetie."

"Yeah."

"Talk to your girlfriend later, boy wonder!" Fuck you, Kevin. She was sharing a phone line with four other people now. It wasn't like I could talk to her whenever I wanted. Hell, Kristen just left, but he still had Jana. I bet he wasn't going to be sleeping alone tonight.

But I sighed, and told Rachel I loved her and opened the door, tossing my phone on the couch. "Nice to see you, too, Kev. Glad you're okay."

He pulled me into a hug before I could say anything else. "Shut up, punkass. You're an idiot, but I love you anyway."

Bastard. Just when I was ready to take out my frustrations on him, he had to go and be nice.

I hung up the phone and just sat there for a minute. What the hell just happened? One minute I was crying by myself, and then suddenly Jeremy was there, and… oh, shit. And then James and… fuck.

I just couldn't deal with this right now.

I went into the bathroom, splashing water on my face and staring at my reflection in the mirror. I needed 10 solid hours of sleep and no television. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw the planes and the Towers and the smoke and dust everywhere. A few hours ago James had talked to someone in his building. He was nowhere near the Trade Center, but she'd told him there was still a layer of dust on everything, like the entire city had been coated with the ashes.

I bet it was horrible being there, being surrounded by everything and not being able to turn it off.

And Amber wanted us to go back there? No. I couldn't imagine it. We'd be in New York at the beginning of next month, a whole week off before we flew to the UK. At least that was the plan right now, but who knows? It seemed like our schedule was changing every day. And if we changed management, maybe they wouldn't want us going overseas.

I should call Saffron. She'd left a message for me at the front desk earlier today. That was weird. She'd said she was in Chicago visiting family and knew I probably didn't want to talk, but she had been thinking about us a lot today.

That was sweet, right? Not smarmy like that other management company that called. HG or KH or something… he was horrible. Telling Jeremy that we had to make a decision quick. Like hell we did. I only wanted to make a decision quick so I didn't have to deal with Amber anymore. Let her be Saffron's problem.

Before I knew it, I was standing in the middle of the living room, turning off the television and demanding that the boys pay attention to me.

"Rache, I was watching that."

I stuck my tongue out at James as he threw a piece of pizza crust in my general direction. "Oh, how many times do you have to listen to the talking heads, James! I swear!"

"He's such a geek! He just wants to impress us with his knowledge of stupid facts later," Darien taunted from his perch on the chair. He'd been chain-smoking out the window for most of the day. None of us had the heart to tell him to stop, even though we were in a non-smoking room. The hotel would just deal. All bets were off today, right?

"I had a great idea! We need to hire the Firm."

Jeremy blinked at me, "What? Now?"

"Yes, now. Today. Right now. Then Saffron can call Amber and deal with her, make sure we don't have to go back to New York and do those charity things. At least not right now. I mean, I don't want James' or Darien's stories to be what we're known for, right? Long lost love rekindled as the Towers fall."

"How tacky," James drawled. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was trying really hard not to laugh at me. Or maybe he was just relieved that I wasn't melting down. Oh, fuck him, this was actually a good idea. I knew it.

"Do you want to call Amber back and tell her that we aren't doing it and have her tell us for the millionth time that it's EMI's decision how this band is marketed?"

I stared at them, and no one volunteered. I captured Jeremy's eye for a moment, and we had an entire conversation in that moment. One down… two to go.

"But won't we look bad, making a business decision in the midst of all of this? I mean, we aren't in the right frame of mind, are we?" James asked.

"Well… when will we be? I mean, the world kinda blew up today, but it can't stop. In fact, it might be a good thing. Do this when no one cares. Their attention is everywhere else, right?"

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