Chapter 19 - Page 5

Oreos for Breakfast - Chapter 19

By
The Paperbag Princess & The Pumpkin Coach

"Hey," was all he said to answer the phone. He knew it was me. Usually I got "Hey, buttercup," at least.

Fuck, I was way too tired to do this. It was only 8 o'clock, but I felt like I needed to sleep for the next two days.

"Hey, sweetie," I responded, trying to sound enthused. It didn't really work, because all I got in return was a few seconds of silence. "Where are you?" I tried. "Sounds noisy."

"Backstage," he said shortly. "Where are you?"

"On the bus; we're going to Cincinnati. Em's from Cincinnati; did you know that?"

"Yes," he sighed. "We were just there a few weeks ago, remember?"

"Right. Yeah." The second day of his tour, when we'd just had that one day together and barely slept. We'd had breakfast with Em and Alex and the baby before I had to catch my flight, and I'd been so strung out and miserable at the thought of leaving Nick that I could barely concentrate.

That was nothing compared to how tired I was now. It had been such a fucking long day. Normally Nick was all I wanted when I was tired like this, but he sounded so fucking angry. What could I do to make this better? I didn't even know any longer. Fuck, I had to tell him that I couldn't see him in two days. That might send him through the roof.

"So, did I tell you about our new video?"

"No."

"Gregory Dark was going to do it, but he's not now."

"Why not?" He sounded just barely interested.

"I didn't like him. Doesn't his name sound familiar to you?"

Should it? Had he done one of ours? I didn't want to play this game right now. She knew all sorts of trivia about videos and directors and singles and shit, and usually it cracked me up. But right now I didn't want to listen to her go on and on. That sort of shit didn't make her smarter than me. "Whatever, Rache. Who is he?"

"He directed Leslie's video."

Leslie? My Leslie? She'd done a video? Right, I had vague memories of her telling me about it in a long email sometime this winter. "Is that his name? Leslie liked him. What the hell is your problem with him?"

"He's a fucking pornographer, Nick! He's creepy and weird, and he plays on little girl's insecurities to suck them in. I'm worried that Leslie liked him."

"He's a what?"

"He made a bunch of really creepy porn flicks, and then he started doing videos. I mean, they're good and all, but he just freaked me out. Really, Nick, I feel bad for Leslie, she-"

"Don't." I cut her off. This was the last thing we needed to get into. "You don't even know my sister, so just stop."

"I'd like to know your sister, but you won't let me!" she exploded. "What, they can't play her video because she's fat? That's so stupid, and it can't be good for a 14 year old girl to be judged like that because of how she looks, and-"

"That's not it, Rachel. Believe me, you don't know anything about it." Is that why her video didn't get played? The song was pretty good, better than most of the stuff Aaron was recording. I'd never really had time to think about it, and Leslie seemed perfectly happy to me. She didn't really want to do the performing thing the way and Aaron and I did.

"You ever gonna tell me, Nick?"

"You ever gonna tell me why you were naked with Jeremy this afternoon?"

"I wasn't-" she started, then I heard her take a deep breath. "I'm sorry about that. I am. But it wasn't a big deal; I change in front of the guys all the time. There is no room for modesty when you're traveling the country in a van, ya know?"

"You're not traveling in a van anymore , Rachel, remember? You're not fucking Jeremy anymore, either, remember that?" All right, that sounded mean, even to me.

She was quiet for a second, and I knew she was going to yell at me. But when she spoke, her voice was quiet and resigned. "What do you want me to say, Nick? I've apologized. I won't do it again."

What did I want her to say?

I wanted her to say she'd be here in five minutes, to kiss me before I went onstage and to sit in the pit and watch me with that gorgeous smile of hers on her face. Then I wanted her to be there after my show, so that we could make love on the bus ride to our next stop, and then do it some more when we got to the hotel. I'd just had her with me. Why couldn't I stop missing her like this?

"I'm not going to get to see you on Friday, am I?"

"No," she admitted quietly. "We need to get to L.A. on Friday now to meet with some video people."

Damnit… I had plans. We'd have a whole day off and could go into Chicago. They'd been in Chicago on 9/11, and she'd broken down, crying to me how it'd been ruined for her and all. I was going to make Chicago good again - just for Rachel. We'd stay at the House of Blues Hotel, which she loved, and visit the Duran billboard and go to our toy store to live out her sick, twisted fantasy of making out on the cement floor where we'd filmed the video.

Okay, that might be dorky, and she might not even remember that conversation…

"If you had agreed on this Dark guy, would you have to do that?"

"I suppose not. But you weren't there when we were talking to him this afternoon. Saffron and Jeremy totally agreed with me, he's a weird fuck."

There was that name again. Jeremy. I was so sick of his name. I was sick of her talking about him, and I was really sick of thinking about them together. She was quiet again and we both sat there, listening to the other breathe for a bit.

"Should I let you go?" she finally asked.

"No. Yeah. I don't know, Rache."

His voice was different. Not sad … but something else. Resigned? Had he given up on me? Was I breaking too many promises?

"I'm sorry, Nick." I tried, but he didn't respond. "Nick?"

"If this Dark guy is a fuck, then you can't work with him. I know. It's just… things are so screwed up. I hate everyone, and I hate being here. Even performing isn't seeming to be worth it, and now I can't ever see you."

"I was just there!" I couldn't help the frustration in my voice. We'd just seen each other two days ago, and even if we did have to get to LA early, I was demanding my birthday off. Saffron couldn't take that day away, and that was next week. Nick and I could live for a week without fucking. I was pretty sure of that.

"But that wasn't planned. And it wouldn't have happened if your band had anything to say about it."

"How can you say that? James came with me! Darien packed our fucking lunches for the drive up. This has nothing to do with the band, Nick. It's just what we have to do. I'm sorry if my work is interfering with your hard on!"

"Fuck you, Rache! It isn't about the sex. At least not for me…"

Ouch. Okay, I shouldn't have gone there. I knew that. I knew he wasn't with me just to get off. Hell, if he wanted that there was any number of willing women at the clubs or in his lobby when he got to the hotel… Shit. Was that it? Was he picking a fight because he was tired of dealing with me? Is this how it would end?

My head was spinning, and I fell back on the couch, glad for once that everyone else was engrossed in their video games in the front of the bus. Fuck. I didn't want this to end.

"I'm sorry, Nick. I know. I… I'm so fuckin' tired, Nicky." My voice broke, and I felt the tears on my cheeks. Fuck! I hated crying like a girl.

"Don't cry, Rache. We're both tired, and… maybe we should talk about something else. I'm sorry. I know you can't help it."

"Even so, you keep making it my fault. I'm so tired of having this conversation, Nick. You can't even imagine."

"I think I can." His voice was quiet, and it broke my heart. Of course he did. I hadn't realized it before, but we kept having the conversation because he needed me. Not that he'd ever really say that. He could say he loved me… he wanted me… but need me. Emotionally. No. I don't think he'd ever really said that. Not in so many words.

"Time!" I heard someone bellow on his end of the phone, and he sighed.

"Showtime, bunny?" I asked.

"Time to get ready, yes."

"Break a leg, Nicky."

"Don't crash the bus, Rache," he offered, making me laugh. We were quiet yet again, neither of us willing to hang up quite yet.

"I love you, bunny," I told him, willing myself not to cry. "I'm so sorry about this stupid day."

"I know… hey, do you have time tomorrow?"

"Why?" Did I? We could not possibly be doing press all day in Cincinnati, could we?

"Brian was telling me that he and Leighanne used to have phone dates. They'd both set some time aside just for them. Can we do that?"

He sounded so hopeful, and so like my normal happy Nick, that I had to smile. "Yes, honey. Absolutely." I pulled out my Palm Pilot and looked at my schedule. Okay, I'd given up on putting our schedule in there; it changed too much. Fuck it. "How's 3 in the afternoon for you tomorrow?"

"We'll say it's an early dinner."

I grinned at the phone, my heart lighter. That would be nice. "Perfect. 3 tomorrow." I made a note to myself. "You'll still call me after your show, right?"

"Of course. I can't sleep without saying good night to you."

"So nice of you to join us, Nicky. Do you need a shot to get through the meeting?"

"Fuck you, Aje." I growled at him. I was in no mood for his AA teasing. I was fine. So I went out last night. I didn't need to hear about it from him. I gulped down the aspirin Frank had handed me in the hallway and looked around for some water. Fuck it. Maybe I should just break into the vodka in Kevin's mini-bar and freak them all out.

"Nick, you're getting out of control, you know?" Howie now. I just glared at him. Big fucking deal, so I had a few drinks last night. What else was I supposed to do? They were all off with their girlfriends, and mine was sound asleep somewhere in Ohio. But I had her today at 3. Just on the phone, but still… I needed to get out of here and send her flowers or something.

"Thanks for your concern, D. I'm fine. Where's the fuckin' fire?"

I slumped, in my seat and Brian told me. Kristin had talked to some reporter yesterday and today everyone was going to know about Kevin's affair with Jana. Shit.

I slumped farther into my seat as Kevin came into the room with Jana. Connie and Jim from management weren't far behind them.

"Do any of you know what kind of chaos this is going to create?" Connie started.

"Yes, we're aware! We're not fucking stupid!" Kevin spat back. Oh, Kevin never yelled at the management people. Shit. He was pissed.

"It's happened now." Howie, ever the peacekeeper, stepped between Kevin and Connie. "There's nothing we can do about it, but work out a solution."

"Some goddamned solution," Kevin grumbled, looking down at his hands and not meeting anyone's eyes. "She's out."

"She's out?" Okay, I might still be drunk from last night, but Kevin did not just say that Jana was leaving the tour, did he? "Jana? You're out?"

Everyone but Connie and Jim looked to Jana who was quietly sitting in the corner of the couch, doing her best to disappear and keep from sobbing. I could see Kevin losing what little patience he had left as he stole a glance at her. I went over and put an arm around her. This wasn't her fault. Sure, she shouldn't be having an affair, I guess… but who were we to judge? I liked having her around. She was fun and kinda reminded me of my sisters.

Could they do that? Over this? I mean… that was just dumb, wasn't it? I thought we were done pretending to be saints? Sure, Kevin should probably not be cheating on his wife, but it was his life. "You can't just fire someone without talking to us!"

"I quit," Jana corrected, her voice barely audible. "It was the right thing to do. I'll leave after tonight's show, and you all should think of something to say to the press."

I just stared at all of them like they weren't speaking English. We should deny it. No, we should come clean, just like we did with AJ. But this was different, wasn't it? This didn't affect the shows or the fans. So Kevin couldn't keep his dick in his pants... none of us were particularly good at that, were we?

As one point, I thought Kevin was going to lean across the coffee table and strangle Jim or Connie when they made a suggestion. Damn, why was Saffron off with Sudden Silence? We liked her.

"Shit, Kev. Calm down." Brian pulled on Kevin's shirt and he shot him the death glare, making Brian pull back.

"Fine. Let's add murder to the adultery and drug abuse, shall we? Suddenly we don't look so clean cut anymore. Backstreet gone bad. News at 11."

They all turned to me, Kevin speaking first, as always, "Fuck you, Nick! You're off in fuckin' la-la land with that girl, you don't know the shit that's going on."

"Only because y'all never tell me! I'm here, Kev. I'm right down the hall, and when do I hear about shit? When it's over, usually."

"Stop it, Nick," Howie scolded, and I scowled at him, slumping back in my seat. I fuckin' hated the way they treated me when there was something big happening. Like I didn't know what I was talking about and didn't bring anything to the table. Well, fuck them. I watched everything. I knew what was going on.

Fine. Whatever. I'd just sit here and let them fight it out. Still didn't make sense, though. Why did Jana have to leave? Why couldn't we kick Kevin out? I smiled to myself at that thought. Yeah, we'd kick Kevin out, and then we could all do whatever we wanted to without Big Daddy Kev here to tell us to be quiet and shove us back into our places.

That would fuckin' rock! Hell, I could do his parts, right?

But then who would do mine? I usually got to sing lead, that was way cooler than the boring bass line. We'd make Howie do that. He sorta sucked at falsetto... give him another challenge.

I almost burst into laughter, picturing Kevin's deep voice coming out of little Howie, and Brian caught me. "Enough," he said, looking away from me. "Jana's leaving the tour, and we're not making a statement." Everyone started to talk at once, and he held up a hand. "Let's get the hell out of here."

"Here, here!" cheered AJ. "Did you talk about me like this when I left?"

We all turned to look at him. "You were in the room, Alex," Brian finally told him, and he shrugged.

"I was drunk, what did I know? Let's get out of here, let Jana and Kevin have a few moments of privacy." I think Connie and Jim were worried about pissing off the one in rehab, because they let us go, and I took off for my room.

"Hangover catching up with you, Nicky?" AJ teased, joining me at the elevator, and I shook my head.

"Stuff to do. Rachel and I have a date this afternoon."

"Is she coming today? Cool."

But I shook my head as we got on the elevator, followed by Howie and Brian. "No. It's a phone date," I told them, smiling at Brian. He had good ideas sometimes. Look at him and Leighanne, they were cool. Maybe someday Rachel and I would have the big fairy tale wedding and live happily ever after, too. "She's been really busy, so we scheduled something."

AJ snickered. "You named her, dude."

"What?"

"Buttercup," he drawled, then shook his head as the elevator stopped on our floor. "Have you never listened to that song, little man? It is from the song, right?"

"Yeah…" I offered. What was wrong with the song?

"I thought it was the Powerpuff Girl!" Howie exclaimed, and we all turned to look at him. "The green grumpy one is Buttercup. She's got dark hair like Rachel. I thought it was that."

"It's not, but that rocks," I answered. The Powerpuff Girls were cool, right? And the grumpy dark haired one was Buttercup? I needed to check that out. Rachel would love that.

"The song, Nicky!" AJ interjected. He liked being the center of attention. "And then worst of all, you never call me when you say you will," he sang.

Of course Howie and Brian then had to join in. Howie even did the little echo bits.

…but I love you still
I need you more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up, Buttercup, don't break my heart

"I'll be over at ten", you told me time and again
But you're late, I wait around and then
I run to the door, I can't take any more
It's not you, you let me down again

Baby, baby, try to find
A little time, and I'll make you mine
I'll be home
I'll be beside the phone waiting for you…

"Have you been practicing?" I asked dryly, and they laughed before they could go into the next verse.

"Who needs to practice?" AJ said. "We can harmonize anything, dude."

"We could sing it at your wedding, but its sorta depressing," Howie added.

I wrinkled my nose at him. Was it bad that our song was about a girl who kept letting her guy down? We needed another song. We had a couple; hell, she'd made me a whole CD of songs that made her think of me… and I'd picked this one for her nickname. I was stupid.

"Oh, go away, all of you. I have planning to do." As my door slammed behind me, I could hear them walking away, still singing.

Why do you build me up Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down and mess me around
And then worst of all you never call, baby…

She'd call. I knew she would. It was just a stupid song.

"Rache, your Palm Pilot was ringing…" Lola said, handing it over as she ushered us to the bus. Why was my Palm Pilot reminding me of something? I'd stopped putting our schedule into it; I just let Saffron or Lola lead me from interview to interview.

Shit. What time was it? I had a date with Nick. But that was later, right? I flipped open the case and my heart sank as I tapped on my schedule. "DATE WITH NICK," it said, flashing at me accusingly. 3 PM. Maybe I had it set to the wrong time zone, and I really had an hour before I was late…

"What time is it?" I asked the bus as I stepped on.

"Nearly four," James told me, glancing at his watch. "Why the hell are we heading for the venue already?"

"Big meet and greet tonight, we've got to soundcheck early."

"But… but…" I stammered, standing there as the others climbed on the bus behind me. "I…" I couldn't tell them I had a date. I'd get teased for days. "I didn't pack! We're leaving from the venue tonight, aren't we?"

"I'm coming back during your set," Lola informed me. "I will pack for you. The schedule got a little bit jammed today, I'll take care of it."

"The porn goes in the green bag," James instructed her, trying to sound serious. "Don't forget any of it, okay? There might be some under the bed."

"Ew!" Darien exclaimed. "What, is your boy toy not enough for you?"

I sank into a seat, not listening to their bickering. I was the worst girlfriend in the world. I should have looked at my watch and insisted that we cut the interview short at 3.

What did that matter? It was only four, and we were leaving for the venue. We still would have only had an hour.

We would have at least had that. I sucked. Where the hell was my phone? I could go in the back for a little privacy and beg his forgiveness.

"Rache!" I yelled into the phone. I wasn't sure whether to be pissed off or worried or what. We were in the same time zone, weren't we? Maybe she got confused, and thought it was four. Then she'd be on time, and I wouldn't have to be angry with her.

"Sorry, dude, it's just me." Vinnie. Fuck. Not even Rachel. "Waiting for a call?"

"Yeah… sorta."

"Got a hot date?" he teased.

"Yes, actually," I admitted. "And she's late, so I need my phone."

He burst into laughter. "She's late? For a fucking phone date? Dude, why are you putting up with this shit?"

But I love you still
I need you more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start…

Stupid fucking catchy song. Ever since the fellas serenaded me in the hallway earlier, it had been stuck in my head.

"Shut up, Vin. I've got to go."

"No, no, no. Hold up. How late is she?"

"A few minutes. It's not important. I don't want-"

He cut me off. "Sounds like it's longer than that. Stay on the phone with me, you wuss. She's made you wait, let her wait for a second if she's finally trying to call you. Let her see that you're not going to wait around all day for her call."

I'll be beside the phone waiting for you…

Alright, I had had enough of that fucking song. I went over to my CD player and flipped it open. I had that stupid Dido CD in here... good date music. There was no fucking date now, so I could listen to what I liked instead of stupid wimpy chick music. System of a Down. Rachel hated them. Good.

"Right. Good idea, Vin."

He chuckled. "Of course, Carter, that's why you keep me around. Because you are hopeless with the ladies! No wonder she's walking all over you."

"She's not!"

"Yeah, right. What's lying around your hotel room waiting for her call?"

I glared at the phone. How did he know that's exactly what I was doing? I was staring at the ceiling, listening to chick music and smelling my candles while the sushi I'd ordered got cold. Or warm. Whatever sushi shouldn't be, that's what it was doing. That was my big romantic idea, I'd had sushi sent to her, too, because we both liked it and we'd never had a chance to go out for it together. There was a place I liked in L.A., and I was going to take her there on her birthday.

Fuck, she probably hadn't called because she was in a meeting about all the things she had to do that would ruin that day off, too.

"What else am I gonna do in Cleveland, dude?" I was just stuck here anyway. Waiting for Rachel or not, I hung around a lot of stupid hotel rooms.

"Anything, man. Dude, you are a superstar. Who needs this Rachel chick when you can have anyone? You know there are dozens of girls just wandering around the hotel, hoping for a glimpse of you. You should make one of them happy."

I should. Let Rachel know how it felt to know that someone else had seen me naked.

Stupid idea, Nick. Vinnie was a bad influence. I took the lid off my sushi and considered it. Eating was definitely less dangerous.

"I'm not that pissed off, dude. Talk to me for a while. If she calls, it can go into voicemail."

The first thing I noticed when I got on the bus were the gorgeous roses on our kitchen table. "Ooh, secret admirer, Lola?" Darien teased, glancing over before heading for the refrigerator. "Hey! Is that… sushi? Kick ass!" He emerged with a tray and popped the lid off in seconds, considering what might be the best.

"Hey, not for you!" Lola scolded, pulling it out of his hands as Jeremy and James joined us. "That's for Rachel."

But I just shrugged, pulling the card from my roses. "They can have it." I wasn't hungry. I didn't deserve sushi. Nick had sent me roses and sushi for our date, and I wasn't even there. I was the worst girlfriend in the history of the world. Our first phone date, and I'd fucked it up.

"Hey, why does Rachel get sushi?" Darien asked petulantly.

"I don't know," Lola answered. "But I went up to pack and there were roses and sushi. Looks like maybe the boy toy had plans?"

"Ew, how long has this been out?" Jeremy exclaimed, letting his half eaten piece fall back onto the plate, and Lola laughed at him.

"It was on ice." I could hear the eye roll in her voice as I went into the back, pulling the curtain shut behind me.

I was such a bad girlfriend I'd only left two messages on his voicemail before I'd gotten pulled into the meet and greet and soundcheck and the show and the rest of my stupid life. Fuck. I'd convinced myself that it wasn't a big deal, and he'd forgive me, but he'd gone to all this trouble to make our date special and I wasn't there.

He might not even be talking to me. Why did I keep getting his voicemail?

"Hey!" he answered, and I wasn't sure whether to be happy or scared that he actually answered the phone.

"Oh, bunny, I feel like such a heel. I had no idea you'd done all this."

"All what?" I asked. The music was loud, maybe I should go outside?

Fuck that.

"The flowers and the sushi… that was so sweet, bunny. I'm so sorry I missed our date."

"Not a big deal." Did that sound unconcerned? Vinnie said I needed to make it sound like it wasn't a big deal. I should treat our stupid date just like she did, like it didn't matter.

"Of course it was, Nick! I suck. I am a horrible girlfriend."

"Not a big deal, Rache," I growled before she could go on. I didn't want to feel sorry for her. She was the one who fucked up here, not me.

She was quiet for a second, or maybe I just couldn't hear her over the music in the club. "What?" I asked, and she sighed.

"Nothing. Where are you? The show's over, isn't it?"

"I'm out at a club with some people. It's really loud here."

"Yeah, I hear that." Her voice was trying to joke, but I knew she didn't mean it. Maybe she really did feel bad about missing our date.

Fuck that, if she felt that bad, she could have been there. Vinnie was right, I needed to stop chasing her. Let her chase me for a change.

"Um… guess I'll let you go?" she attempted, and I shrugged. Obviously she wasn't real interested in chasing me.

"Yeah, I'm in the middle of something."

"Alright. Good night. I really am sorry, bunny."

"I know. It's okay. Good night, Rache."

"Love you."

I had to stare at a point in the wall, swallowing around the lump in my throat. Why wasn't I in my quiet room, listening to her talk about her day?

Because that was a whipped thing to do. Vinnie was right.

"You too, babe. Talk to you later."

He clicked off and I could only blink at the phone. Shit. He was so mad. This date was supposed to make things better after our stupid fight yesterday, and then I'd gone and fucked it up.

Well… not on purpose. He had to know that, right? My life was just completely out of my control this week. He must remember how much work it was in the beginning, all the things you had to do to keep your name in the press.

Yeah… we'd talked about that. He was just out with some friends, he'd call me later and we'd make up. Yeah.

Yeah, right.

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