Oreos for Breakfast: Nick BSB Fiction

Oreos for Breakfast - Chapter 21

By
The Paperbag Princess & The Pumpkin Coach

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Dinner. We were going to dinner. She wanted me to take her to dinner. That was good, right? She could have kicked me out of her room and told me she never wanted to see me again. She didn't have to go to dinner with me. She said we needed to talk.

What did we need to talk about? Couldn't we just have sex? I could still feel her lips on mine, the way her body felt pressed up against mine…

She was right. Sex was bad. It wouldn't solve any of our problems. Dinner would be good. We'd be in a public place, so there'd be a table between us; this was a good idea.

Where the hell were we going to go? She wanted me to make a reservation. Where? I could call the concierge, right? But then he'd ask a bunch of questions. Casual or dressy? What sort of food? Blah blah blah… did I have anything to wear?

I went to find my bag and found hers instead. I'd known Sean would take care of the presents. She liked the bracelet, right? Yeah, she smiled, her eyes lit up, I knew that look on her face. She liked it. Then she'd probably really like the necklace.

She'd like the stupid stuff even more. I hadn't told her that one of the Powerpuff Girls was named Buttercup. The dark-haired grumpy one. That was my Rachel, especially today. I'd watched her growling at people at the video shoot. She was tired. It had been a long tour, and she'd never done a real video shoot like this. This was completely different from that fun day with Em. I knew it was driving her crazy. If we were still together, she'd be calling me every five minutes.

My phone rang, and I picked it up. Don't be Rachel canceling on me, please. "Hello?"

"Nicky!" Howie said, surprised. "How are you?"

"I'm fine, Howie. Why are you calling me?"

"Just checking in. Kevin said you were with Rachel."

He wanted the gossip. Of course he did. "Are you calling on behalf of the fellas?"

That made him laugh. "Well… I will probably share the details with them when I see them. So…?"

Maybe Howie could help. He was good with the ladies. "We're going to dinner. We talked a little, and then she told me she'd go to dinner with me. I've got like 25 minutes. Where should I take her?"

"Someplace quiet. And romantic. You know that sushi place on Sunset? They have little rooms in the back. She likes sushi, right? Get the chef's menu."

"What's that?"

He sighed. "It's the tasting menu. Whatever the chef thinks is good. Order that; it'll impress her."

"Ok." It couldn't hurt to try and impress her. I could use all the help I could get. "She likes sushi. We can just wear jeans, right?" Because I didn't have anything else. At least I'd packed the button fly ones she really liked. And… I rummaged through my bag as Howie told me yes we could wear jeans, but I might want to make an effort… I had a blue shirt. It was a little wrinkled, but good enough.

"I can't make an effort, dude. I have a pair of jeans and two shirts. And only 20 minutes. No time to shop."

"Are they at least clean? Tell me you didn't just pack the clothes that were lying on your floor."

"I wasn't in the room long enough to do that. I grabbed whatever was on top of my suitcase."

"Wow. You left that quick? How did we miss that?"

"It's my ninja powers, dude. I can sneak out without anyone noticing."

He cracked up. "This is the only time you've managed that, Nicky. I'm impressed that she's inspiring you to such levels of devotion."

"Well…"

"Yeah," he finished before I could go on. "Yeah, she's great. Go shower. Have a nice night. I hope it works out."

"Thanks, D."

I hung up and called the concierge. Three minutes, and we had a reservation and a car. This place rocked. It took me ten minutes to shower and change, and I found myself paying too much attention to my hair. But it made sense. I needed to impress her tonight. I hadn't done that for a while. It was sorta like when I first met her and I'd get all excited and nervous before I saw her. I liked that rush. I liked having to prove myself. Everything was so easy in my life. It was nice to know that I could do something. I could arrange a date and impress a girl and she could like me beyond being a Backstreet Boy.

Rachel still liked me, right?

Why was my room phone ringing? Didn't I have the "do not disturb" on it? I threw the towel around my body and lunged for the phone. "Rachel Connor."

"Rachel Connor, James Packard here."

I scowled, balancing the phone on my shoulder as I tried to continue drying off. I'd told Nick I'd meet him in half an hour, and that was nearly twenty minutes ago. I'd sort of lost myself in the shower, getting distracted thinking about him. I couldn't be in the same room with him without crumbling, could I? He was too cute and earnest. If he was already crying, I knew the falling to his knees and begging couldn't be far off.

"Why are you calling me?" I teased, knowing full well what the answer was. I was surprised that my boys hadn't come down here yet wanting to know what was going on.

"Umm… can I borrow some sugar?"

"Ha fucking ha. No, he's not here. And yes, I'm all right. You expected me to cave, didn't you?"

"Didn't you?"

"Not immediately, no. I'm making him take me out to dinner." I was so caving, wasn't I?

"Expensive, I hope."

"Duh. I have to get dressed; I'm supposed to be in the lobby in 10 minutes."

"Need help?"

I had to laugh at James' eager voice. He was dying to come and hear what was happening. The next thing I knew, he was knocking on my door. I opened it with a smile. "What? Were you standing there the whole time?"

He just smiled. "The towel is not even trying to play hard to get, hon."

"Oh, stop. I don't need fashion advice. It's not like I need to impress him!"

James followed me into the bedroom and screamed. "What?" I asked.

"Have you been wearing all of Nick's wardrobe?"

I looked around the room for the first time and nearly died. Yeah, I had. Two of his t-shirts were on the floor by the closet, and Thor the bear was wrapped in that black t-shirt we'd bought in Long Island when he was with me over the summer. Thank god Nick and I had only been in the front room!

James went over to the stereo and held up the CD that had been in there. "Dido? My god, girl… I'm surprised you've held out this long."

I tried to ignore him, rummaging through my suitcase to find a matching bra for the cute little butterfly underwear that I had on. More cute than sexy, plus I knew that Nick liked them. Not that he was going to see them tonight… I turned to the closet to consider my clothes. Suddenly I was terrified of going downstairs. I forced myself to throw on the first shirt I found - a deep purple silk blouse that Lola and I had bought in San Francisco the other day - and then fell on the bed next to James.

"I'm caving, James."

"Yeah, you are. You need pants, too, dear."

"But he cheated on me! How lame am I to be still so infatuated with him?"

James shrugged and then leaned over, tucking a damp curl behind my ear and kissing me on the forehead lightly. "Sometimes we don't choose who we fall in love with, Rache."

"Is this love, though? I mean… I feel so twisted around inside. Jeremy and I did this for so long… maybe I think when a guy treats me like shit, it means he loves me! Maybe I'm just completely fucked up and unlovable!"

"Take that back!" James said sharply, "Just stop. Jeremy was a fuck, I give you that… but… Nick isn't him. Nick fucked up, and he hurt you. Believe me, I'll be making him pay for that for a while."

I had to smile at that, "Did you really tell him never to call me again?"

"Umm… something like that. I think I told him to lose your number. Obviously the boy doesn't follow directions well."

"See! Maybe I can't trust him! Maybe this'll just happen again and we'll be right back here!"

"No. If this happens again, he's history, Rache. I'll let you cave once…"

I had to smile at James. He was giving me an out, wasn't he? I knew he'd wanted to punch Nick out today on the bus, but he'd controlled himself. He knew this wasn't over yet.

I leaned over and hugged him. "Thank you, James."

He just held me tighter for a moment before getting up and finding my favorite jeans in my suitcase and throwing them to me. "You're officially late for your date, dear."

"Manly bag, dude. I so knew you were buying that for yourself."

I turned around to find Sean smiling at me. "Shut up. I left it in the car. I didn't get a chance to give it to her yet. What are you doing here?"

"Taking a couple of rock stars to dinner, they tell me. I'm pulling a double shift."

I couldn't help smiling. "Cool." I had to remember to give him a really big tip. He was a cool guy; we'd talked about all sorts of stuff today, and he'd given me good advice about girls.

Okay, how sad was it that I was friends with this driver guy after a couple of hours? I needed more friends.

I had friends. But maybe I needed friends like Sean, who could give me good advice about girls. Not friends like Vinnie, who told me to play hard to get and then Rachel would want me more. Yeah, that worked. Not.

"So we're going to dinner?" Sean asked. "Is that good?"

I shrugged. "I have no fucking idea, man. I think so. She wants to talk."

"No, not the talking!" he said in a horrified tone. "Be careful. You have to tell the truth and shit."

See? Vinnie'd told me to pretend I didn't care. Sean was right. I should tell the truth.

But maybe if I told her how much I loved her and missed her, it would freak her out. It sorta freaked me out.

Maybe I need to call Howie back. Howie was good with the girls.

Too late. That was her, getting off the elevator. God, she was so pretty. She'd pulled her hair up… did she do that just to drive me crazy? Her neck was just begging me to kiss it.

She'd worn her hair like that the last time we'd had dinner. Right before she'd left me.

This night was not going to end like that. No. Tonight, I'd be bringing her back here, and I'd take the pins out of her hair and let it fall all around us as I kissed her…

"Are you bringing a friend, Nick?" she asked, and I couldn't figure out what the hell she was talking about for a second. Sean. Right.

"No, this is Sean. He's driving us. And he drove me around today."

"Yes, I helped him stalk you this afternoon," he finished for me, and Rachel laughed, holding out a hand to him.

"Pleased to meet you. Or should I be worried that you're going to kidnap me?"

"Not in the Peninsula's car, ma'am," he answered, shaking her hand.

Then there was a second of silence when they both looked at me expectantly. "Oh. Right. Let's go?" I had to stop staring at her and losing myself in how pretty she was. I loved those low-cut jeans she was wearing. And she had on a pretty purple top that I'd never seen before. Had she been shopping?

They'd gone gold. Had they been given a royalty check? Hadn't she told me they were meeting with the record company in LA? Maybe that's why she'd gone shopping and bought a new top.

Come on, Nick, she could buy a new top without a royalty check. It probably wasn't that expensive… maybe. It was sorta sheer and floaty… might be silk. Hey, is that my bracelet she's wearing?

"Nice backpack," she said, bumping into me slightly as Sean held the door of the car open for us.

I shrugged it off my shoulder and gave it to her as I got in the car after her. "It's for you. Birthday presents."

Grinning, she took it. "I was hoping you'd say that. Hello Kitty playing a guitar isn't exactly your style, but it is mine."

"I, uh, got it today. I have stuff I already got for you, but I forgot to pack it. And Sean said I really should show up with presents."

She laughed as Sean started the car. "Good man, Sean."

"Hey, I took him to Tiffany's, but then he wanted to go to Chinatown…"

"That's because he knows what I like," she told him, smiling at me. I loved that smile. That was my smile, the one that meant she loved me.

She still loved me!

I shook my head, opening the backpack. "I'm not taking you back just because you bought me some presents. But I'm not giving them back, either."

"I know…" he said. "But I missed your birthday."

"Then they'd better be good," I teased, pulling out a handful of stickers of Hello Kitty playing a guitar. Yeah, those were going on the guitar and probably all over the bus, if the boys would let me. Did we get to keep our bus after tomorrow night? I'd have to ask Lola that. There was a tour of Christmas radio shows starting in November, after we got back from Europe. Just thinking about it made me tired.

Nick was smiled over at me, and I felt myself blush. I'd obsess about my schedule later. I looked back in the bag,and there were a couple other Hello Kitty things, then some Powerpuff Girls. The Powerpuff Girls? Not that I had anything against them, but they were never really my thing.

Allie really liked them, though. And Colleen told me once that the pink one was cool because she got to boss people around. That was so my Colleen, always playing second fiddle to her older sister, so that she was dying for her time to lead something. Man, she'd been mad at me today. She always wanted to talk to me when I called… I bet if I took Nick back, she'd like me again.

Yeah, that was a great reason to take him back, Rache! Get a fuckin' grip.

I shot him a quizzical look, and he grinned. "Howie told me the green grumpy one is named Buttercup."

I looked at the small doll I was holding with a smile. "Is she?"

"Yes. She's dark haired and grumpy, just like you."

"I am not grumpy!" I protested, making him laugh.

"I was at the shoot today. You were so grumpy."

I pouted at him for a moment, considering. Perhaps I had not been at my best today. "Yeah, well… I've been a little cranky lately. Is that Buttercup's super power? Glaring?"

"Looks like it." He took the doll from me and held it up, imitating her glare. Fuck, he was so cute. I was so taking him back. I should just admit it now.

"You are so not intimidating, Nicky," I teased, making him pout.

Fuck. Why did I do that? He was so cute when he pursed out his lips like that. I just wanted to kiss him… and last time we'd been in the back of a limo…

But this wasn't a limo, it was just a nice car. Right. I had to stop this. It was so easy to be relaxed and silly with him, but that wouldn't solve any of our problems. I'd be in Europe in a few days, gone for weeks, and I knew what would happen if I just fell into taking him back.

I took the doll back from him, and I could tell by his expression that he knew what I was thinking. "There's one more," he told me carefully, and I gave him a smile as I pulled out the box at the bottom of the backpack. We needed to talk, but I was trying not to be angry, too…

I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what I wanted to talk about. I just wanted to have fun with him again. It felt like all we did any longer was fight, and I wasn't sure how to stop that.

Fuck. Another Tiffany's box.

"Nick, really… you shouldn't be buying me all these things."

"Why not, buttercup? It's your birthday. Was."

I opened the box, finding an amazing necklace, silver and diamonds, two adjoining hearts. Okay. Not silver. Platinum, I was sure. "Oh, bunny, really…" I heard myself breathe. "It's lovely."

"It's us," he told me quietly. "See? It looks sorta like an infinity symbol, right?" It did.

Shutting the box, I put it back in the bag. "It's beautiful. Thank you."

We were so far from infinity. But I did appreciate the sentiment. He was quiet as I gathered my presents, putting them all back into the bag carefully. I could tell he was hurt that I didn't put the necklace on, but I couldn't.

Besides, it didn't go with my shirt.

"Where are we going?" I finally asked, breaking the silence.

"A sushi place. Is that okay? We can go somewhere else."

"No. Sushi is good," I said. "I'll be here this time," I went on, remembering our disastrous phone date when he'd sent me sushi and flowers and I'd missed it.

"Promise band business won't interrupt?" He was trying to tease, but I knew part of him was serious. So I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and switched it off, putting it into the Hello Kitty bag with all my presents.

"Promise. Not that they should. We've got the night off."

"Something always comes up."

It was dark, and I couldn't read his expression. Was he actually angry? Wasn't he supposed to be apologizing to me here?

Well… it's not like I'd been the model girlfriend lately.

Luckily, right then we arrived at the restaurant. I was perhaps too hungry to begin this conversation. We were shown to a table in the back, in a sort of secluded alcove, quiet and lit by candles. We had to sit on pillows on the floor and take off our shoes. I loved places like this, and judging from Nick's grin, he did, too. We hadn't done very many date nights, had we? But this was terribly romantic, which made me nervous. Were we ready for romantic yet?

"I hear the chef's menu is the way to go here," Nick told me, and I had to smile at his knowledge. Usually I was the one who knew about food and wine and restaurants. He just never paid that much attention. He'd told me once that McDonald's was a five-star restaurant to him.

"Great," I told him. "I'll try anything once. Could we get a bottle of wine?" I asked the server.

I loved to watch her talk about wine. Maybe one of these days I'd actually listen. But she always picked something I liked, so why bother? I'd never remember all the stuff she knew, about regions and grapes and ages. It took a five-minute conversation for her to decide on something, and then she looked at me for approval.

"Whatever, Rache," I shrugged. "That was Greek to me, you know that."

She smiled, taking my hand as she looked back at the server. "Then that's fine, please. Thank you."

She was holding my hand. I couldn't believe how good that felt. It was just habit, I knew that. We held hands all the time, and she was just amused by my ignorance of wine, that's all it was. But the server left, and Rachel didn't let go of my hand, just turned back to me with a smile. "If the food is half as good as the atmosphere, this will be very nice. Good suggestion."

Should I admit it was Howie's idea? No. This is where I'd planned to take her for her birthday dinner. I would have come up with it on my own.

Should I mention the birthday thing again? Probably not, then we might have to talk about why we hadn't been together that day.

So I looked down at our hands, and there was her new tattoo. I traced the design carefully with my free hand. It was three Chinese characters, like I'd thought when I'd watched her this afternoon on the monitors. "What does this mean?"

Oh, great, Nick. What if it means 'boys suck'? Do I want to know?

She pointed to each character in turn, explaining them. "This is woman, and strength, and advocate. It means 'feminist' all together. Sorta. There's another character in there, but even numbers are unlucky, and I like the way these three look together."

I was right. It means 'boys suck'. Fuck.

"It's there to remind me what's important," she went on, taking her hand out of mine. Yeah, I'd seen that coming. "My job is important, and my band is going to make me happier than any man ever will."

Ow. Damnit. I got 'love' over my heart, and she gets this.

She saw the look on my face, and her voice softened. "Well… my band is the security I want in my life. Girls are raised to get that security from a guy, and that's a flawed model. I need to do that stuff on my own."

What could I say to that? The arrival of wine saved me, and there were a few minutes of her tasting it and smelling the cork and stuff. It was a good wine, I realized, sipping it as our first course arrived. Tuna sashimi with peppers. We both took a bite and turned to each other in amazement.

"Wow," she said, swallowing. "It's a party in my mouth."

I almost choked on my food, trying not to laugh .

"Well, it is!" she said at my expression. "Totally yummy."

"I agree," I finally managed. "And so is the wine."

She smiled, and we ate in silence for a moment, enjoying the food. She struggled with her chopsticks a bit, and we both laughed.

"The band has got to be my priority," she said after a moment. Guess we're back to the conversation, then. Couldn't we just eat this delicious food and forget about the talk?

"I know," I told her. Okay, I mumbled it. This wasn't what I wanted to hear.

"It has to be, Nick. We just went gold! I never thought that would happen, not in a million years. They're telling us we should hit platinum by Christmas, and… god, there are so many reasons I want that. It's not going to happen if I run off to be with you every time you throw a fit."

"I want it, too, Rache. I'm so proud of you. I love watching you have all this success. It's great."

She smiled, but her eyes were sad. "I'm sorry. I know you want more from me. But I only have so much energy, and there are only so many hours in a day, and I have so much to do. If I don't do this now…if I run off to be with you and the band gets fucked up, I would never be able to forgive myself. I lost the band once, and I just can't do it again."

"I don't want you to lose the band! I never said that!"

"You sure did pout a couple of weeks ago when I wasn't returning your calls," she shot back. "I know I was being a shitty girlfriend. I even admitted that to you, more than once. I felt horrible about missing our phone date. But you didn't even want to hear me apologize."

"Well… I…" I'd been a shit. Why did I ever listen to Vinnie? "Vinnie said…"

"Yeah, tell your friend he's an idiot," Rachel interrupted. "I can't wait to meet him," she added, sarcastically.

"It got your attention," he mumbled. But I heard him.

"You had my attention," I told him. "I apologized! I felt horrible, and you acted like you didn't care. You didn't need to be such an asshole about it."

"I wasn't an asshole!" he snapped. His tone made me stop and we both just looked at one another for a moment. "Sorry… I didn't mean to snap at you, but… I don't know what you want, Rachel. Really, I don't. I try to support you and the band, I do. Damn, I am so proud of you. We joke about me being your groupie, but sometimes it really feels like that."

What the hell did that mean? That didn't sound good. His tone definitely didn't suggest that it was a good thing.

"Meaning?"

He took a deep breath and poked at another piece of tuna with his chopstick, skewering it and then popping it into his mouth. He chewed carefully, apparently biding his time. "I'm there when it's convenient for you."

"What the fuck? How can you say that? Whenever I'm not working, I'm on the phone with you or trying to get to you or just fucking thinking about you. Do you think that's convenient?"

He raised an eyebrow at my tone, and I tried to lower my voice, taking a sip of wine to try to calm my racing heart.

"You have no idea how many fights I've had with the boys over this."

"No, I don't. Because you never tell me! I call you all the time, and you barely ever call me back. What am I supposed to think, Rache?"

"That I'm working? That I'm busy and you can't be my whole life?"

That wasn't true. I always called him back. Well… sort of. Sometimes I made him wait, and sometimes other things just came up and suddenly the day would go by and I'd have forgotten to call him. Then I'd have to deal with him pouting, come to think of it. How did I never see how spoiled he could be?

"I don't need to be your whole life, but I wanted to be part of it…" His voice trailed off as the curtain to our little alcove moved and our waiter appeared, making both of us sit back as he cleared our first course. We both smiled, telling him the tuna was excellent. It was. It was the conversation that was starting to make me feel sick.

The waiter left, and Nick picked up the wine bottle, refilling my glass and I tried to smile at him, but he avoided my eyes. Fuck. 'Wanted'?

"You 'wanted' to? As in past tense… not any more?" I asked, my voice low. That got his attention though. Like that email where he'd said he was tired of chasing me. Was that really what I was doing? Was I testing him… seeing how far he would follow me? My heart started racing, and I took a gulp of my wine to try to calm down.

"God, no. Rachel, I love you so much." His eyes met mine, and he grabbed my hand across the table calming me a bit with his touch. "I know that more now than I did even a week ago. Hell, even a couple days ago. I know you think I'm too young for all of this, but I'm not. I know without a doubt that I love you and I should be satisfied with any part of you I can have."

And I meant that this time. All week I'd been longing for those hurried conversations we'd have while she was on her way to another interview or show. It'd be fine if she hadn't called me back because she was busy. Not like this week when hadn't called me back because she was angry at me… because I'd hurt her.

"You don't mean that."

"Don't tell me what I mean, Rache!" I snapped, and neither of us blinked for a moment, the tension rising between us again. "You have no idea how lonely my life is without you."

"Lonely? Could have fooled me… Sounds like there's always a girl around willing to give you what you need," she replied sarcastically, and I groaned. That fucking article!

"The girls didn't mean anything, Rache. They were just sex. It was Vinnie's idea anyway."

"So whose idea was the girl you cheated on me with? What was her name?"

"Donna? Debra? No… Daphne!"

"You don't remember her name? You know that makes you look like a real asshole, right?"

She was angry again. I could feel her hands shaking as I held them. She must have noticed it, too, because she withdrew quickly, folding her hands on her lap so I couldn't touch her.

"But she didn't mean anything, Rache. Seriously. She was in the bar with a bunch of us and then came up to the room when we moved the party there. You saw the room… I doubt I was in any condition to do anything sexual with her."

"Was she sleeping next to you the next morning?"

What? Of course… defeated, I nodded at her, and she just raised an eyebrow. "Suddenly, you're a 21-year-old saint who can sleep next to a woman without wanting to fuck her? You deserve a gold star, baby."

I couldn't let her go on like this. I knew I'd fucked up, and how many times did I have to apologize? I'd been apologizing ten times a day to her fucking voicemail! We wouldn't even be here now if she had let me explain then. Time had just made the whole thing so much worse. Of course she thought the worst of me. She'd had a whole week to think about what an asshole I was!

"Why did you leave without even letting me explain, Rache?" I asked quickly, not really sure I wanted the answer.

She was taken back, but she went with my change of direction. "I knew you'd keep lying to me. That's why I just yelled at you and left. I didn't want to hear your reasons then, but I do now."

There was a challenge in her eyes, and I wasn't man enough for it. I panicked, stumbling over words, and the dumbest ones possible escaped. "You weren't there, and I wanted… I needed… I was lonely and I…"

Disappointed, she shook her head at me as the waiter came over again. We were quiet as he explained the next dish - salmon in something with something else. I don't know. All I could think about was how to answer her question. Why had I done it? I'd had a million reasons come into my head in the past week, but none of them seemed to make sense now.

The waiter left again, and she looked up at me, but I concentrated on picking up a piece of salmon without dropping it. I couldn't look at her and string a sentence together. We each had a couple bites, and then she cleared her throat, "Well?"

"Baby…"

She stopped me. "Talk to me without using the word 'baby' or resorting to song lyrics."

I leaned back, deflated. That's all I had. Was I really going to sit here and not even try? I'd come all this way, and part of me had thought we were getting somewhere… Frank and Kevin were right. I was such a punkass.

"I don't know why I did it, Rache."

She started to speak, and I flinched. Was I going to lose the use of 'Rache'?

"Well, then how are you going to convince me that you won't do it again?"

Didn't everyone tell me she was smarter than me?

He looked terrified. Like a kid facing the test of his life and he hadn't studied. Part of me loved seeing him squirm like this.

"Because you're not Mandy."

Mandy? How was I supposed to take that?

"I mean, you never were. You've always been so different from her. But… I used to do this with her. I'd get mad at her, and cheat on her, and we'd fight and make up, and it was okay again for a little while. I learned my lesson, Rache. I'm never doing this again."

"I would have hoped that you wouldn't need to be taught this one. Nick, you knew I couldn't stand for this."

"It was just once, Rache! I fucked up, I missed you so bad, I was drunk, and I didn't know what I was doing."

I exhaled slowly, watching him. Did I even want the answer to this question? "Why, Nick? You weren't just being stupid. You did it deliberately. You did this to hurt me. You knew this was the deal-breaker."

Reluctantly, he nodded and then pretended great interest in the salmon we were eating, and I let him be quiet for a moment. He'd done it to hurt me? He knew that? There went my illusion that it all was some sort of bizarre accident, that there was some logical reason for it that I hadn't considered yet.

"I can't imagine it now. I saw the look on your face, and it was worse than anything I could ever dream, and it was all over. I hurt you more than you hurt me, and I'm sorry."

"How did I hurt you?"

"You weren't there. You weren't even there when I called, and that whole week before it was phone tag. You don't know what life is like in Backstreet land now, Rache. It's horrible. We're all avoiding each other or fighting. Kevin is dealing with the whole Jana thing, and AJ is… I don't know. It's like none of us know how to be friends anymore. And I'm alone, so I drink too much and try to find something to occupy my time, but there isn't anything. And then the fellas just get mad at me because it's easier to yell at me than deal with the fact that we're all losing money and N*Sync is winning the fucking war… That's not even my fuckin' fucked up family… Mom and Aaron and Pops are fighting, so they all call me to complain."

I could barely follow him. He'd thrown his chopsticks down and was just going on about everything that was going on in his life, and I sat there, dumbfounded.

All this was going on and I had no idea? How could I have no idea? I was supposed to be his girlfriend. I reached over and ran my hand down his arm, pulling his hand across the table into mine. I had to touch him and… what? Comfort him? Suddenly I felt like I should be the one apologizing, not him. James was so right; I was caving.

But he shrugged my hand off, just exploding at me. "I know! I know it's not a fucking excuse! But Rache, I don't have anything to tell you. I fucked a groupie because I was stupid drunk and insane with jealousy. That little boy emotional roller coaster you tease me about was out of fucking control. I didn't like it, I didn't enjoy it, and I was terrible to the poor girl. But for about twenty seconds I felt like I was in control of this relationship - hell, of my life - not you. I was driving the car instead of letting you or the fellas or my family lead me. She was there, and I wanted her, and I did it, and no one could tell me no."

Wow. Now that was something I didn't expect.

After a moment, I spoke. "Go on. That was good."

He shook his head.

He'd put himself out on a limb there, hadn't he?

"Alright. How's this? I really get off on how you adore me. I like it so much it scares the fuck out of me. I never meant for this relationship to be anything more than me enjoying the adoration of a lovely young man. So it was supposed to be really easy for me to be away from you. And it wasn't. As great as this tour should have been, you haven't been there with me and sometimes I've resented you for making me miserable. So… it's entirely possible that I've liked hearing that edge of desperation in your voice when you only get my voicemail."

He was staring at me, amazed. I took a deep breath, not really able to stop myself. Suddenly I didn't care about being mad at him. I got up and went over to him. Sitting on the pillows next to him, I took both his hands in mine.

"Oh, bunny…" At the sound of my stupid nickname for him, he blinked and a tear ran down his cheek. Oh, god, if we weren't on pillows, I'd be the one kneeling, wouldn't I? Fuck.

"I love that you found me," I whispered, and he leaned his head on my shoulder as I wiped the tear from his cheek. "I love that no matter how many times I hang up on you, you keep calling. When I didn't hear from you all day today, I was terrified that you'd given up and this was really over. I love that you're sitting here right now looking like you're about to melt with loving me."

"I do love you. I'll keep adoring you if you love it. I don't care about the roller coaster, Rache. I'll learn to deal with this, just please, please, take me back."

I brushed the hair away from his face and he shuddered at my touch. God. Who was I to stand in the way of this?

But I had to.

"I… I can't, Nick."

I couldn't have heard her right. She just said no? After all that, she said no?

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, feeling her tremble next to me. When I pulled back and looked at her, I saw her pretty face, tears falling from her eyes, and I couldn't help myself. I pulled her into my arms, and she didn't fight me. Instead she clung to me.

"I can't, Nick. I want…" Her voice was barely a whisper, and I tried to breathe around the lump in my throat. Was this really it? Was she really saying no to me? After I'd explained and apologized and… this can't be happening! "No. I'm so sorry. I'm a horrible girlfriend, and you deserve so much better than me."

"But I want you! I don't want anyone else, buttercup! I can't explain it… it's like just knowing that you're there makes me calm and gives me hope. All week I've been two steps away from saying 'screw it' to everything! When you're here, I don't feel that way."

"But I'm never there, bunny. I can't be…" She moved away from me, but she couldn't hide. I could see in her eyes that she loved me.

"I don't care."

"I do. I should have known all those things you just told me, Nick. And I didn't. I am so wrapped up in my life that I can't pay attention to you. You deserve better than that."

"It'll get better, Rache. My tour will be done soon, and then we can spend more time together."

"What about until then? You go back to your life tomorrow night, and then this all starts over again. We don't have enough time to figure this out, Nick. I've got a few days off, and then I'm in Europe for weeks. That's going to drive you insane."

It would. I had to be honest, and I nodded at her. "But I can learn to deal with it."

"Why should you, though?"

"Because I love you!" She was being rational. I knew that. And all I had was 'I love you.' How lame. Like when you were a little kid and would get angry when your mom said the reason you had to eat all your veggies was 'because.' What kind of fucking reason was that?

But it was all I had, really.

"What if you don't? Seriously. If you cheated on me again, Nick, I don't think I could handle it. If we stop now, we can still be friends and maybe grow into more… one day. I don't know. I just know that if we keep going like this, this obsession is just going to get worse. I don't want to lose you."

"Then don't fucking push me away!"

She looked over at the flimsy curtain, and I just stared at her. I didn't care if the whole restaurant could hear me. She hadn't given me a chance to fight for her last time, and I'd be damned if I'd let that happen again!

She stood up, though, and I was powerless to stop her. She moved to her side of the table again, and I knew I was screwed. This wasn't ending in her laughing, naked in my bed and my being able to breathe again because I knew she loved me, was it?

"I'm not pushing you away, bunny. Just think about it, okay? You'll see that I'm right."

"Think about what? Losing you? That's supposed to be okay?"

"You aren't losing me," she reasoned, lifting up the last piece of salmon and holding it out for me. I ate it off her chopsticks, and she smiled at me, "We can still be friends. Isn't that okay?"

"No." I couldn't help pouting at her.

I would have gone on, but the stupid waiter interrupted us again. He looked nervous, and she smiled at him, acting like everything was okay, normal even. As fucking if!

"The chef suggests sake with the next course," he informed her, and she nodded, talking to him about kinds of sake as he cleared the plates. She giggled at one point, and I felt my jaw tighten. She was fucking flirting with the waiter?

"Did you follow the sake discussion, Nick?"

"I heard. I'm not fucking stupid, Rache. I just don't care about wine and shit."

What the hell? Two minutes ago he'd been okay. Well, okay might be a bit of an overstatement. But he'd not been the petulant little boy I saw in front of me now. The last time I'd seen him pout like this was when I first knew him. Now I knew it was because he wanted me so badly and I kept pushing him away. He pouted when he was nervous and angry.

It seemed like such a long time ago when we'd been just friends and I was too scared to think it could be anything more than a crush. Damn, this was so much more than that innocent crush, wasn't it?

That's what we needed to do… go back to being friends. Sex just confused everything, didn't it? Jeremy and I were better as friends. Okay, every so often that sex thing reared its ugly head. But for the most part, I was glad he was still my friend.

"I can explain it…" I started, but he shook his head, pretending great interest in his napkin, refolding it in his lap.

"Don't. Just…" He took a deep breath and finished his glass of wine. He reached for the bottle and lifted an eyebrow at me, and I put my hand over my glass. "More for me, then."

He filled his glass and drank about half of it. Okay, I guess I deserved the attitude. I'd just sat here and told him that I wasn't taking him back, didn't I?

Not that I didn't want to take him back. Far from it. Every impulse in my body wanted to knock everything off this table and fuck his brains out. But that wouldn't solve anything. That'd make us feel better for a few minutes, and then we'd be right back here wondering how to make this relationship work.

We just didn't have time. He had to be back to the fellas in a day and then we were off to London in less than a week. That wasn't enough time to figure this out. Lord knows that talking on the phone never helped us much. It just made us want each other more.

But maybe we could be friends and keep in touch. Then in a few weeks when his tour was over and I was back in the States, we could try again. That might work. Of course nothing would work if I couldn't get him to talk to me now.

We were quiet for a moment as I finished our bottle of wine. What was she thinking about over there…who she could pick up tomorrow night when I was finally gone and out of her life?

This was so fucked up. Friends? She was joking, right? I didn't want to be her friend - I wanted to lean her back against these pretty silk pillows and make love to her. I'd make her come like the other day… until she begged me to stop because she was so lightheaded she couldn't move.

Our waiter reappeared with a huge plate of something fried and a little decanter of sake and cups. "Rock shrimp tempura. It has a little spice, so the sake goes well."

"Thanks," I mumbled, hoping that I didn't look like I'd been crying. How embarrassing. Bad enough I had to face Sean in a little bit.

What the fuck? What did I care what the driver guy thought of me? He wasn't my friend. No, apparently just Rachel was my friend. I come here, do all this for her, and she fucking says we should be friends? That's not right!

She half-smiled at me as she popped one of the tempura shrimps into her mouth, and then her eyes widened. "Damn, these are really good, Nick. Try…"

"I'm not hungry."

She stopped for a second and just looked at me, and I saw… something in her eyes. What was that? Hurt? She ate another shrimp and then poured some sake, handing me a cup.

I lifted it to my lips and just the smell of the alcohol made my head spin. Okay, sake might be a good thing. I could get her drunk and then take her back to my room… and just how would that help things there, Nicky? She'd wake up in the morning and hate you because you tricked her into sex? That's smart.

"Did I tell you what Darien's doing with his first royalty check?"

He looked over at me, but his expression didn't change. Fuck. I couldn't just let him sit here and pout at me. He'd get over this and see that I was right about it.

"No. You got royalties?"

"Yeah. They didn't even include the second quarter or third… whatever quarter that we sold the most. They didn't include that. But apparently our debt to EMI is paid, and boy, is Amber kissing our asses now!"

"That won't last long. They always find some way to screw you," he sniffed, taking another sip of sake and glowering into his cup. "They always do."

"That's what we have Saffron for. It was so funny, Nick. We had this meeting with the accountants, and we were all freaking out over our checks… So, suddenly Saffron was making up a meeting to get everyone out, and then she laid into us."

"You never talk in front of the record company, Rachel!" Was that interest in his voice? Did he forget he was sulking?

"What?"

He shook his head and leaned closer to the table, "Mark my words, they will screw you. You think you're doing so good with the twenty percent or so they are so kind as to give you, but remember, they're getting the 80. For every buck you make, they make ten times that!"

"Yeah, but… those bucks add up, Nick. What did you do with your first royalties? Did you buy a car, even though you were too young to drive?"

He smiled at that, and I held up another shrimp to him. This time he ate it, licking his lips seductively. Fuck. He knew exactly what that did to me, didn't he? Yeah. He followed it with a smirk.

"Nah, that was AJ. I gave it to Mom and Dad. We were still in the Tampa house. It only had four bedrooms, and everyone had to share, so I told them to buy a bigger house."

"Wow. How old were you?"

He shrugged at me, "Dunno. 14 or something. Maybe 15 when the actual check came. There was all this red tape because the royalties were from European sales. I never really understood everything. Mom gave me spending money, and I was happy."

I smiled at him. I loved hearing him talk about his life. He'd grown up in such a different world than I did, it was fascinating. "And Lou was robbing you blind, right?"

"If you talk to Brian and Kevin, yeah." I raised an eyebrow at him, and he just shook his head, holding out a shrimp to me. I tried to pick it up from his chopsticks with mine, and it fell, making both of us laugh.

"I think you've had too much sake to eat with chopsticks, Rache," he teased, picking up a shrimp with his fingers and swirling it in the sauce before holding it out to me. Without thinking, I wrapped my lips around his fingers, sucking lightly as I pulled it out of his fingers. He gasped and then pulled his hand back, looking up at me hopefully.

Damn. If we were going to be friends, I had to stop flirting with him, huh?

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