Oreos for Breakfast: Nick BSB Fiction

Oreos for Breakfast - Chapter 22

By
The Paperbag Princess & The Pumpkin Coach

We were still for a second, and then I made myself pull out of her. My legs couldn't hold me up any longer. God, that was amazing. I tossed the condom aside and moved over her to collapse onto the bed. Oh, that was better. Where was Rachel? Still on the floor? She'd be more comfortable on the bed. "Come here," I told her, still trying to catch my breath.

I could breathe again. Rachel was here. I'd finally gotten to show her how much I loved her, and it was okay again. Now she would curl up against me, and I'd tell her how much I loved her and we'd fall asleep together, and maybe I'd get more than a couple of hours of sleep for the first time in days…

Why was she still on the floor? Did that last orgasm kill her? I mean, it was pretty fucking amazing…

"Rache?" I asked, and she stood up, swaying as she did so.

"Your way doesn't work, Nick."

"Bullshit. I counted at least two times it worked just fine." What the hell was she talking about?

But she started looking for her clothes, pulling them on when she found them in a pile next to the door. "I'm not doing this. I can't believe I let myself do this! Sex does not solve everything!"

"Don't run away, Rachel." Of course it doesn't solve everything. But it made us feel better!

"I'm not running! I'm leaving. There's a difference."

She started to open the door, and I was in front of her without even realizing how I got there. "You're not walking away from me again. No fucking way."

"Get out of my way, Nick," she said, glaring up at me, and I snapped.

"No. You are not leaving this fucking room!"

He grabbed my arms, pushing me against the wall. I struggled, but he was twice my size. "What are you going to do? Kidnap me?" I snarled. Fucking Neanderthal!

"Is that what it takes? Because I don't know what else to fucking do! I've done everything I can think of, Rachel! I came here, and I bought you presents, and I have told you a million times that I love you and I'm sorry, and I don't know what else to fucking do! I made one fucking stupid mistake. One! I slept with one groupie because I was mad at you, and I don't get to apologize? You get to ignore my phone calls and miss dates and put everything else in your fucking life ahead of me, and I'm the one who has to fucking grovel?"

He let me go, but I didn't move away from the wall, just looking at him. I couldn't move, trapped by his hurt, angry eyes. He was right, wasn't he?

"I did it, Rache. I've groveled. I've done everything I can think of to convince you that I love you and I won't ever cheat on you again. Tell me what else to do, and I'll do it. What do you want?"

I couldn't look at him any longer. I was a horrible person. What was I doing? Why did I keep telling him no? Was I getting off on seeing how far he'd go to win me back? Jeremy was so right. Maybe I only loved the drama.

"What do you want, buttercup?" he asked softly, all the anger gone from his voice in an instant, and I felt myself sliding down the wall to sit on the floor. I was so fucking tired.

"I want to sleep for a week," I admitted. "I want to be at home and not have to be a rock star for a while. I want to tell my dad that I've got a gold record, and see his smile when he tells me how cool that is."

Nick knelt down next to me, and I looked up into his eyes. "And I really want things to be good between us again, but I've fucked that up, haven't I? I'm sorry, I…"

He cupped my face in his hands, making me stop talking. "No, buttercup. It's okay. We'll be okay. We'll figure it out." He kissed me carefully, and I wrapped my arms around his neck, fighting back tears. I was so tired of crying.

"And you can sleep. Let me go for a second, and I'll walk you back to your room."

I shook my head against his chest. "Want to sleep here. I can't sleep without you, bunny."

"Alright," he whispered. "You can sleep here. Let's go to the bed, baby."

I moved away from him and he helped me up, leading me over to the bed and pulling back the covers. I was falling into bed with him, wasn't I? "I rate the bed now?" I asked, and he stopped moving for a second.

"I wasn't… it wasn't that…" he stuttered, and I shook my head, falling against the pillows.

"Never mind. I'm sorry. I'm just exhausted and overwrought, Nicky. What are you doing?"

He crawled into bed next to me, in a T-shirt and boxers. "Just to prove that I'm not going to ravish you in the middle of the night."

"Hey, clothes have never stopped you before," I said, remembering a night somewhere… I'd gone to bed in a T-shirt and woken up naked. Was that in Canada somewhere? I was too tired to figure it out. I snuggled up against him, sighing when he wrapped his arms around me. That was so nice. He would catch me when I crashed, because it had been a long fucking day.

"But you're so cute in these pjs," he teased, kissing the top of my head, and I smiled.

"They are very cute. Thank you. James and I enjoyed the chocolates."

"He hates me," Nick said quietly, his voice sad, and I shook my head.

"He told me I was being mean to you."

Nick was quiet for a moment, and then he pulled away, looking down at me. "What?"

"He said I wasn't happy not being with you, so I should be with you. Only it's not that easy, is it?"

His eyes met mine for a long moment, and he finally nodded. "I'm sorry. I fucked everything up, with… that… "

"No, bunny. If it was my way, we'd both be crying in our beds by now, and it would be all angst and drama for the next god knows how long. At least now we'll be able to sleep. We can figure out the rest in the morning."

I yawned, and he laughed at me. Pouting, I rolled over. "I've had a long day."

"I know," he soothed, pulling me into his arms, spooning against my back. That was nice… "You probably wanted to be in bed hours ago, and I screwed it up."

"You always mess up my plans. But sometimes that's cool, bunny. Can we talk more tomorrow? Have we talked enough tonight?"

"Yeah, buttercup," I told her, stroking her hair. "Go to sleep. Do you have to get up for anything?"

"Dunno," she said, yawning again. "Maybe. Late. Noon or something."

"Good. We both need to sleep."

I felt her nod, but she was breathing evenly within a few minutes. I was never going to sleep again. I couldn't believe she was laying here next to me, letting me touch her and hold her.

Then again, a few minutes ago, we were having crazy sex on the floor. So why was it amazing to me that now she was here?

We were really fucked up, weren't we? My head was spinning from everything that had happened in the last hour. What time did I hang up with Anna? Fuck, it probably wasn't even an hour ago. Maybe 30 minutes. At least now I wasn't crying on the phone to my best friend. I had Rachel back in my bed.

We had sex on the floor? What the hell was I thinking? It should have been sweet and romantic, with candles and a bubble bath, and all the things I'd been planning all day… instead I'd fucked her on the floor like she was some groupie.

I was so stupid. Jesus, I'd got angry and stupid and just fucked her, because I'd wanted her to stop fucking talking. And leaving. She kept leaving. That's why I'd yelled at her.

But it'd worked, hadn't it? What was up with that? Did she really want to be pushed around?

Uh… no. I somehow doubted that. But she'd told me about that time with Jeremy, after her dad died, when they'd had sex and it'd made her stop thinking… maybe that's what happened. She did tend to get overwrought, and I always went right there with her, and we needed to stop doing that.

I needed to remember that. The next time was angry, I needed to tell her. Not grab her and fuck her. I'd be better next time.

What the fuck was that noise?

I fumbled for the alarm, but I couldn't find the clock.

It wasn't ringing. It was…

"Rachel!" James yelled. "Get up!"

He was banging on the door. But it sounded far away…

"What the fuck is going on?" Nick asked through a yawn, and I burst into giggles. James was banging on my door...next door. I was surprised he hadn't tried Nick's room yet. He knew Nick had the room next to mine, didn't he? I rolled out of bed and pulled open the door.

"I bet Nick kidnapped her," Darien deadpanned, just as I stuck my head out into the hallway.

"Dudes, you should be glad that no one else is on this floor."

"I am!" Nick whined, joining me at the door.

"You so don't count," Jeremy informed him. But he was only teasing. I wasn't sure if Nick realized that, but I did. That was weird. Jeremy seemed to be okay with the fact that Nick was here… Nick had told me that Jeremy was the one that let him into the video yesterday. I needed more details about that. Was Jeremy just happy that he wasn't the only lousy boyfriend I'd ever had?

Yeah, Jeremy was still way worse that Nick. Nick had done it all, presents and flowers and groveling… Jeremy generally skipped to the wild sex.

That was what had worked with Nick last night, wasn't it? That was bad. I shouldn't have responded to that. Fuck.

"Why the panic?" I asked my boys. Better not to think about my fucked-up love life right now.

"It's noon," James informed me, and I just shrugged. Noon. We didn't have anything until the show, did we?

"We're leaving in 30 minutes, diva princess," Jeremy finished. "Remember? We pushed up everything last night?"

I sighed. "We did? I might not have been paying attention."

"See?" Darien protested, looking at Jeremy and James. "It wasn't just me! You're making this up to torture us, aren't you?"

"I have the written schedule in my room," James sighed. "And I bet there was one under your door this morning, but you ignored it, as usual…"

Darien rolled his eyes at me, and I giggled. James was way too organized sometimes. "So, you need to get ready," James went on, looking at me.

I sighed and looked back at Nick. "Are you coming tonight?"

"I guess…"

"Alright, I'll see you later."

And she left. She just left. She didn't even kiss me or hug me or… anything. I watched her walk away and couldn't make myself move to catch her.

Okay, we were in front of the guys and all, but… still.

I had no fucking idea what was going on. She went into her room, and the boys went with her. I saw James bend down and pick up the schedule, waving it at her, saying something about 'if you'd slept in your own room last night…' and then the door shut behind them.

I went back into my room and fell onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling. Did she not want them to know we were back together? Not that I really knew if we were back together. I wasn't sure if she did, either. Maybe I should wait until the guys left and then call her.

Or I might get yelled at for interrupting her when she had some place to be.

Fuck. I had no idea what to do. None.

My cell rang, and I rolled off the bed, looking for it. Maybe it was Rachel, telling me she wanted me to come over and help her get ready. I loved sitting on the bed while she tried on every outfit she owned. She never took my advice, but that was okay. I just liked hanging out with her and laughing over clothes fuck.

"Hey," I answered.

"Nicky! You stud!" Vinnie crowed, and I fell back onto the bed. I shouldn't have answered the phone. I shouldn't be talking to him in the mood I was in.

"What?" I had to ask. Did he know where I was?

"My stepmom just brought home the tabloids. You are the man, you sex addict, you."

"I think you were gettin' more than I was, dude." Did that stupid article ever mention him by name?

"Don't tell my parents that," he laughed. "I told them I had no idea what other friends would have been doing those things with you."

That sucked. He was always doing this. He'd come up with the crazy ideas, and I had to pay for it. He got the sex, and the girls, and the drugs, and I got my name in the fucking Star. "Lucky you," I muttered. "My name was in it, so my whole family has to hear about it."

"Whatever, dude. They won't believe it. Step-monster didn't. She said it was awful the things people will make up to get in the papers. She thinks you are pure as the driven snow."

Hopefully my mom thought the same thing… she did tend to think I was innocent and shit. Funny, she hadn't called yesterday. Had she not seen the article?

Then again, I'd ignored my phone most of the day. I should check my messages.

"Where are you, Mr. Sex Addict? Tony talked to Anna, and she had some crazy story that you were stalking that Rachel chick."

Ooh, Anna. I needed to call her. She'd help me figure out what the hell was going on. "Well… sorta."

"Dude! What are you doing that for? You should…"

"Shut up, Vin. Really. Don't give me advice on girls, okay? It didn't work. Pretending you don't care only works if you really don't care. And I care about Rachel."

Vinnie was quiet for a second. "You didn't have to take my advice. What the hell do I know? The last steady girl I had was Anna. Then again, she's enough to fuck any guy up forever. She…"

I had to interrupt him again. Sometimes it was funny to talk with Vinnie about Anna, but not today. She'd done too much for me lately for me to listen to him trash her. "She's been really sweet to me lately. I think some guy will be really lucky to have her someday."

That really shut Vinnie up for a minute. "You are no fun today, dude."

"I'm tired, man. Look, I'll call you later, okay?"

"Fine. Be in a better mood."

"Whatever."

I clicked off with him and dialed Anna. She answered on the second ring. "Nicky! Tell me everything! Are you alone?"

"Yeah. I have no fucking idea what's going on, Anna."

"Tell me all about it, baby. We'll figure it out."

Did I honestly have a full day until the show tonight? And fuck, after that, we had that stupid gold party EMI was throwing for us. No time to catch a nap, and certainly no time to see Nick.

What the hell was going on? What the fuck had happened to us last night? Maybe my way didn't work, but it wasn't this fucking confusing. It was just angst and drama. I understood angst and drama.

Hell, I understood angry sex, too. But that was with Jeremy, and I wasn't doing that again. Nick knew that, right?

He wasn't taking advice from Jeremy, was he?

I shuddered, considering what the conversation yesterday must have been like, Jeremy leaning against the wall and smiling with Nick, "Yeah, man, just throw her on the floor and fuck her brains out. It'll be better then." Great…

No, neither one of them would do that to me. Hell, Jeremy knew that didn't work anymore. That's why we broke up, when I stopped letting him do that to end an argument.

And I'd slept with Nick last night, but he knew that didn't mean that all was forgiven. Right? I'd said we still had to talk in the morning.

Fuck…

Well, I didn't have time to think about this now. I needed to find something to wear. I glared at my closet, letting the towel I was wearing fall to the floor. I was sick of all these clothes. I'd been wearing them for months, and most of them were dirty now. Lola was good at getting our laundry done, but for the last couple weeks, I'd just kept thinking I'd be home soon and I hadn't bothered. Now I was left with three pairs of underwear and… um…

The leather pants? I was so sick of those. And…

Fuck, I had press all day, and soundcheck, and a huge fucking meet and greet before the show, and the show, and the party after the show and… I just wanted to stop. This time tomorrow, I'd be on a plane home, and I couldn't wait. I needed to be home, in my bed, with my cat curled up at my feet while I slept for two days straight. Then I'd be better. Then I could deal with Nick.

Could he wait that long? I didn't want to put him off forever, but I was so tired, and…

I fell back on the bed, sighing up at the ceiling. I had to do something. I needed to talk to him and figure this out. Maybe after the show? Maybe I could talk really quick for all the press and buy myself an hour before the show.

The room phone rang and I jumped a mile. "What?"

"Ten minutes, babe," Lola told me.

"I have nothing to wear!" I whined, and she laughed at me.

"Wear jeans for the press stuff. I'll see what I can do for the show. I bet I can get some of the stuff they wanted you to wear in the video."

"That all sucked," I pouted.

"Jeans and a T-shirt. Stop fussing. Get through today and you get nine days all to yourself."

Lola never indulged my tantrums. Boys were much easier to manipulate. I stuck my tongue out at the phone and hung up. Fine. I pulled on jeans and a plain black T-shirt. Fuck the wanton sex goddess image. It was all print media today, right? I didn't need to look good.

"So, are you ever coming back?"

AJ. Yeah, that was who I wanted to hear from right now. I'd left two messages for Rachel, and she still hadn't called me back. Nothing had fucking changed.

"Maybe," I told him.

"When?"

"I dunno. Tomorrow."

"When?" he asked again. "Because we've got press, and we need to know if we're covering for you or not."

"Fine. Yeah. I'll be there. Noon?" I could probably get an early flight tomorrow morning. Fuck, maybe I'd just leave tonight.

"Hmm… things not going well?"

"I have no idea, Alex," I admitted. Even Anna didn't know. She thought the fact that Rachel had slept with me last night was promising, but the way she'd blown me off this morning meant she was having second thoughts.

I needed Anna to tell me that? I'd figured that much out on my own.

"I find that jewelry works wonders."

"Did that."

"Oh. Groveling? Sex? Ooh, a nice dinner, where you get a chance to talk."

"All of the above," I sighed. "And last night, I sorta thought we were okay, but this morning… I dunno. It's weird. And I haven't heard from her all day."

"Today's the last show of her tour, right?"

"Yeah."

"She might be busy, Nicky."

I scowled at the phone. I was surrounded by good advice today, wasn't I? "I know," I grumbled, making him laugh.

"Kidnap her and bring her to Vancouver. We've been enjoying the hotel. Great spa."

I should have just stayed in Vancouver and gotten a massage.

Yeah, I would have ended up killing someone, probably. No, it was better that I'd tried.

"She'll hate that. She's exhausted. She needs to go home."

"Well, there's the phone. You're gonna work this out, Nicky. You two are great together, and she knows that, deep down."

Sober AJ was weird. Was this the same guy who'd told me to give up on her earlier this summer?

"Look at me and Sarah. We…"

Whatever. AJ and Sarah. I was so fucking sick of AJ and Sarah. I let him go on. I didn't have anything better to do.

"You answered!"

I felt myself smile at the phone. It was good to hear Nick's voice. Maybe I wasn't sure what was happening with us, but he wasn't a member of the fucking press.

"Yeah, I've got a minute. Searching for something to wear to the show. Lola found this cool store a block away from the venue, so James and I are looking around." James held up a Union Jack tank top to me, and I just shook my head. Was he smoking crack?

"Yeah, about that… do you still want me to come?"

Of course I did!

But… maybe he needed to get back to the band. Or maybe he was tired of sitting around waiting for me to figure my life out. I didn't blame him. All afternoon, whenever I'd had a free moment, I'd been trying to figure out what I wanted, and I wasn't getting any closer to an answer. Other than Nick, but it wasn't going to be that easy, was it?

"Do you want to?"

"Do you want me to?"

I motioned to James and left the store. That was better. I was surrounded by hipness in there, and it was overwhelming.

"Yeah, I want you to come tonight, Nick. It's the last show of the tour, and you've been around for the whole thing. It would mean a lot to me."

He was quiet for a second, but he didn't sound quite so annoyed when he answered me. "Okay. I have an early flight tomorrow, though."

"Oh." Of course he did. He'd just walked out on his life to be here with me. He had responsibilities, things to do, groupies to fuck…

I had to stop this!

"Okay," I told him. "I understand. But… EMI is throwing us a big party after. It'll probably suck. But… it would be nice if you'd come. Even for just a little while. We're getting our gold records." I really wanted him there. Ever since I'd found out about the gold record, I'd wanted to tell two people - my dad and Nick.

"Maybe. I'm not sure if I have anything to wear. I didn't pack much."

I smiled at the phone. He was bad at real life stuff. "I'm shopping. I'll find you something."

"Oh, God," he groaned, teasing. "I might be scared."

"You should take my fashion advice! Or, more accurately, James'. He's good at his stuff."

"He's gonna make me gay…"

"Not possible, darling. I'll send something to the hotel. Now, let me go and find you something fabulous."

"If it sucks, I am not going to this party!"

I giggled at him. "It's the gold party. I am so getting you a gold lamé suit."

"And I won't go!"

"I have ways of making you bend to my will…" I flirted, rewarded with my favorite chuckle.

"Well… it might be worth it, then…"

James came out, thrusting a shirt at me. "We only have twenty minutes, and you haven't tried anything on!"

"Yes, dear. We need to find something for Nick, too."

His face lit up, and he went back into the store, muttering something to himself.

"James is on the case," I informed Nick. "He looks like a kid at Christmas."

"I am so scared…"

"Oh, stop!" I giggled. "I'll see you at the show, okay?"

"Okay. No country ballads, please?" he pleaded, and I had to smile.

"Don't worry, the boys won't let me. See you soon."

I contemplated the outfit laid out on my bed and smiled. Was this James or Rachel's idea? I had to thank one of them. The jeans were definitely Rachel. Button fly, faded in all the right places… I wanted to feel her hands on me when I wore these. She liked me in denim. And a brown suede shirt.

Okay, this had to be Rachel's doing. She liked suede. She liked to touch it. Maybe she'd be touching me when I wore this. She could definitely fondle the shoes, too, because they were the coolest sneakers I'd ever seen, blue suede with a darker swoosh. Pumas. Rachel liked sneakers… trainers, she called them, because they were different in England or something. Guess these were cool enough.

Yeah… Rachel picked out my outfit. This had to be good. It had to be. It was denim and suede, and she liked touching those things, so then she'd like touching me, right? But then… she hated brown. Was she trying to tell me something?

Maybe I needed to stop overanalyzing everything. It was just a fucking outfit!

But then I started overanalyzing again when I got to the venue and went backstage to find her nowhere. Various people were milling around, but the band was out of sight.

"Nick!" I heard behind me, and I turned at the familiar voice.

The guy looked familiar, but… "Sean!" Man, he looked really different out of uniform, his hair down around his shoulders and dressed in baggy surfer shorts and T-shirt. Was I overdressed? What was Sean doing here? I was sorta annoyed when he hadn't driven me over here, but he'd pulled a double yesterday, right?

He answered my question before I asked it. "Rachel gave me passes. Nick, this is Valerie, my girlfriend. Val, honey, this is Nick Carter."

She was cute, tall, with blond hair and a great smile. She looked like a surfer. Sean said he surfed, right? "Dude, I thought you were making it up!" she teased, elbowing him in the ribs before she turned to me. "Sorry, he tends to make up stories. So, how did the night end?"

Sean gave her a look that obviously said 'I am not supposed to talk about clients, so shut up!' and I just laughed. Hell, I was in the tabloids as a sex addict; if one guy told his girlfriend that I was a lovesick idiot, who cared?

"Weird," I admitted. "But she wanted me to come, so here I am…"

"I would have forgiven you for something in a pretty blue Tiffany's box," she told me, shooting Sean a look, and he sighed.

"Yeah, but you're easy."

She moved to slug him, and I had to laugh. They were cute. Rachel and I had been cute once, right? We used to tease each other like that and have in-jokes and… I really wanted that again. Valerie stumbled into me as she ran away from Sean, and I caught her, laughing.

Who was that blond in his arms? Christ, he's backstage at my fucking show, and he finds a girl to pick up? How…

The girl moved away from him, giving someone else a kiss, and I turned away before he saw me. That'd been so fucking stupid. I hated being jealous, but it felt like all I could do lately. I was jealous of the girl in the tabloid article; I was jealous when he told me he'd fucked that skank in Minneapolis; I was jealous of the girls I imagined he'd been with while we were apart.

Nick loved me. Hadn't he proven that enough in the last 24 hours? So why was I acting like this? We'd never get anywhere if I couldn't trust him again.

The girl laughed at something Nick said, and I went over to them. His face lit up when he saw me, and I told my stupid jealous side to shut up. He loved me. No one else. Just me. "Rache!" he cried, holding out a hand to me… but he dropped it as I came closer, obviously unsure if he could touch me or not.

I wasn't sure about that, either. Could I stand next to him and not touch him?

I grabbed a beer as I joined them. That would solve the problem of what to do with my hands, right? "Nice shirt," I told him. If this were a normal day, I'd run my fingers over it, but I restrained myself. I'd felt up the shirt enough at the store this afternoon. It was soft, and I'd just known he'd look hot in it. I was right, too. I glanced down and saw that he was wearing the trainers, too. James and I had guessed at the size. I had, uh, other things to compare it to.

Nick just grinned at me, and then he turned to his new friends. "Rache, you remember Sean from last night…" Sean! The driver guy! This must be his girlfriend. He'd told me his girlfriend loved us, so I'd sent him two passes.

What the hell was her name? Because I was so glad to know she was taken that I'd lost track of what Nick was saying.

"Valerie," I said, shaking her hand. "I've heard a lot about you." Please let that be right…

She might not care. I didn't think she was listening to me. She didn't let go of my hand as she told me how much she loved me, and the band. She went on and on, telling me how she'd been into us for years. I just smiled at her, not even trying to talk. I heard this a lot more often lately, but I hadn't gotten bored of it yet.

"Val, baby, take a breath," Sean said, taking her hand out of mine. "I think Rachel might need that hand later."

No, that was good. She'd had one hand and I had my beer in the other, and that'd left me without a free hand to touch Nick. That was fine!

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said, blushing. "I just… um…"

"It's okay," I told her. "Actually, it's wonderful. It's amazing to me that anyone can goon out over me the way I goon out over some people."

"I can't imagine you ever gooning out," she said, shaking her head. Nick laughed at the same time I did, and we exchanged a look.

"Oh, let Nick tell you the story of the Duran billboard in Chicago," I offered, just as Lola joined us.

"He can do that on the way to his seat," she ordered. "You need to be on stage in five minutes."

Already? Shit.

Lola hustled them away, and Nick just waved as he walked away.

I sorta wanted a kiss… he always kissed me for luck when he was there for a show.

I always kissed her for luck before a show. That was weird, being next to her and not touching her. She might have wanted to kiss me, but I wasn't sure.

I was getting really sick of this. I needed to ask her after the show what the hell was going on, because I was just tired of trying to figure it out.

Valerie shrieked in my ear when the lights went down, and I cracked up. I was usually the biggest Sudden Silence fan in the VIP area. Hell, I was usually the only one in VIP. Okay, me and the guys from Tsar… I hadn't had a chance to talk to them yet. I'd seen Daniel after their set, but he was busy talking to people. They were from LA, after all. I looked over and they were surrounded by what looked like friend and family members. Actually, it was sorta crowded up here in the VIP area… this might be fun.

It was fun. The band was great, their normal silly selves, talking a lot about this being the last show of the tour. I caught a few dropped notes and mistakes, but they were tired. I'm sure I was the only one who noticed because I'd seen them so many times.

When they came back for the encore, Jeremy stepped up to his mic. "And now, as a special treat, we've got a new song."

Shit. Not one of the breakup songs. Please.

"We do?" Rachel asked him, getting laughs from the crowd. "The country one, right?" The crowd laughed again, thinking it was a joke. But I knew it wasn't.

Okay, half the audience knew it wasn't, because most of them were at the video shoot yesterday.

"No, the mean one," he said back.

Was she trying to tell me something? I just watched her, waiting to see if she'd look up here. She knew I was here this time.

But it's not beneath me to appreciate
The mean streak that's inside me when it's
So hard to miss you the way that I do
I just want to kiss you
Do you miss me?
Do you miss me too?

That wasn't so bad, was it?

I had no fucking idea any longer. Really.

Especially when Saffron tapped me on the shoulder a second later. "This is the last song. If you want to go with her back to the hotel, you need to come with me."

"I thought we were going to the party." Was this the big blow off?

"The party's at the hotel. C'mon, she told Lola she wanted you in her car."

So I followed her, waving at Sean and Valerie. Valerie was still rocking out, and I don't think she noticed me leaving. But Sean gave me a thumbs up, and I just laughed. Sean was cool.

Saffron led me to a limo, and I crawled inside. She'd said 'her car'. There was another limo behind this one. Did that mean Rachel had one and the boys got another?

No, it was probably Rachel and James in one. They were definitely moving up, if they got two limos.

Saffron lied. That was so not the last song. It was fifteen minutes before Rachel got in the car, yelling something over her shoulder as she shut the door. "I am so glad I got my own car," she told me. "After that disaster, Jeremy would be all over me right now."

"Disaster? Are you kidding? It was great, Rache!"

She glared at me, looking at me over the towel she was using to wipe her face. "It sucked. I was late on the first three songs, and then James started. Even Darien fucked up a few times, and that never happens!"

"No one even noticed," I told her sincerely. "You guys are tired. So you made a couple of mistakes."

"So you did notice," she snapped, taking a breath to yell at me.

But I cut her off, raising my voice probably too much, but I didn't want to fight with her. Not over this. "It was great, Rachel, and I'm tired of fighting with you. We have better things to fight about than whether you weren't absolutely perfect tonight when everyone in that club loved you and had a great time!"

I knew she was exhausted. I knew that. But I was still sick of her moods.

He sighed and looked out the window. How fucked up was this? I'd wanted him in my car because I wanted a chance to talk to him, and instead I'd picked a fight. I sucked.

How could I miss him this much when he was sitting right next to me?

"Is this thing gonna go late?" he wondered, and I turned from contemplating the incredibly interesting highway.

"I have no idea. It was all Amber's idea, so it'll probably be lame. But then we thought we'd try to go to Roscoe's at some point…"

His expression was so funny. He looked excited by the thought of Roscoe's, and then he remembered he shouldn't be, and then he just turned away. "I have to get some sleep. I have an early flight."

"Could you take a later one?" Vancouver wasn't a long flight from L.A. I'd looked it up. Not even three hours, he could leave mid-afternoon, right? I could push back my flight home, and that would give us a chance to talk. Tomorrow. After I'd had a chance to sleep and stop being so angry about everything. Maybe.

"They want me back by noon. I've got press to do."

"Oh."

Don't go. Please don't go.

It was so unfair for me to even be thinking that. I was the one pushing him away, and now I didn't want him to leave.

"Could I come with you?"

I turned to look at her. "What?"

"Can I come with you?" she asked, nervous. "I mean… I don't… I don't know what's going on, Nick, but it's not going to fix itself if we're not together. I'm off until my flight on the ninth. I have to go home sometime before then, if just to do laundry and pack warmer clothes, but I could spend some time with you."

"Do you want to?"

"Of course I do!" she yelled, and I believed her. She wanted to be with me! I finally knew what the hell was going on!

She cupped my face in her hands and kissed me, and I knew she meant it then. Sighing my name, she rested her forehead against mine.

"I should probably have my own room," she whispered, and I kissed her lightly.

"I'll upgrade to the two bedroom suite," I assured her. "That way I'll be there if you, uh, need anything."

She smiled, moving away from me. "I like that. So I can come?"

"Of course! I want you to come. Please."

"I promise I'll try to be less of a bitch. I just need to make it through this party, and then I can relax."

"I know you really wanted to go home…" I started, but she shook her head.

"I wouldn't be able to be happy until we figure this out. I want us to have fun again."

I smiled at her. "We can do that. This party could be fun."

"If only to make fun of."

"Exactly!" We shared a smile, and she let me put my arm around her. That was good, having her resting against me like this. I felt better than I had in weeks. Even when we'd been in the middle of sex last night, I hadn't felt close to her like this.

We were quiet for a moment, and I hummed her new song without even thinking about it.

"Sorry… Jeremy introduced it and I just about died. I didn't want you to think..."

"What?"

She looked up at me, "I don't know. Just that it meant anything. I mean… it does, but not…"

"Shhh…" I stopped her. I didn't want to start talking again. She was coming with me tomorrow, and we'd have time on my bus to talk and figure this all out. Right now I just wanted to be close to her and feel the way we did before. Even if it was an illusion, I wanted it for a few hours.

I leaned down and kissed her forehead tenderly. "I missed you, too, buttercup."

Chapter added 10.23.03

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