Oreos for Breakfast: Nick BSB Fiction

Oreos for Breakfast - Chapter 24

By
The Paperbag Princess & The Pumpkin Coach

NOTE: The visual A.D.I.D.A.S. precedes Chapter 24

I stood by the side of the stage and just stared at her as they launched into their second song. The crowd knew it immediately, and thousands of people started singing along with her. She just beamed out at the crowd, only taking her eyes off of them for a second to catch James' eye and smile.

She was smiling. There was a moment today when we were wandering around what used to be the World Trade Center when I didn't think I'd see that smile again before she left. On 9/11, I'd heard her heart breaking, but today I saw it. I thought I'd seen it that night in the hotel when she'd found out about Daria - or was it Danielle? Whatever. I'd thought that'd been her heart breaking, but it wasn't.

No. Seeing the devastation and the emptiness this afternoon. That was her heart breaking. Imagine a dad mood times 20, 50, 100… that might come close.

At first I'd thought she wasn't feeling anything, she was so quiet. Just standing there and not touching me. Not looking at me and not saying anything. But she'd been overwhelmed. Finally, she'd reached out for me and collapsed against me, crying and telling me about all the times she'd been here. I didn't know what to say.

I didn't know how I felt. Just sort of numb… like a stupid boy because I couldn't do anything to help her. I'd never known tragedy, not really. I'd never had someone close to me die - hell, both sets of my grandparents were even still alive! Sure, Mom and Dad fought and threatened to divorce once or twice… but that was nothing compared to this or losing your parent.

Thank God her band had been around this afternoon. Seeing Michael was even better. We'd sat around my room and they'd all talked about things they'd used to do, and Michael had told his story of 9/11. Fuck, that was… I didn't know anyone else who'd actually been in the Towers and had to get out. Listening to him, I knew absolutely that it was a miracle that so many people had survived. It just seemed impossible that someone could get out of a building that was crumbling around them, while thousands of people panicked.

Michael hadn't panicked, though. Rachel had told me once when we talked about it that she was sure that he was one of those guys that helped everyone else out, and she was right. He'd organized his co-workers and found the best ways out of the building and they hadn't lost anyone from his department. Too many people from his company had been on higher floors, but most of the people he worked with every day were okay.

But he was going to be laid off any minute, because his company had to downsize now. He seemed pretty okay with that, I think. By the end of the conversation, Sudden Silence was hiring him as their accountant, I think. I wasn't sure. But they'd exchanged numbers and business cards, and then we'd had to come here. Michael and his boyfriend were going to watch on TV, even though James had offered to try and get them tickets.

Could the whole world see Rachel's smile on TV? It was even a real, genuine smile. I wanted to rush on stage and grab her, feeling her giggle as I picked her up and held her body close to mine.

What the hell was he grinning at? I looked over my shoulder as Jeremy took his line, and Nick was standing there, staring at us and grinning like… I don't know what.

Was it the fact that I was on stage? No, I couldn't go there. But damn, his little fantasy the other night had been so hot. I kept replaying it in my mind … shit. I had to pay attention here! I can't be having sex thoughts now! Not during this song!

I turned back to my mic and belted out our harmony line. I didn't even know if anyone could hear us, they were singing along so loud. Was someone getting this on tape? I hoped so, because this was amazing. All day I'd been so sad… just… heartbroken really. Seeing it all made it all so terribly real. I'd had to call my mom like five times, just to hear her voice to reassure myself that they were okay. It was just inconceivable that anyone would ever be okay again.

I could not have lived here over the past month. No way. I couldn't have had to walk by that every day and be reminded. We had the luxury of being on tour. We could stop thinking about it, as if we had stolen moments away from the grim reality that was life in New York City now. I had no idea how Michael did it. It'd been so amazing, seeing him today.

I looked out at the men and women on the floor, and my heart felt like it would burst with pride. Someone out there had saved Michael. Someone out there had saved Tricia, who'd worked on the tenth floor. She'd been in my Intro to Accounting class at college, and we'd shared notes when one of us had to skip class. James had run into her when they were at Ground Zero today and she'd asked about me. Of all the things she could want to talk about… one was me? That blew my mind.

But here were all the heroes and they'd come to see us. Well, not us maybe… but everyone sharing this stage tonight. Maybe I couldn't give the Red Cross a million dollars yet, but I could stand here and sing a couple songs and let them forget about the last month. If only for a few hours.

Before I knew it, our short set was over. Jeremy screamed goodnight into the mic, and James yelled, "Thank you," before grabbing my hand and pulling me along with him. I turned around quickly and waved back at the crowd, not wanting our time to be over quite yet.

She was grinning ear to ear, and I grabbed her into my arms, lifting her up off the ground and she giggled, just like I knew she would. Squirming, she tried to get away, but only half-heartedly. When I set her down, she wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me down to her lips. I could feel her heart racing against my chest as she sighed into my mouth.

"I love you," I whispered, nuzzling her neck as she held onto me for a moment longer.

We both knew there were probably cameras and media people two feet away. Probably not smart to start making out here by the side of the stage, huh?

Indeed, I heard a camera click, and we flew apart. But we both laughed when we realized it was only Em.

It was Em? Oh , right… we'd been late getting here, and neither Rachel or I had thought to look for her.

"Emmie!" Rachel cooed, pulling her friend into a hug before I could grab her back to me. She was completely dwarfed by Em, though, and I nearly lost her as they hugged and whispered to one another.

"Hey! She's mine!" I whined, as they finally quit hugging. That made them both laugh, and Rachel wrapped her hand in mine, pulling me closer. That was nice. Now that their set was over, I knew time was going to jump by at twice its normal speed. They had to leave before the end of the show, and I could just feel the minutes ticking away as we stood here.

"That's right, baby."

"You two are gross, you know that? This whole new love thing should be worn off by now! I thought he was bad just because he was missing you. But you're right in front of him, and he still has the punch drunk love look on his face!"

Rachel beamed at me, stepping up on her tiptoes to give me a peck on the cheek, "Yeah, I prefer them that way! Never had that before. I needed a man to worship me!"

"Say the word, babe," someone quipped, and we turned toward the voice.

Fuck me.

Suddenly I was 10 again. Scratch that, 12. Yeah, I was 12 again. Trapped in my room with pictures of rock stars all over my walls.

"Oh my god, I love you!" It was out of my mouth before I could think to close it.

He smiled at me. God, he had such a beautiful smile. Wonderful, tiny laugh line around his eyes and the most perfect teeth, his hair falling in his eyes just right. How the hell did he do that? "I'm Jon, by the way."

He extended his hand to Nick, who just laughed and shook it. "I think my girl has a crush on you, man."

"Yeah, that happens. My girls have a crush on you. Be careful back here. They can scream in this pitch that will make your ears bleed."

We all laughed, and Nick moved away so I could shake Jon Bon Jovi's hand. Oh my god! I was touching him. I was barely keeping it together, and I caught Nick smirking at me.

"Great set, Rachel. I love the cover. Clever."

"Well, we don't have a rock anthem of our own to play, you know."

"Not yet." He looked over at Nick, "So, man, say hello to my girls? I'll tape their mouths shut first."

"Sure."

And we were following Jon fuckin' Bon Jovi down the hallway to meet his family. Patrick was going to kill me. The only reason I loved Bon Jovi was because Patrick loved them first. I had to get an autograph for him.

Jon found his daughter and introduced her to Nick, and she couldn't speak. Shouldn't the daughter of Jon Bon fucking Jovi be immune to star worship? Could this night get any more surreal?

Okay, careful what you wish for. An hour later James was sitting at the backstage bar talking to Elton John, and Jeremy was trading music trivia with David Bowie. I couldn't bring myself to talk to Bowie. That was just wrong. But there was Jeremy arguing the finer points of glam rock with the man!

And I was standing here alone. What was wrong with this picture? Shouldn't I be chatting up Paul McCartney or fending off Roger Daltrey's advances? As if! I looked around the room and caught Nick's eye. He looked so good in a suit. Even if it was a size too big. Just what did I have to do to rid him of that habit? Maybe after I got back from Europe I'd take him shopping. There had to be stores in the Keys, right? Maybe we'd find him a nice, tailored suit to wear to the family Christmas party.

Damn, there I go again… getting ahead of myself. Maybe we'd get sick of each other after being together for a whole three weeks. Maybe I wouldn't even make it to Japan, let alone Christmas. Sure, he was enthralled now, but I was a good distraction from the tour and all that was not well with Backstreet. Even last night I could see the fractures in the group. They joked and teased, but sometimes it seemed like more than just your standard boys' teasing and joking.

Suddenly I felt Nick's arms around me and his voice in my ear. "Stop it, buttercup."

I turned in his arms and hugged him tight. "I love you, Nick. Really."

I felt him stiffen for a moment and then he hugged me back, kissing my cheek. "I know, baby. I didn't doubt it for a second."

He didn't? Why not? I did, all the time. How the hell could I love this man? He was too young and he'd already cheated on me once…

His finger under my chin, he made me look up at him, and I blinked back tears, "Shhhh… baby, it's okay. You're just overwhelmed. Let's find a quiet corner, and you can cry for a minute, okay?"

How could he know me so well in such a short period of time? Not even Jeremy understood my moods as well as he did. He knew that everything was just spilling over, didn't he? I felt like a tea pot that was just about to start whistling… in 10 seconds I wouldn't be able to do anything but sob.

I had half a minute and, I was going to lose her, wasn't I? I remembered that look from this afternoon. I'd thought she was just tired or angry with me for something, but I'd touched her shoulder and suddenly she was in my arms, sobbing and gasping for breath. Like a dam had burst or something. It was scary.

I found an empty dressing room and pulled the door shut behind us. "Rache," I started but she cut me off, pulling me into her arms and kissing me madly. Or maybe she'd just attack me instead of sobbing? That was… weird. I pulled away gently, and she grabbed my face in her hands, bringing me down to her level again. "No…"

"No?"

I shook my head, sitting down on the couch near us and pulling her onto my lap. She pouted down at me, and I had to smile. Running my thumb over her bottom lip, I tried to think of something to say. But nothing came to me. I didn't want her to start crying again. Truth be told, I'd be happy to just sit here and make out with her. Those feelings were way better than the ones I'd been having earlier. Feeling like a helpless kid who didn't know anything.

"Sex won't make this better, Rache. Talk to me?"

Biting her bottom lip, she stared at her hands for a moment, picking at her nail polish and avoiding my stare. "I'm so tired of talking, Nick. And feeling and being sad. I'm sad when I'm with you because I know I just have to leave again, and I'm sad when I leave because I miss you."

"I know, baby, but soon it'll be over. We'll have a few weeks together and then Japan. You're looking forward to that, aren't you?"

She nodded, but I could feel her not saying… something.

"Rache… today you scared me, but I knew you were just feeling it all for the first time, right? That's all this is?"

She shrugged but didn't offer anything else, and I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. It felt like the night of the VMAs all over again, when she'd been over-tired and strung out. She'd told me that maybe it all wasn't worth it… oh shit…

"Rachel!" I shouted, and she jumped, my voice startling her. "Buttercup, stop it. You're scaring me for real now. We're okay. I love you. Whatever it is… it's worth it because I love you, Rache."

She just looked at me for a moment, and then her face softened and she leaned her head on my shoulder, letting me hold her. "I'm so tired, Nick. Tonight is just amazing, and here I am being over-emotional and stupid. I'm sorry."

"Shh… it's okay, baby. You're strung out because you came all that way to see me yesterday. You should have come here and gotten a good night's sleep."

She shook her head and held onto me tighter, "No. Seeing you yesterday was amazing. And being here tonight is amazing. It's just… Jeremy is debating music with David freaking Bowie! Bon Jovi said he thought I was hot! This is not my beautiful life, Nick!"

I had to laugh at her. "Yeah it is, Rache. All those people out there love you! How cool is that? You could go out there and walk up to Paul McCartney, and I bet he'd tell you he was a fan. Surreal, huh?"

"That's just was I was thinking earlier. Totally surreal. Does all this stop?"

"What?"

She motioned to the door. "This… being overwhelmed and seeing people who you idolized as a kid… I mean, we were at the VMAs and stuff, but this is just so weird, Nicky."

I just kissed her again. It was weird. But it was a good kind of weird now that my Rachel was back.

Backstreet went into a huddle to discuss their upcoming performance, and I found a seat, grabbing a bottle of water off the craft services table. We needed to be on a plane in about two hours, and I was too tired for alcohol.

Everyone was talking to someone back here, but I wasn't up for any more star-gazing right now. Where was the family that just got introduced to Backstreet? They'd lost their dad, a firefighter who did something amazing and probably saved a hundred lives. They were introducing Backstreet on stage, and I could tell it was because the girl loved them. She'd been quiet when they talked to her, overwhelmed and shocked that now her posters were actually speaking to her. I knew that look… it was sweet.

Glancing around the room, I found them talking to Jon. The little brother was talking away like nine-year-olds can, but the girl, a few years older, was hanging on to her mom, looking down at the ground. She wasn't crying, but I could tell from here how unhappy she was.

I knew that look. Everyone around her was happy, but she couldn't stop being sad. She wanted someone who wasn't there. That was a dad mood. I'd seen that look on my own face more times that I could stand.

Her mom was smiling at Jon, but it didn't reach her eyes. She was stroking the girl's hair, looking a little helpless. I'd seen that look on my own mom's face, and Nick's, and James', and just about everyone I knew. Damn.

I had to try, right? I had to say something, or I'd never forgive myself. I went over to them, smiling when Jon gave me that trademark grin. "Hello, gorgeous," he said.

"Hi," I answered, looking at the family. "I wanted to meet your new friends."

"This is Connor, talking my ear off. And Barbara, and their lovely mother is Colleen."

I shook Colleen's hand and smiled at Connor. "Good name," I told him, and he grinned at me.

"You're Rachel Connor!" he exclaimed. "B, look!"

She managed to look up at me and gave me a weak smile. "Hi," she whispered.

She broke my heart. I kneeled down to look into her pretty, blue eyes. "Hi, Barbara. I saw you over there, and I just had to come and talk to you for a minute. I think I know how you feel."

Shrugging, she looked away from my eyes, but I went on. "You should be happy, but you just can't be, right? Because you miss your dad so much it just makes everything else suck. Even meeting the Backstreet Boys isn't good enough."

Her head snapped around in surprise at my words, but she still didn't say anything. "That's a pretty cool thing," I teased a little. "Would he have teased you for being so excited?"

"No," she whispered. "He liked them. He always let me listen to their CD's in the car, and he took me and my friends to their show just before…" Her voice broke, and she turned to bury her head against her mom's waist.

I touched her shoulder lightly, biting back my own tears. God, Backstreet was something they'd shared. And now the only reason she'd gotten to meet them was because her dad was dead.

Shit, that sucked.

"I'm so sorry, Barbara. I know that doesn't help, but it's all I can say." I looked up at her mom, and I realized I'd made everyone cry. I just fucked everything up, didn't I?

"Hey, Connor, you want to meet Richie?" Jon's voice was behind me, and I glanced over as he led Connor away. Thanks. Now I had to fix this on my own.

"There's a couch right behind you," I offered, spotting it, and I went to grab it before anyone else could. Barbara and Colleen followed me, Barbara's sobs calming to sniffles.

"I'm sorry, Barbara. I just wanted to say something to you, because my dad died about a year and a half ago, and I know how hard it was."

At least I'd been an adult. I couldn't fathom the person I'd be today if Dad had died when I was only 12 or 13, which Barbara looked to be. All those teenage years without Dad there to pick me up, when I wasn't pretending to be too cool to need him? Damn.

"Really?" she asked quietly, and I smiled at her.

"Yeah. A drunk driver hit his car and he died instantly. He didn't die as a hero saving people's lives, but-"

Colleen interrupted me. "I'm sure he was a hero to you."

Oh, fuck, now I was crying. "Absolutely," I agreed. "Yeah. He was." I had to take a deep breath to keep going. "It hurts every day, Barbara. I can't pretend it doesn't. But eventually you'll go five minutes without thinking about him, then an hour, and sometimes two. Not usually more than that," I admitted, and I got a little smile in response. "And it'll hurt less. Or you get used to how much it hurts. I'm not sure which it is. But, eventually, you learn how to get through the day. I promise."

She considered me seriously, still leaning against her mom. "When was it?"

"April last year."

"Before your CD came out."

"Yeah," I smiled. "I was really, really depressed for a long time, and then my friends made me start writing songs again. That helps. Is there something you like to do? Draw, or sing, or write?"

"I like to write," she admitted. "And I draw."

"Good. Do that. You don't have to write about him. I wrote some songs about my dad, but they all sucked." She shared a smile with me again. "But writing songs helped so much. Dad loved my band, and it made me feel good to do things that always made him proud."

"He's probably really proud. I really like the CD."

I had to grin at that. "I know he is. Sometimes I can feel him smiling at me. I think your dad would be smiling that he got you to meet Backstreet."

"Think he did that?"

Colleen rolled her eyes. "I was trying to tell you Daddy did this. He made sure you got picked to be here and meet them."

I laughed. "Absolutely. And my dad got my video to Number One on TRL. Dads do that."

Barbara sat up, looking around. "Then I need to talk to Nick again." She stopped with a strangled shriek when she saw he was coming towards us.

The little girl sitting with Rachel screamed when she saw me. Maybe Rachel had relaxed her enough to be excited. The guys and I had been laughing about how cute and nervous she was when we were introduced.

"See?" Rachel said with a laugh, looking at the girl's mom. "He even knew you wanted to see Nick again."

"Who?" I asked. Why were they all laughing at me?

"Her dad," Rachel said.

Wasn't her dad… oh. Oh. I looked at Rachel, but she was smiling at the girl. Barbara. Betty. Beth? Damnit. I wasn't good with dead dads. Or names.

"Nick's good with dad moods," Rachel told the girl, smiling up at me.

That was such a lie. Bad enough the poor kid lost her dad, and now Rachel was telling lies about her favorite Backstreet Boy? I sucked at dad moods. I never knew what to say, or do, or think.

"Dad would tell me to get a hug," the girl offered.

That I could do. I pulled her into my arms, picking her up from the couch where she was sitting. She giggled as she hugged my neck and I swung her around. "How's that?" I asked her.

"He said he might allow me to marry you, too."

I laughed. "I think I need to wait until you're legal, sweetheart." Knowing her name might help, too.

Kissing her cheek, I set her down on the ground. Grinning now, she looked at her mom and Rachel. "See?" Rachel said. "He's good with the dad moods."

Hugs helped? Who knew? Well… I guess I did. But that never felt like enough.

The girl looked happy, though. She even smiled when someone came over to lead them to the stage to introduce us. "Rachel!" she said, as she followed her mom, and Rachel went over to her.

"What, Barbara?"

Barbara! I had to remember that.

"Come with me?"

"I'll come and watch with you, okay? I just need to give Nick a kiss for good luck."

Barbara smiled and nodded, then went to join her family. Rachel came back to me with a kiss. "Thanks," she said.

"I didn't do anything. Looks like you did."

She shrugged, looking over to where Barbara and her family had gone. "I've never been on that side of a dad mood. It sucks."

I met her eyes, and she just considered me for a long moment. "So thanks for that, I mean," she said quietly. "It must be really hard to deal with me sometimes."

"Never," I said truthfully. It wasn't, not really. I didn't...

"Let's go!" Frank said, pulling me away from her. Damnit! I… we… this was important!

Rachel caught me with a quick kiss. "Be amazing, bunny. I love you."

I smiled at her. Alright… I guess I had a job to do.

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