Oreos for Breakfast: Chapter 27

Oreos For Breakfast: Chapter 27
By the Paperbag Princess and Pumpkin Coach

"Hey, bunny." She answered her phone on the third ring, and I smiled at the sound of her voice, because I'd thought it was going into voicemail.

"Hey, buttercup. I was just packing up, and I saw something I never noticed before."

"If you fold clothes before you stuff them in a suitcase, they don't get as wrinkled?"

"No," I answered, shoving another t-shirt into my bag. Who cared if t-shirts were wrinkled? "I saw our song!"

"Our song?" She sounded completely confused, yet amused. I got that tone a lot from her.

"Our country song! You put it in my music notebook! I thought it was just blank!"

Now I could hear her smile, and I sat on the edge of the bed, looking at her handwriting in my notebook again. "I do that," she admitted. "I just write on whatever page it opens to, not from front to back. Then, sometimes, you look at things together that you wouldn't have otherwise, and two ideas can become one song."

"I doubt I'm going to combine country with anything on my CD, but it was a cool surprise."

"Don't forget, rock and roll started with country music."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, Rache. Whatever." I could just see her pout, and I laughed. "Stop pouting. I just wanted to call and say I thought it was very cool."

"Good. Glad you liked it. Know why else I put things on random pages?"

"No, why?" Had I forgotten anything? I'd been in this hotel for two days and I'd trashed the place. Well, Aaron and I had trashed the place. We were a bad combination.

"Because if something is on the first page, you see that every time you open up the notebook, and then you get sick of looking at it. Better to leave it blank."

"You are very weird, Rachel Connor."

"Stop," she muttered.

That wasn't good. She knew that was a joke, right?

"I love your weird habits, buttercup. You know that."

"Yeah… what are you doing? Doesn't your plane leave soon?"

I let her change the subject. She'd been a little weird when we'd talked last night. Tired, maybe getting a cold, missing her dad… nothing big, she said. Just a little off. Sounded like she still was.

"No, we're taking a later flight. One of Aaron's things ran long, so he and Mom are meeting us at the airport. I think we get into New York at like ten or something now."

"And then you're going to drive up to your grandparents?"

This all seemed like such a good idea a few weeks ago. Since my family was actually going to be together for Christmas, Mom had the bright idea we should go to New York and see the entire family. I had cousins I hadn't seen in years. My cousins had babies I'd never seen.

But then Aaron got this Disney thing, so that pushed our plans back. And one of the aunts couldn't come, but I didn't remember why now.

I just wanted to be with Rachel. Yeah, it was cool to see my family, but I really wanted to be with her. Christmas was so hard for her. Wouldn't it be easier if I was there?

"Yeah. It's like a three hour drive." We were going to one of my cousins, who lived outside of Albany. I'd heard of Albany. They must have an airport. Why weren't we flying into Albany? Maybe Mom was trying to remind us of when we'd drive up to New York from Florida when we were kids.

God, that would suck. BJ and I would fight the entire drive. Why did Mom think this was a good idea? Yeah, we were grown up now, but I still knew that BJ and I would end up fighting about something if we were trapped in the car together for too long.

"You mentioned that. Are you taking one car?"

"Mom rented a minivan."

That made her laugh. "I somehow can't see your family in a minivan."

"Someone might get killed before we make it there. Sure I can't come and see you instead?"

"No, you have to be there," she whispered, and there were tears in her voice.

Damnit. If I hadn't been crying already when he called, I'd be fine now.

"Rachel, honey, are you crying?"

Well, now I was. Why did it just make me cry more when someone was nice to me?

"No," I tried to say, but it didn't work. "Damnit!" I choked out, finding my tissues.

"What's wrong, baby? Did something happen?"

I shook my head, trying to breathe again. This would be easier if he was here. "No," I managed. "Nothing h...happened."

I shouldn't have picked up the damn phone. But I was so sad, and it was like he'd known that, calling at just the right minute. I'd heard his special Nick ringtone and I'd known hearing his voice would make me smile.

"Is it a Dad mood?"

I nodded, then shrugged, but Nick couldn't see any of that. Damnit!

"Give… give me a minute," I sobbed out, and his voice was quiet when he answered.

"Okay, buttercup. I'm sorry. Did I call at a bad time? Don't answer. Just try to breathe, okay? I'll let you go if you want to, but I have to know that you're okay first. Do I need to hang up and call 911? Is your mom there? Where are you? I have to stop asking you questions!"

He sounded so funny and frustrated that I had to laugh at him a little, and that helped me relax. "I'm fine," I told him, taking a shaky breath. "Basically."

"You don't sound fine."

"It's just a Dad mood." I looked at the pictures spread around the table in front of me. That wasn't helping. I needed pictures of Dad with the girls for one of their presents, and I hadn't looked at family pictures since he died, maybe.

Yeah… it was when he died. Vanessa made a beautiful collage of family snapshots that we displayed at the viewing. I'd helped with that.

Damnit!

"He liked Christmas. You've told me that," Nick said softly, bringing me back to the present and the man on the phone who loved me. I got up from the table and fell onto the sofa, holding the phone close to my ear.

"You have no idea, Nicky. He was the crazy Christmas guy who would blow out the circuits because he had too many lights. This is just tough. Someone told me at his funeral that I needed to go through a whole year without him. I had to experience every holiday and birthday and anniversary without him, and then it would get a little better."

"This is your second Christmas without him, right? Is it better?"

I had to think for a minute. Last Christmas… there was no album, no tour, hell, no band. Nick Carter was just some guy on the posters in the girls' room.

"Yeah," I whispered. "It's a lot better. I still miss him like crazy, but… I didn't have you last year, bunny." I wiped away a tear.

"I'm not even there," he said, frustrated. "Want me to come? We're going to be in New York City anyway."

God, more than anything. I wanted him here with me right now.

"No, sweetie. Your family would just hate me. It's okay. I was just looking at pictures for one of the presents for the girls, and I got overwhelmed."

"Are you home?"

"Yeah. It's my day alone. I need to finish wrapping, and putting some things together."

"I think you should go to your mom's," he insisted, and I had to smile at his protective tone. I knew it drove him crazy when he couldn't fix a Dad mood.

"No, I think it's better that I'm alone. It's okay that I'm sad about Dad, but I don't need to do it in front of everyone. I'm sorry I fell apart on you."

"No! I'm glad you called me."

"You hate it when I cry, Nick."

"Yeah, but… I don't want you to hide it from me. I hate it when you cry, and I want to make it better."

I smiled, snuggling into the couch and wishing he were there to hold me. "You did. Maybe you found that song for a reason, because something was telling you that I needed you."

"Maybe," I sighed. Or maybe it was because I needed to know how upset she was. She'd never tell me otherwise.

"I'm better now, I swear." Her voice did sound steadier. But anything was better than her sobbing in my ear when I wasn't there to hold her.

Damnit.

"I still think you should go to your mom's and be with everyone."

"No," she disagreed. "I'm too raw to be with people. I need to be alone and finish up my last minute Christmas stuff and then I'll make some soup for dinner and watch the Gilmore Girls."

I needed to find this show. I'd never heard of it, but she and James were obsessed. Her mom taped it for her while she was on the road, and she was looking forward to the Christmas episode.

"Lorelai and Ryan?"

"Rory!" she corrected. "It's short for Lorelai."

"It is?"

That made her giggle. "Well, somehow. I'll make you watch it when you're here."

"I can't wait." Well, I'd probably live without the Gilmore Girls. But I wanted to be there in her house, with her.

"You really love me, don't you, bunny?" she teased, but I answered her seriously.

"I do, Rache. I really do. Are you going to be okay?"

"I am a million times better, hearing your voice."

The plane was barely on the ground before I had my phone out. Mom tried to stop me from turning it on, but then the flight attendant made the announcement that we could use them and it didn't matter. I turned away from Mom, holding my free hand over my ear to hear better. Would she answer?

"Hi," she answered quietly, and I knew it wasn't good. She'd been sorta okay the last time we talked, but that was hours ago now. I'd tried from the airport, and I'd even used the phone on the plane, but I'd kept getting voicemail.

"You don't sound good, Rache."

"I'm okay," she said, but I didn't believe her. "Really."

"I don't believe you. What happened? The girls taped over the Gilmore Girls? Were you watching one of those sappy Christmas movies?"

That made her smile a little, because her voice was lighter. "No Christmas movies. And my tape of the Gilmore Girls is fine, but I only watched one episode before Jeremy called."

Jeremy? How long had she been talking to Jeremy? I'd talked to her around 3 or something, and now it was almost 10, and I'd been trying to get her on the phone since.

Aaron poked me. "Move, dork."

Damn, I had to get off the plane. "Where are you?" Rachel asked, and I moved into the aisle, grabbing my bag out of the overhead compartment.

"On the plane. They just told us we could use cell phones. I've been trying to call you all day."

I slung my bag over my shoulder and followed Dad off the plane, letting Aaron deal with his own stuff.

"I know," Rachel answered. "I just listened to all your voicemails. Thank you."

"How long were you on the phone with Jeremy?"

My voice sounded a little harsh, even to me, and she hesitated a second before answering. "A while, I guess. But I knew you were on the plane and couldn't call."

"I used the phone on the plane."

She was quiet for moment, and then she sighed. "Please, Nick. Don't do this. I just don't have the energy to deal with your jealousy after I've been dealing with Jeremy."

"If you'd gotten off the phone with him, you wouldn't have to be dealing with either of us."

I bit my lip, staring at the TV, but not comprehending what was on. I'd thought that Nick was at a point where he was okay with Jeremy. Evidently not.

"He actually wasn't that bad."

"What, he just called to wish you a merry Christmas?"

"Sorta." In his bizarre Jeremy way, yes. "He called to talk about the renegotiations, and…"

Nick cut me off. "He needs to give that a rest."

"I told him that, and I reminded him that it was Christmas, and that was a little tough for me, and he admitted he was trying to distract me a little." I nearly smiled, remembering our conversation. Of course, I'd had to bite his head off first and I felt a little bad about that. In my mind I was so good at casting Jeremy in the role of the villain, but I should probably remind myself once in a while that he wasn't always just being an asshole.

Nick was quiet for a second. "Sorry. I just… you were so sad earlier…"

"I'm still sad. And I'm just going to be sad. I've resigned myself to that. I'm better than I was last year, but this is really hard." I could feel tears welling up, and I stopped talking, willing myself to breathe. I'd made it through an hour with Jeremy without crying, but it was harder with Nick.

"That's horrible, Rache," Nick said softly, and I nodded.

"I'll be okay. It's just been building up all month, and I've been too busy to deal with it. It's good that I'm here in my house by myself, so I can just cry myself to sleep and get it out."

"Rache…" he started, but I kept talking.

"I know it's stupid, when I have so much and I've had the best year of my life, honestly, between everything that's happened with the band and finding you. Just one of those things would be amazing, but to get both all at once is fucking unbelievable. I shouldn't be sad. I should be celebrating."

"You're allowed to miss him, buttercup. Maybe it's because you have all these great things and you want to share them with him that's making it worse."

Shit, I made her cry again.

Hell, I was trying not to cry myself. But I was in the middle of an airport, surrounded by my family and total strangers. Mom and Aaron kept giving me looks, but I ignored them. This was important. My family was okay. We were going to see everyone and have a sort of family reunion with lots of presents and food, and there would be some drama somewhere, but basically we were fine. But Rachel…

Rachel was going through a lot.

But maybe she wasn't crying, because her voice was even when she answered. Sad and low, but not crying. "I think you might be right, bunny. I need to just let myself be sad about it, don't I?"

"Absolutely," I agreed.

"Where are you going?" Aaron asked, grabbing my arm. "We stopped ten feet ago."

Turning around, I saw my family in line at the rental car counter. I wasn't even paying attention. Somehow, I was surrounded by hundreds of people, but all I could hear was Rachel. I waved Aaron away, and he rolled his eyes, joining everyone in line.

"You need to go, sweetie," Rachel said.

"No," I protested, but she didn't let me go on.

"You do. You're there with everyone, and you don't need to be talking to your depressed girlfriend."

"They're just waiting around for the rental car." So that I could be trapped with them for the next three hours while we drove to Albany. Great. Where were the girls? Did we ditch them already? Turning around, I saw them at baggage claim. Damn, BJ wasn't lost.

"And I'm just singing the same sad song. I'm going to make some hot chocolate and maybe watch some TV and just feel sorry for myself. I think I really need that."

"I can stay on the phone," I tried.

"No, I think I need to be by myself, bunny. I love you, though."

"I love you so much, Rachel."

"I know," she whispered. "And that's one of the main reasons this Christmas is a lot better than last year. But you go be with your family. Call me when you get to Albany. I might be asleep by then, but call anyway."

"I will," I promised. "Go and feel sorry for yourself."

"I will," she answered, but it sounded like she was smiling a little.

Hanging up the phone, I looked over at Aaron, ever the bored teenager as he yawned and leaned against the rental car counter. This was going to piss him off. He might not talk to me when I joined them in a couple of days. I considered that, but the thought was drowned out by the sound of Rachel's sad voice in my ear. I could tell that she was trying to be good and not freak me out. But it didn't work. I knew her too well now. I'd missed a lot of clues this month, but I was not doing it again.

She was too important.

Not that Aaron and my family weren't important…

"It's complicated," I heard Mom say, joking with the attendant at the counter. "But I thought it would be fun for a little family togetherness."

The woman at the counter eyed me as I joined them. "That's pretty together."

"It's okay," I told her. "There will be one less in the van. I need a car of my own."

"Cool!" Aaron snickered. "I'm going with Nick!"

"I'm going to see Rachel," I told him.

Shit. She had worked so hard to get him to like her, and I could see on his face that all that was forgotten right now. "You're what?" he yelled.

"After all we've done, Nick…" Mom started, but then Dad stepped in between us.

"Jane, let me handle this." He dragged me away, and I caught the clerk's eye as he pulled me into a corner.

"Car," I told her. "A big one. And a map."

Was GPS too much to ask? I'd never gone to Rachel's without her, and I knew I'd get lost. What time was it? What time would I get there? Maybe I should find a hotel here and get some sleep, then go to her in the morning.

No way was I sleeping until I saw her. She was only a few hours away. I'd be fine.

"Nick, what is going on here? Your mother has big plans for this Christmas, and I will not allow you to ruin it."

I took a deep breath and looked him in the eye. I was not a little kid any more, and he couldn't tell me what to do.

"I know," I told him. "I know this is our first family Christmas in ages, and I'm sorry to mess it up. But Rachel was going to join us on Christmas, and we'll still do that."

"You say that now. But that girl…"

"Don't say that! Don't use that tone! You know who she is. She thinks family is the most important thing in the world. We will be there for Christmas dinner."

I was a little afraid that Rachel was going to kick my ass when I showed up, because she was the one that was so insistent on me being with my family. But I couldn't do it when she was so sad.

"What is so wrong with the plans we've already made? Why doesn't she like them now?"

"This is all my idea. She lost her father a couple of years ago, and Christmas is really difficult for her. I need to be with her and make sure that she's okay. If I go with you guys, I'm going to be on the phone the entire time, checking up on her."

He was caving. I could see it.

"This isn't Mandy, Dad. You told me then that someday I'd understand what love really meant, and Mandy wasn't it. Rachel is. I need to be with her. Not because she told me to, but because she was just crying on the phone, and I can't bear to leave her like that."

He considered me for a long moment. "You really love this girl."

I just nodded, because I didn't want to cry. Dad and I never talked like this, and I'd already said enough. He had to know how important this was to me now.

"You'll be there for Christmas dinner." It was a statement, not a question, and I risked a small smile.

"I swear. And then we'll…" Our original plans were to be with my family for a day or two, and then go see hers. But then we needed to be in New York City because Sudden Silence was doing the MTV New Year's thing. "We might stay longer. I have to talk to her about that. But I will be there for Christmas dinner. There are gonna be so many people there, you'll barely notice I'm not there Christmas morning. But Rachel needs me."

Or maybe I just needed to see that she was okay. She'd said she needed to be alone, but… but sometimes she said I made her feel happier. I just knew I had to try.

"Alright," Dad conceded. "Go and rent your car. Let me handle your mother."

"Who's gonna handle Aaron?"

That made Dad smile. "You're such a grown up now, he's all yours."

"Thanks."

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