Oreos for Breakfast: Chapter 30

Oreos For Breakfast: Chapter 30
By the Paperbag Princess and Pumpkin Coach

I heard a noise and sat straight up in bed, panicked. What was that? It was across the hall… crying. I looked to my right quickly, knowing he wasn't there. Wrapping a blanket around myself, I stepped into the hallway, listening for a second.

He didn't want me. He just needed to cry in peace. All day, since he gave me that ring and I was such a bitch about it, there had been a chasm between us. Yesterday we'd been almost okay, but then I'd ruined it all. I'd tried to apologize, but he didn't want to hear it, and so we spent most of the day watching movies from opposite ends of the couch. He'd taken care of me and made dinner, but I knew it was just out of a sense of obligation.

He sobbed again, like his heart was breaking, and I had to go to him. He didn't want me, but I couldn't just stand here and let him cry. He was in the blue room, the room where he'd slept the first time he'd come to this house, before I'd invited him into my bed and into my heart. I never should have done that. If I'd never done that, then I wouldn't have broken his heart like this.

"Nick?" I whispered, but he didn't hear me. I sat on the edge of the bed and he froze.

He didn't want me here. Or if he did, I didn't want to hear what he had to say. "Sorry," I said. "I'll leave you alone." I started to get up and he grabbed my arm.

"NO!" he yelled. "Don't… don't…" But he couldn't finish, falling into tears again, sobbing into my lap. I was still for a minute, but he was just reaching out for me in his confusion, so I laid down next to him, letting him pull me up against his body and stroking his hair until he could breathe a little.

"I'm so sorry, Nick," I said quietly when I was sure he could hear me. "I'm sorry I had to…"

He sat up, away from me, and my heart shattered. I knew he hated me. I knew this was going to end it, but did it have to be at 5 o'clock in the morning?

"Stop it! Stop apologizing!"

I sat up, blinking at him. "What?"

He hiccuped, brushing away tears angrily. "Stop it! I can't take it any more. Stop apologizing and stop telling me that I hate you!"

"But…" I started, and he grabbed my hands, looking at me.

"I don't hate you, Rachel. I could never hate you, never. Especially not because of this. I wanted this, too. Remember? I'm not ready to have a baby, either. I wish I was! I wish we both were, because I want that. I want you for the rest of my life and I want a million babies. Just not yet."

She just blinked at me, confused, and I sat back. "I know this is probably just your hormones, they told us to be prepared. But I don't know what to do." My voice cracked and I tried to take a deep breath.

I should not be the one crying. I needed to take care of her right now, not break down. But I couldn't stand it any longer. This had been the longest day of my life. I'd never been so uncomfortable and unsure around her. Not even when we were just friends. "I know I'm overreacting, Rachel, but this is too much for me."

She turned her head away, blinking back tears. "I know," she said softly. "I knew it would be, I wish I…"

"No!" I screamed, frustrated. "This is too much! The fact that you won't let me touch you, because you're so afraid that I hate you. I don't. I never did. I never will. And I know that it's only been today, and it's probably just that your hormones are out of whack, but I can't stand it! Yesterday we were fine, we were sad, but we were together. Today I feel like you're a million miles away, no matter what I do. Rachel, let me in, talk to me, let me help you."

She still wouldn't look at me, and we were quiet for a moment. "I can't," she finally whispered, and I exploded.

"Then neither can I! Christ, Rache, I'm not asking for much. I just want you to talk to me, that's all!" I was making her cry, and I suddenly didn't care. She made me cry. She broke my heart when she wouldn't take the ring I'd gotten for her. "You are not the only one hurting here!" I yelled, getting up from the bed. The covers tangled around me and I yanked at them, freeing myself.

"I'm sorry," she choked out, and I screamed.

"Stop fucking apologizing!"

I was outside before I realized what I was doing. The slamming door rang in my ears, and I looked down at the car keys in my hand. I didn't have shoes on, or a coat, but I had the car keys.

I should go. She didn't need me, she just wanted to sit here and cry and not talk.

Maybe it would be good if I left. Maybe she needed some time.

I collapsed onto the step, shaking. I'd just yelled at her. What kind of horrible person was I? She'd just had an abortion, her hormones were out of control, and I was screaming at her like she could help what she was doing. How stupid. I was complaining that I needed help? Me?

The slamming door frightened me, and I sat up, startled enough to stop crying.

Was he actually leaving? Is that what that just was? Had he finally left, just like I knew he would? He'd been so good, but I knew that would wear off. Once I was better, he'd stop taking care of me and start thinking about what we did and he'd hate me.

I held my breath, waiting for the car to start, but all I heard was silence.

Where could he go? We were in the middle of nowhere, really.

Sniffling back tears, I went into the hallway, and from the stairs, I could see him outside, sitting on the steps, his head on his knees.

He didn't go.

I sank down, sitting on the landing and watching him cry.

He didn't leave. Of course he didn't. He'd yelled, he was angry, but he didn't get far. He wouldn't leave me. He wouldn't just walk out of my life, not over this. Nick loved me. He'd been amazing since I told him I was pregnant, letting me cry for hours. No wonder he'd snapped. I'd been fucking insufferable.

He didn't even have shoes on.

Pulling Dad's sweater tightly around my body, I went outside. He didn't look up, but he knew I was there. I leaned over him, putting my hands on his shoulders. "Bunny, you don't have shoes on."

He just nodded, and I stroked his hair carefully. It was cold out here, light snow covering the driveway. I tried to take a deep breath, but it caught in my chest. "I need to go for a walk. I'd like it if you'd come with me, but you don't have to."

"Where? It's dark," he mumbled.

"Just a place I go. I know the way. Besides, the sun will be up soon. I'm gonna make some hot chocolate to take, and put on some warmer clothes, then go." I bending down, I hugged him from behind, but he didn't move. "I promise, Nicky, I'll be ready to talk when I come back. I promise."

He put his hands over mine for a moment. "I'll come," he finally sighed.

Kissing the side of his head, I stood up. "Then I'll make extra hot chocolate."

I went inside, and it took him a minute to follow. I heard him go upstairs, and I went back to making hot chocolate. Dad had taught me how, but mine was never as good as his. Maybe it was just that I wasn't five years old, and it wasn't the magical perfect stuff that Daddy made with our pancakes on Saturday mornings.

But it wasn't from a mix, not my Dad. Real Dutch cocoa, sugar and milk. I found the Thermos while the milk was heating, and washed it out. I couldn't remember the last time I'd used it, but it had to have been when we were recording the album. I'd get up early every morning and take ridiculously long walks trying to clear my head. Hot chocolate was very important then.

I'd never taken anyone with me on my early morning walks, but I wanted Nick with me this time. Maybe I'd be able to explain things to him. Maybe I'd be able to explain things to myself.

I was exhausted when we finally stopped walking. We'd been up and down tiny roads that I'd never seen before. Finally we'd come to another beach that jutted out into the water. She found a spot she liked, and I collapsed, leaning back against a dune. Rachel smiled and sat next to me, pulling a Thermos out of her pocket. Hot chocolate! I'd forgotten about that. She poured a cup and handed it to me with a smile.

"We have to share. I didn't bring another cup." I offered it back to her and she shook her head. "No, there's plenty. Enjoy."

I took a sip, glancing at her as she looked out at the water. The sun was just coming up, so I couldn't really read the expression on her face. We'd walked in silence, navigating by the light of the full moon.

After a few minutes, I'd stopped worrying about her and just walked. It was so beautiful here, especially at 5 o'clock in the morning. Moving was good, being outside was good, having Rachel hold my hand was fantastic. I wanted to put my arm around her, but I was afraid of what she would do, so I left it at holding hands. Even through gloves, it made me feel better.

I handed her back the cup of hot chocolate and we finished the entire Thermos in silence. She said she'd be ready to talk. I had to let her start it.

She put the cap back on the Thermos and set it next to her, then snuggled up against me, her head on my chest. I put my arms around her, resisting the urge to squeeze her tighter. We were quiet for a bit, watching the sunrise over the water.

"Thank you for yelling at me," she said, and I blinked at the top of her head until she moved it, smiling up at me. "No. Really. Thank you for yelling at me. I needed that."

"I didn't mean…" I started, and she shook her head.

"You were right. I shut myself off, and that was unfair. This didn't happen to just me." I started to say something and she put a hand over my lips. "Let me talk, please?"

I nodded. "OK."

"I did the same thing after Dad died. I completely retreated inside myself, and it was fucking awful. Thank God this was only a day. It's just that… ever since I found out I was pregnant I was convinced you were going to hate me. That's why I wouldn't answer your calls."

"I couldn't ever hate you, Rache."

"I know," she nodded. "I saw you sitting outside this morning, when you were so angry at me. You had every right to take off, but you didn't. And I realized how much you must love me." She stroked my cheek, not quite meeting my eyes. "You're such a golden boy, Nick. Sometimes I think I'm going to wake up and discover I just dreamed you into being. So I'm sorry that I shut you out all day, but I was so scared that you'd leave…"

"I'll never leave you," I promised, my voice breaking.

"I almost believe you," she smiled, brushing away a tear from my cheek. "After surviving my melodrama of the last 24 hours or so."

She kissed me gently, and I couldn't help myself. I cupped her face in my hands, rolling her over on her back, kissing her madly. It had been hours, and I needed her so badly, just to feel close to her again. She responded, wrapping her arms around my neck and meeting my tongue when I forced it between her lips. I moved away from her, gasping for air as I tried not to sob, and she smiled up at me.

"Oh, my touchy boy," she said stroking my hair gently. "I'm sorry I had to be so prickly. I know it makes you feel better when you can touch me."

He nodded, biting his lip, and I brushed the hair away from his eyes. "If I do it again, just yell at me. You were right earlier, this isn't happening to just me. I need to take care of you a little, too."

"No," he started to say, shaking his head, and I interrupted him.

"We made the right decision, but we're allowed to be sad. Both of us. You let me wallow in it too much, bunny. Don't do that again. I am a melodramatic freak sometimes."

He laughed, falling into the sand next to me. "Perhaps a little," he agreed, and I had to smile.

"You've been great. Honestly, just… amazing." Now that I could see myself clearer, I was amazed that he was still here. "I was selfish and bitchy and I am so sorry that I hurt you by not taking the ring. It was a beautiful gesture, and I ruined it."

He ran his hand down my arm, looking into my eyes. "It was a stupid idea. You were right. We don't need another reason to remember yesterday."

"I handled it badly. I should have waited to say something when we were both less emotional."

He started to say something, but I stopped him with a kiss. "Don't make any more excuses for me. I was a bitch yesterday. Maybe it was hormones, or maybe it was just me being selfish. Or scared. I'm sorry. I never should have hurt you like that, when you've been nothing but wonderful and understanding ever since I told you."

He raised his eyebrow in surprise. "I don't feel very wonderful and understanding."

"Well, you have been. All I've done is complain and talk at you. What about you? Are you okay?" He did agree that an abortion was the only answer. Right? He'd never really tried to talk me out of it.

"I'm…" he started to say 'fine', but then he saw the look in my eyes. "I'm okay. I just… I don't want to lose you, Rache. I feel like everything in my life is changing, and I don't know what I'd do if you left, too. I'm trying so hard to be good for you."

His voice was raw, fighting back tears, and I put one arm around his waist, moving closer to him. "You've been amazing. But you don't have to try that hard. I'm not going anywhere."

"You went away yesterday. I couldn't even touch you and we were in the same room. I didn't know what to do."

"I know. I'm just… I don't have any excuses. I was depressed yesterday, and I was scared when I wasn't answering your calls. And now we know that I was such a fucking basket case in LA because I was pregnant."

He shut his eyes when I said the word 'pregnant', and I wasn't sure what to do. Had I read this all wrong?

"I thought I wanted kids. It's one of those things that's in the back of my mind. One of those things I'll do someday. But there you were, pregnant, and it scared the fuck outta me the more I thought about it."

Well, at least we were agreed on that point. He opened his eyes, looking at me.

"I can't be a dad."

"I know, bunny. That's why…"

He interrupted me. "I mean ever. I don't know how. I don't have any good role models. My family is so fucked up, Rache." I started to say something, but he sat up, shaking his head. "No. Seriously. We are a fucking mess. I don't want to do the same things to my kids!"

I sat up with him. "Nick, your family isn't all bad. They…"

He cut me off. "You don't know. You have no idea. You have a great family. My family isn't like that. It's all about the money, and buying more stuff, and chart positions, and…"

"It wasn't always like that. It couldn't have been."

"All I remember about being a kid was going on auditions with Mom. Why was she pushing me into this business? Shouldn't she have been home with Dad, instead of driving me all over Florida? Their marriage is so fucked up."

"Maybe it is. But you see that, so you're not going to repeat their mistakes."

He met my eyes, considering me for a long moment. "She loved him once. She tells stories about how they met, and how he swept her off her feet… and now they barely talk. Sometimes I think about how she must have loved him as much as I love you, and look how they ended up. That's not what I want my life to be, Rache."

"It doesn't have to be. You don't have to end up like them. They got married and had you not long after they met, right?" He nodded, and I smiled at him. "Look. We avoided that first problem."

He considered for a second, and then smiled back at me. "Does that mean you won't marry me?"

"Not right now, bunny. Maybe someday."

"When?"

I laughed. "I don't know. But not now. We have time. We both have jobs that we love. Let's not rush things."

"What if we need to rush? What if we don't have time?"

I shook my head, kissing him. "We do. I'll never regret any time I've ever spent with you, but I would regret missing out on my career. It's not a choice we have to make. We can have each other, and million selling albums, and anything else we want."

Cupping my face in his cold hands, he kissed me deeply. "I love you."

"I love you, too. I might love you more if we could go inside, where it's warm."

He pulled me closer to him, wrapping his arms around to warm me. "It's such a long way back."

"Just over there." I nodded down the beach and he just blinked. He had no idea where we were, did he? "We're at the other end of my beach, bunny."

Laughing, he stood up, offering me a hand and pulling me back against his body as I stood up. "Good! I'm fucking freezing. Will you make waffles for breakfast?"

"Absolutely."

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