Oreos for Breakfast: Chapter 30

Oreos For Breakfast: Chapter 30
By the Paperbag Princess and Pumpkin Coach

The house was clean, and I was showered for the first time in three days. I was almost scared to get behind the wheel of the car, but I'd promised I'd pick him up at the airport. Better to see him in public. If we were alone I'd just fall apart.

I shouldn't have told him to come. I had an appointment tomorrow, and Nick wouldn't even need to know. Damon never knew.

Keys in hand, I opened the door, shocked by the cold. I pulled up the hood on my coat and started towards the garage when a car pulled into the driveway. Who the hell was that?

Oh, damnit. He's surprising me. I really couldn't take any more surprises in my life.

I could see his grin from here, and he stopped the car with a flourish, jumping out. "Glad I caught you! I was worried. I should have been here an hour ago."

He was so beautiful, and so happy to see me. Would this baby have his smile?

I sat down on the front step, sobbing.

She looked so cute, like a little girl all bundled up against the cold. Then she collapsed on the steps, crying, and I ran over to her.

"Rache! What's wrong? I'm sorry, I should have let you pick me up…" That was stupid. She hated the drive to the city. She was not upset about that.

Was she sick again? She hadn't passed out, but bursting into tears this way was pretty weird.

I knelt down in front of her, afraid to touch her, but she threw herself at me, sobbing against my chest. I held her tightly, not sure what to say. This wasn't a dad mood. Even those weren't this bad. I'd never seen her like this, and it was scaring me to death.

"Rache? Buttercup, what is it? Did someone die? Is someone hurt?" She just cried harder. I tried to take a deep breath. If it was something horrible, she wouldn't be all bundled up, ready to come get me at the airport. Maybe it was just… I had no idea. Not even the glimmer of an idea.

After a minute, she stopped, moving away from me and finding a tissue in her pocket to wipe her face. "Some homecoming, huh?"

"Rachel. What is it? What happened? I haven't talked to you in days, and you take one look at me and fall apart. What did I do?" I hoped that didn't sound as hysterical as I felt.

"I'm pregnant." The words were out before I could think about it, but I couldn't let him worry any longer.

The look that crossed his face as my words hit him was the exact look I had nightmares about.

He was thrilled.

It took him a moment, but a slow smile spread across his face, and I got up, going into the house. He followed me. "You're pregnant?"

I was never, ever having sex without a condom again. What were we thinking? Fucking antibiotics, completely my fault for not thinking about how they knocked out the effects of the Pill.

I shrugged out of my coat, slamming the door behind him. I'd known he was going to do this. He was a child, a baby was like a new cool toy to him.

"Rache! You're pregnant!" He caught my arm, spinning me around to grin at me. "I want a girl, with your curls, maybe she'll be blond…" his voice trailed off as he saw the look on my face.

Her face was furious, and I stepped away from her.

Of course she was furious. If she'd been happy about this, she wouldn't have been in tears when she saw me.

She'd had an abortion before, after all.

I sat on the couch, just looking at her. It wasn't until she bit her lip that I realized she was scared.

"How could you? You didn't love Damon. It was a stupid mistake. You told me that."

He hated me. I knew he was going to hate me. He could never understand. He wanted everything to be perfect with us, and I knew a baby would ruin everything. He was never going to look at me the same way again. It was already too late.

"So is this, sweetheart," I whispered. "I can't."

"But you love me! We'll get married, We'll live right here, and we'll have a baby. Rache, a baby! I won't leave you, not like him. You're all I want. I know that."

He was so sincere. He meant every word of what he was saying, and I watched his heart break when I shook my head.

"Rache…" he pleaded, tears in his eyes.

"I've known since I got home, Nick. I didn't want to tell you on the phone. All I've done is think about this. I can't have this baby."

He just looked at me for the longest moment, finally dropping his head into his hands. "I thought we were good, Rache." His voice broke, and I fell into the nearest chair.

How could he hate me for this? Maybe right now, fine. But in an hour, a day, next year, he'd realize I was making the right decision.

I tried to sound brave and old and smart. "I'm sorry. But someday you'll realize I'm doing the right thing."

Crossing his arms over his chest, he fell over onto the couch, screaming. He didn't cry, he just screamed. I cried, hearing him. I knew he was going to say terrible things, and I didn't want to hear them.

"How is this right, Rache? I can't live without you. I know that. I tried. I didn't mean to get you pregnant. How can you leave me over this?" I didn't care if it sounded like I was begging. Hell, I was begging.

I couldn't even cry. I couldn't breathe enough to cry. Three minutes ago I thought I'd have her and a baby, and now she's leaving me. I knew I was too young to be a father, but I could try… she had to let me try.

"I'm not leaving you!" she yelled. "You hate me because I'm having an abortion. This isn't me leaving you!"

"I'm not…" I sat up, looking at her. She wasn't leaving me? She was huddled in her favorite chair, wiping away tears.

I took a breath. Not a deep one. But a breath.

"Rache," I said, cautiously.

"What?" she snarled.

"We're overwrought."

She stopped, her eyes flicking over to me. This was surely the worst we'd ever gotten, but maybe it was just us being overwrought.

"I'm not leaving you, Rache. I can't imagine what you would have to do to make me leave you."

Her voice sounded frightened when she finally spoke. "You don't hate me?"

"Rache!" His voice was hurt. "How could I hate you? I… a baby." He considered for a moment. "You're right. We can't do this. If we lived different lives, maybe. You're not Leighanne."

I sniffled. I was sick of crying. "I'm sorry, honey. Part of me really wants to."

"Then why not?"

"Because we both have too many other things to do first. This would end my career."

"It doesn't have to."

I stopped him. "It would. It's different for women. Joey Fatone can get a girl pregnant and it's no big deal. It would be a huge deal for me. And it wouldn't just end my career. I'd take the whole band with me. We're just barely getting started, and I don't want it to stop. I know that's really selfish, but… that's how I feel. Everything inside me is screaming 'no.'" Shrieking was more like. I hadn't slept in days.

He was just watching me, processing everything I was saying.

"Even if we were normal people, it would be wrong."

"Why?" he whispered.

"We've only been together a few months, Nick. Hell, most of that time, we haven't been in the same country. I love you so much, but we're nowhere near ready to have a family. We're both too selfish. That's okay, because it's just us, and we're allowed to be selfish at this point in our lives."

"I could be not selfish," he said quietly, and I sat next to him, taking his hands.

"Nick, you're only 22. For the first time, you've got the chance to do something entirely for yourself, without the band. I do not want to take that away from you."

"I'll give it up, Rache."

I shook my head. "I can't let you do that. Eventually, you'll resent it. I know I do. I want kids some day, but not like this. I have worked my entire life for a chance like we've got now, and I can't give it up." Part of me felt like a selfish bitch for wanting an abortion, and the rest of me knew it was absolutely the right decision.

He pulled me into his lap, wrapping his arms around me. "I know you're right," he admitted. "But you've had some time to think about this, and I haven't."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"No. I'm glad you didn't tell me this on the phone. I wouldn't have been able to stand it."

I snuggled into his arms. I knew that. I knew he'd need to be with me to process it. If I'd told him on the phone, he probably would have ended up trashing the hotel room.

"When was it? Do you know?" he asked, and I just nodded. I didn't want to tell him. We were quiet for a moment. "It was my birthday, wasn't it?"

"I think so. I'm sorry…" It had to have been. The timing was right, and we hadn't used a condom.

He moved my head off his shoulder. "Rache, look at me." I did, reluctantly. "Stop apologizing. Just stop."

I blinked back tears, looking at him. He was being so good. Why was I scared to tell him? He loved me, and he trusted me. He was more grown-up than I gave him credit for. I nodded at him, trying to speak around the lump in my throat. "Okay. You too, then, no apologies."

Nodding, he kissed me carefully. No, not sex, not now. I'd shatter into a thousand tiny pieces if he kissed me again. I wrapped my arms around him, holding him tightly. "I missed you so much," I whispered into his shoulder.

"Rache, please, don't do that to me ever again. It scared me so bad when you wouldn't answer my calls." His voice caught in his throat and I nodded.

"I was overwrought, sweetie. I was convinced you were going to hate me, and that you wouldn't understand my decision…"

He just pulled me closer, and I could feel him fighting back tears. We just held each other for the longest time, but finally he spoke, his voice quiet and sincere. "I know the answer to this, but I have to say it."

I knew the question, but I needed to hear it anyway. "What?"

"Marry me."

To my surprise, she didn't move away from me, just stayed in my arms, breathing against me. I went on, carefully. "Marry me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. We can have the baby. We have money, so we'll get a nanny to take care of her when we're both recording. I'll get a new bus when we tour and we'll convert one of the bunks to a crib."

She looked up at me with a smile. "No. Thank you, but no."

I loved that smile. "I love you, Rache."

"I know. I forgot, when you weren't with me."

I kissed her. "I don't know how you could forget. I was calling you every three minutes," I tried to joke, and was rewarded with half a giggle.

"I can be stupid sometimes, Nick."

I wanted to tell her that having an abortion was stupid, but I knew it wasn't. I couldn't come up with one real reason to keep the baby. We weren't there yet. I was starting to see that the whole world was opening up to me, and if I were honest with myself I knew I didn't want to give that up, even for Rachel.

"The whole thing is stupid," she said quietly. "I know how to use birth control."

"I'd consider you an expert."

"I should have…"

I cut her off. "It doesn't matter, Rache. You can't go back in time and change things. I know about antibiotics and the Pill, too. It was my birthday wish to not use a condom, and I should have…"

She shook her head. "Stop. We both need to stop. We're okay, right? We know what we're doing. Will you come with me to the clinic tomorrow?"

"Clinic?"

"Yeah, there's a Planned Parenthood about an hour away. It's where I went last time. They were nice. I think. I had some other stuff going on then, so I barely remember it."

She shuddered, and I kissed her forehead, trying to figure out how to tell her this. "Rachel. Sweetheart, you can't go to a clinic."

Pulling away, she looked up at me. "It's not like I can walk into a doctor's office and ask for an abortion. It's a little more complicated than that."

"There will be people there. Probably lots of them."

"Yeah. We have to be there by eight. They bring everyone in on Saturdays, so that they can shield us from the protesters."

Protesters? Yeah. Anti-abortion people. Did they still do that? I'd seen pictures on the news of people waving Bibles and posters with pictures of babies on them. I'd never understood it. Sometimes women needed to have an abortion, and who had the right to stop her? Why was it anyone else's business?

"Oh, you really can't do that."

"It's okay, Nick. There are people there to help. Hell, I used to be one of those people who escorted women inside clinics." She smiled at my surprised look. "I did a lot of stuff like that in college. I'm a crazy feminist, remember?"

I kissed her. "I know. But, Rache, you can't go there. You're famous now."

"No one will notice me. It's Long Island!"

"The entire world knows you live here."

She considered me for a moment, and then slid off my lap, leaning back against the arm of the couch. "They take pictures, sometimes. The crazy anti-choicers have websites where they post pictures of patients and doctors, going into clinics."

"Then you really can't do that. Having a baby might be bad for your career, but…"

"Having an abortion is worse. Shit. Nick, what are we going to do?" There were tears in her eyes as I felt her start to panic. Quickly I took her hands, trying to calm her.

"I am sure that you're not the first famous woman who has needed an abortion."

"Yeah, but I don't know any of the famous people passwords yet! I don't know where to go."

"I bet Saffron does." Saffron knew all sorts of stuff. She certainly knew the best place for AJ to go to rehab, and she got him in there in about five minutes. There weren't even any pictures of him - not leaving the hotel or even in Arizona. That couldn't have just been the paparazzi respecting his privacy.

"No!" Rachel said, her voice scared. "I don't want anyone to know. Just you. I can't… I feel like such an idiot, Nick, for getting into this situation. Twice."

"No one needs to know about the first one. And that…" That was different. I hated that I had anything in common with Damon. At least I was here for this. I could take care of things and be with her. "That doesn't matter. Rachel, I'm sure that Saffron will know exactly what to do. She can take care of everything and no one else will ever know."

Rachel chewed her lip, staring intently at the corner of the room. "Lola," she finally said. "Saffron's in L.A., and if she has connections, they're probably there. I can't go back there, Nick. Lola will know someone in New York."

"Saffron's her boss. Will she have to tell her?"

"If she does, I don't want to know."

"Okay." I stroked her face, and she looked at me. "We're agreed. We need to call Lola." I smiled at the look in her eyes. "I'll call Lola."

"I can't listen. Should I make lunch?"

"Great. I'll call her now. Do you need to cancel your appointment at the clinic?"

Nodding, she stood up. "Yeah. I'll be in the kitchen when you're done."

Twenty minutes later it was done. A private doctor in New York would see us tomorrow. We'd have to drive down there, but we thought it was probably better than finding someone up here or having a car come for us. Rachel made soup for lunch and we ate in silence, occasionally talking about anything but what was really going through our heads.

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