Oreos for Breakfast: Chapter 28

Oreos For Breakfast: Chapter 32
By the Paperbag Princess and Pumpkin Coach

She was in my lap, kissing me, my hands in her hair as I devoured her. Something vibrated against my hip, and I pulled away, looking down.

My phone.

Fuck. Rachel was on my phone, not on my lap.

My girl smiled, moving her ass against my thighs. "That's fun."

"It's my phone. I… I have to go."

She pouted, starting to say something, but I pushed her away, even as my phone stopped ringing.

Fuck. What did I do? Nothing. A few drinks, a couple of kisses. It was nothing.

It was so not nothing. Even I knew that. Rachel would kill me. She should kill me. She was across town somewhere, wanting to meet me. Damnit.

The girl finally got off my lap and I smiled at her. "Sorry, baby. The phone reminded me I'm supposed to be meeting someone. It was nice. Bye."

I started towards the door, and Tony found me. "Where are you going?"

"Back to the hotel. To Rachel. Look, take care of that girl, okay? Make sure she doesn't talk."

"What, you want me to make sure she sleeps with the fishes?"

I rolled my eyes. "No. Just… distract her. Tell her I'll sue her. Whatever. Take care of it."

Where was Frank when I needed him? Frank knew how to take care of these things.

I didn't have time to worry about it now. I needed to get back to Rachel.

"So, where are we going?" James asked, when I came back into the restaurant.

I shrugged. "He didn't answer. I'll try again in a minute." He was probably somewhere crowded and noisy and didn't get to his phone in time.

I shouldn't worry. Just because I called him after the show and he didn't want to join us for dinner, and didn't beg me to join them didn't mean anything. He was out with his friends and I'd had a great dinner with James, JC and Joey and his wife. Joey and Kelly took us to a great Italian place and we'd had a lot of food and more wine. It was fine.

My phone rang and I smiled. "Hi, bunny," I said, and Joey snickered.

Kelly whacked him. "Shut up, monkey butt."

"That's what my sister-in-law calls my oldest brother!" I said.

"What?" Nick asked in my ear, and I laughed.

"Nothing. Kelly just made me laugh. Where are you, sweetie? JC and James are gonna come with me, okay?"

"No!" he said, and I blinked at the phone. Did he suddenly not like James?

"I mean," he said, his voice sweet, "I'm in a cab on my way back to the hotel. I want to be with you, buttercup. Just you."

I grinned. "That was the right answer. James and JC can go somewhere gay, then."

James stuck his tongue out at me, making me giggle.

"I'm not far from the hotel, so I'll be there soon."

"Great," he said. "Love you."

"You too." I hung up and smiled at James. "He's on his way back to the hotel."

James smiled back at me. "Good. I knew he'd come around."

James was the one telling me to leave him a couple of weeks ago. So he wasn't exactly thinking that Nick would come around.

JC looked at him. "You did not!" he said. "You said-"

"I didn't say anything," James said, talking over his boyfriend. "I love Nick. Nick is great. I knew he'd be good to her again."

I exchanged a look with JC. "He hates to be wrong. I hate to eat and run, guys, but I have a horny boyfriend to deal with."

"Ew!" Joey said, covering his ears. "I don't want to think about Nick Carter that way."

"I do," Kelly said, sighing. "He's hot."

"Hey!"

I left them to their bickering. I wanted to see my boyfriend.

It had taken forever to get back to the hotel. I wasn't even sure where I was when I stumbled out of the club, just found a cab and gave the driver the address. He probably took a super long route, knowing I was a tourist.

I shoved some money at him and got out around the back of the hotel. I did not want to deal with any fans. There was a mirror in the elevator, and I checked my face for signs of lipstick. Nothing.

Good. Rachel didn't need to know. It would be okay. This was stupid, and I was going to make it up to her.

Walking into the room, I called out for her, but she wasn't back yet. Good. I sat on the couch, taking a deep breath. This was okay. It would be fine. She'd be here in a minute and I'd make love to her and she would never know about that girl.

The door opened and I jumped up. She smiled when she saw me, her whole face lighting up.

I was a shit.

"Hi," she said, coming over to me. "I would have come out with you. I was looking forward to it."

I pulled her into my arms. "I just wanted to be with you. I'm sorry, I should have come to dinner."

"It was fun. Great food. But I'm really happy to be here now."

She lifted her face up to me, and I kissed her. This was so much better than that girl at the club. I didn't even know her name. This was Rachel, who I loved more than anything in the world.

We broke apart, and she nuzzled my neck, kissing me. The girl had done this, hadn't she? I had déjà vu as I leaned my head back. This was better.

"What is that?" Rachel asked, her voice low and dangerous as she stepped away from me.

Shit. What did she see? Lipstick on my collar? That would be a total cliché, and totally like my stupid life.

"What?" I asked her, and she dragged me into the bathroom, shoving me in front of the mirror.

"That," she said flatly.

That was a hickey. A big stupid one on my big stupid neck.

If I ever saw that girl again, I would break her skinny legs.

It was a bruise. I'd walked into a wall. Vinnie… there had to be some way to make this Vinnie's fault!

I turned around, looking at her. "I don't…"

She didn't believe me. Lying was not going to work.

I sighed. "I guess it's a hickey."

"You guess?" I asked, so mad I could barely think.

"I… it was nothing, Rache. I had a couple too many and then this girl was on my lap and-"

I reeled back, making my way into the living room to sit down. Oh, my god. I guess I'd been expecting him to lie about it. But he just said it. There was a girl in his lap.

"Rache," he said, kneeling in front of me, and I pushed him away. I almost punched him.

"I'm sorry," he said into the silence.

"You're sorry? You're fucking sorry? I was here, Nick! I was in the same fucking city as you, waiting for you, and you were making out with someone else? What the hell are you doing when we're on opposite sides of the country?"

"Nothing! I swear!"

"Is that better? What, you saw me today and I didn't live up to your expectations, so you had to find someone who liked your stupid haircut?"

He ran a hand over his hair. "I know it's bad…"

"It's horrible! It is a fucking atrocious haircut, and if you'd just asked me for the name of someone in New York, I could have given you a dozen names of guys who would have loved to give you a decent haircut. But I suppose that fucking hairstyle really does it for the whores that hang out at- Where the fuck were you?"

"I don't know," he said. "Somewhere in the Village that Vinnie found."

"Vinnie!" I said, jumping up from the couch. "I am so sure he loved this."

"I don't think he even saw it. It was nothing, buttercup, just…"

"Don't call me that! Don't use that name right now. Ever. Fuck you!"

He was still lying on the floor where I'd pushed him, and I threw a pillow at him.

"Rachel," he said, carefully, and I started toward the door.

"Don't talk to me. I can't look at you. I'm leaving."

He tackled me at the door, pulling me down onto the floor. "Let me go!" I said, and he shook his head, pinning me to the floor.

"No. I am not letting you go." I struggled, and he leaned down, kissing me. "I wanted that, Rachel. Not anyone else."

"I was here!"

"You were out with N fucking Sync!"

"I was out with Joey and JC."

"That's N fucking Sync, Rachel. I couldn't go out with you. You should have come with me and my friends."

"I hate your friends!"

"I know. Shut up." He kissed me again, pushing his hips into mine so that I could feel his erection.

Shit. I shouldn't… we…

I moved up into his kiss, and he relaxed his hold on my arms, rolling over with me on top. I sat up, pulling off my dress and he smiled, running his hands over my body. "We shouldn't be doing this."

"Yes we should," he said. "This is much better than fighting."

I stood up. "In the bedroom. You on top." We weren't going to do this from behind, or with me on top, where we could get lost in our own worlds. I wanted to see him.

He followed me into the bedroom, covering my body with his when I laid down. He kissed me hungrily, and I wiggled beneath him, reaching for the condoms.

I didn't quite trust him. We needed the condom tonight.

He took the condom from me, pulling it on hurriedly and then sinking inside me with a groan. "I love you, Rachel."

"Don't talk. Just fuck me." I shut my eyes, concentrating on the sensations in my body. I couldn't listen to my head any longer, or I'd kill him. I needed to feel him. He was mine. All mine, always mine.

No no no no… I felt her start to shudder and shatter underneath me and then her breath caught in her throat as she looked into my eyes. I could see it. She was leaving. Her bottom lip trembled and she held onto me tighter, stopping me from moving as her orgasm overtook her. Her eyes were filled with tears and I couldn't look at her. Falling on top of her, I buried my head in her shoulder. No no no no…

Neither of us said anything, just laid there clinging to one another and catching our breath. Finally she moved, unwrapping her legs from around my waist and whispering, "Nick, I have to go."

No. Oh, god, no. What would I do if she left? How would I face anyone ever again? It was too horrible to contemplate and my brain wouldn't let me move, even if my body had wanted to.

"Nick," her trembling voice was in my ear and she pushed on my shoulders slightly. I didn't have the energy to fight and I rolled off of her, letting her sit up. She tried to stand, but fell back down on the bed, burying her head in her hands as her body shook and she gave into her tears, sobbing like someone had hurt her.

That someone was me.

God, I was such an asshole. It was only a matter of time. I was never good enough for her, was I? For brief moments I'd felt like I was, but not now. Not for a long time.

I reached forward to pull off the condom and gasped. Rachel turned and met my eyes for a moment, looking down quickly and then crying out again.

"Fuck, Nick! Not fucking again! Not ever fucking again!"

It was gone. How long had we lain there? Too long.

She was angry now, not sad, as the tears streamed down her face. She flew off the bed and ran into the bathroom and I didn't even try to follow. I was such a complete idiot. I should just let her leave. She'd be better off without me, wouldn't she?

But I wouldn't be.

I heard her slamming things around in the bathroom and then the toilet flushed. I pulled on my boxers, the silly ones I'd been wearing for luck all day. She'd gotten them for me a while ago, they had little Magic 8-Balls all over them and they reminded me of that time when I'd gotten her 8-Balls when their video premiered on TRL last summer. Tears caught in my throat and I tried to push them back down, wiping my eyes roughly. If I started crying now, I'd never stop and one of us had to be calm, right?

This couldn't be happening again, could it? No. No one has bad luck like that, right? Once was a mistake…

I heard the bathroom door open and Rachel stood there, shivering, wrapped in the hotel bathrobe. I just sat there, devouring her with my eyes. What if I was never allowed to see her again? Certainly James wouldn't let me near her if she left. If I were in his place, I wouldn't. And her brothers. Oh, god, Jon was going to kill me. The girls would hate me. They'd tell all their friends how I hurt their aunt and was an asshole and everyone would hate me, stop buying my album…

"Aren't you going to say anything?" Rachel's voice was barely a whisper and I realized that she didn't want to go. She wanted me to stop her.

"What should I say, Rache?" My voice didn't sound like my own.

He sounded so resigned. Did he want me to go this time? I didn't want to leave him and he knew it. Was the spell broken now? Had I finally become too much? Why did I freak out like that over the condom? It was nothing, probably in the bed somewhere, I'd double up on my pills and that would take care of that.

I freaked out because I had to leave. I had to. I was in the middle of my orgasm and I saw that fucking hickey on his neck that I didn't give him and I knew I couldn't trust him any longer. If he could cheat on me when I was in the same city as he was, what was he doing when we were apart? I didn't want to do this again, I did it with Jeremy and I didn't want to feel sad and jealous and angry every time he was out of my sight.

I turned away from him, opening the dresser drawer to find a pair of underwear. I stepped into them, then a shirt, shorts… I was only going to James', I didn't need a bra. My bag was in the closet and I pulled it out, not even looking at him when he said something. "What?"

"I found it. The condom. In the bed," he said, his voice still resigned and quiet.

Stop me, Nick. Please stop me. That's your job, you're the one that gets carried away by emotion, throw your arms around me and beg me to stay, convince me that I can trust you.

But instead he went into the bathroom and I stopped moving as the door closed, dropping my bag and just standing there in the middle of the room, biting my fist to muffle the sobs.

He wanted me to leave. Now he was letting me go and it was worse than I ever could have imagined. He didn't love me anymore, I was too old and too boring for him, and as much as I always knew this would happen, it hurt.

So I needed to go. I put my bag on top of the dresser, throwing things into it, not caring about wrinkles or what was dirty. I didn't want to forget anything. I didn't want to have to come back here. I was moving so fast that I slammed my finger into a drawer and screamed, kicking at it in frustration.

"Rache? What's wrong?" he called, running over to me from the bathroom, trying to help, but I pushed him away.

"You are. We are. You don't fucking care, so why ask? I'm fucking fine!"

"You are not fine. Rachel, what happened?"

He tried to touch me again, but I shoved him away and he stumbled into the wall, blinking at me. "You kissed another girl, that's what fucking happened! I'm not allowed to be in public with you, but you've got a fucking hickey the size of fucking Massachusetts and no one seems to give a damn!"

"Buttercup, it's not-"

I cut him off, moving away and stumbling into the bed. "It's huge, and I bet Vinnie just thought it was great. I'm sure he can't wait to see my reaction. Hell, I'm surprised he didn't come in here with you, to gloat that he finally got you to forget about me. Fuck, maybe that's why he didn't, because you've been doing it for months, there just wasn't any evidence before."

"No!" he yelled. "This is the first time, and it's the last, I swear. It was nothing, it didn't mean anything!"

"Well, it meant something to me," I snarled. "It… I…" My breath caught in my throat, and the next thing I knew, I was sobbing.

Damnit.

He sat next to me and I shoved him away. I managed that much. He couldn't touch me now, I'd never leave, and I had to leave. Just as soon as I caught my breath. I bent over, my arms across my stomach, crying against my knees, I couldn't even sit up any longer.

"I am so sorry, buttercup," he whispered, right in my ear, and I realized he was kneeling next to the bed, sitting near me. "I keep hurting you and I am such a shit. It didn't mean anything, I was in the middle of kissing her before I even knew what was happening and then I came right home to you. I didn't realize I had this stupid hickey until you told me. I don't remember it happening, it might just be my guilt showing through." He touched me, carefully laying his arm over my shoulders, and I didn't have the strength to shake it off. "I never meant to hurt you, Rachel. I know I did, but please forgive me. I didn't mean it."

I threw my arms around his neck and he pulled me against his body quickly, kissing my shoulder and rocking me back and forth. "I love you so much, buttercup. I'm so sorry. Don't go, please don't go. Let me make it up to you."

I was so weak. But I didn't want to go. I wanted to believe all those things he was telling me. I wanted to erase the last hour of my life and trust him again. Maybe he wasn't Jeremy or Damon. Maybe he was sorry and would stop. I had to cling to that glimmer of hope because otherwise I was going to shatter into a million pieces.

"I can't do this again, Nick," I whispered against his shoulder and he held me tighter.

"I know, buttercup. I know. I'm so sorry."

And I was. Please let her stay and I'd do anything to make it up to her. I ran my hands down her back and she shivered against me, clinging to me. I'd do anything she wanted. Just let her stop packing and stay with me.

"Sorry isn't enough, bunny." But her voice didn't sound so far away anymore and she pulled away from me, resting back against the bed. The room was still dark, just the light from the bathroom illuminating the hallway. Neither of us had been coherent enough to turn on any lights. I grabbed her hand, interlacing my fingers with hers.

"I know it's not. What else can I do? Should we go to the Point and try to talk about things? We're always better there. Or we can stay here in New York and I'll clean out Tiffany's for you."

She smiled slightly and I grinned. "Made you smile."

"Don't even joke about Tiffany's, little man. Now there's a great guitar shop in the Village, however."

"Done. How many guitars make up for one kiss?" I teased and her face fell. Damn, we weren't there yet.

Her bottom lip trembled and I pulled her back into my arms, "God, Rache, I'm sorry. Shit. Just rewind, okay? I didn't mean that. Nothing makes up for it, I know that. I do." I was pleading now and she nodded against my shoulder.

"Bunny, I'm so tired," she sighed, her voice still unsteady. "I can't do this now."

I pulled away, standing up and offering her my hand. She took it, standing up carefully..

"Are you okay?"

She stepped out of her shorts and smiled up at me, "No. But I just need sleep." She fell back into the bed and looked up at me, patting the space beside her.

"Are you sure?" I wasn't taking any chances. If she wanted me to sleep in the hallway I would. I knew she'd wake up in the morning and see that thing on my neck again and we'd start fighting. I just knew it.

She nodded and I climbed into bed beside her, not bothering to take off my shorts. There'd be no sex now and that was okay. I just needed her in my arms. I could make this all better. I had to.

Tomorrow. We'd talk tomorrow and I'd let him make it all better. He climbed into bed, his tall frame stretched out against my back and I snuggled up against him. I loved sleeping with him. Just sleeping. He'd pull me close to his body and somewhere in the middle of the night we'd pull apart and then find each other again. We always found each other.

I didn't want to think that this was the end. I didn't want to think about waking up in the morning and seeing that thing on his neck and knowing I hadn't done that to him.

Tears fell down my cheeks and he held me tighter, whispering softly in my ear, "Buttercup, don't cry. Please, baby. It's going to be okay. I love you. I do."

I couldn't find my voice, just nodded as he went on, whispering in my ear until I fell asleep.

No way in hell I was sleeping tonight. She'd been out for at least an hour and I stayed still, just watching her sleep. Her eyelids flickered as she dreamt, and her breathing was even. I could feel her chest rising and falling against my arm, and I leaned down, kissing to top of her head the way I'd done so many times before.

I could never sleep like this with anyone else. With all my other girlfriends and lovers, we'd pull apart after the standard post-sex cuddling time and then wake in the morning, entrenched on our sides of the bed. But not Rachel.

Everything in my life seemed to have changed since she came into it. Sometimes, I wondered if that was a good thing or not.

Vinnie certainly didn't think so. Tonight he'd been on me again. I was 22 and rich and famous, why should I be tied down? I was going to be old and boring before my time, just like Brian.

Maybe he was right. After all, if she hadn't gotten the abortion earlier this year, I'd be exactly like Brian, wouldn't I? I'd be the first Backstreet dad, beating he and Leighanne by a month. Our son or daughter would have come into this world with Rachel's smile and maybe my eyes. She said she wasn't ready, but I knew that wasn't right. I wasn't ready. We weren't. She'd told me when we first met that she was old and boring, she wanted to settle down and have a family one day.

Did I want that?

A chill ran down my spine and I shivered. Rachel cuddled back against me, her arm reaching over and running slowly along my arm. She wasn't awake, was she? I looked down and her eyes were still closed, her breathing even.

"Buttercup?"

No response. Her eyes didn't even flicker. She was so tired. I knew that. It had been a rough summer for her, too. Recording wasn't going well. She didn't have time to be running all over the world following me. But I'd wanted her there with me when this all happened. I could have never done this album without her. No way in hell.

Vinnie was right. Everything was different with Rachel, but in a good way. It had to be, right? This was okay. I wasn't going to wake up in a year and regret not acting like a wild 22 year old. Not everyone needed that.

"Rachel, I love you," I whispered against her ear, feeling her sigh as my lips touched her earlobe. I could do this. We'd be fine. At this moment, she was all I needed.

"Me, too. God, so much," she whispered back, her eyes never opening. I don't even think she was awake. Not really.

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