Oreos for Breakfast: Chapter 28

Oreos For Breakfast: Chapter 32
By the Paperbag Princess and Pumpkin Coach

There were fans outside the hotel, of course, since every hotel was full of people from the awards. I smiled and signed things that were shoved in front of me, but I didn't talk to anyone and just shook my head when anyone wanted a picture. I didn't want to think that any of this might be immortalized forever in someone's photo album.

There would be pictures of the side of my face as I signed things in someone's scrapbook, and years from now, she would show it to her friends or her kids and say, "This was the night I met Rachel from Sudden Silence. They'd won two VMAs that night, and it was the best night of my life."

It sure as fuck wasn't the best night of my life.

Nick and I were quiet on the ride up to his room in the elevator, and when we got inside, I went to the closet, pulling out my suitcase.

"What are you doing?"

"Call Paris and tell her you want to go to that really hot party. You can bring her back here when you're done, I'll be gone."

"Stop it. You know you're not going anywhere."

"Try me." I went into the bathroom, getting my stuff from there. I didn't want to have to come back, or ask him to get me stuff.

I zipped my cosmetics bag and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. No wonder he didn't want me. I looked old and miserable and cranky. All we did was fight, when he wanted to be having fun.

Maybe he needed someone like this Paris girl. She looked like the partying type.

I went back into the bedroom and threw my cosmetics bag in my suitcase. I didn't have much stuff. I'd left most of it at James' apartment this morning. It seemed like a lifetime ago that Nick's voice has woken me up and I'd been happier than I'd remembered in a long time. Happier than I wanted to admit that his mere presence could make me.

That's why I had to leave this time.

"Do you like her?"

"Who? What?"

He was confused, just watching me pack. That was good. It was easier that way. I didn't want him to stop me.

For the first time all summer, I really wanted to leave. If he stopped me, it would just start this ridiculous cycle all over again, and couldn't do it again.

"Paris. Do you like her?"

"She was nice."

I pulled some t-shirts out of the dresser, and tucked them in my bag. "Do you think she's pretty?"

"Yeah," he said, like it was obvious.

"Okay."

Jeans. I had shoes here somewhere, didn't I?

"Don't you think she's pretty?" he asked, still not doing much more than watching me as I packed my things.

"I think she looks like everyone else. I forget, sometimes, that she's your type."

"What do you mean?"

I tossed my hair out of my eyes, looking at him. He still hadn't moved. "Blond. Tall. Skinny. Stupid. I forget that I'm totally against type for you." I shrugged. "I guess you can consider me the experiment that failed. Enjoy your blondes."

"Rache, I'm sorry. It was nothing, just a little flirting. You do it, too."

"Not when you're around. When I'm with you, I only look at you."

He couldn't even argue with me. He knew it was true. Maybe sometimes I'd flirt with one of our friends, but never random guys. Never.

I sat on the bed, zipping my bag. "And you used to just look at me, but now I feel lucky if I can get you alone for an hour."

He sat on the chair across from the bed, considering me. "Well, I…" he started, but I didn't want to hear it.

"You don't care. You just… you don't. That's okay. Whatever. I get it. I'll go, and you can go and date as many blondes as you want."

"No!" he yelled. "It can't… I… I know I've fucked up. I can feel myself doing it and I just ignore it because it's easier that way."

"Sorry it's so difficult to be with me." I snipped, feeling myself growing angrier with every word he said.

"It is!"

We were both silenced by that.

"It is," he said. "Being with you is the hardest thing I've ever done."

I considered him for a moment. "I know I'm a pain in the ass," I said.

"You are," he said, smiling. "But it's one of the reasons I love you."

"Am I asking for too much? Should I just be happy with what you can give me?"

"No," he said, running his hand through his too-short hair. "Because I haven't been able to give you much, and you deserve… everything."

"I wish I could be the girl that follows you around wherever you need to be and never complains." I did. Part of me still wanted to melt when I looked at him, remembering the sweet Nick I'd fallen in love with last summer. The Nick that couldn't get enough of me and made me feel like the queen of the prom.

I hadn't seen that Nick in a long time.

"I don't. Then you wouldn't be Rachel."

I sighed. "James tells me I'm not very Rachel lately."

"You're not," he said, his voice sad. "I know I did that to you."

"I let you. Maybe… we need to be apart for a while. We both need to figure out what we want. Away from each other."

He considered my idea and I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of my lungs as I saw him as he nodded slowly, not quite meeting my eyes. "Okay. A month?"

"Six."

My heart stopped. Six months without Rachel? I could do a month, maybe. We'd done two weeks, sometimes even three, without seeing one another.

But six months?

She saw the look on my face. "A month is nothing. We can get through that without even trying. No, we really need to be apart. Find out how we are on our own."

"I know that. I'm a big jerk without you in my life."

"I've been in your life and you've been a big jerk lately."

I scowled at her. It was true, but…

"I can't do this for one more minute," she said. "I can't fight with you, and make up, and hope that things will be good again, and then wait for phone calls that never come. Maybe I'm being incredibly selfish by not accepting what you can give me right now, but… I can't."

"I can do better. I'm trying, Rache."

"I know. I know you are. You're here, and you weren't supposed to be, and you pissed off everyone on your team by being here. But… look at where that ended up, Nick. You were flirting with someone else while I was in the same room. We're not good together anymore, baby."

"But what if you find someone you are good with?" I whispered, attempting to be as pathetic as possible. If she stayed mad, this would never work.

Her expression softened as she looked at me. "He wouldn't be you," she whispered and I leaned over, kissing her, pushing her back on the bed.

She whimpered underneath me and I knew I'd won. She wasn't going anywhere. Six months. Who was she kidding? She was just trying to scare me, and it worked. I'd have to be more careful from now on.

She moaned slightly as I nibbled at her neck, and I smiled. "I knew I'd win," I joked.

She moved away from me so fast she was across the room before I knew she was gone. "This! This is what I mean! This isn't about fucking winning, Nick!"

I sat up, looking at her. "You don't want to leave me, Rache."

She threw a glass at me, and I ducked. It hit the wall and bounced off, thankfully. "Of course I don't. I love you. God knows why, but I do. But I don't like you much anymore. You have become infuckingsufferable lately. You never call, you never come to see me, when I come to see you, you can barely be bothered."

I tried to protest, but I couldn't. I had been selfish. "I'll be better. You scared me. I believed you this time." I held out a hand to her. "Come back here, gorgeous." Sex would fix this.

Sex had fixed a lot of fights this summer.

But she picked up her bag, glaring at me. "Fuck six months. Take your entire life."

The room spun as I looked at her. She couldn't be serious. "You haven't even given me a chance to try!" I whined, sounding like a child.

"Oh please. This cannot be news to you. We fight every other day, Nick, about the same fucking things. It's over. I can only take so much. I've given you a million chances, and I'm leaving before you cheat on me again."

"I wouldn't…"

"But you want to."

The room was silent. I thought about protesting, but she wouldn't listen.

It was true, anyway. As I gave Paris my number tonight, I'd already been plotting how I could see her without Rachel knowing. I was a complete shit.

She turned back to me, shouldering her bag. "God, you can't even pretend it's not true. Fine. Have a nice life."

I beat her to the door, throwing myself against it. It couldn't end this way. If she walked out this door I had no hope of keeping her in my life. "What happened to six months?" Did I just say that? Three minutes ago six months was going to kill me. "Is that my only choice? Six months or forever?"

I held my breath as she considered me for a long, long moment. Finally some of the anger left her eyes and she nodded. "That's your choice."

"I don't like that choice. How about we sit down and talk and I'll be better?" I could be better. I loved her more than anything. Sometimes it was just easier to forget that.

She shook her head. "I don't trust you. No matter what you tell me, I don't trust you. Not now."

"Why?" I slid down the door, shaking. Was it that bad? What had I done? Why did she feel so far away when she was standing right next to me? "I haven't done anything, Rache, I swear to you."

She sat down across from me, in the tiny hallway next to the door. "I know. A couple weeks ago it was just kissing a girl. Tonight it was just exchanging a number with a new 'friend.' But I don't know how long that will be true."

"Forever."

She raised an eyebrow at me. "I don't want to sleep with anyone else, Nick. It honestly never crosses my mind. I flirt with guys. You know that. But I love you and I only want to be with you. I used to know that you felt the same way about me, but … I don't anymore."

I looked at her and she was crying again, her heart breaking, I could see it. I did that. I broke her heart. Again.

I was such a lousy fucking boyfriend.

"I want your undivided attention again, Nick. I loved that. I loved the way you looked at me. I can't go on just hoping for it."

"You have it, Rache. You're my whole world, you know that."

I reached out for her, and she shook her head, moving away. "I don't know that. I used to, and I want to know it again, but I don't feel it now." Her voice broke, and she looked away. "Take the six months. Please."

"I don't want six months! I want now! Rachel, I love you!"

"I can't give you now! I just can't!"

"Why?" I pleaded, not caring if I was begging. I couldn't let her go, not for a minute.

"Because you're killing me! I've been here before, Nick, and I'm not doing it again. I'm not going to stay here, wishing and hoping that you'll love me again."

"I do love you!"

Her eyes met mine. "Not the way I want you to. Maybe I'm just being selfish. I don't know. But I can't do this anymore."

I couldn't look at her any longer. I knew that look in her eyes. I wasn't going to win this one. She was leaving. No matter what I said or did, I couldn't change her mind. Why should she? I was a shit. Yet again, I'd fucked up the best thing that ever happened to me. She was better off without me. She knew it, and I knew it.

We were quiet for a long time. I should just let her go. I should let her go and find that stockbroker she always wanted and settle down and have gorgeous children.

My heart caught in my throat. If she hadn't had that abortion, we'd have a baby right now. Or soon.

I so wasn't ready for kids. I had years before I was ready. She was ready. How long was she going to wait for me?

"What happens in six months?" I asked quietly, wiping my tears away and looking at her.

She rummaged in her bag and handed me a tissue, taking one for herself. I wanted to throw myself into her arms and sob. "I… I don't really know. We meet somewhere and figure it out."

I hadn't thought that far. I just didn't want it to be so… final. I suspected in six months he'd find a nice girl to follow him around, or decide he was better as a bachelor, or run off to Vegas and marry that Paris girl. But I could hope for six months. Maybe if I didn't see him for that long, I'd get over him and the hope would help me get over him.

It was a stupid idea, I knew that, but just walking out might kill me.

"Don't get married and have babies," he pleaded, and I smiled at him.

"It's six months, hon. Not six years."

"Still…" he protested. "Promise me in six months you'll let me have a chance."

"You too, then. Let me have a little hope for six months."

"Rache!" His voice broke. "You can have me right now! Six months or six years isn't going to change that."

"It might. You don't know."

"I do. I've always known. No one has ever believed me, especially you, but I know you're it."

He meant it, too, every word, his blue eyes trapping me with their intensity. He meant it right now, but I knew as sure as I knew my own name that in another week he'd be back to resenting me when that stupid blonde called him or Vinnie and Tony called him a pussy for going back to the room alone while they got to bag his cast-offs.

"Well, if I'm it, I'll still be it in…" I had to think when six months was up. "In March."

"When in March? Give me a day to count down to."

I shook my head. "You can't spend this time pining for me, or it won't work. Go and live your life and do whatever you want. You might find you're happier without worrying about me all the time."

He drew his knees up to his chest, resting his chin on them and considering me. Why were we still sitting on the floor under bad overhead lights? "Turn that off."

"What?" he questioned.

"The light. It's giving me a headache." I had a headache, true, but not from the light. Still, he reached up and flicked off the light, and now we were in shadows. I suppose we could have moved, but he was talking to me, considering this, and I didn't want to ruin it. And we had our best talks in the dark sometimes.

And in the tub, we had great talks in the tub… was I never going to wash his hair again?

I covered my eyes with my hand, blinking back tears. This wasn't forever. It was just half a year. We'd miss Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and his birthday, and the anniversary of the abortion… would I be able to make it through that without him? I had to. It wasn't fair to freak him out with that.

"March sixth."

I had confused him again. "What? Why?" But he got it. I didn't even need to say it.

That was the day I'd had the abortion. So either that day would continue to suck forever, or we'd make something good out of it.

We had so made the right decision about the abortion. I was glad for that.

"Where? Can I call you the day before and we'll plan it?"

"The Westin Bonaventure in L.A." I don't know why that came into my mind, but it did. "It has this great bar up at the top. Like… seven."

He smiled at me and my heart melted. I loved that 'Rachel, you're a freak' smile of his. "It's a date. I'll be there, and I'll have it all out of my system, and I'll woo you back to me."

"You have to take notes on what you do. I'll want to know everything. No secrets hanging over us."

He nodded. "Promise. I don't know what I'll do, Rache. I can probably get it all out of my system in six weeks."

I laughed, leaning back against my wall. "No, that's not long enough. We need to see how we do apart from one another."

"You've given this a lot of thought."

"It was James' idea, actually." And when he first suggested it, I couldn't even consider it. Now it was the smartest thing I'd ever heard.

"Of course it was," he said bitterly and I shook my head.

"I'm not going to apologize for talking to my best friend about this. It was a good idea. Without him, it would just be over."

I could go to James. Who was Nick going to turn to when I walked out that door?

Sniffling back tears, he ran a hand through his hair. "I'm so sorry, Rache."

"I know, bunny. I am, too. But I don't know how else to make it better."

We just looked at one another sadly for a long time, and then he held out a hand to me. "Do we get to have goodbye sex?"

I smiled, but shook my head. "I can't. I'm too emotional. I'll just fall apart."

He nodded, moving over to me. "Let me kiss you. Please, " he whispered, and I leaned up, kissing him carefully. I could feel a sob in my throat as our lips touched. This might be the last time…

Moving away from me, I could see that he was thinking the same thing as he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, letting his finger trail across my face.

"I love you, Rachel Connor. Nothing's going to change that, ever."

I leaned my head against his chest, breathing him in. "I love you back. Always."

He kissed my hair, breathing against me. "Then don't go," he whispered.

"I have to. I don't want this to become even more horrible. Maybe we can start over in March."

"We will. I'm not going anywhere."

I wrapped my arms around him, holding him tightly, trying to memorize the feel of him. I was going to miss him, every minute, every day. I was going to miss everything about him. Even the bad things.

After a moment, I made myself let him go, standing up. "I have to go."

My heart stopped. What was I going to do when she walked out that door? "It's two in the morning. Where are you going to go?"

"James." Of course.

She picked up her bag, and I jumped up.

"Wait. Stop!" She did, turning around, her hand on the doorknob. "March sixth, 7 o'clock, the Westin Bonaventure."

"Yes," she answered quietly.

"No contact until then?"

Sighing, she shook her head.

"Letters? How about letters?" I couldn't do it. I couldn't not see her or talk to her or hear from her for six months.

She considered it for a second, and then shook her head again. "No. A clean break is better."

"What… what if something terrible happens? What if someone dies, or the World Trade Centers fall down again?"

She leaned against the doorframe, giving me that funny little half-smile that I loved, the one that meant she was indulging me.

Then indulge me and don't leave!

"Then we can call. I might change my cell phone number, but you know where to find me. My mom's had the same number my entire life, you can always call her to get to me."

She had all my cell numbers. I'd have to make sure to keep at least one of them the same for the next six months.

I nodded, reluctantly. I didn't have any other questions. I couldn't keep her here any longer.

She turned the doorknob and I blurted out "I love you!" before I could stop myself. She stopped, kissing my cheek quickly, and I managed not to grab her to me.

Then she was gone. I leaned my forehead against the door, straining to hear the elevator. When I heard the 'ping' of the bell, I burst into tears, stumbling into the bedroom and sobbing.

To be continued...

Tell me lies / Slap me on the face
Just improvise / Do something
Really clever / That'll make me hate
Your name forever

You might swear / You'd never
Touch a lady / Well, let me say
You're not too far / From maybe
Every day you find / New ways to hurt me

But I can't help it / If I'm just a fool
Always having my heart / Set on you
--Shakira, "Fool"

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