Oreos For
Breakfast: Chapter 34
By the Paperbag Princess and
Pumpkin Coach
Chapter Added
10.29.06
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Shit. There he was. I didn't want it to be like this, in the middle of a million people. I didn't want to see him at all, really. Or maybe I wanted to see him so badly I couldn't even breathe when he was right in front of me.
He glanced up from his conversation with Anna and saw me, and it was too late to hide. Everything stopped for a second when I met his eyes, just like in the movies. He was so surprised he couldn't hide anything, and my heart broke just looking at him.
At least I knew he still loved me. It was obvious. His eyes were so hungry and hopeful. He stepped toward me and I felt myself pulled back as someone took my arm.
"This way, Rachel," James said firmly as he swiftly redirected me down the hallway to our dressing room.
Looking back, I saw Nick moving after me, but then Anna stopped him and the commotion swirled around us.
"I told you to stagger the schedule, Lola! Did you think I was kidding?"
James' disgusted voice rang in my ears and I forced myself to stop listening. Nick still loved me. That was something, right? Two months down, and he didn't fall in love with some blonde bimbo the way I'd feared.
He might be dating Paris Hilton, but he still loved me.
"Sorry, Rachel." Lola was standing in front of me, and I waved her away.
"It's okay. Can I get some coffee?" Even though it was afternoon, I was still feeling the affects of two weeks of shows. I'd never quite caught up with my sleep after being out all night with Bailey in Philadelphia last week. Was it just last week? I couldn't remember any more.
"Nick will be done with his performance half way through the show and…" she stopped talking as she saw the look on my face.
"He's performing?"
She nodded. "I thought you knew. He's performing like halfway through and then you're closing."
Oh. That was… I'd never seen him do any of his solo material live. He'd played me songs and I'd seen him in the studio, but it wasn't the same. Performing your stuff for a real audience was something else entirely.
"I want to watch."
"No!" James immediately barked and then turned to Lola. "I told you this was a bad idea, Lola."
I stood up, finding my voice and anger at the same time. "Just stop it, all of you! I am not some fragile doll that's about to break. Jesus! I can handle this. You don't have to keep me away from Nick fucking Carter, okay? I'm an adult. He's an adult. Just… stop!"
As I said the words I started to believe them, even if no one else in room did. I was an adult. I'd created the terms of this break up and Nick had accepted them. He might have protested that night, but he'd been enjoying himself these last couple of months. At least once a week his boards lit up with conversations about some new girl he was seen with. And she was always the polar opposite of me- blonde and tall and vapid. He was reverting back to type and I had to accept that. After all, I was the one who had pushed him there, wasn't I?
"Go talk to her. Tell her I want five minutes."
I knew I was begging because Anna gave me that look she had. That 'you are such a stupid boy' look that I'd grown so accustomed to seeing the last couple of months. It was actually very close to her 'you're a spoiled pop star who's used to getting his way' look. I was really used to that one by now.
"She's just going to say no."
"Anna," I whined and I could see that she was cracking. "At least go say hello. Rachel likes you. You talk to her, I'm not an idiot."
"Debatable, popstar. But like you said, you got me in the divorce."
"Ha fuckin' ha. Just… shit, here comes Cynthia. I gotta go be nice to the fans. Please?"
She rolled her eyes, but left me as Cynthia approached, cell phone pressed to one ear. "You'd better believe I won't forget this!" She snapped her phone closed and smiled at me apologetically, "Sorry, Nick. That wasn't supposed to happen. She's closing the show with Gwen and Shirley. I didn't think she'd be here this early."
I shrugged, putting on my best game face. I was getting really good at that with everyone. But seeing Rachel had thrown me. I just wasn't expecting it. "It's cool, Cynthia. She's with her band and I don't have to see her again, right?"
"Nope. We'll get you out of here as soon as your segment is over. We have some contest winners for you to meet - you up for it?"
"Absolutely! Any cute blondes?"
"Did the punkass send you?" I heard James' voice after there was a knock on the door. Was the drama never going to end? The cute makeup artist commanded me to keep my eyes shut and stop biting my lip. Guess it made it hard to make me beautiful when I was chewing on my lip, huh?
But I was nervous and they insisted on painting my nails. Didn't matter that I had to play guitar in a bit and they were just going to get all fucked up.
Last week, Gwen had caught me screwing around with her song 'Ex-Girlfriend' and the next thing I knew, I was doing an acoustic set with her and Shirley every night. It was supposed to be a one-off where I did a No Doubt song, Shirley did one of ours and Gwen did Garbage, but the crowd reaction was huge, so we kept it.
Now I was doing 'Ex-Girlfriend' on TRL's 1000th episode special. Gwen freaking Stefani and Shirley fucking Manson were my back-up singers.
My life got more surreal by the moment. Not the least of which was having Nick somewhere in this building. One of the reasons we'd broken up was because I wanted to do this tour and here I was practically rubbing his nose in our success.
If he even stayed to see it.
Whatever. I didn't really want him to watch me doing this bitter break-up song.
I heard a laugh and smiled to myself. Anna. Was this is the rock star equivalent of passing a note in study hall? Did I get to meet him by the lockers after fourth period?
I cracked myself up and the stylist let out a sigh. "Fine, you're done!"
Opening my eyes, I smiled up at him. "Sorry, I'm a really bad Barbie!"
"Anna!" I was out of the chair before I finished the last syllable.
"But she's from the enemy camp," James joked as Anna hugged me.
"Hush! I know why she's really here. You don't honestly think I'm going to meet with Nick, do you?"
She shook her head. "Lord, no! But I do know you'll introduce me to Gwen and Shirley if I promise not to fawn too badly."
"Come on, I fawn all the time. They're used to it!"
Anna actually did better than I had the first time I'd met my idols. I was impressed. And now we had five minutes while Nick did his on camera promos and interview before she had to go out for the live performance. I kept getting distracted by his voice on the television in the corner.
"Want me to turn that off?" Anna asked and I shook my head.
"I should be able to hear his voice without it tearing me up inside. Eventually."
"Why are you doing this?" Anna asked, her voice serious for the first time since she'd come into the room.
"It was bad, Anna. You know that. We were descending into that melodramatic spiral. He wanted out."
"He loves you, you know."
I shook my head, "But I don't just want him to love me. I want to be everything to him. Maybe it's more than he can give me."
She was quiet and I felt like we could both hear my heart beating. Anna knew Nick better than almost anyone. If she agreed with me then maybe it was really over. Six months or not.
"No. I just think he needs to figure out how. You know relationships aren't his strong suit, Rachel. But he's my friend and I love him. I have to believe he can change."
"We shouldn't be having this conversation. That's why I didn't call you back. I have to try to move on and so does he. That's what the six months is about. We both need to remember what it's like to be without each other. That way we'll know whether this is something that's worth doing or not."
"That's a little fucked up, you know?"
I smiled at that. "Well, I couldn't just say goodbye forever. I want to believe he can change, too. Even though there's no evidence of that yet. Paris? Really?"
She laughed. "You know, you really shouldn't be reading his boards."
"They're sort of my crutch! James says the same thing. But you get really useful information on them."
"Those girls are stalkers, Rache. Seriously, he's not as bad as they make it out to be. Sure, there are girls. He's got Vinnie picking them out."
We shared a scowl at that.
"And Paris? I doubt they'll hold each other's attention for more than five minutes. She's chasing him now because he's traveling so much they never see each other. Once they're in the same place at the same time for more than a day, it'll be over."
That shouldn't make me as happy as it did.
She shook her head, "Wanna know why Nick can't sustain a relationship? Because his role models are shit. That family lives on the drama. I'm surprised he's as well adjusted as he is."
"I attribute it all to Kevin."
"Well?" I asked as soon as Anna stepped on stage to tune her bass. She'd been gone for a long time. I didn't know if that was good or bad. Knowing Rachel, they'd probably spent the entire time laughing about me and how stupid I was.
"Did Vinnie tune this thing? The boy is tone-deaf. I need to write a real bass tech into my contract for the tour. Remind me of that."
"Very funny. No, some TRL dude did. So how'd it go? Can I talk to her?" Anna didn't look up from re-tuning her bass. She was a freak about the tuning thing. Just like Rachel. "Annabelle…"
"Don't even, Nicholas Gene!"
That at least made her look at me. She hated her real name and I knew it'd get a reaction. "Tell me or I'll go on air and specifically thank the best bassist in the world, Annabelle Louise…"
Her hand was over my mouth, but we were both laughing. "Okay. What do you think, superstar? No five minutes. But I think she's going to watch the performance. That's something."
Not the something I wanted, though. I wanted five minutes to hear her laugh and feel her in my arms. I'd almost forgotten what her kisses tasted like. When we first split up, I'd be able to remember what her body felt like next to mine as I drifted off to sleep, but lately I had to really concentrate to remember. In another month I wouldn't remember anything.
"C'mon, Nick. They're her rules. I'll tell you a secret, though." I leaned toward her as I heard the director starting to count us down from commercial. "She was jealous about Paris."
Jealous? Did that mean she still loved me? Otherwise why would she care? Yes! She still loved me. I knew it! I didn't have time to think about it more as the director counted us in and before I knew it we were live and I was singing, all too aware that somewhere in this building Rachel was watching me.
I couldn't take my eyes off the screen as everyone in the dressing room ran around and Carson introduced Nick performing for the first time without the Backstreet Boys. I should be out there, standing next to him and cheering him on. Even if I wasn't going to leave with him, I could still support him. I'd been there as he recorded this song and fought with the record company and producers so that it sounded like he wanted it to.
I snuck out of the dressing room before James could stop me, following the sound of the music into the main room. Nick was jumping up and down on the chorus. He was having so much fun, singing his heart out and leaning over so that the girls in the front row could touch his fingertips. Such a tease.
He was so into the song that I doubted he'd notice me back here watching him, but Anna saw. Damn. But she knew. As much as I said we shouldn't see each other, this wasn't an accident that I was here when he was. I should be here. No matter what had happened, I should be here when he performed this song for the first time in front of his fans.
And they loved it. They were singing along, swaying with the beat and loving every moment of it.
As he got to the chorus he looked over their heads and our eyes locked for a moment. I knew I should turn away and run. But I couldn't move, transfixed by his bright blue eyes and the words coming from his lips.