Oreos for Breakfast: Chapter 34

Oreos For Breakfast: Chapter 34
By the Paperbag Princess and Pumpkin Coach

Was that my Rachel? I'd seen them play larger venues with 'Nsync, but their reception was nothing like this. She couldn't even sing because the crowd was going nuts.

"Told you, superstar." Anna laughed, smiling broadly and screaming along with the thousands of fans around us. Cynthia had come through with tenth row seats for Anna and me - well, I told her Anna and Tony were going otherwise there'd be a press person following my every move as Cynthia and Jive figured out how they could spin this to their advantage.

I wasn't so sure that the mix up in our arrival time yesterday at TRL was entirely an accident. Cynthia acted all pissed off, but I knew she'd do just about anything for publicity. Well, I guess that was her job.

"I know! I'm the one who told her she'd be big, you know! I believed in her!" I screamed, stopping myself from adding more as someone nearby shot me a dirty look. Clearly not a Sudden Silence fan. I was a little afraid that the magic ball cap of invisibility wouldn't do its job and they'd throwing beer bottles at me if I were spotted here. I was never liked in the Sudden Silence camp, but since we broke up… it was nasty.

Rachel pulled on a bright pink guitar and smiled as she stepped up the mic. She couldn't see me, could she? I didn't want that, it would probably fuck up her performance. I almost lost it yesterday when I'd seen her standing in the back of the TRL studio.

"Hey! Is that a Hello Kitty guitar?"

Anna smiled and nodded. "Yep! Isn't it great? Jeremy gave it to her."

"Fucker!" I yelled, causing another dirty glance from the girl in front of us. What? Anna could talk but I couldn't? Bitch.

"Don't worry. I think maybe he had it made for her or something…"

Like that's better? Why didn't I ever think of doing that?

"Like buying her a Hello Kitty guitar would have changed things?" Anna said.

"It's freaky how you can read my mind, you know."

I couldn't talk any longer as the band launched into "3 Small Words," Rachel singing "I'm a punk-rock prom queen…"

This was a bad idea. Why was I here? I'd been there when she wrote this song. She'd given me an acapella performance that night, dancing around our hotel room. Now it was a hit, and she was singing it to thousands of people who knew all the words, singing along with her while she played a Hello Kitty guitar that Jeremy had given her.

What had she done with the acoustic guitar I'd given her? Anna had told me how Rachel and Shirley and Gwen were doing an acoustic set every night of break-up songs.

That was for me, right? It had to be. Cynthia had gotten me a tape of the show yesterday so that I could watch back my performance, but I'd just watched Rachel singing No Doubt's "Ex-Girlfriend" over and over again. It was amazing. She'd taken an angry pop song and made it a sweet, sad ballad.

That had to be me. She'd be happy to see me when I went backstage and gave her the present I had for her. I knew she would be. I'd seen her watching me during my performance yesterday, and I knew she still loved me.

She had to.

Anna whacked me, bringing me back to the present, and I concentrated on watching Rachel. She hadn't changed. She was still sexy and amazing onstage, laughing with her band, loving every minute she was up there.

Too soon, the lights went up, and I turned to Anna. "When's the Ex-Girlfriend set?"

"They don't always play 'Ex-Girlfriend.' They probably won't, since they did it yesterday on TRL and now everyone's seen it."

Good. I wasn't sure if I could handle watching that again.

"Anyway, when is it?"

"Later. Like, halfway through No Doubt's set."

"Then let's get a beer."

"And miss Shirley fucking Manson? No."

"Who is she again?"

Anna rolled her eyes. "Philistine. You're watching their set. You'll understand once you see her."

Anna was always right. I had to remember that. Shirley Manson was one of the sexiest women I'd ever seen, and I didn't like redheads. I didn't even remember we were here to see Rachel until the lights came up.

That was okay. Even though I was here to tell Rachel I would love her forever, I could look at another woman. Even Rachel thought Shirley Manson was hot. She'd told me so.

Anna allowed me a drink during the break before No Doubt's set, and we raced back to our seats when we heard the crowd shrieking. They'd liked Sudden Silence and Garbage, but this was crazy.

Gwen Stefani was pretty hot, too. This should be the 'hot babes' tour.

Okay, maybe I'd had too many beers during the break.

I knew I'd definitely had too much to drink when stage lights went down and Rachel appeared at the front of the stage on a stool, holding an acoustic guitar.

Not mine. Did she hate me so much she couldn't use that guitar? She loved that guitar. It was one of the best presents I'd ever given her.

Or did she love me so much that she couldn't bear to look at it? That was a better answer. Definitely.

The screams got louder as Gwen and Shirley took seats on either side of her, and Rachel smiled at them, leaning into the mic. The crowd stilled as she spoke.

"I'll let all you internet geeks out there figure this one out tomorrow."

She strummed a few chords, nothing I recognized, but Anna started shrieking.

"Ani."

"I should have known. Rachel loves her."

"She writes the best kick ass breakup songs."

Yeah, this wasn't good. Even though Gwen was singing, Shirley and Rachel were doing harmony, and I knew that Rachel still meant it. Especially the chorus of 'fuck you and your untouchable face.'

Gwen's voice rang in my ears and I couldn't watch anymore. Suddenly my head was spinning. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I'd heard their set what practically every night since the tour started. So why does it resonate tonight?

But I knew the answer to that. Because every blond man was Nick tonight. I knew that was dumb and he wasn't here, but still… Maybe I wanted it to be him? Maybe I really wanted to come off stage tonight and see him there in the wings, cheering me on and forcing me to take him back.

I couldn't even look out into the crowd much during our acoustic set. I knew he was still in the New York area, doing promo. It would be possible for him to be at our show, and I didn't want to know.

Damn, I really felt like I was going to faint now. Gwen's voice sounded so far away. I fell back against the wall and slid down slowly, giving in to the panic rising in my chest.

I didn't wish for a mistake. No. We'd done the right thing and the whole thing had to go back to that locked part of my mind again. That's where Nick belonged now, not haunting my every thought.

Shit. What the hell was I doing?

"Rachel? Are you okay?"

I looked up and Shirley was standing above me. "Damn, you are really tall, you know that?"

She smiled at me warmly and slid down the wall next to me, digging a tissue out of her pocket and handing it to me. "Your mascara is running. Again."

I sniffed and wiped my eyes. "Thanks. You'd think a big rock star like me would learn to use waterproof mascara, huh?"

"It's a bitch to get off, though."

I nodded and then leaned my head back against the concrete wall. It was cool and felt good. The band went on to the next song in the set and I felt my heart rate returning to normal.

"So…..?" She was looking at me again. Damn, I wasn't going to shake this one off, was I? "Was he here tonight?"

I shook my head. "No. He wouldn't do that. Yesterday was enough."

"You know you don't have to be stubborn, Rachel. I really don't know what's going on…."

"You don't." Damn, that was curt. She didn't deserve that. Shit. I liked Shirley and I fucking loved that she liked me. She was like my idol and here I was being short with her. Maybe I needed to just disappear for a few days until I was fit to be around people again. "Damn. Sorry. I didn't mean to be a bitch. I just… I can't explain it."

"It's okay. But it's him, right? I'm not reading that wrong."

"No, you aren't. Ever have one of those nights when everything reminds you of something you don't want to be reminded of?"

"Every blond boy is Nick, then?"

I smiled and closed my eyes. "Yeah."

"So take one back to the hotel… get it out of your system."

I peered over at her. "No. That would be bad. I never got him out of my system. You know, I thought that would go away after a few months."

What was I doing sitting here on the floor of the venue discussing this with her? I had definitely lost it. But I kind of missed having a girlfriend around. James was great and he listened to everything, but at the end of the day, he was a boy. Gay boy. But boy, nonetheless. In a few short weeks Gwen, Shirley and I had fallen into that conversational shorthand that only girls had. It was kind of cool.

"You still want to rip his clothes off and fuck his brains out on sight?"

I think I blushed. "Maybe…"

"Duh! He's hot, Rachel. I mean… not my type at all. But I can appreciate the blond god, too."

"Oh, you are so not helping!"

She laughed and pulled herself up, offering me a hand. "Come on. Let's get out of here and find some cute boys to take our mind off yours. We've been on tour two whole weeks and no debauchery! There much be debauchery tonight!"

I giggled, following her and shouting out suggestions as we made the way through the backstage maze to freedom.

"What are you doing, Nick?" Anna yelled as I stood up in the middle of one of No Doubt's songs and made my way to the side of the stage. I wanted to be close enough to see every move she made, but I knew she couldn't see past the 2nd or 3rd row so when we came back it would be a complete surprise.

But the surprises weren't stopping there. No. After tonight she'd have no question about how much I loved her. Only her.

"Keep up, or I'll leave you behind." I shouted, taking Anna's hand and dragging her along with me. "We're surprising her."

I flashed my backstage pass at the guard at the stage and he nodded us through. "I want to see the rest of No Doubt!" Anna protested as I dragged her under the stage.

"I want to see Rachel," I countered, heading down the hallway towards the dressing rooms. I hoped. We'd played this venue last year, I sorta remembered the layout.

Anna grabbed my arm, stopping me. "Nicholas Gen! Not one more step until you tell me what you are doing! Do you really want to lose her forever?"

I turned to Anna, pulling the unmistakable blue box out of my coat pocket and handing it to her. "I want her forever, Anna. And she has to know. I saw her watching me yesterday and she still loves me. I know that. And I know now that I don't want to live without her. If she needs the grand gesture… well, it's here. I just want her and she has to know."

Anna's eyes were wide as she stared at the ring in the box. I knew Rachel would love it. It's was modern yet classic and cost a fortune. Not that she'd care about that part. But I'd paid it without thinking twice. I didn't care of my CD tanked next week, this ring would prove to Rachel that I couldn't wait 6 months. I had to have her now. We'd have the rest of our lives to figure it all out. Together.

"Nick, that's beautiful." I smiled broadly, my heart beating so loudly in my ears that I nearly didn't hear the next part. "But no."

I certainly didn't hear that right. No? "What the fuck, Anna? What girl doesn't want a ring like this? I love her!"

"I know you do, sweetie… but no. Please." She looked down the hall and pushed me back into a less crowded corner. " If you value anything about our friendship, please know that I'm telling you the truth right now. It's not the right time. You can't do this."

"Fuck you! You don't know Rachel! You think you do… but you don't. She's not cold-hearted like you, Anna! She's not bitter! She wants someone to love her. And I'm that person."

Anna stepped back as my voice grew louder. Okay, I'd been harsh, but I didn't care. She didn't know what she was talking about. I snapped the box closed and tightened my grip on it. She'd see. I'd find Rachel and she'd tell me how wrong she'd been and how much she couldn't live without me.

She'd see.

If she were here, that is. Which she wasn't. James was standing in front of me, looking down at the box in my hand and frowning at me. Just like he had yesterday. Damnit.

"She went out with Shirley right after their set, Nick. I'm… she's not here. And you should go. Don't try to find her. Believe me, that's not what she wants."

He nodded to the box and I wanted to hit something harder than I'd ever hit something in my life. I settled for crushing the box in my hand until Anna took it from me.

"Nick, come on. Let's go back to the hotel. You have an early flight tomorrow."

I shook my head. "No. She's got to be here. I know she loves me."

James' hand was on my shoulder and I looked up at him. "That's not the question, Nick. The question is whether you two can love each other the way you deserve to be loved. It's about more than passion. And Rachel needs this time to figure that out. Please believe me, if you give her that ring tonight you will not get the answer you want. Ever."

My lip began to tremble and I bit my tongue so hard I tasted blood. I didn't want to go back to the hotel alone and face another 4 months of no Rachel. At least when normal people broke up, they claimed to try to stay friends. I didn't even have that.

I don't even know what Anna said to James but the next thing I knew we were outside the venue and the cold air hit my face like someone had slapped me, bringing me crashing back to reality. The reality that I was alone.

"I will always and forever listen to everything you say, Shirley!" I screamed above the music.

We were in one of those hip New York clubs with a line snaking around the block, but not for us. Cute waitresses were flirting with Shirley - guess I wasn't the only one crushed out on her! - and cuter boys were trying to get our attention from the dance floor.

A group of particularly cute and persistent bunch kept sending over drinks and Shirley refused them, which amused our waitress greatly.

"They should just give you the money and keep their drinks, huh?" she laughed and I hummed along to the song swirling around us.

"We aren't their fucking entertainment, are we, Rachel?"

Shirley grabbed the pen out of my hand and I pouted up at her. "Gimme!"

"There is no homework tonight." Rolling her eyes, she gave the pen to our waitress.

"But… there is such a great song in this…"

"Later. Give us another round of shots. And send the boys a bottle of Stoli or something cheap. Shall we dance, my dear?"

"Think they can handle it?" I asked as Shirley helped me up. Damn, those shots went straight to my head.

"Not on your life. Let's fuck with them a bit."

"Metaphorically, of course."

"Dunno… not a blonde in the bunch. You might be safe, dear."

"I'm such an idiot." I slurred as I leaned my head against the back of the seat and watched the New York skyline whip by us as the cab maneuvered through the dark streets. There had been a lot of drinking after my non-marriage proposal. Or was it non-proposal? Whatever. Aborted proposal. Yeah.

No. Abort… that's a bad word.

"No, Nick. You aren't. You just… Let's face it, you're not used to losing."

"That's not what this is about, Anna. I've never felt this way and… fuck." My eyes stung with tears.

By the time we got back to the hotel the fans were gone. At least one thing went right tonight. The last thing I needed was a picture of this to haunt me for the rest of my life.

"Come up to my room, I have something for you." I just stared at Anna and she laughed, "It's not that, you idiot!"

Her reaction made me laugh, and by the time we reached her room I was feeling a little better. She made me drink water while she rummaged around in her suitcase.

"What should I do with the ring?" I asked as I fished it out my pocket. Its bright blue box was crushed. I couldn't bring myself to open it again.

"Take it back? Do they take returns at Tiffany's?"

"Probably. How lame is that?"

"Nick, I'm sure that ring cost more than my car. You should take it back. They should do engagement rings on consignment. You know… just in case."

"Very funny. Do you have a romantic bone in your body, Anna? Or were you born jaded and practical?"

"It's the Capricorn in me, babe. We're a practical sign. You got all the passion. Oh! Here…"

She turned around and presented me with a notebook. I just looked at her.

"Sometimes I'm not going to be around, Nick, and you need someone to talk to. Rachel wasn't ready tonight to hear what you wanted to tell her, but that doesn't me she'll never be. You should write it down."

"Now who is the insane person in this room?"

"No. Listen to me. Psych 101, superstar. Write it out. All of it. Whatever you want her to know or to tell her. Whatever you are feeling. Just write it down and keep it. Hell, burn it, if you really want. But you can't keep it all inside you."

"Why won't you be there to talk to?"

Rolling her eyes, she stole the water from me, taking a large gulp, "Because sometimes I sleep. Or maybe one day I'll have someone to take back to the room. Who knows! I'm not your therapist, Nick, I'm your friend. But maybe this will help. Try it?"

"One condition."

"Name it."

I handed her the box and she wrapped her fingers around it. "Deal with this for me? Put it in a safe deposit box or return it. I don't care. But I can't look at it."

She nodded and pulled me into her arms. "It's going to be okay, Nick. Believe me."

We said goodnight and I took the water and my new best friend with me back to my room. Maybe I'd get a song out of it at least.

Disclaimer | Sudden Silence Website
Feedback to Authors | Tragical Fiction (home)

Subscribe to receive an email when this site is updated!

Powered by groups.yahoo.com