Oreos for Breakfast: Chapter 34

Oreos For Breakfast: Chapter 34
By the Paperbag Princess and Pumpkin Coach

"You need shoes, Nick!"

Who did Anna think she was, my mother? I was home. I didn't need shoes. I frowned at her and climbed into the car beside her.

"In the bag, mom."

"Don't even, superstar. I'm just saying…"

"This is Florida Nick!" Vinnie shouted, offering me his hand and I hit it hard.

"Florida Nick" - Rachel had called me that once. The first time we'd been in Tampa together. I hoped this Halloween would be better. What a difference a year makes.

We pulled up to the radio station and I threw on my flip-flops to make Anna happy and we all shuffled into the studio.

"Mr. Carter!" The DJ called as we came inside. "Great to have you. Proud that your first stop is your hometown. Can't wait for tonight. Nervous?"

I thought about it for half a second. I'd played to tens of thousands of screaming fans night after night after night, but yeah, I was nervous. How many fans would be there - any?

There was a lot of talk online about how selfish I was doing a solo album. Some of the fans weren't going to buy the album because they thought I was the reason Backstreet wasn't going back in the studio. If only they knew the truth. That was only part of the reason.

I still wasn't sure what the other part was myself.

"Nah," I lied, shaking the DJs hand and taking my seat in front of the microphone. I'm excited to finally get to play my new stuff for everyone, you know."

He held up my CD and I almost squealed like a girl. It wasn't released until Tuesday and even I didn't have the finished copy yet. He must have recognized that look on my face because he handed it over to me, "Yeah, the artist is always the last to have anything, aren't they?"

"Don't you know it. Have a pen? I'll sign it and you can raffle it off or something. I'm sure when we get to New York I'll have more than I can handle."

The DJ handed me a pen and I scribbled my name on the CD booklet and flipped through it quickly. My CD.

For the millionth time this week I felt my breath quicken from excitement. I couldn't believe I was here and this was happening. In a few hours I'd be standing in front of my fans singing my song. Alone.

Well, the band would be there… but it wasn't the same as having the fellas to lean on. And while part of me was scared to death, the other part of me felt like I was free for the first time in my life.

10/27/02 5:01 am

is it normal to have a panic attack after you do something? Probably not, which would be normal for me, right?

It was a great night, Rachel. I rocked. We rocked. Whatever. I can do this. I was scared shitless all day, but I did it and it was great. The crowd was totally into it. I have great fans, don't I? they knew every word, and the album isn't even out yet.

I was so happy, Rache. So how the fuck did I end up here, sitting on my deck, shaking so hard I can barely write this? Did I mention the girl sleeping in my bed? I think her name is Barbie. Really. Or maybe that was just her costume. Or maybe she's just a trashy blond.

Last year, I was with the sexiest woman in Ybor, and I ignored you. Maybe we should have known then that I'd be here this year alone picking up groupies.

Still… it was great, playing these songs live. There's nothing like sharing music with a live audience. This time last year I wasn't even sure if I wanted to do a solo album, and this year, I was a star. Everyone wanted to know me. I saw a lot of tits, and I didn't even have to give out any beads.

I did good all night. I even sang "Who Needs the World" and didn't think about you. But now it's killing me. I want you here, Rachel. I wanted you to be next to me for my first solo show and for the release this week and… everything. It would be perfect if you were here.

Or not. You were there the night we released the single, and we both know how that ended up.

I wish I could figure out how to stop hurting you, baby. I don't think I've figured that out yet.

Because I had a good night. Barbie was sorta amazing. Should I be regretting something? Would that fix things between us? I thought about you all night, and I'd feel guilty and then remember I didn't have to, and that was cool. But then I felt guilty for being relieved.

I'm pretty fucked up, Rache.

I needed another 10 more bottles of water, and another 10 hours so sleep. But no. I was barely awake, listening to Vinnie snore in the seat next to me. I poked him, "Wake the fuck up, Vin."

"What? Why?" He glared at me, and stretched his back. I just laughed. "Why do we have to leave so fuckin' early, Nick?"

"Duty calls."

Truth was, I was still energized from last night. I felt like I could do anything. Okay, there was that little panic attack at 5am, but it eventually subsided. But I was excited to be going back to New York, away from Tampa and the girl in my bed. So rock star, wasn't it? Picking up a girl for a one-night stand. She'd been pretty good, too.

Vinnie must have caught my smile. "So dish. I know you got fuckin' lucky, Nicky."

"Fuckin' is right, man. She was fine."

"Barbie? Bambi?"

"I dunno. Blonde and built. Shit. She didn't even need to cuddle after."

He wrinkled his nose at me. "Fuckin' hate that shit, man. Sex ain't love. Why do chicks always confuse that?"

"No shit! But she was cool. Got her number and told her I'd call when I'm back in town. We could hook up. Party or something."

That'd be okay. So she wasn't Rachel. It wasn't love, like Vinnie said. I didn't really care what she did or thought, but it was better than those nights when I was alone and missing Rachel so much it hurt. No. Nameless girl in my bed was better than that. Anything was better than that.

"Stop, Nick." Vinnie's voice was low and I looked over at him.

"What?"

"Thinking about her, man. Just…"I didn't want to hear his advice on Rachel and he knew it, but he continued anyway. "I know you think I'm a shit and I hated her, Nick. But that's not true. She was a great girl…"

"Is." No one was allowed to talk about Rachel in the past tense in my presence. We were on a break. That was it. In six months I'd have my chance to prove to her that this could work. She could trust me to be the man that she needed and wanted in her life. I didn't want anyone else. Everyone else was just sex, not love. Everyone else was one night, not forever.

Forever. That was Rachel. It had to be.

"Is. Whatever, dude. Semantics. Point is… she was right on this one, man. You need a little space. Little freedom to be Nick Carter." He said my name like it was a destination. Like I was Elvis or something. "You were king of the fuckin' world last night, Nicky."

He punched my shoulder for effect and I just laughed at him. "I was, wasn't I? They knew all the words, Vin."

He smiled at me, "Dude. They know how to show my Nick the love."

"They do. It was such a fuckin' rush, man. I wanna do more. Every night. It's like the best fuckin' drug in the world, only it never wears off, you know?"

"No, man. But judging from the look on your face, I believe you."

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