11/12/02 - London, UK

So Anna gave me this book and told me I had to write things down for you. I know you'd mentioned keeping a journal or something while we were apart and… that's such a girl thing, I can't handle it. Sorry. And I can't spell worth shit. And my handwriting… I'll have to read these to you when we get back together.

Anyway, when I'm feeling down and can't get you out of my head, Anna says I'm supposed to write about it in this notebook. That's something you'd tell me to do. In fact, that's what you do all the time. But I'm not so good at talking about my feelings… so this is new to me.

Usually I come back to my room and pick up the book and just stare at it. Then I get even more pissed off at myself for being such a pussy, so I start drinking and end up letting Vinnie talk me into getting into trouble.

In fact, my message light is blinking as I write this. I bet its trouble just waiting for me.

But maybe not tonight. Maybe tonight I'll be man enough to 'talk' to you thought this stupid notebook and maybe I can leave some of my anger behind.

Go back up to that first paragraph and re-read it. Notice that I said WHEN. Not 'if,' Rache, because you are going to realize during this break that you love me and you can't live without me. This can't be all one-sided, Rachel. If I know anything, I know that. I can't possibly love you this much and not have you love me just a fraction of it back.

That was cocky, wasn't it? If you were sitting across from me, you'd probably slap me.

Actually, if you were here with me, you'd be lying in bed naked. Definitely in slapping distance, though. I'm never letting you out of my sight again, you realize that, right? When we get back together, it's for keeps.

Shit! I can't think about that. It hasn't been long enough. The thought of you - the feel of your skin on mine - it still makes me hard. Just seeing you and hearing your voice… this can't be normal.

Will that stop, Rache? Has it stopped for you? Because I don't want it to. I want the pain to stop and I want to be able to sleep at night without this horrible empty ache when I wake up and it's not you beside me.

I want to stop hurting you, too.

I do, Rache. I never meant to hurt you but I seem to be so fucking good at it. Is that my one talent? Treating the only woman I have ever loved like hell? Breaking her heart?

You are so right, Rache. God, you are so much smarter than me. I should always listen to you. I will from now on. Promise.

If you ever read this, I know that's making you smile. And you won't let me take it back, either!

But you told me once that I was a lousy boyfriend. When I first knew you and I broke up with that girl while I was playing softball with the fellas. God, I don't even remember her name! How horrible. Even more proof what a horrible person I am. God.

Reasons that Nick is a bad boyfriend:

1. I don't remember that girl's name!
2. I like to come first. (Sorry, it's true!)
3. I'm always touring and never with you.
4. Girls are always hitting on me (and I don't always mind).
5. I test you.

I guess that's it. I test you. All the time. I want to know you love me even half as much as I love you, I guess. It's not fair and I know that. Well, I know it now. But when you weren't there, it was so easy to forget that you loved me. I mean, why would you love me? When you could have the stable stockbroker that adores you and can give you everything you want, be with you every day and not make you wonder what he's up to…

Shit. I can't do this. I can't think about you and us. I need to have hope and if I think about it too much, that's going to all go away.

Why didn't you let me make love to you that last night? I know you wanted to. I know you wanted me - needed me? - as much I as wanted you. At least then I could have that to cling to. That you did still want me. I know sex isn't love, Rache, but how can you separate them? At least for us. If you stopped needing me… I don't know what I'd do. That's why they call it 'making love,' isn't it, Rache? Because that's the best way I can express how much I love you.

But now when I think of us in the hotel room, I just remember you crying. I remember you sitting across from me in that hallway and being so sad. I remember the hurt look in your eyes when you left. The hurt look that I made. I put there.

I don't want to remember that! I want to remember you smiling. Your laugh. The look on your face when we're making love. You don't even know that look, do you? That look is all mine. Your hair a mess of curls on the pillow and your eyes lock on mine for just a second as I move inside you. It's that split second that you try to keep your eyes open but you can't.

That's the look I want to see when I close my eyes at night, Rache. Not tears.

God, I have to stop now. I need to go out with the band. I promised them a night at the clubs. Oh! Maybe that's Kate on my phone. I'd called her when we got in yesterday for a recommendation for a club to go to… I knew better than to call to Em. Kate will tell me that I was stupid to let you get away, but Em… well, she's your friend, isn't she? She'll definitely side with you.

Not that there are sides…

Oh, you'll like this! I got a letter from a fan the other day and she was telling me all about how I need to grow up and get you back. She liked the Nick I was when I was with you, Rache! Can you believe it? They all love you now. Remember a year ago when they were hysterical when you gave me my ring? They don't mind you so much anymore. I told you they'd come around.

Anyway, I thought you'd find that amusing.

PS: For the record, I like the Nick I am with you, too. This one isn't nearly as nice.

"Isn't this better than moping around in your room, dude?" Vinnie was - for once - right. "Even Anna is having fun out there."

I followed his gaze to the dance floor where Anna was having fun laughing and dancing with a guy who'd bought her a drink earlier. She's been her usual Anna self when the waitress had said someone wanted to get her a drink and then I'd pointed out that he must really be interested if he was trying to pick up the only girl in a group of four guys.

Made sense to me. I wouldn't have the balls. For all that guy knew, I was her boyfriend.

"Now, we need to have fun, too, Nick!" Vinnie and Jason were setting up shots and I just smiled, reaching for one.

"Body shots, boys?" A familiar voice rang in my ears and I just smiled as I felt her hand on my shoulder.

"Depends who's offering, Paris." I looked up at her as she and her friends joined us. I think one was her sister. The other girls I didn't recognize. I remembered those legs, though. They went on for days - helped along by the tiny skirt barely covering her thighs.

"Can we join you? I didn't realize you were in town, Nick. You should have called me."

Paris wanted me to call her? After that last night I thought I'd blown it completely. That was a disaster. Besides something told me that Paris was more than I could possibly handle. Then again, it's not like she needed me for anything.

"Paris - loved your movie!" Vinnie laughed and Paris tried to keep smiling as Vin started in on how great her sex tape was.

"Chill, dude. That's… not cool!" I hissed, and then turned back to her. "Sorry, my friend here is… an asshole, even when he's not drunk."

"Then we need to catch up."

And catch up we did. The champagne started flowing and I didn't get back to the room until the sun was starting to come up. Our picture would certainly be everywhere tomorrow, but I didn't much care. My publicist would love it. It's not like my CD was selling well over here. Maybe Paris would give me a bump.

Not that I needed her for that. Damn, my head hurt. I grabbed a handful of aspirin and swallowed them without water, pulling the covers of the bed over my head to block out the morning sun. I just needed a few hours sleep before… I didn't even know what was on my schedule today. But tonight I was pretty sure it'd be Paris again.

"Thought you were coming back with the wine?"

I screamed as James' voice startled me and turned around in my chair to scowl at him.
Why did James always have the adjoining room? Just once I'd like to adjoin with… hell, I didn't want to adjoin with anyone in my band. This togetherness was getting old. I needed a few nights alone to miss them again.

The guitar riff Jeremy had been bugging me with all day popped into my head and I hummed it, holding up a hand to James and grabbing a pen, singing as I wrote. "Leave me alone I'm lonely, leave me alone I'm lonely tonight… no you can't hop into my shower, all I ask for is one fucking hour."

"I didn't ask to use the shower, babe. But if you want to share…" Jeremy leered as he stuck his head in the room.

"Why are you here?"

James looked behind him, scowling at Jeremy. "I told you I'd get her! She's in a mood!"

"I am not in a mood!" I yelled.

Well… okay, maybe I was, but I hated it when they called me on it.

"Just because you have the adjoining door doesn't mean you have to use it every five seconds!"

"Rache," he started, but wasn't two words into his latest lecture when his eyes darted to the screen in front of me. "Punkass."

I wanted to agree with him. With all my heart I wanted to badmouth Nick for the next hour. I wanted to believe he was the punkass, egotistical son of a bitch that everyone else did… but…

But what, Rache? You knew the real him?

I was only clicking on pictures because of that picture in the paper. He was playing here next month and they'd had a picture of him in London a few weeks ago wearing a sweater that looked so familiar. I knew he'd bought it in London because it reminded him of the one that I'd loaned him. The one I'd gotten for Dad.

One click on one picture turned into five, which turned into ten, and I was left staring at the mess in front of me. If I knew the real him I'd know why he was high as a kite with that… that… stupid Paris on his lap in half these pictures. Obviously I didn't know the real Nick, either. Or maybe this was the real him and I got the aberration.

I couldn't think about it, my head hurt too much. We'd already finished a bottle of wine after the show and now I knew my band wanted to hit the pawn shops before we hit the casino. But Nick had done that with us, too. It was like there wasn't a city we could go to that didn't remind me of Nick in some way.

At least when Jeremy and I had dated, our memories were confined to dive bars on the east coast.

Okay, there was the Vegas engagement but I'd rehashed that with… Nick.

"Sorry," I heard myself say as I closed my laptop and turned to face them. Jeremy had gone, but James was still here and he pulled me out of my chair, wrapping his long, strong arms around me. And I was glad I wasn't alone. My James. My rock.

The man I could always turn to when I needed someone to pick up the pieces. "This is so unfair, James. Tonight should be happy. We love Vegas and I'm suck in my stupid memories again."

"Shhh… I'll just turn off the computer and we'll pretend like it never happened, okay?"

"I have to stop using the computer."

"Yes, you do. The idea was that he had time to do what he needed to do. Get it all - the girls and the drugs and the partying - out of his system while you weren't there. If you track his movements on line… well, that's defeating the purpose."

"I know." James gave me a stern look and I laughed, "I do! I just don't always follow my own advice."

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