Oreos for Breakfast: Chapter 34

Oreos For Breakfast: Chapter 34
By the Paperbag Princess and Pumpkin Coach

November 30, 2002 - New York, NY

I am so in love. I am giddy, silly, dance around naked sort of in love. I want to stop strangers on the street and tell them I'm in love and drag them up to my apartment to show it off.

Of course it's just with my apartment, silly. I've transferred all my frustration into this apartment. I've never lived on my own, not really. I left home and went to college, then moved in with James, then Jeremy, and then Damon… or I've been on tour. I have a house, but that's the family's, really, and it's full of years of memories.

This is mine, all mine. It cost too much money, and even more to furnish it, but every bit of it is completely mine. I didn't have to wonder if someone else would like this red sofa I'm curled up on, or if a boy might be offended by the flowers on the comforters in the guest bedroom. I never have to share the remote. The stereo holds 50 cds, and I don't give a shit if anyone else likes what I'm playing. I only ever turn on like two lights, everything else is candles, and no one whines that they can't see.

It's just me and Bates. I never dreamed I could be this content by myself. After being on tour for weeks, this is bliss, curled up on the couch with a glass of wine and Bates at my feet. Bates loves it, too. I can hear him purring. He's never had me completely all to himself, and we all know that's the way he wants it. He whined the entire drive, and spent a couple hours sniffing at everything, but since then he's just been where I've been, sleeping with me or perched here. He likes the windows, too. They have wide sills big enough for his fat ass. He can look outside at the lights of Times Square, and I can tell he's fascinated. He's never looked at anything but nature before, and we're high enough above the street for it to be quiet. He doesn't have any interest in going outside to the deck, even though I offered. Then again, it's cold. Maybe when it's warm he'll come outside while I sit in the hot tub, if JC…

If JC is here when it's warm again. I miss my neighbor, I must admit. Did I mention that he and James broke up? He didn't even have time to really enjoy his incredibly expensive apartment in NYC before they split. He was great while we were on tour, he was around when things were getting delivered for me, and he made sure the furniture was in all the right places. My bed was even made when we got back, there was wine and a frozen pizza in the fridge, and a note telling me that's all he did, he just wanted me to be able to fall into bed after some dinner.

It happened in LA, the next to last night of the tour. Some kid came up to James and told him he saved his life, that seeing James on TRL last summer made him realize that he could be out and happy and a pop star. And James just… snapped. He went to JC, and gave him the ultimatum- come out or its over, and they ended up screaming at each other.

He's so calm it's scary. That first day he cried, but now he's really… quiet. He asked me today when we had lunch if I thought he made the right decision. Maybe being happy is more important than politics. Because they were so fucking happy, weren't they? I know they were. Frankly, Nicky, there were times I looked at them and wished for that.

But at least we were out. The whole fucking world knew we were a couple, and while that's sorta painful right now, I never really minded when we were together. Hell, I can be a little down in front of the press and I know everyone is just thinking 'oh, she just broke up with that Backstreet Boy.' But James doesn't get that. This huge thing happened to him, and he has to pretend that he's just fine. Thankfully we aren't on tour anymore, so there's no press around, but I can still tell… it's sorta like it never happened. Any of it. The good stuff or the bad stuff.

So, James is heartbroken. He's trying to convince himself that he did the right thing, that eventually it was just going to get worse, but I know he's thinking about all the good things and it's killing him.

Because I'm doing the same thing all too often. It was bad when we broke up, and it had been bad for a long time, and it was going to get worse, but… man, when it was good, it was the best thing I'd ever had. I was so happy. All I had to do was look at you to get happy.

And now I'm depressing myself, so I must stop. It's not that I'm not happy on my own, because I am. It's not like I'm spending all my days moping around this empty apartment pining for you. No, I'm frolicking around my amazing flat, decorating with little things and taking long, long baths in the tub that was the reason I bought this place.

We're re-recording the album, do you know that? It's hard to tell what you might know or not. But we all finally admitted that we didn't like what we did over the summer. And let's face it… trauma does bring out inspiration. So we've got about a dozen songs we demo'd on tour and hopefully they will turn into good songs.

After that it all starts up again. Preparing the album. Touring. Press. More touring.

But now all I have to do is record, so I have time to decorate! It's so amazing. I have no idea how much I have charged in the last few weeks, and I do not care. On tour, I was ordering furniture and making JC deal with the deliveries. I got a couch, and two big chairs, and a little dining room table, and a desk, and two single beds for the guest room (for the girls, of course! Their parents can sleep on the pullout sofa) and a big gorgeous bed for me. And bookshelves, which are mostly empty now. I sorta like them empty. I'm going to bring some stuff back with me when I go home for Christmas, but I am enjoying the minimalist life at the moment. You get used to not having a lot when you're on tour. Just the essentials.

I need a dresser. I'm still living out of a suitcase. But I haven't seen anything I like. And I might need another couch or chairs or something- the living room is big. I'll look around the city. The internet is amazing, but sometimes you need to try out a couch.

I did try out this one… I think we were in Texas. It's the best couch ever, fluffy and comfy and covered in red velvet. I keep falling asleep on it, its fantastic. Even James fits on it with me, not that he's been here long enough to do so. I hope he gets over this moping soon, because I miss him. Hell, he could mope here. As long as it was here. I love his place, but I want him to come here sometimes and let me use my new pots to cook him dinner and then I'd make up the bed in the guest room and he could sleep over.

Damn JC. All his fault I bought this place, and now it's his fault James can't come here. Dork.

After staring out the window for a good ten minutes, I have to admit that I cannot summon the hatred of JC that I should. I loved him. He was my brother-in-law, my buddy, and we were about to be neighbors. He was amazing to me right after we broke up, Nick. Unbelievable. I needed to be somewhere that didn't have a million memories of you, so I stayed with him and James in Florida- yeah, Florida is all about you, but not JC's place. I just moped around his house and he bought me junk food and showed me old tapes of the Mickey Mouse Club to make me laugh. He was fantastic, and he loved James so much.

I wonder if he's asking his friends if he made the right decision? I know it would be a huge ass deal if he came out, but now he doesn't have James. And I know he loved him, I know it. It wasn't lack of love that made him not pick James. I don't know what it was… maybe just fear? That's pretty fucking scary, changing your entire life around. Like it's not bad enough he's trying to release a solo album, now he'll be the 'gay one'.

But who cares about his career? If he had to give it up- and I don't think he would, eventually it would all settle down- wouldn't it be worth it to have James?

Then again, wouldn't it be worth to it to James to keep it a secret, but have JC?

Dunno… maybe I'm just biased, but it seems so unfair that they have to keep something that special a secret. I know you and I tried to keep it a secret for a little bit, but I was so damn happy, I didn't care. I wanted everyone to know. I loved it when our picture was in the paper. Hell, even when we weren't happy, I loved pictures of us together.

I have one next to my bed. Two, actually. One that Em took, that first night of your tour last summer when she caught us kissing on stage. And another one of just you that you took with her Polaroid the day we filmed 'Come On'. You've got such a goofy smile there, I love that smile. Sometimes I can't stand the pictures and then there are the times I go looking for them, so I can remember how you look. There's a picture in my mind, but sometimes I need to stare at the photos and remember the reality of you, look at the way you'd hold me when we kissed, see that silly little grin of yours.

I need to stop dwelling. I think I will fix myself something for dinner… maybe a tuna sandwich. Bates will love that… and watch some TV. Then I might take a bath and read a book.

Life's good, Nicky. I miss you, but life's okay.

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