Oreos for Breakfast: Chapter 28

Oreos For Breakfast: Chapter 35
By the Paperbag Princess and Pumpkin Coach

I drew a breath, alone for the first time all evening. The Christmas Eve party always flew by, talking to guests and pouring wine and making sure there was enough food.

That was good tonight. Memories of Nick were lurking around every corner. Last year had been wonderful, having him here. Last year, I'd had my gorgeous boyfriend with me, kissing me every time I got sad about the fact that Dad wasn't with us.

This year I felt Nick's absence almost as much as Dad's. I knew that my life was good. We'd just finished a fantastic album, and I knew that 2003 would be full of music and touring and all those great things. In a couple of days, I would be joining my boyfriend and his friends for a few days of skiing.

Okay, I hated skiing, but I still got to be with Ben and meet his friends. He wanted me to meet his friends. That had to mean that he wanted me to stay in his life.

So I had Ben and my music and things were good. It had been a long year, tough in a lot of ways, but I'd made it through it all and I should probably be a little happier tonight.

James appeared in front of me, a plate of food in one hand and two glasses of wine in his other. Without a word, he offered his elbow, and I slid my arm through his, taking the plate.

We hadn't talked much tonight. We hadn't talked much lately. I'd been running around dealing with holiday stuff and he'd been with JC. Since I was a little annoyed about the JC thing, I hadn't made much of an effort to hang out with them.

And I knew that James knew all of that, and I knew why he was leading me up the stairs now. When we were kids, we used to hide up at the top of the steps and watch the grown-ups as they got drunker. When we got a little older, we'd steal half-full glasses of wine and drink them up here.

James sat on the top step, carefully balancing both glasses of wine, and I joined him, putting the plate of food between us. He handed me my glass and we sat in silence for a moment, watching everyone. It was quieter up here and I could hear myself think.

I wasn't so sure I wanted to hear myself think.

"What are you going to sing this year?" he asked, like it was a completely casual question.

"I jumped the gun singing 'Peace on Earth' last year, didn't I?" I responded.

Last year I'd sorta tricked Nick into singing the Bing Crosby/David Bowie version of 'Little Drummer Boy' with me. Dad and I had sung that at every Christmas party since I was a little girl. I hadn't done it with Nick last year consciously thinking that he'd be with me at every Christmas party with me forever, but I guess part of me had hoped he'd at least be here this year.

"No," James said. "It was really nice last year. It's okay. It wasn't about Nick. It was about you and your dad. Closure and all that."

"Want to sing it with me this year?"

He looked at me, shaking his head. "I can't. Nick was the right choice. He'd never seen you do it with your dad, but I have, and I'll just turn into a big fairy and cry."

I smiled. "I was thinking about 'Last Christmas'."

"The Wham one?"

"That everyone in the world has done a bad cover of, yes."

"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart," he sang. "And the very next day, you gave it away…"

"This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special," I finished, and he smiled.

"We might need to bring the room up after that. 'Baby, it's Cold Outside'?"

"Not a Christmas song," I told him. It wasn't.

"But they play it at Christmas, and it's a funny little duet."

"I don't know the words."

He gave me his best cheesy grin. "I have the music in the pocket of my coat. Wherever that ended up."

"In Mom's room. We can get it later."

He looked very pleased that I wanted to do it.

"I need the practice," he said. "JC and I are planning on doing it next year."

I took a stuffed mushroom off the plate, not looking at him. "Could have done it this year. He was invited."

"Not really," James said, a little accusingly, but I just shrugged.

"Everyone's invited, James. I don't think I ever gave Michael a formal invitation, and he was always here."

"Michael did get a formal invitation every year. Probably from your mom, but he got one."

"Mom knew Michael was your boyfriend."

Now James looked away, gazing at our plate of food like the choice between the mini quiche and the artichoke dip was of great importance. "She will next year."

"Or she won't."

"Or she won't," he repeated, deciding on the quiche and meeting my eyes. "It's my new year's resolution."

"What? That my mom might or might not know about the love that dare not speak its name?"

"No," he said. "JC's got a year."

"I don't think that's a good idea, James."

He shook his head. "I thought you'd be pleased."

"What, that you're putting a deadline on love? You love him or you don't. He loves you or he doesn't."

"Who's got a date in March with the guy that was here last year? I notice you didn't invite Ben."

"He had plans," I dismissed. "We're not talking about Ben. Nick and I are different. I got out because I couldn't respect myself any longer."

His eyes widened like I'd hit him, and I went on.

"And you were the one riding me about how Nick was treating me like shit."

"The difference here is that JC treats me like a prince."

"A prince in the closet."

"That's the only problem, Rachel. The only one. I know it's a big one. I know that. But everything else is so good."

"Then why put a timeline on it? Why not just stay in the closet forever?"

He looked into his glass, swirling it around and watching the light play on the liquid. "Because it's a big problem. I think we've established that I know that. But I… I couldn't be a hard ass any longer, Rache. That's not me. It's a lot easier to love him than it was to hate him."

"How do you feel about yourself?"

"Happy," he said, meeting my eyes. "Really, really happy."

"Sometimes that's not enough, James," I said softly.

"You weren't happy in the last couple of months with Nick. I know that as well as anyone. You were miserable when you weren't with him, and you were worse when you were with him. You were cranky and bitchy and-"

"No wonder he left me, in other words."

"Stop it," James snapped. "You broke up with him, if I remember correctly. And you're happier now. You needed to get out of it and find yourself again and you're doing that. What I'm trying to say is that JC and I are not you and Nick, and I need you to stop dragging me down."

"I never said you and JC were like me and Nick."

"You didn't need to. I know we do most things together, Rachel, but this is different. You used to like JC."

"I still like JC. He's a great guy. Just not good enough for you. You deserve more."

"I deserve to get what I want. And I want him. I don't want some other guy just because he's out of the closet. I want JC. And he loves me. Don't hate this just because you're jealous."

"I'm not jealous!"

He raised an eyebrow at me. "You so wish that Nick would have made the big romantic gesture."

"He did, only you told him to fuck off."

"Having seen both grand romantic gestures, JC's was better. Showing up on my doorstep drunk and depressed and pouring his heart out was better than showing up nervous and carrying a ring because he thought that would win you back. You don't want a ring. You want him, and he wasn't giving you that. JC gave me his whole heart."

I scowled at him. "Fine. You win."

Nick might have been giving me his whole heart. Shouldn't I have gotten to make that decision?

"I don't win, Rache. This isn't a competition."

If Nick had really meant to ask me to marry him, he wouldn't have let James stop him. When we'd broken up for those couple of weeks early in our relationship, he'd gone AWOL from the tour to get to me.

"Yes it is," I said. "And your boyfriend is better."

"Okay," James conceded, with a little smile. "He is. And I believe that he's going to come out of the closet. I really do. He loves me that much."

"He's going to break your heart if he doesn't. Does he know he has a deadline?"

"No," James admitted. "That will freak him out, and that's not fair. I might tell him in like six months. I'll let him rise to the challenge. It wasn't fair of me to not even give him a chance when I left him before."

"He knew, though."

"He did… but we'd never talked about it. It was the elephant in the middle of the room, but we didn't talk about it. We've talked about it now. I told him it had to be his choice, but I couldn't do this forever. He's… okay with that. He was spending the holidays with his family, and they're a big part of why he's scared to come out, so we'll see what happens when I see him again."

"When's that?"

"The twenty-seventh." He looked like he couldn't wait.

"Are you spending New Year's together?"

"That's the plan. Nice view of Times Square from his place."

"Well, I'm spending New Year's with Ben in the mountains, but we're coming back the second. I promise I'll be nice to JC."

James kissed my forehead. "Thank you."

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