Oreos for Breakfast: Chapter 28

Oreos For Breakfast: Chapter 36
By the Paperbag Princess and Pumpkin Coach

Journal Entry - January 15, 2003

This is bad, Nick.

Okay, it was worse right after you left and I couldn’t think straight and James and I went down to JC’s place in Florida and I was just dazed and weird for a day or whatever until I saw the picture of you with Paris sitting in your lap and then I lost my fucking mind and ended up on a date with Justin.

That time was probably worse, but I don’t really remember that. The brain kindly lets us forget moments of intense pain, so those days in Florida are just a blur. I remember how nice the bed was at JC’s place, and how I could leave the windows open and it was warm. I slept a lot. I remember talking to James, but I don’t remember what I said, and we probably had twenty conversations and I know I don’t remember all of them. I remember screaming at the pictures of you and Paris, and throwing a fit in the middle of the kitchen. I remember that there were dust ~~bunnies~~ creatures under JC’s stove. Was I sitting on the floor? I guess so. I don’t know how that happened.

There was something about talking to Mom and the girls had seen the Porsche and one of the windows at the Point house was broken. What happened there, Nick? Were you looking for me? I’m glad you took the Porsche, you know. I never liked that car. You gave it to me when things were bad and it felt too much like you were trying to buy my love. Like if you gave me an expensive car, I couldn’t yell at you for being a butthead any more.

But I yelled at you anyway, and we know where that ended up, so it’s okay that you took the car. Even if I don’t entirely know why you were at the Point house the day after we broke up. I should have had JC ask Anna, but I’m not sure that you’ve told Anna about that, and I wasn’t exactly talking to JC when he saw Anna.

JC thinks something might be going on with you and Anna. But you’re with Paris, so I guess not.

Anna might be worse than Paris.

No, just as bad, in an entirely different way. If you were with Anna, that means you’ve replaced me. Anna means you are the sweet, kind, adorable guy I fell in love with, because Anna is me. She would settle for nothing less. Anna knows the good Nick, like I do. Anna means that you’re willing to work at a relationship, because she’s complex and moody and smart.

Anna would mean that you’re just the man I thought you were, only you decided to be that man with someone else. And that would hurt.

Paris means that you’re not the man I thought you were, and that still hurts, just in a different way. Because unless Paris’ press is totally and utterly wrong, she is neither complex nor smart. I don’t even think she’s moody. She always has the same vapid expression on her face. She’s rich and pretty, so what’s to be moody about?

I guess she’s giving you the life you wanted when you were with me. You go to parties and look gorgeous together. I suppose you work, sometimes. Does she hang out at rehearsal and give you tips on your best angle?

You look great with her. Honestly. She has you dressing well and you always look groomed and put together. Is she your stylist? I can just see it, her picking out your clothes before you go out. Do you ever pick her up and she makes you change? I bet she does. Because style is not your middle name, Nick.

I liked your fugly shirts and pants that were too big and ugly sandals. I bet you get pedicures for her.

I need to stop reading your press, I know. But I can’t help myself. I don’t want to know, but I have to know. James keeps threatening to take my computer away, but I know he won’t, and I’d find stuff out some other way. It’s not like I can avoid you. You’re in the tabloids and on TV and everywhere, you and Paris, blond and perfect together.

You always look so happy. Smiling like you can’t believe you landed Paris Hilton. I know you love her, because you used to look at me like that.

How did you love me and now you love her? Maybe I’m projecting, because I don’t know her, but I feel like she couldn’t be more my opposite. I know I said that I was against type for you, but I thought that was a good thing. We had problems, sure, but… it felt so real. When it was good, it was great.

And now you’re back to type. Is she what you need? I’m sure you think she’s what you need, but do you even know her? I’m sure she’s sweet and kind and nice to you, but what does she say when you’re not around? She seems like the type to talk behind your back. Does she get mad when you wear the wrong clothes? I know you, Nick. I bet you’re nervous every time you see her. Are you meeting her standards? Are you being the boyfriend she wants you to be? You’re insecure and I bet she knows it and I bet she plays you.

Maybe it’s good right now, but it won’t last. I’m sure of that. Is this really the next step in your life? From me to Paris freaking Hilton, who will break your heart? I know your big heart and I know you’re head over heels for her, and instead of treasuring that, she thinks it’s a game.

Some girls are mean, Nick. I know you know that, but I like to think that I wasn’t mean to you, at least not in the beginning, and now you’re back to a mean girl. I hope she doesn’t hurt you too much. Because you’re about one step away from being Vinnie, and I don’t want Paris to push you there.

It’s not that I don’t want her to ruin you for me. I don’t know what’s going to happen when I see you again, and I’m not feeling right now like I want you back. I just don’t want her to ruin you forever. You have enough problems, with your crazy family, you don’t need crazy girlfriends, too.

I wonder what Anna thinks of Paris. JC said she doesn’t like Paris, but that was before this stage of being joined at the hip. That was just when you saw Paris once in a while, but you were touring and working and I could believe it was nothing.

It’s definitely not nothing now.

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