Oreos for Breakfast

Oreos For Breakfast: Chapter 36
By the Paperbag Princess and Pumpkin Coach

I got off the elevator and James and JC were in the hallway, waiting for me. I dropped my bag and ran into James’ arms, grabbing JC at the same time. We hugged, hopping up and down and screaming like the silly teenage girls were all were, deep down.

Finally we broke apart, but James kept one arm around my shoulders. “I’m so glad you’re finally home! I’ve been going crazy for the last two days without you. We saw you get out of the car. Did you kiss Ben? You’re so tan! You look great! Was it a great trip?”

“Awesome trip. I kissed Ben on the cheek. It was nothing. And really, did you miss me that much?”

JC picked up my bag and kicked open the door to my apartment. “He missed you. Well, the next day.”

They exchanged a sweet, secret little smile as James steered me into my apartment. I could guess what that smile was about.

I sat on the couch, and Bates appeared. “Hi, baby,” I cooed. “You missed me.”

He gave me a baleful look and jumped onto JC’s chair, head butting JC and demanding to be petted. “Hey there, Batesie boy,” JC said, scratching Bates’ head, and I looked at James.

“You need to divorce him. I don’t care that he finally came out after a year and a half of being with you. It’s not acceptable that he has stolen the affections of both my best friend and my cat!”

“Bates is just pissed because you’ve been gone for a week. You know what a diva he is.”

“Bates, go to your mom,” JC said, pushing the cat off of his chair.

“You’ve turned them all against me, haven’t you?” I pouted, as Bates left the room rather than come to me.

James and JC looked at each other and cracked up. “What?” I asked.

“Nothing,” James said. “It’s part of the coming out story. But Bates wasn’t always happy that we were here.”

“What did he do?”

James didn’t answer my question. “Are you hungry? We’re starving.”

“I want to know what my cat did!”

“You’ll hear the story over dinner. We want to go to that pizza place near Serendipity, then go there for dessert.”

“It is too cold for frozen hot chocolate.”

“Put on another sweater, princess,” James teased, pulling me off the couch. “You know you’ll get even more details over some pizza and beer.”

He had a point there. I dragged my suitcase into my bedroom and shoved it in the corner, where it would probably stay for the next couple of weeks, until I bothered to unpack it. I shrugged out of the sweater I’d worn on the plane, which wasn’t very warm, and found my warmest cashmere turtleneck, pulling it over my head as I walked back into the living room.

James and JC were kissing, of course, and I sighed. “Really. I just decided that being single is good for me, and I have to watch you two being all cute?”

“You’re going to be single now?” James asked, coming up for air.

“Single? What?” JC wondered, and I smiled.

“Your boyfriend was kissing you and listening to me. Must not have been a very interesting kiss...”

“I am good at multitasking!” James protested, and I grabbed my coat.

“Are we ready? Do you two need coats, or will your love keep you warm?”

“Love,” James answered.

“Coats,” said his boyfriend.

“Wimp,” James teased, and JC just shook his head, going to his apartment.

“You’ll need a coat once we get outside.”

“We’re just taking a cab!” James yelled after him.

“We need a car service,” I said, finding my cat’s treats in the kitchen. Maybe a treat would make him love me best again.

“A car service?” James echoed, leaning his elbows on the counter across from me.

“Yeah,” I said, shaking Bates’ can of treats. That usually made him come running.

Okay, he was old, and never ran. The noise of his treats usually made him lumber into the kitchen at a slightly increased pace over his normal speed of almost stopped.

“That’s why Ben gave me the ride. Because the car was picking him up anyway.”

“I think that was just a terribly convenient excuse.”

I saw Bates come around the corner, and I knelt down to his bowl on the floor. “There’s my boy.” Bates let me pet him for a second before I shook some treats into his bowl, and he purred.

So easy to make the cat love me again.

“Coats,” JC announced from the door. “Let’s go.” They shrugged into their coats on the elevator, then James took JC’s hand with a smile as we walked through the lobby.

“Are you two going to be kissing on street corners now?”

“Absolutely,” JC said, leaning his head against James’ shoulder. “There really have not been enough pictures of us yet.”

“New York paparazzi have nothing on Hollywood,” I comforted him. “We’ll be in Los Angeles next month. We’ll make sure you two are seen.”

“Nice publicity for the new album, after all,” James said, and JC pouted up at him.

“Am I just a publicity stunt?”

“Dude, you’re the one that came out. Not me. Publicity might be a nice little side effect, but it wasn’t my idea!”

“True,” JC conceded, and I let them kiss while I flagged down a cab. Somehow I got stuck sitting in the middle anyway, just because I was short.

“This is why we need the limo service,” I complained, elbowing both of them as I settled back. “I don’t have to sit in the middle in a limo.”

“Now, tell me how Ben ended up giving you a ride home,” James demanded.

“Your story is a lot better,” I protested, and JC glanced at the cab driver.

“Yeah, but it’ll be better over some beers. And the Ben story can’t be that long.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “It’s pretty easy. We ended up sitting next to each other on the flight back from San Juan.”

James raised his eyebrows at me. “That’s an odd coincidence.”

“No such thing,” I said. “It was meant to be. We had stuff to talk about.”

“Was it weird?” JC asked, and I snickered.

“It was very weird at first. He tried to move seats.”

“Hell hath no fury like a nice Jewish lawyer scorned,” James said, making us laugh.

“Too true!” I said. “He told me later no one had ever dumped him.”

“He’s a catch.”

“Totally is,” I agreed. “Just not for me. Anyway, he’s a nice guy and got over it and we talked and it was fine. He’s coming to the charity show.”

“Well, it’s his mom’s charity, right?” James said.

“Exactly. He’s bringing Jessa and her best friend as his Valentine’s dates.”

“Awww… he’s a good guy,” James said, and I shrugged.

“Too good for me. It was good that we saw each other. We got some closure. Because it didn’t really end well. He was hurt and I was a bitch, and we’re both nicer than that.”

“And you’re going to be single now?” James asked, remembering what I’d said earlier, and I nodded.

“I think so. I had a really great vacation, and got to sort some things out in my head, and I feel so much better now.”

“You look great,” JC told me. “Tan and happy and calm.”

I smiled. “I am. All of those things. And very well massaged.”

“Did you really get a massage every day?” JC asked, looking more than a little jealous.

“One day I got a salt scrub. And a couple of days I added stuff, but I had every different massage they offered. You guys should go there, now that you can. It was an amazing resort.”

“Did you recreate any of the Duran videos?” James teased, and I laughed.

“Um, no. I’m sure if I’d asked someone could have told me where they were filmed, but I was too busy getting massages and working on my tan. And eating. The food was freaking amazing, and they kept giving me more of it.”

“You didn’t go into Internet withdrawal?” JC wondered.

“Did not even think about it, really. Laid on the beach, ate, went to the spa. Oh, and wrote three songs.”

“Why didn’t you tell me immediately?” James demanded.

“I think they suck. It’s hard to write good songs in paradise. You can’t have any angst there.”

We pulled up to the restaurant, and James and I slid out as JC paid the driver. “Why didn’t we walk?’ I asked. It was only about a five minute cab ride.

“Because it’s fucking cold,” JC said, joining us on the sidewalk. “I’m getting my frozen hot chocolate not frozen.”

“Then it’s just hot chocolate, and you can get that anywhere,” James told him, holding open the door for us. “We’ll warm up with some pizza first.”

James wanted a table in the window, because they could hold hands, but JC and I insisted it was too cold for that. The people in the restaurant could admire the nice gay couple just fine.

Finally, we’d ordered, and had a pitcher of beer in front of us, and I started pouring. “Ok, how did you end up on the cover of People telling the world that you’re gay?” I asked JC.

“Well…” JC started, taking a drink of his beer. “It started out bad.”

“But it ended up well!” James reminded him, and he smiled.

“It did. Anyway, pictures of us popped up on one of the gossip websites, and my sister called, because Mom asked her if I was gay.”

“Oh,” I said. “Do they not know?”

“My sister does. Did. I think my brother suspected before this. But Mom and Dad didn’t know. And I didn’t want them to find out because of some gossip report. So I talked to my sister, and freaked out to James, and he said…”

“I told him to come the fuck out already,” James finished, shaking his head.

“Only much nicer than that, I’m sure,” I tried to correct, and they looked at each other and laughed.

“No,” James said. “We had this huge fight. I ended up sleeping at your place, and your cat tried to fucking kill me.”

“He did not!” I said, shocked, and they laughed again.

“He tried to kill me when I came in later, and he loves me,” JC told me. “It was actually good, because he had James trapped in the bedroom, and James called me, and then we made up.”

I was horrified by Bates’ behavior, but it was sorta funny. “What did he do?”

“He was fine when I came in, but when I got into your bed…”

“Oh,” I said. “You shouldn’t have done that.”

“Now you tell me! Anyway, I shut the door on him because he was growling and hissing and I went to bed. Not that I slept. I got up at like three in the morning to go to the bathroom, and he was outside the door, and he went for me. So I slammed the door, and called JC to get the horrible beast away from me, and…”

“I saved him,” JC said.

“My hero,” James agreed, giving him a kiss.

“I’m sure that Bates was just freaked out because you were sleeping in my bed. He was protecting my honor.”

“Whatever, Rache. He tried to attack me. Stop sticking up for the cat!”

“He really did,” JC agreed. “He went for me when I came in, and I lured him into the bathroom with treats and locked him in there before I could get James out of your bedroom.”

“We might have left him in there for a while,” James admitted, smiling up at the waitress when she brought our salads and bread. She gave JC a special smile when he thanked her. Did she not see the hand holding and the kissing? With a boy?

“Did you have sex in my apartment?” I whined, and JC gave me a look.

“I think sex in my apartment with Justin is worse!”

I had to give him that one.

“And no,” James told me. “Just crying and talking mostly.”

“I told him I was tired of keeping it a secret,” JC interrupted. “I was tired of lying to my family, and fighting with James, and I was just… tired. I was scared to death to come out, but it couldn’t be worse than lying and fighting all the time.”

“It’s a lot better now, isn’t it?” James said, smirking at him, and JC nodded.

“Yes… I have to admit that about fifty times a day now,” he told me. “It would be even better if he didn’t keep telling me how right he is about everything.”

“Not gonna happen,” I told him. “Sorry. I’ve known him longer than you have. He likes to be right.”

“Shut up, both of you,” James said, pointing at us with his fork. “After all I’ve been through in the last year or so, don’t I get to be a little smug?”

“Yes, dear,” JC admitted. “I have put you through hell for the last year and a half.”

“Not hell!” James corrected. “Just not… as nice as it’s been for the last couple of days.”

They smiled at each other again, and I snapped my fingers to get their attention.

“So, crying and making up in my apartment. Right, and keeping my cat in captivity!”

“It was… I doubt it was an hour,” JC said, but he looked a little embarrassed. “We got distracted.”

“Served him right,” James said. “When we let him out, he was fine and acted like nothing had ever happened.”

“And he still loves JC,” I said, remembering his behavior earlier. “So, my cat’s fine, and you made up, then what?”

“We went to see my family the next day,” JC said.

“I stayed at the hotel while he told them,” James offered. “I would have gone. I offered and he told me no.”

“It was better that you didn’t. Really. Because it was a little rocky at first,” JC reminded him.

“They were fine at dinner.” James said. Obviously they were not finished having this particular fight.

“They needed to get used to it. I didn’t want you to see them freak out, and I didn’t want them to accuse you of corrupting me or something.”

“Where did you have dinner?” I asked.

“Out,” James told me, knowing why I was asking.

“But it’s a suburb of Chicago,” I prompted.

“It was at Outback Steakhouse,” James informed me, his voice dripping with contempt. “The most nerve-wracking dinner of my life. At fucking Outback.”

I had to laugh at that.

“It was fine!” JC protested.

“You didn’t touch your food,” James countered.

“I didn’t mean the food. I meant that we all got along by the end. James was very charming,” he told me with a smile.

“Of course I was!” James said. “I didn’t want them to think that I’d corrupted you.”

“They like him,” JC said. “Mom wrote me this great letter a couple of days ago and said she’d noticed that I’d been happier lately. She thought it was because I’d finally gotten a break from work, but now she knows it was him.”

“All because of me,” James finished with him, which lead to yet another kiss. They had to quit it with the public displays of affection. It was getting old, and we hadn’t even gotten our pizza yet.

“And then the press part?” I asked when they broke apart, and both of them rolled their eyes.

“We came back here and I called our publicist,” JC said. “And she told me not to do it, so I fired her.”

“And we called Lola.”

“Lola did it?” I asked, surprised. “I thought this wasn’t about publicity.”

“I hired her,” JC said. “I like her. There was a little bit of a bidding war, and People won. Of course, they gave me a dorky cover.”

“Well, it’s People. You can’t expect much more.” I said, stabbing a tomato with my fork.

“I know. Anyhow, I gave half the money to your charity for the show and the rest to a gay and lesbian youth group in LA.”

“Thanks,” I said. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“You know the tickets sold out in three minutes, right?” James asked, and I looked at him puzzled.

“Tickets for what?” I asked.

“Your show with Shirley. They went on sale the day after you left.”

I’d forgotten about that. I hadn’t thought about it, really, because I figured the charity supporters would buy most of them at five hundred dollars a seat.

“Seriously?”

They laughed at me. “Yeah,” James said. “You probably have a bunch of messages from Lola about moving it to a bigger venue. I’m surprised Ben didn’t tell you.”

“He was gone while I was. He might not know. Really? It sold out?” My voice squeaked a little. I had a feeling our little charity show was getting a little bigger than I’d expected. Good thing I was back on speaking terms with a good entertainment lawyer.

“People like you, Rache,” JC informed me. “And Shirley.”

“If we move it, we have to have some cheap seats. I want fans to be able to come,” I said, my mind already plotting where we could move it at this late date. As if James could read my mind, he reached over and took my hand before I could pull out my phone. Damn! My phone was still charging.

“Don’t worry. Lola’s on it. She and Shirley wanted to talk to you, but I told them they couldn’t bother you on vacation. They’re looking at a couple of Broadway theatres that are dark right now, and they could do a hundred or hundred fifty for the balcony.”

“That’s still steep for an acoustic show,” I said.

James gave me a look. “It’s for charity! They’ll pay it.”

“Ben and I were talking about clearing rights so we can do a CD,” I admitted.

James gave me a knowing look. “Isn’t that a nice way to keep talking to him?”

“Shut up. It’s business. Anyhow, I’ll deal with that later. You hired Lola?” I asked JC, and he nodded, as our pizza appeared.

Once we were settled with pizza and more beer, he went on. “Lola’s cool. She handled everything really quickly.”

“Can you come out without talking to Jive?” I asked. It seemed like Nick could never do anything without getting someone to clear it first.

“I talked to them. And the guys. But because I wanted to. I thought it was the right thing to do since it really impacts everything.”

“How were they?”

He snickered. “How do you think they were? It wasn’t news to them that I was gay. They just had to tease me about making it public. They’re fine. It’s not like we’re getting back together any time soon. Did you not read the article?”

“I just looked for pictures of James,” I admitted, and they laughed at me, James a little proudly.

“The interviewer was nice,” JC went on. “It didn’t take long. And that was it. Everyone knows. We went out to dinner that night at Nobu, and the paparazzi went nuts. That’s it. I’m out.”

“See, what was so hard about that?” James boasted, toasting us with his pizza. “We’re out!”

“I am so happy,” I told them. “Really, it’s the best news I’ve heard in ages. How are Jeremy and Darien?”

“Darien is glad I’m making an honest man out of him finally.” As soon as James said it, I could hear Darien in my head. That was so something our Darien would say.

“Hey, he wants to have the after party for your show at the restaurant.” I started to say something, and James went on. “He assures us it will be ready for food prep. They’ll keep the furniture in storage so people can mill around.”

“Sure,” I said. “But it better be ready. I don’t want all these socialites stuck with nowhere to have a glass of wine and tell me how fabulous I am.”

“Lola’s involved. There will be someplace for wine and compliments.” James assured me.

“Good.”

“So, your vacation?” JC asked, and I told them how amazing and perfect the resort was while we finished our pizza.

“Nowhere in there did you mention why you now feel like you should be single,” James prompted, and I shrugged, pouring us the last of our second pitcher of beer.

“I just… I did a lot of thinking, without really thinking, you know? I’d sit down to write in my journal, and whole ideas would be there. And on my last day, I figured out that I’m happy being single. I really am,” I said, seeing James’ look. “At least now I am. I love having my own place, and not worrying about what someone else thinks. I’m good. I’m just sick of the drama, you know?”

“There doesn’t have to be drama,” JC said, and James and I both laughed at him.

“You might find out you’re really bored with me when we have no drama,” James said, and JC shook his head.

“Never.”

“Don’t kiss,” I instructed them, and they restrained themselves.

“So no Nick?” James asked, and I nodded.

“No Nick. I really want to see him next month, but… not to get back together.”

“Good,” James said. “I think that’s a good decision.”

I smiled. “Me too.”

“Oooh! Know what we need to do?”

JC and I both gave him blank looks.

“We need to take the Roosevelt Island tram!”

“Ooh!” I said, giggling, and JC looked at us blankly.

“What?”

“It’s at the end of the block here,” James said. “There’s an island in the river, and there’s a bunch of apartments there, but you can only get there on the tram over the river.”

“It’s a great view of the city,” I told JC, and he looked interested.

“That’s not why we go,” James said. “We go because Duran filmed a video on the tram, and on the island once. ‘Do You Believe in Shame?’ It’s this great ballad, and Simon slips a letter out the door of the tram, and it flutters onto Manhattan and it’s all very mournful and sad.”

“Am I throwing Nick away?” I asked, as a felt a shiver run down my spine.

“You are so throwing Nick away.” James concurred.

I grabbed a napkin and held out my hand. “I need a pen.”

They both just looked at me, but just then the waitress appeared with our check. She’d already run JC’s card, and we had a pen so he could sign the receipt.

“And…” she asked shyly. “Could you sign this?”

She had his People cover, and we all cracked up.

“This is a first,” JC said, scribbling his name on the cover with the Sharpie she handed him.

“Won’t be the last,” James said. “I’m sure of it. Although I suspect they’ll usually come from gay boys. Oooh, you’ll get all the gay fan boys now. They’re fun.”

JC tried to hand her back the magazine, but she shook her head. “You, too, James.”

James laughed. “Awesome. Can I sign on my picture?”

“No, I want you all on the cover,” she said, giving me a shy glance, and he smiled.

“No problem. Am I going to have to sign this damn cover all the time now, too?”

“Probably,” I said, taking it when he slid it over to me.

“Can I borrow this?” I asked, referring to the Sharpie, and she nodded.

“Sure.”

“I’ll give it back,” I promised.

She nodded. “I… I heard you talking. Are you going to open up more tickets for your Valentine’s day show?”

“Yeah,” I promised. “What’s your last name, Janine?” I asked, reading her first name off of her name tag and adding it to my signature. ‘Janine- thanks for the pizza!’

“Taylor,” she offered, a little confused.

“I’ll get you on the list for the show.”

“No, you don’t have to do that. It’s a good cause. I want to buy a ticket. Thanks, though.”

I smiled at her. “Thanks for buying a ticket. Stop at the box office before the show, though. I’ll make sure you’re on the list for the after party.”

She blushed. “Thanks. That’s the best tip ever.”

I laughed. “Good.”

“I’m… thanks so much for the autographs. I really appreciate it.”

“Thanks for pretending you didn’t know us during dinner,” James said, and we laughed.

“I didn’t want you to be uncomfortable,” she said. “But I was in back freaking out a little. I’ll… um… thanks. I’ll let you finish up here.”

She left, holding her magazine carefully.

“She was sweet,” JC said.

“Give her a huge tip,” James and I both told him, and he laughed.

“Duh. Already did.”

“Okay,” I said, looking at my napkin. “What should I say?”

“Whatever you need it to say.”

I considered for a moment, then wrote ‘I love you, Nick’ and folded it up, putting it in my pocket. “Let’s go.”

I gave Janine back her pen before we left, and we stumbled down to the tram station, holding hands and laughing. “I never knew this was here,” JC said. “How many times have we gone to Serendipity?” he asked James, a little accusingly.

“Sorry!” James said. “We haven’t done this in a while.”

“We used to go all the time,” I said. “It’s actually how we found Serendipity.”

“Right. We came down here to go on the tram and just went there because it looked cute.”

“Once we saw the Duran video, we figured out where the tram was and we’d go like every time we came to the city,” I said, buying a Metro card from the machine.

“We have lots of pictures of us recreating all the poses.” James admitted.

“We are geeks,” I told JC, and he smiled, taking my place at the Metro card machine.

“I knew that. I want to see the pictures now.”

James and I exchanged a look, both of us clueless. “No idea,” I told him.

“Might be in some of my stuff up in the attic at home,” James wondered. “Not sure.”

“Are you coming?” the tram conductor called to us from the platform, and we slid our Metro cards through the turnstiles and jumped on.

“Are we going all the way over there?” JC asked, seeing Roosevelt Island now that we were high enough.

“It’s cool,” James assured him. “I’ll hold your hand.”

Nick hated heights. I’d never taken him on the tram, but he wouldn’t like it. Just as well.

A couple of other people got on, and the conductor shut the gates. “Do we need to be near the doors?” JC asked. “Don’t you have to let the note flutter to the ground or something?”

“It won’t be as crowded on the way back,” I told him. At least I hoped it was like it used to be, years ago when we’d take the tram back and forth. At eight on a weeknight, plenty of people were going home, but not many would come back to Manhattan on the return trip.

“Shit,” JC said, as we pulled out of the station, floating above the street.

“This isn’t even the good part,” James said, holding his hand and pulling him closer.

I had forgotten how much I loved this view. Especially at night. We were floating above Manhattan, all the lights spread out around us. We weren’t high enough to see any of the landmarks, but just the lights of the high-rises and the Queensboro Bridge were cool enough.

Once we got over the river, JC pulled out his phone, taking pictures. “Why have we never done this?” he asked James, and James laughed.

“Sorry. We just… stopped doing it,” he said, looking at me, and I shrugged.

“We moved here and started working and stopped doing cool stuff.” I smiled, looking at the city stretched along the coast of the river. “I love this town.”

James put an arm around me, since his boyfriend was busy taking pictures. “We need to do this more often. I always loved coming here with you. Remember?”

“We wanted to live there,” I said, pointing to one of the buildings on the other side of the bridge.

“Roosevelt Island sucks, because you can’t get food delivered,” he said, and I laughed. We’d had long discussions as teenagers about where to live once we moved to New York. Because there had never been a doubt that someday, somehow, we were going to live in New York City.

But even if Roosevelt Island was cheaper, we’d want to be able to have any sort of food delivered at a moment’s notice, so we wouldn’t live there.

“We have a view of Central Park, not the river,” James said, and I smiled at him.

“I think that’s better. I don’t really want to move.”

“Nah,” he said, looking at JC, taking tons of cell phone pictures, looking like a total dorky tourist. “I really like where we are now.”

“It’s a good place to be,” I agreed, hugging him.

The tram started its downward slope, and JC came back to us. “I think all of my pictures suck. They all say ‘do not lean on doors’ across them.” The doors had a stern warning printed on them.

“We can come back later with a real camera,” James promised.

“Tomorrow.”

“After rush hour,” I reminded him, and James nodded.

“Ten is good. Then we can come back for the night shots.”

We came to a stop at the Roosevelt Island platform and the doors opened. “Do we just stay on?” JC asked, and I shook my head.

“No, they yell at you. We get off and swipe our cards again.”

“Is there anything to see here?”

“No,” James assured his boyfriend. “We have tried. There’s a tiny sort of downtown and that’s it. It’s nice, but not like Manhattan.”

“Which is why people live here, I guess,” I said.

“Weird people,” James said. “Who doesn’t want to live in Manhattan?”

We got off the tram, and then swiped our cards again and got back on the tram. Ten minutes later, we were the only people there.

“Just us,” the conductor said, shutting the doors, and we cheered, making him laugh. “The view is all yours.”

“Great job,” JC said, and the conductor nodded.

“Sometimes it is. Better than being underground and never seeing the city,” he said, nodding. “Rush hour is sorta crazy, but I like doing the night run.”

“Do you need lots of seniority for this job?” JC asked, getting up from our seat and going over to talk to the conductor. James gave me a look.

“What? Oh!” JC was giving me cover to let my note fly away. Or maybe he was just talking to the conductor. Either way.

James and I went over to the door opposite the conductor and looked down. “It really should fly out over Manhattan,” I said. That’s what was in the video. It didn’t go into the water.

“Whatever,” James said. “This is your chance. The water it is.”

We’d dropped a lot of notes from the tram. We always had to sneak around to do it, because the conductors didn’t exactly encourage you to open the doors while we were in motion, even if it was only a tiny bit.

We’d dropped notes about boyfriends and fights with our parents and a couple of bad grades on tests. It was for things we wanted to get rid of. I’d dropped a lot of notes about Jeremy, and only one of them stuck.

Did I really want to let Nick go like that? It was so… final.

‘Do You Believe in Shame?’ was about losing someone, really saying goodbye and figuring out how to deal with the loss.

Do you believe in love?
Do you believe in shame?
And if love can conquer all
Then why do we only feel the pain?

I’d never dropped a note about Dad, and he was the biggest loss of my life. I couldn’t say goodbye like that.

I crumpled the note up in my hand and looked at James. “I can’t,” I whispered, and he looked at me, sweet and compassionate and so my understanding James.

“I know,” he said, cupping my face in his hands before kissing my forehead. “You don’t have to.”

“It wasn’t all bad,” I said. “I don’t have to throw it away.”

“Hey, it took you years to come to that conclusion with Jeremy. You’re getting better.”

I leaned my head against his chest as he held me for a moment, “I think I’m just getting better taste in men.”

James laughed, and JC came over to us. “Did you do it?” he whispered. “I did a good cover job, didn’t I?”

“Excellent, sweetheart,” James said, smiling at him above my head. “You would make a great spy.”

“Chasez,” JC said, mimicking James Bond. “Joshua Chasez.”

“Is that your spy name?” I teased. “Joshua?”

“Since no one ever calls me that, sure.”

“Your mom does,” James said, and JC blushed a little. “She calls him ‘Joshie,’” James told me, looking gleeful at that.

“That’s cute,” I said. “Didn’t Willa call you that, too?”

Now JC really blushed, and James laughed at him, remembering Willa Ford constantly flirting with JC and calling him ‘Joshie.’

“Wonder what Willa thought of the great revelation?” James asked, and JC shook his head.

“Hopefully it totally freaked her out. I’m okay with that. Anyway, did you do it?”

I showed him the crumpled napkin in my hand.

“Wimp!” he said. “It’s cool. Bill wouldn’t care. Hey, Bill, we’re gonna throw something out the door, okay? Just a piece of paper.”

“I didn’t hear that, buddy,” Bill said, and I smiled.

“Don’t worry. I changed my mind.”

JC started to say something, and James shook his head a little bit. “Oh,” JC said. “Are you gonna take him back now?”

JC was a little more drunk than I’d realized. Then again, I’d sobered up in the last few minutes.

“No,” I said. “I’m just not going to throw him away.”

“You’re not pushing him off the tram. It’s just a note.” JC reminded me.

I smiled. “Yeah, but… I’m not going to do it.”

“I need to see this video,” JC said, looking around as we started our descent to the station. “Because it’s just a note.”

“It’s the symbol of a relationship!” James told him, letting me go, but keeping hold of my hand. That was nice. I needed someone to remind me at this moment that I was lovable.

“Because I believe a little part of you inside of me will never die!” I said, quoting the song.

“Do you believe in shame? Do you believe in love?” James quoted, melodramatically.

We finished the quote together. “And if they taste the same, would you love again or abandon both?” Our delivery was over the top, and we both laughed, while JC looked at us like we were crazy.

“Is that that Duran Duran song?” Bill the conductor asked, and James and I burst into giggles. “I haven’t heard that one for a while. That was… ten, fifteen years ago.”

“Eighty eight,” James told him, without hesitation, while I was still trying to remember when that album had come out. “Cool that you remember.”

“I know when my tram is on film. And we’d get kids on here once in a while singing it.”

“You had us on here singing it, back then,” I said.

“Old habits die hard?” Bill said, docking us at the station, and I laughed.

“Something like that. Thanks for the ride. We haven’t done it in a while.”

“I’m here all the time. Say ‘hello’ next time.”

“We will,” I promised.

He opened the doors up for us, and JC smiled over at him. “You have kids, Bill?”

“Four, six grandkids,” he answered.

“How old are the grandkids?”

“Jennie’s fifteen, and Bobby’s just six months. Why?” He looked confused and I didn’t blame him. Where was JC going with this.

“Well, tell them that you gave a ride to Sudden Silence today,” JC said, looking very proud.

“And he’s in Nsync!” James said, pointing at his boyfriend.

Bill gave JC a look. “Yeah? Jennie keeps telling her brother that no one in Nsync is gay. I won’t tell her what I saw tonight.”

“That’s nice,” JC said.

“But old news,” James laughed. “She’ll know, don’t worry.”

Bill stepped onto the platform with us. “Let me be a cool grandpa and take a picture.” He pulled an actual camera out of his pocket, and smiled at our looks. “I get a great view every day. Sometimes I take a picture.”

We posed in front of the tram car for Bill, and shook his hand, leaving him to his next run. I was sorta disappointed that I didn’t want to toss a note into the river. It had been the perfect opportunity.

I clutched the note in my pocket, smiling as James and JC talked around me about the view from the tram. I didn’t want to throw Nick away. Not like that. I wasn’t sure that we could really be friends, but I wanted…

Well, I didn’t want to hate him. I was over that part, at least. I wasn’t burning with jealousy over the Paris Hilton thing. I didn’t get angry every time I thought about how he’d treated me in the last few months of our relationship. He was distracted with his solo album, and that was okay. Sorta. I could forgive him for not being his top priority. I didn’t like it, but I understood it a little.

I was getting better, maybe.

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