Oreos for Breakfast: Chapter 37

Oreos For Breakfast: Chapter 37
By the Paperbag Princess and Pumpkin Coach

Nick’s Journal – January 28, 2003

Rachel –

Well, here it is a year from my last birthday and instead of lying next to you, I’m with Paris Hilton. Well, not at this moment. That would be too tacky, even for me. I’m in the other room and she’s asleep on her very pink bed in her very pink room. Did I mention it was pink?

I grew up with sisters and I’ve never been surrounded by so much pink in my life.

But I didn’t pull out this battered bunny notebook to write about how pink Paris’ room is. No. I didn’t pull it out to write about Paris at all. I pulled it out because… I don’t know.

I miss you. I miss us. I miss feeling you with me while I sleep and waking up knowing you’ll be there. And even if you’re not there, knowing I can call you or that it will be so many days until I see you again and we wake up together.

I realized something tonight, Rachel. I don’t just miss the sex. You accused me once of only liking the chase and the sex. At the time, I had a suspicion that you were right. I didn’t want to admit it, but you were probably right about that. I am a guy, after all. But tonight I was in the middle of hanging out with Paris and all her friends and realized that I wanted to talk to you. I almost called you, too, but I figured you might kill me if I did. If you still think of me at all, you probably know that today’s my birthday. Does that bother you? Knowing that it was a year ago that I was stupid and got you pregnant?

Because that’s why I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to apologize for the gazillionth time about that.

If you take me back, I will never be that stupid boy again. Okay, I’ll try not to be that stupid boy again. I will listen to you when you talk and try to think of you before I think of myself. I have lived with the queen of all selfishness for a month now and… man, I hope that I was never that bad.

But I have a feeling I was. Especially this summer before we broke up. I was that bad and I’m sorry.

I have so much to apologize for and I swear to god if we decide we want to try this relationship again when we meet up… I promise that I will be a better Nick.

After my birthday party, we came back here and I might have still been a little high, but for the first time I didn’t want to have sex with Paris. All I wanted was to talk to you. Does that mean I’m growing up finally?

I’m looking out my window right now and the moon is full and I’m wondering what it looks like where you are. I miss not knowing about your life. I’m sure you can follow mine if you want because Paris makes sure we’re in all the papers… but I don’t know what’s going on in your life. Tonight AJ mentioned that he’d stayed with you in New York and I was so jealous I could barely see straight. And then when I could see past that, I found I had a million questions for him. I want to know if you still use the same shampoo. I want to know what bands you’re listening to. I want to know what books you are reading (that you will tease me about never understanding). I want to know what it was like to buy your first place and decorate it. What did you do when JC and James broke up and if you like it that they’re back together now. I want to know if your nieces are still playing basketball or if Colleen has decided to go out for cheerleading instead, because she doesn’t want to be like her older sister.

I’m sure I want to have sex with you, too, Rachel. But that’s not the first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning – of all mornings. I just thought about you and how I wanted to hear your voice again.

Will that urge ever go away, Rachel? In another couple months I will see you at the Bonaventure and hear your voice and it might tell me to get lost, that you never want to see me again. Will that make the pain stop? If we had a breakup and not just a break?

If that happens…. Right now it might not kill me. It will hurt, but I think I might be able to grieve and go on. Not with Paris. I know that much. She’s my rebound and she’s not the love of my life. Willa was my first love. But you are the one who stole my heart – forever and always.

-Nick

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