Oreos for Breakfast: Chapter 37

Oreos For Breakfast: Chapter 37
By the Paperbag Princess and Pumpkin Coach

Nick’s Journal - February 1, 2003

Rachel –

I couldn’t write in this book for a few days because I didn’t know what to write. I tried, but I kept tearing out pages and burning them, afraid Paris might find them or something. Stupid, huh?

Well, maybe not stupid.

I slept at my place tonight because I know what I had to do and I couldn’t do it while in her pink bedroom.

I need to get over you.

I can’t believe I wrote that, and my fingers itch to tear up the pages. But it’s true. I need to get over you.

I’m not doing good with that. I replaced you with Anna for a bit. Not in that way, but in a friendship way. And now I’ve replaced the sex with Paris and even though it’s not half as good as you, it’s better than a string of girls who just use me to get to something else – money or fame or their pictures in the papers.

You didn’t need me for that. You hated that.

And Paris doesn’t need me for that. But she loves it.

I don’t know what I want, but being with the two of you isn’t help me: with her in the flesh and you as my ghost.

I had lunch with AJ a few days ago and I can see that he loves you. It’s in his eyes when he talks about you and it’s there when he stops himself from saying something about you… like he’d just want to go on and on about how incredible you are, but he has to stop himself.

I don’t blame him, really. I was that man a year ago and I drove everyone in life insane. He’s lying to himself if he thinks he can really get Sarah back while he’s falling in love with you.

I don’t know if you are returning his love or not. I can’t ask him because I don’t want to know. If I knew…. Who knows. It would be the end of Backstreet. You would be our Yoko Ono and that would suck – for you, for me, for AJ, for everyone.

So I need to step back.

I know I need to walk away from Paris, but she just so easy. I don’t know how to do it. I was always the one with the upper hand in the relationships, you know? I was the famous one and the one who got to call the shots. When I got bored, I’d cheat on a girl or break up with them.

And then you came and you changed everything.

Now I don’t know how to change it back.

If I’d met Paris 2 years ago, she might have been my perfect woman. You were right about that. She’s my type.

She was my type. But she’s not any more.

I have a confession to make to you, Rache. And who knows, maybe you’ll never see this because you won’t even show at the hotel in a couple of month. But I have to tell you this…

If you love AJ, I can’t ever go back to Backstreet. I can’t ever see him again because I know I can’t handle it.

Okay, that’s not my confession. My confession is that a few months ago – before Paris – I almost slept with Anna. We made a pact that if we weren’t married when we were 30 we’d sleep together. Or get married. I forget where we ended that conversation. But now I found that I see her as my… I don’t know… my possibility.

You used to be my future and now I see Anna on the horizon.

I know it’s not fair to her. And it’s not fair to you, either. So I have to stop, don’t I? I know I do but I can’t stop. I can’t kick her out of the band, that would destroy her. But part of me can’t just be her friend. Maybe that’s why I’m avoiding her and dating Paris, because I know that if I wasn’t then I’d run to her and then there’d be no hope for us.

Everyone thinks that Paris is the unforgivable sin that you’ll never let me live down, but I know that’s not right. Don’t I? Paris is what you expect. You don’t have higher expectations for me than that.

But Anna?

Anna’s the deal breaker.

She will hate me if she ever knows about this letter. But we promised if we ended up together that we’d share all our secrets. And so far, this is my biggest. I hate myself for even writing this because I know I’m breaking everyone’s heart, but I can’t help it.

I need to get over you and her… but I still don’t know how to do that.

-Nick

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