Oreos for Breakfast: Chapter 38

Oreos For Breakfast: Chapter 38
By the Paperbag Princess and Pumpkin Coach

Anna shot me a look over Rachel’s head as they hugged, and I shrugged. I wasn’t really sure what was happening here. I just… she wanted to come to my show. Friends did that.

“Cool necklace,” Rachel said, stepping back from Anna’s hug. “James has a bass that looks like that.”

“Does he?” Anna asked. “Mine broke, and Nick had a necklace made out of it.”

Rachel smiled over at me. “That is a great present. Nick is good with presents.”

I was pretty proud of that one. Even more so now.

“So, how are you?” she said to Anna. “It sucks being on the road with all guys, doesn’t it?”

“I am like a fucking den mother,” Anna complained, and I lost them. They went off bitching about men, and my tour manager caught me before I could follow them, and then Howie was there.

“Is that Rachel over there talking to Anna?”

“Yes,” I said. “She’s going to be up in VIP with you. Keep an eye on her.”

“Do you think she’s going to run away?”

“No,” I said. “Maybe. I don’t know.”

“Why is she here?”

Howie didn’t know about the six month deal? I thought the world knew about that. I knew AJ did.

“We had drinks tonight. Just a friends thing.”

“You look pretty excited to be just a friends thing,” Howie said skeptically.

“Shut up,” I said, shoving him a little, but he just laughed.

“Mr. Dorough, the show’s going to start soon, if you want to take your seat,” someone from the venue said, and Howie gave me a look that said ‘this is not over,’ but smiled at the nice lady.

“A friend is coming, too. Rachel!” he called, and she looked up, grinning when she realized it was him. “We need to sit.”

She and Anna came over to us, and Howie gave Anna a hug, then Rachel. We said good-bye, and have a good show, and all of that, and Rachel kissed my cheek. “Good show, bunny,” she said softly, walking away with Howie.

She called me ‘bunny.’ I knew it was nothing. It was just a rush as she got dragged away, and that’s what she would say to me before a show, if she was with me, or just on the phone, or in an email or text message.

But… ‘bunny’.

Did I just call him ‘bunny’? Shit.

“What are you doing here?” Howie asked, as we followed someone up to the balcony, to the VIP box.

“Watching a friend’s show?” I wasn’t sure myself, but I wasn’t sure Howie was the one I wanted to be sharing that with. Nick could weasel anything out of Howie, because he was too nice.

“Is this that six month thing that AJ told me about?”

“Do all of our friends talk behind our backs?” I complained and Howie gave me an ‘of course’ look and I had to laugh.

“We all knew JC was gay long before he came out, too.”

“The man has worn sparkly flowered pants on stage. And toe rings in the summer. I think the only person who didn’t know was his mother.”

The venue person held a curtain back for us, and Howie ducked through. I could hear the screams when he was recognized, and I sank into a seat in the back row of chairs. Shit. I shouldn’t have come. Howie sat down near the railing, and looked back for me. “Come up… oh.”

He sat next to me in the back. “We can’t see as well from here.”

“Can’t be seen, either,” I said.

“Are you a secret?”

“No… but if they see me, they’ll think we’re back together, and the gossip pages might pick it up, and… hasn’t Nick had enough publicity recently?”

“Yes, but you are good publicity. Not like that other one.”

“Not a fan of Paris Hilton, Howie?” I teased. I did like winning the ‘who’s the better girlfriend’ contest.

He shuddered. “Not really. And she just proved all my bad first impressions with letting the world believe that he hit her.”

“I know! More proof that I am the only decent woman that Nick’s ever dated.”

“Absolutely,” Howie agreed, smiling. “So take him back.”

I didn’t have to answer, because the lights went down, and the crowd erupted. It might be a smaller crowd than the normal Backstreet show, but they were just as enthusiastic.

Nick ran onto the stage and my heart melted. Yeah. This was my Nick. He’d been a little unsure and nervous all night, talking to me, but this was the Nick I knew and loved. It was nothing like a Backstreet show- no dancers, no harmonies, nothing blowing up. It was just Nick and his songs, flailing around the stage, sweaty and over-emoting and… fantastic.

The fans loved it, singing along and dancing, and I could feel Nick’s joy all the way up here in the balcony. He played with the band, especially Anna, and it was obvious how much fun they were all having.

He didn’t need to sell out stadiums to be happy. He could just do this forever and live off the residuals from ‘I Want It That Way.’ Since we’d been apart and I’d watched Justin’s solo album crush Nick’s, I’d wondered about that. Was it the music or the money?

The music. I’d known that, deep down, since I’d watched him make this album and become more of a musician that he’d ever been with the Boys, but… I still wondered. It was so different for him. I’d been laboring with the love of the music for a long time before we had any success, but it had always been more of a job to him.

I was glad to see it was about the music in the end. That he could be happy like this, playing little clubs and singing songs that only the fans knew.

It just… It would be easier if he didn’t love this so much. I was a sucker for rock stars. I’d almost wanted him to be doing this tour for the money, and acting like a guy who could have loved Paris freaking Hilton.

But he wasn’t. He was still my Nick. The good Nick, not the self-absorbed guy that I’d walked away from six months ago. The guy on the stage down there was the Nick I’d fallen in love with.

I shouldn’t have come. I’d been just getting over him, ready to let go, and now I had to see him dancing around the stage, grinning up at me every once in a while, and my heart was going to break all over again.

Every time I looked up to the balcony, Rachel was smiling at me. She wasn’t talking to Howie or checking messages on her phone or looking around for a cute guy to flirt with, she was smiling at me like she always did when she was at one of my shows. That smile that made me want to sing every song just to her. They were all about her anyway.

My songs had become something else since the album dropped and we started doing promo. I’d started just thinking of them as just songs, like all the Backstreet songs that I hadn’t written and just sang. I’d never really thought about it. Part of me had just figured that now my songs were just products, and I was selling them like every other song I’d ever done in my life.

But with Rachel up there watching… I knew I’d stopped thinking about my songs too much because it hurt too much to think of Rachel. Now she was here and I remembered everything- how I’d write lyrics when we were apart and I was missing her, how she’d sit with me and help me with phrases or chords or intros, the look on her face when I played some of them for the first time.

She knew the story behind every song the way no one else did. Maybe not as much as I did, because at the end, I was a shit and barely talking to her, and that was so stupid. I wanted to give her all of my songs now. I pulled on my guitar for “Not Like You,” trying to remember if she knew this one. No one did, really. It wasn’t on the album, but I loved it and the fans were driving themselves crazy trying to figure out the lyrics.

Anna caught my eye as I belted out the chorus, and I grinned at her. Anna knew all of my songs now. But even she didn’t know all the stories behind them. She could probably guess. Anna knew me better than anyone. She knew me well enough not to ask.

She’d asked me what was going on with Rachel in the minute or two before we came onstage, and I didn’t have an answer. She’d given me a knowing look and I’d shaken my head. I didn’t want Rachel back. It was too big and scary and…

Exactly what I wanted. For a couple of hours, I’d thought that friends would be good. I could have a little bit of Rachel in my life again. I could handle that. No problem.

AJ would tell me that one drink was too many for an alcoholic. And a little bit of Rachel was too much for me. Or not enough. Whichever.

Not when she was smiling down at me like this and every song was for her. I couldn’t be friends with her.

The show was almost over, and my mind was racing to what happened next. How did I tell her I wanted her back? What if she said no?

What if she said yes?

“I Got You” was always her song. I ended the show with it because I knew I sang it well, but now I wanted her to hear every word again.

“People tell me you stay where you belong
But all my life, I've tried to prove them wrong
They say I'm looking for
Something that can't be found…”

I opened my eyes, looking for her, but… Howie was alone in the box. He shrugged when he saw me searching for her, and my heart sank.

Of course she was gone. She’d been hiding in the back of the box all night. She didn’t want anyone to see her, and she didn’t want to be caught with me backstage. It would start all sorts of rumors, and she didn’t want that.

“The world on the outside's trying to pull me in
But they can't touch me
Cause I got you...”

This was the saddest song in the world when I didn’t got anyone. Rachel used to protect me from everything- my family, the band, the business- none of it mattered when I had her.

I dropped the mic as the last notes faded out, leaving the stage with a quick wave to the crowd. I knew we had to do an encore, but I needed a minute. Just a minute to stop thinking of Rachel and go back to my normal life. My normal life was fine. I had my music and friends and as many girls as I wanted.

My heart sank at the thought of picking up a random groupie tonight. Not tonight. I wanted… something real tonight.

Rachel was next to the door leading outside when I got backstage, talking to someone from the venue, and I said her name before I could think about it. I managed to stop myself from saying ‘don’t go!’

“Sneaking out?” I managed instead, walking over to her.

“No,” she said, smiling. “I just…”

Our eyes met for a long moment, and I knew that at least I wasn’t imagining her sweet smile out there. It was the same smile, and she felt the same way, just like I did. It wasn’t enough, but it was something.

I heard Anna say her name from behind us, and Rachel flashed her a smile. “Give me three minutes,” she said, grabbing my shirt and dragging me across the room.

“Rache? What’s wrong?” I asked, as she opened the door to the bathroom and pushed me inside.

“Nothing,” she answered, locking the door behind us and leaning against it, just looking at me for a moment.

Did she want me to say something? Because I would. What I really wanted to do take her in my arms and kiss her, but I’d talk if that’s what she wanted.

“You were always the brave one, Nick. You chased me, and you said you loved me first, and now I have to. I know we hurt each other, and I know we both have done a million stupid things in the last six months- although you did way stupider things than I did- and I know that we probably shouldn’t do this. I had just gotten to the point where I was happy being single. I liked being single. But… not as much I love you. I can’t just walk away tonight and wonder what might have happened. I have to-“

“Rachel,” I said, taking a step towards her. “Stop talking.”

I cupped her face in my hands and kissed her, without thinking or breathing or anything else. If I didn’t kiss her, I’d die. She opened up to me, wrapping her arms around my waist and pulling me closer to her body.

Nothing mattered but her. I forgot everything else - the show, the encore, all the stupid things I’d done in the last six months - and I just kissed her, pressing her up against the door when I couldn’t get any closer to her.

I kissed her until there was a knock at the door, right next to my head, and we both jumped. “Nick,” Anna said, her voice close, like she was leaning her head on the door so that we could hear her. “We have to do the encore.”

“One minute,” I said, looking down at Rachel, my hands still around her pretty face.

We just looked at one another for a second. “I love you,” I whispered, and she gave me the biggest smile I’d ever seen.

“I love you, too, bunny.”

I shut my eyes at the name. “Say it again.”

She giggled. “Bunny. Did you actually miss that?”

“More than I knew until you just said it. Because…”

Because Rachel Connor’s bunny was a good thing to be. I was a better person when I was her bunny, and I wanted to be him again. It was a stupid nickname, but it was mine, and I was hers and…

I didn’t have time to say any of that

“I have to go,” I said.

“I know,” she said. “You’re awesome out there. Go be more awesome. Just… go first.”

I smiled at her subterfuge. “Do you think no one noticed?”

“I hope not. Except Anna. Go.”

She tried to push me away, but I had to kiss her one more time. Then she pushed me away and I slipped out. “There he is,” said Anna.

“What?” I asked, as the band started back to the stage. “I had to pee!”

I actually did have to pee, but I didn’t have time for that now.

Anna hung back, waiting until we had a second where no one was listening. “If you want to keep this a secret, you’d better wipe that grin off your face.”

“I don’t think I can,” I admitted, and she laughed at me.

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