“So, he just doesn’t dance,” Nick says with an easy
shrug as we sit around a conference table with Johnny, going over the game
plan.
“Yeah, stick ‘em in a corner with a mike,” Howie
teases.
“We could roll him out on a stretcher,” Brian
offers.
“And give the audience a heart attack,” Kevin
finishes. “But maybe a wheelchair?”
“Hell, I could just phone and you can have a mike
propped up,” I interject.
All enthusiastically agree, nodding profusely. “That’ll work,” Howie says. “Even better!
Satellite transmitted from your bedroom!”
“Dude…that could be dangerous,” Nick giggles
gleefully. “He sleeps in the nude, don’t
you?”
“We can have coordinating pajamas,” Kevin
suggests. “Pull a Hugh Hefner. It’s time, right? We can do that, can’t we, Johnny?”
“I’d hold off on that for a bit, guys,” Johnny
says, still laughing under his breath at the great brainstorm of ideas. I
love these guys, right? They’re my
friends? “But we could have sheets that
coordinate to your outfits.”
“Cool!”
Brian cheers. “Toga! Toga!
Toga!” he starts chanting and the rest of them join in.
“We’re not solving anything,” I call over them,
throwing a crumpled up piece of paper at Howie, who's directly across from me.
Easy target.
“I think they’re great ideas,” Johnny says, sitting
down at the head of the table. “Very
inspired.”
“No one’s ever done it before!” Kevin continues
optimistically. “It’s ground breaking!”
“All of you…bite
me,” I say, grabbing my crotch under the table, not that they can see that,
but they know. “I’m going along!”
“Yeah, you just want the sympathy,” Howie
teases. “All the attention.”
“Well, why else would I have done this? It’s all about attention!” I look around the table. “Again, bite
me!”
And this time, Brian leans over and bites my shoulder. “Hmm…tastes like chicken.”
“Dude!” I exclaim.
“What’re you gonna do?” He moves his chair out and stands up. “Come on…catch me! Oh, wait, you can’t…”
“Oh, but just wait till I can!” I warn, busting
everyone else up again.
“Yeah, we’ll be hearing a lot of that, won’t we?”
Nick asks. “How long do we have to wait
again? Six? Eight weeks?”
“And then what?” Kevin questions. “What’s he gonna do?”
“Don’t go there, Old Man,” I warn. “It’ll get ugly. Yo, Johnny…can you rein them in, please?” I
ask, looking down the table.
“Alright, guys,” he says calmly, “let Alex think he
can some revenge on you, okay? Play
nice.”
“I hate you all,” I grumble playfully as they all
laugh. Even when I’m the butt of the
joke, I still have to admit that I've missed having them around. I just don’t have this much fun with anyone
else. Never did. And when we stopped being able to do this, we
all knew it was time for a break. I’m
even going to say I think the rest of them missed each other as much as I have,
in spite of all the changes. We’re still
exactly who we were, older, but just as dorky as we were ten years ago when
we'd all get in a room together. “So,
basically, this means I’m out of further rehearsals, right? While you all are up at the crack of dawn
learning steps, I can sleep in?”
“Hey…” Nick’s the first to figure out what I’m
saying. “That’s not right, is it? He still has to come, doesn’t he?”
“And do what?
Sit on a stool and watch y’all screw up and do push ups?”
“Well…technically,” Johnny starts with a slow nod,
“there’s really no point for him to be there, so, I guess, yeah.”
There’s a room full of griping as I sit back and
put my hands behind my head triumphantly.
“Guess it sucks to be you!” I look directly at Nick. “So, that’s how long, Nicky? Six?
Eight weeks?”
“You’ll have to learn it eventually,” Kevin reminds
me.
“Yeah, but…not right now,” I smirk with a quick nod
and lifting a finger. “I actually get to
see my girlfriend for a while.”
“That’ll get old,” Nicky mumbles, and I think part
of that is wishful thinking or self-pity or something.
“Don’t hold your breath,” I answer. “So, okay.” I stand up and grab my crutches.
“Bye, kids! Have fun storming the
castle!’”
“Well, which guy was it?” Miranda’s saying as we
sit on the couch watching TV. Actually,
we sit, the TV is on, and I’m flipping channels more than watching
anything. “
“Yeah, that’s optimistic,” I chuckle. “I’m just gonna sit here and get fat. That’s what’s going to happen to me.”
“You’ll lose whatever you gain when you have to do
physical therapy, and once you get on tour.”
“Yeah, and in the meantime I get to sit in between
Kevin and Howie? We can play ‘Pudge in
the Middle.’ Who’s the short, balding,
fat guy?”
“Who are you kidding? I was one of those old ladies screaming in
the crowd on the last tour when you pulled your shirt over your head. And no one is saying you can’t do a few sit
ups, or lift a few weights.” She nudges
me with her feet from the opposite side of the couch. “Damn, internationally acclaimed pop stars
just don’t have the egos like they used to,” she giggles.
“You’ve never seen Kevin in front of a mirror,” I
inform her. “Internationally acclaimed
pop star egos are alive and thriving, thank you very much.”
“Yeah, but that’s Kevin.” She gives me a sideways
glance and smiles. “And hell, if I
looked like that, I’d be checking out myself in the mirror too. Not only to see how good I looked, but to
make sure the eyebrows haven’t grown back while I wasn’t looking.”
I give a teasing look at her. “Does someone have a little crush on the
Kevster?” I tease.
She laughs and closes her eyes, shrugging as she
turns her attention to the TV. “Someone
might like to check out the scenery on occasion, yes. What can I say? He’s pretty.”
I nod playfully.
“I’ll have to keep my eye on you.”
“Not likely.
He’s pretty, but my heart
belongs to you, baby. You have those
lovely, dark brown eyes that melt me
when you look at me.” She leans over to
trace her finger over my forearm. “And
you have the tattoos that I can trace, and I told you about me screaming my
head off when you pull off your shirt, right?”
“I’ve never heard you scream when I got naked.”
She laughs.
“I’m screaming in my head. Don’t
worry.”
“Good to know,” I laugh. “But do you scream in your head when Kevin’s
around and stripping?”
“When has
Kevin ever stripped on stage? He’s kept himself covered every time I’ve
seen you live and in the recent videos.” She squints a little. “I do remember saying a universal thank you
to the stylist though when they ripped his shirt in ‘Everybody.’ That was a nice touch of scenery. But we were always amazed at how dorky
everyone looked except for you. You were always the one that could carry
off anything and make it look incredibly sexy.”
“Me?” She’s just pumping my ego now.
“Yes, you! Damn, Alex, nothing you do comes off
dorky. Come on…Phantom of the
Opera? It’s like sex on a stick in that
video. And then the dancing…”
“Why do I forget that you’re a fan?”
“Because I’m a fan second. I like what’s offstage more.” She climbs across the couch and fits herself
between it and me, resting her head on my shoulder. “So, technically, I can be a Kevin fan ,
can’t I? 'Cause I just know what I like
about him on stage: the shallow stuff like how he moves his hips and the way he
looks…”
“You’re pushin’ it,” I chuckle, and she laughs,
“but as long as I have your heart….”
She lifts her head
and smiles directly at me.
“Always.” Giving me a kiss, she
rests back down against me. And Nick
thinks I’m going to get tired of this? Not likely.
“Miranda? A Denise is on line two for you.”
Immediately,
my palms are sweating. Denise? Why would Denise be calling me at work? What happened to Alex? I clear my throat and press line two, trying
to sound friendly, yet professional.
“Miranda Johnson…” Yeah, that
sounded too perky even to me. Why does
she make me so nervous? She’s always
been perfectly friendly! I’ve had this
problem all my life. Someone says
‘parent’ to me, and I just freak out.
“Hi,
Miranda, it’s Denise, Alex’s mom…”
“Oh,
hi!” And that sounds overly
friendly. Stop
trying so hard, Miranda! “How’re you?”
“I’m
sorry to bother you at work. I’m sure
you’re busy.”
“Not
a problem. What can I do for you?” Fine, so I’m treating her like she’s a hotel
guest, but I’m good
with hotel guests: polite, professional, caring.
“Well,
I called you at work because I wanted to check up on Alex. He’s telling me ‘fine, fine, fine,’ but I
know Alex. He’s concerned, isn’t he?”
“Well,
of course he’s concerned,” I answer, blinking at the phone. “It’s a major time in their careers…”
“No,
I didn’t mean that. I meant
personally. Is he okay with the
painkillers?”
There
we go. That’s what she’s calling
about. You just know she wants to
believe in him, but there’s a lot of trust to earn back, and here he is, facing
a demon and not talking to her. “He’s
actually doing great with them, Denise.
I think he’s starting to understand the difference between pain and
addiction. He just needed to face it to
realize it, I think.” She’s quiet for a
moment, and I’m not sure what that means.
“Denise?”
“I’m
just so relieved to hear you say that,” she says, and it's obvious in her
voice, that relief.
“He’s
doing great, considering. Really.”
“Thank
you…really. You’re a smart woman. You
know I had my doubts.”
“I…figured
that, yeah.”
“Well,
I’m sorry. I have to admit, you’ve been
very good for him. He’s very comfortable
with you, and after everything he’s been through, that’s been very comforting
for me.”
“Well,
I’m glad I can do something
for him after everything he’s done for me.”
“It’s
just nice to see him with people who don’t just take everything from him and
not even bother trying to give back after so long. He’s been on the right track, and after he
cheated on Sarah, I was worried, but… I
don’t think I have to.”
“I
don’t think you do, either. He’s…very
strong, and when he’s not, he’s strong enough to ask for help.”
“Hey,
baby…we’re just about ready to head out.”
He really must mean just ready
because I can hear a bunch of voices around him and muffled music growing
louder.
“Nervous?”
“Pumped,”
he says without hesitation. “Listen, I’m
giving the phone to Leigh so you can hear.
That cool?”
“Really?”
I squeal. I’ve been roaming around my
house, grumbling to no one about the injustice of having to work and not be
able to go to
He
laughs. “Yeah, really. It’s gonna be loud, so I don’t know how good
it’ll be, but we’ll give it a shot.”
“How’s
the crowd? Have you peeked?”
“Boys
II Men are out there!” he tells me excitedly.
“Of course I’ve
peeked! They’re just…damn, they’re
fucking great! And the crowd is totally
into it.”
“Sounds
it,” I laugh, amused by his excitement.
“What?”
he calls as the noise gets louder.
“I
said, sounds it!” I yell into the phone.
“Yeah,
look, baby, it’s getting really loud.
I’m gonna hand you over to Leigh now.
If you get disconnected, call her back.
The phone’s on vibrate so she’ll know, okay?” I answer him, but there’s really no
point. It’s just getting too loud from
wherever it is that he’s standing.
“Okay,” he says. “Wish us luck! Love ya, baby!” I answer him, although I’m certain he doesn’t
hear me, saying that I love him too and telling him to break a leg. Isn’t it bad luck to wish someone ‘good luck’
before they go on stage? Even if he’s
hobbling around on a crutch, I don’t want to curse him.
So,
I curl myself up into the corner of the couch and close my eyes, trying to
visualize the show. I’ve been to some of
the rehearsals, know what the moves are, know what they’re capable of, and know
that Alex is nervous going out there, regardless of how prepared they are. It’s been three years since they’ve done this
, and he’s worried about having lost the fans.
He knows they’re out there, we see them all the time, but he’s still
worried. No amount of me telling him he
has nothing to fear eases that fear.
But, truly, I am blown away by what I’ve seen, and more so, by what I’ve
heard.
And
by what I’m hearing over the phone now?
He’s definitely not worried, or caring, at this very moment. The place is going wild, and it’s almost
impossible to hear them…until they break into their harmonies. When they do that, they are a force of nature
and come through loud and clear, pitch perfect, right on key, and my heart soars hearing it.
I find myself flopping onto the couch, gaping at the ceiling with a
permanent grin plastered on my face. I
can’t help but laugh – not because it’s funny, but because it’s just amazing. I’m
just so excited and happy for them
because they’ve got a firm hold of that magic that makes them who they are.
“God,
I wanted to dance!” he exclaims later on.
My ear is red and burning from having it pressed to my ear all night,
but I’ll be damned if I’m going to hang up.
I want to climb through the wires and be with him, jump into his arms
and kiss that goofy, pretty face of his all over. “Did you hear any of it? We’re getting the soundboard tape of it,
but…did you hear anything? What’d you
think?”
I’m
laughing. He’s soaring on
adrenaline. It’s obvious in his voice,
and he’s just rambling. Life on fast
forward, he told me once. Coming
offstage, and rushing around on that adrenaline is like the world is on fast
forward. “I heard harmonies, baby,” I
tell him excitedly. “Every single one of
them. Damn, baby, I’m just blown
away! You totally rocked! Totally off the chain…you blew them away!”
“Nah…they
blew us away! Did you hear them? They were insane! And fuck, do you have any idea how hard it is to just stand there? God damn it! I almost said screw it and danced, but…”
“But
then you tried it and decided against it, right?”
“Well,
yeah… But still!” he laughs. Closing my eyes, I can just see the grin on his face.
He did well, and he knows it.
“So,
were the fans nuts when you tried to leave?
You took a while getting back to the hotel.”
“Not
nuts, just excited,” he says warmly.
“Good…it was really
good.”
“They
missed you, baby,” I tell him warmly. “I
told you they missed you.”
“I
miss you more,” he answers. “Damn, I
wish you could have been here…could be here now.”
“I
was there. I heard everything, and I’m talking to you
now…that counts for something, right?”
Silver lining, oh silver lining…where art thou? That was a good attempt at it, though, wasn’t
it?
“Better
than nothing,” he agrees, and I hear a heavy exhale. “And, man, it’s good to lay down.”
“Oh,
now you’re just teasing me,” I chuckle.
He
laughs in return. “And what are you wearing?”
“Not
what your imagination has me wearing,” I giggle, “because I’m heading off to
fill in the late shift.”
“And
then you’re getting on a plane and coming here, right?”
“Only
in your dreams, baby. I’ll see you on
Tuesday.”
“You’re
such a downer! That’s totally the wrong
answer!”
“Reality
sucks sometimes, what can I say? But if
you want me to call you when I get off my shift, I can go into further detail
and even put on the outfit your imagination wants me to wear.”
“Yeah,”
he scoffs, “and I might
hear the phone ring too, at six in the morning.”
“Depends
on how much you want the right answer in your sleep.”
“Andi! Why didn’t you blow off work? I so would have blown off work for something
like that!”
“And
then what? When I come home and find out
I'm unemployed, I’d do…what? There will
be other shows!” Granted, I’m not doing all that much work. Instead, I’m too pumped up and pissed off
that I have to work to actually do anything other than call my friends and
whine that I can’t be with my boyfriend.
“Can you imagine the sex I’d be having right now if I wasn’t being a responsible adult?”
“Why
do you think I said you should have blown off your job? Hell, there are a million hotels out
there. You’d get another job in no time,
but great sex with a major pop star coming offstage for the first time in three
years? Dude…you fucked up,” she laughs,
teasing me. All I do is whimper into the
phone, something along the lines of ‘it’s not fair.’ “The least you could have done was send me in
your place," she continues. "I
could have given you the blow by blow account of what was going on on stage at
any rate.”
“I
know what was going on onstage. I’ve
been to the rehearsals, remember? It’s
what’s going on offstage
that I’m missing! Damn it, Hannah, I’m
in love with him. I mean, really, truly,
disgustingly in love with him, aren’t I?
Did you just hear me? I just said
I didn’t care what happened onstage. I
just want to be with him. He’s in such a good mood…I just want to be there with
him and share it. I am totally fucked.”
“You’re
just figuring this out now? Andi, honey,
I’ve heard it in your voice for weeks now!”
“I’m
not just figuring it out now…I’m just… I
don’t know what I am! I just really want
to be with him right now. What am I
going to do when he goes on tour and I’m stuck for months without him, and I won't even be able to hear him
sing every night over the phone? I’m
going to do something really stupid, aren’t I?”
“No,”
she says calmly. “You don’t do stupid
things. You’re smarter than that. But it’s going to drive you insane.”
“It
is, isn’t it?”
“And
you might be using a lot more of those vacation days this year.”
“Oh,
there’s no doubt about that. I might
even get pneumonia or something and have to call in sick. Can you believe it?”
“You busy?” I ask as soon as I hear her voice. She’s basically just on shift…at least, I think so. I’m all sorts of fucked up on this time
difference thing.
“Shouldn’t you be sleeping?” she asks, and I hear
concern, but also a smile in her voice.
“What time is it?”
“About two,” I answer, glancing at the bedside
clock, “in the morning. We went out and
had dinner after the show tonight, and we’ve been hanging out for awhile. Kevin logged on for debate information and
when he started ranting, I left.”
She’s chuckling in my ear, and it’s such an amazing
sound, distant as it is. “Not interested
in what’s happening back here in the
“Interested, yes, but not interested in hearing
Kevin go off on the same exact things he’s been going off on for the last six
months. I kind of want to shake him by
the shoulders and scream ‘Yes! I know already!’ at him, but I know it wouldn’t
matter.”
“He’s a little passionate about things, isn’t he?”
“He doesn’t know when to shut up,” I tell her,
quite frankly. “Besides, I was only
trying to stay awake so I could call.”
“You’re so sweet,” she cooes in my ear, “and I miss
you like crazy.”
“You too, baby.
Am I missing anything exciting?”
“Well, the debate was on…” she starts, but cracks
up when I groan miserably. “What kind of
excitement could there be when you’re not here to excite me?” Now that’s
what I like to hear! “Besides, all I’m
doing is going to work. You’re the one
traveling all over the place! What’s it
like? What have you done? Where have you gone? How are the shows?” Man, she’s so excited. I can hear it in her voice; she really wants
to know everything we’ve been doing. “I
mean, you sound kind of tired, but it is
two in the morning…but other than that?
Is it going well? Are you having
fun?”
“Probably the most fun we’ve had on the road since
we’ve started,” I admit to her, feeling a smile on my face. It’s such a huge relief. No, really…a huge relief. There were all
these questions of whether or not we could hold onto it, how I’d feel being
back out here, how the music would go over, if the fans would be there. And it’s like jumping right back in the pool,
but this time, they turned on the heater so it’s a lot more enjoyable than
swimming in the cold, and we’re all
in the pool, not just taking turns.
‘Dinner…but the whole family is at the table…’ I think that’s what Brian
said before. It was a good dinner,
tonight, just us sitting around and hanging out and talking and going over
whatever we wanted. Of course, I had
smacks come at me from four different directions when I said ‘watch, now we’ll
all get food poisoning…’ But we laughed.
And I noticed a lot of just sitting back and
listening. We’re laughing a lot more,
even onstage, and it’s just something… I
mean, I knew it was becoming a drag for me last time around, but now that
we’re… I mean…it’s the littlest things
I’m noticing now that we weren’t doing last time. Things that we used to do all the time
without thinking, that, somewhere along the way, we stopped doing. And maybe we should pay more attention to
that this time around. Things like,
spontaneity...Nick and Kevin climbing the rafters! We’re laughing in the middle of a note. Hell, we touch
each other again. Stupid things, like
slinging an arm around each other just because the guy is standing there...on and offstage. When was the last time we did that? And being forced to sit for the first half, I
got to see a lot more than I usually do.
We’re playing with each other again, stupid pranks, practical jokes,
teasing, and no one is taking any offense or reading too much into it. We know who we are again, I guess. And we like who the other person is…. Kind of like, ‘oh, yeah, I remember you! I remember doing this! This is supposed to be fun…’ and it is!
Swimming in a pool…having dinner with the
family…Brian, Kevin, Nick, Howie and me being friends. It’s what it’s
supposed to be, in other words. And the
spotlight. I’m not afraid of being seen in it, and even less afraid of being
seen when it goes out. For the first
time I can remember, I’m not questioning everything
when it goes out. I’m not beating myself
up when I go back to the room. I don’t
want to hide from that person that walks off the stage. I recognize his faults, and I’m okay with
them. Out of anything, that relief is
the biggest one of all. Alex can pull this off just fine.
“Baby…I think you’re sleeping,” I hear in my ear
gently.
“Oh, shit…” I mumble, opening my eyes quickly. What time was it the last time I looked?
“Go to sleep, baby,” she chuckles softly. “You’ll be home soon, and we’ll spend hours
talking about it all, okay?”
“Yeah…I think you’re right. It’s getting pretty hard to keep my eyes
open.”
“Sleep, baby.
I love you for calling me…hell, I just love you, but we’ll talk later on.”
“Love you, too, Andi.”
And as I hang up the phone, I simply smile. Yeah…today was a very good day.
And man I
hate flying. I hate the whole damn
thing. I hate waiting in the
airport. I hate being stuck on a plane
for hours on end. I hate waiting for
luggage. I hate Customs. I hate it…but somehow, it’s all worth it when
I come home, drop my crap at the door and head upstairs to the bedroom to find
Miranda sleeping in my bed. The sun is
streaming in through the window, making the highlights radiate a deep red in
her brown hair as it spills over the pillow.
She’s wearing my ‘I say ‘no’ to drugs’ tee shirt, hugging a pillow to
her with the sheet barely covering her.
It might be the most beautiful sight I’ve ever
seen, the most welcoming. I wasn’t
expecting her to be here. She hadn’t
said yes, officially, to moving in. She
only said that it would be too weird being here without me, but…here she
is. And it looks like she’s been here when
I take a quick look around the room.
There’s make-up on the chest of drawers, a laundry basket with her
clothes by the door – my underwear has never
been pink – and a few other things that just don’t look right.
I move over to the side of the bed and get down on
my knees, leaning slightly on the mattress, and brush a finger gently over her
forehead, smiling at her once her eyes flutter open. “Hey…” I say softly, leaning over to kiss
her.
“Hey, yourself,” she answers with a lazy, sleepy
grin. “Welcome home.” She stretches slightly, and resettles her
head on the pillow.
“I wasn’t expecting you to be here.”
“Disappointed?”
“Best surprise ever.” I kiss her again. It’s only been three weeks, but still…I’ve
missed kissing her. I rest my chin on the
mattress, still caressing her forehead, unable to keep from smiling.
She blinks slowly.
“What?”
“What, what?”
“You’re looking at me funny.” She
takes my hand into hers, caressingthe back of it with her thumb.
“I’m just really glad you’re here. I missed you.”
“I missed you too.
Know what I said about it being weird here without you?” I just nod.
“Well, I missed you more when I was home. Being here,” she shifts, moving closer to me,
giving me another quick kiss, “made me feel like you weren’t that far away.”
“So…what does that mean?”
“You’re stuck with me – if your offer is still
good.”
“Like I said, best surprise ever.”