Take the Fall

By Cori

“Leave me be, I don’t want to love you,

I just get confused and I come all undone…”

-- Sarah McLaughlin, ‘After Glow’

Kevin put the phone receiver down and inhaled deeply, staring up at the plain white ceiling. Just a few hours ago they’d arrived at the hotel from JFK and he was certain every one of them had slept in the van as they made their way into Manhattan, each of them suffering horribly from the jet lag from their flights from Kuala Lumpur. Once they checked in, all he did was strip and climb between the sheets. During the walk to their rooms, he was certain he could feel the world moving on its axis he was so drained. Somehow, he considered, these few hours weren’t going to make a huge difference – but it was better than nothing.

And he had to be on today, not only for the limited press, but more importantly, for Chelsea. He hadn’t seen her in weeks, although there were plenty of phone calls. Each time she asked when she was going to see her again, he could feel his heart ache. Katie would be arriving later this morning so they could spend the day together and they’d stay for the show at Irving Plaza the next day. She sounded very excited to be visiting him and he smiled to himself. There was, at least, a bond forming between them.

He kicked the blankets down and forced himself to sit up, exhaling heavily. And then there was Katie… They remained friendly, but he could sense the weird tension between them when he called. Their conversations weren’t as intricate, more polite than anything, and he couldn’t figure out a way to get her to open up again. He considered that it might be his own wishful thinking, not really wanting to believe that she truly wasn’t interested, wondering what he needed to do differently. There was nothing wrong with politeness, but he hated it. It only made them seem more impossible.

“Oh, Keeeevvviiiiinnnnn!” AJ called from the hallway. “Keeeeevvvinnnnn! I have something for you!” he teased. Kevin opened the door and found AJ carrying Chelsea over his shoulder, her legs kicking as she giggled. “Munchkin was roaming the lobby down there,” he told Kevin, depositing her into his arms and placing a kiss on the girls forehead loudly.

The moment her small arms wrapped around his neck, Kevin closed his eyes and squeezed her tightly, kissing the side of her head. “Hi, Darlin’.”

“Uncle AJ kidnapped me,” she giggled, kissing Kevin’s cheek. “But I knew he was going to bring me to you.”

“He’s an okay guy,” Kevin said with a slow nod and smiled at AJ.

“Katie’s checking in and I gave her my key to get up,” AJ said. “And, dude, you have to find out what she’s feeding this kid! Chelsea, how come you grow so fast? Next time I see you, you’ll be up to here!” He lifted his hand to his shoulder.

“I will not,” Chelsea argued, squirming out of Kevin’s arms. “I’ll be this big,” she corrected him, putting her hand up to his chest.

“That’s still too big, Munchkin,” he told her. “But if you must.”

“I must,” she answered distinctly.

“Alright…” He pouted. “I’ll let you then.”

They headed into the room, leaving the door open for Katie. Chelsea went in and ran to the window, and mumbled ‘wow,’ turning to Kevin and AJ. “This is so cool!” She turned back to the window and stood on her tippy toes. “The people down there are tiny!” She moved away and went around as if she was inspecting the room. “Everything was really small on the airplane, too.”

“You liked flying?”

She considered it for a minute and shrugged. “I didn’t like my ears popping so much. That was a pain.”

“Chew gum,” AJ advised, settling onto one of the chairs. “Or yawn.”

“I held my nose and pretended to blow,” she said. “That kind of worked, but I had to do it a lot.”

“You know you shrink your brain if you do that,” AJ warned.

Chelsea put her hands on her hips and tilted her head as she rolled her eyes. “Mom said it’s not allowed to lie.”

Kevin and AJ cracked up at the seriousness of her tone and expression. “He’s just teasin’ ya, Baby,” Kevin said, sitting down and taking Chelsea by her hips to bring her closer to him. He kissed her forehead and smoothed her hair lightly. “You hungry? Take a look over there.” He pointed to the mini fridge.

She hopped over and opened the door, her eyes widening. “Oh! M&M’s!”

“Go ahead,” Kevin said and she grabbed them quickly.

“Already with the chocolate? You’re such a bad influence,” she teased, coming into the room. Kevin stood up immediately, smiling broadly. How is it that they could fly from LA to New York and look wiped out and exhausted, but she looked casual and refreshed as if she’d just taken a walk around the block in the cold wind? “At least say thank you, Chels.”

“Thank you,” she mumbled with a mouthful of chocolate.

“How was the flight?” Kevin asked, moving over to kiss her cheek.

Katie just tilted her head side to side. “It was a flight,” she answered, handing AJ his key. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” AJ said, eyeing up Kevin and winking to Katie. “I’ll see you guys a little later?”

“Probably,” Kevin said, wondering if AJ could see the strange awkwardness between them. “Stay out of trouble.”

“Tell that to this one,” AJ patted Chelsea’s head. “She looks like a trouble maker.” Again, Chelsea rolled her eyes, but turned her focus to the candy in her hand, separating the colors in her palm.

“So, have y’all eaten anything? Do you want to get some real food?”

“Oh, mom! You have to look out the window! Everything is so small!”

Katie grinned and looked to Kevin. “Food would be a great idea. Is there someplace we could actually walk to? I just want to stretch my legs out a bit.”

“I’m sure we can find something,” he assured her.

Katie walked casually alongside Kevin as Chelsea burned off some energy as they made their way through Central Park. She tried not to be too obvious in checking him out, but she couldn’t help but wonder how he was able to walk around without everyone turning to look at him. Famous or not, he was one of those people that everyone looked at because he just looked like he was someone. There really wasn’t anything unassuming about him. He was supposed to be somebody.

“Man, I’d kill for about an ounce of her energy right now,” he commented, watching Chelsea run circles around the park benches lining the walkway, singing at the top of her lungs some song she was making up as she went along.

“We’re a pair,” she chuckled. “A bunch of zombies with Jetlag.”

“You ain’t kiddin’,” he answered with his own quiet laugh. “At least the ground stopped spinning under my feet.”

“That’s always a plus. It could suck if the stage moved under you while you all were dancing. Bunch of Backstreet Boys in a pile up makes for very bad press.”

“Who cares about the press,” Kevin asked, looking partly serious.

“I would think that you all might be a little concerned.”

He wrinkled his lip and shrugged slightly. “They’re gonna say whatever they want to say. We’re more worried about the audience. It’s been awhile since we’ve done anything and who knows if they’re going to show up, much less like the new stuff.”

“Didn’t you say it basically sold out?”

“Yeah.”

“And that doesn’t tell you anything?” He just shrugged again and stuck his hands in the pockets of his black leather coat. “You’re all such insecure freaks, it amazes me you’re pop stars,” she giggled, looping her arm through his. “It’s going to be amazing, you’ll see.”

She suddenly realized what she had done when she felt the bulk of his arm between hers. There were supposed to be boundaries, right? Was this going past them, or could this be considered casual, friendly-like behavior? Would he read something more into it? Is he thinking the same thing? Is this a mixed message?

“Chelsea!” he called. “What’d we say? Two bench lengths only…get back here.”

Maybe he wasn’t thinking anything about it, just watching out for Chelsea and thinking about the performance and the meeting they had scheduled with their management in the morning. From what he’d said over lunch, it didn’t seem as if it was anything big – a schmooze-fest basically – but maybe he was just good at making the important things seem less important when he was nervous about them. She took her eyes off Chelsea for a moment and glanced up at him, catching his eye. Instinctively, she unhooked her arm and stuck her hands into her own pockets.

“Well,” she started, looking to find some kind of conversation, “everyone looks great. I mean it, you all just seem like you’re so much more relaxed and rested.”

“Rested?” he snorted doubtfully.

“Well, rested in the forest and not the trees way, I mean. You all look like you actually want to be doing this instead of having to fulfill a contractual agreement.” He nodded, but stayed quiet, keeping his eye on Chelsea as she started hopping on the benches now. “You okay?”

He looked down at her and passed an apologetic smile. “I’m actually great, but really just so damn tired. Sorry. That flight from Kuala Lumpur just wiped us all out.”

“Well, we could go back to the hotel and you can get some rest. I promised I’d take Chelsea to Herald Square to ride in the glass elevator. We could do that and catch up later for dinner.”

“I’m good,” he assured her. “Why don’t we all go?”

Kevin stood at the window, looking down and grinning to himself. Chelsea was right, everything seemed like they were part of the Matchbox car world he’d created when he was about her age. Brian was so right, kids really do make you look at the world in a whole new way – it’s all such an adventure to them – a complete discovery of what is considered mundane.

“You alone?” Nick asked, tapping on the door and peering around the room.

“Yeah,” he said, turning from the window. “Katie’s putting Chels to bed. She’s so dam exhausted and doesn’t even know it,” he chuckled lightly. “But it was a good day. What’s up?”

“Just wanted to see how things were going,” Nick said, dropping onto the foot of the bed and leaning back onto his elbows. “You sounded a little nervous yesterday.”

“Tired,” Kevin corrected, leaning on the windowsill. “And still tired, but better. Did you get some sleep?”

“Some, yeah. It’s gonna be an early night tonight, though.”

“Good thing since we’re booked tomorrow.”

Nick sat up and looked out the window from the bed. “To think I’m in New York City and not out partying.” He shook his head slowly. “No one would ever believe it.”

Kevin gave him a cocky grin. “I think you’ve done enough partying in these last few weeks, dude,” he teased.

“Yeah, like you sat in your hotel room all the time at my age, dickwad,” Nick teased back.

“No, the important thing is, I never got caught.”

Nick lifted his butt up off the mattress and let out a fart. “Details, details.”

“Augh, Nick!” Kevin grimaced. “Go do that in your own damn room!” He waved a hand in front of his face.

“Just wait’ll we’re on the bus, heh-heh-heh,” he snickered, getting up. “Whatever, but we’re all getting room service and hanging out in AJ’s room later on if you want to come. If you’re not busy entertaining, that is.” He lifted an eyebrow at Kevin curiously.

“Entertaining?” Kevin questioned. “Chelsea’s in bed, dude. Katie’s staying with her, remember?”

“Ya never know,” Nick sing-songed on his way out, turning to Kevin right in front of the door. “And I wouldn’t talk so much about getting caught, Kev. My caught will be a few points on my license and some community service. Yours is gonna need college tuition.”

“Get out!” Kevin laughed, waving his hand at Nick. “Punk ass!”

Katie looked out to see the city lights spread before her, then back to the bed where Chelsea was sleeping, finally dropping out with the exhaustion. If only she could follow suit, but as the clock switched to 2:49am, she just turned back to look outside, wondering where the people down there on the street were going. Wondering, also, if Kevin was awake one floor up, or sleeping like Chelsea. He looked like he needed it.

She settled into one of the chairs and put her feet up on the one across from her, settling in until sleep would find her. Was this nerves or just tired beyond sleep? Both? Or was it just because every time she laid down, she found herself wondering what it could be that drew her to Kevin? All the rationale in the world didn’t seem to matter when he was standing in front of her. Was that chemistry? Pheromones or some such thing, or was it just plain old lust for something so disturbingly beautiful? Because, really, when she thought about it, people aren’t supposed to look like that off a magazine page or photograph. But even when she photographed him, his beauty wasn’t captured. There was something else that she hadn’t been able to figure out, and maybe that was what she kept trying to find when they were together. What was she missing? What the hell is it and why the hell won’t it go away?

Chelsea sighed in her sleep and rolled over, sprawling across the bed in comfort. Katie just smiled slightly watching her. Maybe it was Chelsea that made her keep looking at him. Finding her real father had brought up so many questions and guilt for having hidden her from him. Did she look to see resentment in him? Some burning spark of anger for what she’d done? Did he want to be with her because of Chelsea, or did he just want to be with her, period? Or did it not even matter? Did he love her at all back then to have treated her so casually? Or was he just too young to be able to understand what he was feeling at all? Was he scared of it, or did it simply not matter? Most importantly, though, did she really want to find the answers? Or did she just want to pretend it was something more than it was so she could tell Chelsea she was conceived in love?

And why was it only 3:15 in the morning? When the hell was she going to quit asking questions and just sleep?

Katie looked over the balcony, watching the people cram into the small space of Irving Plaza. Thank God she and Chelsea were in the VIP section or she worried that Chelsea would be crushed, even in the back. There was such an excitement in the air, she felt as if she looked hard enough, she might be able to see it. Chelsea was exploring the VIP section, looking over the balcony at different spots, and roaming around the tables. Katie kept looking over to make sure she had the ear plugs in. She fought her about using them, but it was a deal breaker. All she could imagine was after the show listening to her complain about the ringing in her ears, and it was already loud enough with the radio station’s dj mixing on the stage.

“Katie, right?” She turned to see Johnny standing behind her, extending his hand. As she reached out and took it, he leaned over and kissed her cheek. “It’s great you could be here. I know Kevin’s been looking forward to it. I take it that’s Chelsea?” He motioned to her, swinging her legs as she sat on a stool by the bar. “Looks exactly like him.” She must have looked panicked because Johnny smiled easily and leaned over to speak in her ear. “He had to tell me, and don’t worry, we’re handling the while situation with extreme care.” He pulled back and offered a reassuring smile. “Good to have met you, and enjoy the show.” He released her hand after giving it a quick squeeze.

She turned to look at Chelsea and shook her head, already feeling the defeat. Johnny was right…she looked exactly like him. How could anyone look at her and not know? She had such expressive green eyes and his slick, thick black hair. She would break a million hearts when she was older – just like her dad.

Chelsea hopped down off the stool and came over. “Mom, I have to go to the bathroom.”

“Okay.” She started walking, but Chelsea stopped her.

“I can go by myself,” Chelsea told her. “It’s right there.” She pointed behind her.

“Not a chance,” Katie told her firmly. “I’m going with you.”

“Then just stand outside the door. I’m not a baby anymore.”

Katie sighed and walked with her to the entrance to the ladies room. If anyone wanted to kidnap her, she’d still be at the door when they passed. And it wasn’t like the VIP bathroom was over-run with strangers. They were mostly a selected few, management and family. “I’ll wait right here. You have five minutes before I come in and get you, understood?”

Chelsea disappeared around the corner, and Katie moved a little closer into the bathroom, scanning the people inside. The two women inside looked like they paid any attention to her, so she figured it was pretty safe. She stepped back out to the door and leaned against the wall, listening to the crowd scream on demand from the dj. ‘Eight minutes to the Backstreet Boys!’ he screamed and the crowd squealed. They’re still squealing for them, she thought with a smile, after all these years. She felt excited for them just listening to the noise. Kevin had nothing to worry about.

Chelsea wouldn’t stop jumping up and down, mesmerized by the show. She danced, trying to copy what they were doing on the stage, clapped along, sang along to the songs she knew. She let out her own squeal when Kevin looked up and waved specifically to her and blew a kiss. She wasn’t moving from the balcony, entranced by the show.

Katie was entranced as well, her mind flashing back to the group she knew way back when. Nothing about them, in spite of some of the same dance moves, reflected the gawky kids she remembered on the stage. They were in command of the stage, and themselves. Instead of bouncing around randomly, they strutted across the stage with confidence, voices strong and brimming with amusement, relief, and excitement.

She had to remind herself to watch the others’, but her eye was instantly drawn to Kevin. He had such a strong, powerful demeanor and moved in complete preciseness, every step sure and certain. And then he’d look up in the balcony, directly at her, and she remembered what it was like after the shows back then. Adrenaline and sexual energy, hot, sweaty, intense… And now, as he roamed the stage in a simple black tank top, it was worse. Every muscle defined with lights and sweat, shoulders broad and toned, glistening. And then there was the way he moved his hips as he danced, reminding Katie of the others ways in which she knew he could move his hips.

She swore she tasted him, just from the memory. The saltiness of his skin, the way his hair felt in her hands when she grabbed his head to pull him down for a breathless kiss. Could it really be? She glanced down to jumping Chelsea. ‘This is why you’re here, Baby. One long hot sex induced haze after a performance.’

She turned back, looking to the stage noticing Kevin looking directly up at her. He wiped the sweat from his forehead with a towel and pointed to his ear, mouthing ‘listen.’ She couldn’t be sure if it was some sign to the sound guy, or some kind of motion for the audience, but she did listen, holding onto the railing of the balcony. It was the only thing holding her up when they got to the chorus and he kept his eyes directly on her.

‘You’re under my skin…

No I can’t let you go, you’re a part of me now

Caught by the taste of your kiss.

And I don’t want to know, the reason why I

Can’t stay forever like this.

Now I’m climbing the walls cause I miss you.’

He placed a hand over his heart and she felt her entire body shudder with emotions. All she wanted to do was run off to the bathroom and cry, but instead, Kevin just blurred for a moment with tears.

LeighAnn came up beside her and slipped her hand into Chelsea’s. “Go on,” she said. “Go see him. I got her.”

“I…” she stammered as they took their bows. She looked back to the stage, catching Kevin blowing a kiss up to the balcony. “Oh, who the hell am I kidding?” she said through the frustration of the do’s and don’t’s whizzing through her head. “Thank you.” She squeezed LeighAnn’s arm and leaned down to kiss Chelsea. “I will be right back. Stay with Aunt LeighAnn, you got me?”

“I want to go see Uncle Kevin, too!”

“You will,” she promised. “But I need to see him for some grown up time. You’ll come downstairs with Aunt LeighAnn.” She kissed Chelsea, thanked LeighAnn again and made her way down the stairs to the backstage, trying not to run and remain casual.

She found them in the back room, greeting people and shaking hands, still teasing each other. She pulled at the hem of her fitted shirt and brushed her fingers through her hair quickly before heading over under Kevin’s gaze. He smiled when she stretched her hand out, and brought her closer for a tight embrace.

She didn’t care about the sweat soaked shirt, or the wet towel wrapped around his shoulders. She closed her eyes to the heat of his body, the way his skin felt wrapped around her shoulders. Slipping her hand into his without a word, walked him down the hall away from the others, pushed him against the painted concrete blocks, and kissed him, relishing the salty taste not in her memory any longer.

“Thank you,” she whispered into his ear before stepping back and biting her lower lip as she inhaled deeply. Her eyes immediately filled with tears, but she laughed with Kevin as he pulled her to him and held her tightly.

“We made you cry again,” he mumbled deeply into her ear.

“You did it this time,” she corrected with a whisper, “all by yourself.”

“Oh, she’s out,” Kevin laughed, turning to look at Chelsea sleeping against his arm. He shifted slightly to rest her head down on his lap and smoothed her hair gently with a smile. “I think she enjoyed herself, don’t you?”

“She may have to tour with you,” Katie said, looking over to her daughter. “I may not be able to get her back into any kind of regular schedule ever again if she knows you’re touring.”

“I wouldn’t mind,” he said. “We need someone to clean up after Nick.”

“Not on your life,” she chuckled. “She’s young and innocent, remember? Let’s keep her that way for a little longer, shall we?”

“Mmm, yeah, you got a point.” He looked down to Chelsea for a moment, still amazed she existed, amazed how much he already loved her, and how comfortable he was. With another slide of his hand over her hair, he moved it slightly and slipped his hand over Katie’s. “So, you coming up for a drink?” He could sense the hesitation and felt his heart stop beating. He wasn’t expecting a song to change their life, but he did hope it would open a door and make her consider him again.

“I can’t leave Chelsea alone in the room,” she started.

“You don’t have to. Brian and LeighAnne are on baby duty and offered to keep an eye on her…if you wanted that is,” he stammered, wondering if he sounded desperate or devious planning a sitter. There was more silence for a moment and he watched her look out the window as the car stopped at a light.

“Let me get her into her pajama’s and I’ll come up for a bit,” she finally said. It was all he could do not to release the breath he was holding audibly with the relief. Just a drink…just a drink…nothing more…just a drink…

“Am I having a sleep over with Uncle Brian and Aunt LeighAnne?” Chelsea mumbled through her sleep as Katie helped her change into her pajama’s.

“You just climb right into bed and do what they tell you, okay? Don’t misbehave. I’ll be right upstairs with Uncle Kevin.”

“Mom? Can Uncle Kevin be my dad?” she asked in a loud yawn.

Katie’s breath caught in her throat and she blinked at her child. “What?”

“In the bathroom,” Chelsea said, leaning against Katie, “two people said that Kevin could be my father. Could he? You’re not married, and he’s not…”

“It’s a little more complicated than that, Sweetie,” she said and kissed the top of her head. “Let’s get you to bed, okay?”

“Hey,” Katie said, knocking lightly on Kevin’s open door. “Still awake?”

“Hey,” he said, sticking his head out from the bathroom. “Still awake. Just needed to jump into the shower. A bunch of us are hanging out in Howie’s room. I’ll be ready in a second.”

He closed the door over and Katie wandered into the hotel room, glancing around casually. A few magazines were left on the bed, a couple of letters, but the rest of the room was packed up neatly. “I can’t believe you’re still so neat,” she called with a shake of her head. “You’d never know you were staying here.”

“Don’t look on the bus,” he said, sticking his head out of the bathroom with his toothbrush in his mouth. “That’s a lot more lived in.”

“So you’re human after all,” she teased as he disappeared back into the bathroom.

Moment’s later he came out in jeans and slipping a tee shirt over his head. “So, you ready?”

“In a second,” she said, sinking onto the foot of the bed, “I need to talk to you for a second.”

He walked back and closed the door, looking scared, she thought. “What’s up?” He stuck his hands into the front pockets of his jeans and looked at her.

Damn those eyes, she thought. And those arms. And that waist. “It’s nothing horrible, but I figured I’d mention it… Chelsea overheard some people in the bathroom earlier tonight. She just asked me if you could be her dad. Apparently, these women said ‘Kevin could be her father’ and she took it to mean that literally, not biologically. Thing is, people have seen her and are putting two and two together and…I don’t know. I’m a little nervous, I guess.”

She watched him inhale heavily and move over to sit on one of the chairs at the table near the window. “Damn. What’d you tell her?”

“That it was complicated. Luckily, she was too tired to keep asking questions, but she’s going to. I guess I’m thinking that maybe we might want to tell her the truth.” He looked over at her, a combination of shock and worry deep in his eyes. “She’s not going to give up on this, Kevin. In her world, neither of us are married, so it makes sense that we should be and be her mom and dad.”

“I wanted this from the start, Katie. You’re the one that wanted it differently. How’s she going to feel when she finds out we’ve been lying to her?”

“She was bound to find out sooner or later, and for the record, I did it this way to protect her in case things didn’t work out.”

“You’ve got a lot of faith in me, don’t you?” he quipped with a slow nod. “I don’t understand, Kate, how I became such a monster in your mind. I can understand feeling hurt. I can understand feeling angry, but honestly, I don’t understand how I became such an incompetent shit.”

She dropped her shoulders slightly and looked away. “Kevin, it’s not about you,” she began softly. “I know that’s what you think, but I’ve had to watch Chelsea lose someone before.” She looked up at him nervously. “When I was engaged about two years ago, and she adored him. She was already calling him daddy, but he disappeared from our lives and she asked about him for at least a year. She doesn’t talk about him anymore, but I know she’s still looking for someone to be a ‘daddy’ and I can’t introduce someone to her again and have them leave. I just can’t do that to her, so I’m over protective, yes. But I’d rather spare her that pain again...”

“Thing is, Katie, I am her dad. Nothing can change that. I am and always will be.”

“You didn’t have to see that look in her eyes, Kevin,” she pleaded. “You didn’t have to explain why someone didn’t want to love her…”

“And you,” he said, his eyes studying her face. “Is that why you pull a reverse whenever we get close?”

“No,” she denied, a little too quickly. “No…” she attempted again, trying to sound more casual. “I mean…I have reasons, Kevin. We’ve already discussed them.”

“You discussed reasons about Chelsea, not you,” he corrected. “And I’ve seen you, Kate. You get comfortable with me, or close to me, allow a modicum of intimacy and the next day you can’t put the brakes on fast enough, digging for an excuse to disappear.”

She turned her head and folded her arms nervously, biting her lips together. “Is it wrong to want to protect yourself from being hurt again?” she asked quietly. “Especially by someone that’s already hurt you once?”

“Neither one of us are the same people we were seven years ago, Kate. I think we’ve both proven that time and time again.”

She dropped her head back, looking up at the ceiling before closing her eyes. “What do you want me to say, Kevin?” She faced him, steeling herself against his gaze.

“That you’ve been hurt, and that you’re scared, but we still have whatever it was that we had back then,” he told her clearly, leaning towards her with his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together. “Because both of us try to turn it off, but all it does is get in the way. Doesn’t it?”

“What gets in the way, Kevin, is reality. The next morning I wake up and see you lying there next to me and I remember you turning to me, looking guilty and telling me your girlfriend was flying in this afternoon, and that you’re really sorry, but you won’t be able to spend any time with me for a few days. Would I mind keeping a kind of low profile for a bit.”

“There is no girlfriend, Katie,” he said emphatically with a heavy sigh.

“Now,” she interjected. “But you’ve done it once. What’s to say that I won’t be the girlfriend flying in some afternoon and you have to tell someone else to lay low so I don’t find out? And this time, there’s a child involved. We are going to have to see one another for the rest of our lives and, really, the last thing I want to end up doing is hating you. I may not trust you all that much, but that’s completely different than hating you, believe it or not.”

“So, instead, we just dance around the fact that we both have feelings for one another? We just keep falling into bed together and pretend nothing happened the following day? Or create a fight so we don’t have to discuss it?”

“We haven’t fallen into bed in a long time, Kevin.”

He lifted an eyebrow subtly and lowered his chin. “Uh…just a few hours ago…”

“I kissed you,” she said defiantly. “And whatever you thought it would lead to…”

He nodded broadly and sat back into the chair. “So, a kiss is just a kiss?”

It was her turn to exhale deeply and she closed her eyes, trying to force herself to think and make sense. Instead, she just sighed again and looked at him. “I don’t know what it was,” she admitted. “Damn it,” she grumbled, closing her eyes again and rubbing her hands over her face defeated. “I never know what it is with you. I get around you and just can’t think straight and trust me, it’s incredibly annoying.” She dropped her hands to her lap and looked at him directly. “So, what is it with you?”

“You tell me,” he answered quietly.

“You’re too damn confident,” she said quickly and he laughed, at least making her smile for a moment. “No, really, you are.”

“If you only knew what I knew,” he said quietly. “All I’m doing is covering up for being scared to death.” She scoffed slightly and he raised his eyebrows at her. “No, seriously, I’m just forging ahead grasping at straws and hoping everything works out for the best. You think I have the slightest idea what I’m doing?” He sat forward and pointed to the door behind her, keeping his eyes on hers. “That I’m not petrified of you walking out that door right now? Hating me for the rest of your life for doing something incredibly stupid? Honest, Kate, I’m petrified that every time you walk away is going to be the last time I see you. And I don’t just mean Chelsea…I mean you. I just look at you and wonder what else I gave up for being a coward and stupid. And all I can think about when you leave is how am I going to make it right again?” He lifted his palm up, quieting any comment she might have. “I know you said you didn’t see it working and that you didn’t find anything in me to garnish any kind of future, but I don’t see that when we’re together. I see us dancing in circles trying not to be honest, to tell you the truth. And when we’re together, I do see a future, even if it’s hazy, I see one. And I’m just going to forge ahead and say this…but, damn it, Katie, I am so in love with you. I don’t know when it happened again, or how it happened again, but it did and I need to know your true feelings. Not the covering up and excuses, but the truth because,” he exhaled heavily, letting the defeat into the openness between them, “you’re driving me crazy.”

She chuckled again and shook her head slowly, watching his eyes plead with her. “Oh, Kevin,” she started and bit her lips together for a moment. “What it is…is that I can’t think straight when I’m around you. I do these things that I would never in my right mind do…like fall into bed with you the first day I met you, follow you to Europe, have your baby on my own… I tell myself each time I see you that I’m not going to want you. I’m not going to want to be around you, that it’s just for the best to keep things the way they are, and then,” she opened her palms and let them drop to her lap, “I see you and all my resolve goes out the window. I find myself falling asleep in your arms and feeling so content, and wake up in a panic that I’m walking into some kind of trap that I laid for myself. I wake up petrified that I’m going to screw up Chelsea’s future by letting myself get emotionally involved with you, physically involved with you. It’s not just lip service…the things I do, I don’t do just for me anymore. I can’t. I have Chelsea to think about and she always, always, comes first. She has to because when I had her, that was the decision I made. Hell, I wasn’t even supposed to tell you about her, but that night, again, I saw you and we slept together and I lost all sense of what I was doing. I can’t do that. I can’t be like that. You get into my head, and make me question every move I make, asking myself if I’m doing anything for her, or just doing what I want, and I can’t answer that question because when it comes to you, I just don’t know. I don’t,” she lifted her hands up again and shrugged, “I don’t.”

“Do you really have to make that distinction?” He leaned forward and took her hands into his, searching her face. “Can’t you do it for the both of you?”

“If I had the trust of a seven year old, yes,” she answered, feeling tears in her eyes. “But I have more experience than that that I can’t ignore either, and,” she took a ragged breath, willing herself not to cry, “I’m just scared to trust you again.” She shook her head quickly. “No,” she corrected, “I’m scared to trust me again.”

“Come here,” he said softly, and she was drawn to him slowly, letting him kiss her gently as he slid his hands up to either side of her face. “Don’t trust either of us,” he continued quietly, resting his forehead against hers, “trust this. It’s the only thing either of us is sure of.”

She reached up, tugging the ends of his hair gently. “But what is this? Is it something we should trust?”

He kissed her again, chuckling lightly. “At this point, I don’t think either one of us has the answer to it. It’s got a life of its own, Darlin’, and we’re, more or less, along for the ride. Let’s see where it takes us, and I promise you, whatever happens, we will make sure that we end up being able to live with ourselves, and Chelsea will never, ever suffer. She will always have her mom and her dad to love her.”

All Katie could do was nod, tears filling her eyes. She wasn’t even sure if it was fear, or relief, but she leaned against him, resting her head on his shoulder, snuggling into the crook of his neck and simply inhaled. Whatever this was, he was here and she was holding on. This time she remained aware of what she was doing. She was aware of his body, the way his hands felt on her body, the way his body felt beneath her palms and on her fingertips. Aware of his scent, his taste, sounds of pleasure he made. Staying in tune, she followed him, led him, guided one another until she couldn’t keep her eyes open any longer and rested her head down against his bare chest, sleeping to the beat of his heart.

Kevin opened his eyes, unable to move his arm lying limp and heavy and numb until he realized it was just asleep, and it was because Katie was still asleep on his chest. As gently as possible, he pulled his arm out from under her and physically moved his fingers with his other hand, trying to draw circulation back. He didn’t know when, or how long they’d been asleep, but it didn’t matter. She was still with him, her skin warm against his, sleeping peacefully.

At that moment, the blood returned with a painful tingling rushing down to his fingers and he sat up, muffling a pained moan with is free hand and tossing the limp limb onto his lap, attempting to wiggle his fingers.

“Oh, that’s so not the moaning I heard I last night,” Katie mumbled groggily, a tired smile crossing her face.

“Arm’s asleep,” he answered, shaking his arm more fully now that she was awake.

“Aw, poor thing,” she said, sitting up and taking his arm, massaging down his arm, to his palm as he twisted his face in pain until the blood returned. “Better?” she asked, sliding one of his fingers into his mouth and sucking gently. A slow smile crossed his face and he rested back against the headboard. She slid another finger into her mouth, pushing the sheets down with her toes before straddling his legs.

He reached out to cup her bare breast, feeling the weight in his palm and curling his fingers to pinch her nipple gently. Her lips curled around his finger in a smile as he slid his hand down her torso, resting at her waist a moment before pulling her forward. She released his hand and slid herself over his groin, leaning forward quickly to kiss him, dropping her head to his neck as she rocked her wetness slowly over his growing erection. “God, that feels great,” he whispered into her ear, tangling his fingers into her hair and pushing her down more firmly against him. She reached between their legs and guided him inside of her, accepting his length slowly. As she arched her back, she moaned deeply and opened her eyes to look directly at him, her breath quickening. He opened his mouth, but she placed a finger over his lips, sliding it into his mouth instead and bit her lower lip.

“I’m coming,” she gasped, thrusting her hips against his more quickly and tossing her head back. “Oh, God, Kevin, harder…harder…”

He felt her come, breathless and clinging onto his shoulders with the pleasure. It started his own orgasm, but he needed to be deeper inside. Quickly, he flipped them onto her back and lifted one of her legs up over his shoulder, burying himself deeper with each thrust until he tumbled over the edge of pleasure and his body froze deep inside.

He lowered her leg down and dropped onto her chest, catching his breath and listening to her heartbeat quickly in ear. She ran her fingers gently through his hair, neither of them speaking for a time and just enjoying their closeness until Kevin lifted up onto his elbow and kissed Katie’s stomach.

“You make the best faces,” she teased, brushing the hair back that was stuck to his forehead. “I love that look when you lose all control.”

“Don’t go pointing fingers, Darlin’,” he teased in return, lowering his head to blow a “backwards kiss” on her belly. “And for the record, you started it.”

She grinned broadly. “Don’t I know it,” she answered proudly. “I’m taking advantage of that body while it’s in my bed.”

“Uh, who’s bed?” He sat up, wrapping her legs around his waist and pulling her up for a quick kiss.

“Okay, while I’m in your bed,” she relented. “Either way, you were naked and I was taking advantage of it. Deal.”

“Not complaining in the slightest,” he laughed, kissing her again. “You look so amazing when you’re all flushed. Your hair might take a little extra conditioner, though.” He smoothed her hair down, attempting to run his fingers through the tangles.

She just smiled and cocked her head slightly. “I love you.”

He stopped mid-brush and looked at her, a slow smile crossing his face. “What?”

“You heard me.”

“Yeah,” he nodded, “but I’ve been waiting to hear that for a very long time. I just wanted to hear it again – make sure it was real and not my imagination.”

“Alright,” Katie said, coming out of the shower, wrapped in one of the hotels’ white terrycloth robes, drying her hair with a towel, “so, I’m thinking we take Chelsea to breakfast and break the news to her that you’re her dad, but…let’s not mention that we’re together just yet. I don’t want to get her hopes up or anything.”

Kevin looked up from the papers in his lap and considered her a moment. “Your brain never stops running, does it?” he asked with a slight smile. “Have you been in there all this time trying to figure out what we’re going to say to her, too?”

“You haven’t thought about it?” she asked, sitting on the side of the bed and lowering the towel to her lap.

“A bit, yeah, but I figured we’d discuss it before we got there, right?”

“Well, yeah, but…”

“Okay, so what do we tell her? I was thinking something along the lines of telling her now because we seem to like each other and we didn’t want to put any pressure on her, or scare her, in case she didn’t like me…something like that?”

Katie nodded in thought. “Something like that, yeah.”

“So, all that fretting?”

“Shut up,” she dead panned.

“And then, once she recovers from that shock, I can tell her that we’re screwing like bunnies whenever we send her out of the room to play with her uncles,” he leered, tossing his papers on the table and lunging towards the bed, grabbing her waist and pulling her down on the mattress. “Because every seven year old should know about her mother’s sex life, don’t you think? And she’d like the bunny reference.” He kissed her before she could respond and tapped the tip of her nose with his finger. “I don’t think either of us is ready to tell Chelsea just yet. We’ll feel this out a little bit more before we bring her into it. Until then, we’ll just keep doing what we’re doing together with her, and private with us. I’m just going to make sure her uncles keep her real busy once in awhile,” he laughed playfully before kissing her passionately.

She released a breath and looked up into his face with a sly smile. “We’ll be taking her out to dinner if we don’t get out of here soon.”

“Dinner could be good,” he said, tugging at the tie and pushing the terry material aside to expose her. Without a word, he traced his finger along the edge of her bra, watching his hand intently as he passed over her skin. Moments later, he dragged his fingers along her stomach to outline the shape of her panties.

“You’re driving me insane,” she told him, resting her hand over his. “And we don’t have time for this.”

“You sure?” he questioned, lifting an eyebrow to her.

She inhaled deeply and nodded into the mattress. “Later.”

“And if you roll a ball to him, he’ll throw it back,” Chelsea said cheerfully, walking in between Kevin and Katie on their way to the hotel restaurant. “He can’t throw it to you yet, but he doesn’t care. He just thinks it’s funny. And Uncle Brian said he’s already practicing to play for UK. He said that’s some kind of sports team or something.”

“Oh, Baby, you need to know more than that about UK,” Kevin said, scooping her up into his arms. “They’re the best team ever.”

Her eyes widened. “Ever?”

“Absolutely!” Kevin told her. “One of these days, I’ll take you to one of their games so you can see and we’ll get you all decked out in their colors.”

“They have colors?”

“Blue and white…and they have big cat prints on everything because they’re called the Wildcats.”

“She isn’t going to understand any of this, you know.”

“She doesn’t have to,” Kevin laughed.

“Yeah, I don’t have to,” Chelsea agreed. “Do you like them better than…ice cream?” she questioned.

“I think so,” Kevin admitted with a steady nod.

“Better than…waffles?”

“Yup.”

“Better than peanut butter?” Katie asked knowingly.

Kevin hesitated a moment in mock consideration. “Hmmm…that’s a hard one.”

Chelsea continued with her ‘better than’ game until they were seated a few minutes later and Katie tried to settle her down several times. Chelsea was getting overconfident and showing off for Kevin, laughing too loud an