Take the Fall

By Cori

Page 5

 

 

“So, I take it that it went well?” AJ asked Monday morning after Kevin came in. 

 

“Why do you say that?” Kevin asked cheerfully.

 

“No emergency phone calls in the middle of the night.”  He started out laughing, but suddenly AJ turned pale and he looked away quickly.  “At least, um…that’s what I heard from Brian.”

 

“No, there were no middle of the night phone calls necessary,” he teased but watching AJ curiously.  Now he was blushing and fiddling with the lid on his coffee.  “Dude, you’d think you had a seven year old all weekend!”  He patted AJ’s shoulder and moved past him towards the locker room.  “Lighten up, eh?”

 

“I’m fine!” AJ protested, looking nervous but trying to smile.

 

“Okay!” Kevin answered, flashing a smile.  “You just look freaked out.  Hell, if I can handle a seven year old girl on my own, whatever you had to handle this weekend had to be a piece of cake!”

 

AJ forced a laugh.  “Huh…yeah.”

 

Kevin paused and turned back to AJ.  “Aje…?  You okay?” he asked seriously, his own smile fading.  “Anything happen this weekend you want to talk about or something?”

 

It was back.  That classic AJ brush off.  “Dude, nothing happened this weekend,” he said easily with a lift of his shoulder and another smile.  “I watched some movies…slept.  No big deal.”  Kevin felt his heart sink and merely stood, watching him silently, knowingly.  AJ was hiding something.  He knew how to look Kevin in the eye and blatantly lie, or pretend.  While he did, Kevin searched his face for something…some kind of sign of his using again.  All he did was look back soberly.  “Find what you’re looking for, Kev?” he asked, widening his eyes and leaning forward.  “Want me to go pee in a cup for you?”

 

As AJ started walking away, Kevin reached out to grab his shoulder.  “Alex…hey, Al…”

 

AJ shrugged away from him and continued walking across the room, but turned back.  “Is this what’s going to happen now, Kevin?” he charged back towards him.  “Every time you think I’m not telling you the truth, you’re going to stare me down and check to see if I’m using?  Is that how much you trust me, man?  Is it?”

 

“I trust you, Alex.  I do,” he implored.  “It’s…you’re just acting freakin’ weird, that’s all.”

 

“I don’t have to tell you every single Goddamn thing that goes on in my life, Kevin!” he argued.  “You didn’t suddenly become Lord God over what I fucking do when I came out of rehab!  I don’t fucking make you account for every second of the day, do I?  Jesus!”  He stormed back across the studio and flung both doors open, reaching into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes.

 

Kevin stood helplessly in the middle of the room, sighing in defeat.  If he looked behind him, he would probably see the thick black line he crossed and knew he had to go out there and apologize and explain himself.  Another conversation about learning to trust and not falling back into old habits, only this time, it was Kevin who had to explain it to AJ.

 

“What the hell did you do?” Nick asked, looking over his shoulder towards the door and back to Kevin.

 

“Fuck up,” Kevin answered.  “How bad is he?”

 

“Oh, he’s cursing up a storm and flicking ashes in every direction.”  Nick dropped his duffel bag by the wall of mirrors and glanced at Kevin through it.  “Happy Monday, man.”

 

“Think I should wait a minute before going out there?”

 

“Depends…want a cigarette burn in your eye?”  Nick smirked.

 

 

When Kevin walked out, AJ was still pacing the sidewalk with a cigarette, but he was talking on the phone.  When he turned and saw Kevin, he stopped pacing and stared him down with a stiff expression.  “I have to call you back, okay?”  He clicked the phone off and held his ground.  “What now?” he questioned angrily.

 

“Alex,” Kevin started feeling AJ’s anger wash over him in guilt, “I’m really sorry.  I didn’t mean to accuse you of anything.”

 

“Yeah, okay,” he said, turning his back and pacing the opposite length of the sidewalk, looking down.  “Thanks.”

 

“Seriously, dude…it’s not intentional, you know?  I know I have to learn to chill out and stop freaking out myself, but before, I felt you were being evasive and I just retreated back into old habit.  I’m sorry.  I don’t even know what I was looking for…I know you’re fine.”

 

“I know exactly what you were looking for,” AJ said, looking back to him.  “And part of me doesn’t blame you, but it’s been two and a half years now, okay?  I get that I scared the shit out of you, but it’s been two and a half years, Kevin.  And we’re back in the grind, and the albums going to drop, and we’re all on edge.  I get it.  I’m allowed to over react too, you know.”

 

“Okay.”  Kevin nodded in understanding thinking perhaps that’s all it was before.  Maybe Alex was just nervous this weekend and didn’t want to say anything about it.  Maybe that’s all he was avoiding talking about earlier.  “So…” he hesitated, “we’re good?”

 

“We’re fine,” he answered sharply, turning back to pacing the sidewalk and puffing his cigarette.  “Just give me a few more minutes.”

 

“Alright.”  Kevin wasn’t sure what he should do.  Alex said the words, but everything about him said the opposite.  He was still agitated and furious, but maybe he did just need a few more minutes to let go of the adrenaline.  “I’ll, uh…meet you inside then, okay?”

 

“Yeah,” he replied.  Kevin headed back down the sidewalk, feeling the heat of the day already starting to hang oppressively in the air.  Just as he got to the door, AJ called his name and he turned back.  “We’re cool.  Really.”  There was an attempt at a smile and a slight, reassuring nod.  He responded with the same and went back inside.

 

AJ was still acting weird, but he wasn’t about to push it anymore today.

 

 

 

“We’re gonna have to tell him,” AJ said, dropping against Kate in an embrace when he came in, finding Katie poolside.  “This isn’t working.  I can’t keep it up.”

 

“I know,” she soothed, rubbing the back of his neck and lowering her head down to his shoulder.

 

“I just can’t keep it up…lying to him like this.  I’m picking fights just so we can avoid each other all day.  I just…I can’t imagine being stuck on a plane, or the bus or something and…”

 

“We’ll tell him,” she said, pulling away and sitting down on the lounge chair, looking up to him with a reassuring smile.  “How do you want to do it?”  All he did was sigh heavily and turn away, heading back inside to the kitchen to get a bottle of water.  She followed him silently, leaning against the patio doorframe and folded her arms around her waist.  “Would you rather we don’t?”

 

He took a long swallow and looked back at her confused.  “What do you mean?  We have to say something.”

 

“I’m just wondering if you’d rather we end this and we don’t have to say anything at all, that’s what I mean.”

 

“No,” he shook his head and took another sip, “I don’t want to do that.  I just don’t know how to do it.  Unless, that’s what you want to do.  You have Chelsea to think about.”

 

She came over to the counter in front of him and leaned down.  “Chelsea…she’s his child and I will never do anything to keep her from him.  But Kevin doesn’t have a word to say about who I date, or don’t date.  You are a good man, Alex.  You’re not going to hurt Chels anymore than he is, or I am.  This is about us and what we think is right for us.”

 

He moved across the kitchen to the opposite side of the counter and leaned down in front of her with a sad smile. “I hate hurting him, that’s all.  And he’s still in love with you.”

 

“With, or without you, Alex, I’m not in love with him.  I tried.  I did, but I’m just not in love with him.  He’s a wonderful man, kind, gentle, loving…but you are too.  And with you I feel safe.  In your arms, I feel secure and cared for, and more than anything...anything…I feel loved.  I can’t change how I feel.  I can’t change that I didn’t feel that with him, and, more importantly, I don’t want to.  If you want me to go and tell him that, and break the news to him, I will.”

 

He laughed lightly and leaned in to kiss her gently.  “You’re not doing it alone.  I’m not that much of a coward.  We’ll just figure out some way to say it.”

 

“Well,” she said, pulling up from the counter, “we can think on it while we go pick up Chelsea.  Want to come over for dinner?  I can’t guarantee a proper dessert until she’s in bed, though.”

 

 

 

Katie heard the bedroom door squeak and small footsteps padded across the floor.  She opened her heavy-laden eyes and watched Chelsea come to the side of the bed and then she felt the panic.  AJ was still next to her, sprawled out on his stomach sleeping silently and she could only pray that they were both covered enough for Chelsea to see them.  She’d figure out what to say later.  “Mom, it’s daddy,” she whispered, handing the cell phone to her.  “I answered it by mistake.”

 

“What do you mean?” she whispered, covering the mouthpiece.

 

“I thought it was yours, but it’s Uncle AJ’s.”  She pointed to the other side of the bed.

 

“Thank you,” Katie said sweetly, trying to control the anxiety waking her brain more fully.  Kevin called AJ and Chelsea answered….  Oh dear God, what did Chelsea say? 

 

“I really like that tattoo, Mommy,” she said, pointing to AJ’s bare back.

 

“Go watch TV for a bit, okay?”  AJ woke up, hearing the voices, but pretended to be asleep until the door closed.  He rolled over and froze when he saw Katie holding the cell.  “It’s Kevin,” she whispered.  “Chelsea answered.”

 

“Fuck,” he whispered fiercely, taking the phone and widening his eyes to her as he lifted it to his ear.  “Hello?”  He closed his eyes tightly as if he was wincing.  “Yeah, okay.”  He lowered the phone and exhaled.  “He’s so pissed.”  AJ looked worried as he looked over at her.

 

“What’d he say?”

 

“’You’re late.  Get here’ and then hung up.”  He pushed himself up and exhaled.

 

She couldn’t help it.  Her heart was pounding in her chest.  She wasn’t sure what other response she expected, but the whole time, she never wanted Kevin to get hurt, or put AJ in the middle of anything: not that there was anything to be in the middle of, technically.

 

Who was she kidding?  It was taboo to go after your best friend’s girl, regardless of how long it’s been.  But she didn’t plan on this happening.  She wasn’t sure when she realized she had feelings for AJ.  They just seemed to suddenly be there and she took her time moving forward, trying to just keep it casual between them, but he had the same feelings.  It just made sense.

 

“What do we do?” she asked.

 

He leaned over and kissed her forehead gently.  “Face the music, I guess,” he answered, pushing her hair off her forehead.  “I didn’t mean to over sleep.”  He looked to the door, hearing the TV come on in the other room.  “Fuck!  Chelsea saw us, didn’t she?”

 

“She likes your tattoo.  I’ll talk to her if she asks any questions,” Katie said, running a hand down his arm.  “I’ll get ready and meet you over at the studio, or, do you want to go over together and face him together?”

 

He smoothed her hair back again and shook his head.  “I think it’ll be better if I face him alone first, let him blow it off first.”

 

“I’m sorry, Alex.”

 

“He was going to have to find out sooner or later.”  He kicked the sheet down and climbed out of bed.

 

“This wasn’t the way I wanted him to, though.  And I didn’t want you to have to face him alone.”

 

As he pulled his jeans on he turned to face her.  “Katie, he’s in love with you.  There was never going to be a good time, or good way to tell him, regardless of how careful we intended to be.  It’s done, now.”

 

She sat up and reached for the tee shirt at the end of the bed, slipping it over her head.  “Why do I feel so damn guilty, then?”

 

“Because we didn’t want to hurt him.”  When she stood up, he came over to her and wrapped his arms around her, holding her against him.  “It’ll be okay eventually.”

 

“It’s the eventually part I’m worried about,” she answered, resting her chin on his shoulder.  “Eventually can take a very long time, can’t it?”

 

“We don’t have that kind of time.”  He pulled back and kissed her gently.  “Speaking of, I need to get a move on.”

 

“Do you want me to come at all, or should I just stay away for awhile?”

 

She watched him study her face for a moment, a hint of sadness, but she also saw resolve behind his eyes. “It might be best if you don’t come in today,” he agreed reluctantly.  “I’ll give you a call when I can and let you know what the mood’s like.”  He kissed her again, tugging slightly at the ends of her hair when he pulled back.  “We’ll all be okay.  You’ll see.  He’ll be pissed for awhile, but he’ll figure it out.”

 

 

Kevin sat on the floor, stretching out and attempting to breathe in a normal pace.  Mostly, he found himself grinding his teeth and watching the door, not sure what he’d do when AJ walked in.  He knew he wanted to haul off and punch him, but he wasn’t actually sure if he’d do it or not.  When he thought about it, his mind just kept going back to the sound of Chelsea’s voice on the phone and the splintering of his heart.  At first, he considered that he called Katie by mistake, but when he glanced at the display on his phone, he knew something wasn’t right.  Then, because it took such a long time for him to get on the line, he knew.  AJ wasn’t crashed on her couch for some reason.  He wasn’t there for breakfast or something.  He was there.  There-there.  In Katie’s bed.  They covered the mouthpiece, but not that well.  ‘I really like that tattoo, Mommy,’ he heard, over and over, knowing Katie didn’t have any. 

 

For a half and hour Kevin ran scenarios though his head of what happened.  How it happened.  Trying not to envision them together.  Trying not to think that Chelsea went into the bedroom to get them – what she might have seen.  That Katie had always made sure he left before Chelsea got up.  But it was okay for AJ to be there?  When did this happen?  How long had it been going on?  How blind had he been to everything going on around him?  Was AJ lying to him that day after the beach?  What did he walk in on?  Why was she blushing?  He was hiding their relationship from him for weeks, now, wasn’t he?  That was why he was so weird and stand-offish.  That was why Alex didn’t want to talk to him and explain.

 

“…Kev?  Kev?  Kevin!”

 

“What?” he snapped, looking up at Brian standing over him.

 

“Do you want to just get started and let AJ catch up?” Brian asked, exasperated.

 

“No,” Kevin answered plainly.  “Then we’ll just sit around and wait when he tries to catch up.  He’ll be here soon.”  It doesn’t take that long to get from Katie’s to the studio, he figured silently.  He couldn’t even bring himself to talk to any of the others about it.  All they knew was that he was grouchy and they were keeping their distance.

 

Part of Kevin felt vindicated when AJ did walk in, looking a little scared and nervously looked at Kevin.  “Sorry I’m late,” he said sheepishly.

 

“Sleep well?” Kevin asked, cocking his head to the side and standing up.

 

AJ stopped in the middle of the floor and waited a moment for him to continue, but Kevin just waited him out, expecting some kind of answer in the increasing, thickening, tension.  “Do you want to go talk about this?”

 

“Talk about what?” Nick asked, looking between Kevin and AJ with concern.

 

“Yeah, what’s up?” Howie asked.

 

Kevin knew immediately what they were all thinking, putting Kevin’s mood into context.  Even Brian’s quiet stare seemed to ask the same question: ‘was AJ using again?’  Kevin didn’t want to rush into defending AJ and just looked at him, feeling his pulse accelerate.  “Alex?” Kevin provoked, waiting to see what he’d answer.  He was going to hit him if they left to discuss this alone.  There was no doubt about it.

 

“It’s between Kevin and me,” AJ answered, keeping his eye on Kevin, looking a little pale.

 

“I thought we didn’t have secrets anymore,” Brian started, but Kevin broke in, laughing sarcastically.

 

“Oh, but apparently, we do, don’t we, Alex?”

 

“Kevin,” AJ sighed, “do you want to do this in front of them?”

 

“Do what?” Howie asked, stepping closer.

 

“Explain to me why he’s in fucking Katie’s bed at 9:30 in the morning,” Kevin answered bitterly, taking a few steps closer to AJ.

 

“What?” Brian asked, turning to look at AJ, and Kevin noticed there was actually a break in the tension.  As if this wasn’t important!

 

“It isn’t like that, Kevin,” AJ said firmly.  “Neither of us wanted to hurt you and we didn’t want you to find out like this.”

 

“Yeah?  You think maybe having Chelsea answer your phone might not be a good way to find out?” Kevin asked sarcastically, folding his arms across his chest.  “What might be your first fucking clue?”

 

“Okay, guys?  Maybe you should take this into another room,” Howie suggested, looking between Nick and Brian nervously.  “Work it out?”

 

Kevin turned on Howie, raising an eyebrow.  “Work it out?” he questioned.  “I swear to God, Howie, you put me alone in a room with him right now, he’ll have permanent damage to his vocal chords from my fist going down his throat!”

 

“Kevin!” Brian interrupted sharply.

 

“What?” he bellowed, turning to Brian now.  “You gonna tell me not to get upset over this?”

 

“Maybe we should just go to our separate corners for the day and figure out…” Brian started.

 

“I don’t want her on the tour,” Kevin interjected, pointing to AJ firmly. 

 

AJ shook his head.  “That’s not your decision to make, Kevin.  Pissed off or not, that’s not something you can demand.  We all chose to have her on the tour for the photos.”

 

“Y’all decide.  I don’t want her there.  Period.”  Kevin laid his hands out in the air.  “I’m outta here before I kill him.”  He pointed and brushed past AJ close enough to make him step out of his way quickly.  Had he not, Kevin was sure he’d have used it as an excuse to punch him.

 

Was he being a child about it?  Was there some other way he was supposed to handle this?  Was he expected to step back and watch them for the entire tour be together and pretend he didn’t care?  Didn’t some kind of loyalty play into this at all?  Was he wrong expecting his friends not to hit on the woman he was still in love with? 

 

And Katie!  Was AJ the reason why she couldn’t love him?  Why she wanted to be friends?  And when the hell did she start to have feelings for AJ?  How long has this whole thing been going on in the first place?  Did he just make a fool of himself the whole time?  Was she making moves on AJ all that time?  Did she just use him to get closer to AJ in the first place?

 

He stopped, standing outside in the parking lot and forced himself to take a deep breath.  However, taking the breath only seemed to reinforce what he didn’t want to face in the first place; this hurt.  Damn, it hurt!  He didn’t want to feel the betrayal; Katie’s or AJ’s.  After everything they’d all been through with AJ, the way he had kept tabs on him, been there for him…this was the way he repaid him?  He went after Katie?  After talking to him about fighting to get her back?  Not give up, only to compete with him in the end?  Why?  What sense did it make?

 

What had ever done to AJ besides support and love him?

 

Kevin sat at a picnic table under a tree, knowing he was in no shape to drive.  All it would take was one person cutting him off on the freeway and he’d lose any ounce of control he had and probably kill them.  He rested his elbows on his knees and clasped his hands together, looking at a sun patch dancing in the slight breeze on the patches of grass trying to gain some composure through the pain.  He wasn’t even sure which hurt most, either truly losing Katie, or feeling as if AJ had betrayed him.

 

Howie was the first one to venture outside and make his way over towards him, looking hesitant, but sympathetic.  “You’re still here.”  Kevin didn’t even look over to him and just nodded silently.  “You doing okay?”

 

“Do I look okay?” he spat.  “I’m just trying to…”  He put his hands on his knees and looked at Howie.  “I don’t even know!  Figure out what the hell happened!”  Howie just continued to look at him with concern and Kevin knew there wasn’t anything anyone could say that would be the right thing.  He knew that’s why Howie wasn’t responding.  “I just want to…”  He slammed his fist into his palm and closed his eyes tightly.  “How the fuck did this happen?  Did he say?”

 

Howie shook his head.  “No.  He won’t talk about it.”

 

“Yeah, imagine that!” Kevin groused, pushing himself off the table and walking in small circles in front of the picnic table.  “Why the hell start talking about it now?”

 

“It’s not going to make you feel any better, but he’s not happy about how things went,” Howie ventured cautiously.  “You don’t really think he’d go out of his way to hurt you, do you?”

 

“He didn’t go too far out of his way not to!”

 

Howie waited in silence, looking down to his feet briefly.  “Kev?”  Again, there was a hesitant look behind the big brown eyes.  “She wasn’t going to be with you, AJ or not.”

 

“I know!” he yelled.  “God damn it, I know that!  But does that mean I’m supposed to jump up and down and be thrilled that she chose him?  Huh?”

 

“No.”

 

“No!  I didn’t think so!  And so help me if someone tells me I’m being irrational!”

 

“We think you’re right to blow off some steam.”

 

Kevin plopped back down next to Howie on the picnic table and exhaled.  “There’s a but in there.”

 

“It can wait.”

 

“Oh for fucks sake, Howie!  What?”

 

“Fine!  You know firing her doesn’t mean you’ll never have to see her again.  You’re just making it harder on her.”  He moved a few inches aside and glanced to Kevin.  “That’s all.”

 

“I will not spend weeks on end watching the two of them…”

 

“Just saying…maybe after some time…”

 

“Yeah, a whole two weeks, huh?  Great.”

 

“I don’t know, Kev.  It sucks.  We all agree that it does.  Blow off some steam, scream, yell, but eventually, you’re going to have to talk to them.”

 

“I know!” Kevin yelled, torn between defeat and anger.  The worst part about the whole thing was that he didn’t know how to release this feeling.  He didn’t want to cry, and he didn’t want scream.  He just wanted to be pissed off and by sheer force make everyone else around him do what he wanted and apologize, knowing that was never going to happen.  And, maybe, that’s what pissed him off the most.  It was never going to happen and he had to suck up and deal.  He got back off the table.  “I’m going home.  I’ll call later.”

 

 

 

Katie wandered around the house, attempting to clean, but spent most of the time either looking at the phone, or out the window whenever she heard a car on the street.  She picked up some of Chelsea’s books and restacked them on the table neatly, and let her gaze wander back to the window as she wiped a dust cloth over the tabletop.  Part of her was scared for the phone to ring.  If it was Kevin, she had no idea what to say to him and she knew the first thing out of her mouth would be an apology, but when she considered it, she wasn’t sorry.  Not that she wasn’t sorry to have hurt him, but she wasn’t sorry to be involved with Alex.  She wasn’t even sure when he became ‘Alex’ and not ‘AJ’ although most of the time it was interchangeable.  But she had to admit that what she felt with him is what she always wanted love to feel like.

 

Somehow, she wasn’t scared.  She was able to talk and feel heard.  She felt safe letting her guard down and being the person she was behind closed doors with him.  She didn’t have to be strong, or smart or funny or entertaining.  She just had to be and when she was, he looked at her with a gentle smile on his lips and appreciation behind his eyes.  She wasn’t even sure why it was there, but when they were alone, it was her look.  He gave it to her just before he reached an arm out to draw her close, either to sit together and watch TV, or kiss like teenagers on the couch.  This was the most real she’d felt since holding Chelsea, when she knew exactly who she was for the first time.

 

When she heard a car door, she forced herself not to look, but instead, kept her eye on the door, waiting.  Soon, AJ knocked lightly and walked in, looking defeated, and she went to him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and held tightly.  “It didn’t go well, did it?” she asked quietly, feeling his arms slide around her.

 

“It didn’t go at all,” he answered, resting his head down to her shoulder and holding on.  “He just screamed and walked out.”

 

“I’m so sorry, Baby,” she said, running her hand down his neck.  “I never meant for anything like this to happen.”

 

He pulled back and kissed her gently.  “It’ll work out,” he promised quietly and nodded, as he looked her in the eye.  “We didn’t think he’d slap us on the back and wish us luck when he found out, did we?  He could have found out in a better way, but he didn’t, and we’ll work it out.  Right now, he’s blowing off some steam.  It’ll just take some time and we’ll be a little uncomfortable for awhile, okay?”  He slid his hand over her hair and offered a small smile.  “It’ll work out.  We’ll just have to give him some time.”

 

“Did he say anything?”

 

“Oh, yeah.”  AJ nodded, dropping down onto the couch and stretching his legs.  “He said plenty.  Nothing worth repeating.  We took the day, apparently.”

 

“What’d the rest of them say?” she asked, afraid of really knowing the answer to that.  She knew what they must think of her bouncing around from one to the other in their eyes.  Some kind of gold-digger, probably.  A tramp?  Slut? 

 

“Well,” he started, crossing his ankles, “Brian told me I had crappy timing.  Howie didn’t really say anything.  Nick pulled me aside before I left and told me to hold on.”

 

She blinked.  “Nick?”

 

“Yeah, can you believe it?” he chuckled.

 

“They’re going to hate me.”  She sunk down next to him on the couch and put her head on his shoulder.

 

He kissed the top of her head and wrapped his arm around her, squeezing lightly.  “They don’t hate you.  The whole thing just blindsided them too, that’s all.  We’re trying to prepare for the tour, we’ve got a lot of crap to do, and we really can’t afford to lose the day like this.  Kevin’s going to be pissy for a while and that’s never fun.  But, we’ve gotten through a lot worse.  It’s just going to take some time.”

 

She leaned her head back and looked up with a sigh.  “You’re awfully calm about all this.”

 

“What good is it going to do to freak out?  We’re not doing anything wrong and I’m not going to apologize for falling in love,” he said plainly and she felt her heart flutter.  “Wow.”  He suddenly smiled.  “That’s the first time I said that, isn’t it?”

 

“Yeah, actually, it is,” she chuckled, just watching him grin.

 

“Then I think I should do it better than that,” he chuckled, pulling back to face her.  He put his hands on either side of her face and looked down to her.  “I love you.”  He nuzzled her neck after kissing her and chuckled slightly.  “That’s a little better, don’t you think?”

 

“I can add to it,” she said gently, kissing him again.  “I love you, too.”

 

 

 

AJ cleared his throat and slowly made his way across the studio under Kevin’s direct, angry stare.  Kevin shifted slightly, making himself taller and placed his hands on his hips, keeping a firm expression, hoping to intimidate AJ as much as possible.  AJ just came over and he watched him swallow heavily before speaking.  “I know you’re pissed, so I’m not even going to pretend otherwise.  I’ll keep out of your way.  Just wanted to let you know that she won’t be on tour.  She called André and he’s making other arrangements.”  He waited for a response, but Kevin barely nodded.  “Well, that’s all I wanted to say.”

 

He kept his eye on him, even if it was just staring at the back of his head.  He couldn’t think of any words to say to him.  One word and he couldn’t be sure if it would end up starting a fight or ending a friendship.  The best thing for him to do was keep silent and keep his distance until he was able to sort through some of this and wait until he felt something other than anger and betrayal.

 

Knowing that Katie wasn’t going with them to Japan didn’t make him feel any better, though, although it’s exactly what he wanted.  He should feel something for the fact that AJ did choose him.  His demand just came out of his mouth though, saying whatever he could to throw some power around.  AJ should know that.  Maybe he did, but maybe he didn’t want to test him either.

 

“Positions, guys!  Let’s go!”  Swoop came into the room, clapping slowly to get their attention.  “If you’re as good as you say you are,” he teased, “we’ll make up for yesterday by 11:00.  Let’s go!  Show me how good you really are!”

 

Kevin had the upper hand in this, and he knew it.  His mood was violent and not only AJ was scared of having that mood turned on them.  By 11:00, they were back on track, but none of it was fun.  They worked quietly, silent glances to one another, even when Howie tripped into Nick and, normally, they would have laughed.  Instead they avoided looking at one another, and Nick hid his giggling in his hand.  Kevin knew it was him keeping their spirits down, and he wanted to lighten up.  He just didn’t know how to release the anger.  Any chance he could, he separated himself from the rest of them, giving them a break from him.  Even AJ seemed to lighten up when he was across, or out of, the room.  He could hear them all laughing, the teasing, and as soon as he came in, looking daunting and stormy, they quieted down and looked away as if they were betraying him somehow by smiling.

 

After rehearsals, he stayed behind, waiting for them to clear out before heading in.  As he waited, pretending to stretch, he heard his cell phone.  “Kevin…” he started gruffly, but a smile broke over his face when he heard Chelsea’s voice.  “Hey, Darlin’, how you doing today?”  He slid down the wall and rested back, crossing his ankles and listened to her tell him about her day.  He wasn’t as consumed with anger when she talked, and he even managed a smile and wave to Brian and Howie when they came out of the locker room and left.

 

If he could figure out some way to hold onto Chelsea’s squeaky voice he might figure out a way to keep from hating everyone in the world.  He was hurt, he felt betrayed, but his little girl was still excited to talk to him and just before she hung up, she said the magic words.  “I have to go now, Dad.  Love you.  Bye.”  He flipped the phone closed and inhaled deeply.  ‘Love you too, Chels,’ he replied silently as Nick and AJ came out of the locker room.

 

“Later, Kev,’ Nick called with a wave.  Kevin returned the wave and attempted a smile, but caught AJ’s eyes and it froze.  He was going to see Chelsea a lot more than Kevin would.  AJ was going to be in her life, be there in the mornings, kiss her good night in the evenings.  He was going to be there when she came home and he’d hear the stories she had to tell before he would.  He lost enough time with Chelsea, he wasn’t about to compete with AJ for her.

 

 

“He’s such a bastard when he’s pissy,” AJ groaned, closing his eyes and grunting as Katie massaged his knee.  “But it was okay, over all.  Just a little sore.”  He reached down and massaged his thigh a little.  “Probably used this leg the most today since physical therapy.  Thought I was in pretty good shape until I sat down and it stiffened up on me,” he chuckled

 

“You poor thing,” she said, moving in between his legs and resting her head on his stomach.  “I thought you were in pretty good shape the other night.”

 

His hand slid through her hair, pulling out the elastic holding her hair up.  “I had different motivation the other night,” he purred in her ear.

 

She lifted both shoulders up with the chills and pulled the hem of his tank top up to place her lips on his bare stomach, tracing the tattoo around his navel with her tongue.  Again, she felt his hands in her hair, his fingertips massaging into her scalp as he moaned softly.  “Um…where’s Chelsea?” he asked quietly.

 

“With my parents,” she answered.  “It’s Friday night date night, remember?”  She pulled back from him and lifted the hem of his shirt again, pulling it over his head.  She slid her hand down his chest with a sexy smile and blinked up to him.  “I have to say, I missed watching you rehearse.  I like watching you dance.  The hip thrusts, the sweat…very sexy.”

 

“I can do a different dance for you now,” he said, leaning forward, but she placed a hand on his chest and pushed him back against the couch.  “Or not.”

 

“I want to examine your hips,” she said, running her hands down his torso and along the hips of his sweats.  “Up close, if you don’t mind.”

 

“Mind?” he choked playfully, lifting his hips up as she tugged at the waistband of his sweats.  “Does it look like I mind?”

 

“Now,” she said softly, leaning close to his hardness, “when you’re over there in Japan…”  She flicked the tip with her tongue before placing her mouth around his head and sucking gently before releasing him, “…when you’re right there center stage…”  She lowered down to flatten her tongue over his length, circling the tip with the tip of her tongue, “…I want you to remember being right here.”  She closed her mouth over his tip again, sliding him deeper into her mouth and running the tip of her tongue around the lip of his dick.  She closed her eyes to his taste, listening to him inhale sharply and release a low, deep moan.  “With every beat of the bass drum, I want you to remember me going down on you,” she said softly, blowing an easy breath over him, watching his stomach contract with the pulsing of his dick. 

 

“You trying to brainwash me or something?” he chuckled, lifting her chin up with a grin.

 

“Or hypnotize you, or something,” she grinned, holding his eye as she lowered back down to lick his tip again.  “Is that a problem?”

 

“I won’t need to be hypnotized or brainwashed to think of you,” he answered, his fingers rubbing her cheek gently.  “But I don’t mind you enforcing it.”

 

“I didn’t think so.”  She winked at him before taking him into her mouth again, massaging his balls in her palm.  He sunk deeper into the couch cushion and slid forward slightly and she adjusted herself between his legs, sucking gently on his firmness, increasing her pace to the sound of his grunts.

 

His hands captured her head, guiding her slightly more and he lifted his hips up to greet her as she went down.  She could feel herself becoming aroused listening to him, tasting him.  Her hand spread up to rest against the tight muscles of his stomach and she imagined herself straddling him, guiding his dick deep inside her wet, waiting pussy, arousing her further.

 

She tightened her lips around his dick, pulsing faster over him until he shivered beneath her and exploded in orgasm.  Tasting him only aroused her further, listening to his panting made her heart beat in time with it.  She had never felt this electrified with desire and she didn’t want to break contact with him and lose the energy.  She needed to keep touching him, keep her hands on him somehow, her lips against him.

 

“God, you’re so damn sexy,” he told her in a deep, raspy voice, sliding down to the floor with her and pushing her down, covering her mouth with his greedily.  She clung to him, digging her fingers into his back as she pulled him against her, and wrapped a leg around his.  Silently, she cursed the clothing keeping them apart and released him long enough to help him pull them from her, holding her breath until she felt his mouth on her skin, suckling her breast as his hand reached down between her legs.

 

She placed her hands on his shoulders and pushed him down slowly, already on the verge of orgasm.  He kissed her belly, sliding his tongue across her skin until he was able to plunge it deep into her wetness, flicking it over her clit to make her gasp and moan in pleasure.  His lips tugged at the tender flesh, his chin brushing against her until he could suckle at her wetness again.  She cried out in the pleasure, grabbing onto his shoulder and holding him firmly.  Once more, he plunged his tongue inside and she went over the edge, calling out as she came.

 

Before she could catch her breath, he pulled back from her and rolled her over onto her stomach.  He lifted her hips up and he entered her swiftly, holding onto her hips and pulling her against him.  She gasped with his entry, relishing how completely he filled her this way, the heavy grunts he made with each thrust.  She braced herself against them, pushing back with her whole body wanting to feel him fill her over and over.  “Deeper, Alex,” she commanded, “deeper.”

 

They dropped down to the carpet, gasping after he came.  Her mind was swimming and her body throbbed with pleasure.  She could still feel his hands on her hips even if they were no longer resting there.  He pulled out of her, lowering himself to place small, gentle kisses down her spine and over her thighs to kiss the back of her knees.  “Your neighbors are hard of hearing, I hope,” he teased.  “Otherwise, we might have the cops at the door soon.”

 

“I pity them if they don’t know the sounds of good sex,” she chuckled, rolling over onto her back and looking up to him.  She stretched her hand out to run it over his stomach, watching sweat trickle down his temples.  She sat up and moved closer to kiss him deeply, bringing him back down to the floor with her.  “I don’t have the energy to sit up just yet.”

 

“Hey, you started it,” he teased.

 

“And you’re complaining?”

 

“Do I sound like a man in the position to complain?”  He smoothed some hair stuck to her forehead and kissed her again gently.  “I don’t know what I did to deserve something like that, so if you’ll tell me, I’ll be sure to do it more often.”

 

“Just smile at me,” she told him with a smile.  “Look at me like you love me.”

 

“I do love you.”

 

“Then you know what to do, don’t you?”

 

 

 

Katie answered the phone as she and AJ lounged on the couch, watching TV and drew in a breath.  “Hi…Kevin…how’re you?”  AJ sat up, looking immediately concerned.  “No, you’re not interrupting something,” she replied coldly.  “Chelsea’s at my parents house though.”  She waved AJ to settle back and got up from the couch, heading into the kitchen.  “And you can cut out the attitude.  I’m sorry if we hurt you…”  He interrupted her, asking to take Chelsea the following day.  “That’s fine.  She’d like to see you before you go anyway.  Are you keeping her the night, or…”

 

She headed out the back door to the patio, trying to get some distance between her and AJ.  She’d fight her own battle with Kevin.  AJ didn’t need to jump in and defend her and she knew he would if he heard them.  “Okay, Kevin?  If you can’t talk to me with some kind of respect, you can’t talk to me at all,” she said plainly.  “To even think you have the nerve to speak to me like this?  Think about it, Kevin, okay?  Just think about who’s been disrespected.  If you want to go there, let’s go there.  I had your child after the lies you told me.  After you went behind my back and had an out and out relationship with someone I never even knew existed.  So do you really want to talk to me about being stabbed in the back and lied to?  And before you even say it, no, I didn’t do this to you to get back at you.  I’m bringing it up so you think about what the hell you’ve done in the past to even think I owe you any kind of groveling.  You’re anything but a Saint, Kevin.  I already said I was sorry for hurting you,” she continued firmly.  “You’re going to have to figure out some way to deal with this, especially if you’re going to be picking up and dropping Chelsea off at my house.  I won’t have her stuck in the middle of what’s going on.  Understood?  Now, I’m asking if you’re keeping her overnight so I can pack her Goddamn bag.”  She held her breath, waiting for some kind of response, but he remained cold and distant, telling her he’d keep her overnight.  “Fine.  I’ll have her bags packed.  I expect her home around 11:00.  When would you like to pick her up?”

 

She hung up, heading back inside and it took all her strength not to slam the phone down into the charger.  AJ was sitting up looking at her curiously.  “He’s picking Chelsea up tomorrow at noon,” she said, sitting back down and turning her attention to the TV.

 

“And?”

 

“And nothing.  That’s all.”

 

“Kate…you’re pissed.”

 

“You said yourself, he’s pissed off.  He’s just growling, right?  I told him he had to respect me for the sake of Chelsea, that’s all.  Whether he likes it or not, I don’t care.”

 

“This is better than lying to him,” AJ reminded her, pulling her to rest against him, “right?”

 

“Yeah, but he’s so damn thick headed he hasn’t figured that out yet.”

 

 

 

 

Kevin knew he shouldn’t have gone down to the bar, but he wasn’t going to sit in his room alone either.  He’d gotten better at easing up around everyone, but still wasn’t able to talk one on one with AJ yet.  When he came up from the bar, he knew he drank too much, but it was worse when AJ came out of Howie’s room and froze in the middle of the hallway when he saw him.

 

“Hey, Kev,” he said casually, waiting as if Kevin was going to respond to him.  Instead of turning and walking away like he’d been doing, AJ remained firm and continued to look at him expectantly.  “I said, ‘hey Kev.’”

 

“So?” Kevin replied, starting down the hallway.

 

AJ turned and followed him, catching up with his heavy stride.  “What do you want me to do, Kevin?” he asked, grabbing his elbow and forcing him to stop.  “Seriously, what do you want me to do?”

 

“Go to hell,” Kevin replied easily, pulling his arm free and sliding his key card through the slot.  AJ followed directly behind, slipping in the door before it closed.  “I swear Alex, don’t fucking bug me right now.”

 

“There is never going to be a good time to bug you and I’m sick of the silent treatment,” AJ told him.  “We have to end this.  It’s tearing everyone apart.  This isn’t just between you and me anymore, Kevin.”

 

“It never was between you and me,” Kevin said, going to the minibar and pouring one of the mini-bourbon bottles into a glass with some ice.  “It’s been between you, me and your girlfriend.”

 

“Okay, know what?  You have a right to be pissed off for a while, but you’re not going to drag this on and on because you’ve got a fucking ego problem!”

 

“What I find particularly touching is how you tried so hard to get us to work things out.”  Kevin waved his finger with the rest of his fingers still clutching the glass.  “Did you enjoy watching the drama unfold?  Being in the middle?  Is that why you did it?”

 

Kevin squinted at AJ, doing his best to get him into focus.  “Why, Alex?  That’s all I want to know…why did you have to choose Katie?  Why couldn’t you find someone else?”  He sank onto the bed and rested his hand back to steady him as he blinked up at Alex.

 

“You don’t want to, but you have to trust me, Kev.  It wasn’t intentional.  It was just something that clicked and we both felt it and that’s what happened.  We didn’t set out to get you, or hurt you, or screw with you, or set you up.  It just…”  AJ seemed to relax and stepped back and if he was more sober, he might actually see the sorrow in his face.  “I know you don’t want to hear it, but even if I wasn’t in the picture, man, she wasn’t going to choose you, but…if you want me to choose, I’ll choose.”

 

“Which one?” Kevin asked suspiciously.

 

AJ stood back and looked at him, taking a heavy breath.  “You know damn well that I’d have to choose you.  And if that’s what you really want me to do, then…fine.  I’ll do it.”  All Kevin did was nod, and even he was unsure if he was really making a decision, or just acknowledging the comment.  “Alright.  I’ll tell her when we get back tomorrow.  Stop drinking, now.  Go sleep it off.”  He turned and walked out of the room without so much as looking back in Kevin’s direction.

 

He finished his drink and just let the glass drop down to the floor and fell back onto the mattress.  This was supposed to be what he wanted, wasn’t it?  AJ chose him, but he didn’t feel any justification.  He remembered Katie telling him about someone previously that entered their life.  Chelsea became attached and she had to break the news to her that he wasn’t coming back.  Is that what he just inflicted on his own daughter?

 

He sat up, blinking at his reflection across from him over the chest of drawers.  If this was about Katie, shouldn’t he be thinking about how this will affect her?  She was the one involved with AJ and if anything, Katie was overly cautious about what Chelsea was exposed to.  He knew she was being smart about this, but when he really thought about it, wanted to be honest with himself, it wasn’t pain he felt.  It wasn’t anger.  It was fear.  Fear that he was going to lose Chelsea. 

 

Sure, he loved Katie, but it was more a family love, than romantic.  Chelsea drew him to katie.  She had Chelsea and through her, he had his daughter, and his daughter was all he wanted to focus on.  AJ wasn’t a threat.  It was jealousy that he might have more access to Chelsea, but…it was AJ…Alex.

 

Alex felt the emptiness his entire life of an absent father.  He would never stand between them.  He would never be able to take the place of him.  Kevin was still going to be in her life – always would be in her life. 

 

Alex was Katie’s boyfriend.  He was Chelsea’s father.  He was going to be the one that would go to school plays, kiss the tears away, catch fireflies, be at birthday parties, hold her when her boyfriend breaks her heart, and no matter what, love her the way only a father could love a daughter.  If Alex and Katie lasted, she’d have two men in her life.  After losing his own dad, maybe his daughter deserved to have the two of them watch over and protect her.  Maybe all this was the Universe making up for his own loss and doubly blessing his child.

 

 

Chelsea ran into his arms as soon as he was free from the gates.  He dropped his bag, lowered down to his knees to wrap his arms around her and picked her up.  In the background, he could see Katie standing back.  She looked at him briefly, and then looked away nervously.  He turned his head to see AJ come out behind him and stop, looking scared, or guilty?  Chelsea waved at him, and AJ winked at her with a small smile, but he didn’t move.  Katie looked down, biting her lips together nervously.

 

“What the heck are you waiting for?” Kevin said to him softly.  “You haven’t seen her in a week, is that any way to say hello to your girlfriend?”  AJ blinked at him in shock.  “Go on,” he urged.  AJ took a step, but hesitated, looking to him again.  “I know what you’re missing.  You don’t want to keep her waiting, Alex.”