"Here, sweetie," Em said, handing Jana the glass of juice with a smile. She had calmed down and was sitting outside on the balcony off the bedroom. "I've sent the boys out. Feeling a bit better?" Jana shrugged and sipped the juice, feeling her eyes flood with tears again. "You're so pregnant."

"I know," Jana sobbed.

"I did the same exact thing," she confided with a nod and sat in the chair next to her. "You feel huge and uncomfortable and tired?" Jana nodded, trying to swallow a sob. "He's hovering, isn't he? Trying to help too much? Making you think you're helpless?" Jana nodded again. "You're just pregnant, honey."

"I just…" Jana took a breath. "What if I can't do this?" she asked, full of panic. "What if I'm a terrible mother? How am I supposed to raise a child? What do I know about raising children? What if it gets sick? Or falls down? What do I do? What if it cries? How am I supposed to know what to do?"

"You're going to be a wonderful mother!" Em assured her. "Oh, Jana! You're going to be just fine! You'll know what to do! You'll be stunned how quickly you learn the difference between a diaper cry and a hunger cry. You'll have Kevin staring at you in wonder with how quick you'll know. You're a caring, loving person, Jana. You're already ahead of the game in how to be a mom."

"I'm just so scared," she said, swallowing another sob. "I have this pod inside of me and I don't know what I'm doing!"

"You do," Em said with a hug. "You're doing everything you're supposed to be doing right now, and that includes this breakdown. It's all normal. Comes with the condition."

"I just remember being romantic and stupid when I was sixteen and picturing my life with him and having his babies and now…I am! What was I thinking?" she questioned, looking to her in fear.

"He loves you, Jana," Em said with a chuckle. "That's what you were thinking! He loves you more than life itself, I think."

"But I'm Cybil!" Jana protested. "I've been so mean!"

"He knows you're pregnant, honey. He's just trying to make things easier for you because you're so uncomfortable. He's just being the nice guy he is."

"I know," Jana sobbed with shaking shoulders, running her hands over her belly. Em ran her hand along Jana's back, letting her cry it out. It was really all she needed to collect herself again. "I'm so sorry," Jana apologized, taking a deep breath and wiping the tears from her cheeks. "I just…"

"I understand," Em emphasized. "Really."

"I just feel so…huge," she said, motioning to herself. "Everything is huge. I can barely move around my belly, much less these things!" She put her hands over her breasts. "This is un-natural!"

"No it's not," Em laughed with a shake of her head. "You're twenty-six weeks pregnant, that's all. You'll be surprised how quickly you get your own body back once you birth your pod."

"Can I hold you to that?" Jana asked wearily, slumping back in the chair.

"Yes, you can," Em answered with a giggle. "You just needed to freak out. You'll be fine." She sat back and nodded. "Tomorrow, you're mine," she said decisively.

"To do what?" Jana asked, finally taking a soothing, deep breath.

"To pass on the tradition," Em said knowingly. "Salem took me out when I lost it during pregnancy, and I think Yasmin was the one that had told her about it."

"Salem?"

"John Taylor's wife?"

"Yeah," Jana nodded, "I thought it was that Salem. What did she make you do?"

"Nothing. It's all about what's done to you," Em said. "Leave it in my hands. You'll be fine. Now, drink your juice."

"Is Kevin coming?" Jana asked.

"No boys allowed," Em answered slyly. "Is he really driving you that insane?"

"No…yes…but, no," Jana sighed. "He thinks I'm just…ugly or something? He hovers all over me and all, but that's it. Just hovering. I have virtually attacked him to have sex but…." She wiped new tears from her cheeks. "Look at me! I'm gross."

"Stop! He doesn't think that at all, Jana! Not at all! God, whenever anyone asks about you he tells them how beautiful you are!"

"He hasn't wanted to be near me in forever," Jana whined.

"He's scared," Em said. "Alex was petrified of physical contact. Once we got it through his thick head that he wasn't going to hurt anything, he was better."

"No!" Jana said quickly with a shake of her head. "No. I tried that already. It worked for about a day and then…nothing. The boy is just too backwoods for his own good sometimes."

"But he's pretty," Em teased with a giggle.

"And look where it got me!" Jana motioned to her belly. "The work of the devil! The devil I tell you!"

~

Jana felt better, dressed and made it downstairs. They were watching Em's latest cut of her video in the entertainment room when Nick and Kevin came back. Kevin immediately went over to Jana to kiss her hello, watching her cautiously. "Everything okay?"

"I am stealing your wife tomorrow, Kevin," Em announced brightly, turning the video off.

"Stealing her where?"

"You will never know," she replied. "It's a rite of passage for pregnant women. I don't know, to this day, how Salem managed to go through this five times and say she likes being pregnant."

"She's a freak," Jana groaned.

"You said you didn't mind," Kevin said, sitting on the arm of her chair and putting his arm across the back.

"I need more ice," Em said standing up. "Anyone want anything while I'm up?"

"A pop?" Nick asked, flopping next to Jana and pressing play on the remote. "What're you watching?"

"Looks like Em's work," Kevin noticed. Em headed out of the room, tapping Kevin as she went and looked over her shoulder back at him, motioning for him to follow. "Be right back," he said, kissing the top of Jana's head.

~

She was waiting for Kevin in the kitchen, pouring an iced tea as he rounded the corner and crossed his arms. "Okay, what did I do?"

"Nothing," she said easily, "outside of being male."

"Sexual hazard," he answered. "What?"

She stepped closer and lowered her voice, looking past him before looking at him. "I don't think there's much sexual happening, Kevy-Kev. Did you forget your wife is still a woman?"

"My wife…what?" he asked, looking down to her. Still a crush that wouldn't die, he considered, so dang beautiful. "What do you mean?"

"Sex, Kevin," she said, looking past him again. "Husbandly duties? Intercourse?"

"She's pregnant." He pointed behind him. "She didn't get pregnant by osmosis."

"Yeah? Ever think of reminding her of that?" Em giggled. "She's just pregnant, Kevy. She's not suddenly immune to desires and emotions. Matter of fact, hormones give you more of a drive. And you're missing out on it," she lightly teased. "Did you know she thinks you find her unattractive?" His eyes widened in shock and his mouth dropped open. She reached up and lifted his jaw with a smile. "Stop hovering over her and start treating her like a woman again. Your last few weeks as a single married couple will be much better for it."

"But…but…" he sputtered at her giggle.

"She's pregnant, Kevin, that's all." She tapped his chin and grabbed a soda for Nick. "And if you mention having this conversation with Jana, I will make you look like the hunchback of Notre Dame in your next video. I'm doing you a favor. Understood?" She walked towards him. "There's a difference between attentive and smothering. Figure it out."

~

Rachel stepped out of the car and ran over to Jana, throwing her arms around her. "Look at you!" She stepped back with a huge grin and placed her hand on Jana's belly. "My God, Jana! It's going to be bigger than you!"

"Rachel! What're you doing here?" Jana exclaimed happily, hugging her again.

"Em brought me along. She thinks it'll be good for me to learn before I ever have a pregnancy meltdown," Rachel giggled teasingly, hooking her elbow with Jana's and leading her inside as Em followed.

"Oh, yes, Ms. Evesham," the attendant said pleasantly. "Your friend, Ms. Kraft, called ahead with arrangements for Mrs. Richardson."

"I love my Say!" Em grinned to Jana and Rachel.

"We've got a full day scheduled according to Ms. Kraft's recommendations," the attendant continued. "I'm going to hazard a guess you're the pregnant one?" She smiled to Jana and extended her arm out. "We have your room all set up. This way please."

Jana looked back to Em with a puzzled expression, and Em laughed. "Go ahead. If Say called, you're in for the best day of your life."

"What am I in for?" she questioned the attendant.

"Nothing to look so uneasy about, Mrs. Richardson," the attendant said easily. "This way, please." She led Jana into a private room, filled with aromatic candles and soft lighting. "There's a robe for you to change into, and we'll begin with your manicure and pedicure. Lunch will be served out on the patio with your friends in about an hour. We have you scheduled for a massage with one of our therapists trained in pregnancy massage. Once that is completed, you will be taken up to the terrace for a facial massage. Now, can I get you anything? Tea, water, juice?" Jana shook her head. "Please feel free to ask one of the attendants should you change your mind, and they'd be happy to serve you."

"Wow," Jana whispered, looking around. "Thank you."

"Enjoy your day, Mrs. Richardson, and the best of luck with your new baby." She turned and disappeared from the room, leaving Jana alone to slip out of her clothes and change into the robe. It was enough being in this quiet, tranquil surrounding. She sunk down into one of the soft chairs, felt her senses open to the smells around her and closed her eyes with a deep breath.

She fluttered her eyes open when she heard the light tapping on the door and timidly answered with a 'yes?' as a different attendant walked in to introduce herself. "Can I get you anything, Mrs. Richardson?" She shook her head. "If you'd come with me?"

She was led down a hallway into another room where Em and Rachel were already sitting in a chair with their own attendants getting their pedicures. "And?"

"Wow," Jana said with a chuckle.

"Salem said she learned this from her husband," Em said. "That boy knows how to pamper a woman! I called her, and she said to tell you 'with compliments' and hopes you'll help us talk your husband into posing for a nude for her."

"I'll do whatever she wants," Jana laughed as felt the massage along her torso from the pedicure chair.

"Thank God!" Em laughed. "We've been trying to see that boy's naked butt for years!"

"It's worth preserving," Jana said, followed by a laugh. "I know they have that plaster caster - rock rod thing. Maybe Kevin should be the first to just have his entire body preserved?"

"Oh, I will so jump on that campaign!" Rachel laughed.

"That Kevin is a thing of beauty," Em added.

"He matured well," Jana said with a smile.

~

She could feel warm towels placed over her face before the attendant wiped the remaining goop off. Jana tried hard not to consider what she might look like, or she'd crack into giggles. "All I need is the cucumber eyes for the full effect, eh?" she questioned her attendant.

"Actually, cucumber does reduce puffiness around the eye area," the attendant answered. "However, it's probably not the fashion statement you want to make."

"Probably not," Jana answered. "I don't think it would match my nails."

"So, do you know if you're having a boy or girl?"

"Yes," Jana answered, feeling herself smile. "It's a boy."

"How exciting! Any names?"

"That's the last remaining secret, actually. Kevin and I know, but that's it until we have the birth certificate."

Jana had never had a facial before, and out of everything that she'd had done, this was by far the most relaxing thing ever. The attendant's fingertips seemed to smooth and ease out whatever stress she'd been holding, and drawing out whatever hidden thoughts she'd had.

I don't want to think about going home yet. I don't want to have to face Kevin and his worried look. I don't want to sit up and lug my stomach around yet. I don't want to do anything…

"Mrs. Richardson?" She could feel the tears in her eyes, and the attendant wiped them away. "You'd be surprised how many times that happens," she said gently. "Sometimes, unlocking some of the stress opens the path for all the bottled up emotions to come out."

"I didn't mean…"

"It's fine," she continued easily, finishing the massage. "It's normal, really."

~

In the final part of her spa treatment, her hair had been conditioned, trimmed and styled. Her nails were perfectly shaped, her skin glowed, and she hadn't felt this comfortable in her skin since she'd started showing. When she walked into the house, Kevin met her at the door, dressed in a dark green suit, black turtleneck, and holding a single rose. "Wow," he said in a breath, "you look fabulous."

"Thank you," she said as he handed her the rose and kissed her.

"Dinner's ready."

"Dinner?" she asked as he took her hand and led her through the living room, lit only with candles, to the dining room, also lit with candles. He sat her in the chair and placed the napkin on her lap for her before disappearing into the kitchen. He returned moments later with pasta in red sauce and sat next to her.

"You cooked?"

"Since you've been gone," he answered with a nod. "No meat."

"I noticed."

He picked up his fork and stuck it into her plate, lifting a few noodles and feeding her the first bite. "And?" he questioned.

"Fabulous," she sighed happily. "You outdid yourself."

"Did you enjoy your day?"

"It was amazing," she said, still awed. "Just what I needed."

"Can I ask what it was, or is it that secretive?"

"Pampered," she said simply. "Totally pampered. The works. And you have to pose naked for Salem."

"I have to what?" he asked, his forehead wrinkling in shock.

"You have to pose naked for Salem Kraft," she repeated with a smile. "It won't hurt. Promise."

"Well…why?"

"Because," Jana said with a knowing smile, "we owe her."

"We? You and me, or you and pod?"

"You, me, and pod."

"Okay," he said slowly.

They talked easily for the rest of the dinner, and when they were done, Kevin cleared the table as she went in to watch TV. He joined her a bit later and pressed the play button on the remote, settling in behind her and bringing her to lean against him.

"What's this?" she asked as she saw AJ's face appear in front of the camera with his trademark laugh. As it pulled away, she recognized the suit he'd worn to their wedding.

"The other project I've been working on," he said, holding her warmly.

"This is our wedding video?" she asked, watching the camera pan to show the line up of the boys with their dates and Leslie standing next to her, fixing her hair as they all laughed and shouted 'shotgun' at the camera. "Oh my God, Kev!"

"Just the highlights," he said easily with a lift of his shoulder.

"Em talked to you, didn't she?" Jana said wisely.

He smiled. "I'm sworn to secrecy."

"You're good, Kevy," she said, pulling herself up to face him. "You're not that good."

"Well, she may have given me a slight head's up," he admitted. "I'm just a dumb guy, Jana."

"I know," she chuckled, settling back against him to watch their reception on the screen. "Good thing I love you."

"It is," he agreed. "I admit it. I'm not that much of a dumb guy. I know when I've got a good thing goin'."

"Oh, God, remember that?" She pointed to the screen as his nephew stood on the dance floor mimicking Uncle Kevin with a play mic. "He was so damn adorable."

"I'm worried about the competition," he laughed quietly. "Those pop stars are starting younger and younger these days."

"You've got a better butt," she commented.

"Good to know," he snickered.

The video finished, Kevin turned the TV off, just sitting in the candlelight that quietly surrounded them. "So, what else do you have planned?" Jana asked.

"Well," he hesitated, feeling the palms of his hands begin to dampen with sweat, "I need to tell you something…and it might…clear up a few things." She pulled herself up slightly to lean against the couch in order to see him. Kevin pulled his leg out from behind her and inhaled deeply, almost feeling the guilt as strongly as he had when Kristin had looked at him that morning after. He could feel his heart pound against his ribs, and his mouth started to dry out, but he took another breath and attempted to smile. "This…"

This what…how do you say this, Kev? You're scaring her. Look at her expression. Say something. Don't drag it out.

"This may not be the first pregnancy," he said, biting his lip a moment as she furrowed her eyebrows at him. "And once you know the full story, I think everything that happened will make a lot more sense."

"What full story?" she asked slowly.

"Kristin was pregnant once, for real," he said, looking at her apprehensively. "At least, we think she really was pregnant once, but…something happened, and she wasn't anymore."

"Something happened?"

"She thinks it was my fault. Because we…well, I wasn't very gentle with her…in bed. Not that I meant to be rough," he added quickly. "I mean…I never planned on anything happening. I was just twenty-one and drunk, but she knew I wasn't really happy about it, and I wasn't really all that upset when she told me she had gotten her period…and that just happened to be one morning after I'd been drinking and we had sex. Maybe I should have been more careful. I don't know. But when she told me she was pregnant again eight years later…"

"You married her," Jana finished. Kevin could only nod in response. "Jesus, Kevin," she sighed, dropping her shoulders. "Why the hell didn't you say something sooner?"

"I can ask you the same thing about the sonogram. I didn't say anything about it because no one outside of Kristin and me ever knew about it, and I've tried really hard not to remember it…but then you were pregnant, and I just figured I'd play it safe and do everything opposite of what I did with her, hoping I'd get it right this time."

"Kevin," Jana said, turning to look at him directly, "you having sex with Kristin didn't make her lose a baby. Do you have any idea how insulated a baby is? Think about it, Kevin. If having sex while you were pregnant was any way to cause a miscarriage, do you think there'd be a need for abortions? You can't do that kind of damage just by having intercourse."

"Rationally I know that," he admitted. "But I saw that look in Kristin's eyes, and it's still kinda hard to forget."

"So, after laying blame on you for something you had no control over the first time, she did it a second time so you'd marry her? And then tried it again so you'd stay married to her? After she made sure you were reminded of what you did to her the first time around?" Jana asked with a disbelieving shake of her head.

"There wasn't a gun pointed to my head, Jana," he said defensively. "I did have feelings for her at one point. I thought we'd be able to work things out if she felt more secure in our relationship. She isn't totally to blame for what she did. I really thought I would make it work because I felt like I owed it to her and I wanted to believe we had something. I was wrong, but she had plenty of reasons for doing what she did. I'm no angel, and neither is she."

"No, you're not an angel, but there's a limit."

"Look, I didn't bring this up to go into the reasons why Kristin and I didn't work out," he said, shifting in his seat and sighing heavily. "I brought it up because I wanted to tell you why I haven't been intimate with you like you've wanted me to be. I wanted to tell you so you'd know that it wasn't because I think you're not beautiful, or anything you've done…"

"No, it's something Kristin's done. Again."

"Jana, it doesn't matter now," he said impatiently.

"It does matter. It matters because for the last twenty-six weeks, I've been miserable! For the last twenty-six weeks, you've not come near me unless I've virtually attacked you!" She sighed in frustration and shook her head. "I've been staring at myself in the mirror wondering just what it was that repulsed you so much to the point that you don't want to be near me! Goddamn, Kevin! Why didn't you tell me this sooner? When I was taken out of work? When we were having those talks and I asked you to chill out? You couldn't have said something then?" She closed her eyes tightly and rubbed her temples.

"Like you told me about the sonogram when it happened?" he snapped, sighing heavily as he realized how angry he sounded. "Look, I didn't want it to become an issue like it's starting to. I'm telling you now."

"And I didn't tell you about the sonogram because you were already totally weirded out. I didn't tell you because you were having issues I had no idea about. Maybe if I knew, I would have been able to handle it differently. This whole thing became an issue when you didn't tell me and still reacted to it," she said, keeping her eyes fiercely on his face. She turned away furiously and stood up, pulling her arms out of reach when Kevin tried to hold her. "Don't touch me," she warned with nothing but hatred in her expression when she looked back over to him before starting out of the room.

"Jana, come back," he called after her, standing up.

She paused and turned to face him. "I didn't want to believe that we rushed into this," she said in an icy tone. "I didn't want to think you weren't ready…but all you've done is show me just how married you are…to her, and I'm not going to stand around and attempt to take her place. I'm done, Kevin. I don't have any patience for this shit anymore. When you decide who you want to be married to, I'll be willing to talk."

"What? Jana!"

"Deal, Kevin!" she yelled, storming out of the room.

He followed, watching her pick up her purse by the front table. "Where are you going?"

"When I know, I'll let you know," she said, but this time the defiance in her voice shook with tears.

~

"Jesus, Mary, and Holy baby Jesus, Kevin!" AJ exclaimed, his mouth dropping open as Kevin explained what happened. "Now you tell us what really happened with Kris?" Kevin shrugged helplessly and opened his palms out. "So, you did all that shit out of guilt?"

"No! Not at all! Not all of it! Maybe in the beginning…but…no! And that's not the point anymore. Point is…what do I do now?"

"So, Jana just left?" AJ asked quietly, looking concerned. Both sat in the low-lit studio early the following morning. Kevin had decided to go in early just to get out of the house, tired of waiting for his phone to ring. He'd already been to the gym for his two-hour workout, but stress was still knotted in his shoulders and stomach. Those knots were the only things keeping him from breaking down into tears.

Kevin nodded slowly, keeping his eyes from looking at AJ directly. "She just left."

"She call yet?" Kevin shook his head. "Damn, Kev," AJ sighed in disbelief. "What're you gonna do?" Kevin barely lifted his eyes to him, unable to answer. "Fuck," AJ muttered in sympathy, patting Kevin's shoulder, but Kevin pulled away.

"Don't, Aje," he said quietly, "I'm barely holding it together as it is, okay?"

"Don't what?"

Kevin slouched down in the chair briefly before sitting back up and leaning his elbows on the soundboard. "Don't feel sorry for me."

"Dude," AJ snickered lightly, "I don't feel sorry for many people, and you, my man, are not one of them. You fucked up, yeah…but I'm not going to feel sorry for you...unless you sit there and don't attempt to fix things. Then I'll feel sorry for you for being a complete dick. This is still do-able, Kevin, if you get your head out of your ass." His only response was a lifted eyebrow to AJ. "What? You think she's wrong? Dude! Did you hear what you just told me? What she said to you? What you said to her? Hell, I'd walk out on you too!"

"I don't want to talk about it, Aje," Kevin said quickly, waving a hand at him.

"Don't talk about it, Kev, do something about it." AJ sat back, placing his hands behind his head. "Hell, I'm the poster child of changing your life around, right? Someone told me once as I was sitting in a hotel room, waiting to go to rehab, scared of thinking about the things that put me in that position, that all I had to do was look around me to see that everything I needed to turn my life around was all around me, and inside of me, right?"

AJ, packed suitcase by his feet, looked pale as he sat on the edge of the bed and waited for the car to come around and take him away. Kevin hung back by the door, waiting for AJ to break into a joke, make some sarcastic crack to break the somber tension hanging in the room.

"Scared?" Kevin questioned. AJ slowly nodded, turning his head up to look at him. Kevin could see the fear behind his eyes, and noticed the nervous jittering of his knee. "You'll get through it, Alex." It was rare Kevin called AJ, "Alex," but part of him knew there had been a separation created in AJ's mind. Kevin had met 'Alex', but somewhere it had changed to AJ. He looked into the eyes of Alex, a scared, nervous, guilty looking Alex.

"I don't have a fucking clue how."

"We're here for you, Alex. You know we are. Every person you see, every one of us, are here for you, even if you don't want to face us all, or see it all around you just yet. Everything you need to get through this is around you, all you have to do is look inside, and look around, bro."

AJ cracked a smile at Kevin, patting his shoulder. "Sucks when you have to swallow your own meds, don't it?"

~

"I'm at Fatima's," Jana said quietly on the phone to Kevin, "just to get my head together, you know? I feel like I've been scolded for not telling you certain things, but all the while, you've held back all this other stuff… It's not even me that's hurt you." Her voice quavered slightly with tears. "But I'm still the one paying the price, and this last bit of news…just pushed me over the edge, Kevin. I mean…how?" She hesitated, trying to find strength, anger, in her voice, but failing. "How could you have been this disturbed by me being pregnant and not say something? Let me feel so isolated and so hurt for months without letting me know what was causing it?"

She heard him sigh, but couldn't tell if it was a sigh of hesitation or one of frustration. It would take time for him to process what she'd been feeling, and she expected no immediate response. "So, what does this mean, Jan?"

"What does what mean?"

"Are you going to come home?"

"I'm trying to figure out whether or not we made a mistake. I'm trying to figure out whether or not maybe we rushed into this too quickly." This time her voice broke with the fear. "That maybe you didn't have enough time to get over your past before I forced you into…"

"You did not force me into anything, Jana," he interrupted quickly. "Yeah, things could have been handled differently…but that doesn't mean I ever regretted being with you...what happened between us."

"I'm not saying you do. I'm saying that maybe you weren't ready to take all this on when there's so much else you're trying to come to terms with. I feel like all I seem to do is dredge up bad memories for you, and while I'm trying to be happy and move forward, your eyes are closed and you're re-living some horrible past." There was silence in response, and she hesitated, taking a deep breath before continuing. "I don't want this role, Kevin. I don't want to be in this position, and I don't know how I'm supposed to get out of it if I don't know what you're thinking, or feeling, or trying to deal with… I don't know where to go from here, Kevin. I just don't. From the bottom of my soul, I love you. I've loved you since I was sixteen…but I don't feel like you've let yourself love me, or share yourself with me. And I don't know how to make that happen." The tears were coming without thought now, with no way of stopping them. "I've tried to be patient, and I've tried to understand, and right now, I just need to step back and stop trying so hard. Maybe you need to see what we really are? Because I think we could be pretty amazing if you'll let us be."

When he spoke, his voice was deep and low, sounding as bewildered as she felt. "Jan…we…" He paused, sighing heavily. "Come home. Please? We can't do this over the phone, and we can't do this apart. I understand what you're feeling, but please, believe me, I know what you mean to me. And I promise we can work this out. We're not making a mistake being together. We're not a mistake. I made the mistakes…I know I have, but please…"

~

"Dude!" Kevin called out, wrapping his arm around Nick's shoulder in the crowd. "What're you drinkin', little bro?"

"We're still drinkin', Kev?" Nick laughed, lifting Kevin's wrist to check his watch. "Now, don't make me be the responsible one, dawg. You'll ruin the image."

"One more, an' then we can go," Kevin said nonchalantly with a nod, slapping Nick's shoulder a bit too hard. Yup, drinking. A night, or two, out on the town, right? Can't hurt. No one's waiting up, why not?

Nick blinked with the roughness of the patting and attempted to laugh it off. "You said 'one more' three drinks ago." Nick hadn't been old enough to really ever chill with Kevin in the clubs before. There had been plenty of parties, and after parties, and after-after parties, but not really one on one like they had been this weekend. "Maybe we should just call it a night? Before sunrise?"

"Kevin?" It was the same blonde that had been trailing him all night.

Nick watched, and Kevin noted the concern behind his eyes. One phone call and Kevin knew his marriage would really be over, but he hadn't really noticed Nick on the phone much, and they'd spent quite a bit of time together tonight. There was no harm in a little flirting. That's all it would be too because all she was doing was reminding him how unlike Jana she was. "No more tonight, darlin'," Kevin said with a smooth smile. "The little one's turning into a pumpkin."

"Sure, Kev," Nick muttered, rolling his eyes, "blame the little guy."

Kevin tightened his elbow around Nick's neck, laughing, and started walking unsteadily out of the bar. Holding onto Nick was one of the few things that was keeping him upright, and he was pretty certain Nick was aware of that fact as well. He was also sure Nick wouldn't let him make a fool of himself in front of Mick Jagger, or any of the other 'A List' people in the VIP room.

It had been forever since he'd done this. He couldn't even remember the last time he just chilled with Nick. As long as Kevin didn't delve too deeply into the solo album, management, or recording issues, Kevin figured it was a good way to take advantage of their schedules crossing in Boston. Why hadn't they done this before? He couldn't remember Nick being this down to earth, or chilled out. Is this what his brothers went through? Had they ever looked at him and thought 'my God, my little brother's an okay guy after all!'?

"You're an okay guy, Nick," Kevin said, squeezing Nick's shoulder as they made their way through the crowd towards the door. "I mean it. You're really an okay guy."

"Yeah," Nick snickered, "thanks, Kev."

"No," he said slowly, "I know I've had too much to drink an' all, but, really…you're an okay guy. It's been cool chillin' with you this weekend."

"Yeah, you too." Nick was definitely not comfortable, so Kevin just laughed and let go as they stepped onto the sidewalk outside. Kevin shuffled in behind Nick to the waiting car and sunk down in the seat. "You okay, Kev?"

"Yeah, fine." Maybe that came out too quickly, he realized when Nick lifted his eyebrow curiously.

"Things okay with Jana?"

This time, Kevin chuckled, shaking his head. "You've talked to AJ, what do you think?"

"There might be a little something going on," Nick admitted with a sly smile. "Not that anyone's told me anything, cuz, you know, I'm just the punk kid that doesn't know anything. But, since you've spent the entire weekend hangin' with me and I'm an okay guy now…maybe someone will tell me what's going on."

"You're an okay guy…I'm a total shit right now," Kevin admitted with a shrug. "Jana's taking some time away for a bit."

Nick laughed, glancing over to Kevin in surprise. "Cuz you're a shit? She didn't know that?" he teased.

"Apparently y'all kept that fact to yourselves and didn't share the secret. She seemed kinda surprised."

"Ya ain't all that bad, Kev," he said with an easy glance. "Bit of a perfectionist, kinda bossy sometimes, but over all, you're not that bad."

Kevin looked at Nick with mild amusement. "Kinda wish I had that recorded. You just said I wasn't all that bad."

"Chill, Kev, it's not the first time," he chuckled lightly. "I also said you could be a perfectionist and bossy, I left out thick-headed. I think this might be one of those times."

"Thick-headed?"

"Tunnel vision, maybe?" Nick offered casually as he looked over at him. "Set destination, no stops, no pauses, all systems go… one track mind, auto-pilot…cruise control, dude."

"You've thought a lot about this, haven't you?" Kevin laughed.

"I've had some time to consider it, yeah," Nick replied. "A few years or so… Actually, I think it was Howie that told me that a few years ago. Seems to kinda fit, doesn't it?"

"Howie? Dang, I thought he was my friend!"

"Who else other than your friends would speak the truth, Kev? Think about it. As you can see, we're not holding it against you. We recognize it and move on. Let you get all anal an' shit, and you chill out eventually. Maybe that's what Jana's waiting for."

"For me to chill out?" He watched the people on the sidewalk as they rode along for a few minutes before looking back over to Nick. "I don't think there's any way to chill out on this one."

"You will," Nick told him confidently. "You always find a way to eventually. Hell, you always land on your feet."

Kevin burst into a laugh and stared at Nick in disbelief. "Minus a few broken bones, a couple of visits to the emergency room, some surgery…"

"I never said you were graceful about it, dawg. But you do. You always get what you want, don't you?"

"Now, that sounds a bit bitter," Kevin teased, nudging Nick with his elbow.

"Not really," Nick shrugged, looking out his window. "I'm learning myself, still."

Kevin leaned against the car door and dropped his chin, studying Nick. "I don't know, Nicky…I'm not used to this new and improved guy. You're all down to earth, and acting responsible. When'd that happen? Where've I been?"

"Not you, Kev, me. It's where I've been."

"Okay. Where've you been?"

"Name it," Nick answered, still not looking at Kevin, and Kevin found it unsettling. He could feel that he was heading into the territory he wanted to avoid because last time they tried to talk, they ended up bruised. He could see Nick was thinking something, but not sharing those thoughts. "I've just been…oh, I dunno. Whatever."

"I want to know where you've been, little man," Kevin said, tilting his head slightly as if trying to see Nick's face in the lights from the hotel as they drove up. Nick needed someone, he figured. He was here, with Kevin, and getting quiet, that meant something. Before it went any further, Nick climbed out his side before Kevin could see him, so he got out and followed Nick inside. He put his arm around Nick's shoulder again and led him across the lobby towards the elevators. "Come on, little man. I think we need another drink."

"I think we need some sleep," Nick protested with a slow shake of his head.

"That's what planes are for," he answered, pushing Nick gently through the doors. "We're just gonna kick back, have a drink, and say 'fuck it all' to everything. How's that?"

Once they were in his room, Kevin grabbed some beers from the mini-bar, walked over to the bed, and sat down heavily. Nick sat next to him, taking the beer offered. "We're in Boston…seems to be the place that brings that out in us Backstreets, huh?"

"Don't let's get started on that," Nick groaned. Kevin dropped back onto his elbows and reached for the remote with a sigh. "We were having fun until about half an hour ago. Let's go back to having fun."

Kevin perked up a bit, flipping through the channels, pausing on ESPN before landing on MTV. "No blondes," he told Nick.

"No wanton sex goddesses, no wife," Nick said pointedly.

"No wife," Kevin agreed. "Although, if I was in LA at the moment, she wouldn't be there, either. At least here, I've got you for company."

"Dang, Kev, you're just desperate, aren't you?" Nick teased with a giggle, sipping the beer.

Kevin sat up, slipping a hand around the cool glass of the beer and taking a long drink. "Not really," he said quietly. "It's been awhile since we've actually spent any time together, though, little man. I haven't been able to tease you, or even call you a punk ass in a long time. I've missed having you around. I admit it."

"Even though last time we were in the same room we ended up with black eyes?"

"Bad circumstances." He shrugged. "I was stupid and should have just gone home when I found out about the sonogram." He groaned. "Why the hell doesn't MTV play music?"

"Try MTV2," Nick said, taking the remote from Kevin, flipping channels. "See? Tupac. Hip Hop."

"No," Kevin grabbed the remote back. "All I need is to see something Jana's in, or did, and I can kiss this decorum good-bye." He took another swig of his beer and flipped through more channels. "There we go! Home Shopping Network?" Nick laughed, fighting for control of the remote. "What? You don't want a Blue and White Zircon 14k ring? If you call right now, you could get two! Only $179.75! Now that's some bling, dude!"

"Cool!" Nick stopped on History Channel. "Skulls!"

"It's official," Kevin laughed. "We're fuckin' old."

"Remains of dead presidents?" Nick howled, taking a drink. "How fucked is that?"

Kevin scrunched his forehead at the screen. "Did he just say 'human hairball,' dawg?"

"See?" Nick nodded. "You wanna watch it now, doncha?"

"Fucked up," Kevin commented slowly.

"Better than MTV." After a quick story about Dr. W.C. Minor's contributions to the Oxford Dictionary, Nick giggled. "Great, they make fun of us for sayin' 'dawg', and 'dude' and whatnot, but this guy is schizo and he's responsible for most of the definitions of the English language?"

"Don't forget, coming up, the curse of the Presidents…the things that're on TV…dang…" Kevin reached out, but Nick pulled the remote away.

"I want to know about the curse! At least I can have a valid reason for not growing up to be President!"

"Screw you! I want a political career! I don't want to know about any curses!"

"Kev, you're not gonna be President. I wouldn't worry about it. Cool!" Nick exclaimed, watching the close up of the probe used on President Lincoln, the bullet that killed him, and bone fragments from the wound. Following that, there was a story about President Cleveland's tumor, and then images of President Garfield's vertebrae. "Dude! His brain!" Nick cackled about Garfield's assassin's brain in a jar. "There ya go! Just don't get elected in a year that ends in zero, Kev, and you'll live."

"I'll see what I can do."

Nick turned his head and dropped his chin. "Come on, Kev…President?"

"I'll start with senator and see what happens." Kevin smiled and took a drink.

"Well, if you run for President, I'll vote for you."

"That's mighty big of you, Nicky." Kevin clinked his beer bottle with Nick's. "Now all we have to do is get you registered."

"You're starting to sound like Rachel," Nick said, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, well…"

"I know…it's my civic duty, blah-blah-blah…"

"Nick…"

"They're talking about dead guys again," Nick said, pointing to the screen. "Shush."

"I take it back, you're still a freak," Kevin teased, leaning back onto his elbows again, and shaking his head.

Nick looked back at him with an impish giggle. "Don't sound so surprised."

"I know. I shouldn't, should I? I am curious, though," he lifted a finger towards Nick, "shouldn't you have been on the phone by now talkin' to Rachel for hours?"

Nick looked back over his shoulder. "Shouldn't you be trying to call Jana and patch things up instead of being here? She is having your baby an' all. You should at least be speaking, right?"

"Soon as she cools off," Kevin said sadly. "Soon as I figure out how to explain…"

"Explain what?" Nick turned to look at him curiously. "Kev, what happened?"

"Too much thinking about the past, not enough thinking about the future." In spite of being close, knowing differently, part of Kevin's mind still remembered Jana as a small, tiny cheerleader, easy to lift, his arm fitting snugly around her shoulder… If he closed his eyes, he could feel the end of her ponytail brushing against his elbow as they walked down the covered sidewalk towards the high school gym before practice.

Now, he glanced over to the picture he'd placed on the nightstand, taken last week out on the patio. Somewhere in her expression, there was something familiar, a trace of that cheerleader he knew in his mind. The smile? The energy? The hopefulness? Maybe it was the excitement for the future? She was looking directly at the camera, the corner of her eyes squinting in a broad smile, laughing at his teasing. He already forgot what he'd said to cause such a smile, but he was happy he had it preserved.

There had to be a way to bring back that smile. To replace the tears and anger he last remembered on her face, the hurt he'd put behind her eyes. For what? A memory almost a decade old. For a memory that he wasn't even sure was a reality. Something he'd always questioned in the back of his mind, but rarely admitted to, quickly dismissed.

Why? Did you doubt Kristin so far back? Did you just not want to admit it? What if you had, Kev? What if you did admit it? Where would you be now? He looked over to the photo and wiped his thumbs along his tired eyes. You weren't ready for Jana either, Kevin. She's wondering if you're ready for her now. How do you convince her you are? Bury your past already, little man. He could hear Tim's voice in his head. That'd be exactly what he'd tell him if he called. Bury your past already, little man. Forward…

Wasn't that what he'd told him once before?

Coming home from a day of landscaping, tired, angry, annoyed. He wanted to be somewhere else. Just looking at a lawnmower made him want to kick it.

Getting out of bed was harder and harder, but each morning when he went down for breakfast, he'd see his mother. He couldn't leave her even though she seemed to be handling everything. She had the rest of the family, her church, her friends…

He sat on the back porch of the Great Hall watching the fog rise from the valley below, embracing the straggling trees along the valley's edge as he slowly sat back in the wooden rocker with his feet on the railing, slowly pouring Scotch down his throat. When Tim found him, he was pondering just how much he was like those poor, straggling trees being sucked into the fog, everything around him fading out of vision into a white, misty haze.

The Drunken Poet, he thought bitterly.

"I don't know if that's one of the most pathetic things I've ever seen, or if it's some Kentucky folklore come to life," Tim said with slight scolding in his voice, resting his hands on his hips as he came around the corner.

Kevin glanced sideways and just drank another swallow of Scotch. "Same difference," he mumbled, re-adjusting the crossing of his ankles.

"Oh, little man..." Tim shook his head slowly and moved to the rocker next to his. He reached his hand out, and Kevin handed him the bottle of Scotch. After taking his own swallow, he handed it back to Kevin and looked out over the railing. "You need to get the hell out of here, Kev."

"Like that'll ever happen."

Tim sat up with a scrutinizing look. "Nope, I don't see 'em."

"See what?" He was annoyed and didn't want company, much less playful guessing games.

"The chains binding you here," Tim answered, sitting back easily and lifting his feet up to the railing next to Kevin's. He kicked the soles of Kevin's boots lightly and glanced over to him with a small smile. "It's okay, Kev. You're allowed to move on too, you know. It's been a year. Leaving doesn't mean you'll forget."

Kevin dropped his head against the wood tiredly, closed his eyes, and shook his head. "I wanted to be alone, Tim."

"Well, too bad. Hell, I've been telling you that since you were born, and you never listened." He dropped his feet back down and sat forward slightly, watching a squirrel climb up a tree. "Thing is, Kev, we all have to move on. Even ma. And she's done it. Jerry's done it. I've done it. You're still sitting around here, looking lost and miserable. Go. Leave. Do what you need to do. You think staying here is going to make anything any different? Change anything? Time to bury the past, little man, before it buries you."

Had he been running so fast from the past that he'd grabbed onto anything that promised a future? Was that why he'd never truly felt the bond with Kristin? He hadn't given himself time to grow the roots, always moving, always changing the field they played on, never staying in one place too long, never letting himself consider the reasons behind his actions.

When he looked at Jana that was what he saw, his roots, his past…and now, a future growing solidly inside her. Is that what scared him so desperately? He couldn't hide much of his past because she'd been there. She knew the same stories, knew the same people, had the same background. She could read his actions, sometimes his thoughts, and she could find a way inside his brain without a word and soothe him. She wrapped her arms firmly around him and held him down to a reality he wanted, but was afraid of failing at. He gave her the promises but very little else when he was pressed to produce something solid. He gave her memories with someone else as an excuse, when all he had to do was admit the truth.

There was an uncertain future ahead of them, and all he wanted was to make sure there was safe, sturdy ground beneath their feet. And there was no way possible to ensure that for them. Each time he'd gotten comfortable, his life had been up-rooted, and he didn't want Jana to scramble for the safety she deserved. It was time to stop looking out over the balcony of the Great Hall watching the fog roll in. Somewhere in that misty haze was solid ground. Somewhere in there was their future. He knew the trails better than any animal on that mountain, all he needed to do was trust himself to find the path. And he wasn't going to find it in Boston.

"Kev?" Nick asked cautiously with widened eyes.

"Sorry," Kevin said in a sigh and pushed himself up, finishing off the beer. "We were supposed to be talking about where you've been. So, where have you been?"

"Oh, no," Nick smirked with a shake of his head, "we're not switching to me." He finished his own beer and handed the bottle to Kevin.

"Why not?"

"For starters, I'm still talking to Rachel. For seconds, we're not married. And for thirds, we're not…having a baby."

"Was that hesitation, little man?" Kevin stared at him for a moment but Nick merely blinked back, expressionless. Kevin wanted to ask a lot more, but he knew there would only be a blank stare. This was Nick's poker face. There was a story, but Nick couldn't be forced into talking about anything he didn't want to talk about, and he'd be adamant in his silence. He wouldn't even change the subject, or leave the room. He'd just sit and blink at Kevin until he would change the topic, or leave in frustration. "Punk ass," Kevin muttered, cracking an understanding smile. Part of him wondered if this had anything to do with Nick needing that 'personal time' around his birthday last January, but again, if Kevin asked, he'd only get a blink in response. Hooking his elbow around Nick's neck, he briefly pulled him close. "Go call Rachel. I'll call Jana and see if she answers, okay?"

"Good night, Kev," Nick said, standing up as Kevin did. "Catch you for breakfast?"

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Epilogue

Absolute Beginners - Disclaimer | Email Coriander

Read the companion story: Birds in Your Garden
by Coridander

Oreos for Breakfast (Nick Fanfic)
by The Pumpkin Coach & Paperbag Princess

Goin' On For Years (Kevin & AJ)
by Coriander

c. 2002 by Coriander
Some content not suitable for children. You have been warned.