Absolute Beginners: Chapter 2

Page 1 | Page 2 

He stood at the foot of the steps and looked over to where Jana was watching TV. She glanced up at him, but turned back to the screen without a word. "Okay, I'm a little touchy today," he said. She turned the TV off and shifted sideways on the couch to look at him. "All right, a lot touchy. I'm sorry."

"I don't understand it, Kevin. I don't know how we can go from having a fun, playful conversation to accusations and innuendo fifteen minutes later. I don't know how to make you understand how I feel, if you're just going to get annoyed with me when I talk with you. You've been like this for the last few days…ever since Nick got arrested, and if you're angry with me for defending him, then say so."

He sat down on the bottom step and puffed his cheeks out in a long exhale. "I'm not angry with you," he said quietly. "I'm angry with me."

"About what?"

"Ever since this whole thing with Nick," he started with a shrug, "it's like I'm being reminded that I…. I don't know, haven't done enough? Haven't done the right things?"

"How have you not done enough?"

"I feel like I'm watching Nick walk the same path AJ did," he said sadly. "I know I should have done something more with AJ. I should have said something sooner…done something when all that started so long ago. Maybe if I wasn't so hard on them earlier, they would have felt more comfortable talking to me instead of dreading when I open my mouth. I don't know. I just saw that report of Nick getting arrested and all I could think was 'fuck, not again.'"

Kevin leaned his elbows on the step behind him and slouched slightly. "When I said you have power over me before, I meant that you were one of the few people who have been able to face me when I'm going off and make me listen to reason. I know I flew off the handle with Nick, which reminded me of flying off the handle with AJ, and I just keep wondering if maybe…no, I know, I could have handled both situations better. And I've been told the same thing over and over and over. Calm down, chill out, cool off, hit the showers…. I just don't pay attention."

"Have you listened to anything AJ said to you?" she asked, walking over to crouch in front of him. "Why do you insist that everything that happens is somehow in your power to change? Where was AJ's mother? I'm sure she's feeling the same way you are. What about management? The rest of the boys? Where were they? Why is it all on your shoulders, Kevin? And, again, you're going to take this the wrong way, but why do you insist on taking responsibility for their behavior, and when I ask you about yours, you don't have any answers? You love them, Kevin. I know you do, and they know you do, but you're not going to change history, or make all the bad things not happen with some magic words. And if you're concerned about Nick, tell him. If you're pissed off about me not living with you, tell me. Whatever you're pissed off about, just tell someone and stop having a tantrum about it." She sat down and leaned back against the wall on the landing. "I've seen you get angry before. You don't always have a tantrum, so you do know how to handle things when you think about it."

"I know how to handle things when I'm not so emotionally involved with who they're happening to."

"You know how to handle things when you know you can intimidate someone into doing what you want," she said plainly. "When you have a say in the matter, you can discuss it. You don't like not having control over a situation."

"No, I don't."

"No shit," she said with a hint of a smile, and a sigh. "I don't know, Kev. Shit happens. What can I say?"

"That's it?" he asked with amusement. "That's your great advice?"

"That's it." She lifted a shoulder. "The plainest truth out there. Shit happens. You get to deal with it, and you just don't deal with it well when it turns out less than perfect. And I have news for ya, buddy-boy," she pushed her hand into his knee, "I'm not going to be the one you get to take all that crap out on. And, I'm going to get this out in the open while you're pissy and grumpy and just get it over with. I'm staying with Fatima. I'm not staying with you because regardless of how great this has been, we have a long way to go, like it or not. If you don't, then we've got a problem because I'm not going to jeopardize my own feelings to make you happy. We can discuss things like adults, or you can pout by yourself. " He leaned forward, but she lifted her finger to quiet him. "And, I'm going to question things you say on occasion, like it or not. I'm going to question you about New York and Japan, like it or not. Eventually, we'll come to some kind of understanding about what happened. Right now, I'm trying to believe what you're saying, but, come on…" She tilted her head to the side. "If the situation was reversed, you'd be questioning more than a few times yourself." She lifted her shoulders. "Like it or not."

Kevin sighed deeply and leaned back against the steps, pursing his lips together and watching her for a long moment. "I said whatever it would take. And, for the record? I like it when you put me in my place." She scoffed doubtfully. "Well, I may not like it at the time, but…"

"Get used to it, Kev. I'm not going to just sit back accept everything anymore. I want answers this time around. No more disappearing, no more hiding, no more silences. I'm tired of unanswered questions and being the one left to figure out the answers on my own. Not doing it anymore. We're not love struck teenagers anymore. When I was fifteen, I had a crush on you. When I was sixteen, I thought I fell in love with you, and then I spent a good long time convincing myself I was wrong after you left. We've both moved away from home, made new friends…an entirely new life. We've both fallen in love. And I was certain before I saw you again, that I was over that little school-girl crush. And I was. Instead of that athletic football player I remembered, you walked into that studio that day." She hinted at a smile and slowly shook her head. "And you're not even close to being that guy anymore. Hopefully, you've noticed I'm not that same girl, either." He nodded, intently watching her face. "That little crush I thought I had gotten over? It festered and somehow managed to spring into life when I saw you again. But this time, it wasn't a crush. I knew better this time. I know what love is now, and you stood in front of that mirror with your hair pulled back, crouching down in position and looking so intent…" She closed her eyes, and he thought he saw tears. "I was done. I knew I was heading for trouble, and I tried to avoid it until you kissed me. I let myself fall in love. And I let myself go against my better judgment…trying so hard to deal with here and now, instead of then and there, and not ask too many questions. You fucked me over again." She looked at him pointedly. "And again, against my better judgment, I'm here with you now. No one gets this many chances with me, Kevin. No one. We're adults now, with adult feelings and adult situations. We both have careers. We both have things we need to sort out. I'm more than willing to work it all out, but you're going to have to deal with questions and, sometimes, deal with not getting your own way."

Kevin leaned forward to rest his arms on his knees and clasped his hands together. "Jana, I don't know how to answer certain questions. What happened in New York? What happened in Japan? Outside of being an ass and making a mistake, I don't have an explanation why it happened. Regardless of how many times you ask me, I'm not going to have an answer that's going to satisfy you. I made mistakes…big ones. I was a coward and just didn't want to deal with what I had to deal with - but I'm here now. I'm here and I'm working on sorting out the issues. What more do you want to hear?"

"I don't want to hear anything, Kevin," she told him, shaking her head against the wall and blinking at him sadly. "I want to believe you. And that's something you can't do. I have to let myself do it, and right now…I'm not there yet. You tell me I have some kind of power over you, and all I wanted to do was laugh in cynicism. Where was that 'power' in New York and Japan - it was the first thought I had. It's going to take some time to get over. That's all there is to it. I'm not going to believe your every word 'just because' anymore. I can't. I did that already, and we're here now. I want to love you in that way, Kevin. You're just going to have to show me that I can without getting my heart crushed afterwards. There is nothing either of us can say or do…it's just going to take time. And if we have questions or doubts, we'd better talk about them instead of pretend they don't exist because I'll tell you right now, I will never do this again with you. If you fuck me over, and I'm still dumb enough to love you, I will continue to love you - but you'll be so far blocked out of my life that I'll have a problem remembering if any of this was real."

There was a definite warning in her voice, and the stern look in her eye forced him to look away. This was the talk they'd been waiting to have. At least, this was the response he'd been waiting to get. This wasn't the polite, scared or hurt response from the other day. This was the real one - the anger and the honesty that needed to come from her. Guidelines set and there was no doubt in his mind she was more serious than he'd ever seen her. It wasn't a threat - it merely was the truth and he knew she'd be able to put into action everything she said. She'd not allow sweet talk and romance to interfere with her judgment like he'd been able to do with Kristin all those years. This was the final attempt at winning her heart and if he'd managed to get past the hurt he'd inflicted, there would be nothing that could break them apart again.

Beyond trusting her with his hopes and fears, he had to trust himself to feel them. That would be the true test.

~

"Honey, you don't look like Barbie."

"Barbie Goes to the American Music Awards?" she tried to tease, crinkling her forehead. "Are you sure?"

"Kev may have Ken's build, but I think you know better than anyone that he's anatomically correct, right? If you were Barbie, you wouldn't be able to stand up." Fatima stood up and went to stand in front of her, taking both her hands in hers and drawing them from her torso. "Baby, you look stunning."

"It's not too much?" She questioned, looking back in the mirror self-consciously. Somehow, she managed to get her dress on without messing up her make-up or hair. She'd spent two hours at the salon having her hair put into a French twist and getting her nails done - hands and feet. She'd been excited when she talked to the hairdresser, but now, standing in the most amazing dress she'd ever seen, she felt as if she was playing dress up.

It wasn't even a dress. It was a floor length, pale pink, chiffon gown. One shoulder was bare, the material gathered over her other shoulder, with a flowing length of the material drifting down her back. It was fitted to just about her hips, and then, the skirt flared slightly. She had on the highest heels she'd ever bought and found a matching small clutch purse.

Other people went to award shows. She didn't belong there. She wasn't part of that crowd. When she looked in the mirror, she felt as if she was going to the Prom all over again, feeling awkward and insecure. Except this time, instead of her parents making her stand in the front yard and pose for pictures, she was going to have flashbulbs bursting all over as she walked with…her High School Sweetheart at the American Music Awards?

Whose life is this?

"Oh, God, Fatima! What am I doing?" she sighed nervously.

"You're making a statement, baby," Fatima told her sternly. "You're going out on the town and letting your boy show you off to the world."

"I don't even remember who made this dress! What if someone asks me who I'm wearing?"

"You're wearing Kate Sutton and you are going to be your usual graceful self, Jana. You'll get out there and it'll all fall into place. You'll use that Kentucky charm you have, smile, and everyone will be asking where you've been hiding all this time. You and Kevin both have class, Honey. It's not something you can hide when it's genuine. You two make a stunning couple. You're calm and natural with each other, and when he puts his arm around you…" She stepped back and smiled broadly. "He just shines next to you."

Jana wrapped her arms around her and hugged her warmly. "Thank you," she said gratefully. "I don't know why I'm so scared all of a sudden! I was never this nervous before any show I've ever done!"

"You've never been in the spotlight," Fatima said easily. "And tonight? Kevin is taking you right into the middle of it, with everyone watching because Nick was arrested and Rachel's going to be with him. People are going to be watching. And you're going to shine."

~

Chris Kirkpatrick had seen Jana across the reception area and bounded over to her, with a wicked laugh. He took her in his arms and pretended to walk away with her, but Jana laughed and remained firmly in place besides Kevin. She gave him a reprimanding look. "Aw, man, how the heck do you Backstreet Boys always end up with the hottest women?" he teased, shaking Kevin's hand with a smile. "We saw her first, you know."

"Sorry, Chris, he's beat you on that one," Jana told him.

"Yeah, Dip," JC Chasez said, playfully hitting Chris in the back of his head, "don't you pay attention? Kev here knew her in high school."

"Damned higher education! He gets the looks and the girl?"

"Don't forget the talent," Kevin added playfully.,

"Talent?" Jana asked, looking at Kevin. "Says who? Are you forgetting I worked with them first?"

"Ah, man," Kevin scowled, leaning down slightly to pretend whisper, "don't dis me in front of the competition!"

"It's not fun to dis you in private," she laughed as Chris and JC snickered teasingly.

"So, I have the talent, then, right, Jan?" Chris beamed.

"Loser," JC nudged him. "I do."

Jana opened her arms to hug JC. "He's got talent, and skinny little hips, and good hair, too!"

"Hold up a second!" Kevin protested. "Nicky! Reinforcement here!"

Chris jumped behind JC, giggling as Nick came over. "Damn! He's bringing in the Bad Boy! Careful, man! I'm not armed!"

Nick nudged Kevin's shoulder and looked at the group. "Dawg! I leave you alone for five minutes, and look what happens! Surrounded by NStink! What's the deal?"

"It's the girl," JC said with a grin, resting his head on top of Jana's in a hug.

Nick nodded, lifting the corner of his mouth in a smirk. "Yeah, it's always the girl."

"Just no good!" Chris exclaimed. "She-Devil!"

"Chris?" Jana said sweetly. "I may work with you again."

"I'd be careful," Kevin advised. "You don't wanna get on her bad side."

Jana wrapped her arms around JC's waist and looked at Kevin and Nick. "My boys wouldn't get on my bad side. When I ask them to do something, they do it, without whining, little blond flirt."

"Dawg!" Nick exclaimed turning to Kevin. "She's dissin' us!" Kevin shrugged, looking calm. "Dude!"

"She's not dissin' us," Kevin said with a slow nod. "She's dissin' you."

"Dude!"

"Dawg, she's in public with me. S'all good."

Chris nudged Jana with a smirk. "So, is it?"

"I'm here with him, and not with y'all." The rest of the group broke out into laughter, and Kevin wrapped his arm around her, kissing the top of her head.

"This just isn't fair! I can't live up to the Backstreet Boy!" Chris teased.

"Oh, my little Keebler Elf," Jana cooed, kissing his cheek. "I love you just the way you are."

Nick snickered. "Keebler Elf?"

"Blond Flirt?" Chris answered. "And what's your nickname?" he asked Kevin.

Kevin looked down to Jana and furrowed his eyebrows. "The Sultry, Sexy One?"

"The Dark, Sultry, Sexy One," she corrected.

"Do we…" Nick squinted at her, waving a finger, "all have little nicknames?"

"Not all, no. Just the special ones, dear."

"Hey, guys, good luck," Kevin said, extending his hand to them. "We should…move along, I think."

Nick headed back over to Rachel as Kevin led Jana further inside. "That ought to make some interesting gossip," he chuckled, squeezing her hand and turning to shake someone's hand as he passed.

"Oh, I didn't think of that," she giggled. "I forgot y'all are supposed to be enemies."

Page 1 | Page 2 

(Chapter added 1/24/03)

Email Feedback to Coriander

Read the companion story: Birds in Your Garden
by Coriander

Oreos for Breakfast (Nick Fanfic)
by The Pumpkin Coach & Paperbag Princess

c. 2003 by Coriander
Some content not suitable for children. You have been warned.