"I swear to you, I married Fred Flintstone." Jana stood in the doorway, looking into the nursery finding Kevin in the middle of the room in jeans and stained tee shirt looking over sheets of paper, and surrounded by pieces of wood. "I leave you for eight hours, and you manage to make the room a complete shambles."

"Hi, darlin!" he said with a smile, looking up.

"That's it?" she laughed in shock. "Hi, darlin'? What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm making It's crib," he answered, stretching a hand out to her. "See?"

She stepped over pieces of wood and tools to stand next to him and look over his shoulder. "And you expect me to put our baby in it?" she asked. "Is it going to be safe?"

"It may not look like it now, but yes, I know what I'm doing."

"You're sure?"

He sat back on his heels and looked up at her. "I know what I'm doing," he said more firmly. "And it'll be perfectly fine."

"A man of many talents, my Fred Flintstone." She patted his head and leaned over to kiss him quickly.

"How was your day?"

"I should have been pregnant all along," she giggled, moving to sit in the chair in the corner. "You're not going to make a lot of mess in here are you? After we painted and everything?"

"Look who you're talking to, Jan. It will be immaculate by the time Pod is born. And why should you have been pregnant all along?"

"Special treatment!" She smiled brightly. "I don't have half as many whining divas as I normally do. It's been bliss…except for when I think I can actually show them the moves myself and have a belly in my way. We apparently make big babies, dear."

"Jan? I'm 6'1," he chuckled. "We're not gonna make small babies."

"Kev? I'm 5'5. We don't need to give birth to them at full size."

"Well, okay, I'll give you that." He slid across the floor and lifted one of her feet, slipping her sneaker off and started to massage. She moaned in pleasure and dropped her head back against the chair. "Oh, you hate this. I should stop, eh?"

"I may marry you." She lifted her head and looked at him with a smirk. "Oh, wait, I already did."

"How about giving me my first born child?"

"Piece of cake!" she giggled, dropping her head back again and closing her eyes. "How'd it go in the studio today?"

"Fine," he answered easily. "We've got a few more tracks picked out, and Jermaine thinks he can do some really dope stuff with them."

"Fred Flintstone turns home-boy?" she said with a hint of a smile, seeming to melt into the chair as he worked.

"Abuse, man! I'm getting abuse!" he whined playfully. "I don't see you all day, and you're just abusin' me!"

"Oh, baby, don't feel picked on," she pouted down to him. "I picked on everyone today."

"I thought they were all well behaved?"

"They were. That doesn't mean I didn't pick on them. There's this one guy…Tony, who thinks that he's God's gift to dance. He reminds me so much of this one guy I went to academy with. He was top of his class, he won all sorts of awards, and just sits there looking at everyone else like they're idiots because they don't get the step in the first go. Then, you pull him up and he doesn't even give me half a try. He's lazy because he can do it…and it just irks me because he could probably be on any tour he wants if he'd get over himself and just break a sweat. So, I did my best to make him do just that. Wouldn't accept anything he did unless it was with some kind of 'umph' behind it. He glared at me all day, but by the time I let them go, he was so pissed off, I had him doing everything." She snapped rapidly. "Man, he's gonna hurt tomorrow."

"How much longer you planning on working?"

Letting him slip her other shoe off, she shrugged. "Until I can't anymore I guess. The doctor says staying in shape is good and will help with the labor. I'm not over doing it." He stopped massaging and she opened her eyes to see him looking doubtfully at her. "What? I'm not."

"Well, your idea of over doing it is generally different from the rest of the world's idea of over doing it."

"Says the Master of Perfectionism," she grumbled with a sigh as he started massaging her foot again. "Did you know that Simon LeBon was giving his wife a foot massage just before she went into labor? Em told me that."

"So I should stop?" He pulled his hands back quickly.

"No," she said, nudging him with her toe, "it might be some good trivia to know when the Pod won't come out later on though. They also say sex can bring on labor too."

"Oh, that's just what I wanted to hear!" he laughed. "Like I'm not already intimidated enough?"

"We're allowed to keep having sex as long as we want, you know." She peered at him through one eye.

"I know," he said quickly, suddenly concentrating on her foot.

"Kev?"

"Yeah?"

"Let's go have sex."

"Now?" he asked, crinkling his forehead.

"Why not?"

He looked around the room at the disarray of tools and lumber. "I was kind of hoping to get some of this done tonight."

"Oh." She pulled her foot back gently and leaned over slightly. "Is it really that important?"

"Well, with everything going on in the studio, I don't know when I'll have time to really make sure I can get it done."

"Oh, okay," she said, sounding disappointed.

He leaned up on his knees and kissed her quickly. "I love you, though."

"You'd better," she said, forcing a smile. "Your pod is destroying my body and my sex life."

~

"You don't want to press too hard on it, Kev, let it do the work for you…that's the way…"

Kevin turned the sander off and sat back, realizing he'd just caught and held his breath before looking over his shoulder for the source of the voice. He wasn't going to find it, and he knew that, but he looked nonetheless and felt tears come to his eyes when he didn't.

He closed his eyes, dropping his head slightly, and mouthed the words in response. 'I know, dad.'

The house was silent except for the sound of the air conditioning fan coming through the window. The door to the nursery was closed to keep the dust in, and a plastic tarp was also hung over the doorway on the hall side to be sure. He'd opened the window a few hours ago, letting some of the dust escape that way. Besides, it wasn't that warm out this evening. A cooling rain had fallen in the early evening…and now, he wasn't even sure what time it was. By the silence outside, he assumed it was late.

He also figured it was late because that was definitely his father's voice, and he only heard it so clearly when he was tired and intent and doing something his father had taught him. Sometimes, when he was tossing the football around with his brothers in the yard during a break, he could hear him laughing from the sidelines, calling out encouragement on a particularly good pass. Nice and easy…nice and easy, Kev!

He bit his lips together and tightened his eyes. 'No, Kev…don't go here. Please don't go here now…' he murmured. But it was too late. There it was, the memories replaying like the old home movies he had stored in the entertainment room. Tossing a football, tousling his hair with an arm hooked around his neck proudly, dropping a handful of autumn leaves over his head as Kevin raked the yard, his hands on Kevin's shoulders as he leaned over the kitchen table to blow out the birthday candles, letting Kevin sit on his shoulder as they clapped at the St. Patrick's day parade, running and clapping along the sidelines as he played for the Jr. High football team, a glass of milk and extra thick slice of cake appearing in front of him as he sat studying for a test with a sly wink and smile, jumping to his feet in the bleachers as Kevin made a pass in his Engineers uniform.

'Stop there…please, stop there…' He willed himself silently, but he knew better than that as well. It would never stop there. It would only move to slow motion, dragging it all out. The trees still flush and green as they walked slowly along a gravel path. Silent. Taking in the sweet scent of the air around them and hearing the birds in the branches above them. His father's hair seeming to become more gray with each slow step, knowing each step was leading him through the last walk he'd ever take on the mountain he'd adored.

'Please, stop there,' Kevin mouthed silently, and he opened his eyes as if that would somehow end it. But he knew better in that regard as well. He didn't need to close his eyes to see it. It was going to finish playing through his mind regardless. Sleep would only bring it to him in Dolby surround sound. At least with his eyes open it wasn't as vivid. He'd only mouth the words, not have complete conversations that made him wake up and feel as if he'd just lost his father for the first time.

Sitting in the front room, looking out the back window over the valley he was too weak to explore any longer, unable to walk from the bedroom to the chair without help anymore. Walking into the room and not seeing him in the chair, too weak to even want the help to sit anymore. Painkillers that made his eyes hazy and the rims red, but when Kevin would sit with him, he'd look down to his father's hands on the bed and still be able to recognize the strength they once held. He'd still see the weathered skin, knuckles scarred from hard work.

'Don't reach out…' Kevin begged his memory to change and closed his eyes again without even noticing. He was too busy seeing the fingers slide across the patchwork quilt to grasp Kevin's wrist. They may have looked strong and weathered, but the strength was no longer there, and he could feel the cold clamminess of his father's fingertips on the underside of his wrist.

'I will, dad.' He replied before he could see his father's lips moving silently in his memory. 'We won't let you down…we'll take care of mom…each other…we'll make you proud…' Even in his mind, retracing it all, the ability to say everything he wanted, the words wouldn't come.

'Just say it!' he chastised. 'Let me say it.'

He fluttered his eyes open, blinking back the tears and dropped his head into his hands, resting his elbows on his knees as he settled cross-legged in front of the cradle.

You waiting around to knock her up?

'I didn't have to wait around,' he answered silently. 'And it happened anyway. But I'm more prepared for it. I'm ready for it, Dad. This time, I'm ready for it to happen.'

You're a man now, Kevin.

'Why don't I feel like one?' He had wanted to ask him that question, but didn't, thinking it might be more comforting for his father to pass away thinking he was finished raising his children. Thinking he wasn't needed any longer. 'But you were wrong. I do need you. I still needed you.' He mouthed the words, clutching his eyes tight, wishing he'd hear him. 'I still need you now.'

His mother came out of the room, leaning her head on Jerry's chest in tears. The hallway was bright. One of the nurses wore a pink sweater. He stared at the spot where a button was missing, forcing his mind to focus on something other than where he was and what they were doing. Tim stood up and wrapped his arms around his mother. Jerry had relinquished his hold on her so she could rest against Tim now, and Kevin watched her hands come around Tim's waist, holding a wrinkled, crumpled tissue in her fingers. 'Stand up, Kev…stand up…stop blinking at her…stand up… '

Why did this have to be in slow motion? Why did every detail have to be drawn out?

He could feel his knees shaking under his weight. He couldn't even manage to lift his eyes to look at any of them, but he could hear his mother's muffled cries against Tim's shoulder. ' Just one step, Kev…just one step…' he told himself.

But he didn't make it. Each attempt to do so made him feel like his feet had been stuck on chewing gum, sticky and elastic, pulling him back into the same spot. And then everything around him was blurry until he felt someone's arm around his shoulders. He'd expected it to be Tim, but when he glanced over, Tim was still holding his mother…leaving Jerry to be the one supporting him. 'You promised him…you promised…we're supposed to take care of mom…not me…you promised…suck it up, Kev…suck it up,' he argued to himself.

But his attempts to straighten his shoulders and pull away weren't working, and it slowly dawned on him that it wasn't because he couldn't. Jerry wouldn't let go. It wasn't his ragged breath he heard, it was Jerry's, and his brain seemed to shut down. He was prepared for his mother. He wasn't prepared for his oldest, stoic brother to break down and cry.

He had expected the usual, mind numbing ramblings of 'his job was done on earth, 'he'd been called, 'he's in a better place' to come out of Jerry's mouth. After that, Jerry had become teary once or twice, but he'd never lost it again. After that, he'd become the family patriarch and mother-henned the rest of them, and Tim had been the one to handle Kevin when he'd had his break down.

'I tried to be strong…I tried to hold it together…I'm still trying,' he said mentally to the air around him, lifting his head and looking around with tears in his eyes. He exhaled sharply and bit the inside of his cheek. "Go to bed, Kevin," he told himself out loud, desperately trying to break the surreal spell of the air around him.

His legs were shaking once he'd pulled himself up off the floor to do the safety checks on the tools as he'd been taught before turning off the light. He couldn't look back over his shoulder, partly for fear that his mind would play more tricks on him and he'd actually see his father in the shadows.

When he'd crossed the hall and sat on the side of the bed, looking down to Jana sleeping with the bedside light still on, he only felt more tears in his eyes. Last time this had happened, he'd remembered the funeral. He couldn't talk about it with her, and waking her up to hold her wouldn't be fair. He considered staying there to watch her sleep, but the longer he sat, the more tears he felt welling up, and he wasn't going to make it without bursting into sobs. Instead, he made his way back out of the room and headed downstairs to sit in the living room, giving in briefly to the tears as he stared at the ceiling.

Awhile later, he was listening to a phone ringing in his ear, not even considering what time it was. He just needed to hear his voice. A muffled, sleepy 'hello' greeted him, and he knew he was too emotional when more tears came to his eyes. "Tim? It's Kev."

"What-up?" Tim asked quietly.

"Nothing. Never mind. You were sleeping."

"Kev?" Tim's voice was still groggy, but somehow he sounded more awake. "What?"

"It's nothing," he said, his voice sounding shaky. "I don't know…I just…" Yeah, Kev…what? You just what?

"Kevin…what's on your mind?" Now there was concern in Tim's voice, and Kevin definitely hadn't meant to cause any concern.

"I don't know," he blurted out, his eyes widening as he said it. "Everything is going okay, but I just… I miss Dad." Damn it! Stop your voice from breaking like that! What the hell? "I was upstairs making the cradle and suddenly…it was like…I just thought of something he said and I can't stop thinking." He clenched his eyes shut, forcing the tears to back as he chastised himself. "I'm sorry…I'll…"

"Kev," Tim interrupted, all sleepiness gone from his voice and replaced with understanding, "have you noticed today's date?" Kevin got up and went over to the desk in the corner. He flicked on the desk lamp and flipped though the agenda, feeling his breath catch in his throat again. "We picked you up at the airport," Tim continued, listening the silence that greeted him. "Today was the day you moved back home from Florida."

"How…I didn't even know it was…" Kevin sputtered, trying to force his brain from scrambling over that memory now.

"Makes sense, though, doesn't it?" Tim asked gently. "And Kev…" He paused briefly. "I miss him, too." Kevin could only mutter a low 'fuck' in return, knowing there was no going back. The tears had started again, and he couldn't make them stop if he tried. If he was lucky, he'd be able to keep Tim from hearing him. "You're giving him another grandbaby he wanted to meet," Tim continued. "You're up there making a cradle for your kid, Kev. It's your turn to be a dad. Of course you're going to think about him."

"He never let me say I was sorry," Kevin said, barely audible as he looked at the shadows cast from the desk lamp around the room.

"You still haven't figured that out?" Tim questioned. "Because you didn't have to, man. Hell, he knew that before you made it over the state line. Stop trying so hard, Kev. He was proud of you. He was proud of you when you said your first word. He was proud of you when you made your first step… We could go through every single accomplishment you've ever had. He was proud of you because you were a good kid, you did the right things, your heart was always in the right place… You never had to impress him. You did that when you were born. Everything else was just icing on the cake." Tim waited for a moment and took a breath. "I'm not helping, am I?"

"I just…why'd he have to miss all this?"

"Who says he is?" Tim chuckled lightly. "He's got the best view in the house, Kev! And he's still telling you how to do things, isn't he? You were up there, and he was still telling you how to use the dang tools, wasn't he?" This time Kevin chuckled into the receiver. "See? He's not missing a thing. Just try not to think about that when you're having sex. Ruins everything." Now Kevin laughed outright. "Go to bed, Kevin, okay?" Tim told him.

"Yeah…"

"And Kev? For what it's worth, we all pretty much feel the same way he did about you."

"Now," Kevin sighed into the receiver, "you're gonna set me off again, dang it!"

"Get some sleep, little bro. I'll check in tomorrow."

"Thanks."

"And I'm saying this and hanging up…love you, man."

True to his word, the phone went dead, which was good because it was enough to bring more tears into Kevin's eyes. He placed the receiver down and flicked off the light, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "Enough of this," he whispered to himself. "Go to sleep."

He managed to occupy his thoughts with locking up for the night and getting ready for bed, but as soon as he was in the dark, they were back, waiting for him as he put his head on the pillow.

"Kev? I think you need to get royally fucked up," Jimmy said decisively.

And he had. All his friends had met them out at the club and he didn't even remember leaving. Now, he was looking out the window during the short flight to Lexington. There were landmarks he should know if his head weren't so fuzzy. But no amount of aspirin could break through the headache he had. He knew going out last night wasn't aiding it any, but he was sure it wasn't the only cause. 'What're you going to say to him? Is he going to look thin? Pale? Weak? Are you going to burst into tears when you see him?'

Because that's what he felt like doing.

His eyes looked at Tim and his father as he approached them. Tim took Kevin's flight case after a quick hug, and then he had to really look at his father…and he looked fine. Tired, but he looked fine. His eyes weren't as bright, and his skin didn't have its usual pallor, but that could just be that he needed some rest. He wasn't going to die.

"Well, all my boys are home now," Jerald said proudly, clasping a hand on Kevin's shoulder as they headed to the car. "We've missed you."

'Not half as much as I miss you.' Kevin rolled away from Jana onto his back and bit his lips. 'Not even close,' he mouthed to the ceiling. 'Please just go to sleep, Kev,' he begged silently.

'Just go to sleep…' But he wasn't used to the sounds anymore, and he found himself keenly aware of any movement in the house. The tree frogs seemed to be screaming on his windowsill, and even the tree branches sounded as if they were raking directly over his forehead. Was that someone up? Did the floorboard just creak? He seemed hypersensitive to everything, but couldn't figure out what it was he was listening for. What does death sound like anyway? Was it something you could even hear? Sense?

"Stop sighing," Tim said in the darkness.

"Can't sleep."

"Well, don't sleep, but do it without sighing."

"I didn't know I was. I'm not used to having a roommate anymore." He heard Tim roll over, sighing himself. "Last time I shared a room with someone, we weren't sleeping and they didn't snore."

"That's not sharin' a room, buddy. That's sharin' the sheets," Tim laughed quietly.

"Sheets?" Kevin asked, finally sitting up on the mattress and hugging his legs. "You bother with sheets?"

"I don't need to know the details, Kev," Tim said, dryly teasing. "You're still my little brother."

Kevin grunted slightly and lay back down, staring up to the ceiling. He could hear Tim shift again, trying to get comfortable as Kevin just folded his hands behind his head. "He doesn't look that bad," he said solemnly a few minutes later.

Tim didn't answer immediately. "I know."

"So…"

"So…what?"

"There's a chance he may not be dying then, right? I mean, have they gone to the specialists? Are they sure? Can't it just go into remission or something? Who says…"

Tim sat up and Kevin could see him looking over towards his twin bed in corner. "Kev, do I look like dad? I don't know," he said firmly. "I don't know how much he's covering up, or how much he's hiding. I don't know how much pain he's in. Only ma knows that and he's probably not even letting her know. All I know is exactly what he's told you…and all I know about that is that it's probably the same thing he's told me and Jer. I don't like it or understand it either."

"I didn't mean…"

"I know," Tim interrupted, dropping back down onto his bed, "but this is dad. He's never been one to sugar coat anything and he's always prepared us for the worst. Maybe that's all he's doing right now and we'll have a lot more time than we think. But he's making us come to terms with it now because that's what dad does."

"I just…"

"I liked it better when you were trying to brag about your sex life," Tim interrupted again, but his voice was less firm. It was a tone Kevin had never quite heard before, and that only un-nerved him more. There had never been anything Kevin couldn't talk to him about. Then again, they'd never had to talk about cancer or their father having it.

"I wasn't bragging," Kevin answered quickly, sounding very much like the youngest baby brother.

"I still don't want to know the details," Tim replied, a playfulness returning to his voice. Kevin found himself sighing again. "Would you knock it off?"

"I didn't mean to! I can't sleep. It's too quiet, dang it. I feel like I'm falling out of the bed, and the dang tree frogs need to be shot."

"Spoken like a true environmentalist."

"Yeah, well, things change. I haven't been home since…" Since I stormed off with dad yelling after me.

"So, what're going to do now that you're home? You gonna see Jana?" Tim teased.

Kevin turned his head to look at her sleeping beside him now. There was enough light coming through the windows to make out the curve of her nose that he found so cute, her curling lashes, and the slight pout of her lips. He'd wanted to, but as he'd lain in the pitch darkness of their bedroom with Tim that night, he'd known he wasn't going to. How fair would that have been? 'Sorry I bolted, but I'm back now. Oh, and my dad is dying. Wanna catch a movie?' No, he'd decided against that right then and there in spite of the skipped heartbeat when Tim mentioned her name.

Instead he'd hung around for a few days, went for walks in the wood, did some maintenance around the campground with Jerry and Tim and forced himself to feel like everything was normal; like he was just home for a visit, although with each passing day, he'd had to deny his father's sickly appearance more and more.

Once the weekend came, he'd driven into Lexington to visit Keith at UK. He'd known he could get away from everything and just kick back some if he got away and just had some time to not be faced with everything. But even then, he couldn't seem to do it. He'd managed for awhile. He'd hung out with Keith and his friends on campus and he'd been to a few of the college bars. He'd even picked up a girl on the dance floor and ended up on the sidewalk making out for awhile before she left with her girlfriends.

By the time they got back to the dorm room, he'd been drunk and Keith had turned serious. It was a lethal combination. Kevin preferred to talk about the girl, Florida, the weather…anything at all except for the topic he'd tried to escape from. But Keith still knew Kevin better than anyone else and sat on the dorm cot across from him with his chin in his hands.

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Absolute Beginners - Disclaimer | Email Coriander

Read the companion story: Birds in Your Garden
by Coridander

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by The Pumpkin Coach & Paperbag Princess

Goin' On For Years (Kevin & AJ)
by Coriander

c. 2002 by Coriander
Some content not suitable for children. You have been warned.