"This is just totally and completely…" Jana started as she dropped another sweater into the suitcase on her bed.

"Spontaneous and romantic," Leslie interrupted, dropping a baggie of toiletries in the suitcase. "Didn't you think it was odd that you didn't get scheduled this week?" she asked sitting next to the suitcase and watching Jana stare in her closet.

"Well, yeah, and I had a total fit about it too," she said, looking back at her. "Rich did nothing but clench his teeth, which made me certain I would never see my name on another schedule and all the time, you had everyone and their brother in on this."

Leslie dropped back against the mattress with a proud grin. "I told you I wasn't ready to give up on him," she told her. "Once he called and told me, I knew I was doing the right thing."

Jana dropped another sweater in the suitcase and playfully smacked Leslie's knee. "You're supposed to be on my side, remember?"

"Yeah, and I heard you kicking and screaming in protest this morning too," Leslie said knowingly, watching Jana blush. "Yeah, I thought so. Enough with the sweaters, Jana! You're going to a cabin in the snow with your boyfriend. Lingerie? Bathing suit?"

"Bathing suit?" Jana asked. "We're going skiing."

"There's a hot tub," Kevin said coming into the room from his shower, "but you can forget the bathing suit." He wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her neck. "Just finish packing. Our flight leaves in three hours."

"Yeah, thanks for the extended warning too, by the way," she teased.

"Will you…" Kevin said to Leslie, pointing to Jana as he stepped over to his suitcase.

"I've been trying for years, Kevin," Leslie answered. "She doesn't like surprises. She always has to make it known that she doesn't like it."

"Well, darlin'," he said, slipping a pair of jeans on beneath the towel around his waist, "make it known, but do it packing."

Jana flipped the suitcase closed and zipped it, folding her arms. "Well, what's keeping you?"

"I know what's keeping me!" Leslie teased with widened eyes. "Hoo-boy! What other tricks do you do with a towel, babycakes?"

~

Jana's mouth dropped open as she walked down from the foyer into the living room. A fire was already lit, and she slowly turned around the room in awe. Everything was done in a winter white in the living room, where two large, overstuffed couches centered around a heavy light oak table over hardwood floors and light throw rugs. One entire wall was glass overlooking the mountains. In the room adjacent to the living room was a warmly lit, all-wood dining room, attached to an open stone slate floored kitchen. Steps led up to the bedrooms, which opened off a hallway that had been left open to overlook the living room. She was amazed, still turning around to take in all the cozy details around her as Kevin made his way up the steps to the bedroom.

"You call this a cabin?" she called up to him.

He came out of the room with a grin and started back down the steps. "It'll do," he replied easily. "You complaining?"

"No," she said quickly, shaking her head, "just a lot bigger than I was expecting."

"Not cozy enough?"

"Didn't say that either," she said, moving over to sit on one of the couches, looking out at the view. "Just not what I pictured as a cabin in the mountains."

"Well, you want the tour?"

"Maybe later," she said, curling her legs up beneath her. Now that the whirlwind of travel and the excitement of New Years was wearing off, she felt unusually nervous being alone with him and pretending like nothing had happened. As usual, he didn't seem to be reacting any differently than his calm, casual self, but he sat on the couch across from her and slid out of his coat.

"Hungry?" he asked. "I'm sure the kitchen is stocked." She shook her head again. "Tired?"

"I think so," she said, not wanting to sound as hopeful as she felt inside. She didn't want this to be awkward now that she had precisely what she had been whining about: Kevin was back and hers.

"Or, do you just want to talk about what's on your mind?" He slipped his hands into the front pockets of his jeans and stretched his legs out as she inhaled deeply and bit her bottom lip. "Jana, why do you think I wanted to come here so fast?" he asked, crossing his ankles. "I don't expect to slide back in like nothing happened, and I think we need to finish that conversation we started in Japan to see where we stand."

She looked at him, nodding slowly. "What do you want to say?"

"I think it should be more about what you want to say, shouldn't it?" he asked, shifting on the cushions to sit forward and rest his elbows on his knees. "Because I need to know what you're thinking to fix it."

"What went wrong was you sleeping with Kristin to comfort her and you kissing Em because she was in front of you," Jana replied without thought. She closed her eyes briefly and bit her lips together. "Sorry, I didn't mean that to sound so harsh." She lifted a hand up to him apologetically. "I think I'm just a little overwhelmed by everything. Two days ago, I expected to see you in some new video, not in person halfway across the country. Hell, two days ago, all I knew was that you were in London."

"Rachel?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah, she told me," she answered with a nod. "We've spent some time together over the holidays. Well…one night watching old Backstreet stuff." He pulled his head back slightly and lifted his eyebrows. "Compliments of Leslie. You have some really cringe-worthy back catalogue there, Kev."

"Some," he admitted with a tilt of his head.

"But the worst part about it," she said, shifting her feet and leaning against the arm of the couch a bit more nervously, "was seeing the really early stuff. Like, there was this video of y'all heading out somewhere for an audition for some label in…New York? I think it was New York. But y'all weren't even signed yet and there you were, Kev. And Rachel and Leslie were laughing at how young all of you were and when I looked at the screen it was like suddenly my blank memory was filled in on video. All those things I imagined you doing all that time…the blanks were filled in. And God, Kev…it was you. And looking at it now, after everything that happened, seeing you then and knowing you now and just feeling so…" She turned her head towards the fire, watching the flames shoot up the flume.

"So, what, Jana?"

"Angry," she answered, turning to look at him directly. "Angry because there you were on my TV. The first time I lost you, and then seeing it after the second time I lost you. Seeing you in flashes and flickers, being so cordial and polite, teasing the other guys and flirting with presenters. And knowing it's not entirely an act for the camera. Knowing that's Kevin's public face, but not the full deal. Not the whole thing and knowing that because, damn it, I know you. I know who you were, and I know who you are, and I lost both of you!" She felt the unexpected tears swell in her eyes, and turned back to the fire, clenching her hands into fists in frustration. "And I'm not crying because I'm sad," she clarified quickly. "I'm angry. I'm angry that I had to lose twice, and then you show back up, and I don't know if I should even be here, to be honest." She looked sideways at him and back to the fire again. "I don't want to get suckered in only to lose out again. And I don't know if I should even trust you when you say the baby isn't yours, or that Kristin is gone, or that whatever Em was is finished, or whatever. I don't know if I want to trust my feelings about you because every time I do, I seem to be left pining away for you, and you go on to have everything you ever wanted, Kevin." She turned her head and looked at him, shaking it slowly for a moment. "And all I seem to have ever wanted was you."

He opened his mouth to answer, but she held up her hand to quiet him, turning her head away and wiping a tear from her chin. "And I know that that's all bullshit because I've been happy for the past twelve years doing what I do. I've had good relationships, and I've worked at having my own career, but it scares me to death that when you're in front of me, the only thing I can concentrate on is having lost you, and feeling like virtually everything else I've done is meaningless. Because it's not. I know it's not. But when I see you?" She bit the sides of her tongue for a moment, blinking the tears out of her eyes. "When I see you, I feel like nothing else matters and I'm pissed at myself for getting so wrapped up in you so quickly, and so easily. And I'm scared that I let myself get wrapped up in you so quickly and so easily because I should be stronger than this." She punched the arm of the couch lightly and shook her head. "I need to be stronger than this, but every time you're next to me, it's all I want to know. I knew this when this whole thing started back in August, and tried so hard to not give in to it, and I did anyway. So more than being pissed at you, I'm pissed at myself. And here I am again…" Her palm swept across the room as she sighed. "Here I am again, letting it happen again, and I am fucking petrified that I'm letting myself open to it all again. It's not surprises I hate, Kevin. It's the fact that I let myself love you in spite of myself.

"And, for the record, it has nothing to do with the fact that you're a Backstreet Boy, or that you're famous in any way, or how god-damn attractive you are. It's got everything to do with how you look at me, and how you hold me. It's in your voice when you talk to me. It's in the way you watch me when I talk, catching every word I say, and how you smile when I get excited about some dance step I nailed, or some parking ticket I got. It's because you see me, and listen to the things that are important to me, and I want to believe that you do." She looked at him directly, forcing herself to hold his gaze to make her point. Just like she'd said, he was watching her, his eyes intently studying her face. "I want to believe you care as much I think you do when I look in your eyes. And just when I think I do…Kristin is pregnant, and Em is on the doorstep with your lips attached to her. And I wonder if you look at them the same way. If you understand, and see them, like you do me. And if you do, what makes me so special? And if I was so special, why do I keep ending up in this position of feeling like I love you a hell of a lot more than you think you love me."

It was her turn to study the expression behind his eyes and wonder what he was thinking. She could see that he had listened to her, and perhaps, finally heard what she had been trying to say. He leaned back with a heavy sigh into the cushions and slowly exhaled. "I don't know how to show you I'm sorry, Jana," he said slowly, as if he was thinking of each word before they came out. "I can't take back what I did or make you believe something you don't feel. But I can tell you that I do love you. And I don't think you understand how much because I've screwed things up so bad. But Jana…" He sat forward. "While all of this was goin' on, it wasn't Kristin or Em that I worried about." She dropped her chin slightly in doubt. "It wasn't, Jan. All I could think about was how much all this screwed things up for us. All I could think about was how to get it right, and if you talk to anybody…Kristin, Em, Tim, anyone…they'll say the same thing. It was all about you."

"Why did it even have to happen in the first place? That's what I don't understand! If everything was so great, what the hell happened, Kevin?"

He dropped back again, placing his hands on either side of his head with a sigh. "I screwed up, Jana," he said emphatically. "I got confused. Between the lectures from my family, and listening to Kristin, hearing about the publicity I would cause, how I changed my mind so many times before…" He dropped his hands to either side of him on the cushions. "I didn't want to hurt anyone, Jana. And all I kept doing was hurting everyone. You, me, Kristin, my family, your family, her family, and then she tells me there's a baby, and I'd end up hurting it, too? Em was there and she wasn't involved in any of it. At least, she wasn't until I kissed her." He tilted his head slightly and lifted a shoulder. "I just got tired of being the one that was screwing up everyone's life…and then it all came crashing down when I saw that look on your face. It just all came crashin' down. You were gone. Kristin was making me stay, and in spite of it looking like I had everything I wanted, by the time it happened, it is what I still want, but with the wrong person. And everything I'd said I wanted meant nothing."

He leaned forward, glancing down to the tip of his boots briefly before clasping his hands in front of him again and looking up to her. "I didn't go to England for Em. I went to England to get away from everyone, and get my head on. I had a heart to heart with her husband, of all people, and he asked me what the hell I was doing in England when you were in New York if you were what I wanted. I left the next day because he just asked the right question. How could I convince you how serious I am about this if I couldn't show you." He opened his palms and shrugged. "So, I'm going to try to show you any way I can that I am serious. And I don't expect everything to come together and be forgotten like we pretended last night."

"It wasn't totally pretending," she said, resting her cheek in her palm as she leaned her elbow on the arm of the couch. "I mean, just you showing up told me something changed. You were supposed to be a father in a few months, and I knew you wouldn't leave that situation."

"Honestly?" he started. "I was close to walking out. It was neater this way, with her walking out, but I was seriously thinking about it."

"You wouldn't have," she told him quietly. "You may have tried, but you'd have gone back. If that was your child, you'd have gone back eventually to be in its life. That's kind of why I'm a bit skeptical of what's happening now. What if Kristin was wrong? What if it is yours?"

"Well, according to the tests we took, there's no chance."

"That's not my point." She closed her eyes and turned back to the fire with a shake of her head. "I don't want to question for the rest of my life, Kevin. I don't want to have to second-guess someone else in your life. I'm petrified of all this happening over and over. If it's already happened in the short time we've been together, what happens down the road? What happens when you get bored of waking up to the same person? What happens when you're on the road and I can't be there? How can I trust this? When there's nothing anyone can do to prove anything? There's no proof of trust once it's broken, is there?" She looked at him. "I'm not Kristin, Kevin. I'm not doing this over, and over, and over again. I'm not going to be your doormat, or some kind of weird security blanket you come back to once you figure out there's nothing better out there for you, or you get bored, or whatever else…."

"Oh, God, Jana," he sighed sadly, rubbing his forehead with his fingers. "That's not…" He exhaled deeply and slouched back into the couch. "That's not what's going to happen."

"Because it's not happened in the past, right?" she asked cynically. "What's the cliché? Actions speak louder than words? You have a reputation, Kevin. It's not all Kristin tricking you."

"I had a reputation," he pointed out. "And when I had that reputation, I was a hell of a lot younger and a hell of a lot stupider. Things have changed since then." She lifted an eyebrow at him doubtfully. "Jan," he tried, closing his eyes briefly. "Things have changed," he said plainly. "I'm not twenty-something anymore. I know there are consequences to actions. This is not what I want. Think about it...yeah, I was with Kristin and kissed Em, but they were people I have a history with, a relationship with. It wasn't some no-name face from the audience." He rubbed the top of his head briskly and dropped it back again. "I don't know how to convince you, Jana." He dropped his hands to his side heavily. "I don't know what else to say other than I'm here to make it work this time. I know I hurt you. I know I screwed things up but, please…don't give up on this yet. Doesn't it mean anything that we're here? Doesn't it mean something that we're sitting here trying to find our way to something together?"

"It either means something, or it means you have guts to show your face and I'm fucking stupid to consider it," she answered. "But I do know you, Kevin. And I really want to believe that look in your eyes. I really do, but can you blame me? Can you really blame me for being hesitant about another chance?"

He could only shake his head, watching her and knowing she was right. He knew he was asking her to trust him beyond what he'd shown he was capable of to this point. He wanted to take her hand and put it against his chest so she could feel it beating, possibly feel how honest he was being. It wouldn't matter if he did. There was nothing he could do...outside of show her over time, if she'd allow it. He just needed that chance to really show her he was sincere this time.

She dropped her head back heavily for a moment and turned back to the fire for a long while. Neither of them said anything, not knowing what more to say. Slowly, she stood up and stretched her hand out to him. He stood up and took it, letting her pull him closer to wrap his arm around her waist as she stared at the fire. Her weight shifted against him as she rested her head back against his shoulder with a deep breath. "Don't fuck this up, Kevin," she said, still watching the fire.

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Absolute Beginners - Disclaimer | Email Coriander

Read the companion story: Birds in Your Garden
by Coriander

Oreos for Breakfast (Nick Fanfic)
by The Pumpkin Coach & Paperbag Princess

c. 2003 by Coriander
Some content not suitable for children. You have been warned.