Birds In Your Garden: Chapter 6
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He dreaded getting up on the stage and had very little motivation to do something as menial as dance and sing. Being interviewed on MTV Canada had left his stomach churning. It just seemed wrong to sit there with noisemakers and party hats to celebrate when everything else in the world seemed to have stopped. Life goes on, yes, but there was a line between celebrating and carrying on. He understood the marketing and the repercussions of Canada postponing the launch of their own MTV, but it still didn't feel right.

Arriving at the venue just didn't have the same boost of excitement. None of the boys seemed to be in very high spirits, and the van drive was eerily sedate between them all. The stage, the lighting, the rigging…it was, of course, all in place, but even in the arena, it somehow didn't have the same drive or energy. It had to continue. They couldn't disappoint a sold out arena. It just couldn't happen, and they all realized they had to be professionals in the situation, but it was hard. He knew they'd over perform, if anything, just trying to boost each other. It had happened before, but nothing ever to this scale. They'd be professionals and they'd manage, he had no doubts.

It felt a little better to bringing the crew and dancers onto the stage for a moment of silence. They wanted to show their respects as well and they deserved, more than anything, they deserved to be seen by the audience so they could know just how much of a production goes on outside of the five of them being adored. He had always been aware that they weren't the only ones working around the clock, but it never seemed to be acknowledged just how much got done before or after a gig. Now was their time to show that appreciation and that respect.

It was still fairly somber backstage, and the prayer was more intense; asking for a good show felt selfish when he knew how much pain others were in. They moved into positions and waited, listening to the video track run its course. Howie had his head bowed and AJ was humming between comments to Nick. Brian, he was certain, was saying a few more additional prayers, and Nick was babbling back to AJ. Then it was time and once they were brought up onto the stage, it all fell into place.

He had the best job some days. He may not be saving the world, but when he fell into step, saluting the audience with the others, listening the frenzy of the crowd, they realized just what they needed to do. It wasn't about singing and dancing. These people were here to be entertained and looking to them to take their minds off of the rest of the world. It wasn't their job to fix anything, but it was their job to take the fans' minds off of everyday life. Just seeing the first few rows of faces looking up at them with excitement and passion was enough to move his spirit into form. He fed off of the audience as much as they fed off the group and he was going to make sure that for the next two hours, nothing existed outside of this arena.

~

Unfortunately, once the show was over, everything did still exist outside of the arena. Life caught up to him as soon as he checked his messages in the hotel. His oldest brother had called and just by his tone, he knew there was going to be a lecture. If that hadn't been enough, the next message was his mother, sounding like a mother. Another lecture. The message after that was Kristin telling him she didn't mean to let it slip. You sounded so adamant, I thought for sure you'd have told them what was happening in your life by now… She may have tried to understand in Boston, but now she was calling in the back up: his mother and his brother - the two that would argue the most with him about saving his marriage.

He turned the phone off completely and tossed it onto the couch. Why did this have to be so complicated? He was in love with Jana; it didn't need to be this complicated. He knew his marriage was wrong before they were even married, couldn't anyone else see that? Brian understood. He knew that much. Once he had sat down and explained what was happening, Brian suddenly hadn't seemed to respect Kristin as much. He was always friendly, but Kevin knew the anger Brian held for having lied. He had also told Howie, who understood his situation as well. They had been great when he would be on the verge of calling it all off, listening to him rant and rave and bring himself back to doing the right thing. Once the problems didn't seem to go away, however, that was when they'd both decided to say they thought he'd done the wrong thing under the best intentions. Kevin had wanted to be mad at them for not speaking up sooner, but they had been right when they said he wouldn't have listened. He been determined to do the right thing and make it all work out.

He headed to the bedroom for a change of clothes and sat down on the end of the bed with a tired sigh. What was he trying to do with Jana now? The right thing. Make it all work out. What makes this any different? Outside of being married, why was everything so right with her? All she had to do was be in the room and he could sense her. She didn't cling, but he liked when she was next to him. She didn't have to agree, but he liked what she had to say. He watched her do the most mundane things - just walk across the room - and he could feel his heart beat just a bit faster, just a bit easier. And when she looked at him…well, there were no words to describe that feeling. She had a way of just looking at him and making him feel comforted and safe. It had been a very long time since he had felt that much truth in someone's eyes.

"There he is!" AJ said, bounding through the suite area and holding Jana's hand. "Sitting on the bed trying to fix the world's problems. Dude," he leaned against the doorframe, "trust me, this time, even you can't make it all right. Get in the shower, dawg, we're hungry and you smell."

~

They sat in the restaurant in a far back corner, taking up nearly the entire room with their party of six. AJ sat at the head of the table, with Jana on one side and Sarah on the other. Kevin sat back, draping his arm easily across the back of Jana's chair on the other side. Howie was at the other end of the table and his friend Kate sat across from Kevin. Jana had no idea how long they had been there, but dinner was finished hours ago it seemed and no one was moving.

Although he had kept the table laughing, Jana understood why AJ was called two different names. He was a lot more sedate and soft-spoken when they really got into a conversation, and she felt her heart melt when he leaned over to let Sarah taste his pasta, feeding her from his fork. Kate was fairly quiet for a while, but Howie seemed to be able to bring her out of her shell after a bit and she was chatting about hair dye with AJ and Sarah.

"Okay, so," AJ started, folding his hands in front of him and turning his head to look at Jana, "we've been good. We've been patient…but now you gotta tell us… What the heck did you see in this guy in high school? I saw him at nineteen. He was definitely not all that."

Kevin slid his arm out from behind Jana and sat a bit straighter, leaning over to her a bit as he looked at AJ. "You don't need to answer that," he said.

"Maybe she wants to answer that," Howie chimed in. "We all want to know what he was like in them there back woods of Kentucky."

"Did you have a crush on him?" AJ asked, fluttering his eyelids playfully.

She could feel her cheeks flush and she looked at Kevin. "Well…yeah," she admitted. "Everyone did. Mind you," she looked around the table, "there wasn't a huge choice to pick from considering our class was all of what? Two hundred people? But, yeah, I had a crush on him."

"There, now, see?" Kevin said with a slight dip of his chin, "I was all that."

"For Kun-tucky," AJ teased. "Ah-yuck-ah-yuck."

"Hey, he wasn't any old redneck," Jana defended. "It was the eyes that got me." She looked to Kevin. "He's always had such gentle eyes. And he was athletic, and he knew everyone. He was a bit quiet at first…polite. Girls fall for that kind of thing when they're sixteen."

"So that's it?" AJ asked disappointedly. "No…scandals?"

"I told you." Kevin shook his head. "I was a good guy." He settled back in his chair and crossed his legs.

"He had two older brothers that would kick his butt if he did anything out of step," she laughed.

"See?" Kevin pointed to Howie and AJ. "I told you! I treat you just like I was. Get out of step and I let ya know about it."

"Day-um," AJ scowled. "What the hell good are you? No gossip! No juicy stories?"

Jana shrugged. "Sorry, he was good boy…well, until he became a boy and fucked off, that is." She shot Kevin a look and lifted an eyebrow.

"Dawg," AJ scolded with a shake of his head. "What's up with dat?"

"Long story," Kevin said calmly, dropping his arm back around Jana's chair.

"No, man," Howie said, hitting Kevin's arm with a shake of his head. "What's up with leaving without saying a word? That's no way to treat a lady. You were a good boy, you were polite… What's up with that?"

Jana leaned forward slightly and bit her lips together, avoiding looking at Kevin. She could hear him take a deep hesitating breath, and he pulled back from her uncomfortably. "Oh, now, wait," AJ said putting his hands up, "never mind. We don't want to know that bad." Jana glanced to Kevin and saw him watching her with such a sad expression on his face. She stretched her hand out to him, and he laced his fingers with hers, squeezing her hand tightly.

"Tell me, though," AJ said, resting an elbow on the table, "did he have more of a pulse back then at least?"

She laughed and looked to Kevin before looking to AJ. "Trust me, he has plenty pulse." She lifted a knowing eyebrow and rested back against Kevin as the rest of the table laughed and AJ barked.

~

"Well, that was a little uncomfortable," Kevin said once they returned to his room. He slid his jacket off and draped it over the back of the couch as Jana went to sit down and take her shoes off. He sat next to her and stretched his arm across the back of the couch, pulling her against him and kissed the top of her head. "You do want to know what happened, don't you?"

"Sometime, yeah," she admitted.

"Now?"

She pulled back from him and turned to face him. "There's a lot to be said, I think," she started, clasping her hands together. "I mean, there are years to catch up on. I see it on your face…you just zone out sometimes and I know you're having this moral dilemma about something, but if anyone asks you, you just shake your head and say 'it's all good' without saying anything." She looked up to him. "One of these days, I would like to know what you're thinking and what's happened outside of 'we made it big time.'"

"Do you remember the night I left?" he asked, turning to rest his back against the arm of the couch to look at her.

"We went to the diner and hung out for awhile and then we went to the Bend for awhile. We were late coming home because I was grounded. The next day when I called you, your mother said you'd left for Florida. And she was very upset that you had gone. She had been crying."

"After I dropped you off, I stopped off at…what's her name, Nicole?" She nodded, remembering the rumors from the party. Nicole had been her best friend until that night. The following morning she woke up to a phone call from her, pretending to be concerned and guilty, but her gloating was more clear.

"I stopped off at her party with Jimmy. We had a few beers before going …a few beers while we were there. Somehow at the party we got onto this stupid idea of going to Florida, totally laughing it off. We left, and he was going to spend the night, so he followed me home. I got there first and there was my dad… and we got into it. What was I going to do with my life? When was I going to get a job? Did I expect to hang out and get you pregnant?" She widened her eyes at him, and he nodded in agreement to her surprise. "He was right," he defended immediately, "but that's nothing some punk-ass know-it-all teenager wants to hear when he's just been hanging out with some friends and making out with his girlfriend."

He closed his eyes, seeing the entire room clearly. His father standing in the middle of the room in a pair of jeans and a dark blue sweater, his glasses in his hand. His eyes bore directly into his, but thinking about it, was it anger or fear? Both? Why can't he remember? Why was the room so clear, where the newspaper had been left on the couch, the light on the end table on…but his father's face faded?

"Kevin?" she asked quietly, reaching out to rest her hand on his knee. "You don't have to do this…"

He opened his eyes, blinking back the tears and pretending they didn't exist. "Jimmy came up to the door and I took one look at him and decided to just do it. Packed a few things up, stopped by his place so he could pack a few things, grabbed our savings and off we went. I was still fighting with my dad when I left."

His father had followed him upstairs, his mother standing in the hallway asking what was going on…what happened? All he wanted to do was lay down in his bed and forget the night had ever happened. Jana was going to find out about Nicole. His father was yelling at him. His mother had that concerned look on her face. Jimmy was blinking at him in total shock from the foot of the stairs. What was he thinking? What was he running from? It was just a stupid argument….

"He kept telling me that I didn't plan anything out, and it only made me more determined to do it just to piss him off at that point."

Like he was going to prove his manhood by storming off in the middle of the night? All he could remember was that panic in his mother's eyes. His father a step behind him, telling him he needed to do something rational…

He lifted a shoulder and exhaled deeply. "I was pissed off because he kept calling me on it. I didn't know what I was going to do. I knew what I wanted to do wasn't going to happen in Kentucky, but I liked my life there and didn't want to leave it all behind."

He looked at Jana, her eyes full of concern for him. That night, she had looked so beautiful. They had gotten so close…so close… She had to ask him to stop. He remembered the way her sweater had felt under his palms and the scared whimper she'd made when he put his hand beneath it.

"I probably would have stuck around and gotten you pregnant," he said honestly. "Worked in some job that wouldn't pay enough and just…"

"Be like everyone else in that town," she finished for him knowingly.

"Yeah," he agreed. "And it's not that... I love being back home. I love the country, and how relaxed it all is. I just wanted something more and didn't have a clue how else to go about getting it."

He closed his eyes and exhaled quickly. "I was so damn homesick once we got there. But I didn't want to admit I was wrong and go home, so I sucked it up and got whatever job I could at Disney. Refused to admit I'd made a mistake when I talked to my parents. We never talked about it after that. I called once we had a phone and they asked how everything was and I just talked the whole thing up."

But his father had known. He couldn't count how many times he'd asked if he needed anything; if everything was all right; call if he needed anything….

"I did my best to get by and they all came down for a vacation -- the entire family. I know it was just to check up on me to make sure I was okay and there I was…a tour guide at Disney. I felt like a complete failure, to be honest. And my dad?" He tilted his head slightly as he shook it and looked at her. "He was proud of me. Earning an honest living and not afraid to do what I had to do to get by. About two weeks later I got the call he had cancer and within the month I managed to use it as an excuse to go home."

Not afraid to do what he had to do… He had to go home and offer the same help his dad had offered him. Did he need anything? Was everything all right? Call if you need something, I'm just in the other room. And his father had done the same thing he did. He never asked for anything. He never needed anything. He didn't call. But his father knew he was there, just like he knew his father was there for him.

"Being there just wasn't the same. Everything went from what I remembered 'home' being to…" He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "It was cold and dreary and depressing. The chemo weakened my father to the point that I couldn't recognize him as the same man. Then there was the stroke on top of that. He was such a strong man, Jana." He could hear the words choking him. He was a strong man. He should have been killed by it sooner, but he wasn't. He shouldn't have survived the stroke, but he did. How long had he hung on just to make sure that everyone was going to be all right?

"Ma was doing her best to hold it all together. Tim and I were trying to show them both we're men and can take the responsibilities, but we were falling apart. We tried so hard to handle it all with dignity when all I wanted to do was run as far away as possible. And I never ever said I was sorry to him."

His father hadn't let him. 'A man has to live with his decisions and you're a man now, Kevin. A man with a good heart and you make me proud.'

"I never got back what I had," he said softly, looking past her to the window, trying to hold back the tears again. It was just some stupid teenage temper tantrum, and it changed everything. And then the cancer changed it even more.

"With some distance, I think maybe he didn't let me say I'm sorry because he didn't want to say it either. Maybe he meant for me to leave and didn't have the courage to actually kick me out. Maybe he wanted to make me feel like I made the decision. It's not that he didn't like you, don't think that, but I think he saw us and he saw his life happening all over again. I know he loved my mother and my mother loved him, there's no doubt about that. But he knew how much he struggled and didn't want me to do the same. Wanted me to do something more instead of do what he did. I think he did it for you too. So we'd get out and do something with our lives? I don't know. But there's more to that argument than it was supposed to be. We fought before. It wasn't something shocking or horrible. It was just one of those family things and somehow…it changed my life. I don't think he wanted me to go in the way I did, but I get the feeling he did want me to go for my own good."

She could see the memories flashing back at him and his eyes teared, but he ignored them. He reached his hand out for hers and held it gently, running his thumb over the back of her hand slowly. "I left in a tantrum and wasn't thinking about anyone but myself. By the time I considered anyone else…the damage was done. I knew I was a shit to you by leaving like I did. By the time I would have talked to you, you'd have heard that I had made a move on your friend Nicole and I didn't want to explain myself. I swear she kissed me first," he said, lifting his eyebrows at her, hoping she'd see the truth. "Didn't go any further than that, in case you were wondering. I went home. But it just seemed easier to avoid the whole thing than have that fight with you, or make-up and tell you I was in Florida and try some long distance thing. It seemed pointless when I got back because I was so miserable and depressed I didn't want anything to do with anyone. It's a cliché, but it had nothing at all to do with you. Ever. If you were older, I probably would have taken you with me because I did love you then. Whether or not you want to believe that after doing what I did."

"I was hoping you did," she said, looking to their hands and biting her lips. "I didn't want to think I was that wrong."

"No, you weren't." He lifted her chin and lifted an eyebrow. "You definitely weren't. I just wasn't old enough to be responsible for my feelings…and then all hell broke loose. Going back down there, meeting Kristin, meeting Lou, getting into Backstreet… What's that book? 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…' or something like that. It was the right choice to make, but I got swindled left and right because of it. Totally fucking betrayed in the end, wasn't I?"

"That's not your doing, though, Kevin."

"Wasn't it?" He looked sternly to her, as if he couldn't believe she didn't agree with him. "If I had kept my eyes open, maybe I'd have seen what Lou was doing to us," he said angrily. "I trusted that bastard!" He released her hand and made a tight fist with his hand, shaking his head firmly. "I let him make me think that he really cared about our well being and the whole damn time he was screwing us over. He made me think that he needed me to help out with taking care of this lot." He motioned towards the door. "I went from being the youngest to the oldest and attempting to keep them in line. I mean, Nick and AJ still had to bring their mothers with them! When scolding wasn't enough, Lou turned to me. Beat their heads in if necessary… I don't regret that, though. I mean, hell, they're family now. And I do mean that. There's no replacing them, and I don't even want to try. But Lou used me to keep them in line by telling me that I was mature and responsible. He told me everything I wanted to hear my dad tell me."

"In the end, it was the five of us that ended up talking and making decisions without consulting him - and the five of us figuring out what was going on and whatever loyalty he thought I had for him... I think he expected more loyalty from me because I was the one he talked to -- like the adult of the group. He never had to deal with Nick or AJ really. Howie never made a fuss about much, and if he did, he went through his family. I was supposed to be taking care of Brian."

"Kevin, it wasn't up to you to make the decisions for everyone," she said, resting her hand on his knee. "You didn't talk them into signing anything. You were screwed just as much as they were. And I don't think a single one of them blame you."

"I know they don't. I just kinda wish I could've protected us better somehow." He looked up at her with a sad smile. "They are family, and you're supposed to take care of each other."

'Like know when one of them is spinning out of control and not pull the door off the hinges in a fit,' he thought to himself.

"There's that look," she said gently. "What was that thought? And don't say 'it's all good.'"

He looked at her curiously, almost scrutinizing her for a moment. "Just thinking about AJ," he said sadly. "Like maybe I could have handled things differently than I did."

"How else was there to handle things?" she asked with a slight cock of her head and furrowing her eyebrows. "He decided he needed help."

"He decided he needed help after I broke the damn door down to scream at him about not doing what he was supposed to do," he confessed with obvious guilt. "I tore 'im a new one, basically. After that, he came in and said he needed rehab."

"You broke the door down?" she asked in shock.

"Right off its hinges," he said with a slow nod. "And laid into him - not because I was concerned for him either. I was just plain old pissed that he was fucking around and we didn't have time for him to be fucking around."

"He needed help though, Kevin," she said firmly. "If it wasn't you, it would have been something else…maybe something worse. It was something that was bound to happen. He's an alcoholic. You didn't make him one."

"I know, but I question what happened. I still have to wonder if we paid more attention would it have gotten as bad as it did? I know if my brothers saw me fucking up like that, they wouldn't have waited as long as I did. I'd have been given a new butthole long before I lost it with him. Should I have paid closer attention? Talked to the fellas sooner?"

"You're not the only one involved, Kevin," she stressed. "You're not responsible for his actions. He'll be the first one to tell you that if you ever talk to him about it. It wasn't up to you, or Howie, or Nick or Brian… It was all up to AJ, and he got the help when he needed it, and you helped him do that. There's nothing more you could have done for him."

"I tell myself that," he said. "But I think it's going to be one of those questions that is never going to be answered in spite of all the facts."

She moved closer to him and rested her head down on his shoulder, wrapping her arms around his waist. "You try too hard sometimes, you know that?" she asked gently.

"I tend to be a bit of a perfectionist," he said, wrapping his arms around her and kissing the top of her head.

She lifted her head and smiled at him. "Hate to be the one to break it to you, baby, but life ain't perfect."

"I'm figuring that out the hard way," he replied, kissing her quickly. "So, do you feel better knowing what happened?"

"Sort of, yes," she said, putting her head back down. "Your father was a wonderful man, Kevin. And he was, and still would be proud of what you've accomplished, you know."

"In some respects, yeah," he agreed, knowing for certain he would be. He still talked to him in his head, and there were times when he missed him so much it brought tears to his eyes. Those first awards… He could almost see the look on his father's face. That huge smile that would crinkle the edges of his eyes. The sound of his voice when he would have said 'congratulations.' He was still there. Brian had told him that once. If you can imagine it, it's because he's still there. He'd been there at his wedding too, but it wasn't the same expression. It was more concern…a quiet questioning, but supportive if he went through with it. What would his father think now, seeing him curled up on the couch with Jana now? Disappointment? Lack of respect? Loss of pride? Or would he really understand? Would he be able to see that this was the one thing he could finally make right?

"Kevin?" Jana lifted her head to look at him.

"I don't want to talk anymore," he said quietly, putting his hand on her head and bringing it back down to his chest. "I just want to sit here with you."

Birds In Your Garden: Chapter 6
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Oreos for Breakfast (Nick Fanfic)
by The Pumpkin Coach & Paperbag Princess

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